E91 - If You Want To Lose Weight, Then Stop Eating and Start Moving
Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:01] Kyubei
When watching TV, make sure the room is brightly lit and don't sit too close.
SIGN [Kagura hasn't been feeling well lately. Her body feels heavy. She's sluggish and is having a hard time moving.]
SIGN [What's happening to her? And is there a way out of it?]
SIGN [Odd Jobs Gin]
[01:44] Kagura
Gin-chan, where's my Health Insurance Card?
[01:47] Gintoki
Huh? Your Health Insurance Card? Why? You need to go to the hospital?
[01:50] Kagura
I haven't been feeling well lately.
[01:53] ---
My body feels heavy and sluggish. I don't even want to move.
[01:57] Gintoki
Do you have a cold?
[01:58] ---
You fall asleep under the kotatsu, sleep with your stomach exposed and live like a slob.
SIGN [Note: A kotatsu is a low, wooden table covered by a heavy blanket with a built-in heater. Used mostly in Japan.]
[02:02] ---
That's why you get sick.
[02:03] Shinpachi
You're one to talk, Gin-san.
[02:08] Shinpachi
Oh? But she doesn't have a fever.
[02:10] ---
I don't think it's a cold. I wonder what it is.
[02:13] Gintoki
She's not coughing either.
[02:14] ---
It doesn't look like anything's wrong with her.
[02:17] Shinpachi
I don't know, but something doesn't seem quite right.
[02:20] Gintoki
Maybe it's the start of a cold. Do your joints hurt or anything?
[02:24] Kagura
Yeah. It hurts right around the elastic area of my pants.
[02:27] ---
Like it's really tight.
[02:29] Shinpachi
That's scary. I think you should go to the hospital after all.
[02:32] ---
Well, the only saving grace is that you still have an appetite.
[02:40] Kagura
I-It's even hard to stand up.
[02:43] Gintoki
Hey, you okay? You seem unsteady.
[02:46] ---
Hey, put down the rice ball. Don't force yourself to eat it.
[02:49] Kagura
No! I feel incomplete without this rice ball.
[02:52] Gintoki
Man, this is worse than I thought...
[02:54] ---
Shinpachi, go ahead and meet with our client today.
[02:58] ---
I'll join you after I take Kagura to the hospital.
[03:00] Shinpachi
Okay.
[03:03] Kagura
I'm in pain...
[03:04] Gintoki
Hang in there.
[03:07] Shinpachi
What is it?
[03:08] ---
Something doesn't seem right...
[03:21] Shinpachi
Isn't she kinda big?
[03:22] Gintoki
Isn't it kinda late for that?
SIGN ["If You Want To Lose Weight, Then Stop Eating and Start Moving"]
[03:30] Kagura Narration
Really frightening changes don't suddenly happen.
[03:34] ---
They gnaw at you slowly but steadily every single day.
[03:38] Kagura Narr.
The changes are so minute that you and those around you don't notice it right away.
[03:43] ---
And by the time you notice it...
[03:44] Kagura Narr.
It's already too late. The situation has gotten to a point of no return.
[03:54] Kagura Narr.
I wish I could jump around with everyone.
[03:56] ---
I wish I could work up a good sweat with everyone again.
[04:00] Kagura Narr.
That's right, what I should be shedding is sweat.
[04:03] ---
But with this body, I can't even do that.
[04:06] ---
The only thing I'm shedding is tears.
[04:10] Kagura
The tears kept flowing as I looked back on my younger days
[04:14] Kagura
when I ate and drank in excess.
[04:17] Kagura
From ancient times, girls have been caught between food and beauty,
[04:20] Kagura
in a battle fought in Purgatory.
[04:23] ---
Being a woman means you cannot avoid this battle.
SIGN [Kodokan Dojo]
[04:26] Kagura
I want to lose weight...easily...
[04:29] Otae
Leave it up to me.
[04:31] Otae
I recommend this diet.
SIGN [Note: Otae is imitating the mouth and pronunciation of Doraemon.]
[04:33] ---
The Baagen-Dash Diet.
[04:36] ---
Regular diets are hard because you have to watch what you eat and exercise, right?
[04:41] Otae
But with this, you can lose weight easily while still eating.
[04:46] Otae
All you do is eat ice cream before every meal.
[04:50] ---
Doing so, develops a membrane
[04:52] ---
over your stomach and inhibit the absorption of the food that follows.
[04:56] ---
Isn't it amazing?
[04:57] Kagura
That is amazing.
[04:59] Otae
Isn't it?
[05:00] Kagura Narr.
That's when I learned there is no easy way to lose weight.
[05:04] ---
And people who come up with lazy ideas like that actually end up gaining weight.
[05:10] Sachan
Looks like it's all over for you guys.
[05:12] Kagura
Huh?
[05:13] Sachan
With a body like that, your lover won't be able to carry you like a princess.
[05:19] Sachan
I'm sure even Gin-san's arm would fall off.
[05:23] Otae
But don't worry I'll be the one to make Gin-san happy...
[05:29] Otae
Hey, don't break my house now.
[05:32] Kagura
At that point, we all realized...
[05:34] ---
That what we should be fighting is ourselves.
SIGN [Fasting Dojo]
[05:46] Participant A
I heard you can lose a ton of weight.
[05:47] Participant D
Did you lose weight?
[05:48] Particiapnt E
Five grams.
[05:49] Participant B
Okay then...
[05:50] Participant C
Let's work hard.
[05:51] Kagura
Wow, there sure are a lot of people.
[05:54] Otae
I hear it's a famous fasting training facility.
[05:57] ---
It's so strict a lot of people quit.
[06:00] Sachan
I wonder how many of these people will survive? Who knows?
[06:06] ---
If they're not serious about it, they should leave.
[06:08] Otae
I totally agree.
[06:10] ---
Please go home now, Sarutobi-san.
[06:12] Sachan
Just to let you know, I'm not here to lose weight.
[06:15] ---
I just came to laugh at you people.
[06:18] Sachan
My stomach isn't like this because I gained weight...
[06:21] Sachan
Shall I tell you why?
[06:23] ---
In this stomach is Gin-san's child--
[06:30] Otae
Well, looks like you gave birth to a slimy little baby. Congratulations.
[06:35] Kagura
Huh?
[06:36] Otose
Well, look here.
[06:38] Catherine
You guys are here too?
[06:40] Kagura
Granny, Catherine, what are you doing here?
[06:43] ---
That stomach... Are you constipated?
[06:44] Catherine
Obviously not!
[06:46] Otose
We've been drinking so much with our customers at the
[06:48] Otose
End of the Year and New Year's parties that before we knew it, this happened.
[06:52] Otae
Fasting at your age will put stress on your body.
[06:56] ---
Reconstructive surgery is probably a lot easier, isn't it?
[07:00] Otose
Reconstructive surgery puts a lot more stress on the body!
[07:02] ---
And what exactly do you mean by that?
[07:04] Catherine
I just want you to know that even if you lose weight, your face isn't going to change.
[07:10] ---
Ugly people are still ugly even if they lose weight.
[07:13] Sachan
Like I need to hear that from you.
[07:18] Sachan
She really was constipated!
[07:19] ---
Oh crap! Oh crap!
[07:22] Otae
Kyu-chan.
[07:24] Kyubei
Tae-chan...
[07:26] Kagura
What's wrong with your stomach?
[07:27] ---
Are you constipated too?
[07:29] Kyubei
No, I go regularly every morning.
[07:31] Otae
You don't have to answer her so seriously, Kyu-chan.
[07:34] Kyubei
Actually, I wanted to build more muscle...
[07:38] Kyubei
so I tried to reconstruct my body by putting on more weight, but I failed.
[07:42] Tojo
Young Master!
[07:43] Tojo
You don't have to lie, Young Master.
[07:46] ---
It wasn't muscle you wanted, you wanted bigger boobs and you failed--
[07:51] Tojo
It's broken. It's broken, Young Master!!
[07:55] Nun
Quiet!
[07:56] Nun
Be quiet!
[07:59] Nun
Listen up! Before we start fasting, there's something I want to tell you.
[08:05] Nun
I hate people like you.
[08:09] Nun
Indulging in your desires as you gorge on food.
[08:11] ---
Indulging in your desires as you live a lazy lifestyle.
[08:14] ---
Just look at that revolting body of yours.
[08:17] ---
That ugly overweight body...
[08:19] Nun
...is a reflection of your ugly soul!
[08:23] Nun
Listen up! Your problem isn't your weight.
[08:26] ---
It's your lack of will power!
[08:28] Sachan
That nun looks like she has the least will power of all.
[08:31] Nun
Your weak mind that can't even control your body or your lifestyle is the problem.
[08:36] Otae
Why is the head of the fasting dojo the fattest of us all?
[08:39] Nun
If you're serious about changing then you must start by hating the person you are right now.
[08:44] ---
Only by rejecting and discarding who you are now, will you be able to find a new you.
[08:49] Nun
Listen, I'm going to show you a mirror.
[08:52] ---
Spit on your reflection in this mirror and shout "beep."
[08:58] ---
Say goodbye to the ugly you.
[09:01] Nun
You start.
[09:02] Participant 1
Okay. You "beep."
[09:06] Nun
Louder.
[09:07] Participant 1
You "beep"!
[09:09] Nun
Good.
[09:10] Nun
You're next.
[09:11] Participant 2
Okay.
[09:13] Nun
Use more spit.
[09:15] Participant 2
Okay!
[09:15] ---
You "beep"!
[09:18] Nun
All right, that's the way!
[09:20] Nun
Okay, next!
[09:22] Otae
Okay...
[09:23] Nun
Why are you hesitating?
[09:25] ---
If you don't have the courage to break away from yourself,
[09:27] Nun
then you'll never be able to change...
[09:31] Otae
You "beep." Die...
[09:36] Nun
You said that to me, didn't you?
[09:38] Otae
No, I didn't.
[09:40] Nun
Like hell you didn't.
[09:41] ---
Then why do I have spit dripping down my face?
[09:44] Otae
I missed. I'm sorry.
[09:47] Nun
Hey, listen up!
[09:48] Nun
I'm gonna try this one more time.
[09:50] ---
Look into this mirror and shout "beep"...
[09:53] Sachan
You lewd "beep"!
[09:57] Sachan
Where? Where do you want me to hurt you?
[09:59] ---
Come on, say it! You ugly "beep"!
[10:02] Nun
Hey, what the hell are you doing?
[10:03] ---
You've gone too far! Is this some kind of S&M play?
[10:07] Sachan
I'm sorry.
[10:09] ---
When I saw the ugly reflection of myself in that mirror, I got excited...
[10:13] Nun
What the hell are you here for anyway?
[10:15] Nun
Here! Just spit here!
[10:17] Nun
I just said to shout "beep" really loud, that's all!
[10:20] Nun
Aim right here. Okay? Can you do that?
[10:23] Kagura
Yes, I can.
[10:25] Nun
Good. Then do it!
[10:29] Kagura
You "beep"!!
[10:38] Nun
You went too far.
[10:41] Nun
We will now start the actual fasting training.
[10:44] Nun
You may have gained weight by eating,
[10:45] Nun
but that doesn't mean you'll lose weight if you stop eating.
[10:47] Nun
It's not as simple as that.
[10:49] Nun
You have to burn fat to lose it.
[10:52] ---
In other words, you must do what you people despise the most-exercise.
[10:57] Nun
Starting today for one week,
[10:58] Nun
you will do all the chores in this temple such as cleaning and laundry.
[11:03] ---
And because this is a fasting dojo, no meals will be served.
[11:07] Nun
But in exchange, we will give you something that you people love...
SIGN [Potato Chips Consommé flavor]
[11:12] ---
We'll give each of you one potato chip.
[11:16] Kyubei
One potato chip? That's ridiculous!
[11:19] Kyubei
She wants us to survive on one potato chip for seven days?
[11:22] Kagura
Are you kidding me?
[11:24] ---
Yeah!
[11:25] Kagura
Can you make mine lightly salted?
[11:27] Otae
You're missing the point.
[11:29] Nun
Fine. You can have whatever flavor you want.
[11:31] ---
But you are not allowed to eat it.
[11:35] Nun
Whoever eats their potato chip during the week will be immediately expelled.
[11:42] Sachan
W-Wait just a minute.
[11:45] Sachan
Can you make mine soy sauce butter flavor?
[11:48] Otae
Never mind that right now!
[11:49] Otae
You mean to tell me we'll have a sour cream and onion potato chip in front of our faces,
[11:54] Otae
yet we're not allowed to eat it?
[11:56] Sachan
I see you've casually put in your flavor request.
[11:57] Otae
Then why are you giving it to us?
[11:59] ---
And how can we survive a week without food?
[12:05] Nun
I said you can't eat your own potato chip.
[12:11] Kyubei
Could it be...this is a survival game?
[12:13] Sachan
By eating other people's chips and kicking them out of the game...
[12:16] Otae
That's how we're supposed to survive for a week?
[12:18] Catherine
Fighting your friends over a chip...
[12:21] Otose
And killing each other...
[12:23] Kagura
That's... That's unheard of...
[12:27] Nun
Think of the chip as your life.
[12:29] ---
I suggest you treasure it.
[12:31] Kyubei
Wait.
[12:33] Kyubei
I...
[12:35] Kyubei
I...
[12:37] ---
...want mine to be Italian basil flavor!
[12:39] Nun
I see you're a bit of a maniac.
[12:52] End Of Part Akagura Narr.
Today is the fifth day at the fasting dojo.
[12:56] Kagura Narr.
Before the program even started, half the participants left.
[13:01] ---
They lost their fighting spirit in the face of such harsh training.
[13:04] ---
And in five days, half of the remaining participants left, too.
[13:08] ---
They gave in to hunger and reached for their potato chip.
[13:12] Kagura Narr.
There were only six participants left.
[13:19] Monk
Both your spirit and your stomach are sagging!
[13:22] ---
Stay focused!
[13:24] Kagura Narr.
In the last five days, nothing had passed through our lips.
[13:28] Kagura Narr.
The six of us have fought the temptation of the potato chip and battled with hunger.
[13:34] Kagura Narr.
We may have an enormous amount of willpower,
[13:37] Kagura Narr.
but even for us, we were approaching our limit.
[13:40] Nun
I said you can't eat your own potato chip.
[13:45] Kagura Narr.
That's what the nun said.
[13:47] Kagura Narr.
In other words, in order to survive this test,
[13:50] Kagura Narr.
we must take someone's potato chip and eat it.
[13:54] Kagura Narr.
Unfortunately, after going through five days of hell together,
[13:59] Kagura Narr.
a strange sort of bond, almost like a friendship had developed between us.
[14:03] Kagura Narr.
Apparently a strong bond is formed when people go through difficult times together.
[14:08] Catherine
What kind of music do you listen to?
[14:10] Kagura
Enka.
SIGN [Note: Enka is traditional Japanese music.]
[14:12] Kagura Narr.
This was especially true for those who didn't get along before.
[14:15] Otae
You look kinda cute today.
[14:16] Sachan
Oh come on, you're the one that's cute, Otae-san.
[14:19] Kagura Narr.
It was the same principle as "Jaian" in the movies.
SIGN [Note: Refers to "The Truth behind Jaian looking like a nice guy in the movie version" back in Ep. 63.]
[14:22] Kagura Narr.
I needed a legitimate reason to break through this friendly atmosphere.
[14:27] ---
A legitimate reason to take the potato chip.
[14:32] Kagura Narr.
Self defense.
[14:34] Kagura Narr.
This is my plan.
[14:36] ---
Leave a potato chip in front of these starved guys.
[14:38] Kagura Narr.
When they pounce on it,
[14:40] Kagura
That's mine!
[14:41] Kagura Narr.
That's when I defeat them!
[14:43] Kagura Narr.
And I'll eat their potato chip.
[14:46] ---
Someone tried to steal my potato chip so I attacked them.
[14:49] ---
No one can fault me for that.
[14:51] Kagura Narr.
However, this plan is very risky.
[14:54] Kagura Narr.
One wrong move and my potato chip could be eaten by another person.
[14:58] Kagura Narr
I cannot allow my eyes to leave the potato chip for even a second.
[15:02] ---
I cannot even blink!
[15:12] Kagura
Ca-Catherine.
[15:13] Kagura
No way!
[15:15] Kagura
What's going on?
[15:16] ---
Catherine... Catherine has already become a victim of the potato chip hunters.
[15:20] Kagura
Who did this?
[15:21] ---
From the look of things, there's no doubt that she met a potato chip hunter.
[15:24] ---
But, wait.
[15:25] ---
Who on earth would do such a thing when our bond was getting so strong?
[15:32] Kagura
I've made a huge mistake.
[15:35] Kagura
My plan was based on the fact that the six of us had formed
[15:39] Kagura
a bond and therefore could not take action against each other.
[15:42] Kagura
But...
[15:43] Kagura
what if it was their choice not to take action rather than being unable to take action?
[15:47] ---
What if being friends was all an act and there really was no bond?
[15:52] ---
What if it was all just a strategic move to get people to let their guard
[15:54] ---
down so their potato chip could be stolen?
[16:01] Otose
Good job, Catherine!!
[16:05] Otose
Hah!
[16:06] Kagura
Dammit! Even the injury was an act!
[16:09] ---
They were working together so that while one was distracting me,
[16:12] ---
the other was aiming to take my potato chip.
[16:18] Catherine (M)
You immature greenhorn!
[16:20] ---
You're a hundred years too early to try and trick us!
[16:25] Otose (M)
We haven't aged for nothing.
[16:27] ---
Sorry, but we're gonna take your potato chip.
[16:38] Catherine
What?!
[16:42] Otose (M)
These guys...with their controlled and calculated movements...
[16:45] Catherine (M)
Don't tell me...
[16:49] Otose (M)
It was a double trap from the start?
[16:52] Otose (M)
The bait was Kagura, not the potato chip.
[16:54] ---
She made us believe we won and let us take the potato chip
[16:58] ---
so we would let our guard down,
[17:00] Otose (M)
and pretended to be shaken up by the whole thing?
[17:04] Otae (M)
The most dangerous moment in hunting is the moment you've captured your prey.
[17:08] ---
The bigger the prey, the more you let your guard down.
[17:11] ---
Go read HUNTER x HUNTER, volume 3, before you try and take us on, old hags.
[17:15] Otae
Kagura-chan! Take the potato chip to a safe place while we hold them down.
[17:20] Kyubei
We'll meet at the place we discussed earlier. We're counting on you!
[17:24] Kagura
Leave it to-
[17:29] Kagura (M)
This is...!
[17:31] Kagura (M)
Natto?
[17:42] Otose
From the look of things, we expected the three of you to team up.
[17:45] Catherine
You didn't think...
[17:47] Catherine
...that we wouldn't try to get a third person to join us too?
[17:51] Kyubei
Dammit.
[17:55] Sachan (M)
You're slow! Kyubei Yagyu.
[17:57] ---
I hear you are a master swordsman with lightning fast skills,
[17:59] ---
but with that heavy body of yours, there is no way you can win against...
[18:03] Sachan
a ninja like me!
[18:09] Kyubei
Sorry.
[18:10] Kyubei
In order to train my legs,
[18:12] Kyubei
I always wear heavy weights on my body.
[18:16] Kyubei
Because of that...
[18:18] Kyubei
I didn't grow tall but...
[18:21] Otose
Sh-She's skinny!!
[18:23] Otose
So all along, her body was...
[18:26] Catherine
...just padded with weights for training?
[18:30] Otose
Then why on earth did she come to this fasting dojo?
[18:35] Kyubei (M)
To stay with Tae-chan...
[18:37] Kyubei
You've all been completely fooled.
[18:39] Kyubei
It was all a disguise to deceive you.
[18:44] Sachan
Training your body at all times.
[18:47] ---
Not only that, disguising yourself to deceive the enemy...
[18:49] ---
I expect no less from a Yagyu... But...
[18:55] Sachan
If it's body training...
[18:56] Sachan
Then I'm not about to lose to you.
[19:02] Otose
Her glasses...
[19:03] Catherine
Don't tell me those were weights too?
[19:05] Otose
Th-That's ridiculous.
[19:07] ---
It sounds like something straight out of Dragon Ball.
[19:09] ---
I've never seen this before.
[19:10] Sachan
As a ninja, if we lose to others in agility...
[19:14] ---
...then it's all over for us.
[19:16] Otose
It's over!
[19:18] Catherine
Where did you pick up garbage like that?
[19:22] Kyubei
Hey, that's my banana. Give it back to me.
[19:24] Otose
It's yours?
[19:25] ---
Why do you have a half-peeled banana on you?
[19:27] ---
Were you secretly eating it?
[19:30] Otae
From a Freudian perspective, a banana represents the male organ.
[19:35] Otae
Most likely, Kyu-chan yearns to be a man and so unconsciously
[19:38] Otae
has taken the banana and...
[19:39] Otose
Spare us the psychoanalysis.
[19:42] Sachan
In any case, I cannot afford to lose.
[19:45] Sachan
I'll stop the enemy's movements.
[19:47] ---
And while I do that...
[19:49] Sachan
You get the potato chips back.
[19:52] Catherine
Who the hell do you think you're talking to?
[19:54] Otose
Put on your glasses!
[19:55] Otose
Please! Aim at the enemy!
[19:57] Otose
It's so sticky...so sticky...
[19:59] Kyubei
Damn...you...
[20:01] Kyubei
The potato chip!
[20:04] Sachan
Hand over the potato chip.
[20:05] ---
You're not gonna make anyone happy by losing weight.
[20:07] Otae
Yeah, you're one to talk! You "beep"!
[20:17] Kagura
This is the worst!
[20:19] Otae
All the potato chips are here!
[20:21] ---
They're so close, yet so far!
[20:23] Kagura
Damn it!
[20:25] Kyubei
I'm not gonna lose!
[20:26] Otae
The potato chips are mine!
[20:28] Sachan
I'm gonna be slim...have a beautiful body!
[20:33] Otose
I'll show you a woman's pride!
[20:38] Kagura
Even I could see how bad my acting was.
[20:40] Kagura
That's right, this is a trap.
[20:43] ---
My lethal weapon of only pretending to want the potato chip
[20:45] ---
so I could draw the others to my chip.
[20:49] Kagura
My lightly salted potato chip isn't just any old lightly salted chip.
[20:54] Otae
Even I was impressed with my acting skills.
[20:57] ---
My sour cream and onion isn't just any old sour cream and onion.
[21:02] Kyubei
I was really nervous people could see right through me.
[21:05] ---
My Italian basil isn't just any old Italian basil.
[21:09] Otose
I have a hell of a lot more experience than these young gals.
[21:13] ---
My spicy hot chip isn't just any old spicy hot chip.
[21:17] Sachan
I wanted Gin-san to give me a good spanking.
[21:20] ---
My soy sauce butter chip wasn't just any old soy sauce butter chip.
[21:24] Catherine
...seaweed salt...seaweed salt.
[21:30] Kagura
Eat it if you want.
[21:34] ---
In my lightly salted...
[21:36] Otae
In my sour cream and onion...
[21:38] Kyubei
In my Italian basil...
[21:40] Otose
In my spicy hot...
[21:41] Sachan
In my soy sauce butter...
[21:43] Catherine
In my seaweed salt...
[21:45] All
...is a powerful laxative!!
[21:47] ---
Eat it and you'll be shot up to the heavens!
[21:50] Kagura
The fashionable Italian basil for me.
[21:53] Otae
Spicy hot for me.
[21:55] Kyubei
Soy sauce butter for me.
[21:56] Otose
Seaweed salt for me.
[21:58] Sachan
Lightly salted for me.
[21:59] Catherine
I'll try the sour cream and onion one.
[22:03] All
The long awaited taste of potato chips... Chew it well...
[22:07] All
Go to hell!
[22:15] Nun
I tell you. This is the easiest business ever.
[22:19] Nun
This fasting training camp or whatever you want to call it.
[22:22] ---
We collect the participation fee and our only expense is five or six bags of potato chips.
[22:26] Nun
The money keeps rolling in.
[22:28] ---
And to top it off, they even take care of the chores around the temple.
[22:31] Nun
So how did it go this time?
[22:33] ---
How many people survived after how many days?
[22:36] Monk
Well, that's the thing...
[22:37] Monk
Amazingly, we had people who completed the training for the first time.
[22:39] Nun
Huh? You serious?
[22:40] Monk
And not only that, there were six of them.
[22:41] Nun
Really? I guess where there's a will there's a way.
[24:25] Gintoki
The next episode...
[24:26] ---
"Be a Person Who Can See People's Strong Points and Not Their Weak Points."
SIGN [The man called "Turtle" has a well thought out plan and an invisible cloak.]
SIGN [He feeds only when his prey appears. His profession is a sniper who can kill with a single shot.]
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