# E123 - "Always Keep a Screwdriver In Your Heart"
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/GY09QGMPY/always-keep-a-screwdriver-in-your-heart)
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** [Note: Playstation-like logo.]
**[00:05] Narrator**
The curtain is about to rise...
**[00:12] Narrator**
A spectacular battle for survival.
**[00:17] Narrator**
A hunter trusts only...
**[00:19] ---**
Himself.
**[00:23] Narrator**
Beat them down...
**[00:28] Narrator**
Or dazzle them with your technique.
**[00:35] Narrator**
Monkey Hunter online!
***SIGN*** [Note: Parody of Monster Hunter online TV spot.]
**[00:37] ---**
Risk your life to hunt them down!
**[00:40] Shinpachi**
The Odd Jobs were subjected
to alien abduction
**[00:43] Shinpachi**
by mysterious aliens from
outer space and
**[00:45] Shinpachi**
had parts of their bodies modified
into screwdrivers.
**[00:47] Gintoki**
Patsuan, it's not a crime to kill
aliens from outer space, right?
**[00:53] Shinpachi**
They did it to him! They messed
with Gin-san's analog stick!
**[00:58] Shinpachi (N)**
In order to restore their bodies,
**[01:00] Shinpachi (N)**
they began playing an online
game called Monkey Hunter.
**[01:05] Shinpachi (N)**
Along the way, other players
who sought their same goal
**[01:07] Shinpachi (N)**
-Katsura, Kondo, Sachan, and
Hasegawa-joined their party.
**[01:14] ---**
Finally, they closed in on players who looked
like the aliens they were searching for...
**[01:18] ---**
They revealed themselves to be...
**[01:20] Senpai**
Look, I didn't say anything
earlier, but that's enough.
**[01:24] Senpai**
You guys have been sneaking
about trying to check us out.
**[01:29] Senpai**
What're you up to? Are you with them?
**[01:33] Gintoki**
Huh? What're you saying?
**[01:34] Senpai**
I'm asking who you people are!
**[01:37] Gintoki**
You should identify yourselves first
before asking us questions.
**[01:41] Senpai**
Huh? We are...
***SIGN***
Gun User
***SIGN***
**[01:54] Hijikata/Okita**
We are screwdrivers.
***SIGN*** [Gintoki and his friends couldn't find a single clue about the alien gamers.]
***SIGN*** [Their fight to restore their bodies finally comes to a conclusion!]
***SIGN*** [JuuJuu En]
***SIGN*** [Note: Parody of Korean BBQ
restaurant, JyoJyoEn.]
**[03:42] Customer**
Excuse me.
**[03:44] Customer**
Two orders of salted beef tongue
and four draft beers!
**[03:47] Waitress**
Coming right up!
**[03:50] Waitress**
Everyone...have you decided
on your orders?
**[04:01] All**
Ten orders of Kalbi G.
***SIGN*** [Note: Parody of Well-done steak G from Monster Hunter. Kalbi is Korean style beef ribs.]
***SIGN*** ["Always Keep a Screwdriver In Your Heart"]
**[04:28] Shinpachi**
Come on, everybody!
**[04:29] Shinpachi**
Say something! This is
our offline meeting.
**[04:33] Gintoki**
Offline meeting? These
are all people I know.
**[04:37] Gintoki**
The same stupid faces.
**[04:41] Gintoki**
This is no time to be having
an offline meeting!
**[04:44] Gintoki**
We're already into our third week!
**[04:47] Gintoki**
Three weeks, dammit. Three weeks!
**[04:48] ---**
Why are we doing such stupid
things three weeks in a row?
**[04:52] Gintoki**
We've been doing this for three weeks
**[04:53] Gintoki**
and our predicament hasn't
gotten any better.
**[04:55] Gintoki**
In fact, it's gotten worse.
**[04:56] Gintoki**
What was the purpose of going
on the hunt in the first place?
**[04:58] Gintoki**
What did we gain from
two weeks of hunting?!
**[05:02] Kondo**
Now, now.
**[05:03] Kondo**
While it's true we didn't get any useful
information on the alien gamers,
**[05:07] Kondo**
Mon-Hun brought us-comrades, who
share the same objective-together.
**[05:13] Kondo**
This is a prize more precious than any
rare item obtained from the hunt.
**[05:17] Gintoki**
You call us "comrades," but this assembly
of fools are all hopeless cases.
**[05:22] Hijikata**
What did you just say?!
**[05:23] Gintoki**
Hijikata-kun, look at yourself in a mirror.
**[05:26] Gintoki**
There's a fool staring back at you!
**[05:28] Hijikata**
I'm better off than a guy who's dick got
turned into a screwdriver, nimrod!
**[05:31] Gintoki**
You're an idiot.
**[05:32] Gintoki**
I'm better than a guy who's entire body-
**[05:33] Gintoki**
including his dick-got turned
into a screwdriver. Idiot.
**[05:35] Shinpachi**
Hey, hey, please calm down!
**[05:39] Shinpachi**
This offline meeting is an opportunity
for us to discuss in person
**[05:42] Shinpachi**
what we're going to do from now own.
**[05:44] Shinpachi**
Let's all just calm down and
have a peaceful talk.
**[05:47] Shinpachi**
Our party was ultimately never able to obtain
any information on the alien gamers.
**[05:52] Shinpachi**
Hijikata-san, how did you do?
**[05:54] Gintoki**
Why were the two of you using
such confusing avatars?
**[05:57] Gintoki**
Because of you, we wasted
an entire week.
**[06:01] Hijikata**
No one wants to play inside a game
looking like himself, right?
**[06:06] ---**
We did that to lure those aliens to us.
**[06:09] ---**
We never imagined we'd catch people
we didn't give a damn about...like you.
**[06:14] Okita**
Hijikata-san, that's not entirely true.
**[06:17] Okita**
We might have been fishing for guppies
and unexpectedly hooked a big fish.
**[06:22] Katsura**
Sorry I'm late.
**[06:25] Katsura**
I'm Fruit Punch Samurai G.
**[06:32] Hijikata**
This is your last meal as a free
man. What would you like?
**[06:35] Katsura**
I'll have the prime tripe.
**[06:36] Okita**
Excuse me. One order
of Tainted raw meat.
***SIGN*** [Note: Parody of Tainted meat from Monster Hunter.]
**[06:45] Okita**
Okay, eat up.
**[06:48] Katsura**
You tricked me! I never expected
the offline meeting to be a trap!
**[06:51] Gintoki**
You're an idiot!
**[06:53] Gintoki**
What's an Anti-Foreigner Faction samurai
doing at an offline meeting?
**[06:55] Katsura**
There are times when even an Anti-Foreigner
Faction samurai needs some time off!
**[06:59] Katsura**
When he wants to forget everything
and have a good time!
**[07:01] Gintoki**
Your brain is constantly "off."
**[07:03] Gintoki**
Your adapter was pulled
from its socket years ago.
**[07:05] Katsura**
Hmph. You fools.
**[07:07] Katsura**
Nothing good will come
from capturing me.
**[07:11] Katsura**
It doesn't change the fact that
you're all screwdrivers.
**[07:14] Okita**
You're a screwdriver, too, aren't you?
**[07:16] Katsura**
No only that, you'll miss a chance
to obtain valuable information.
**[07:21] Kondo**
Katsura, don't tell me; you
have new information?
**[07:24] Katsura**
I might.
**[07:26] ---**
When you ask someone for something you
should show the appropriate courtesy.
**[07:32] Hijikata**
Kondo-san, don't fall for his tricks.
**[07:35] ---**
He's probably making it
up to try and escape.
**[07:38] Katsura**
Look at this before you doubt me.
**[07:41] Katsura**
You'll never talk that
way about me again.
**[07:44] Kondo**
This is...?!
***SIGN*** [Drivers Wanted Now]
**[07:48] Katsura**
Oops, that's all I can show you.
**[07:51] Katsura**
Get me the Prime tripe if you want
to know the contact number
**[07:53] Katsura**
and interview location.
**[07:57] Kagura**
One Prime tripe!
**[08:01] Kagura**
One kalbi!
**[08:02] Shinpachi**
Why are you showing
us a truck driver ad?!
**[08:05] Shinpachi**
That's totally the wrong kind of driver!
**[08:08] Shinpachi**
Where's the info on the
alien gamers, nimrod?!
**[08:11] Katsura**
I wouldn't have anything like that.
**[08:13] Katsura**
Are you still going to ignore reality?
**[08:17] Katsura**
You all must've realized that if we haven't found
any information about the alien gamers by now,
**[08:20] Katsura**
we're not ever going to find any.
**[08:24] Katsura**
There's nothing more we can do.
**[08:28] Hijikata**
Don't be ridiculous. We're
not giving up so easily.
**[08:31] Kondo**
That's right! We're going
to restore our bodies!
**[08:33] Kondo**
The fight begins right now...
**[08:35] Kondo**
Ack!
**[08:37] Shinpachi**
Kondo-san...is this...
**[08:41] Kondo**
She's the third princess of Planet
Screw...Princess Phillips.
**[08:45] Kondo**
Actually, there's talk of an arranged
marriage meeting...
**[08:48] Hijikata**
Kondo-san, you can't be serious!
**[08:53] Katsura**
What we need to do now...
**[08:56] Katsura**
Is not play Mon-Hun or plan useless
strategies over barbeque.
**[09:01] Katsura**
We need to decide how we're
going to live as screwdrivers.
**[09:10] Waitress**
Thank you very much.
**[09:13] Shinpachi (M)**
After that, no one spoke a word...
**[09:17] Shinpachi (M)**
and everyone left the Mon-Hun
party depressed.
**[09:25] Shinpachi (M)**
Perhaps without realizing
it, we were running away.
**[09:29] Shinpachi (M)**
The only way to catch the aliens
was through the game.
**[09:32] Shinpachi (M)**
We kept reminding ourselves of that...
**[09:36] Shinpachi (M)**
but perhaps all we were doing
was ignoring the harsh reality
**[09:41] Shinpachi (M)**
we were stuck in and escaping
into the game.
**[09:48] Shinpachi (M)**
We gave up our online avatars,
and the hunt was over.
**[09:52] Shinpachi (M)**
Now we had to face reality.
**[10:00] Kusano**
Before dawn this morning, Kotaro Katsura,
a central figure among the
**[10:06] Kusano**
Anti-Foreigner Faction samurai, who had
been apprehended by the Shinsengumi,
**[10:08] Kusano**
escaped from Oedo Prison, where
he had been incarcerated.
**[10:11] Kusano**
We have a report from the scene
by Ketsuno announcer.
**[10:14] Kusano**
Ketsuno? Ketsuno, are you there?
**[10:17] Ketsuno**
Yes. This is Ketsuno reporting
from the scene.
**[10:19] ---**
Anti-Foreigner Faction samurai, Kotaro
Katsura, has escaped from prison.
**[10:21] Kagura**
He escaped in just a week.
Zura's pretty good.
**[10:24] ---**
Just how did he escape from a
maximum security prison cell?
**[10:27] Shinpachi**
Yeah. The Shinsengumi's
missing its key members,
**[10:28] ---**
Here at the site of the first-ever
escape of this type...
**[10:31] Shinpachi**
so they couldn't keep him locked up.
**[10:34] Gintoki**
Hey you guys, it's time to go.
**[10:37] Shinpachi**
Coming.
***SIGN*** [Mover Jobs Gin]
**[10:59] Shinpachi**
I wonder what everyone who came to
the Mon-Hun party is doing right now?
**[11:03] Gintoki**
Who knows...
**[11:05] Gintoki**
They're all probably working
as drivers somewhere.
**[11:10] Shinpachi (M)**
As he said that, Gin-san looked a bit sad.
**[11:16] Shinpachi (M)**
Our new lives as drivers
was surprising fulfilling.
**[11:21] Shinpachi (M)**
The work was hard, but our income was way
more than we ever made as Odd Jobs.
**[11:28] ---**
But Gin-san never seemed happy.
***SIGN*** [Gaki Private Housing Contractor]
**[11:36] Boss**
Hey, Hijikata, give me a screwdriver.
**[11:39] Hijikata**
Right!
**[11:40] Boss**
No, not one that big. Just
a normal-sized one.
**[11:43] Hijikata**
Right.
**[11:45] Shinpachi (M)**
It was really bringing the
whole gang down.
**[11:48] Samurai A**
Chesuto!
***SIGN*** [Note: Southern Kyushu samurai battle cry.]
**[11:50] Samurai B/C**
Nice shot!
**[11:56] Shinpachi (M)**
We realized we were stuck being
drivers and so lived as drivers.
**[12:01] Samurai B**
Hey, driver.
**[12:03] Okita**
Right here.
**[12:04] Samurai B**
No, not that kind of driver.
A wooden one.
**[12:06] Okita**
Right.
**[12:08] Shinpachi (M)**
Were we really
facing reality?
**[12:12] Shinpachi (M)**
At this rate, we'll be...
**[12:15] Kondo**
What? Princess, might you
be a Phillips screw?
**[12:19] Kondo**
What a coincidence! I'm
a Phillips screwdriver!
**[12:23] Matsudaira**
Good for you two!
**[12:25] Matsudaira**
Perhaps you two are held together
by the red screw of destiny!
***SIGN*** [Note: Parody of Japanese saying that two people are held together by a red thread/destined to be together.]
**[12:29] Shinpachi (M)**
Life seemed so much more real when
we were playing the game.
***SIGN*** [However, here's one woman who hasn't given up yet.]
**[12:38] Sachan**
No way! It might be okay if I had been modified
into a screw that fit only Gin-san,
**[12:43] Sachan**
but this is unbearable!
**[12:54] Shinpachi (M)**
If our lives keep going on like this...
**[12:57] Shinpachi (M)**
will it become the norm and will
the cloud over our hearts fade?
***SIGN*** [Men's Dreams]
**[13:30] Shinpachi (M)**
What is this listless feeling?
**[13:33] Shinpachi (M)**
Like we've given up without
knowing why?
**[13:43] Bartender**
Your screwdriver.
**[14:06] Shinpachi (M)**
Will there come a day when the cloud
is washed from our hearts?
**[14:19] Shinpachi (M)**
Is our hunt really over...?
***SIGN*** [Y-You're...]
**[15:25] Shinpachi**
It's a hitchhiker.
**[15:27] Shinpachi**
Gin-san, let's give her a lift.
**[15:34] Shinpachi**
That was someone we know.
**[15:37] Gintoki**
I'm working. I don't care.
**[15:40] Sachan**
Take me to the GEO Kabukicho
Branch. That's our destination.
***SIGN*** [Note: GEO is a Japanese rental video & game store.]
**[15:47] Sachan**
You're still an "S" (sadist) even as a driver.
**[15:49] Sachan**
Was there ever such a
thing as an S-driver?
**[15:56] Gintoki**
I'm working. Go home.
**[15:58] Sachan**
You sure are earnest about your work.
**[16:00] Sachan**
Is this how you plan on
playing the realist-
**[16:02] Sachan**
accepting your fate, enduring
it, and working at it?!
**[16:05] Sachan**
Is this how you really want
to live your life?!
**[16:10] Sachan**
Then you're exactly the same
as those alien gamers,
**[16:12] Sachan**
holed up in their tissue-filled
room thinking they're alive
**[16:14] Sachan**
because they spend all their
time playing a videogame.
**[16:19] Sachan**
If you really want to live
in reality...then fight it!
**[16:22] Sachan**
Create your own destiny and
live in your own reality!
**[16:26] Sachan**
Isn't that what it truly means to live?
**[16:29] Sachan**
Isn't that a true gamer?
One who plays the game of life-
**[16:31] Sachan**
isn't that who Gintoki Sakata is?!
**[16:33] Sachan**
I don't care if you lose!
**[16:34] Sachan**
I don't care if you remain
a screwdriver! Because...
**[16:38] Sachan**
Because...my nipples are...
**[16:48] Gintoki**
That was one noisy sow.
**[16:51] Shinpachi**
Gin-san...
**[16:54] Gintoki**
Patsuan, the map. Show me the way.
**[16:59] Gintoki**
The real hunt begins now!
***SIGN*** [GEO KABUKICHO BRANCH]
**[17:06] Shinpachi (M)**
Our hunt...
**[17:10] Amanto A**
We sure bought a lot.
**[17:15] Shinpachi (M)**
...was still...
**[17:16] Amanto A**
With all this, I think we
can leave Earth happy.
**[17:19] Amanto B**
We bought too many games.
**[17:20] Amanto A**
Okay, time to take off...
**[17:22] Shinpachi (M)**
...not over.
**[17:26] Amanto B**
Senpai, there's a strange vehicle!
**[17:29] Amanto B**
It's headed straight for us!
**[17:32] Amanto A**
What? Take off. C'mon, fly.
**[17:34] Amanto B**
Right.
**[17:36] Amanto B**
The ship's not lifting off.
**[17:38] Amanto B**
Senpai, there's an intruder
in propulsion room four.
**[17:42] Amanto A**
What is it? What's going on?
**[17:47] Amanto A**
Those are...
**[17:49] Amanto A**
screwdrivers! Massive screwdrivers
are drilling into the propulsion unit.
**[17:54] Kondo**
Katsura!
**[17:55] Katsura**
Stop it! Don't call me by that
name right now! Kondo.
**[17:57] Kondo**
Stop it! Don't call me by
that name right now!
**[18:00] Katsura**
Don't say anything!
**[18:01] ---**
Right now, I'm just a hunter!
Fruit Chinpo Samurai G!
**[18:03] ---**
I'm Fruit Punch Samurai G!
**[18:07] Amanto B**
Senpai ...
**[18:09] Amanto B**
The truck is coming straight for us.
**[18:11] Amanto A**
Blast it. Ready cannons!
**[18:13] Amanto A**
Safety lock off. Aiming.
**[18:17] Amanto A**
Okay, fire!
**[18:25] Hijikata**
They're all yours.
**[18:27] Amanto A**
This can't be!
**[18:46] Amanto A**
You're insane!
**[18:53] Gintoki**
Land this ship. Give me back my dick.
**[18:57] Amanto A**
I don't know what you're after,
**[18:59] Amanto A**
but try and stop the ship if you can.
**[19:01] Amanto A**
This ship won't stop no matter how
much you wreck the propulsion unit.
**[19:07] Amanto A**
You see...
**[19:08] Amanto A**
This ship will keep on flying unless
you disassemble the main brain.
**[19:13] ---**
You can't do it with your screwdrivers.
**[19:17] Amanto A**
That screw can't be turned without
a special screwdriver.
**[19:21] Amanto A**
You've lost...
**[19:22] Gintoki**
Is that so?
**[19:25] Gintoki**
I was wondering where I could
use this...I guess this is it.
**[19:28] Amanto A**
Wh...What?
**[19:37] Amanto A**
You... It can't be...!
**[19:40] Amanto A**
That screwdriver is...!
**[19:42] Gintoki**
Fade in!
***SIGN*** [Note: Parody of anime "Brave Raideen."]
**[19:45] Gintoki**
Go to hell!
**[20:14] Hijikata**
Huh? What about our bodies?
**[20:22] Masukaaku**
You did well to come this far.
**[20:24] Masukaaku**
I am the Masta Bayter, the
Emperor of Darkness.
**[20:28] Masukaaku**
Will I hunt you down, or
will you hunt me down?
**[20:31] Masukaaku**
Let's have our final battle.
**[20:42] Hasegawa (M)**
Wait for me everyone. I'll be right there!
***SIGN*** [The End]
***SIGN*** [GinTama - Memories of Summer Vacation]
**[22:32] Kagura**
I feel sorry for cicadas.
**[22:34] Kagura**
They spend years in the ground,
**[22:36] Kagura**
but when they can finally come
out, they die in just a week.
**[22:42] Gintoki**
Don't feel sorry for them.
**[22:44] Gintoki**
What makes you think their life begins
after they come out of the ground?
**[22:48] Gintoki**
For cicadas, the time spent underground
might be their real lifetime.
**[22:52] Gintoki**
They might be having sushi
underground every day.
**[22:56] Gintoki**
By the time they come
out, their life is over.
**[22:59] Gintoki**
It's just the last part of their life.
**[23:01] Gintoki**
They come out looking forward
to playing gateball.
***SIGN*** [Note: Gateball is a croquet-like game associated with old folks in Japan.]
**[23:06] Kagura**
Are you serious? Sushi everyday?
That makes me angry.
**[23:11] Gintoki**
Doesn't it, though?
**[23:13] Gintoki**
We eat raw egg and soy sauce on rice
everyday-we're a lot more pitiful.
**[23:23] Kagura**
I feel sorry for mosquitoes.
**[23:25] Kagura**
They only want blood to feed the
babies inside their bodies,
**[23:28] Kagura**
but we treat them like vampires
and squash them.
**[23:32] Gintoki**
Don't feel sorry for them.
**[23:34] Gintoki**
Don't you know why you feel itchy
when a mosquito bites you?
**[23:38] Gintoki**
It's because of its saliva.
**[23:41] Gintoki**
As it sucks your blood, it pumps
saliva into your body.
**[23:45] Gintoki**
They get treated to a meal at your house
and spit on you as they leave.
**[23:51] Mosquito**
Thanks for the god-awful meal.
**[23:53] Kagura**
Are you serious? That makes me angry.
**[23:56] Gintoki**
Of course it does.
**[23:58] Gintoki**
Now that you know that,
get the mosquito coil.
**[24:08] Kagura**
I feel sorry for Madao.
**[24:10] Gintoki**
I do, too.
**[24:11] Hasegawa**
Aren't you going to say something?
***SIGN*** [The End]
***SIGN***
**[24:16] Shinpachi**
Gin-san! It happened!
**[24:17] Shinpachi**
Next time, Otsu-chan makes the first appearance
she's had in a while with her new song!
**[24:21] Gintoki**
Are you sure it's okay?
**[24:23] Gintoki**
There hasn't been a single song of
hers that hasn't caused trouble.
**[24:26] Otsu**
The next episode... "When Nagging Goes
Too Far It Becomes Intimidating."
***SIGN*** [Otsu gets into an accident immediately after releasing her new song!]
***SIGN*** [Her producer, Tsunpo, is injured, too. Who is responsible? What will Otsu do?!]
***SIGN*** [See you next time.]