E201 - Everybody’s a Santa

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    [This episode comes from an end-of-the-year Christmas story that ran in JUMP over New Years.]
SIGN    [The dream of the girl Kagura was playing came true. He was the real Santa Claus!!]
[00:25] Kagura
    The very first very merry contest to determine
    who the real Santa Claus is!
[00:33] Kagura
    Who's up first?
[00:36] Kondo
    I'll go.
[00:37] Kondo
    I promise to become Otae-san's Santa.
[00:40] Kagura
    Okay, stand by then.
[00:42] Kagura
    Boss lady, can you play
    the part of mother?
[00:45] Madao
    Then I'm playing the father?
[00:47] Madao
    This is a little embarrassing.
[00:48] Shinpachi
    I'll never accept Hasegawa-san
    as my brother-in-law!
[00:50] Kondo
    I'll do it then.
[00:52] Kyu
    No, I will.
[00:52] Shinpachi
    You're supposed to be Santas!
[00:55] Shinpachi
    And what am I playing?
SIGN    
[01:03] Kagura
    Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Christmas!
[01:08] Kagura
    All done!
[01:09] Kagura
    Mommy, I'm done decorating
    the Christmas tree.
[01:11] Otae
    How wonderful!
[01:12] Otae
    It was worth the effort!
[01:15] Kagura
    This is a common household that
    you could find in any country.
[01:19] Shinpachi
    How is this a common household?!
[01:21] Shinpachi
    And why am I the tree?!
[01:23] Kagura
    We were having another common
    and peaceful Christmas.
[01:28] Shinpachi
    What are you two standing like
    a freeze-frame shot for?!
[01:31] Shinpachi
    It's annoying!
[01:32] Shinpachi
    I couldn't move if I wanted to!
[01:34] Kagura
    Mommy, I'm sure that Santa
    will come this year!
[01:38] Otae
    He might not come to visit a little girl who sneaks
    a bite of a meat pie that's for the party.
[01:44] Kagura
    Geez, Mommy!
[01:47] Otae
    It was only a joke.
[01:48] Otae
    I'll keep it a secret from Santa.
[01:50] Shinpachi
    This is annoying!
[01:51] Kagura
    Oh, come on!
[01:51] Shinpachi
    Stop pretending to be all American!
[01:52] Otae
    Oh, you're so hopeless.
[01:53] Shipnachi
    Go to sleep and wait for Santa!
[01:56] Madao
    You can't blame her!
[01:57] Madao
    Since Mommy's meat pie
    is the best in Texas!
[01:59] Shinpachi
    We're in Texas?!
[02:00] Madao
    I'd love to let Santa try some!
[02:02] Madao
    Oops, if he puts on any weight,
    his reindeer will complain to us!
[02:06] Shinpachi
    Her daddy's annoying too!
[02:08] Shinpachi
    The whole family's being
    witty and annoying!
[02:10] Kagura
    Look, Mommy!
[02:11] Kagura
    There's a cockroach eating
    your meat pie!
[02:13] Otae
    Oh no!
[02:14] Shinpachi
    He's a cockroach?!
[02:16] Shinpachi
    What sort of witty cockroach is this?!
[02:18] Shinpachi
    Wasn't he supposed to be the father?!
[02:20] Otae
    Must be the head of all
    those cockroaches!
[02:23] Shinpachi
    The cockroach daddy?!
[02:24] Shinpachi
    Why is he even here then?!
[02:25] Shinpachi
    Where's the real daddy then?!
[02:26] Otae
    Let us offer this pie to Daddy.
[02:29] Shinpachi
    Why is there a Buddhist altar in Texas?
[02:31] Kagura
    Daddy loved his meat pies!
[02:33] Kagura
    I'm sure he'll appreciate this!
[02:35] Shinpachi
    How could he?!
[02:36] Shinpachi
    It's a cockroach pie now!
[02:38] Kagura
    My daddy was a hero in Petnam.
[02:42] Kagura
    On Christmas Day five years ago, I didn't
    receive the present I asked for.
[02:49] Kagura
    Instead, I received notice that Daddy
    had been killed in action.
[02:52] Shinpachi
    Say, this is starting to sound
    unnecessarily depressing.
[02:55] Kagura
    In the middle of battle, something
    fell from Daddy's pocket.
[02:59] Kagura
    He returned for it, only
    to be riddled by bullets.
[03:03] Kagura
    Daddy's corpse was beyond recognition,
    from all the pie...
[03:08] Shinpachi
    That was just a pie-throwing contest!
[03:10] Shinpachi
    How was he killed in action?!
[03:11] Shinpachi
    What kind of hero was your daddy?!
[03:13] Kagura
    Daddy's pie-covered hand was clutching his
    present for me, the meat pie I'd asked for.
[03:20] Shinpachi
    Another pie?!
[03:21] Shinpachi
    Isn't that enough?!
[03:22] Shinpachi
    If you think that mentioning meat pies makes you
    sound American, you're completely wrong!
[03:26] Kagura
    This will be the fifth Christmas since.
[03:29] Kagura
    I still haven't gotten my chance
    to eat that meat pie.
[03:34] Shinpachi
    Of course you can't!
[03:35] Shinpachi
    It's all looking like the Sea of
    Corruption from "Nausicaa"!
[03:38] Kagura
    I knew the truth all along.
[03:40] Kagura
    It won't matter if Santa comes,
[03:43] Kagura
    I can no longer have what I want.
[03:50] Shinpachi
    What the hell do you want here?!
[03:51] Shinpachi
    What present is Santa supposed
    to bring you?!
[03:59] Kagura
    The next morning, the
    girl woke up to find...
[04:07] Kagura
    That her meat pie, a memento
    of her father, had been eaten.
[04:11] Otae
    Oh my god!
[04:12] Otae
    How awful!
[04:14] Otae
    We've been visited by a thief, not Santa!
[04:16] Kagura
    The worst possible morning.
[04:16] Otae
    Wow, I don't believe this!
[04:18] Otae
    Jesus Christ!
[04:18] Kagura
    The worst possible Christmas.
[04:19] Otae
    Goddamn it!
[04:19] Kagura
    But oddly enough, she felt at peace.
[04:20] Otae
    I don't believe it!
[04:24] Kagura
    Like a curse had been lifted from her.
[04:28] Kagura
    Like her father had given
    her a push to move on.
[04:34] Kagura
    God must have eaten the pie for her.
[04:39] Kagura
    The girl chuckled as she pictured
    God getting an upset stomach.
[04:45] Kagura
    But it hadn't been eaten
    by God or even a thief.
SIGN    ["Merry Christmas"]
[04:53] Kagura
    Santa Claus?
[04:57] Shinpachi
    The hell?!
[04:58] Shinpachi
    How is that a present?!
[05:00] Kondo
    You don't understand the agony I endured
    to release her from her suffering?
[05:03] Shinpachi
    You released a whole lotta crap
    in the toilet, that's what you did!
[05:07] Kondo
    That was me leaving a calling
    card like in Cat's Eye.
SIGN    [Note: From the manga series "Cat's Eye."]
[05:09] Shinpachi
    We don't want a cat's crap!
[05:12] Kondo
    What's the judge's opinion?!
[05:14] Kondo
    6 points!
[05:15] Kondo
    30 points!
[05:17] Kondo
    Death?!
[05:18] Kondo
    Otae-san, what's with that?!
[05:19] Kondo
    Until death do us part, right?!
[05:21] Kondo
    That must be it, right?!
[05:22] Shinpachi
    Kagura-chan, why did you give
    a relatively high score?
[05:25] Kagura
    The lead heroine performed admirably.
[05:28] Kagura
    I'm interested in seeing
    her perform more.
[05:30] Shinpachi
    That was you!
[05:32] Shinpachi
    Hasegawa-san, isn't the highest
    possible score a 10?
[05:34] Shinpachi
    Why did you give him a 30?
[05:35] Madao
    If there's one cockroach around,
    there's thirty more hiding.
[05:38] Shinpachi
    Is that some kind of warning?!
[05:39] Shinpachi
    Who needs thirty old men!
[05:42] Kyu
    Okay, I'll go next.
[05:44] Kagura
    We'll need you to stand by again.
[05:46] Shinpachi
    Say...
[05:47] Shinpachi
    Can I get a better role this time?
[05:52] Kagura
    Would you like a pachi?
[05:54] Kagura
    Please, just one is enough.
[05:57] Kagura
    Would you like a pachi?
[05:59] Kagura
    I'm just a common little pachi girl
    that you could find in any city.
[06:03] Shinpachi
    The hell is a little pachi girl?!
[06:06] Kagura
    Today is Christmas Eve.
[06:07] Kagura
    Everyone walking around
    town looks so happy,
[06:11] Kagura
    but I'm selling pachi here, as always.
[06:14] Kagura
    I have to in order to stay alive.
[06:16] Shinpachi
    Could you explain what
    you mean by a pachi?!
[06:18] Kagura
    Would you like a pachi?
[06:19] Otae
    No thanks.
[06:20] Kagura
    Would you like a pachi?
[06:21] Otae
    That stuff is worthless.
[06:24] Kagura
    And once again, I wasn't able
    to sell any pachi today.
[06:26] Shinpachi
    This is kinda depressing!
[06:28] Shinpachi
    Not to mention Sis is
    playing every other part!
[06:30] Kagura
    I won't be able to go home now.
[06:32] Kagura
    If I go home, he'll just...
[06:35] Madao
    I said that I won't let you in until
    you've sold all those pachi!
[06:39] Madao
    Go make me more beer money!
[06:40] Madao
    Useless girl!
[06:42] Shinpachi
    I see, your worthless old man
    is working you to the bone.
[06:45] Shinpachi
    You won't be able to go home then.
[06:47] Kagura
    No more...
[06:48] Kagura
    I don't want to go back to
    a roach-infested house!
[06:51] Shinpachi
    Again?!
[06:53] Kagura
    It's cold...
[06:55] Kagura
    I desperately tried to sell pachi as
    I slowly freeze in this weather,
[06:59] Kagura
    but my body would no longer move.
[07:02] Shinpachi
    Which one of us looks colder here, huh?!
[07:04] Kagura
    To keep myself from drifting off,
    I decided to use one pachi.
[07:11] Kagura
    It's wrong to use merchandise,
[07:14] Kagura
    but I'm sure that God will
    forgive me this one sin.
[07:18] Kagura
    A present from me, for myself.
[07:21] Shinpachi
    Huh? You use pachi to
    keep yourself warm?
[07:24] Shinpachi
    Okay, sure.
[07:25] Shinpachi
    If you're that cold, go ahead and use me.
[07:28] Shinpachi
    What do I do?
[07:32] Shinpachi
    A pachi is just a punching bag?!
[07:35] Kagura
    I felt warmer after using a pachi.
[07:38] Shinpachi
    Only because you're moving your body!
[07:40] Kagura
    My body and soul feel
    all warm and fuzzy.
[07:43] Shinpachi
    How can you feel warm and fuzzy when you're
    doing something so cold-blooded?!
[07:46] Kagura
    And then something odd happened.
[07:49] Kagura
    Every time I used a pachi, all kinds of dinner
    dishes appeared on a Christmas table.
[07:57] Kagura
    It may have been a hallucination.
[08:01] Kagura
    But I was so happy that
    I kept using pachi.
[08:05] Kagura
    More phantoms appeared.
[08:07] Kagura
    Green onions, konjac, monjayaki,
    shirataki noodles,
[08:11] Kagura
    monjayaki, monjayaki, monjayaki...
[08:13] Shinpachi
    Half of those are the same thing!
[08:17] Kagura
    I said I would only use one,
[08:20] Kagura
    before I knew it, I was sparring
    with two or three of them.
[08:24] Shinpachi
    You just said sparring, yeah?
[08:25] Shinpachi
    You just admitted that
    this is sparring, yeah?
[08:30] Shinpachi
    I'll die!
[08:31] Shinpachi
    At this rate, the pachi and
    little pachi girl will all die!
[08:33] Shinpachi
    Santa!
[08:34] Shinpachi
    This girl doesn't matter, but the pachi!
[08:37] Shinpachi
    Save the pachi at least!
[08:41] Kyu
    Those are capable of making
    anything appear?
[08:43] Shinpachi
    Huh?!
[08:44] Kyu
    I'm asking if they can make anything,
[08:47] Kyu
    even Tae-chan, appear.
[08:49] Shinpachi
    Huh?
[08:52] Kagura
    The next day, on the morning
    after Christmas Eve,
[08:55] Kagura
    the people walking through town
    discovered a pile of pachi ashes,
[09:02] Kagura
    and the corpses of two burnt out
    boxers with smiles on their face.
[09:07] Shinpachi
    Why did Santa join in?!
[09:10] Shinpachi
    Nobody was saved here!
[09:12] Kyu
    At the very least, the
    girl and I were saved.
[09:15] Kyu
    Since we were able to see our
    wishes granted in the end.
[09:17] Shinpachi
    Hell no!
[09:18] Shinpachi
    How could I possibly hurl up Sis?!
[09:21] Kyu
    What do you think, judges?
[09:24] Shinpachi
    Hey!
SIGN    
[09:25] Shinpachi
    When did this turn into Star Search?!
SIGN    
[09:28] Otae
    I was impressed by her ability to play both
    major characters and minor roles.
[09:32] Otae
    We would love to hire
    the girl with a ponytail.
[09:34] Shinpachi
    These people aren't even
    watching Santa!
[09:37] Shinpachi
    They're only watching themselves!
[09:39] Shinpachi
    And you!
[09:40] Shinpachi
    I said that the highest
    possible score is a 10!
[09:42] Madao
    If there's a Daira Hara sighting,
    spot them 3,000 points.
SIGN    [Note: Reference to the Japanese show "QUIZ Derby"]
[09:45] Shinpachi
    Is that even a warning?!
[09:46] Shinpachi
    Does that ever happen?!
[09:48] Sa
    Honestly, this is painful to watch.
[09:51] Sa
    I'll go next.
[09:53] Sa
    You'll see that I'm on an entirely different
    level from the rest of you.
[09:55] Sa
    But I have a request to make.
[09:57] Kagura
    What's that?
[09:59] Sa
    I won't be delivering a present to you.
[10:02] Sa
    Do you mind if I deliver a present
    to the boy in the glasses?
[10:04] Shinpachi
    Huh?
[10:05] Kagura
    I don't really mind.
[10:07] Shinpachi
    Shinpachi, wanna take a turn?
[10:09] Shinpachi
    It's fine with me...
[10:10] Sa
    Then please do.
[10:12] Sa
    Let's get started!
[10:15] Shinpachi
    The world had shifted to
    the Christmas season.
[10:18] Shinpachi
    The people walking around town
    were all in a festive mood.
[10:22] Shinpachi
    As always, there was no
    change in my world.
SIGN    [Tsu]
[10:24] Shinpachi
    In the past, I used to think that something
    wonderful might happen for no real reason,
[10:30] Shinpachi
    but nothing ever happened.
[10:33] Shinpachi
    ...Or so I thought.
[10:42] Sa
    Ouch, I had a little mishap
    with the reindeer.
[10:46] Sa
    Merry Christmas, master.
[10:49] All
    One, two,
[10:51] Sa
    Sa-chan!
[10:52] Shinpachi
    This feels like a romantic
    comedy I've seen before!
SIGN    [Planning by: Ayame Sarutobi]
[10:55] Sa
    Nice to meet you, master.
[10:58] Sa
    I am a spectacled ninja Santa robot.
[11:00] Sa
    Sa-chan for short.
[11:01] Sa
    I've come from the future to grant the
    fantasies of a helpless cherry boy.
[11:06] Sa
    Now, Shinpachi-kun.
[11:08] Sa
    What do you want to do?
[11:10] Sa
    Want me to whip you?
[11:11] Sa
    Or smack me?
[11:12] Sa
    Or do you want to be hit,
    thinking you're letting me hit?
[11:15] Sa
    Or do you want to smack me thinking
    you're being forced to hit...
[11:16] Otae
    I want to smack you hard!
[11:20] Otae
    I knew something was up when you
    asked for a switch to Shin-chan.
[11:24] Otae
    You're gonna throw yourself on a boy in
    puberty to get the job done, you slut?!
[11:29] Otae
    Don't teach my little brother
    your dirty ways!
[11:32] Sa
    Oh, why if it isn't Shinpachi-kun's
    stepsister, Otae-san.
[11:36] Sa
    The skank who takes advantage of
    your shared living arrangements
[11:38] Sa
    to run into each other in the
    bathroom and the like.
[11:41] Otae
    The hell I would!
[11:42] Otae
    We're siblings by blood!
[11:44] Otae
    You can go hit on the
    idiot with silver hair!
[11:46] Sa
    I'm sucking it up and doing this so I can
    go hit on the idiot with silver hair!
[11:51] Sa
    I'm smacking this young ass so I can
    become Santa and have my way!
[11:55] Otae
    The hell are you doing?!
[11:57] Sa
    What is this?
[11:59] Sa
    Hey, your brother's room is all sticky.
[12:02] Otae
    Ew, Shin-chan.
[12:02] Otae
    What were you doing in your room?
[12:04] Shinpachi
    Don't make it sound like I'm
    doing something bad here!
[12:06] Shinpachi
    I know noth...
SIGN    [Super-strength Roach Motel]
[12:12] Kagura
    A tale of three cockroaches.
[12:14] Shinpachi
    We just got thrown into
    that category by force!
[12:19] Kagura
    My name is Kagura.
[12:21] Kagura
    A high school girl in the spring of youth.
[12:22] Kagura
    The rest of the world is excited about
    Christmas and love and whatever,
[12:26] Kagura
    but that doesn't matter to me!
[12:27] Kagura
    I'm an energetic girl who's
    only interested in eating!
[12:30] Shinpachi
    She took back control!
    She's moving on with her story!
[12:33] Kagura
    And now, there's finally been
    a change in my life.
[12:37] Gintoki
    That hurt.
[12:38] Gintoki
    Watch where you're going.
[12:42] Kagura
    Yes...
[12:46] Kagura
    After meeting him...
[12:48] Shinpachi
    She somehow dragged
    the old guys into this!
[12:54] Gintoki
    You can wear red clothing
    and deliver presents,
[12:57] Gintoki
    but that doesn't necessarily
    make you Santa.
[12:59] Umi
    It's about spirit.
[13:01] Umi
    The soul of a Santa that
    helps children dream.
[13:05] Gintoki
    So his idea is to interject himself into a performance
    so he can deliver his present in a dramatic fashion...
[13:12] Gintoki
    He really is the real Santa.
[13:14] Umi
    He easily over came this hurdle.
[13:17] Kagura
    I don't believe this!
[13:19] Kagura
    You run into a lady and
    don't even apologize?!
[13:22] Kagura
    Which one of you ran into me?!
[13:24] Gintoki
    Lady? Where's this lady you speak of?
[13:24] Umi
    I don't recall transferring to a countryside
    school with horses.
[13:26] Gintoki
    All I see is an uppity filly.
[13:26] Umi
    This some kind of stable for fillies?
[13:30] Kagura
    You were talking at the same time
    so I have no idea what you said.
[13:33] Gintoki
    Could you shut up for a second?
[13:33] Umi
    Could you keep quiet for a moment?
[13:35] Gintoki
    Well, I was the one who ran into you.
[13:35] Gintoki
    Don't interfere with my scripted
    scenario, old timer!
[13:35] Umi
    The filly belongs to everyone.
    She isn't yours.
[13:38] Umi
    Is he using the same "the new transfer
    student in Santa" plan as I am?
[13:42] Gintoki
    I said that I ran into her!
[13:44] Umi
    No, it was me!
[13:45] Gintoki
    No, me!
[13:46] Umi
    Me!
[13:46] Gintoki
    It was me!
[13:48] Kagura
    Uh-oh, that's the bell!
[13:50] Umi
    What?!
[13:50] Gintoki
    Not good!
[13:51] Gintoki
    At this rate...
[13:52] Teach
    I would like to introduce the
    new transfer student.
[13:54] Gintoki
    I'm Santa. Nice to meet...
[13:56] Kagura
    Ah!
[13:58] Kagura
    You're the guy from earlier!
[13:59] Gintoki
    That event won't happen!
[14:01] Shinpachi
    What's with the parade of cliches?!
[14:03] Gintoki
    I'm the only transfer student they need!
[14:06] Umi
    Don't give me that crap!
[14:06] Umi
    I'm the transfer student!
[14:09] Madao
    Okay, I'd like to introduce some new friends
    who are going to be joining us.
[14:14] Gintoki
    I'm Gin-Santa.
[14:15] Umi
    I'm Ol'Santa.
[14:18] Umi
    Damn, couldn't lose him.
[14:20] Gintoki
    Oh well.
[14:21] Gintoki
    At least I wasn't late...
[14:22] Kondo
    I'm Kondo-Santa.
[14:23] Kyu
    I'm Kyu-chanta.
[14:24] Sa
    I'm Sa-chan.
[14:26] Madao
    Everybody get along.
[14:27] Shinpachi
    How many transfer students are there?!
[14:29] Shinpachi
    And one of them is completely sticky!
[14:31] Sa
    Pleasure.
[14:32] Otae
    Hey, is there anybody you like?
[14:35] Shinpachi
    This classmate is also sticky!
[14:36] Shinpachi
    What's wrong with Class 3-G?!
[14:38] Gintoki
    Bastards...
[14:40] Gintoki
    They still haven't given
    up on being Santa?
[14:43] Gintoki
    But it's too late!
[14:45] Umi
    I've already met Kagura once.
[14:48] Umi
    We're already tied together by destiny.
[14:50] Umi
    Young girls are suckers for destiny.
[14:52] Kagura
    Oh! It's you!
[14:54] Umi
    See?
[14:55] Kagura
    You've showed yourself
    again, damn cockroach!
[14:58] Shinpachi
    Him?!
[14:59] Shinpachi
    He introduced the transfer students,
    but he's still a cockroach?!
[15:03] Kagura
    He's been bugging me
    since I was in Texas.
[15:06] Kagura
    Such a drag...
[15:07] Shinpachi
    Texas?!
[15:08] Shinpachi
    These stories are tied together?!
[15:10] Shinpachi
    Didn't you die once?!
[15:11] Otae
    Oh, he followed you all the way to Japan.
[15:15] Otae
    What a tough cockroach.
[15:16] Umi
    What is this?
[15:17] Umi
    I'm losing to a cockroach?
[15:19] Umi
    The cockroach is the one that's
    being reunited by destiny?
[15:21] Otae
    He may have been watching
    over you this entire time.
[15:25] Kagura
    Stop that, Tae. It's not like that.
[15:30] Kagura
    That's just ridiculous.
[15:34] Kagura
    He couldn't have been protecting me.
[15:37] Shinpachi
    Wait, what is this?
[15:39] Kagura
    He would always show up dirty,
[15:43] Kagura
    and I would hit him with my slipper.
[15:45] Shinpachi
    Where is this going?
[15:46] Kagura
    But he would always show up on
    the nights when I felt lonely.
[15:52] Kagura
    Those Christmas nights when I was sad.
[15:56] Kagura
    He may have come to keep
    me from being alone...
[15:59] Shinpachi
    No, that can't be it!
[16:02] Kagura
    Next thing I knew, I found myself always
    staring at the cockroach's brilliance.
[16:03] Madao
    Listen up.
[16:05] Madao
    If there's one cockroach
    around, there's thirty.
[16:07] Shinpachi
    Why is a cockroach teaching class?!
[16:09] Kagura
    And after school...
[16:10] Girl
    Bye, Mr. Cockroach!
[16:13] Madao
    Stay away from roach motels.
[16:15] Shinpachi
    The hell is Mr. Cockroach
    supposed to mean?!
[16:17] Shinpachi
    I can't tell if that's a slander like Porky
    Gorilla or a term of endearment!
SIGN    [Note: Butagorilla (Porky Gorilla) is a character from the manga "Kiteretsu Daihyakka"]
[16:20] Kagura
    My chest hurts...
[16:22] Kagura
    So tight...
[16:23] Kagura
    I'm about to throw up...
[16:25] Shinpachi
    Many people throw up after
    seeing a cockroach!
[16:28] Kagura
    This is...love!
[16:30] Shinpachi
    The hell are you talking about?!
[16:32] Kagura
    Student and cockroach...
[16:33] Kagura
    I knew this love would never work.
[16:37] Kagura
    But I wanted to tell him my feelings.
[16:40] Kagura
    Tell the cockroach how I feel...
[16:44] Otae
    Say, everybody know what you're
    doing for Christmas Eve?
[16:47] Gintoki
    Not really.
[16:48] Umi
    Watch Santa Akashiya and go to sleep.
SIGN    [Note: Japanese talk show that airs at the end of year.]
[16:50] Shinpachi
    The Santas have lost interest!
[16:51] Shinpachi
    A Santa watching Santa Akashiya?!
[16:53] Kondo
    I'm spending Christmas
    Eve with Otae-san.
[16:56] Kyu
    What a coincidence. So am I.
[16:57] Kondo
    Right? Gotta spend Christmas
    with Otae-san.
[16:59] Shinpachi
    What did you two reappear for, anyway?!
[17:01] Otae
    What about you, Kagura-chan?
[17:04] Kagura
    Nothing really.
[17:05] Sa
    Why am I the only one
    who got skipped over?!
[17:07] Otae
    Is that a present for someone?
[17:09] Sa
    Oh, making us jealous, huh?
[17:10] Sa
    Who's it for?
[17:12] Kagura
    You've got it wrong! I was
    going to wear it myself.
[17:20] Otae
    Oh, you should do that part like this.
[17:24] Kagura
    You're amazing, Otae-chan!
[17:26] Kagura
    You can knit.
[17:27] Kagura
    I'm so bad at this...
[17:30] Otae
    I happen to be making something
    myself right now.
[17:32] Kondo
    What?! Otae-san is knitting something?!
[17:34] Kyu
    Knitting what?! For who?!
[17:36] Sa
    There's something coming
    out of her bag.
[17:38] Otae
    Ah!
[17:39] Otae
    You're wrong! This is, um...
[17:41] Kagura
    That was when I saw something
    I wasn't supposed to.
[17:46] Kagura
    There were large initials
    stitched on there...
[17:49] Kagura
    "G."
SIGN    [Note: "G" is the initial for cockroach (gokiburi) in Japanese.]
[17:50] Shinpachi
    Why?!
[17:51] Shinpachi
    Why would Sis also fall for Roach Guy?!
[17:54] Kagura
    Otae-chan, have you felt this
    way since we were in Texas?
[18:00] Kyu
    Tae-chan, who is this "G."?!
[18:01] Kondo
    It stands for Gorilla, right?!
[18:03] Kondo
    That'd be me, right?!
[18:04] Sa
    You trying to lay hands on my
    Gin-san?! Ain't happening!
[18:06] Shinpachi
    One of you couldn't be any more wrong!
[18:08] Kondo
    Damn it!
[18:10] Kondo
    I can't take any more of this crap!
[18:12] Kyu
    Sorry, but I agree!
[18:13] All
    Christmas can go to hell!
[18:15] Shinpachi
    The Santas just rejected Christmas!
[18:19] Otae
    Did I do something...wrong?
[18:23] Umi
    You didn't do anything wrong.
[18:26] Umi
    Nobody's wrong here.
[18:30] Shinpachi
    What is this?!
[18:31] Shinpachi
    And what role are you guys playing?!
[18:33] Shinpachi
    You're Santas, right?
[18:34] Shinpachi
    You're really Santas, right?!
[18:35] Kagura
    I became scared...
[18:38] Kagura
    I had a feeling that something would
    change if I told G. how I felt...
[18:45] Kagura
    If that were to destroy this
    irreplaceable friendship...
[18:50] Kagura
    Otae-chan, I...
[18:52] Otae
    On Christmas Eve...
[18:55] Otae
    they're cleaning the whole school.
[18:58] Otae
    There won't be a single
    cockroach left alive.
[19:01] Otae
    So, since this is the end...
[19:04] Otae
    We both have to try our best.
[19:07] Kagura
    Otae-chan...
[19:09] Otae
    No matter what happens,
    I will always be...
[19:12] Otae
    ...your friend.
[19:18] Kagura
    Same here.
[19:22] Sa
    They're both stubborn fools.
[19:24] Sa
    It won't be the same after
    you've fought over a man.
[19:29] Sa
    Humans only maintain relationships
    that bring benefits.
[19:33] Sa
    The same goes for Santa.
[19:34] Sa
    If nobody believes in us,
    we can't help them dream.
[19:39] Sa
    There is no real Santa in this world.
[19:44] Gintoki
    Done pretending to be Santa, huh?
[19:47] Sa
    Where are you two going?!
[19:50] Gintoki
    Sure, we're nothing like Santa.
[19:53] Umi
    But it's too early to say that
    Santa doesn't exist.
[19:59] Umi
    We're off to see...
[20:01] Gintoki
    The real Santa and his
    indiscriminate love.
[20:07] Kagura
    After that, we spent sleepless nights knitting
    away in preparation for Christmas Eve.
[20:14] Otae
    Because we're friends, I can't lose.
[20:16] Otae
    Because we're friends,
    I have to do my best.
[20:19] Kagura
    But the harder I tried, the more
    the threads would fray.
[20:24] Otae
    We weren't making any progress.
[20:27] Kagura
    And it was the morning
    of Christmas Eve.
[20:30] Kagura
    Oh no! I fell asleep!
[20:32] Otae
    What do I do? I'm only half-done...
[20:37] Otae
    There we found a finished knitting...
[20:41] Kagura
    Half of it was roughly done
    and unattractive,
[20:45] Kagura
    but it looked very warm...
SIGN    [Merry Christmas]
[21:04] A
    It's all clean now.
[21:06] B
    We'll feel clean as we
    greet the new year!
[21:09] A
    Oh yeah. Where are Kagura-chan
    and Otae-chan?
[21:12] B
    No idea. I think they're absent today.
SIGN    [Year-3 Class-G]
[21:15] A
    Ew! A cockroach!
[21:22] Kagura
    Why are you here?
[21:24] Kagura
    What about the mittens?
[21:25] Otae
    And what about your
    scarf, Kagura-chan?
[21:28] Kagura
    I went back to sleep and when
    I woke up, it was noon.
[21:31] Otae
    What a coincidence. Same here.
[21:33] Kagura
    And I just realized that G. doesn't
    have to mean Cockroach.
[21:43] Both
    To my girlfriend.
[21:50] Kyu
    That was impressive.
[21:52] Kyu
    You didn't seek anything
    in return for your efforts
[21:55] Kyu
    while salvaging the friendship.
[21:57] Kondo
    You win.
[21:58] Kondo
    You're the real...
[22:00] Gintoki
    No.
[22:01] Umi
    We aren't Santas.
[22:08] Both
    They're the real Santas.
[22:13] All
    The hell was that?!
[22:15] Gintoki
    How is this a contest for
    deciding who's Santa?!
[22:17] Gintoki
    You're stealing all the glory!
SIGN    [I'm Santa]
[22:21] Kagura
    When we all love and
    support one another,
SIGN    [I'm Santa] [I'm Santa]
SIGN    [I'm Santa] [I'm Santa] [I'm Cockroach]
[22:23] Kagura
    everybody's a Santa.
[22:25] Gintoki
    Shut up!
[22:26] Gintoki
    You're all frickin' cockroaches!
[22:29] Gintoki
    No more of this!
[22:30] Gintoki
    I'm leaving!
[22:30] Umi
    A complete waste of time.
[22:33] Kagura
    Hey, wait up!
[22:34] Kagura
    Hold on a sec!
[22:36] Kagura
    Gin-chan.
[22:37] Kagura
    Everybody.
[22:38] Kagura
    And Pappy.
[22:42] Kagura
    Happy Merry Last Episode.
SIGN    [Thank you kindly for four years of support.]
SIGN    [See you again someday...]