E15 - Pets Resemble Their Owners

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    [Caution]
[00:01] Gintoki
    To all you good boys and girls,
[00:03] ---
    turn on the light in your room and sit up straight.
[00:06] ---
    Be careful not to become an adult like this.
[00:09] ---
    That's all.
SIGN    [The mysterious space creature "Elizabeth": born September 7. 180 cm. 123 kg.]
SIGN    [1st Annual Weird Cosmic Pet Grand Prix Hosted by well-known Tamosan.]
[02:07] Katsura
    What time is it?
[02:08] Shishi B
    It should be soon.
[02:12] Katsura
    He's late.
[02:13] ---
    That darn Sakamoto better not stand us up...
[02:18] Shishi E
    Katsura! There!
[02:23] Katsura
    Looks like he's here.
[02:54] Katsura
    Sakamoto's not here?
[02:56] Mutsu
    He's wandering off like always.
[02:59] Mutsu
    He's one troublesome boss.
[03:01] Katsura
    I see.
[03:03] ---
    So, why did you call us out to a place like this?
[03:06] Mutsu
    It's about this.
[03:12] Mutsu
    It's a present from our boss.
    It's addressed to you, Katsura.
[03:16] Katsura
    To me?
[03:47] Katsura
    Th-This is...
SIGN    ["Pets Resemble Their Owners"]
[04:06] Gintoki
    You can't do this. You can't do your business here.
[04:10] Gintoki
    Your doo-doo is bigger than the size of furniture!
[04:13] Gintoki
    Dammit! This is why I hate walking you!
[04:16] ---
    And after she said "I promise to take care of him!"
[04:20] Gintoki
    In the end, it's always the mom who winds up taking care of the dog!
[04:25] ---
    What? Am I the mom now?
[04:27] Katsura
    Hmph. You can't even train a pet? Sad.
[04:32] Katsura
    If you can't even control just one pet, how do you intend to move an entire nation?
[04:37] ---
    And you call yourself a samurai?
[04:39] Gintoki
    Zura! What's that, that...thing!
[04:42] ---
    Gross!
[04:43] Katsura
    It's not gross. It's Elizabeth.
[04:45] Gintoki
    Well, maybe it isn't so bad on its own, but paired with you...it's gross.
[04:50] ---
    I guess that means you're gross.
[04:52] Gintoki
    That idiot Sakamoto dropped by my place the other day and left it behind.
[04:56] ---
    He probably picked it up on some foreign planet.
[05:00] ---
    Seems he's totally caught up with space travel.
[05:08] Gintoki
    Aren't you the guy who hates aliens?
[05:11] Katsura
    How could I hate an innocent creature like this?
[05:15] ---
    And besides...
[05:17] Katsura
    She's kinda cute, don't you think?
[05:21] Katsura
    Okay, let's go, Elizabeth. Shall we take our walk on the riverbank?
[05:25] Gintoki
    Zura... What the heck are you...
[05:29] Gintoki
    Hey! What the?! Stop that!
[05:32] ---
    It's humongous! And stinks!
[05:35] Gintoki
    I told you to stop!
[05:40] Gintoki
    Good grief.
[05:42] Shinpachi
    Oh, Katsura did that...?
[05:46] Shinpachi
    He sure has his weird side.
[05:47] Gintoki
    Yeah, guess he's sort of mellowed.
[05:52] ---
    Think he might take ours, too?
[05:54] ---
    We don't need a roommate who doesn't contribute.
[05:57] Gintoki
    The only things he contributes is feces and pain!
[06:00] Kagura
    That kind of talk is not nice to Sadaharu, nope nope.
[06:03] Kagura
    Sadaharu! Go ahead and gnaw his skull down to the bone, yep.
[06:06] Gintoki
    Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! All right, I'm sorry.
[06:09] ---
    Feces, pain, and urine!
[06:11] Kagura
    Okay, Sadaharu, let him go.
[06:14] Shinpachi
    It's not okay. He didn't add anything positive to that list!
[06:17] Shinpachi
    Anyway, pets are just supposed to provide stress relief.
[06:21] Shinpachi
    You shouldn't expect any other compensation from them.
[06:23] Tamo
    We're looking for unusual pets for our show.
[06:26] Gintoki
    Huh?
SIGN    [1st champion: Susumu]
[06:27] Tamo
    Ever since our country opened up to the galaxy,
SIGN    [2nd champion: Hiroyuki]
[06:29] Tamo
    many different animals have arrived with the Amanto.
SIGN    [3rd champion: Satoru]
[06:33] Tamo
    Is there a strange pet living in your neighborhood?
[06:36] Tamo
    We'll be crowning the strangest and cutest pet in Japan on our show!
[06:41] ---
    The winner will receive a fabulous prize...
[06:46] Gintoki
    Stress relief...or fabulous prizes...which would you rather have?
[06:50] Otose
    One week?!
[06:52] Gintoki
    For sure.
[06:54] Gintoki
    If you'll wait one week, I'll pay you the money gift-wrapped, so don't worry.
[06:58] Kagura
    I feel like an oil tycoon! I can have all the pickled seaweed I want!
[07:02] Shinpachi
    For an oil tycoon, you've got small ambitions...
[07:05] Otose
    You sure seem confident. Do you have something in mind?
[07:10] Gintoki
    I do.
[07:11] Kagura
    Unusual for him!
[07:12] Shinpachi
    Sort of...
[07:14] Otose
    I'm getting the feeling it's something fishy...
[07:17] Catherine
    Otose! You mustn't trust what these guys say!
[07:21] Catherine
    It's all just talk! All B.S.!
[07:24] Gintoki
    Hey, you, why're you back here looking as though nothing happened?
[07:29] Kagura
    If I'm not mistaken, you're in jail right now!
[07:34] Otose
    Catherine was just recently released.
[07:37] ---
    She had nowhere else to go, so she came back here.
[07:41] Gintoki
    You sure are an eccentric, old lady...
[07:44] ---
    hiring this thief who ran off with your shop's money...
[07:48] ---
    Are you trying to reform her or something?
[07:50] Otose
    Nothing like that. I just needed the help.
[07:55] Gintoki
    Well, that's fine with me.
[07:57] Kagura
    I'm warning you, don't touch my stuff, you cat-eared alien!
[08:02] Catherine
    Don't talk big when you don't even have anything worth stealing, you girly alien!
[08:06] Kagura
    Watch it, you alien hag!
[08:08] Kagura
    I'll stuff a live fish into your mailbox one day!
[08:11] Catherine
    I dare you to go without eating, you alien glutton!
[08:16] Shinpachi
    Good one.
[08:18] Otose
    Well, you've all had the chance to meet Catherine...
[08:22] Otose
    One week. If you don't pay me by then,
[08:26] ---
    you know what'll happen, don't you?
[08:37] Katsura
    Okay, Elizabeth, shall we go to the park today?
[08:42] Katsura
    Well then, let's go.
[08:45] Shinpachi
    Come on, bring it!
[08:49] Gintoki
    Whenever you're ready!
[08:51] Kagura
    Okay, Sadaharu, do your best.
[08:57] Kagura
    Okay, go! Sadaharu!
[09:04] Kagura
    Sadaharu! Your paw!
[09:09] Kagura
    Sadaharu! Now the other one!
[09:13] Kagura
    Sadaharu! Sit!
[09:16] Kagura
    Okay, we can do this! He's gotten much better!
[09:20] Gintoki
    Uh, could you tell him to be a bit more gentle?
[09:26] Shinpachi
    What he means is, we're risking our lives for every basic trick.
[09:32] Katsura
    What're you doing?
[09:35] Gintoki
    Oh, it's you, Zura...
[09:37] Katsura
    It's not Zura, it's Katsura.
[09:39] ---
    But more importantly, I want to know what you're doing.
[09:41] Kagura
    Can't you see? We're teaching Sadaharu tricks.
[09:45] Katsura
    Oh, is that so?
[09:47] ---
    Which means you took my advice and had a change of heart?
[09:52] Gintoki
    Don't be an idiot! Who'd have a change of heart just because of what you said?!
[09:57] Kagura
    Sadaharu's going to be on TV.
[09:59] Katsura
    TV?
[10:00] Gintoki
    That's why we're doing special training.
[10:02] ---
    Not that it's of any interest to a wanted man like you, right?
[10:06] Kagura
    Okay, next is sitting up! Sadaharu!
[10:12] Katsura
    ...TV.
SIGN    [1st Annual Weird Cosmic Pet Grand Prix]
[10:16] Tamo
    No pet contestant is too strange!
[10:19] ---
    The stranger, the more original.
[10:21] ---
    1st Annual Weird Cosmic Pet Grand Prix!
[10:32] Otose
    I'm Ho-ome!
[10:34] Catherine
    Welcome back.
[10:36] Catherine
    How did it go, Otose?
[10:37] Otose
    Not good. They ran off again.
[10:41] Otose
    They run away every time I go to collect the rent.
[10:49] ---
    If I ever catch 'em, I'll beat the living daylights outta 'em.
[10:52] Catherine
    Nothing you say is going to work with people like that.
[10:55] Catherine
    One rotten apple spoils the batch.
[10:57] ---
    The best thing is to chase them out before they ruin everything.
[11:00] Otose
    Isn't that talking too big for someone who was just released from jail?
[11:05] Catherine
    That was that. This is this.
[11:08] Otose
    You sure have nerve.
[11:12] Catherine
    Otose! Otose! Look at that!
[11:16] Otose
    Quiet! Do you want to get thrown back into the slammer?! Do you?!
[11:19] Catherine
    Look. Look at the TV!
[11:22] Tamo
    Welcome from Kabukicho, Shinjuku, space creature Sadaharu and his owners, the Sakata family.
[11:29] Otose
    Sakata family?! What the hell are those morons up to now?!
[11:34] Catherine
    Their way of paying the rent...this is what they were talking about.
[11:38] Tamo
    The team that gets past the preliminary round will earn the right to face our previous champion...
[11:41] Tamo
    the Mask du Meow family and their pet, Miss Garter Belt!
[11:45] ---
    Good luck!
[11:47] Mu
    Bring it on!
[11:50] Shinpachi
    I can't believe we're actually doing this.
[11:53] Gintoki
    We're playing to win. So psych yourself up!
[11:56] Tamo
    Uh, is that Sadaharu clamped onto Sakata? Are you all right?
[12:03] Gintoki
    I'm fine. Sadaharu is a bright pup. This is his playful bite.
[12:08] Tamo
    But you're bleeding...
[12:10] Shinpachi
    Gin, the judges are getting worried.
[12:13] ---
    Stop the bleeding! Stop it!
[12:15] ---
    Stop Sadaharu, Kagura!
[12:17] Shinpachi
    He won't listen to anybody but you, Kagura.
[12:20] Kagura
    Right.
[12:25] Kagura
    Sadaharu! Stop! No snacks for you tonight!
[12:29] Shinpachi
    Are you ignoring me, too?!
[12:33] Shinpachi
    Come on! Pull yourselves together. We can't get to the finals like this!
[12:39] Gintoki
    That so? The judges can't take their eyes off of me.
[12:42] ---
    Of course they can't take their eyes off of you. Look in the mirror!
[12:46] Kagura
    You're both stiff. Use the entire stage!
[12:50] ---
    Move your bodies more!
[12:52] Shinpachi
    You're the one who looks like a robot!
[12:55] Tamo
    It would seem the owners are more unusual than their pet.
[12:59] ---
    Let's cut to commercial.
[13:09] Tamo
    All right! Let's welcome our next team.
[13:15] Tamo
    Our next unusual pet is...
[13:17] Tamo
    space creature Elizabeth, and her owner, Space Captain Katsura!
[13:25] Gintoki
    What's he up to?
[13:27] Gintoki
    A wanted man is disguising himself to get on TV.
[13:31] Shinpachi
    He seems to really love his pet.
[13:34] Kagura
    He likes his pet, but he's also in love with that costume.
[13:37] Tamo
    Katsura, what exactly is a Space Captain?
[13:42] Katsura
    A captain in space.
[13:47] Tamo
    You'll be facing Sadaharu over there. The winner advances to the finals.
[13:52] ---
    How confident are you?
[13:54] Katsura
    That's nothing but a huge dog.
[13:57] ---
    My dog Taro back home is about that size.
[14:00] Gintoki
    What's that, Zura?!
[14:02] Gintoki
    Stuff like that monster penguin of yours comes out of the faucet when I turn on the spigot at home!
[14:08] Shinpachi
    Too obvious! Stop making up such transparent lies!
[14:10] Tamo
    It's time to appeal to our judges!
[14:12] ---
    Come on and give it up.
[14:15] ---
    It's time for the first round.
[14:17] ---
    Show our judges your pet's most attractive features!
[14:20] Tamo
    As we always mention, our judges assign scores according to their own arbitrary judgment.
[14:26] Tamo
    All right, let's begin with the Sakata family. This is your time to shine. Go!
[14:31] Kagura
    Okay! Let's show them the results of your special training!
[14:34] Gintoki
    Damn right you will.
[14:36] Gintoki
    We can't let this past week of bloody effort go to waste.
[14:39] Shinpachi
    Spraying blood around isn't really work, though.
[14:42] Kagura
    Are you ready, Gin? Shinpachi?
[14:46] Kagura
    Ready, Sadaharu?
[14:50] Gintoki
    This will work. Trust in yourself.
[14:52] Gintoki
    Mom believes in you, son.
[14:55] Shinpachi
    Who are you talking to?
[14:57] Kagura
    Okay, Sadaharu! Go!
[15:05] Kagura
    Sadaharu! Your paw!
[15:07] Kagura
    Now the other one!
[15:09] Kagura
    The final trick! Sit!
[15:13] Kagura
    Okay! Perfect!
[15:15] Katsura
    Hmph. It's no different than the last time!
[15:18] ---
    As if force and blood are all it takes to call something a trick.
[15:22] ---
    My Elizabeth doesn't do such lowly tricks.
[15:25] Tamo
    Now, it's Elizabeth's time to appeal to our judges.
[15:28] ---
    Go ahead!
[15:30] Katsura
    Watch this!
[15:34] Tamo
    Paper and brushes?! What is she going to do?!
[15:39] Katsura
    Yes...
[15:39] Katsura
    Show them, Elizabeth!
[15:50] Tamo
    Oh! Elizabeth's drawing like crazy all of a sudden!
[16:02] Gintoki
    Wh-What's that...?
[16:04] Tamo
    It's a wonderful painting!
[16:06] ---
    It's as though a human painted it!
[16:09] Katsura
    Hey, announcer, what kind of way is that to describe it?!
[16:12] Katsura
    That's being rude to Elizabeth.
[16:14] Tamo
    Uh... Forgive me.
[16:16] Kagura
    Hmph. I could paint better than that!
[16:20] Shinpachi
    No, that's not the point.
[16:22] Gintoki
    It's all right. We win on impact. Don't worry.
[16:26] Shinpachi
    We only won on quantity of blood.
[16:29] Tamo
    This is fine work...
[16:32] ---
    I think this will achieve quite a high score.
[16:36] Tamo
    All right, judges, let's see your scores.
[16:45] Tamo
    My! We've got quite a point spread from the very start!
[16:50] Tamo
    Will it be possible to turn the tables?!
[16:52] Shinpachi
    That's what I'd like to know.
[16:56] Katsura
    Hmph. The match is over.
[17:02] Tamo
    We'll now move on to round two.
[17:07] Tamo
    I will toss this fried chicken bone. The first pet that fetches this bone back to its master will be the winner.
[17:12] Tamo
    Feel free to yell commands at your pet. If you win this event, you will receive 30,000 points.
[17:18] Tamo
    Put your heart and soul into this challenge!
[17:20] Katsura
    Hey, announcer. Then what was the purpose of the first round?
[17:24] Tamo
    Well, as a show, we needed to build the excitement...
[17:28] Katsura
    You don't need to do that! Change the rules right now!
[17:32] Gintoki
    Hey Zura. Don't argue with the producers!
[17:36] Gintoki
    If you've got a problem with it, go on home!
[17:38] Katsura
    What?!
[17:38] Tamo
    Now, now.
[17:39] ---
    Anyhow, this will determine the winner.
[17:41] ---
    Both of you, good luck.
[17:43] Gintoki
    Why don't we just skip the boring contest and duke it out like men?
[17:47] Katsura
    I was hoping you'd say that!
[17:49] Tamo
    No, this isn't your fight! Cut it out, damn you!
[17:53] Shinpachi
    Hey, maybe we can win this, after all!
[17:55] ---
    Elizabeth looks pretty slow on her feet, doesn't she, Kagura?
SIGN    [Shinpachi, say something funny.]
[18:04] Shinpachi
    Why don't you go home?
[18:12] Tamo
    Okay, here we go!
[18:14] Tamo
    Ready...
[18:16] Tamo
    Get set...
[18:23] Tamo
    Go!
[18:25] Tamo
    What do we have here?!
[18:35] Gintoki
    Idiot! The other way!
[18:39] Tamo
    Sadaharu ran the wrong way, and is chasing after his owner!
[18:43] Gintoki
    Stop! It's the other way, I'm telling you!
[18:55] Tamo
    Uh-oh! Sakata charged into the judges' table!
[18:59] ---
    Stop that! Don't destroy the set!
[19:03] ---
    As for Elizabeth...
[19:07] Tamo
    What speed!
[19:08] ---
    Elizabeth looked to be at a disadvantage, but she's running at awesome speed!
[19:13] ---
    Huh? Are my eyes playing tricks on me?!
[19:15] Tamo
    For an instant, I saw what looked like an old man's leg.
[19:17] ---
    There it is again! Hey, old man!
[19:21] Katsura
    Enough with your false accusations!
[19:23] ---
    Elizabeth trained hard just for today.
[19:25] ---
    Don't call her an old man or things like that!
[19:27] Tamo
    Uh... Sorry.
[19:29] Shinpachi
    Gin!
[19:31] Shinpachi
    If you're going to run away, run away toward the bone!
[19:34] ---
    Kagura! Call Sadaharu back!
SIGN    [I'm feeling a bit hungry.]
[19:39] Shinpachi
    Who're you talking to...?
[19:41] Gintoki
    Don't come this way! Stop, you stupid dog!
[19:44] ---
    Look out!
[19:45] Gintoki
    Out of the way!
[19:48] ---
    I'm not moving. As Annual Weird Cosmic Pet Grand Prix champion and its owner...
[19:59] Mu
    I can't run from here! I'll take you on!
[20:03] ---
    Miss Garter Belt! Execute Plan C!
[20:17] Tamo
    Oh! Our champion is defeated so easily!
[20:20] Tamo
    How will we hold our finals?
[20:32] Tamo
    Sadaharu bites Sakata!
[20:36] ---
    Just what on earth is your relationship, anyway?!
[20:40] Shinpachi
    Gin! What'll we do? We're about to lose!
[20:44] Kagura
    Sadaharu, move!
[20:48] Kagura
    Oh look, look. Want this?
[20:52] Gintoki
    Come one, come on, put me down, you damn brat!
[20:55] Kagura
    Go!
[20:58] Gintoki
    Go?!
[21:12] Tamo
    It appears Sakata is using himself as bait
[21:16] Tamo
    to lure Sadaharu!
[21:18] Tamo
    Sadaharu is charging like a rhino! But Elizabeth has nearly reached the bone.
[21:28] Gintoki
    No fabulous prize for you.
[21:31] Katsura
    Let go of Elizabeth!
[21:33] Katsura
    The fabulous prize belongs to me and Elizabeth.
[21:37] Katsura
    After all is said and done, you love your master, don't you?
[21:41] ---
    But if you bite any harder,
[21:43] Katsura
    I'll snap your master's neck.
[21:46] ---
    What are you gonna do?
[21:47] Gintoki
    He's not gonna do anything! He doesn't understand you!
[21:50] Tamo
    You bastards! You changed the format of the contest!
[21:53] Tamo
    Please, if you don't follow the rules, we can't broadcast this!
[21:57] Katsura
    Who cares about your broadcast!
[22:01] Elizabeth
    Oh, the hell with it.
[22:05] Elizabeth
    I'm pooped.
[22:08] Elizabeth
    I'm going home. Can you just get off me?
[22:23] Tamo
    What's going on?!
[22:28] Katsura
    That can't be. Elizabe...
SIGN    [One moment please]
[22:42] Otose
    What the hell was that?!
[22:44] ---
    What happened to Elizabeth?!
[22:46] ---
    Hey! Elizabeth!
SIGN    
[24:20] Hasegawa
    Until just a while ago, I was headed straight on the path to success,
[24:24] Hasegawa
    but after I did that thing on a whim, I lost everything.
[24:28] Hasegawa
    The next episode:
[24:30] Hasegawa
    "If You Stop and Think About It, Your Life's a Lot Longer as an Old Guy than a Kid! Whoa, Scary!!"
[24:34] ---
    All I have now are my sunglasses.
SIGN    [Taizo Hasegawa, age 38, unemployed. Formerly a ranking Shogunate official.]
SIGN    [Currently looking for employment throwing away his pride. But, he can't throw away his shades.]
SIGN    [What are you jerks looking at?]