E123 - "Always Keep a Screwdriver In Your Heart"

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    [Note: Playstation-like logo.]
[00:05] Narrator
    The curtain is about to rise...
[00:12] Narrator
    A spectacular battle for survival.
[00:17] Narrator
    A hunter trusts only...
[00:19] ---
    Himself.
[00:23] Narrator
    Beat them down...
[00:28] Narrator
    Or dazzle them with your technique.
[00:35] Narrator
    Monkey Hunter online!
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Monster Hunter online TV spot.]
[00:37] ---
    Risk your life to hunt them down!
[00:40] Shinpachi
    The Odd Jobs were subjected
    to alien abduction
[00:43] Shinpachi
    by mysterious aliens from
    outer space and
[00:45] Shinpachi
    had parts of their bodies modified
    into screwdrivers.
[00:47] Gintoki
    Patsuan, it's not a crime to kill
    aliens from outer space, right?
[00:53] Shinpachi
    They did it to him! They messed
    with Gin-san's analog stick!
[00:58] Shinpachi (N)
    In order to restore their bodies,
[01:00] Shinpachi (N)
    they began playing an online
    game called Monkey Hunter.
[01:05] Shinpachi (N)
    Along the way, other players
    who sought their same goal
[01:07] Shinpachi (N)
    -Katsura, Kondo, Sachan, and
    Hasegawa-joined their party.
[01:14] ---
    Finally, they closed in on players who looked
    like the aliens they were searching for...
[01:18] ---
    They revealed themselves to be...
[01:20] Senpai
    Look, I didn't say anything
    earlier, but that's enough.
[01:24] Senpai
    You guys have been sneaking
    about trying to check us out.
[01:29] Senpai
    What're you up to? Are you with them?
[01:33] Gintoki
    Huh? What're you saying?
[01:34] Senpai
    I'm asking who you people are!
[01:37] Gintoki
    You should identify yourselves first
    before asking us questions.
[01:41] Senpai
    Huh? We are...
SIGN    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Gun User
SIGN    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
[01:54] Hijikata/Okita
    We are screwdrivers.
SIGN    [Gintoki and his friends couldn't find a single clue about the alien gamers.]
SIGN    [Their fight to restore their bodies finally comes to a conclusion!]
SIGN    [JuuJuu En]
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Korean BBQ
    restaurant, JyoJyoEn.]
[03:42] Customer
    Excuse me.
[03:44] Customer
    Two orders of salted beef tongue
    and four draft beers!
[03:47] Waitress
    Coming right up!
[03:50] Waitress
    Everyone...have you decided
    on your orders?
[04:01] All
    Ten orders of Kalbi G.
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Well-done steak G from Monster Hunter. Kalbi is Korean style beef ribs.]
SIGN    ["Always Keep a Screwdriver In Your Heart"]
[04:28] Shinpachi
    Come on, everybody!
[04:29] Shinpachi
    Say something! This is
    our offline meeting.
[04:33] Gintoki
    Offline meeting? These
    are all people I know.
[04:37] Gintoki
    The same stupid faces.
[04:41] Gintoki
    This is no time to be having
    an offline meeting!
[04:44] Gintoki
    We're already into our third week!
[04:47] Gintoki
    Three weeks, dammit. Three weeks!
[04:48] ---
    Why are we doing such stupid
    things three weeks in a row?
[04:52] Gintoki
    We've been doing this for three weeks
[04:53] Gintoki
    and our predicament hasn't
    gotten any better.
[04:55] Gintoki
    In fact, it's gotten worse.
[04:56] Gintoki
    What was the purpose of going
    on the hunt in the first place?
[04:58] Gintoki
    What did we gain from
    two weeks of hunting?!
[05:02] Kondo
    Now, now.
[05:03] Kondo
    While it's true we didn't get any useful
    information on the alien gamers,
[05:07] Kondo
    Mon-Hun brought us-comrades, who
    share the same objective-together.
[05:13] Kondo
    This is a prize more precious than any
    rare item obtained from the hunt.
[05:17] Gintoki
    You call us "comrades," but this assembly
    of fools are all hopeless cases.
[05:22] Hijikata
    What did you just say?!
[05:23] Gintoki
    Hijikata-kun, look at yourself in a mirror.
[05:26] Gintoki
    There's a fool staring back at you!
[05:28] Hijikata
    I'm better off than a guy who's dick got
    turned into a screwdriver, nimrod!
[05:31] Gintoki
    You're an idiot.
[05:32] Gintoki
    I'm better than a guy who's entire body-
[05:33] Gintoki
    including his dick-got turned
    into a screwdriver. Idiot.
[05:35] Shinpachi
    Hey, hey, please calm down!
[05:39] Shinpachi
    This offline meeting is an opportunity
    for us to discuss in person
[05:42] Shinpachi
    what we're going to do from now own.
[05:44] Shinpachi
    Let's all just calm down and
    have a peaceful talk.
[05:47] Shinpachi
    Our party was ultimately never able to obtain
    any information on the alien gamers.
[05:52] Shinpachi
    Hijikata-san, how did you do?
[05:54] Gintoki
    Why were the two of you using
    such confusing avatars?
[05:57] Gintoki
    Because of you, we wasted
    an entire week.
[06:01] Hijikata
    No one wants to play inside a game
    looking like himself, right?
[06:06] ---
    We did that to lure those aliens to us.
[06:09] ---
    We never imagined we'd catch people
    we didn't give a damn about...like you.
[06:14] Okita
    Hijikata-san, that's not entirely true.
[06:17] Okita
    We might have been fishing for guppies
    and unexpectedly hooked a big fish.
[06:22] Katsura
    Sorry I'm late.
[06:25] Katsura
    I'm Fruit Punch Samurai G.
[06:32] Hijikata
    This is your last meal as a free
    man. What would you like?
[06:35] Katsura
    I'll have the prime tripe.
[06:36] Okita
    Excuse me. One order
    of Tainted raw meat.
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Tainted meat from Monster Hunter.]
[06:45] Okita
    Okay, eat up.
[06:48] Katsura
    You tricked me! I never expected
    the offline meeting to be a trap!
[06:51] Gintoki
    You're an idiot!
[06:53] Gintoki
    What's an Anti-Foreigner Faction samurai
    doing at an offline meeting?
[06:55] Katsura
    There are times when even an Anti-Foreigner
    Faction samurai needs some time off!
[06:59] Katsura
    When he wants to forget everything
    and have a good time!
[07:01] Gintoki
    Your brain is constantly "off."
[07:03] Gintoki
    Your adapter was pulled
    from its socket years ago.
[07:05] Katsura
    Hmph. You fools.
[07:07] Katsura
    Nothing good will come
    from capturing me.
[07:11] Katsura
    It doesn't change the fact that
    you're all screwdrivers.
[07:14] Okita
    You're a screwdriver, too, aren't you?
[07:16] Katsura
    No only that, you'll miss a chance
    to obtain valuable information.
[07:21] Kondo
    Katsura, don't tell me; you
    have new information?
[07:24] Katsura
    I might.
[07:26] ---
    When you ask someone for something you
    should show the appropriate courtesy.
[07:32] Hijikata
    Kondo-san, don't fall for his tricks.
[07:35] ---
    He's probably making it
    up to try and escape.
[07:38] Katsura
    Look at this before you doubt me.
[07:41] Katsura
    You'll never talk that
    way about me again.
[07:44] Kondo
    This is...?!
SIGN    [Drivers Wanted Now]
[07:48] Katsura
    Oops, that's all I can show you.
[07:51] Katsura
    Get me the Prime tripe if you want
    to know the contact number
[07:53] Katsura
    and interview location.
[07:57] Kagura
    One Prime tripe!
[08:01] Kagura
    One kalbi!
[08:02] Shinpachi
    Why are you showing
    us a truck driver ad?!
[08:05] Shinpachi
    That's totally the wrong kind of driver!
[08:08] Shinpachi
    Where's the info on the
    alien gamers, nimrod?!
[08:11] Katsura
    I wouldn't have anything like that.
[08:13] Katsura
    Are you still going to ignore reality?
[08:17] Katsura
    You all must've realized that if we haven't found
    any information about the alien gamers by now,
[08:20] Katsura
    we're not ever going to find any.
[08:24] Katsura
    There's nothing more we can do.
[08:28] Hijikata
    Don't be ridiculous. We're
    not giving up so easily.
[08:31] Kondo
    That's right! We're going
    to restore our bodies!
[08:33] Kondo
    The fight begins right now...
[08:35] Kondo
    Ack!
[08:37] Shinpachi
    Kondo-san...is this...
[08:41] Kondo
    She's the third princess of Planet
    Screw...Princess Phillips.
[08:45] Kondo
    Actually, there's talk of an arranged
    marriage meeting...
[08:48] Hijikata
    Kondo-san, you can't be serious!
[08:53] Katsura
    What we need to do now...
[08:56] Katsura
    Is not play Mon-Hun or plan useless
    strategies over barbeque.
[09:01] Katsura
    We need to decide how we're
    going to live as screwdrivers.
[09:10] Waitress
    Thank you very much.
[09:13] Shinpachi (M)
    After that, no one spoke a word...
[09:17] Shinpachi (M)
    and everyone left the Mon-Hun
    party depressed.
[09:25] Shinpachi (M)
    Perhaps without realizing
    it, we were running away.
[09:29] Shinpachi (M)
    The only way to catch the aliens
    was through the game.
[09:32] Shinpachi (M)
    We kept reminding ourselves of that...
[09:36] Shinpachi (M)
    but perhaps all we were doing
    was ignoring the harsh reality
[09:41] Shinpachi (M)
    we were stuck in and escaping
    into the game.
[09:48] Shinpachi (M)
    We gave up our online avatars,
    and the hunt was over.
[09:52] Shinpachi (M)
    Now we had to face reality.
[10:00] Kusano
    Before dawn this morning, Kotaro Katsura,
    a central figure among the
[10:06] Kusano
    Anti-Foreigner Faction samurai, who had
    been apprehended by the Shinsengumi,
[10:08] Kusano
    escaped from Oedo Prison, where
    he had been incarcerated.
[10:11] Kusano
    We have a report from the scene
    by Ketsuno announcer.
[10:14] Kusano
    Ketsuno? Ketsuno, are you there?
[10:17] Ketsuno
    Yes. This is Ketsuno reporting
    from the scene.
[10:19] ---
    Anti-Foreigner Faction samurai, Kotaro
    Katsura, has escaped from prison.
[10:21] Kagura
    He escaped in just a week.
    Zura's pretty good.
[10:24] ---
    Just how did he escape from a
    maximum security prison cell?
[10:27] Shinpachi
    Yeah. The Shinsengumi's
    missing its key members,
[10:28] ---
    Here at the site of the first-ever
    escape of this type...
[10:31] Shinpachi
    so they couldn't keep him locked up.
[10:34] Gintoki
    Hey you guys, it's time to go.
[10:37] Shinpachi
    Coming.
SIGN    [Mover Jobs Gin]
[10:59] Shinpachi
    I wonder what everyone who came to
    the Mon-Hun party is doing right now?
[11:03] Gintoki
    Who knows...
[11:05] Gintoki
    They're all probably working
    as drivers somewhere.
[11:10] Shinpachi (M)
    As he said that, Gin-san looked a bit sad.
[11:16] Shinpachi (M)
    Our new lives as drivers
    was surprising fulfilling.
[11:21] Shinpachi (M)
    The work was hard, but our income was way
    more than we ever made as Odd Jobs.
[11:28] ---
    But Gin-san never seemed happy.
SIGN    [Gaki Private Housing Contractor]
[11:36] Boss
    Hey, Hijikata, give me a screwdriver.
[11:39] Hijikata
    Right!
[11:40] Boss
    No, not one that big. Just
    a normal-sized one.
[11:43] Hijikata
    Right.
[11:45] Shinpachi (M)
    It was really bringing the
    whole gang down.
[11:48] Samurai A
    Chesuto!
SIGN    [Note: Southern Kyushu samurai battle cry.]
[11:50] Samurai B/C
    Nice shot!
[11:56] Shinpachi (M)
    We realized we were stuck being
    drivers and so lived as drivers.
[12:01] Samurai B
    Hey, driver.
[12:03] Okita
    Right here.
[12:04] Samurai B
    No, not that kind of driver.
    A wooden one.
[12:06] Okita
    Right.
[12:08] Shinpachi (M)
    Were we really
    facing reality?
[12:12] Shinpachi (M)
    At this rate, we'll be...
[12:15] Kondo
    What? Princess, might you
    be a Phillips screw?
[12:19] Kondo
    What a coincidence! I'm
    a Phillips screwdriver!
[12:23] Matsudaira
    Good for you two!
[12:25] Matsudaira
    Perhaps you two are held together
    by the red screw of destiny!
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Japanese saying that two people are held together by a red thread/destined to be together.]
[12:29] Shinpachi (M)
    Life seemed so much more real when
    we were playing the game.
SIGN    [However, here's one woman who hasn't given up yet.]
[12:38] Sachan
    No way! It might be okay if I had been modified
    into a screw that fit only Gin-san,
[12:43] Sachan
    but this is unbearable!
[12:54] Shinpachi (M)
    If our lives keep going on like this...
[12:57] Shinpachi (M)
    will it become the norm and will
    the cloud over our hearts fade?
SIGN    [Men's Dreams]
[13:30] Shinpachi (M)
    What is this listless feeling?
[13:33] Shinpachi (M)
    Like we've given up without
    knowing why?
[13:43] Bartender
    Your screwdriver.
[14:06] Shinpachi (M)
    Will there come a day when the cloud
    is washed from our hearts?
[14:19] Shinpachi (M)
    Is our hunt really over...?
SIGN    [Y-You're...]
[15:25] Shinpachi
    It's a hitchhiker.
[15:27] Shinpachi
    Gin-san, let's give her a lift.
[15:34] Shinpachi
    That was someone we know.
[15:37] Gintoki
    I'm working. I don't care.
[15:40] Sachan
    Take me to the GEO Kabukicho
    Branch. That's our destination.
SIGN    [Note: GEO is a Japanese rental video & game store.]
[15:47] Sachan
    You're still an "S" (sadist) even as a driver.
[15:49] Sachan
    Was there ever such a
    thing as an S-driver?
[15:56] Gintoki
    I'm working. Go home.
[15:58] Sachan
    You sure are earnest about your work.
[16:00] Sachan
    Is this how you plan on
    playing the realist-
[16:02] Sachan
    accepting your fate, enduring
    it, and working at it?!
[16:05] Sachan
    Is this how you really want
    to live your life?!
[16:10] Sachan
    Then you're exactly the same
    as those alien gamers,
[16:12] Sachan
    holed up in their tissue-filled
    room thinking they're alive
[16:14] Sachan
    because they spend all their
    time playing a videogame.
[16:19] Sachan
    If you really want to live
    in reality...then fight it!
[16:22] Sachan
    Create your own destiny and
    live in your own reality!
[16:26] Sachan
    Isn't that what it truly means to live?
[16:29] Sachan
    Isn't that a true gamer?
    One who plays the game of life-
[16:31] Sachan
    isn't that who Gintoki Sakata is?!
[16:33] Sachan
    I don't care if you lose!
[16:34] Sachan
    I don't care if you remain
    a screwdriver! Because...
[16:38] Sachan
    Because...my nipples are...
[16:48] Gintoki
    That was one noisy sow.
[16:51] Shinpachi
    Gin-san...
[16:54] Gintoki
    Patsuan, the map. Show me the way.
[16:59] Gintoki
    The real hunt begins now!
SIGN    [GEO KABUKICHO BRANCH]
[17:06] Shinpachi (M)
    Our hunt...
[17:10] Amanto A
    We sure bought a lot.
[17:15] Shinpachi (M)
    ...was still...
[17:16] Amanto A
    With all this, I think we
    can leave Earth happy.
[17:19] Amanto B
    We bought too many games.
[17:20] Amanto A
    Okay, time to take off...
[17:22] Shinpachi (M)
    ...not over.
[17:26] Amanto B
    Senpai, there's a strange vehicle!
[17:29] Amanto B
    It's headed straight for us!
[17:32] Amanto A
    What? Take off. C'mon, fly.
[17:34] Amanto B
    Right.
[17:36] Amanto B
    The ship's not lifting off.
[17:38] Amanto B
    Senpai, there's an intruder
    in propulsion room four.
[17:42] Amanto A
    What is it? What's going on?
[17:47] Amanto A
    Those are...
[17:49] Amanto A
    screwdrivers! Massive screwdrivers
    are drilling into the propulsion unit.
[17:54] Kondo
    Katsura!
[17:55] Katsura
    Stop it! Don't call me by that
    name right now! Kondo.
[17:57] Kondo
    Stop it! Don't call me by
    that name right now!
[18:00] Katsura
    Don't say anything!
[18:01] ---
    Right now, I'm just a hunter!
    Fruit Chinpo Samurai G!
[18:03] ---
    I'm Fruit Punch Samurai G!
[18:07] Amanto B
    Senpai ...
[18:09] Amanto B
    The truck is coming straight for us.
[18:11] Amanto A
    Blast it. Ready cannons!
[18:13] Amanto A
    Safety lock off. Aiming.
[18:17] Amanto A
    Okay, fire!
[18:25] Hijikata
    They're all yours.
[18:27] Amanto A
    This can't be!
[18:46] Amanto A
    You're insane!
[18:53] Gintoki
    Land this ship. Give me back my dick.
[18:57] Amanto A
    I don't know what you're after,
[18:59] Amanto A
    but try and stop the ship if you can.
[19:01] Amanto A
    This ship won't stop no matter how
    much you wreck the propulsion unit.
[19:07] Amanto A
    You see...
[19:08] Amanto A
    This ship will keep on flying unless
    you disassemble the main brain.
[19:13] ---
    You can't do it with your screwdrivers.
[19:17] Amanto A
    That screw can't be turned without
    a special screwdriver.
[19:21] Amanto A
    You've lost...
[19:22] Gintoki
    Is that so?
[19:25] Gintoki
    I was wondering where I could
    use this...I guess this is it.
[19:28] Amanto A
    Wh...What?
[19:37] Amanto A
    You... It can't be...!
[19:40] Amanto A
    That screwdriver is...!
[19:42] Gintoki
    Fade in!
SIGN    [Note: Parody of anime "Brave Raideen."]
[19:45] Gintoki
    Go to hell!
[20:14] Hijikata
    Huh? What about our bodies?
[20:22] Masukaaku
    You did well to come this far.
[20:24] Masukaaku
    I am the Masta Bayter, the
    Emperor of Darkness.
[20:28] Masukaaku
    Will I hunt you down, or
    will you hunt me down?
[20:31] Masukaaku
    Let's have our final battle.
[20:42] Hasegawa (M)
    Wait for me everyone. I'll be right there!
SIGN    [The End]
SIGN    [GinTama - Memories of Summer Vacation]
[22:32] Kagura
    I feel sorry for cicadas.
[22:34] Kagura
    They spend years in the ground,
[22:36] Kagura
    but when they can finally come
    out, they die in just a week.
[22:42] Gintoki
    Don't feel sorry for them.
[22:44] Gintoki
    What makes you think their life begins
    after they come out of the ground?
[22:48] Gintoki
    For cicadas, the time spent underground
    might be their real lifetime.
[22:52] Gintoki
    They might be having sushi
    underground every day.
[22:56] Gintoki
    By the time they come
    out, their life is over.
[22:59] Gintoki
    It's just the last part of their life.
[23:01] Gintoki
    They come out looking forward
    to playing gateball.
SIGN    [Note: Gateball is a croquet-like game associated with old folks in Japan.]
[23:06] Kagura
    Are you serious? Sushi everyday?
    That makes me angry.
[23:11] Gintoki
    Doesn't it, though?
[23:13] Gintoki
    We eat raw egg and soy sauce on rice
    everyday-we're a lot more pitiful.
[23:23] Kagura
    I feel sorry for mosquitoes.
[23:25] Kagura
    They only want blood to feed the
    babies inside their bodies,
[23:28] Kagura
    but we treat them like vampires
    and squash them.
[23:32] Gintoki
    Don't feel sorry for them.
[23:34] Gintoki
    Don't you know why you feel itchy
    when a mosquito bites you?
[23:38] Gintoki
    It's because of its saliva.
[23:41] Gintoki
    As it sucks your blood, it pumps
    saliva into your body.
[23:45] Gintoki
    They get treated to a meal at your house
    and spit on you as they leave.
[23:51] Mosquito
    Thanks for the god-awful meal.
[23:53] Kagura
    Are you serious? That makes me angry.
[23:56] Gintoki
    Of course it does.
[23:58] Gintoki
    Now that you know that,
    get the mosquito coil.
[24:08] Kagura
    I feel sorry for Madao.
[24:10] Gintoki
    I do, too.
[24:11] Hasegawa
    Aren't you going to say something?
SIGN    [The End]
SIGN    
[24:16] Shinpachi
    Gin-san! It happened!
[24:17] Shinpachi
    Next time, Otsu-chan makes the first appearance
    she's had in a while with her new song!
[24:21] Gintoki
    Are you sure it's okay?
[24:23] Gintoki
    There hasn't been a single song of
    hers that hasn't caused trouble.
[24:26] Otsu
    The next episode... "When Nagging Goes
    Too Far It Becomes Intimidating."
SIGN    [Otsu gets into an accident immediately after releasing her new song!]
SIGN    [Her producer, Tsunpo, is injured, too. Who is responsible? What will Otsu do?!]
SIGN    [See you next time.]