E256.C - Gintama Classic - Within Each Box of Cigarettes, Are One or Two Cigarettes That Smell Like Horse Dung

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:02] OKITA
    Smoking increases a person's risk of
    developing pulmonary emphysema.
[00:07] OKITA
    In addition, smoking by minors
[00:10] OKITA
    is forbidden because it leads to severe
    health issues and nicotine addiction.
[00:16] OKITA
    Never smoke, even if asked to by others.
[00:23] ---
    ...Do you understand?
[01:55] OKITA
    10 votes in favor, versus 1 against.
[01:58] OKITA
    Everyone except Hijikata-san voted
    in favor, so this bill is approved.
[02:03] OKITA
    The Shinsengumi headquarters
[02:05] OKITA
    will no longer allow smoking
    in all areas starting today.
[02:07] HIJIKATA
    H-Hey, the whole headquarters
    is going too far.
[02:10] HIJIKATA
    It's like you're purposely keeping
    smokers out of here.
[02:14] HIJIKATA
    At least make arrangements for
    a designated smoking area.
[02:17] OKITA
    What are you saying, Hijikata-san?
[02:20] OKITA
    Smoking is worse than athlete's foot.
[02:23] OKITA
    Even though it's not prohibited by
    law, nicotine is actually a drug.
[02:27] OKITA
    A drug!
[02:28] OKITA
    Everyday, you inhale and
    exhale, inhale and exhale,
[02:31] OKITA
    you become addicted.
[02:33] HIJIKATA
    So, what's wrong with that?
[02:34] OKITA
    Even if this is a personal matter for you,
[02:36] OKITA
    you can't run with this line of argument.
[02:39] OKITA
    Anyone near a smoker is forced to
    become second-hand smokers.
[02:44] HIJIKATA
    But... But...
[02:47] OKITA
    You're Vice-Chief of the Shinsengumi.
[02:50] OKITA
    Please think about the other
    people around you.
[02:53] OKITA
    If a Vice-Chief can't even quit smoking
    or halt a nicotine addition,
[02:56] OKITA
    it sets a bad example for everyone else.
[03:03] HIJIKATA
    H-Hey, Harada. You sometimes
    smoke, don't you?
[03:07] HIJIKATA
    Are you all right with this smoking ban?
[03:09] HARADA
    Yeah...I completely quit smoking,
    so it doesn't matter to me.
[03:17] OKITA
    It's already been decided.
[03:22] UNIT MEMBER
    Man, even with Okita-san's proposal,
    that was a productive meeting.
[03:26] UNIT MEMBER
    Yeah. Speaking of smokers,
    Vice-Chief was the only one.
[03:31] HARADA
    It was so smoky and awful in there.
[03:33] HARADA
    My clothes are covered in
    that stinky smoke odor.
[03:35] UNIT MEMBER
    Any person who practices a martial
    art knows smoking is unhealthy.
SIGN    ["Within Each Box of Cigarettes, Are One or Two Cigarettes That Smell Like Horse Dung"]
[03:50] HIJIKATA
    ...gimme a break.
[03:54] HIJIKATA
    Is he seriously intending to keep
    me out of the Shinsengumi?
[03:57] HIJIKATA
    Damn it. I might as well inhale as much
    nicotine as possible while I'm outside.
SIGN    [Smoking on the street is prohibited.]
SIGN    [BATTLE ROYAL HOST]
[04:25] HIJIKATA
    Ah, excuse me.
[04:26] ---
    Do you have an ashtray?
[04:29] CLERK A
    I'm sorry. This restaurant prohibits
    smoking in the whole facility.
[04:39] HIJIKATA
    What's with this city?
[04:42] HIJIKATA
    Signs everywhere say "No
    Smoking," "No Smoking."
[04:45] CLERK
    I'm sorry, but smoking
    isn't allowed in here.
[04:50] OLD LADY
    Hey! Your cigarette!
[04:52] CLERK C
    Cigarettes are...
[05:02] WOMAN A
    Oh, no! What's he doing?!
[05:04] WOMAN B
    Don't stare.
[05:08] HIJIKATA
    Let me smoke!
[05:12] HIJIKATA
    Damn it.
[05:13] HIJIKATA
    I didn't even notice but
    now I can see there's
[05:16] HIJIKATA
    no places for us smokers to go anymore.
[05:18] HIJIKATA
    I want to smoke even more
    when I'm told not to.
[05:21] HIJIKATA
    It's hopeless. I can't stand it anymore.
    In this situation... I... I...
SIGN    [SMOKING AREA]
[05:36] HIJIKATA
    That's it!
[05:40] HIJIKATA (M)
    I found it! I finally found an oasis!
[05:46] KUSANO
    Here's our next story.
[05:47] KUSANO
    The universal environment
    conservation meeting
[05:50] KUSANO
    will be held one week from today.
[05:54] KUSANO
    It'll talk about environment-related
    issues in the whole universe.
[05:59] ---
    And the Bakufu is taking this opportunity
    to ask the nation to start thinking about
[06:01] ---
    the environment as it launches the micro-environmental
    protection campaign for one week from today.
[06:06] MATSUDAIRA
    Let's put aside the big problems of ozone
    depletion and global warming.
[06:13] MATSUDAIRA
    It's important for each person
    to do their own part,
[06:16] MATSUDAIRA
    no matter how small, to
    help the environment.
[06:20] MATSUDAIRA
    All your small efforts will start to pile up
    into one big push to save the earth.
[06:25] MATSUDAIRA
    Yeah, right...
[06:27] MATSUDAIRA
    What this old man is trying to say is, before
    you go saving the huge Earth...
[06:31] MATSUDAIRA
    ...you should first save yourself.
[06:33] MATSUDAIRA
    Someone who can't even save himself
    won't be able to save the earth.
[06:38] MATSUDAIRA
    Someone who can't even save himself
    and is disliked by his daughter...
[06:45] MATSUDAIRA
    ...won't be able to save the earth.
[06:49] MATSUDAIRA
    Well, we'll explore all of
    that a week from today.
[06:52] MATSUDAIRA
    All of Edo...
[06:54] MATSUDAIRA
    ...will assist in helping implement
    the smoking ban.
[06:59] KUSANO
    We repeat.
[07:01] KUSANO
    Currently, an emergency smoking ban
    is in effect throughout all of Edo.
[07:06] ---
    Smokers are asked to please throw
    away all cigarettes immediately.
[07:10] HIJIKATA
    Ci...Ciga...rette...
[07:10] KUSANO
    Also, please never approach cigarette
    vending machines or smoking areas.
[07:16] KUSANO
    It'll lead to sever punishment.
    We repeat...
[07:29] PASSENGER
    Are you taking a trip through
    the universe, too?
[07:32] PASSENGER
    Man, times are sure changing.
[07:35] PASSENGER
    I never thought we'd see the day when
    we could travel between planets.
[07:41] PASSENGER
    So, which planet are you going to?
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Planet Namek from Dragon Ball.]
[07:44] HIJIKATA…
    Planet Hamek.
[07:45] PASSENGER
    Planet Hamek? There's nothing
    to see in that countryside.
[07:49] PASSENGER
    It's nothing but tobacco fields.
    Why are you going there?
[07:53] HIJIKATA
    ...Naturally...
[07:55] HIJIKATA
    ...to smoke some cigarettes!
[07:58] HIJIKATA
    Don't underestimate a smoker.
SIGN    [Note: Cigarette images were removed from GinTama manga vol.8 and vol.16 covers.]
[08:00] HIJIKATA
    They claimed the cigarette was edited
    out of the manga cover because
[08:03] HIJIKATA
    I looked like a high
    school student smoking.
[08:05] HIJIKATA
    They also said it was never a good
    idea to show smokers on the cover.
[08:08] HIJIKATA
    And they ended up not using
    someone smoking.
[08:11] HIJIKATA
    And we deceptively said it was a pocky chocolate
    snack when it was really a cigarette,
[08:13] HIJIKATA
    or else we'd be forced to give up airing the
    show in prime time in North America,
[08:16] HIJIKATA
    or be stuck with an R rating.
[08:19] HIJIKATA
    And yet I still haven't given up smoking!
[08:22] HIJIKATA
    Once the smoking ban starts,
    I'll smoke outside Earth!
[08:26] HIJIKATA
    If cigarettes run out, I'll even
    travel to their place of origin!
[08:30] ---
    Don't underestimate a smoker!
[08:36] MINISTER
    I see, I see.
[08:38] MINISTER
    I'm so glad to hear that
    you came all the way to
[08:40] MINISTER
    Planet Hamek to smoke our cigarettes.
[08:46] MINISTER
    Unfortunately, this planet
    has been turned into
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Frieza from Dragon Ball.]
[08:51] MINISTER
    a scorched field by the evil
    emperor, Breeza.
[08:56] MINISTER
    So cigarettes are no longer...
[09:04] MINISTER
    This is the last one.
[09:10] ---
    Is that all right? Just one...?
[09:15] DELDE
    Stop it, Grandpa!
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Dende from Dragon Ball.]
[09:17] MINISTER
    Hey, Delde! Take your hands off me!
[09:20] DELDE
    That's...! That's the last
    cigarette my dad made!
[09:25] ---
    It's a memento of my dad,
    who was killed by Breeza.
[09:31] DELDE
    Dad! Dad!
[09:34] DELDE
    Dad!
[09:41] DELDE’S FATHER
    Delde!
[10:23] DELDE
    ...Da...Dad...
[10:36] DELDE
    Da...! Dad!
[10:39] DELDE
    Dad!
[11:02] DELDE
    Dad...
[11:09] DELDE
    Da... Dad's...
[11:13] MINISTER
    Shut up, Delde!
[11:14] MINISTER
    Cigarettes exist to be smoked.
[11:17] MINISTER
    Cigarettes that you can't smoke shouldn't
    even be called cigarettes at all!
[11:20] MINISTER
    What do you think would please
    your father the most?
[11:23] MINISTER
    To let the cigarette get moist in a
    drawer or let someone smoke it?
[11:33] DELDE
    Da...Dad's cigarette...
[11:36] DELDE
    ...please enjoy smoking it...
[11:47] PASSENGER
    Oh! What a coincidence!
[11:50] PASSENGER
    Well, were you able to smoke?
    Are you on your way home?
[11:55] HIJIKATA
    No.
[11:56] PASSENGER
    What? Where are you going then?
[11:59] HIJIKATA
    I'm going to defeat Breeza!
[12:01] PASSENGER
    Huh? Breeza? What? Aren't
    you going there to smoke?
[12:05] HIJIKATA
    There's no way I can smoke
    something like that!
[12:07] PASSENGER
    What?!
[12:08] HIJIKATA
    I'll kill Breeza and smoke afterwards!
[12:11] HIJIKATA
    He definitely has cigarettes.
[12:13] HIJIKATA
    Next time, I'll definitely smoke
    cigarettes, damn it!
[12:20] BREEZA
    I never suspected that
    you were against me.
[12:23] BREEZA
    But I admire your rashness.
[12:34] MASTER GAME
    Hijikata's quest to smoke
    a single cigarette started
SIGN    [Note: A parody of Master Roshi's narrations from Dragon Ball.]
[12:39] MASTER GAME
    because of the Shinsengumi's
    smoking ban.
[12:43] MASTER GAME
    The trip has been full of hardships.
[12:47] MATSUDAIRA
    Well, we'll explore all of
    that a week from today.
[12:49] MATSUDAIRA
    All of Edo will assist in helping
    implement the smoking ban.
[12:55] MASTER GAME
    But finally he heads off into the universe.
[12:59] HIJIKATA
    To smoke some cigarettes!
[13:03] MASTER GAME
    However, when he arrives
    on Planet Hamek,
[13:06] MASTER GAME
    he finds it was turned into a
    scorched field by Breeza.
[13:21] DELDE
    Da...Dad!
[13:23] ---
    Dad!
[13:27] GAME
    The young boy Delde's tears...
[13:30] GAME
    Hijikata channels his anger into power
    and he heads toward the final battle.
[13:36] HIJIKATA
    Hey! Why am I suddenly having flashbacks
    of the previous episode?
[13:38] HIJIKATA
    This isn't Dragon BLEEP!
[13:39] HIJIKATA
    It's taking too long! I'm in a hurry!
    Let's get to the main episode now!
[13:53] BREEZA
    I never suspected that
    you were against me.
[13:57] BREEZA
    But I admire your rashness.
[14:04] BREEZA
    But when you see my power, I wonder
    if you'll still have the same attitude.
[14:12] BREEZA
    Well, I'll show you.
[14:15] ---
    My full power!
[14:38] BREEZA
    How about that? You look like
    you're scared speechless.
[14:47] BREEZA
    Get ready for it.
[14:50] ---
    Here I come.
[14:57] HIJIKATA
    Hey, give me a cigarette.
[14:59] HIJIKATA
    I know you have some.
[15:00] HIJIKATA
    You destroyed Planet Hamek,
    didn't you? Where are they?
[15:04] BREEZA
    I, Breeza-sama, was knocked down
    by a monkey like you.
[15:08] BREEZA
    It can't be...you're a legendary
    Super Earthling.
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Super Saiyan from Dragon Ball.]
[15:11] HIJIKATA
    Shut up, already. Just
    give me a cigarette.
[15:13] HIJIKATA
    I'm grumpy now thanks
    to nicotine withdraw.
[15:16] BREEZA
    You're the Super Earthling
    who woke up irritated.
[15:20] BREEZA
    Don't tell me you're the
    son of that Earthling
[15:23] BREEZA
    who was the only one to
    challenge me back then?
[15:26] HIJIKATA
    Huh, who's this? I don't
    look nothing like him.
[15:28] HIJIKATA
    You're totally wrong.
[15:30] BREEZA
    Can it be that you're searching
    for the same thing I was?
[15:34] HIJIKATA
    Huh?
[15:35] BREEZA
    Whatever. I praise you for defeating me,
[15:38] BREEZA
    the emperor of the universe,
    so I will give you this.
[15:41] BREEZA
    Here, take it.
[15:43] HIJIKATA
    That's not what I asked for!
[15:44] HIJIKATA
    I said, give me some cigarettes!
[15:46] HIJIKATA
    What's this ball? It's so disgusting!
[15:49] BREEZA
    It's an Ooey-gooey ball.
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Dragon Ball from Dragon Ball.]
[15:51] BREEZA
    When you collect all seven of those balls,
[15:53] BREEZA
    the Ooey-gooey dragon will appear
[15:54] BREEZA
    and make everything you want
    turn Ooey-gooey.
[15:57] BREEZA
    It's a really mysterious ball.
[15:58] HIJIKATA
    Why Ooey-gooey? I think
    you're lying to me!
[16:02] BREEZA
    If there's anything you
    want but can't find,
[16:05] BREEZA
    you should collect six more balls
    and have your wishes granted.
[16:10] HIJIKATA
    Hey! Why are you making that kind
    of face made by the super villain
[16:14] HIJIKATA
    right before he dies in the big scene
    at the end of the episode?
[16:16] ---
    Anyway, why do I have to do all
    of this just to get a cigarette?!
[16:20] HIJIKATA
    Give me a break.
[16:22] HIJIKATA
    It'll be a lot faster if I just
    go to another planet
[16:24] HIJIKATA
    and buy a pack of cigarettes
    at a vending machine.
[16:26] HIJIKATA
    That's right. I should've done
    that earlier. I'll go do that.
[16:32] KOBAYASHI
    Grillin! Open your eyes, Grillin!
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Krillin & Goku from Dragon Ball.]
[16:35] KOBAYASHI
    Damn it! If only I had
    all the Ooey-gooey balls!
[16:40] KOBAYASHI
    Grillin!
[16:45] PASSENGER
    ...Hey, what are you doing?
[16:49] HIJIKATA
    I'm trying to revive Grillin.
[16:52] PASSENGER
    Who the heck is Grillin?!
[16:54] PASSENGER
    You came to smoke some
    cigarettes, right?
[16:55] PASSENGER
    And who's that sitting right next to you?!
[16:57] KOBAYASHI
    Yo! I'm Kobayashi! I'm so excited!
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Goku and Yamcha from Dragon Ball.]
[17:00] PASSENGER
    Kobayashi?! I'm not excited
    about that name at all!
[17:02] PASSENGER
    You're Bulma's ex-boyfriend,
    aren't you?
SIGN    [Note: Refers to Bulma from Dragon Ball. She dated Yamcha in the series.]
[17:04] HIJIKATA
    Shut up!
[17:06] HIJIKATA
    You know, Grillin might
    have some cigarettes!
[17:10] HIJIKATA
    I'll definitely smoke next time, damn it!
[17:17] CELO
    I'm Celo!
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Cell from Dragon Ball.]
[17:20] HIJIKATA
    That's enough! You're so persistent.
[17:22] HIJIKATA
    I know it's going to take a long time.
[17:23] HIJIKATA
    I get bored easy. Hey, just give me
    some balls. You have some, right?
[17:29] CELO
    Why? Why does he have
    so much power?
[17:31] HIJIKATA
    Shut up!
[17:32] HIJIKATA
    Hurry up and give me some balls so I can
    revive Grillin and smoke a cigarette.
[17:36] CELO
    I can't believe I lost after taking
    cells from the Super Earthling...
[17:41] HIJIKATA
    Who is this guy? What's with the
    scouter rip-off? It pisses me off!
SIGN    [Note: Parody of the scouter device from Dragon Ball.]
[17:46] CELO
    You defeated me, the perfect form, after
    I took in every cell and powered up.
[17:52] CELO
    Your attack deserves to be rewarded.
[17:56] CELO
    As you wish, I'll give you my balls.
[18:03] CELO
    Take these.
[18:04] HIJIKATA
    You hid these in there?!
    They're disgusting and dirty!
[18:09] CELO
    Use these balls to summon the dragon
    and make a wish for me.
[18:16] CELO
    My wish is
[18:18] ---
    "To graduate from being a virgin..."
[18:21] HIJIKATA
    Why are you making it sound like
    I'm helping you grant your wish?!
[18:24] HIJIKATA
    And why did you make
    such a useless wish?!
[18:28] HIJIKATA
    Anyway, now that I've collected
    all seven balls.
[18:31] HIJIKATA
    Hurry up and revive Grillin
    so I can smoke a cigarette!
[18:34] KOBAYASHI
    What's this? Can I eat this?
[18:36] HIJIKATA
    There's no way you can eat that disgusting
    thing! What about Grillin?
[18:41] KOBAYASHI
    Oh, that's right!
[18:42] HIJIKATA
    Hurry up and summon the dragon
    so it can revive Grillin!
[18:46] HIJIKATA/KOBAYASHI
    Come out Ooey-gooey Dragon!
    Please make my wish come true!
[18:53] HIJIKATA
    ...Huh?
[18:54] HIJIKATA
    Nothing happened. There're seven
    balls all together. What's going on?
[19:00] KOBAYASHI
    Oh? Taking a closer look, this one
    isn't an Ooey-gooey ball at all!
[19:03] HIJIKATA
    What?
[19:04] KOBAYASHI
    The other six balls are real Ooey-gooey
    balls. But this one is...
[19:10] KOBAYASHI
    ...a Sticky-icky ball!
[19:11] HIJIKATA
    It's pretty much the same!
[19:13] HIJIKATA
    What's the difference between
    that and an Ooey-gooey ball?!
[19:15] KOBAYASHI
    Yo. It's a Sticky-icky ball!
[19:17] HIJIKATA
    That's just a technicality!
[19:21] HIJIKATA
    See?! Something is coming out!
[19:23] HIJIKATA
    They're all Ooey-gooey balls, after all.
[19:34] NUMELON
    Great job in collecting all
    the Slimy-grimy balls.
[19:37] HIJIKATA
    It's not Ooey-gooey, nor Sticky-icky!
[19:40] HIJIKATA
    That's the least of our problems.
    Hey, hurry up and save Grillin.
[19:44] KOBAYASHI
    I see. It's not Ooey-gooey.
    Then I don't care.
[19:47] HIJIKATA
    Why?! How much loyalty do
    you have for Ooey-gooey?!
[19:51] HIJIKATA
    How badly do you want to
    make Grillin Ooey-gooey?!
[19:53] HIJIKATA
    Just ask him! It doesn't matter
    if he's Slimy-grimy!
[19:57] HIJIKATA
    He's your friend, right?
[19:58] KOBAYASHI
    If it's Slimy-grimy, I prefer
    something else.
[20:00] HIJIKATA
    What do you mean, something else?
[20:06] KOBAYASHI
    Give me some gal's panties!
SIGN    [Note: A famous line from Dragon Ball when they first met Shen Long, the dragon.]
[20:08] HIJIKATA
    Hey!
[20:09] HIJIKATA
    A gal's Slimy-grimy panties?!
[20:12] HIJIKATA
    That's such a gross wish!
[20:14] HIJIKATA
    Don't request a pair of dirty panties
    and give up your friend!
[20:17] ---
    Never mind! Forget it!
[20:19] NUMELON
    Hurry up. Or the Slimy-grimy will dry up.
[20:24] HIJIKATA
    Wait! Hold on a second!
[20:26] HIJIKATA
    If I have a Slimy-grimy cigarette,
    I can't smoke it.
[20:29] HIJIKATA
    What should I wish for?
[20:31] NUMELON
    I'm about to dry up!
[20:36] HIJIKATA
    I know!
[20:38] HIJIKATA
    I'll get the last one.
[20:48] MINISTER
    You're...
[20:51] MINISTER
    Why are you here again?
[20:53] HIJIKATA
    I've changed my mind...
    I want the last cigarette.
[21:01] HIJIKATA
    I know that's an important memento
    from your dad. But...
[21:07] HIJIKATA
    ...you don't need a memento anymore
    if you have your dad back.
[21:13] DELDE
    Don't tell me... Da...
[21:17] HIJIKATA
    Yeah. It's your dad.
[21:21] DELDE
    Whose dad is he?!
[21:22] ---
    What's with this Ooey-gooey?!
[21:24] HIJIKATA
    No, it's not Ooey-gooey, it's Slimy-grimy!
[21:26] MINISTER
    There's a limit to disgracing the dead!
[21:29] HIJIKATA
    No, it's true. Even if it's
    Slimy-grimy, he's real...
[21:38] PASSENGER
    It's you again.
[21:41] PASSENGER
    Were you able to smoke
    a cigarette, after all?
[21:42] PASSENGER
    Where will you go next?
[21:46] HIJIKATA
    I've decided...
[21:50] HIJIKATA
    ...to quit smoking.
[23:28] MASTER GAME
    After Hijikata returned to earth,
[23:30] MASTER GAME
    he wasn't able to give
    up smoking, after all.
[23:34] MASTER GAME
    In order to get the legendary cigarette,
    Hijikata works hard at training.
[23:41] MASTER GAME
    And a new powerful enemy appears before him.
[23:45] MASTER GAME
    Next episode will be Ooey-gooey
    ball, episode 120.
[23:48] HIJIKATA
    Cut it out! This can't be right!
[23:51] KOBAYASHI
    Everyone! Please watch it!
SIGN    [Note: Parody of next week remark from Dragon Ball.]
[23:53] HIJIKATA
    I said, shut up!
[23:54] ---
    Huh?
SIGN    Deadline <3
[23:55] ---
    Wait, the gorilla is still
    sleeping instead of brainstorming?
[23:59] ---
    Excuse me!
[24:00] ---
    Didn't you miss your deadline?
[24:03] ---
    Hey!