E63 - "The Preview Section in JUMP is Always Unreliable"

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    [When watching TV, please keep the lights on and watch from a distance.]
SIGN    
SIGN    
SIGN    
SIGN    [A girl who can see the future and a ninja with hemorrhoids. The ending of the story cannot be changed...]
SIGN    [And we're using a new ending song from this episode on. So please watch all the way to the end.]
[01:48] Zenzo (M)
    If a samurai is a dog, then a Shinobi is a cat.
[01:55] Zenzo (M)
    A dog is loyal to his master.
[01:57] Zenzo (M)
    They're loyal, faithful, and have a sense of duty.
[01:59] Zenzo (M)
    A dog will sacrifice his life for the sake of his master.
[02:03] Zenzo (M)
    He takes pride in living an honorable life.
[02:07] Zenzo (M)
    However...if he loses his master, he also loses his path in life.
[02:13] Zenzo (M)
    Cats are different.
[02:14] Zenzo (M)
    As long as it's kept fed, a cat will call anyone master.
[02:19] Zenzo (M)
    Ours is neither a beautiful nor ugly life. In it...
[02:25] Zenzo (M)
    we are only attached to our skills as Shinobi.
[02:30] Zenzo (M)
    Our supreme joy is perfecting our Shinobi skills into the ultimate art.
SIGN    [Nin Nin Pizza]
[02:36] Zenzo (M)
    And once again, the cat is on the prowl tonight.
[02:44] Zenzo
    Lots of time to spare. A perfect job.
SIGN    ["The Preview Section in JUMP is Always Unreliable"]
[03:00] Zenzo
    My hemorrhoids!
[03:02] Gintoki
    What? Not again?
[03:03] Gintoki
    What's with this scooter? Are people drawn to it?
[03:06] Zenzo
    You again?! Who the hell are you?!
[03:09] ---
    What have you got against my butthole?!
[03:11] Gintoki
    Nothing. But it seems like my scooter got sucked into your anus.
[03:15] Zenzo
    Quit talking about my butthole like it's some parking stall!
[03:17] Zenzo
    Oh damn, my delivery!
[03:20] Zenzo
    I don't have time for this!
[03:22] Gintoki
    Huh? Hey!!
[03:25] Zenzo (M)
    Will I make it in time?!
[03:29] Zenzo
    Excuse me! I have a delivery from Nin Nin Pizza!
[03:36] Okuni
    My nanny will find out. Be quiet.
[03:39] Zenzo
    Umm... I'm delivering a pizza.
[03:45] Okuni
    That's JUMP.
[03:49] Zenzo
    Why that jerk!!
[03:51] ---
    I'm sorry, I'll get it back right away...
[03:55] Okuni
    Never mind. I've wanted to read this week's issue anyway.
[03:59] Okuni
    Thank you.
[04:04] Okuni
    By the way,
[04:07] Okuni
    your buttocks will suffer a great misfortune.
[04:10] Okuni
    Be careful.
[04:12] Zenzo
    What?
[04:15] Gintoki
    Hey! Gimme back my JUMP!
[04:18] Zenzo
    What the hell do you want? Really? What is it?!
[04:21] Gintoki
    I carried your pizza all the way over here and that's all you have to say to me?!
[04:24] Zenzo
    Why're you eating it?!
[04:26] Gintoki
    You're mistaken.
[04:27] Gintoki
    It's like the pizza wants to be sucked into my mouth...
[04:31] Zenzo
    You're the one sucking it up!
[04:33] Gintoki
    No, I'm not. Man, it's like it wants to melt in my mouth...
[04:36] Zenzo
    Your brain is what's melting!
[04:39] Zenzo (M)
    Damn it, there's not a decent samurai around!
[04:43] Zenzo (M)
    You hear all kinds of noble talk about Bushido and "the way of the samurai",
[04:46] Zenzo (M)
    but when you actually meet one, whatever good impressions you had go down the crapper.
[04:50] Zenzo (M)
    It's like when that jerk Jaian does something good, he seems like a fantastic guy.
SIGN    [Note: He's referring to the characters, Jaian (a bad guy) and Shizuka (a good guy), in Doraemon]
[04:54] Zenzo (M)
    But when sweet Shizuka-chan does something bad, she seems awful.
[04:59] Zenzo (M)
    In the Shinobi world,
[05:01] Zenzo (M)
    this is called "The Truth Behind Jaian Looking Like a Nice Guy in the Movie Version."
SIGN    [Note: This refers to Jaian in Doraemon. In the TV series, Jaian is always the antagonist, but he shows a redeeming side in the movie.]
[05:05] Saizo
    How are you faring, Zenzo?
[05:08] Zenzo
    Piece of cake. An easy target. I can get in from anywhere.
[05:12] Zenzo
    If you like, I can even infiltrate it tonight.
[05:16] Saizo
    No wonder your alias is "Marishiten." You are truly a Shinobi among Shinobi,
SIGN    [Note: Marishiten is a Buddhist deity. A patron goddess of warriors.]
[05:20] ---
    I was right to recruit you.
[05:22] Zenzo
    And? Just who is that kid, Saizo?
[05:28] Saizo
    Okuni the Clairvoyant.
[05:31] Saizo
    At a tender age, she mastered
[05:33] Saizo
    various arts of divination including Yin-Yang fortune-telling and I-Ching.
SIGN    [Note: I-Ching is an ancient Chinese cosmology/philosophy tome that describes a system to identify order in the chaos of random events.]
[05:37] Saizo
    She has predicted the occurrence of many events.
[05:40] Saizo
    A shrine maiden prodigy.
[05:48] Okuni
    Get rid of Ravedoor stocks!
SIGN    [Note: Refers to Livedoor, a Tokyo internet service provider that was charged with securities fraud.]
[05:50] ---
    Poriemon will be arrested in a few days!
SIGN    [Note: Refers to Livedoor, a Tokyo internet service provider that was charged with securities fraud.] [Note: Livedoor was founded by Takafumi Horie, nicknamed Horiemon.]
[05:53] Vip
    I understand. Thank you, Okuni-sama!
[05:57] ---
    This is just a token of my appreciation.
[06:01] Saizo
    She is a tree upon which gold grows.
[06:02] Saizo
    We have great use for her. And my new master is quite taken by her.
[06:09] Zenzo
    A kidnapping, eh? We Oniwabanshu have fallen quite low.
[06:13] Saizo
    But only we are capable of pulling this off.
[06:16] Saizo
    Kidnapping someone who can foresee such a scheme.
[06:21] Saizo
    Aren't you tempted to try it, Zenzo?
[06:26] Saizo
    Here is an advance.
[06:27] Saizo
    The remainder will be paid upon completion of the job.
[06:33] Zenzo
    Huh? This is Porraginol.
SIGN    [Note: Refers to Borraginol; a brand name for hemorrhoid cream.]
[06:36] Zenzo
    I know I asked for Porraginol. But this one's the cream!
[06:40] Zenzo
    I asked for the suppositories! And hey, this one's all used up!
[06:47] Zenzo (M)
    Really, even Shinobi are jerks.
[06:51] Zenzo (M)
    After living in the regular world away from the secluded world of the Shinobi for so long...
[06:54] Zenzo (M)
    I'm painfully aware of just how terrible the Shinobi world was.
[07:01] Zenzo (M)
    It's like watching the TV version of Jaian after you've already seen the movie version.
[07:05] ---
    In the Shinobi world,
[07:08] ---
    this is called the "You're Back to Your Old Ways Jaian,
[07:09] ---
    But I Won't Forget How You Were in the Movie" phenomenon.
[07:14] Okuni
    I've been expecting you.
[07:17] Zenzo
    You're an interesting kid. I guess you really can predict everything.
[07:21] Okuni
    What's so interesting about that?
[07:24] Okuni
    There's no fun to life when you can see the future.
[07:27] Zenzo
    You knew I was coming yet you didn't run away.
[07:30] Zenzo
    Is that because you knew I didn't intend to do anything today?
[07:34] Okuni
    This week's issue!
[07:38] Zenzo
    Sorry about the pizza the other night.
[07:41] Zenzo
    I'm very commited when it comes to completing a job.
SIGN    [Note: The manga panels were drawn by Koji Ohishi, author of Maison de Penguin.]
[07:47] Okuni
    How strange.
[07:50] Okuni
    I have the power of divination and can foresee many things.
[07:53] Okuni
    But I cannot predict what will be in the next issue of JUMP.
[07:56] Zenzo
    Oh, really?
[07:58] Okuni
    I didn't foresee this. I didn't see that Maison de Penguin would end.
SIGN    [Note: A manga serialized in SHONEN JUMP.]
[08:03] Zenzo
    Is that what you meant?
[08:04] Okuni
    This is so much fun.
[08:06] Okuni
    Say, can you bring me another one next time?
[08:09] Okuni
    I'm rarely allowed to go out, so I can't go buy it.
[08:14] Zenzo
    The next time I come, it will be to kidnap you.
[08:21] Okuni
    Let's see. I'd like a Shojo manga next time.
SIGN    [Note: Shojo manga is manga created for the young girl audience.]
[08:24] Okuni
    Shojo manga have been pretty extreme lately, so the nannies only let me read JUMP.
[08:30] Zenzo
    You're not gonna run away?
[08:32] Okuni
    It's useless to run away, right?
[08:34] Okuni
    I don't need clairvoyance to see what's coming next.
[08:37] Okuni
    To see what lies in my future.
[08:41] Okuni
    No matter where I go, I cannot escape.
[08:43] ---
    I've grown accustomed to being used, as well as foreseeing it.
[08:47] ---
    Wherever I go, the same future awaits me.
[08:53] Okuni
    This power...I wish I never had it.
[09:00] Nanny1
    Okuni-sama!
[09:01] Nanny1
    Okuni-sama!
[09:02] Okuni
    Oh, it's my nannies. You'd better go.
[09:06] Okuni
    It'll be troublesome if they see you.
[09:07] Zenzo
    Yeah, all right. Thanks.
[09:10] Okuni
    Oh wait...
[09:12] Okuni
    It's a promise. Next time bring me a Shojo manga.
[09:23] Nanny1
    And so, I've been sensing an unknown shadow near Okuni-sama lately.
[09:30] Nanny2
    I think it's highly unlikely, but there's a possibility that it's an assassin.
[09:34] Shinpachi
    And you want to hire the Odd Jobs as her bodyguards?
[09:38] Nanny1
    Precisely.
[09:39] Gintoki
    Sure, if you're gonna pay us,
[09:42] Gintoki
    we'll do anything whether it's babysitting a kid or taking care of the elderly.
[09:47] Gintoki
    But just who is this Okuni-sama?
[09:50] Nanny2
    Okuni-sama is a special child who can foresee the future.
[09:54] Kagura
    Seriously?
[09:55] Shinpachi
    She can predict the future? Then let's ask her to foretell our future!
[10:00] Nanny1
    We just want you to guard her!
[10:02] Okuni
    I do not need to be protected!
[10:06] Nanny
    Okuni-sama!
[10:08] Nanny2
    How can you say you don't need any protection?!
[10:10] Nanny1
    We are only thinking of your safety!
[10:13] Shinpachi
    She's...?
[10:14] Kagura
    She's still so young. She's probably never even fallen in love.
[10:17] Gintoki
    Neither have you.
[10:20] Okuni
    Misfortune will befall them if they get involved with me.
[10:24] Nanny1
    What are you saying?!
[10:26] Nanny2
    Now hurry and return to your room.
[10:28] Gintoki
    Hold it!
[10:30] Gintoki
    If you can really foretell the future, predict something right now!
[10:34] Okuni
    You are right. You there, with the glasses, watch your head.
[10:39] Shinpachi
    Huh? Me?
[10:40] Kagura
    Whoa!!
[10:42] Kagura/Gintoki
    She was right!
[10:43] Shinpachi
    What was that?! You just hit me because of what she said, didn't you, Kagura?!
[10:46] Gintoki
    I'm serious this time.
[10:48] Gintoki
    Okuni-sama, what must I do to acquire hoards of money?
[10:53] Okuni
    Do not worry. You will get it immediately.
[10:55] Gintoki
    Immediately...?
[10:57] Nanny2
    Stop your foolishness!
[10:59] Nanny2
    And start guarding Okuni-sama 24 hours a day!
[11:03] Nanny1
    Here...
[11:04] Nanny1
    For your services.
[11:07] Gintoki/Kagura
    No kidding!
[11:08] Okuni
    Remember that I told you.
[11:12] Okuni
    Nothing good comes from getting close to me!
[11:16] Shinpachi
    Oh, sorry.
[11:17] Okuni
    You're too close to me!
[11:19] Gintoki
    No, since we don't know what might happen.
[11:21] Shinpachi
    We will protect you wherever you go!
[11:24] Okuni
    I'm going to the toilet. Let me at least go there alone!
[11:27] Gintoki
    Okuni-sama is heading for the toilet. Over!
[11:30] Shinpachi
    Roger! She will arrive at the toilet in twenty seconds. Over!
[11:34] Okuni
    Meaningless dispatches. This is so unnecessary.
[11:37] Shinpachi
    Okuni-sama just made a retort. Over.
[11:39] Gintoki
    Roger. She will look exasperated from now on. Over.
[11:42] Okuni
    It's not necessary to report every little thing.
[11:44] Gintoki
    Before she could look exasperated, she made another retort. Over.
[11:46] Okuni
    Goodness, I can't endure this!
[11:51] Kagura
    All green. Please make your way to the toilet.
[11:54] Okuni
    What kind of trap can be set in a toilet?
[11:57] Gintoki
    Well, just when you're relieved, it goes kaboom.
[11:59] Kagura
    And when you do a number two, it goes kaboom once again!
[12:02] Okuni
    No, a little girl would never go kaboom.
[12:05] Kagura
    How about bakyuun then?
[12:06] Okuni
    What kind of doo-doo is that?!
[12:08] Okuni
    Oh no, you've made me say "doo-doo"!
[12:13] Nanny1
    Okuni-sama, your dinner is ready.
[12:19] Nanny2
    Please eat your fill.
[12:21] Nanny1 And 2
    Not you three!!
[12:23] Gintoki
    No, we're just testing it for poison! This is part of our job.
[12:26] Shinpachi
    He's right! We're just taste-testing it, that's all!
[12:28] Kagura
    Seconds on this!
[12:29] Nanny1
    You're eating it all up!
[12:30] Nanny2
    And you're asking for seconds!
[12:31] Gintoki
    What're you saying?! The poison might not be limited to what's here!
[12:34] Nanny1
    Don't use soy sauce!
[12:35] Nanny2
    It's an insult to the chef!
[12:36] Gintoki
    Who cares about the chef?! The taste is too bland, stupid!
[12:39] Gintoki
    A deep-fried dish without soy sauce on it is like
[12:41] Gintoki
    Machiko Sensei without her skirt flipping up, stupid!
SIGN    [Note: Machiko Sensei is an anime about a young, pretty teacher who wears a red mini-skirt; with lots of panty shots.]
[12:43] Nanny1
    Times have changed, idiot!
[12:44] Nanny2
    Consider what it would mean for the TV station, you idiot!
[12:46] Gintoki
    What's wrong with panties?! We've done our share of revealing too!
[12:49] Nanny1
    What are you talking about?!
[13:01] Saizo
    Zenzo, you must've left a scent behind. Now that kid has bodyguards.
[13:07] Saizo
    Humph, not to worry. We're proceeding tonight, as scheduled.
[13:42] Kagura
    Gin-chan, I'm so sleepy.
[13:45] Shinpachi
    Too bad, Kagura-chan. This is work.
[13:48] Shinpachi
    Still...
[13:50] Shinpachi
    That girl reads the same issue of JUMP over and over again.
[13:53] Gintoki
    Listen, Shinpachi...
[13:56] Gintoki
    JUMP is a magazine you must read over and over again...
[14:00] Gintoki
    because you can't control yourself.
[14:02] Kagura
    No kidding?
[14:03] Kagura
    That's just like grown-up love where you have a wife,
[14:05] Kagura
    but keep meeting your lover over and over again.
[14:08] Shinpachi
    No. That's Shonen JUMP, so it's totally different from grown-up love.
[14:13] Gintoki
    Well, it can't be much fun reading it when you already know the ending.
[14:18] Gintoki
    Still, for some unknown reason, it's fun.
[14:22] Gintoki
    That's why it's easy to read it over and over again.
[14:26] Gintoki
    It's like doing bad on a test, but you can't wait until you get the test back.
[14:30] Gintoki
    You know...like when you mess up a math problem,
[14:33] Gintoki
    but wonder if maybe you got it right, after all.
[14:36] ---
    Huh? Maybe that's not right.
[14:42] Gintoki
    Hey, don't go to sleep.
[14:44] Okuni
    I understand.
[14:45] Gintoki
    Huh? You agree?
[14:47] Gintoki
    I mean the teacher might have made a mistake while grading.
[14:49] Okuni
    Even if I know how things end, if I can enjoy the journey there, I should be happy.
[14:56] Gintoki
    Oh, that's what you meant?
[14:57] Okuni
    And besides, manga endings are always pretty obvious.
[15:01] Okuni
    Sort of like "our battle is just beginning."
[15:05] ---
    It's never the way I hope it would end.
[15:08] Okuni
    However, that doesn't make me sad. It's just like living.
[15:13] Gintoki
    Living, eh?
[15:19] Gintoki
    You're right. Manga endings might always be the same.
[15:23] Okuni
    Don't you agree?
[15:24] Gintoki
    However...
[15:26] Gintoki
    When it comes to life, neither you nor I are mere readers. We're the writers.
[15:33] Gintoki
    We can change...
[15:34] Gintoki
    the ending.
[15:44] Zenzo (M)
    Crap, I'm such a worthless guy.
[15:48] Okuni
    This power...I wish I never had it.
[15:53] Zenzo (M)
    It's not that I don't think it's tragic.
[15:55] Zenzo (M)
    It's not as though I don't want to help her.
[16:00] Zenzo (M)
    However, when my body moves faster than my thoughts...
[16:06] Zenzo (M)
    When my emotions disappear...
[16:08] Zenzo (M)
    and my body becomes a mere tool with which to carry out a job...
[16:16] Zenzo
    When my body melds into the darkness...
[16:21] Zenzo
    I feel truly alive.
[16:32] Zenzo
    I am a cat to the core.
[16:36] Ninja A
    Impressive.
[16:38] Ninja A
    No wonder he was once the leader of the Oniwabanshu.
[16:40] Ninja A
    He singlehandedly took control of the mansion.
[16:43] Ninja B
    There's no need for us to get involved.
[16:47] Saizo
    No...
[16:50] Nanny1 / 2
    Okuni-sama!
[16:51] Nanny1
    Intruders in the mansion!
[16:53] Okuni
    I know.
[16:54] Shinpachi
    Huh?!
[16:55] Shinpachi
    Gin-san!
[16:56] Gintoki
    No problem. If they come here, we'll fight them.
[17:00] ---
    Newspapermen or dairymen, we'll take care of them.
[17:03] Ninja A
    Oh... You're very confident.
[17:10] Gintoki
    Hey, hey, what brings you here at this hour?!
[17:13] Gintoki
    Are you laundry men?
[17:14] ---
    Want me to call you Ken-chan?
SIGN    [Note: Refers to the "Kato-chan Ken-chan Gokigen TV" which featured funny home videos similar to America's Funniest Home Videos.]
[17:15] Ninja A
    That girl is Okuni the Clairvoyant. She is coming with us!
[17:21] Nanny1 / 2
    Okuni-sama!
[17:22] Gintoki
    Huh? You came to collect her? So you just barge into someone's house like this?
[17:26] Gintoki
    I didn't pay.
SIGN    [Note: Refers to NHK - national television station bill collectors who make home visits to collect fees.]
[17:28] Gintoki
    But I don't watch your programs.
[17:29] Ninja A
    If you won't listen, then we'll just use force. Get them!
[18:07] Okuni
    Take me where you will. I'm prepared.
[18:11] Zenzo
    First, I want to ask you a question.
[18:17] Zenzo
    Your power of clairvoyance... I want you to foretell something for me.
[18:22] Ninja B
    There!!
[18:23] Ninja B
    Zenzo-dono, she is the clairvoyant...
[18:28] Ninja B
    What...is this?!
[18:29] Zenzo
    What are the odds of me winning if I betray those guys and come over to your side?
[18:36] Okuni
    St...
[18:38] Okuni
    Stop. Or you'll die!!
[18:42] Zenzo
    Sounds good. That'll make fighting them more worthwhile.
[18:46] Ninja C
    You traitor!
[18:53] Okuni
    Never mind me. Make your escape!
[18:56] Zenzo
    Escape? Where? Are there some things you can't see?
[19:03] Saizo
    Zenzo, you haven't changed at all.
[19:07] Saizo
    You are a pitiful man who cannot live unless it's amidst death.
[19:12] Saizo
    I know what you're like.
[19:14] Saizo
    And I know to be cautious when dealing with an extremely sharp sword.
[19:21] Zenzo
    Sorry, Saizo. Cats are fickle creatures.
[19:25] Saizo
    Zenzo, you're not a cat. You're a cat monster!
[19:31] Saizo
    As expected from someone who injects medicine up his butt everyday.
[19:34] Zenzo
    Your aim is perfect.
[19:36] Saizo
    I don't inject it! I use suppositories!
[19:39] Zenzo
    Whatever, whether it swells or bursts, you still have hemorrhoids!
[19:42] Zenzo
    And depending on the location and condition, the pain and the treatment differ, you idiot!
[19:48] Zenzo
    Besides, what're we talking about?!
[19:52] Saizo
    I know you've suffered a lot from the pain of hemorrhoids. Of course, you know the treatment!
[19:56] Zenzo
    Is that all I am to you?! Hemorrhoids?!
[20:00] Saizo
    Damn right!
[20:02] Saizo
    Did you see that? Our attack will surge forth upon you like an overflowing toilet.
[20:06] Zenzo
    Get away from my ass!
[20:16] Saizo
    This is it, Zenzo.
[20:20] Okuni
    Ah...
[20:21] Saizo
    Give it up. You can't change this ending.
[20:26] Gintoki
    When it comes to life, neither you nor I are mere readers. We're the writers.
[20:32] ---
    We can change the ending.
[20:36] Zenzo
    I don't know about that.
[20:38] Zenzo
    However, I'm happy if the action is hot like in JUMP.
[20:43] Saizo
    You fool! Pray that the netherworld has bidets!
[21:10] Okuni
    You idiot...
[21:13] Okuni
    I told you...
[21:16] Okuni
    You can't change what I see... There's no ending you can change!
[21:22] Zenzo
    There is.
[21:28] Saizo
    Wha... N-No way...
[21:33] Okuni
    ...H-How...?
[21:36] Zenzo
    Sorry. It got cut.
[21:41] Zenzo
    You won't be able to read it anymore.
SIGN    [Note: This manga, Ribbon, is a very famous Shojo manga magazine.]
[22:14] Zenzo (M)
    I'll say it over and over again. A Shinobi is a cat.
[22:19] Zenzo (M)
    As long as he's fed, he'll follow anyone.
[22:22] Zenzo (M)
    And he'll do rotten things without a care in the world.
[22:24] ---
    Some may say we've sold out our honor.
[22:28] ---
    But we adhere to certain rules others can't understand.
[22:39] Zenzo (M)
    And so, the cat will be out on the prowl again tonight.
SIGN    
SIGN    What? An undercover report on Zura?!
[24:18] Gintoki
    How dare you leave me, the star, out of this?!
[24:22] ---
    Fine, I'm not an Announcer Hananoana fan anyway. I'm a Ketsuunoana fan.
SIGN    [Note: Word play on ketsunoana (the female announcer) which means asshole.]
[24:25] Gintoki
    The next episode... "Eating Nmaibo Can Make You Full in No Time!"
SIGN    [Note: Spoof of Japanese snack "Umai Bo." A popular stick snack that comes in many different flavors.]
SIGN    [Huh? Isn't Katsura growing his hair really fast? Some people think he's wearing a wig.]
SIGN    [You'll lose your hair if you keep worrying about small things like that. By the way, his nickname is Zura, not Tsura.]
SIGN