E1 - You Guys!! Do You Even Have a Gintama? (Part 1)

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Gin Tama
[00:13] Samurai B
    Fight fair...
[00:16] Gintoki
    Fair?
SIGN    [Lake Toya]
[00:23] Gintoki
    Gimme a break!
[00:24] Samurai B
    Ah! He's getting away! He's running for his life!
[00:27] Samurai A
    Get him!
[00:29] Gintoki
    Since the Sword Ban nobody does this chanbara stuff anymore!
[00:33] Narrator
    Gintoki Sakata. Trademark: naturally-wavy hair.
[00:37] Narrator
    Has a sweet tooth and high blood-sugar. And he's kinda the main character.
[00:44] Samurai
    Stop!
[00:46] Gintoki
    Sorry, but I have a TV show to watch at four.
[00:50] Shinpachi
    Gin!
[00:52] Gintoki
    Shinpachi?
[00:53] Shinpachi
    Gin, help me!
[00:56] Narrator
    Shinpachi Shimura. The straight man.
[00:59] Narrator
    Working for Gintoki in hopes of finding the samurai spirit.
[01:02] Gintoki
    Hey, why are you letting them chase you like that?
[01:06] Shinpachi
    I don't know! Nobody wants to be chased!
[01:09] Gintoki
    Anyway, run for it!
[01:11] Samurai
    Stop!
[01:31] Samurai
    We've got you now... Whoa!
[01:33] Kagura
    Gin! There's no one here!
[01:36] Narrator
    Kagura. Member of the "Yato Clan", the most powerful warrior race in the universe. She's cute but has a sharp tongue.
[01:44] Samurai A
    Um...
[01:46] Samurai A
    What's this?
[01:47] Narrator
    Sadaharu, Kagura's pet. A mysterious, giant space creature.
[01:52] Gintoki
    Geez, pay attention! I think they're pissed.
[01:56] Shinpachi
    K-Kagura. You'd better get out of here!
[02:03] Kagura
    Hurry up, "Lady's Four" is about to start.
[02:07] Kagura
    The host, Toshio Shiba, will wait for us!
[02:08] Samurai
    After them!
[02:10] Samurai
    Hold it!
[02:12] Kagura
    No!
[02:20] Shinpachi
    A dead end...
[02:27] Samurai A
    End of the line for you.
[02:28] Gintoki
    What are you talking about? We let you catch us.
[02:31] Kagura
    You should be thankful!
[02:33] Samurai B
    What? You losers!
[02:35] Samurai B
    You're the ones running all over town. You should talk!
[02:37] Samurai C
    What group do you belong to?
[02:38] Samurai D
    Anyway, you're the spy who came to find our secret.
[02:42] Samurai A
    Before we cut you down, I'll ask you again. Who are you?
[02:47] Gintoki
    Who are we?
[02:48] Shinachi
    Hah... All right, since you asked...
[02:53] Shinachi
    We do anything from housework to finding missing persons!
[02:56] Kagura
    If you're in trouble, just come to us!
[02:59] Gintoki
    We'll take any case. We'll take any kind of job as long as we get paid.
[03:03] Gintoki
    We're Odd Jobs Gin!
[03:07] Samurai D
    Odd Jobs? You mean, you'll do anything?
[03:10] Samurai A
    I see. That's why you snuck into our factory facility and...
[03:19] Kagura
    There it is!
[03:20] Shinpachi
    That must be it!
[03:21] Shinpachi
    That's Kuromi of Yamatoya!
[03:25] Kagura
    Come on. Have some pickled seaweed.
[03:29] Gintoki
    Hey, you damned cat! Wait!
[03:34] Samurai A
    They were looking for a cat?
SIGN    [Hi, nice to meet you. Welcome to the anime series, Gin Tama.]
SIGN    [It's written as "Gin" for silver and "Tama" for soul.]
SIGN    [Don't write "Kin Tama" by accident, because that means "testicles"!]
SIGN    [We're gonna kick off with a one hour special!]
SIGN    
[05:29] Shinpachi
    The land of the samurai. There was a time, long ago, when our country was called by that name.
[05:35] Shinpachi
    With the arrival of the "Amanto" from outer space and the Sword Ban twenty years ago,
[05:41] Shinpachi
    the samurai class fell into decline.
[05:44] Shinpachi
    In such hard times, there was one man left with the spirit of the samurai. His name is Gintoki Sakata.
[05:52] Shinpachi
    Kagura and I, Shinpachi Shimura, work at Odd Jobs Gin, which is coincidentally run by this guy.
[05:59] Shinpachi
    Which reminds me, we've been working for him for about a year now, but I don't think he's paid us yet.
SIGN    ["You Jerks! And You Claim to Have Gin Tama?!"]
[06:15] Waitress
    Mr. Kariya has arrived!
[06:18] Kariya
    Yo!
[06:20] Shimomoto
    Yo!
[06:22] Kariya
    I can't hear you! Again!
[06:25] Kariya
    Yo!
[06:26] Shimomoto
    Yo!
[06:27] Kariya
    Still not enough! Care to try it again?
[06:30] Shishimura
    No, there's no time.
[06:33] Kariya
    I see...
SIGN    [Kariya Shishimura]
[06:35] Narrator
    Today's guest characters.
SIGN    [Shimomoto Puu]
[06:39] Narrator
    They're definitely not regulars.
[06:41] Shimomoto
    Oh, hi, Mr. Kariya.
[06:43] Puu
    Thank you for coming all this way.
[06:46] Kariya
    Dispense with the intros... So, how is that matter we talked about going?
[06:50] Shimomoto
    Fine. Everything is going very well.
[06:53] Shimomoto
    First, please take a look at this proposal.
[06:57] Shimomoto
    The goal of the project...
[06:59] Shimomoto
    "This project is... "
[07:00] Shimomoto
    I have no idea what this means!
[07:03] Kariya
    Is this a presentation for the spring anime season or what?!
[07:08] Shimomoto
    Please forgive me.
[07:19] Yamazaki
    There.
[07:24] Narrator
    The Shinsengumi. A special government police force.
[07:28] Narrator
    Hijikata. Vice-chief of Shinsengumi. He's the brains.
[07:31] Narrator
    Okita. One of the Shinsengumi's best swordsmen.
[07:34] Hijikata
    Yamazaki, sit-rep?
[07:37] Yamazaki
    They're in a private meeting in the back room on the second floor.
[07:39] Yamazaki
    Four of them: one Amanto, two businessmen and one tough-looking ronin...
[07:45] Hijikata
    Great...
[07:46] Hijikata
    Let's go!
[07:48] Shimomoto
    Speaking of the Amanto device, which we obtained with Mr. Kariya's support...
[07:51] Shimomoto
    We just finished assembling it at our secret factory. All we need to do is get it into position.
[07:59] Kariya
    If this project succeeds, all of Edo will fall under my control.
[08:03] Shimomoto
    That's right, Mr. Kariya.
[08:11] Hijikata
    This is a raid!
[08:12] Member A
    It's the Shinsengumi!
[08:13] Member A
    Everyone stay still!
[08:14] Hijikata
    Sogo! Come on!
[08:15] Okita
    Okay!
[08:21] Hijikata
    Freeze, Shinsengumi!
[08:28] Okita (M)
    Good-bye, Vice-chief. Hope you enjoy sucking on mayonnaise in the next world.
[08:35] Hijikata
    Hey, Sogo, what are you doing here?
[08:39] Hijikata
    Hey, were you trying to kill me?!
[08:42] Okita
    No way, it was a joke. A joke, you know?
[08:46] Okita
    I'm always doing that.
[08:48] Hijikata
    You mean you're always trying to kill me?!
[08:51] Okita
    Anyway, Hijikata, it seems that all our efforts end in failure.
[08:57] Hijikata
    Well...
[08:58] Hijikata
    Not really...
SIGN    [Odd Jobs Gin]
[09:04] Gintoki
    Ah...
[09:06] Gintoki
    I'm too old to be reading JUMP. But I just bought it.
[09:13] Kagura
    That's right, Gin.
[09:14] Kagura
    Reading manga like that won't fill your stomach. Your blood-sugar level will remain the same.
[09:20] Gintoki
    I know, but I'm addicted to it.
[09:23] Gintoki
    I keep thinking I won't buy the next one, but...
[09:26] Shinpachi
    Gin, this doesn't look good.
[09:28] Gintoki
    I know. Someone my age shouldn't be reading JUMP.
[09:32] Kagura
    Yeah, and your onigiri taste terrible.
[09:35] Shinpachi
    That's not what I'm talking about!
[09:37] Shinpachi
    Look at this!
[09:39] Gintoki
    A bankbook?
[09:41] Kagura
    Hah, you can't fool me. You can't eat that.
[09:45] Shinpachi
    We won't be able to eat anything, not even rice!
[09:47] Shinpachi
    Our balance is almost zero, so I feel really blue!
[09:51] Shinpachi
    We failed to catch the missing cat yesterday, so it was all for nothing!
[09:55] Gintoki
    Calm down. You're the little punk who failed to buy JUMP, are you?
[09:59] Gintoki
    Having no money is just a condition, like chronic nasal infection, you know?
[10:03] Gintoki
    Get used to it. Having no money is our destiny.
[10:08] Shinpachi
    You think you're being defiant? I'm not talking about JUMP! I said we're in a pinch!
[10:14] Shinpachi
    Even bread crust would be like a feast tomorrow!
[10:18] Gintoki
    This is...
[10:19] Kagura
    A nasal infection?
[10:19] Shinpachi
    It's an earthquake, moron!
[10:24] Gintoki
    It stopped.
[10:25] Shinpachi
    We're having a lot of earthquakes lately.
[10:28] Gintoki
    Yeah. It's shaking like a high school boy who has to simultaneously confront all five girls who asked him out.
[10:34] Kagura
    As if that ever happens.
[10:37] Gintoki
    But it could happen in JUMP.
[10:40] Kagura
    Customer?
[10:42] Gintoki
    It can't be. It's probably a newspaper salesman or something.
[10:44] Gintoki
    Shinpachi, if he's from anywhere other than the Nikkei, tell him that we subscribe already and send him away.
[10:49] Kagura
    And if he is from Nikkei, send him away gently, like the rising sun.
[10:53] Shinpachi
    Yes, I'm coming!
[10:56] Shinpachi
    We're already subscribed to a newspaper.
[10:59] Shinpachi
    Huh?
[11:07] Shinpachi
    Um...
[11:09] Katoken
    I'm here because I heard you guys will take any job.
[11:14] Shinpachi
    No...
[11:15] Kagura
    Shinpachi, what are you doing? "Lady's Four" is about to start!
[11:20] Katoken
    I heard this is Odd Jobs Gin.
[11:23] Kagura
    ...frigging...
[11:25] Gintoki
    What's wrong? Can't get rid of this guy?
[11:28] Gintoki
    He's not trying to strongarm you, is he?
[11:31] Katoken
    This is Odd Jobs, right?
[11:33] Gintoki
    ...way!
[11:35] Shinpachi
    No...
[11:35] Kagura
    ...frigging...
[11:36] Gintoki
    ...way!
[11:38] Katoken
    Hello? Hello? Hey, all three of you.
[11:42] Gintoki
    You can't be...
[11:44] Gintoki
    Are you a client?!
[11:48] Narrator
    Ken Kato. Ronin. This episode's client.
[11:52] Katoken
    Let me introduce myself. My name is Ken Kato. I've been a ronin for a few days now.
[11:58] Gintoki (Whisper)
    Hey, what's going on?
[12:01] Kagura (Whisper)
    We've had clients two days in row?! Must be a special version of the show!
[12:05] Shinpachi
    H-Here's some tea for you.
[12:08] Katoken
    Hot!
[12:09] Shinpachi
    Oops!
[12:10] Katoken
    Um...
[12:12] Kagura
    You're really in for it if this is a joke!
[12:14] Shinpachi
    What? You're shocked and getting uppity?
[12:18] Gintoki
    So what can we do for you?
[12:19] Katoken
    Well, I... want to get something back that I lost.
[12:24] Katoken
    Something very important to me.
[12:29] Shinpachi
    Well, what did you lose?
[12:32] Katoken
    Well... I need about thirty million yen to get it back.
[12:36] Kagura
    Listen, baldy! I said you were in for it if this was a joke, remember?!
[12:41] Gintoki
    What's an easy way to earn money? Every time I grab it, it runs through my fingers...
[12:46] Shinpachi
    Ah-ha, that's it! Every time you move your hand, we go further into the red!
[12:50] Katoken
    But I heard you would take any kinds of jobs for troubled people.
[12:54] Kagura
    We can't even pay our rent now!
[12:57] Kagura
    There's no way we can take care of someone's business! Don't come here again!
[13:00] Gintoki
    Calm down, both of you. So, what would you do with the money if you had it?
[13:07] Katoken
    A month ago, I ended up as dead weight at the company and got laid off.
[13:13] Katoken
    And three weeks ago, I was swindled and lost my house.
[13:20] Katoken
    Then two weeks ago, my wife and daughter left me, without even leaving a note.
[13:27] Katoken
    And one week ago...
[13:36] Shinpachi
    Why did you stop?!
[13:38] Shinpachi
    Spit it out! Do tragedies like this befall you every single week?!
[13:43] Kagura
    Tell us what happened to you last week!
[13:46] Katoken
    Would you... like to hear the rest?
[13:52] Kagura
    Why will he tell us the rest only after we complete the job?
[13:56] Shinpachi
    Whatever, I'm sure we won't be able to complete this job.
[14:00] Katoken
    Um...
[14:01] Katoken
    Where are we going?
[14:03] Gintoki
    All right... The point is that we get the money as quickly as possible, right?
[14:09] Otose
    Welcome... Oh, it's you guys.
[14:12] Narrator
    Otose. Proprietor of Otose Snack House and Gintoki's landlord.
[14:19] Otose
    I see.
[14:21] Catherine
    You guys are such dopes.
[14:23] Catherine
    If you could make money that quickly, there would be no thieves in the world! Idiots!
[14:29] Kagura
    So says the ex-thief!
[14:31] Shinpachi
    Indeed.
[14:32] Narrator
    Catherine. Works for Snack House Otose. She came to Earth as a migrant worker.
[14:39] Narrator
    Well, there might be one way...
[14:44] Doctor
    So, what'll it be?
[14:47] Katoken
    Well... Um...
[14:48] Otose
    You've got two of those, so why don't you sell one?
[14:52] Otose
    You'd sell one if you were a real man!
[14:54] Shinpachi
    This isn't gonna work.
[14:55] Gintoki
    So disappointing. You're just a big talker.
[14:59] Gintoki
    It's not going to happen if you're not prepared, right?
[15:03] Shinpachi
    Forget it. It won't happen.
[15:11] Sachan
    Oh hello, everyone. Fancy meeting you here!
[15:14] Narrator
    Ayame Sarutobi. Nickname: Sachan. An elite ninja and a former a member of the Oniwabanshu.
[15:19] Sachan
    What?
[15:20] Sachan
    A way to get money quickly?
[15:23] Shinpachi
    Sachan, why don't you put your glasses on?
[15:26] Shinpachi
    You're getting on everyone's nerves. I don't care if your character looks like mine.
[15:31] Sachan
    What are you talking about?
[15:33] Sachan
    I couldn't care less about you.
[15:37] Sachan
    All I care about is...
[15:41] Sachan
    ...you, Gin.
[15:45] Shinpachi
    See?! I told you it would help to put on your glasses!
[15:48] Sachan
    I see.
[15:49] Sachan
    So the money you were talking about is not for the purchase of our little love nest?
[15:54] Gintoki
    Our love nest?
[15:56] Gintoki
    Man, I can't even bear to think about sitting next to you at the diner.
[15:59] Sachan
    Always so cold, as usual.
[16:01] Sachan
    But I don't give up so easily.
[16:04] Gintoki
    And what's with the natto, anyway?
SIGN    
[16:07] Gintoki
    Just holding on to it isn't gonna help you you'll lose weight. Seriously.
[16:10] Sachan
    Oh? Do you think that pushing me away is going to make me happy?
[16:14] Gintoki
    Stop blabbering, and do something with the natto, you natto woman!
[16:15] Sachan
    Here we go!
[16:19] Sachan
    That's it! Just like that!
[16:22] Sachan
    More! More! Just keep blasting away at me!
[16:26] Sachan
    You're really turning me on!
[16:29] Shinpachi
    What's this? It stinks!
[16:30] Shinpachi
    What's that smell?
[16:31] Kagura
    Smells like natto and masochism.
[16:36] Puu
    Kato.
[16:36] Shimomoto
    Kato.
[16:41] Puu
    Yo, Kato. How's it going?
[16:43] Katoken
    Well, uh...
[16:48] Shimomoto
    I bet that was hard on you, huh?!
[16:50] Shimomoto
    You put your seal on a contract like that? You'd better be more careful as to what you agree to.
[16:54] Puu
    Too bad. We know you're hard up.
[16:59] Katoken
    Huh? How did you know?
[17:03] Shimomoto
    Anyway, what have you been doing lately?
[17:05] Katoken
    Well, I'm trying to work hard and buy my house back...
[17:08] Puu
    Buy it back? That'll never happen.
[17:11] Shimomoto
    Because...
[17:13] Puu
    Hey...
[17:14] Shimomoto
    W-Well... That's right...
[17:16] Puu
    Well, let us know when you find a house.
[17:19] Puu
    We'll at least send a New Year's card when you do, Kato.
[17:23] Shimomoto
    Take a bath!
[17:24] Puu
    Brush your teeth!
[17:26] Shimomoto
    See you next week!
[17:28] Sachan
    Hey, you...
[17:29] Katoken
    Yes?
[17:31] Sachan
    Maybe you oughta rethink your request.
[17:33] Sachan
    I'm available for assassination jobs since I'm a professional killer.
[17:37] Kagura
    Let's kill them!
[17:38] Kagura
    Why don't we roll them up and throw 'em into the ditch now?!
[17:41] Katoken
    No, wait.
[17:43] Katoken
    I'm changing my request.
[17:46] Katoken
    But it's not going to be assassination.
[17:50] Katoken
    I... want to be stronger!
[17:54] Shinpachi
    We got it!
[17:56] Gintoki
    Hey, everyone...
[17:58] Gintoki
    Well, at any rate, we can jack up his hit points another hundred or so.
[18:04] Shinpachi
    So where are you going, Gin?
[18:07] Gintoki
    I have something to take care of.
[18:13] Hijikata
    That's all.
[18:15] Kondo
    I see.
[18:16] Kondo
    Oh, so this is a blueprint...
[18:20] Narrator
    Isao Kondo. Commander of the Shinsengumi. Strikes fear in the hearts of others.
[18:24] Kondo
    By the way, Hijikata...
[18:27] Kondo
    I have no idea what this says...
[18:30] Hijikata
    I've been trying to explain that this is a blueprint for an Amanto device, Kondo!
[18:36] Kondo
    I see. Some sort of device...
[18:40] Hijikata
    Yes, and someone seems to be planning to use that device for some heinous deed here in Edo.
[18:47] Kondo
    Toshi...
[18:52] Kondo
    What does "heinous deed" mean?
[18:54] Hijikata
    You haven't heard a word I said!
SIGN    
[19:17] Gintoki (M)
    An embassy?
[19:19] Katsura
    Gintoki.
[19:20] Gintoki
    Zura?
[19:22] Katsura
    It's not Zura. It's Katsura.
[19:25] Narrator
    Kotaro Katsura. Member of the exclusionist rebels. An activist trying to rid Edo of aliens called Amanto.
[19:33] Narrator
    Elizabeth. What the hell is this?
[19:36] Katsura
    Gintoki, what are you doing here?
[19:39] Gintoki
    Well... you know, jogging, taking a walk, something like that... I'm not really sure, you know...
[19:46] Katsura
    Very well.
[19:49] Gintoki
    What do you mean?
[19:50] Katsura
    I heard some dangerous rumors around here.
[19:54] Gintoki
    Rumors?
[19:55] Katsura
    I've heard about an Amanto who's plotting to destroy all of Edo.
[20:00] Gintoki
    Why would an Amanto do something like that?
[20:04] Katsura
    I don't know... But if it's true, we must punish them.
[20:10] Katsura
    Gintoki, I don't know what you're going to do, but you'd better be careful.
[20:14] Katsura
    The Embassy is considered foreign soil.
[20:18] Gintoki
    Foreign soil...
[20:21] Gintoki
    I should be careful, then.
[20:23] Gintoki
    Later, Zura.
[20:26] Katsura
    It's not Zura. It's Katsura.
[20:40] Katsura
    That hat is so out of style.
[20:48] Kagura
    Okay! Why don't you give it a try?
[20:50] Shinpachi
    He can't do that!
[20:52] Kagura
    What are you talking about? It's easy!
[20:54] Kagura
    Suppress your inner "self" and even you can look like Antonio Inoki.
[20:58] Shinpachi
    I have no idea what you're talking about.
[21:02] Shinpachi
    Okay, you can start any time.
[21:06] Katoken
    Right...
[21:14] Gintoki
    What? Your eyes are bloodshot. Were you up all night playing Tetris?
[21:19] Shishimura
    The game is just about to begin.
[21:22] Gintoki
    Give it a rest.
[21:23] Gintoki
    Something bad could happen if you swing that toy around like that.
[21:27] Shishimura
    Did he notice my sword cane?
[21:31] Gintoki
    Whatever, but can you at least tell me why you're trying to kill me?
[21:36] Shishimura
    Don't play dumb! We already know you're nosing around.
[21:41] Gintoki
    Wrong. That was Zura. It wasn't me.
[21:45] Gintoki
    No more discussion!
[21:51] Gintoki
    An earthquake?
[21:59] Shinpachi
    You're leaving yourself wide open!
[22:01] Shinpachi
    You think you'll become stronger like that?! Dumbass!
[22:07] Sachan
    You're surprisingly intense.
[22:09] Shinpachi
    Ah, I'm sorry. Are you all right?
[22:13] Kagura
    Get up! Stand up! Katoken!
[22:16] Kagura
    Listen! Keep your elbows close to your body and strike, strike, and strike!
[22:24] Shinpachi
    Wait! That's a jab.
[22:27] Shinpachi
    That won't work for tomorrow, right? It doesn't have anything to do with swordsmanship!
[22:31] Kagura
    Cross Namida Bridge carefully!
[22:36] Sachan
    It looks like it's my turn.
[22:39] Sachan
    I'll make you stronger!
[22:42] Sachan
    Stronger!
[22:44] Katoken
    L-Like this?
[22:46] Sachan
    More! More!
[22:48] Katoken
    Oh yes!
[22:50] Sachan
    That's it. Good!
[22:52] Katoken
    How about this?!
[22:54] Sachan
    You have potential.
[22:56] Shinpachi
    What is this training for?
[22:58] Shinpachi
    What kind of potential does he have?!
[23:01] Sachan
    As a dominatrix...
[23:02] Shinpachi
    He's a man! Anyway, that's not the point!
[23:05] Kagura
    Oh, you're very patient! You'll get another appetizer!
[23:10] Shinpachi
    Untie me now!
[23:12] Katoken
    Um...
[23:14] Katoken
    Thank you so much, but that's enough.
[23:18] Katoken
    I don't think I'll ever get any stronger.
[23:21] Katoken
    I give up...
[23:23] Shinpachi
    Huh? B-But...
[23:25] Katoken
    So I'll just leave.
[23:28] Kagura
    Katoken...
[23:35] Gintoki
    Boy, my best clothes... ruined. My mom is going to be really mad, you bastard!
[23:40] Shishimura
    You'd better be more worried about your life than your clothes!
[23:49] Narrator
    Who is Shishimura, Gintoki's mysterious attacker?
[23:53] Narrator
    And what heinous deed is Kariya the Amanto planning?
[23:56] Narrator
    Did Kato really give up?
[24:04] Narrator
    It's time to say good-bye to those who live in a certain area.
[24:08] Narrator
    For the rest of you, please keep watching!
SIGN