E9 - Fighting Should Be Done with Fists

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:00] Shinpachi
    My sister, Otae, who works part-time at a snack shop met a man with a furry butt.
[00:07] Kondo
    If your boyfriend's rear end looked like an afro with a part down the middle, what would you do?
[00:13] Otae
    I would love him, butt afro and all.
[00:16] Kondo
    Otae!
[00:17] Shinpachi
    In order to thwart this self-proclaimed Thief of Hearts,
[00:21] Shinpachi
    Gin declares that he is engaged to my sister, and ends up being challenged to a duel.
[00:25] Kondo
    Let's go!
[00:27] Gintoki
    A fair...
[00:27] Gintoki/Kondo
    ...duel!
[00:30] Kondo
    Hold on a second!
[00:31] ---
    The blade! The t-t-tip!
[00:38] Shinpachi
    Gin won with a cowardly trick you could hardly call "heroic".
SIGN    ["Find the Silver-haired Samurai!!" The Shinsengumi are searching all over Edo.]
SIGN    [Odd Jobs Gin receives a new request... who is this old man?]
[02:24] Squad Member A
    Vice Chief!
[02:26] Squad Member A
    Is it true that the Chief was jilted by some chick?
[02:28] Squad Member B
    Not only that, he got tricked into a duel and lost?!
[02:32] Squad Member A
    Getting shot down by the ladies is nothing new for him, but I can't believe he lost a fight!
[02:37] Squad Member B
    Just who is this silver-haired samurai?!
[02:40] Hijikata
    Pipe down, we're in a meeting.
[02:42] Hijikata
    And there's no way Kondo would lose.
[02:45] ---
    Who the hell's been spreading such baseless rumors?
[02:48] Squad Member A
    Captain Okita...
[02:50] Squad Member B
    ...was announcing it over the loudspeaker.
[02:53] Okita
    I heard it from you, Hijikata.
[02:56] Hijikata
    What was I thinking, telling that loud mouth?
[02:59] Squad Member A
    What?! You're the one who started the rumor?!
[03:02] Squad Member C
    So why're you chewing us out? Give us a break!
[03:04] Squad Member B
    What, so it's true then?!
[03:12] Hijikata
    Shaaddap!!
[03:17] Hijikata
    The next officer who talks about private matters during this meeting commits seppuku.
[03:20] Hijikata
    And I'll assist.
[03:22] ---
    Yamazaki, you first.
[03:26] Yamazaki
    What? But I didn't say anything.
[03:27] Hijikata
    Methinks thou dost protest too much.
[03:34] Kondo
    Hey, guys! Hey, this is a lively meeting for a change.
[03:39] Kondo
    Right! Okay, everyone...
[03:40] ---
    let's go out there and do our civic duty, shall we?!
[03:45] Kondo
    Huh? What's wrong?
SIGN    ["Fighting Should Be Done with Fists"]
[03:56] Squad Member A
    Then it's all right?
[03:58] Hijikata
    You'll go at it even if I try to stop them.
[04:01] Squad Member C
    Don't worry, Chief. We'll find him without fail!
[04:05] Squad Member B
    All right, let's go!
[04:07] All
    Right!
[04:15] Hijikata
    They don't get it.
[04:18] Hijikata (M)
    Do they actually think they can beat someone who challenged Kondo?
[04:25] Squad Member A
    Now get this!
[04:26] ---
    It's just one opponent!
[04:28] Squad Member B
    Find him!
[04:29] Squad Member B
    For the honor of the Shinsengumi!
[04:32] Squad Member C
    Our target is...a silver-haired samurai!
[04:37] Gin
    Hey, hey, hey!
[04:40] Gin
    You don't plan on beating me, do you?
[04:43] ---
    Not only is that reckless, it borders on arrogance, no, insolence.
[04:47] ---
    Enough to make me belch.
[04:49] Kagura
    If you plan on fighting, put your life on the line.
[04:52] ---
    I'll make it so you'll never belch again.
[04:57] Shinpachi
    We're not so lame that we'll succumb to just your fighting spirit.
[05:00] ---
    This fight isn't about belching, it's about brains.
[05:05] Old Man
    Never mind belching. Just get on with it!
[05:14] Shinpachi
    Good evening, everyone. I'm Shinpachi Shimura.
[05:17] ---
    Everyday, the trees turn greener.
[05:20] ---
    By the way, the reason why we're scowling at each other like this is...
[05:25] ---
    Well, it's complicated.
[05:28] Kagura (M)
    Yo! I'm Goku!
[05:30] ---
    Hey, everyone! The great space war has begun!
[05:34] ---
    I don't know about the difficult stuff, but I'm really shocked.
[05:40] Gin
    Hey, guys.
[05:41] Gin
    I can hear you guys thinking out loud!
[05:44] Gin
    That's pretty bad acting, numbskulls.
[05:46] Shinpachi (M)
    Leave us alone. This is strategy!
[05:50] Kagura (M)
    How rude! Calling it bad acting.
[05:53] Gin (M)
    They're saying "this anime is hard for kids to understand".
[05:57] ---
    Better shape up, or it won't just be moving time slots! We'll be cancelled!"
[06:00] ---
    So shouted Gintoki in his heart.
[06:03] Shinpachi (M)
    Shouted? Gin, don't copy me!
[06:07] Gin (M)
    Dumbass! As if we can lose something like this.
[06:11] Kagura (M)
    Right. This is one match we cannot lose.
[06:16] Old Man
    How'd it turn out like this?
[06:20] ---
    Anyway, take a look at this!
SIGN    [The Story So Far]
[06:22] Old Man (N)
    The Odd Jobs gang - Gintoki, Shinpachi, and Kagura - went about their lives as usual.
[06:29] ---
    But a client shattered the peace.
[06:35] Old Man (N)
    He was a carpenter and advisor of the Kabukicho Town Council,
[06:40] Old Man (N)
    Ishida Pierre Genpachisayuemon.
[06:42] Age
    Age: 63. Astrological sign: Virgo.
SIGN    [Due to Mr. Ishida's ego, this image has been touched up 275%. - Sorry.]
[06:44] ---
    His request was for a carpenter's assistant.
[06:47] ---
    However, the request had a frightening catch to it.
[06:51] Old Man (N)
    He only wants one person.
[06:52] ---
    Just one of them would work!
SIGN    [Due to Mr. Ishida's ego, this image has been touched up 384%.]
[06:57] Old Man (N)
    They reacted instantly.
[06:59] Old Man (N)
    A high-level negotiation going back and forth, voices and hands going non-stop.
[07:03] ---
    Proposals put forth only to be rejected.
SIGN    [Due to Mr. Ishida's ego, this image has been touched up 40 thousand trillion and 12%.]
[07:07] Old Man (N)
    When the dust finally settled, they had decided on a method to choose the one.
SIGN    [Give us a break, you old fart!]
[07:14] Old Man (N)
    The method was
[07:15] ---
    that greatest of challenges...
[07:17] Old Man (N)
    Rock, paper, scissors!
[07:20] Gin
    Ready, one match decides! No whining, right?!
[07:24] Shinpachi (M)
    If I lose, I get one day of manual labor!
[07:26] ---
    I will not lose this match!
[07:28] Gin (M)
    No matter how I do it...
[07:30] Kagura
    I must win, uh-huh!
[07:32] Gin
    Let's do it? Ready!
[07:33] Kagura
    Howacha!
[07:34] Gin
    Set!
[07:36] Shinpachi
    What're you doing, Kagura?!
[07:38] ---
    This is Rock, Paper, Scissors!
[07:39] ---
    And what's up with showing your hand early?!
[07:42] Kagura
    The early hand is victorious!
[07:43] Shinpachi
    I told you, this is Rock, Paper, Scissors!
[07:46] Gin
    All right! If that's how you wanna play, so be it!
[07:52] Shinpachi
    Hey! I said, this is Rock, Paper, Scissors!
[07:56] Gin
    Ready, one match decides! No whining, right?
[08:00] Gin
    Ready? First is...
[08:02] Gin
    Rock.
[08:04] Gin
    Hey, what's with you two?
[08:07] Gin
    Didn't I just say, rock was first?
[08:10] Kagura
    In my family, this is rock.
[08:12] Gin
    Oh man! What? Excuses?
[08:15] ---
    I don't know what you're on about.
[08:17] Shinpachi
    Well, you've got paper too.
[08:23] Gin
    Again.
[08:24] Gin
    Here we go!
[08:27] Shinpachi
    Do you even know what Rock, Paper, Scissors is?!
[08:30] ---
    What is that?
[08:31] Kagura
    Can't you tell? This is a crab.
[08:34] Gin
    It's better than a stone.
[08:36] Gin
    But you still can't beat mine.
[08:39] Shinpachi
    Whose family is that supposed to be?
[08:41] Gin
    The kids are still eating.
[08:43] Shinpachi
    I said this is Rock, Paper, Scissors!
[08:46] Kagura
    You lose, Shinpachi. Work hard.
[08:49] Shinpachi
    Huh?! Why me? You both broke the rules, so you lose!
[08:53] Gin
    Don't give me that! I'm just using my head! Quit acting like a baby!
[08:57] Shinpachi
    There are rules in the world. Don't you know that?
[09:00] Kagura
    Rules are made to be broken.
[09:02] Shinpachi
    Quit kidding around!
[09:05] Old Man
    Okay, Gin wins.
[09:08] Gin
    Victory!
[09:09] Shinpachi
    Whaaaaat?!
[09:12] Kagura
    Too bad, loser. Work hard.
[09:16] Gin
    That's right, Shinpachi. The customer is always right.
[09:20] ---
    Listen to whatever he says.
[09:22] Gin
    Hey, what's going on?!
[09:23] Old Man
    Don't you know?
[09:25] Old Man
    To the winner goes the spoils of this job. Be grateful.
[09:29] Gin
    No, it's not that...
[09:34] Shinpachi/Kagura
    Have fun!
SIGN    [To the Silver-haired Samurai:
SIGN    Show your face at Shinsengumi Headquarters, you bastard!
SIGN    We're the police! Signed, Shinsengumi]
[09:50] Squad Member D
    Where are you, silver-haired samurai?!
[09:53] Squad Member E
    Come on out!
[09:55] Old Man
    Over here!
SIGN    [Shuei Construction]
[09:57] Gin
    Say, I really can't get into this.
[10:02] Old Man
    Quit bitching! Haul these supplies to the site.
[10:06] Squad Member B
    There's the silver-haired samurai!
[10:09] Squad Member B
    There you are, silver-haired samurai!
[10:15] Squad Memberb
    Th-This is...
[10:17] Squad Member A
    A samurai eating white rice?!
[10:19] Samurai A
    Seconds!
[10:21] Squad Members
    There's no rice for samurai like you!
[10:24] Squad Member C
    Found him! It's the silver-haired samurai!
[10:27] Squad Memberc
    Gotcha! Silver-haired samurai!
[10:33] Squad Member F
    H-He's...
[10:34] Squad Member C
    ...a samurai getting a haircut?!
[10:36] Barber
    How would you like it cut?
[10:39] Samurai B
    Just trim it.
[10:40] Squad Members
    Just shave it all off!
[10:43] Old Man
    Just get with it. There's a mountain of work to be done.
[10:47] Gin
    You don't get it, do you?
[10:49] Gin
    When you employ people, you have to inspire them, make them soar. You know?
[10:54] Old Man
    Fine, soar as high as you like and make sure you don't fall. Here.
[11:01] Hijikata
    What?!
[11:03] Hijikata
    They've put signs up all over Edo and now the whole town knows about Kondo's loss?
[11:09] Okita
    Yeah, they're going hog wild posting it up.
[11:13] ---
    And for all that, they haven't gotten any results.
[11:16] Hijikata
    Those morons!
[11:19] Hijikata
    What's the sense in telling the whole world your chief lost a duel?
[11:24] Okita
    What do you want to do?
[11:25] ---
    If we don't do anything, the whole town will be inconvenienced and the reputation of the Shinsengumi will be in the mud.
[11:33] Hijikata
    Let's go, Sogo.
[11:35] Okita
    Go where?
[11:38] Okita
    What? Kill him?
[11:40] Hijikata
    Yeah, I'm gonna kill 'em.
[11:42] Okita
    You talking about the silver-haired samurai?
[11:44] Hijikata
    Yeah, I'll finish him off before this mess gets any bigger.
[11:48] Okita
    Every other word you utter is "kill."
[11:52] Okita
    The lessons of history teach us that nothing good comes from assassination.
[11:55] Hijikata
    This isn't assassination.
[11:57] Hijikata
    I'll just walk right up to him and cut him down.
[11:59] Okita
    No need to go that far.
[12:01] Okita
    Just haul in any old white-haired dude and the troops'll forget all about it!
[12:07] Okita
    How about this one?
[12:09] Okita
    Here, hold this wooden sword, wouldja?
[12:11] Hijikata
    Pops, swing this wooden sword a few times and beat this guy's head in.
[12:15] Okita
    At first glance he's not very imposing, but take off his glases...
[12:20] ---
    and..."wow" Hey look! It's Musashi!
[12:21] Hijikata
    What's the point of drawing him looking cool?!
[12:28] Okita
    You really want to kill that dude?
[12:30] ---
    All we know is that he's got white hair.
[12:33] Hijikata
    He can't be just anyone if he beat Kondo.
[12:37] ---
    I'll know who he is when I see him.
[12:42] Hijikata
    Yeah, it's me.
[12:44] ---
    Really? Got it.
[12:47] Okita
    Found him?
[12:49] Hijikata
    Yamazaki found someone who seems to be him.
[12:52] Hijikata
    Let's go.
[12:55] ---
    This is the place.
[13:01] Hijikata
    Shinsengumi! We have government business!
[13:05] Samurai C
    What is your business?
[13:07] Hijikata
    This is...
[13:09] Yamazaki
    ...a really...poor samurai?!
[13:12] Hijikata
    The only part that's right is "samurai"!
[13:15] ---
    Commit seppuku this minute!
[13:20] Okita
    A silver-haired samurai.
[13:23] ---
    I wonder where he could be?
[13:27] Old Man
    You dirtbag! Put your soul into that hammer!
[13:31] Gin
    If this was your head, I'd put my soul into the hammer, baldy.
[13:35] Old Man
    Shut up, you jerk!
[13:37] Old Man
    Don't talk like you know it all, damned wavy-silver-haired mophead!
[13:42] Okita
    Can't find him. I think you don't have enough clues yet.
[13:48] Okita
    Why don't we go back? "Ladies 4" is gonna start.
[13:52] Hijikata
    When'd they switch? There's been a drama rerun at four.
[13:57] Okita
    Oh, really?
[13:59] Okita
    But hey, that drama's supposed to have a happy ending.
[14:02] Hijikata
    You too, huh?
[14:06] Hijikata
    You laugh on the outside, but you're crying on the inside, huh?
[14:10] Okita
    I wonder.
[14:13] Hijikata
    You haven't forgotten, have you?
[14:15] ---
    Back in the old samurai country, the one who pulled us out of that humdrum life
[14:18] Hijikata
    was none other than Kondo.
[14:22] Hijikata
    We, the Shinsengumi, can walk around town with our heads held high
[14:27] Hijikata
    because of that man.
[14:30] Hijikata
    We decided to follow him.
[14:34] Hijikata
    Isn't that right, Sogo?
[14:36] Okita
    So, Sadomaru III. The target is the butt.
[14:40] Hijikata
    Hey, are you listening?!
[14:42] Hijikata
    Dammit!
[14:44] Gin
    Hey, watch it, bro.
[14:49] Hijikata
    H-Hey, that's dangerous!
[14:52] Gin
    I said, watch it.
[14:53] Hijikata
    Say it with more emotion then! Got it?
[14:57] Gin
    Oh, shut your hole.
[14:58] Gin
    Like I'm supposed to listen to a stranger coach me on dramatic delivery!
[15:04] Hijikata
    It's... you! The guy from that time at Ikedaya...
[15:20] Hijikata
    It's... you! The guy from that time at Ikedaya...
[15:24] Hijikata
    Oh yeah, I forgot...
[15:26] ---
    you've got silver hair.
[15:28] Gin
    Umm, who are you?
[15:31] Gin
    Is that you, Ogushi? Man, you're looking so important.
[15:36] ---
    What's up? Your pet gold fish ever get any bigger?
[15:40] Old Man
    Hey, Gin! Hurry up, will ya!
[15:43] Gin
    Be right up! 'scuse me, Ogushi. Gotta get back to work.
[15:50] Okita
    He took off!
[15:52] ---
    Whatcha gonna do about it, Ogushi?
[15:53] Hijikata
    Who you callin' Ogushi?
[15:55] Hijikata
    That jerk! He forgets me after just three or four episodes!
[15:59] Okita
    Well, I think most would.
[16:02] Hijikata
    Sogo, lend me your sword.
[16:06] Gin
    Dammit...
[16:08] Gin
    If I have to work all day with this baldy, I'll go bald!
[16:12] Old Man
    Sheesh! If help weren't so hard to find, I'd never have gone to your place!
[16:18] ---
    Don't screw that up, y'hear?
[16:20] Gin
    Same to you, baldy.
[16:23] Hijikata
    First bomb disposal, now roof repair?
[16:27] Hijikata
    You've got no self-respect at all, do you?
[16:29] ---
    What's your story anyway?
[16:32] Gin
    Bomb?
[16:41] Gin
    You were there too, huh?
[16:44] Hijikata
    Finally remembered, eh?
[16:46] Hijikata
    There's no one even in the Shinsengumi who's that crazy.
[16:53] Hijikata
    I thought Kondo was invincible
[16:57] ---
    but if it's you, it's a little more believable.
[17:00] Gin
    Kondo?
[17:03] Hijikata
    You two fought over a woman, remember?
[17:06] Hijikata
    Is she worth it?
[17:08] ---
    Introduce me to her, will ya?
[17:14] Kondo
    Hey...the tip...!
[17:19] Gin
    You're friends with gorilla-butt?
[17:22] ---
    What are you coming after me for?
[17:34] Gin
    What's the big idea?!
[17:37] Hijikata
    He may be a gorilla, but to us, he's our beloved general!
[17:43] Hijikata
    He built the Shinsengumi up from nothing with just one sword.
[17:46] Hijikata
    He's my brother-in-arms!
[17:49] Hijikata
    I won't let anyone shame our unit...
[17:53] ---
    and who so ever crosses that line, my blade...
[17:55] Hijikata
    ...shall taste his blood!
[18:02] Kagura
    It's time for Ladies 4!
[18:15] Gin
    Quit...
[18:16] Gin
    ...swinging that sword around!
[18:19] Hijikata
    Nuohh!
[18:27] Old Man
    Huh? What's going on?
[18:30] Old Man
    Hey, Gin! You don't get paid if you're just playing around!
[18:34] Gin
    Shut up, baldy! Call the police! The police!
[18:38] Hijikata
    I am the police.
[18:40] Gin
    Huh? Oh yeah. Man, this world is coming to an end.
[18:44] Hijikata
    Heh, you're so right.
[18:48] Hijikata (M)
    I can't figure this guy out.
[18:52] Hijikata (M)
    I heard he used a dirty trick against Kondo,
[18:55] ---
    but he's not doing anything like that now.
[18:57] Hijikata (M)
    Far from it... he's not even defending himself with the sword I gave him.
[19:03] Hijikata (M)
    Could it be that, even though his life's in danger... he's trying to be chivalrous?
[19:09] Hijikata
    Damn!
[19:10] Hijikata
    Draw that sword!
[19:12] Hijikata
    Killing a guy who won't fight back'll leave a bad taste in my mouth!
[19:16] Hijikata
    Hurry up! Draw!
[19:22] Hijikata
    All right, he's finally getting down to business.
[19:25] Hijikata
    Your life or mine!
[19:29] Hijikata
    Got him!
[19:33] Hijikata
    What?!
[19:37] Hijikata (M)
    Parried! He got me.
[19:58] Xgin
    Okay, fight's over.
[20:03] Gin
    Hey, baldy! I'm gonna take some sick leave!
[20:06] Hijikata
    Hold it!
[20:08] Hijikata
    You took mercy on me?
[20:12] Gin
    Mercy?
[20:14] Gin
    If I had any of that, I'd put it on my rice and eat it.
[20:19] Gin
    You fight when you have something to protect.
[20:24] ---
    Like you tried to protect the Shinsengumi.
[20:29] Hijikata
    Protect?
[20:31] Hijikata
    Then what did you protect?
[20:37] Gin
    My own rules.
[20:40] Gin
    See ya.
[20:49] Okita
    That guy's a trip.
[20:51] Okita
    Wouldn't mind crossing swords with him myself.
[20:54] Kondo
    Forget it. Even you would have a tough time of it, Sogo.
[20:59] Kondo
    He may point his blade at you,
[21:03] ---
    but he's fighting on some other plane.
[21:08] Kondo
    It's beyond winning and losing for him, beyond right and wrong.
[21:14] Hijikata
    Sorry, Kondo. He beat me, too.
SIGN    [Up next: Please Teach Us, Ginpachi Sensei]
[21:30] Gin
    Ginpachi Sensei after these messages!
SIGN    [Preview]
SIGN    What is this?!
[23:07] Gin
    Kagura, if you're gonna pick up strays, pick up something we recognize the name of!
[23:11] Gin
    Huh? You're gonna keep it? No way!
[23:14] Gin
    Mom'll never allow it!
[23:16] Gin
    The next episode:
[23:17] Gin
    "Eat Something Sour When You're Tired"
SIGN    [Prince Baka... Hata from Midland Star is back again.]
SIGN    [And this guy with dilated pupils, who was ordered to find a unique pet?]
SIGN    [Please Teach Us, Ginpachi Sensei]
[23:30] All
    Please teach us, Ginpachi Sensei!
[23:34] Ginpachi
    Here's a question from "Go back to Ehime, Onishi."
[23:38] ---
    "There's something I've been wondering about..."
[23:40] ---
     "What," you ask?
[23:42] ---
    Well, Shinpachi said...
[23:44] ---
    "The anti-foreigner faction tried to drive out the Amanto when they invaded twenty years ago."
[23:52] Ginpachi
    "In other words, Gin and Katsura must be way past their thirties now, right?"
[24:00] ---
    Fine. Now listen up, because this will be on the test.
[24:05] Ginpachi
    The Joi War didn't end in just one year or so.
[24:10] Ginpachi
    When the Amanto came to Earth twenty years ago, Gin was still a little kid with no hair on his privates.
[24:16] Ginpachi
    The government got scared and were forced to open the country to the Amanto.
[24:19] Ginpachi
    And throughout the land, samurai fought back but got their asses kicked.
[24:24] Ginpachi
    At that point, Gin's pubic hair began to grow.
[24:28] Ginpachi
    Eventually, the Amanto infiltrated even the government and had their way.
[24:33] Ginpachi
    And it is during this time that Gin began his romp.
[24:36] ---
    No, I don't mean like that.
[24:39] Ginpachi
    And that basically sums up the several decades of the samurai struggle known as
[24:44] Ginpachi
    the "Anti-Foreigner War."
[24:46] ---
    Gin and the others got involved during the latter part of this period.
[24:51] ---
    In conclusion, Onishi, you go out and stand in the hallway and think about that.