E251 - When Sleeping Under a Kotatsu, Make Sure You Don't Burn Your Balls

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Spring is here.
[00:02] Gin
    Happy New Year!
[00:07] Shin
    To all the people who helped us last year
[00:10] Shin
    and all the viewers who watched this show.
[00:17] Shin
    Yeah, if you wanted to sneak in a New Year greeting
[00:20] ---
    at the beginning of an episode,
[00:22] Shin
    you should have done it last week
[00:24] Shin
    since the last episode was about New Year's envelopes.
[00:34] Shin
    Hey!
[00:35] Shin
    I can understand if you're too lazy to respond,
[00:37] Shin
    but that doesn't make it okay to fart!
[00:38] Shin
    That's plain rude!
[00:44] Shin
    Hey!
SIGN    Kotatsu
[02:21] Gin
    Do you think it's possible that humans evolved from kotatsu?
[02:24] Shin
    What are you talking about?
[02:26] Gin
    Humans are drawn to kotatsu by DNA.
[02:30] Gin
    Isn't there a mythical creature that looks like this?
[02:33] Gin
    Maybe humans and kotatsu used to be one and the same.
[02:36] Shin
    I've never seen anything like that before.
[02:37] Gin
    And then evolution gave us what is now
[02:42] Gin
    humankind.
[02:43] Shin
    That's a pretty biased example to use for humankind.
[02:45] Kagura
    So we're trying to reunite with the kotatsu!
[02:50] Sa
    You've finally realized the truth!
[02:52] Sa
    It's time to unite with me, Gin-san!
[02:55] Shin
    I have a feeling this was devolution.
SIGN    The End
SIGN    Shinsengumi Station
SIGN    New Year Greetings
[04:02] Yama
    Gantan.
[04:07] Yama
    Gantan?
[04:12] Yama
    Gantan.
[04:16] Yama
    Ganpan.
[04:20] Yama
    Antan.
[04:22] Yama
    Anpan!
[04:24] Yama
    Anpan!
SIGN    The End
SIGN    Recycling Center Earth Defense Base
[04:38] Gin
    Hey.
[04:40] Gin
    Excuse me, can you buy this off me?
[04:42] A
    Cut it out already.
[04:45] A
    This isn't a dump.
[04:47] Gin
    I'm not sure what's wrong, but the thermostat isn't working.
[04:51] Sa
    You have to be stronger!
[04:53] Gin
    I can't switch it off the strong setting.
[04:55] A
    I thought the last segment ended!
[04:58] Gin
    Can I trade this for something kotatsu-like?
[05:00] A
    We don't deal in human trade.
[05:05] Gin
    Huh?
[05:06] Gin
    Hey, you've got a nice one here.
[05:09] A
    Wait, that's...
SIGN    When Sleeping Under a Kotatsu, Make Sure You Don't Burn Your Balls
SIGN    Odd Jobs Gin-chan Snack Otose
[05:21] Shin
    Good morning!
[05:26] Shin
    Huh?
[05:30] Shin
    Again?
[05:31] Shin
    They're so hopeless.
[05:33] Shin
    Hey!
[05:35] Shin
    You're going to catch a cold if you sleep under the kotatsu!
[05:38] Shin
    Cut that out! It's a disgrace!
[05:41] Shin
    You too, Sadaharu!
[05:44] Shin
    It's the first episode of the new year, and you're just sitting around.
[05:47] Shin
    Everything is within reach of the kotatsu.
[05:50] Shin
    How lazy can you be?
[05:54] Gin
    Shut up.
[05:56] Gin
    I'm staying here because it's cold.
[06:00] Gin
    What's wrong with being lazy on New Year's, stupid?
[06:03] Shin
    You're lazy every single day of the year!
[06:06] Kagura
    Pachi-boy, I decided to
[06:12] Kagura
    marry the kotatsu.
[06:14] Kagura
    I can't live without it.
[06:17] Otsu
    Everyone, Happy New Year!
[06:18] Shin
    The kotatsu doesn't want a bride who never moves.
[06:25] Otsu
    Thank you for coming to my concert on such a busy day to show your supportapoop!
[06:28] Shin
    Could you get out of there?
[06:30] Shin
    The fridge is empty because we haven't gone shopping recently.
[06:34] Shin
    We don't have food for lunch.
[06:36] Kagura
    What? We don't need to go shopping.
[06:39] Kagura
    I've got lunch right here.
[06:41] Kagura
    Piping hot meat buns.
[06:44] Shin
    Uh, that's disgusting!
[06:46] Shin
    You're not supposed to use a kotatsu that way!
[06:47] Kagura
    Fine, you don't get any then.
[06:49] Kagura
    Gin-chan, where's the mustard?
[06:56] Gin
    We have some,
SIGN    Mustard
[06:59] Gin
    but it's beyond the horizon.
[07:01] Kagura
    Then I'll use the toothpaste.
[07:04] Shin
    Enough already!
[07:05] Shin
    Why do you have to be so lazy on the first episode of the year?!
[07:08] Shin
    I understand the desire to be comfortable, but you're too comfortable!
[07:10] Shin
    You've been like this ever since we got the new kotatsu!
[07:13] Shin
    What if the little kids follow your example?!
[07:15] Shin
    Can you pull it together?!
[07:19] Shin
    Where's the plug?
[07:21] Gin
    There isn't one.
[07:23] Shin
    Don't lie to me!
[07:25] ---
    Where is it?! Where did you hide it?!
[07:27] Gin
    I said that there isn't one.
[07:31] Shin
    Don't play dumb!
[07:33] Shin
    If there isn't a plug, how do you turn it on?!
[07:36] Gin
    There's no need to turn it off.
[07:40] Gin
    Because
[07:42] ---
    we're never leaving...
[07:48] Shin
    S-Space...
[08:00] Shin
    No, this is...
[08:03] Shin
    This is a black hole!
[08:10] Otsu
    That was "Your Brother is a ****"!
[08:16] Otsu
    Thank you for listeningapoop!
[08:20] All
    Thank you!
[08:24] Otsu
    Does everyone love me?
[08:28] All
    We love you!
[08:30] Otsu
    Does everyone love me?
[08:34] All
    We love you!
[08:37] Otsu
    But the mothers in the PTA don't like this song very much.
[08:55] Gin
    What are you doing, Pachi-boy?
[08:57] Gin
    Cut down the racket.
[08:58] Shin
    Wait!
[08:59] Shin
    H-Hold on!
[09:02] Shin
    Wh-What is this?!
[09:04] Shin
    What's up with this kotatsu?!
[09:05] Shin
    How is there a black hole under the kotatsu?!
[09:09] Gin
    What are you talking about?
[09:11] ---
    That's how every kotatsu works.
[09:13] Gin
    Once you get under one, you can never leave.
[09:15] Gin
    A square black hole that sucks
[09:17] ---
    motivation from humans and grants pure ecstasy.
[09:20] Gin
    That's what a kotatsu is.
[09:21] Shin
    I've never heard that scary explanation before!
[09:24] Shin
    That's not what I mean!
[09:26] Shin
    There's something down there!
[09:27] Shin
    I'm literally stuck now!
[09:29] Shin
    Where did you find this thing, Gin-san?!
SIGN    Anti-Evil Ward
[09:32] Gin
    They needed to find a way to dispose of it, so they gave it to me for free.
[09:35] Gin
    I really like the design.
[09:36] Gin
    Isn't it nice?
[09:37] Shin
    The design?
[09:38] Shin
    There are a bunch of creepy wards everywhere!
[09:43] Shin
    What was it she said?
[09:44] Shin
    The previous owner used this kotatsu to seal King Something-lo.
[09:49] Shin
    It sounded scary, so I just ignored her and brought the kotatsu home.
[09:51] Shin
    Uh, you heard the scary part!
[09:54] Shin
    You only left out the "Picco"!
[09:56] Shin
    King Piccolo's in there!
[09:58] Gin
    Don't worry, it's not King Piccolo.
[10:01] Gin
    I think it was King Diablo.
[10:04] Shin
    That's even scarier!
[10:06] ---
    And you're missing the point!
[10:09] Shin
    So what does this mean?!
[10:10] Shin
    Have we been sealed inside this kotatsu?!
[10:13] Shin
    It's not that you don't want to get out, you can't!
[10:16] Shin
    What are we going to do?!
[10:17] Shin
    We're supposed to spend
[10:18] ---
    the first episode of the year sitting under a kotatsu?!
[10:22] Kagura
    Not just the first episode.
[10:24] ---
    We'll be spending the entire year here.
[10:26] Shin
    That can't last!
[10:29] Gin
    What's wrong with being lazy for a bit?
[10:32] Gin
    Pachi-boy, this is our sixth year.
[10:36] Gin
    We may be following the Sazae-san tradition of never aging,
[10:39] Gin
    but I'm almost 40 mentally.
[10:42] Gin
    Mentally, I'm almost bald.
[10:45] Shin
    Mentally?! You're physically bald!
[10:49] Gin
    I'm tired of working this combover every week.
[10:53] Gin
    Can't I just not worry about my hair for once?
[10:57] Kagura
    Yeah, after six years, I've learned how to talk straight.
[11:01] Kagura
    I'm tired of sounding stupid.
[11:05] Shin
    That's crazy talk!
[11:07] Kagura
    I'm tired of living a lie!
[11:11] Shin
    Why are you bald?!
[11:13] Shin
    Wh-What are you people doing?!
[11:15] Shin
    You're supposed to be the main character and heroine in a Jump anime!
[11:19] Gin
    Shut up. Don't be such a nag.
[11:22] Kagura
    We took a whole year off so there
[11:24] ---
    would be enough manga to resume the anime,
[11:26] Kagura
    but now we're slacking again.
[11:28] Gin
    When an episode in March
[11:31] Gin
    is based on a chapter from the first issue of Jump that year,
[11:33] Gin
    it's clear that there's a timing issue.
[11:35] Gin
    We had two months to produce this episode?
[11:37] Shin
    Hey!
[11:38] Shin
    Stop it!
[11:39] Shin
    That's a really delicate issue right now!
[11:41] Shin
    You're not supposed to open that door right now!
[11:43] Kagura
    They didn't plan ahead properly.
[11:46] Kagura
    Any kid could tell you that a
[11:48] ---
    chapter won't give you an entire episode.
[11:50] Kagura
    The problem is when you have people
[11:53] ---
    who don't plan ahead planning anime.
[11:58] Gin
    Yeah, I'm getting sick of everything!
[12:01] Shin
    Th-This is bad.
[12:03] Shin
    They're losing all their motivation to the evil kotatsu!
[12:07] Shin
    I need to get out of here before I go bald!
[12:10] Shin
    Forget the animation quality, this anime is in trouble.
[12:13] Shin
    I need to call for help!
[12:17] Shin
    Somebody's here!
[12:18] Shin
    Excuse me! Help us!
[12:20] Shin
    We can't move!
[12:22] Shin
    Please come in!
[12:24] Zura
    What's that? Is something wrong, Shinpachi-kun?
[12:27] Shin
    Katsura-san!
[12:29] Zura
    This is pathetic!
[12:31] Zura
    Gintoki, a warrior should not be living in squalor!
[12:34] Zura
    You should be ashamed!
[12:36] Shin
    Katsura-san, please listen to me!
[12:38] Zura
    Silence! You can make excuses later!
[12:40] Shin
    You've got it wrong!
[12:42] Shin
    Listen to me first! Katsura-san, this is...
[12:45] Zura
    It's not Katsura. It's Zura.
[12:49] Zura
    Brr, I'm freezing.
[12:52] Shin
    He went bald instantly!
[12:54] Shin
    Hey! I told you to listen to me!
[12:57] Shin
    Why are you immediately getting under the kotatsu?!
[12:59] Shin
    And what's with that gross forehead?!
[13:02] Zura
    Well, it's so cold outside.
[13:04] Zura
    Too cold to be engaging in Joi activities.
[13:07] Zura
    Though it's not just winter, since my body's starting to give out on me.
[13:13] Zura
    My back hurts, my insurance doesn't cover anything,
[13:16] Zura
    and I got weird monsters pestering me.
[13:18] ---
    A trifecta of suck.
[13:20] Shin
    Who is this old man?!
[13:21] Zura
    Honestly, I envy you, Gintoki.
[13:24] Zura
    I'm starting to think that I should have gotten a normal job.
[13:28] Gin
    No, it's the same for everyone now,
[13:30] Gin
    given the economy.
[13:32] Shin
    Hey!
[13:33] Shin
    When did this turn into a reunion for old geezers?!
[13:35] Zura
    Sakamoto's the only one of us who's doing well.
[13:38] Zura
    Takasugi went off his rocker.
[13:40] Zura
    Though his family was always rich.
[13:46] Zura
    So we work our entire lives and we're still worse off than those rich people.
[13:50] Gin
    Pretty much.
[13:52] Gin
    So we should go back to our kotatsu and rethink life.
[13:57] Shin
    How do you go back to your kotatsu?
[13:58] Shin
    Shouldn't you be going back to your hometown instead?
[14:01] Zura
    But aren't you going to settle things with Takasugi?
[14:03] Gin
    Takasugi? Who are you talking about?
[14:06] Gin
    I've forgotten who he is since he never shows up.
[14:09] Gin
    I'll just write some bad stuff about him on an online forum
[14:11] ---
    and that'll be the end of that.
[14:13] Shin
    How does that settle anything?!
[14:15] Zura
    Yeah, if we bring him in, we'll have to
[14:17] ---
    go through the trouble of a Joi past arc.
[14:19] Zura
    Do you have anything in mind?
[14:21] Gin
    Hell no.
[14:23] Gin
    What about you?
[14:24] Zura
    What actually happened in our past?
[14:27] Gin
    No kidding.
[14:27] Shin
    Shut up! Just shut up!
[14:30] Shin
    You're not supposed to say that stuff!
[14:32] Shin
    It's over!
[14:32] Shin
    This anime is falling apart!
[14:35] Shin
    Someone save us!
[14:36] Otae
    Oh, why are you making such a racket, Shin-chan?
[14:39] Kyu
    Did something happen?
[14:40] Shin
    Sis! Kyubei-san!
[14:42] Otae
    Oh, everyone's together for a New Year's party!
[14:45] Shin
    What?! It's balding hell in here!
[14:48] Shin
    Sis, stay away!
[14:51] Shin
    If you get under the kotatsu, you'll never be able to leave!
[14:53] Shin
    It'll take away all your motivation
[14:54] ---
    and turn you into a shell of a heroine!
[14:58] Otae
    You should have told me sooner!
[15:01] Shin
    Huh? Who is that?
[15:02] Shin
    Where did that old man come from?
[15:04] Otae
    I'm sick of this.
[15:05] Otae
    Why do I only get brief appearances?
[15:08] Otae
    What do you take me for?!
[15:10] Shin
    Sis?!
[15:12] Shin
    You've already mastered that style?!
[15:13] Shin
    You're more like an old man than a real old man!
[15:15] Shin
    And why won't any of you listen to me?!
[15:17] Kyu
    T-Tae-chan!
[15:19] Shin
    Kyubei-san! You're the only one who can help us!
[15:20] Shin
    Please do something!
[15:24] Kyu
    Man and woman. We can finally be together
[15:27] Shin
    How?! You're both old men now!
[15:32] Kyu
    I screwed up!
[15:35] Otae
    Now, now.
[15:37] Otae
    Forget about men and women and just relax.
[15:40] Shin
    You're nothing more than an old man now!
[15:43] Kyu
    But strangely enough, I feel satisfied
[15:46] Kyu
    A kotatsu is a mysterious thing.
[15:48] Kyu
    If I can be under the same kotatsu as Tae-chan,
[15:51] Kyu
    it doesn't matter if I'm a man or a woman.
[15:55] Shin
    I just said that you're an old man!
[15:57] Otae
    I don't think I care about reviving the dojo anymore.
[16:01] Shin
    The kotatsu has nothing to do with our dojo!
[16:04] Otae
    Honestly, I'd given up around the third year of the anime.
[16:09] Otae
    On the dojo and on my brother.
[16:11] Shin
    Why do you look so happy as you slander me?!
[16:14] Kagura
    Yeah, it's not easy to be unmarried with a kid at that age.
[16:19] Shin
    I'm not her kid!
[16:20] Kagura
    He said he would help you revive the dojo,
[16:23] Kagura
    but he just stands around while his sister works at a cabaret club.
[16:27] Shin
    Could you stop badmouthing me?
[16:29] Gin
    I've heard that he spends his time fooling
[16:32] ---
    around at some kind of odd job.
[16:34] Gin
    He's like a cancer.
[16:36] Shin
    Aren't you my boss?!
[16:39] Gin
    Why would you want to learn about samurai?
[16:41] Gin
    That's so general.
[16:43] Gin
    It's like a person who says he wants to be a musician
[16:45] Gin
    and performs on the street instead of auditioning.
[16:48] Shin
    What's wrong with performing on the street?!
[16:50] ---
    I'm gonna kill you!
[16:51] Kagura
    You'd be better off just sitting under a kotatsu.
[16:56] Otae
    That's right. Just kick back and relax.
[16:59] Shin
    It's no use! The situation's only getting worse!
[17:03] Shin
    Isn't there a savior out there to help?!
[17:05] Kondo
    Shinpachi-kun, you don't need to worry.
[17:08] Kondo
    You aren't the only ones relaxing.
[17:11] Shin
    You were down there?!
[17:13] Shin
    You two can't help! You need help!
[17:16] Shin
    These are the characters who are always failing!
[17:20] Sa
    I'm getting tired of being a stalker.
[17:23] Kondo
    It's time for us to graduate.
[17:26] Shin
    Did you forget that you just popped out from under the kotatsu?!
[17:29] Sa
    I've worked so hard to win his love.
[17:35] Sa
    I did everything humanly possible.
[17:38] Sa
    But I've finally noticed that there's
[17:40] ---
    been someone else waiting for me.
[17:44] Shin
    Nobody's waiting for you.
[17:47] Sa
    Once I realized that, I lost interest.
[17:51] Kondo
    Yeah, I know what you mean.
[17:53] Kondo
    Then the tables are turned.
[17:56] Kondo
    We've always been on the pursuing side.
[17:59] Kondo
    It feels weird to be pursued.
[18:01] Shin
    Nobody's after you!
[18:03] Shin
    And why are two bald people engaging in girl talk?
[18:07] Zura
    I see, so we're tired of pursuing and being pursued.
[18:12] Zura
    Yes, I learned that lesson the hard way.
[18:16] Zura
    When I close my eyes, I can remember
[18:18] ---
    the days spent in pursuit and being pursued.
[18:20] Shin
    Uh, Katsura-san, you've only ever been pursued!
[18:23] Shin
    You've always got the cops on your tail!
[18:25] Zura
    Then let's forget everything and relax.
[18:29] Shin
    Why are you acting like you're not a criminal?!
[18:40] Kondo
    That's right. We are no longer Shinsengumi and Joi.
[18:44] Kondo
    Starting today,
[18:48] Both
    we're lazy bums.
[18:50] Shin
    That's not touching at all!
[18:52] Shin
    You're both just failing at life!
[18:54] Madao
    Oh, everyone's here.
[18:58] Gin
    Hey, you're late, Hasegawa-san.
[19:00] Madao
    Sorry, sorry.
[19:02] Shin
    Why are you bald before you even got under the kotatsu?!
[19:05] Shin
    You didn't have any motivation to begin with!
[19:06] Shin
    And what do you mean he's late?
[19:07] Shin
    Is there some way for lazy people to communicate with each other?!
[19:10] Gin
    Okay, now that everyone's here, let's relax.
[19:19] Shin
    What the hell is this?!
[19:21] Shin
    Why do you have to act like this in the first episode of the new year?!
[19:38] Shin
    This is an anime.
[19:44] Shin
    You're supposed to move.
[19:47] Shin
    I'll kill you.
[19:54] Kagura
    Oh, sorry.
[19:58] Gin
    Uh, you're breathing on me.
[20:00] Sa
    Sadaharu-kun, could you move over a little?
[20:07] Kondo
    Wait, there's no room over here.
[20:09] Sa
    Oh, sorry.
[20:31] All
    We can't relax.
[20:33] Shin
    No shit!
[20:35] Gin
    Leave!
[20:35] Gin
    You're taking up all the space so I can't even turn over!
[20:39] Gin
    I bought this kotatsu so I could relax!
[20:42] Gin
    Why are you people trying to relax in someone else's home?!
[20:45] Madao
    You always get to relax!
[20:48] Madao
    Why don't you leave?!
[20:49] Sa
    Excuse me! This is Gin-san's home!
[20:51] Sa
    Outsiders should scram!
[20:53] Kagura
    You're also an outsider!
[20:55] Kondo
    How about we get rid of this dog first?!
[20:58] Otae
    We should kick the gorilla out first!
[21:00] Gin
    Stop whining, freaks! None of you paid for this!
[21:03] Zura
    You didn't pay anything either!
[21:05] Kyu
    I can't even get out of here!
[21:06] Kyu
    What's wrong with this kotatsu?!
[21:07] Zura
    Oh! Stop pushing!
[21:12] Gin
    Outta the way! I wanna relax!
[21:41] Gin
    Huh?
[21:42] Gin
    What were we doing?
[21:47] Gin
    Hey, Shinpa—
[21:51] Shin
    I'm too lazy to say anything.
SIGN    Odd Jobs Gin-chan Snack Otose
[21:55] All
    Sorry.
SIGN    Next Time Untitled