E22 - Marriage Is Prolonging an Illusion for Your Whole Life

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    [Sarutobi Ayame, a.k.a. Sachan, a former elite Oniwabanshu ninja.]
SIGN    [The target to terminate this time is the unscrupulous loan shark, Nezumiya.]
[01:51] Nezumiya
    Echigoya, you're quite an evil rascal! Omiya must be cursing you from the afterworld.
[01:57] Echigoya
    Surely you jest...
[01:59] ---
    You were the one who set up his murder, Nezumiya-sama.
[02:03] ---
    That was you.
[02:06] Nezumiya
    Oh? Is that so?
[02:08] Echigoya
    There you go joking again!
[02:28] Echigoya
    I hope we can continue to do business together.
[02:33] Echigoya
    What is it? Is someone there?
[02:38] Nezumiya
    Wh-Who are you?!
[02:42] Sachan
    Like the sound of the bell at Gion Temple, nothing is permanent...
[02:47] Sachan
    The color of the blossoms on the twin sandalwood trees...
[02:51] Sachan
    gives us cause to bring death to fiends and villains.
[02:55] Sachan
    Good evening. Sachan, the assassin, has come.
[02:59] Sachan
    Black market merchant Nezumiya.
[03:01] ---
    You preyed on the weak common folk...
[03:04] Sachan
    to fill your own pockets. An act deserving of ten thousand deaths.
[03:08] Sachan
    I, assassin Sachan, shall punish you.
[03:10] Nezumiya
    Hey, hey, I'm over here!
[03:14] Sachan
    Prepare to die, Nezumiya!
[03:16] Nezumiya
    What did you come here for?!
[03:19] Sachan
    Oh, I'm sorry...
[03:21] Sachan
    I dropped my glasses earlier.
[03:23] ---
    Would you help me find them?
[03:25] Underling A
    Here.
[03:27] Sachan
    Oh, thank you.
[03:29] Sachan
    Ah, now I can see what I'm...
[03:32] Sachan
    I wish I couldn't see now...
[03:34] Underling A
    Intruder!
[03:39] Sachan
    My plan has failed! Retreat!
[03:41] Masa/Yuji
    What?!
[03:43] Underlings
    She's getting away!
[03:44] Underling C
    After her!
[03:52] Sachan
    I messed up...
[03:54] ---
    I have no choice. I'll return later.
SIGN    ["Marriage Is Prolonging an Illusion for Your Whole Life"]
[04:11] Shinpachi
    Good morning!
[04:13] Otose
    Oh, Shinpachi? Morning.
[04:15] Shinpachi
    You're early today, Otose-san.
[04:18] Otose
    It's because all you guys are such goof-offs.
[04:21] ---
    By the way, you promised to pay last month's rent by today.
[04:26] ---
    Give that message to my good-for-nothing tenant.
[04:28] Shinpachi
    Uh...right. I'm sorry.
[04:31] Otose
    It's about time he got married and learned a little responsibility.
[04:38] ---
    Yes, you're right...
[04:40] Shinpachi (M)
    Gin-san married...?
[04:42] ---
    It could never happen...
[04:45] Shinpachi
    Good morning.
[04:47] Shinpachi
    Huh? Where is everyone, Sadaharu?
[04:53] Shinpachi
    They really are goof-offs.
[04:56] Shinpachi
    Okay, get up. It's morning.
[05:00] Shinpachi
    Gin-san! Ms. Ketsuno Ana's morning Weather Alert is about to...
[05:07] Kagura
    Huh? What're you doing, Shinpachi?
[05:10] Shinpachi
    Don't come any closer!
[05:12] Kagura
    Did something happen to Gin-chan?
[05:14] ---
    Why are you trying to stop me?!
[05:16] Kagura
    Have you become his stopper?!
[05:17] Shinpachi
    Stop! There's nothing but a filthy world in there!
[05:31] Gintoki
    Unh... What is it...? You're making too much noise...
[05:49] Gintoki
    So, who is this person?
[05:51] Shinpachi
    You're the one who brought her here!
[05:54] Gintoki
    Yesterday...
[05:55] ---
    It's no use. All I remember is up until I went drinking.
[05:59] Shinpachi
    You're going to play dumb after engaging in ninja cosplay?
[06:02] ---
    Is she a kunoichi? Did you do kunoichi role-playing?
SIGN    [Kunoichi is a term for a female ninja, often highly sexualized.]
[06:05] Gintoki
    Cut it out! I wouldn't do a thing like that!
[06:08] ---
    You know I'm into nurse costumes.
[06:10] Shinpachi
    Are you telling the truth?
[06:11] Kagura
    Shinpachi.
[06:13] Kagura
    Men should play around while they're young.
[06:16] Kagura
    If they don't, when they're older, they'll be tricked by young women,
[06:20] Kagura
    or become obsessed with weird fetishes.
[06:21] ---
    That's what Mommy told me.
[06:23] Gintoki
    Your mommy went through a lot, didn't she?
[06:27] Gintoki
    Uh, I...don't remember anything. Did I do anything strange?
[06:31] Sachan
    No, nothing.
[06:32] Gintoki
    I see, I see. That's great.
[06:35] ---
    I thought maybe for sure I did something wrong while I was drunk.
[06:39] Sachan
    There are no "mistakes" between husband and wife.
[06:41] ---
    I'll go along with any of your crazy desires.
[06:44] Gintoki
    I beg your pardon?
[06:45] Sachan
    Now, Dear...
[06:46] ---
    Look how sticky the natto has become.
[06:49] ---
    Say "aah."
[06:50] Gintoki
    Ow-ow-ow.
[06:51] ---
    That's not my mouth.
[06:53] ---
    They say the eyes are as expressive as the mouth, but that's not my mouth.
[06:56] ---
    What do you mean, "husband and wife"?
[06:57] Sachan
    You will take responsibility, won't you? After doing what you did.
[07:01] Gintoki
    What do you mean "what I did"? I didn't do anything!
[07:04] Sachan
    What're you talking about?
[07:06] ---
    We were entwined with each other like this natto.
[07:08] Sachan
    Ow-ow-ow.
[07:09] Gintoki
    I told you, that's not your mouth!
[07:11] Shinpachi
    Gin-san, you can't change what you did. Accept it.
[07:15] Kagura
    They say marriage is more about becoming familiar with one another than love.
[07:17] Gintoki
    What're you guys talking about?!
[07:19] ---
    Your beloved Gin-san's about to be taken away by crazy natto girl!
[07:21] Gintoki
    This is ridiculous!
[07:23] ---
    You're trying to trick me by using the fact that I don't remember anything!
[07:26] ---
    In the first place, we don't even know each other's names, so how can we talk about marriage?
[07:31] Sachan
    You act as if you don't know.
    But our bodies know.
[07:35] Gintoki
    Stop talking like that!
    And that's not me!
[07:39] Shinpachi
    If your eyes are that bad,
    put on your glasses!
[07:42] ---
    They fell off. Here!
[07:44] Sachan
    So, that's what happened.
[07:45] Sachan
    My name is Sachan.
[07:47] ---
    Please make me happy for life, my husband.
[07:50] Shinpachi
    Uh...likewise. Please be good to us, too.
[07:53] Kagura
    I prefer fish to meat for dinner, okay.
[07:56] ---
    You're too quick to accept her!
[07:57] ---
    Gin-san is over here!
[08:01] Sachan (M)
    I'll lay low here for a while to throw off my pursuers.
[08:12] Shinpachi
    Looks like she's serious about staying here.
[08:15] ---
    What are you going to do, Gin-san?
[08:17] Kagura
    A woman who's serious is harder to get rid of than the fat in pork broth ramen.
[08:21] Gintoki
    Good grief.
[08:23] Gintoki
    Times like this, all I can do is calm myself down with something sweet.
[08:28] Sachan (M)
    He listens to what I say with no problem.
[08:30] ---
    Men are such stupid creatures.
[08:32] ---
    All I have to do now is play the cute, obedient, young wife.
[08:37] Gintoki
    Hey, anyone seen the pudding that I put in the fridge?
[08:43] ---
    You know, the pudding I had in the fridge.
[08:46] Sachan
    Oh come on! And I tried to hide it, too!
[08:49] ---
    I guess I have no choice, you piggy you!
[08:52] Gintoki
    Huh?
[08:52] Sachan
    What day is it today?
[08:54] Gintoki
    What is it? Garbage day? The expiration date on a food package?
[08:58] Sachan
    Oh come on! You've already forgotten?
[09:00] ---
    It's the anniversary of the day we spent together!
[09:03] Gintoki
    We just met a while ago.
[09:05] ---
    Hasn't your personality changed?
[09:08] Sachan
    Ta-da!
[09:09] ---
    Natto pudding for our anniversary!
[09:13] Gintoki
    Am I being punished for something?
[09:15] Sachan
    Today, I've made a special combination of our two favorite things!
[09:20] ---
    Now, open wide...
[09:22] Gintoki
    Enough of this!
[09:27] Gintoki
    Hey, after pushing yourself on me as my wife, you're going to sully my pudding?!
[09:32] ---
    The hierarchy in this household starts with me.
[09:35] ---
    After that, it's sweets. Remember that!
[09:37] Shinpachi
    Hey! Sweets are number two?!
[09:42] Sachan (M)
    I didn't play this right...
    Bear it. Bear it, Sachan.
[09:51] Sachan
    You don't have to be shy about it. Now have some.
[09:54] Gintoki
    I'm not going to eat this!
[09:56] Kagura
    It's okay. This is actually pretty good.
[09:59] Gintoki
    Don't eat it!
[10:01] Gintok
    You're not going to eat it,
[10:02] Gintok
    so don't go trying to create a collaboration between the pudding and natto, fool!
[10:05] ---
    Are you trying to be a producer?!
[10:07] ---
    I'll hang a cardigan over your shoulders.
[10:10] Sachan (M)
    This is humiliating.
[10:11] ---
    I was once one of the elite Oniwabanshu-why should I be subjected to this verbal abuse.
[10:18] Gintoki
    If you can't abide by these rules, then get out, you worthless woman!
[10:22] Sachan (M)
    But what is this? This feeling...
[10:26] ---
    I'm going out to buy something sweet.
[10:28] Sachan
    Wait!
[10:30] Shinpachi
    How'd you end up like that?
[10:33] Kagura
    The natto...it's sucking me in.
[10:38] Gintoki
    Why're you following me?
    And what's with that outfit?
[10:41] Sachan
    Men like young wives, right?
[10:44] Gintoki
    That's certainly a young wife's look,
[10:46] Gintoki
    but only Masuo-kun would like a young wife who looks like that.
[10:49] Sachan
    That's someone else.
[10:51] Sachan
    My pursuers won't recognize me in this costume.
[10:54] ---
    Now all I have to do is play the cute, obedient, young wife.
[10:58] Sachan
    What's the matter?
[10:59] Gintoki
    Nothing.
[11:03] Sachan
    You just looked at that woman, didn't you?
[11:06] ---
    Hmph. Is she your type?
[11:08] Gintoki
    No way! Are you trying to make me out to be a weirdo?!
[11:12] Otose
    What're you doing out here?
[11:15] Sachan
    Who might you be?
[11:17] Otose
    Who am I? Who are you?
[11:20] ---
    Gintoki?
[11:22] Sachan
    You showed him no respect.
[11:23] Gintoki
    It's no big thing.
[11:25] Otose
    By the way, Gintoki, you said that by today, you'd pay last month's...
[11:29] Sachan
    Just a minute. Don't talk to him so affectionately.
[11:32] ---
    I'm sorry, but Gin-san is already...
[11:34] Sachan
    mine!
[11:37] Otose
    What's with that woman? All I did was ask you to pay me!
[11:42] Sachan
    So it's alimony you want, is it?
[11:43] ---
    You had your fun, too! You don't deserve any money!
[11:47] Otose
    What's that girl talking about?
[11:50] Sachan
    You're nothing but a woman from his past.
    Immerse yourself in your old memories.
[11:53] Gintoki
    Hey! You think this is my former girlfriend?!
[11:56] ---
    You really must think I'm a weirdo among weirdos!
[11:58] Otose
    I'm going to beat the both of you!
[12:02] Sachan
    Could she be your mother? Is she your mother?!
[12:05] Gintoki
    Hey, if my mother were like this, I'd have become a delinquent in middle school!
[12:08] ---
    I'd have had a punch perm!
[12:09] Otose
    Shall I give you a punch right now?!
[12:13] Sachan
    Please forgive my rudeness, Mother.
[12:16] Otose
    What's with this girl?
[12:18] Gintoki
    She, you know, hit her head when she tripped and fell after chasing a stray cat that ran off with a fish.
[12:23] Gintoki
    She's a little light in the head and enjoys cosplay.
[12:26] Sachan (M)
    To be treated this rudely in public...
[12:30] ---
    Yet why, again, do I feel...
[12:32] ---
    This stirring in my heart...
[12:35] Sachan (M)
    More... I want him to torment me more...
[12:40] Otose
    What's wrong with this girl?
[12:45] Shinpachi (Softly)
    Man!
[12:46] ---
    Gin-san wasn't firm with her, so now she really does plan on staying here!
[12:50] ---
    Isn't it about time you showed her you're a man?
[12:54] Gintoki
    But I really did try.
[12:57] Sachan
    That man is smitten with me.
[13:00] ---
    Men are foolish creatures.
[13:03] ---
    But what is this occasional throbbing in my heart?
[13:10] Kagura
    I'm back.
[13:12] Kagura
    Gin-chan, you don't think she's...?!
[13:14] Shinpachi
    You mean?!
[13:15] Gintoki
    What? Me?
[13:17] ---
    That couldn't be...
[13:24] Sachan
    Hello? Sachan speaking.
[13:26] Nezumiya
    Hello there, Miss Assassin.
[13:28] Sachan
    You're...!
[13:30] Nezumiya
    Nice to meet you last night. I'm glad to hear your voice again.
[13:34] Nezumiya
    I think I've fallen in love with the beautiful assassin.
[13:39] Sachan
    Nezumiya?!
[13:42] Nezumiya
    I got your cellular number from...
[13:45] Nezumiya
    your friends who snuck into my home.
[13:48] Nezumiya
    I'd really like to meet you again.
[13:50] Nezumiya
    You will come, won't you?
[13:52] ---
    The stars may change, but the importance of one's friends...
[13:54] Nezumiya
    never changes, you know.
[13:56] ---
    Well, I'll be waiting.
[14:02] Gintoki
    Hey.
[14:04] Gintoki
    I've decided to deal with this. I'm an honorable man.
[14:07] ---
    Even though I can't remember any of it,
[14:09] ---
    I can't ignore you after what I did to you.
[14:11] Gintoki
    If you'll settle for a guy like me, then, please marry me.
[14:25] Shinpachi
    Are...you serious, Gin-san?!
[14:28] Sachan
    I see. Then come with me.
[14:31] Gintoki
    To the wedding hall?
[14:33] ---
    I don't have too much money.
[14:35] Gintoki
    Ow-ow-ow! Just a minute...
[14:38] ---
    This is my first time, so please be gentle!
[14:39] Shinpachi
    I'd better be careful of women, too.
[14:42] Kagura
    Shinpachi!
[14:44] Shinpachi
    What's the matter?
[14:46] Kagura
    That.
[14:47] Shinpachi
    How long has that hole been here?
[14:49] Kagura
    Sachan might be an angel from the heavens.
[14:55] Sachan
    First, you need to meet my father.
[14:58] Gintoki
    An introduction, huh? I've come this far. Might as well keep going.
[15:02] Gintoki
    But why do we have to go this way?
[15:05] Sachan
    I was raised in a very strict house, so I have a curfew.
[15:09] Gintoki
    Well, you guys sure have a nice, big house.
[15:12] ---
    What?
[15:13] Gintoki
    Is your father a scary guy?
    What kind of person is he?
[15:15] Sachan
    He's an unscrupulous loan shark with hair all over his body and buckteeth.
[15:19] Gintoki
    What's with that?
[15:20] Gintoki
    Are you at that age when you don't want to do your panties in the same wash as his?
[15:24] Gintoki
    Every girl reaches that age eventually.
[15:27] ---
    But try to remember-wasn't your father your first love?
[15:33] Gintoki
    Once we're newlyweds, I'm going to change these bad habits of yours.
[15:36] ---
    I'm declaring my dominance.
[15:37] Sachan
    Shh... Quiet.
[15:39] Gintoki
    Who's that?
[15:40] Sachan
    Our manservant, Nakamura-san, the butler.
[15:42] Sachan
    He's on lookout because I'm coming home late.
[15:46] Gintoki
    Let me tell you this now: I'm the type of guy who's pretty restrictive.
[15:49] Gintoki
    If we get married, I'll bind you to my rules.
[15:51] Sachan
    Huh? Bind...?
[15:53] Sachan (M)
    What is this? Why does the sound of his words cause my chest to tighten so...?
[15:57] ---
    I want to be bound...bind me! Bind me! Tighter!
[16:02] ---
    Bind...me?
[16:05] Gintoki
    Darn right.
[16:07] Gintoki
    You won't be able to see your male friends or stay out all night with the girls.
[16:11] Gintoki
    Trouble. Nakamura-san saw us.
[16:15] Nakamura B
    Wh-What's that?!
[16:17] Nakamura C
    It's the assassin! The assassin's back!
[16:20] Gintoki
    Nakamura-san!
[16:21] ---
    That's going too far!
[16:23] ---
    Nakamura-san couldn't help it-that's his job!
[16:27] Gintoki
    Seems like a lot of them are coming.
    Who are they this time?
[16:29] Sachan
    It's Nakamura B, Nakamura C and Nakamura D.
[16:31] Gintoki
    So...they're all named Nakamura?!
[16:33] Sachan
    It has begun. Father is testing the groom. Fight hard for me, honey!
[16:38] Gintoki
    Say what?
[16:45] Sachan
    Let's go!
[16:46] Gintoki
    Hey! Don't leave your husband!
[16:50] Underling A
    Allow me to report.
[16:51] ---
    The assassin woman has broken through our security and appears to have entered the mansion.
[16:57] Nezumiya
    Then set the traps! When you find them, kill them all!
[17:02] Underling A
    Yes, sir!
[17:04] Nezumiya
    They're like moths flying into a flame.
[17:10] Nezumiya
    They won't reach here unless they get past all the traps.
[17:14] Nezumiya
    Even if they manage to get here,
[17:17] Nezumiya
    we have hostages.
[17:19] Nezumiya (M)
    We will finish them off.
[17:25] Gintoki
    Your father must be quite strict.
[17:28] ---
    I'm practically out of work.
    Think that's all right?
[17:30] Sachan
    It'll be all right. Just as long as he can trust you as a person.
[17:38] Gintoki
    Bad! This is really bad! They're here!!
[17:41] Gintoki
    What the hell is going on at your house?!
[17:43] Sachan
    It's a son-in-law test!
[17:45] Sachan
    He's trying to see if we can make it together even if the path is closed off.
[17:48] Gintoki
    Closed off? It's coming right at us!
[17:53] Gintoki
    Hop! Step! Business Jump!
[17:58] Sachan
    Seems he is testing whether or not you can withstand the pressure of taking over our House.
[18:03] Gintoki
    I think all I was doing was running away.
[18:08] Saotome
    I've been expecting you.
[18:10] Gintoki
    Who's this?
[18:11] Sachan
    My ex-boyfriend. He's working with my father to get in our way.
[18:15] Gintoki
    You're still seeing your ex-boyfriend?
[18:18] ---
    I seriously can't allow that. I told you I'd bind you to my rules.
[18:21] Sachan
    He's a bit of a stalker.
[18:23] Saotome
    My foolhardiness gives me license throughout the land!
[18:25] Gintoki
    Hey, ex-boyfriend. Men who cling on without letting go...
[18:30] Gintoki
    are boors!
[18:33] Sachan
    We need to hurry.
[18:34] Gintoki
    Right.
[18:39] Gintoki
    What's going on here?!
[18:41] ---
    Who are those guys?!
[18:43] Sachan
    Ex-boyfriends.
[18:44] Gintoki
    What? You've got to be kidding! All of them?
[18:46] ---
    What number am I?!
[18:47] Sachan
    This isn't good. We have to meet Father quickly and explain the situation.
[18:51] Gintoki
    All right, then you go on first! I'll come later.
[18:55] Sachan
    But, what about you, Gin-san?
[18:57] Gintoki
    In a situation like this, no husband would stop his wife from going first.
[19:00] ---
    Gosh, this is hard to run in!
    I should've worn a suit!
[19:05] Sachan
    I'll be counting on you, then!
[19:06] Gin-Toki
    Give my regards to Father!
[19:10] Gintoki
    Persistent bastards.
[19:14] Gintoki
    From here on, I won't allow you to take...
[19:17] Gintoki
    one step...
[19:20] Gintoki
    On second thought, no way!
[19:23] Underling A
    Nezumi-sama! Trouble! Nezumi-sama!
[19:25] Underling A
    The assassin woman has bested each of our traps,
[19:28] Underling A
    and she appears to be approaching this way.
[19:30] ---
    Many of the assassins we sent after her have been defeated.
[19:33] Nezumiya
    Curses! She doesn't know when to quit!
[19:35] ---
    Doesn't she care what happens to the hostages?!
[19:38] Nezumiya
    Since it's come to this, mobilize every last man! Get rid of them at all cost!
[19:42] Underlings
    Yes, sir!
[19:44] Sachan
    Nezumi-sama.
[19:46] Sachan
    Their objective is the rescue of the hostages.
[19:49] ---
    I think the best plan would be to bind their friends to posts
[19:51] ---
    and spear them to death in order to stop them from coming.
[19:54] Sachan
    Well, then, I...
[19:57] Sachan
    Oh no, my glasses. My glasses...
[19:59] Nezumiya
    Hey, where are you going?
[20:01] Sachan
    Shh... Be quiet. It's me, Sachan.
[20:05] Sachan
    I'll rescue you now, so play along for a while.
[20:09] Underling A
    There she is! It's the assassin!
[20:11] Underling B
    Kill her!
[20:13] Yuji/Masa
    Sachan! Run!
[20:15] Yuji/Masa
    Sachan!
[20:25] Nezumiya
    Wh-Who are you?!
[20:38] Gintoki
    The knockout-blow assassin!
    It is I... Gin the groom!
[20:42] Sachan
    Gin-san!
[20:45] Gintoki
    Father!
[20:48] Gintoki
    Please let me marry...
[20:50] Gintoki
    your daughter!
[21:07] Sachan
    Gin-san? Hey, Gin-san!
[21:14] Sachan
    Forgive me, Gin-san.
[21:18] Sachan
    The truth is... Nothing happened between us.
[21:22] Sachan
    Yet you... You let me use you like this.
[21:26] Gintoki
    Hey, what're you doing? I'm not hurt there. Did you hear me?
[21:32] Gintoki
    That's enough. Don't touch me. You smell like natto.
[21:37] ---
    If you can't even treat wounds like this,
    no one will have you as their wife.
[21:41] Gintoki
    See you.
[21:44] Gintoki
    Oh, and one more thing...
[21:46] Gintoki
    The next time you want me to help you,
[21:48] Gintoki
    don't do all this roundabout stuff and just come to Odd Jobs.
[21:56] Masa
    Think Sachan's fallen in love?
[22:00] Yuji
    Who knows...
[22:07] Sachan
    Men really are foolish creatures.
[22:14] Shinpachi
    Good morning.
[22:15] Shinpachi
    Gin-san! You'll miss Ms. Ketsuno...Ana's morning Weather Alert...
[22:21] Sachan
    Gin-san, bind me tightly...
[22:24] Gintoki
    No, that's not what I meant.
SIGN    
[23:58] Sakamoto
    If it isn't Gintoki!
[24:00] ---
    It's me, Tatsuma Sakamoto!
[24:02] ---
    What? A spaceship is about to crash? That's terrible!
[24:08] ---
    The next episode: "When You're in a Fix, Keep on Laughing, Laughing..."
SIGN    [After winning a drawing for a free trip to space, the Odd Jobs gang sets out.]
SIGN    [But was the ship space-jacked and in danger of crashing on a planet?!]