E49 - A Life Without Gambling is like Sushi Without Wasabi

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:00] Gintoki
    And so, graduation day is finally here. This is the last class.
SIGN    [Once you graduate, you're an adult! In this episode, we'd like to introduce you to the world children cannot understand.]
SIGN    [Anime and gambling are very similar. Either it's a big hit, or you lose your shirt.]
[01:48] Narrator
    Kabukicho... Also known as the Town of Greed.
[01:51] Narrator
    Many pleasures can be found in this town. Alcohol, women...
[01:56] Narrator
    And drugs... There's nothing you can't get in this town.
[02:02] Narrator
    And tonight, these men are about to seek challenges on a whole new stage.
[02:08] Gintoki
    Are you ready?
[02:09] Hasegawa
    Yeah. Tonight, we'll say goodbye to a life of poverty.
[02:13] Gintoki
    We're gonna win! Until we get kicked out.
[02:16] Hasegawa
    Damn it! I'm gonna win more money than I could ever spend!
[02:21] Gintoki
    And we'll celebrate with Dom Perignon mixed with Dom Perignon!
[02:23] Hasegawa
    We'll drink until we have the runs!
[02:25] Gintoki/Hasegawa
    Casino, here we come!
SIGN    ["A Life Without Gambling is like Sushi Without Wasabi"]
[02:35] Dice Roller
    Is everyone ready?
[02:42] Dice Roller
    Place your bets! Odds or evens! Place your bets!
[02:46] Gambler A
    Evens!
[02:47] Gambler B
    Odds!
[02:48] Gambler C
    Odds!
[02:50] Gambler D
    Odds!
[02:51] Gintoki/Hasegawa
    Evens!
[03:04] Gintoki
    Boy, I'm glad it isn't winter. We'd be on the verge of freezing to death.
[03:08] Hasegawa
    That's for sure. Although, it's winter in our wallets again.
[03:12] Gintoki
    We sure are lucky.
[03:14] Hasegawa
    We sure are. The God of Poverty is definitely with us.
[03:19] Hasegawa
    Now that I think about it, my left shoulder's been feeling awfully heavy lately.
[03:21] ---
    Like there's someone on it... Like the God of Poverty.
[03:25] Hasegawa
    Don't you think it's drooping a bit? My left shoulder?
[03:28] Gintoki
    You worry too much. If you look too desperate, even Lady Luck will avoid you.
[03:33] Gintoki
    Lately I keep seeing this creepy old man carrying a huge sickle.
[03:37] Gintoki
    But I've decided not to worry about him.
[03:39] Hasegawa
    I think you should be worried.
[03:41] Gintoki
    See...? Speaking of the devil...
[03:43] Hasegawa
    Huh?
[03:44] Gintoki
    Behind you.
[03:48] Hasegawa
    Akuryotaisan! Youmakoufuku!
SIGN    [Note: These are all spells to cast off evil. Akuryou taisan = evil scatter/release; is a common charm from Shinto temples. Youma koufuku = phantom scatter.]
[03:50] ---
    Eromuesaimu! Tekumakumayakon!
SIGN    [Eromuesaimu is a chant from the anime "Akuma-kun." Tekumakumayakon is a chant from the anime "Himitsu no Akko"]
[03:54] Kanbei
    Look at you clowns. You either have it or you don't.
[03:56] Kanbei
    And you call yourselves gamblers.
[03:59] Gintoki
    Huh? These are...the clothes they won off us!
[04:03] Gintoki
    Who are you?
[04:07] Kanbei
    Luck's not a snack your grandma gives you.
[04:10] Kanbei
    If all you do is wait, Lady Luck won't come.
[04:13] ---
    You have to seduce the goddess of gambling yourself.
[04:18] Observer A
    He's amazing! He's been raking it in for a while now. Who is he?!
[04:23] Observer B
    Hey, that scar on his face. He might be Kanbe, the Luck Reader.
[04:28] Observer C
    "Luck reader"?
[04:29] Observer B
    The unbeatable gambler with amazing luck.
[04:32] Observer B
    A legend among gamblers! They say he can read how his luck's gonna run.
[04:35] Observer B
    He can change all odds in his favor... He's every gambler's idol.
[04:40] Observer B
    I heard he disappeared from Edo for a while.
[04:42] Observer B
    But I never thought I'd get to see him in person!
[04:54] Hasegawa
    Well, however legendary he is, I didn't know Lady Luck was such a whore.
[05:00] Hasegawa
    Hell, I've been working my butt off to woo her and she didn't even glance at me.
[05:04] Gintoki
    She's probably not interested in married guys.
[05:06] Hasegawa
    Hatsu went back to her hometown and hasn't come back.
[05:10] Hasegawa
    You'd think she could forgive me for a one-night stand.
[05:12] Gintoki
    Maybe the goddess likes the wild type, like him.
[05:15] Hasegawa
    Yeah, I'll bet she does. So I'll go wild too!
[05:19] Dice Roller
    Odds or evens?
[05:20] Gintoki/Hasegawa
    Evens!
[05:26] Gintoki
    Huh? What's wrong? Not wild enough maybe?
[05:29] Gintoki
    Can't I get more into the mood of "I don't give a damn"?
[05:33] Gintoki
    Hasegawa-san, take off your boxers.
[05:35] Hasegawa
    Huh? Hey, I don't mind, but I'm not wild, y'know.
[05:39] Hasegawa
    If anything, mine is more on the mild side.
[05:41] Kanbei
    What're you morons doing?!
[05:42] Kanbei
    And after everything I went through to get your clothes back!!
[05:45] Kanbei
    Are you stupid? Go home already! You're not suited to gambling!
[05:49] Hasegawa
    You did it on your own. I don't remember asking you!
[05:53] Gintoki
    Or what? Could it be the trick to winning Lady Luck is to look shallow but be secretly generous?
[05:58] Gintoki
    You're so full of it. But you better watch your health.
[06:02] Kanbei
    I'm not forcing myself to be kind!
[06:13] Kanbei
    There are two types of gamblers.
[06:18] Kanbei
    The first are guys who simply love to gamble.
[06:20] Kanbei
    The second type are guys who think they're cool when they gamble.
[06:24] Kanbei
    The second type makes crazy bets. He gets caught up in his own euphoria and destroys himself.
[06:29] Kanbei
    The better the gambler, the less extravagant the bets.
[06:32] Kanbei
    You don't go for it unless you know you can win.
[06:35] Kanbei
    You guys are obviously number two. Just take my advice and quit now.
[06:41] Hasegawa
    We're not number two. We're number three.
[06:43] Kanbei
    There's no such thing.
[06:44] Hasegawa
    Sure, there is. The kind who just really needs the money! The easy way.
[06:47] Kanbei
    So get a job!
[06:49] Gintoki
    Like you'd understand a laborer's feelings. Gamblers are frivolous.
[06:54] Hasegawa
    You're wrong. Life is a gamble. We're all gamblers.
[06:59] Gintoki
    Shut up.
[07:00] Kanbei
    Anyway, a gambler shouldn't hang around in the sacred gambling hall in a pair of boxers.
[07:05] Kanbei
    I won't allow you to sully this place any further.
[07:09] Gintoki
    What a strange guy...
[07:16] Hasegawa
    Huh?
[07:18] Kanbei
    Huh? How did this happened?!
[07:20] Kanbei
    Where'd I go wrong?
[07:22] Gintoki
    Hey, hey. Is it okay to dirty the sacred gambling hall with your loincloth?
[07:27] Kanbei
    Huh? You guys...!
[07:30] Gintoki
    On top of that, you sullied your name by cheating.
[07:34] Gintoki
    What do you think, Hasegawa-san?
[07:36] Hasegawa
    Trying to seduce Lady Luck with magic tricks? How pitiful. Totally pitiful.
[07:40] Hasegawa
    And you're supposed to be a legendary gambler!
[07:43] Kanbei
    Humph... I told you. You have to create your own luck!
[07:47] Gintoki
    Hey, your cool dude act won't work. Not when you're only in a loincloth.
[07:50] Kanbei
    Well, bad luck sure seems to stick to you two.
[07:54] Kanbei
    It seems you took my good fortune too.
[07:57] Hasegawa
    Aw, c'mon. Do us a favor.
[08:01] Hasegawa
    Blast away this bad luck with your little tricks and help us make some money.
[08:06] Hasegawa
    We won't say a word!
[08:08] Black Suit A
    Gentlemen...
[08:10] Black Suit A
    Please come with us.
[08:14] Gintoki
    Man. We never have any luck, do we?
[08:22] Kada
    So these are the scum who cheated in my gambling den.
[08:27] Kada
    You're pretty gutsy.
[08:30] Kada
    There's one ruler in Kabukicho and that's me, Kada the Princess Peacock.
[08:36] ---
    Trying to outwit me? I hope you're prepared to die.
[08:39] Hasegawa
    Hold it! Hold it! We didn't chea--!
[08:42] Kada
    I hate men who make excuses! And you call yourself a gambler?
[08:47] Gintoki
    Hey, hey. Talk about a goddess.
[08:51] Kanbei
    She's the female boss who controls most of the casinos in Kabukicho.
[08:54] Kanbei
    No one has ever escaped her shackles.
[08:58] Kanbei
    We're doomed to end up at the bottom of the ocean.
[09:05] Kada
    I wondered where I saw you... You're Kanbe. Kanbe, the "Luck Reader."
[09:12] Kada
    Hmm... So the legendary gambler of Edo turned out to be a mere cheater?
[09:20] Kada
    Your name had reached even my ears.
[09:24] ---
    A man who could read and change the course of luck even in the most dire situations.
[09:27] Kanbei
    That was long ago. Now, my eye has closed, and I can't read anything.
[09:33] Kanbei
    I'm just a rotten cheat.
[09:34] Kada
    Hmm... Your right eye may be closed, but it can still see luck...
[09:40] ---
    Interesting.
[09:42] Kada
    Rumors say five years ago, you lost your right eye after losing a big match.
[09:48] ---
    But surely, what your right eye can't see, your left eye can.
[09:56] Kada
    I shall give you one last chance.
[10:11] Gintoki
    This is...
[10:13] Kanbei
    It seems our last chance will be in mahjong.
[10:16] Gintoki
    Isn't it weird? Mahjong in a time slot featuring children's anime?
[10:20] ---
    Shouldn't we be having an exciting challenge with something like Kurohige Kikiippatsu?
SIGN    [Kurohige Kikiippatsu = Pop-up Pirate. A popular children's game in which you stick plastic swords into a barrel and try to eject Blackbeard the Pirate.]
[10:24] Kanbei
    Well, I'm sure there are all kinds of grown-up concerns like sponsors and things.
[10:27] Hasegawa
    Mahjong, eh? I only know the basics.
[10:31] Gintoki/Kanbei
    Huh?!
[10:32] Gintoki
    H-Hasegawa-san, you...
[10:34] Hasegawa
    Huh? What'd I do? Is there something on...
[10:37] ---
    Huh?! What's this?! What's this? Why only me?! Huh?!
[10:48] Kanbei
    You're...!
[10:49] Gintoki
    You know him?
[10:50] Kanbei
    Janki Akage. The pro mahjong player for the Kada Gang.
[10:53] ---
    He's gone twenty years without a single loss.
[10:56] ---
    He's wasted guys named Dragon and Tiger one after another.
[10:59] ---
    In the underworld,
[11:02] Kanbei
    he's a living legend.
[11:03] Akage
    Kanbe, the Luck Reader, knows about me? Now that's an honor.
[11:07] Akage
    We'll have a lot of fun today.
[11:09] Hasegawa
    In other words, if we beat you, we can leave this place alive?
[11:13] Akage
    Right... If even just one of you beats me, all three of you can go free.
[11:19] Akage
    But if you lose...
[11:21] Akage
    ...you'll become fish food in the bay of Edo!
[11:26] Gintoki
    What a farce...
[11:28] Kanbei
    Well, we have no choice, but to go along.
[11:30] Kanbei
    There's no other way to get out alive.
[11:33] Gintoki
    Still...what's that woman thinking?
[11:36] Kanbei
    I hear she loves gambling too.
[11:38] Kanbei
    She plans to enjoy watching us squirm.
[11:43] Gintoki
    What a detestable woman.
[11:46] Akage
    Okay, shall we begin? This game of life?
[12:00] Akage
    Six to the right... well, you're the parent.
SIGN    [Note: The term used is "oya" = parent; which means "dealer" in the game]
[12:03] Gintoki
    What?! What parent?! I don't remember having a naughty kid like you!!
[12:08] Akage
    Wha--? Huh?
[12:12] Hasegawa (M)
    This guy's eyes and his hand gestures... He's no ordinary guy.
[12:15] ---
    Gin-san and I are the type who will never be loved by Lady Luck.
[12:20] ---
    We have to let Mr. Luck Reader handle it.
[12:23] Kanbei
    Huh? Not again. What's with these losing tiles?!
[12:27] ---
    What'll I do?! There's no way I can win with this!
[12:30] ---
    That's why I didn't want to play. And I told you from the start.
[12:31] Hasegawa (M)
    Man, he's already talking like it's hopeless.
[12:35] Gintoki
    All right then. I guess it starts with me!
[12:39] Gintoki
    See?
[12:40] Hasegawa
    Hey, you can't do that! You can't just throw away three tiles like that.
[12:44] Gintoki
    What? I can't? So what? I don't need them.
[12:47] Hasegawa
    It's over. He doesn't know the rules. Help, someone! Please help us!
[12:53] Akage
    What a boner! The ones challenging me are total amateurs!
[12:58] Akage
    Fine, I'll let you do as you please, for a while.
[13:00] Akage
    So let's just continue like this.
[13:02] Hasegawa
    This is impossible, I tell you...
[13:04] ---
    Even if us three losers team up to beat you, we can't possibly win!
[13:07] Gintoki
    Hey, hey, what's the matter, Hasegawa-san?
[13:10] Gintoki
    The match has barely started.
[13:13] Kanbei
    Akage is being so kind. It's too early to throw in the towel.
[13:17] Gintoki
    Absolutely. Gambling isn't over until it's over.
[13:22] ---
    I'm gonna shoot to win, my way!
[13:26] Hasegawa (M)
    Wh-What's with this baseless confidence?! But his eyes look unwavering.
[13:31] Hasegawa (M)
    Maybe something's gonna happen...
[13:34] Akage
    Mahjong!
[13:36] Akage
    SHOUSANGEN HONITSU HANEMAN.
[13:40] Hasegawa
    I knew it was hopeless!! It's no good.
[13:43] Hasegawa
    We didn't have a chance!
[13:44] Hasegawa
    I was a fool to even think it for a second!
[13:47] Kanbei
    Now, now, don't get too dismayed.
[13:49] Kanbei
    This is just one game we lost.
[13:52] Hasegawa (M)
    That's right. We still have Mr. Luck Reader.
[13:56] ---
    The man with amazing luck who can turn the tide!
[13:59] Akage
    Mahjong!!
[14:00] Kanbei
    Huh?
[14:01] Akage
    JUNCHANSANSHOKU OYAMAN.
[14:04] Hasegawa
    Aww, come on! We can't! We can't win!
[14:08] Akage
    Pong!
SIGN    [Note: The following are all mahjong terms which lead to winning the game.]
[14:09] Akage
    Chow!
[14:10] Akage
    Mahjong!
[14:11] Akage
    Kong!
[14:11] Akage
    Akari!
[14:13] Akage
    Reach!
[14:14] Akage
    Draw!!
[14:15] Akage
    KANPIN SANSHOKU DORADORA HANEMAN!
[14:22] Akage
    It's over. Each of you has zero points. Meaning you have nothing.
[14:27] ---
    There's nothing you can bet with anymore.
[14:29] Gintoki
    Zero or nothing. So what?! A man doesn't win with points!
[14:34] Akage
    Hmm... Then what will you do?
[14:44] Gintoki
    Well, I'm not going to lose the next one.
[14:46] Hasegawa
    Huh?! Strip mahjong?!
[14:49] Kanbei
    Tet-chan and Ken-chan used to say in the old movies...
SIGN    [Note: This refers to the yakuza movies of Tetsuya Watari and Ken Takakura]
[14:53] Kanbei
    "When you lose, you lose your shirt."
[14:55] Hasegawa
    Who are they?
[14:58] Akage
    Sounds like fun. Fine. Let's continue.
[15:01] ---
    I'm already close to winning it all.
[15:03] Hasegawa
    Huh?!
[15:04] Kada
    The most important thing for a gambler is guts.
[15:08] Kada
    He seems to be overflowing with that.
[15:11] Kada
    However, gambling is not so easy that you can win with just guts.
[15:18] Kanbei
    C-Calm down, you guys. One must not lose his cool, ever, in gambling.
[15:24] ---
    Even if you are surrounded in flames, you must keep calm and concentrate.
[15:29] Hasegawa
    I'm so cool my entire body is frozen!!
[15:33] Kanbei
    It's cold...
[15:35] Akage
    Well now, it seems you have nothing else to strip.
[15:39] Kada
    It's almost over. How boring.
[15:43] Kada
    I thought I could enjoy this a bit longer.
[15:47] Kada
    To think, this is all the Luck Reader had.
[15:52] Akage
    Playtime is over. Next, it's your life. Sorry, but I'm gonna settle this.
[16:04] Hasegawa (M)
    He's the legendary Janki, after all. He's in a different class from us. This is it...
[16:13] Gintoki
    Say mister, I wanted to ask you one thing.
[16:17] Gintoki
    When your right eye was still good, were you really able to see luck?
[16:22] Akage
    He probably cheated. But relax. I'll be the legend from today on.
[16:28] Gintoki
    Shut up! You be quiet!
[16:31] Kanbei
    Hah! If I could see luck, I wouldn't be one-eyed today.
[16:37] Yakuza
    Kanbe, your man did a terrible thing. How will you settle this?!
[16:44] Kanbei
    There's one thing I can say...
[16:47] Yakuza
    By the way, Kanbe. I hear you have a very interesting right eye.
[16:52] Yakuza
    That you can read luck.
[16:58] Kanbei
    I've always made choices I didn't regret.
[17:02] Yakuza
    Smash it. If you want him to live, gouge out that right eye!
[17:07] Kanbei
    I've always done as I pleased. In gambling and in life.
[17:15] Akage
    Humph, and this is the result?
[17:17] ---
    In essence, a cheater, that's all you were. And I'll prove it right now!
[17:25] Akage (M)
    You're mine! Now I'll stop their breathing.
[17:30] Akage
    Reach!
[17:31] Gintoki
    Mahjong!!
[17:35] Gintoki
    Atari.
SIGN    [Note: chiitoitsu = seven pairs]
[17:37] Hasegawa
    CHIITOITSU. Damn right! He's got it!
[17:40] Akage
    Wh-What?! How?! I thought you didn't even know the rules!
[17:46] Gintoki
    No, I don't. That's why I moved as I pleased.
[17:49] ---
    I just realized that I had completed my tiles.
[17:52] ---
    Besides, I don't like you.
[17:54] ---
    As long as you don't beat me, I don't give a damn about the rest.
[17:57] Akage
    Th-That's so ridiculous...
[18:02] Kanbei
    He really is ridiculous. But just now, the current of Luck changed.
[18:07] Gintoki
    Let's go, mister.
[18:10] Kanbei/Gintoki
    The counter move begins!
[18:12] Gintoki
    MENTANPIN Dragon Dragon Punch!
SIGN    [Note: Dragon Punch refers to a term in the Drxxon Ball anime]
[18:15] Kanbei
    TONNANSHAPEI RINSHAN Release!!
SIGN    [Note: "Release" refers to a term in the Naxxto anime]
[18:18] Gintoki
    Taihai! Shanpai! Chonbo! Furiken! Noten! Mopai!
[18:22] Gintoki/Kanbei
    Double East Double South Double Reach Kick!!
[18:25] Gintoki
    We're no small fries! We just ain't!
[18:32] Gintoki
    Now we're all naked. Let's settle it with the next game.
[18:39] Akage (M)
    I can't lose. She doesn't permit losing.
[18:43] Akage (M)
    If I lose now, I'll be killed.
[18:47] Akage (M)
    I'll do whatever it takes to win.
[18:49] Akage (M)
    Whatever it takes!
[18:56] Akage
    I guess I underestimated you guys. But this is it.
[19:01] ---
    I'll finish you off with this one deal.
[19:03] ---
    I'll send both you and Kanbe to hell!
[19:07] Akage (M)
    I can't change my strategy now.
[19:11] Akage (M)
    But I still have a trick or two left.
[19:15] Akage (M)
    Sorry, but you're gonna have to disappear!
[19:20] Akage
    Lethal weapon! Giant Tiger Illusion Tiles!
[19:24] Akage (M)
    I can pull 1000 tiles per second! No way you can see my moves!
[19:32] Gintoki
    Oh sorry... I was sitting for so long, my legs started to hurt.
[19:35] Gintoki
    It wasn't on purpose. No really.
[19:38] Hasegawa
    Oh man, this is terrible. Let's put the tiles back. I'll help.
[19:44] Akage
    S-Stop!
[19:46] Akage
    No, it's nothing.
[19:50] Akage (M)
    Damn! A few of the tiles ended up in the wrong position.
[19:54] Akage (M)
    Especially that row they piled back up.
[19:58] Akage (M)
    I have to get it back!
[20:00] Akage (M)
    It's all right. I'll just delay a few of my moves.
[20:04] Akage (M)
    Here I come!
[20:06] Gintoki
    Bring it on!
[20:14] Hasegawa
    Huh?!
[20:16] Hasegawa
    Huh? What's this called? Hey, I just...
[20:20] ---
    I'm the dealer, so I was about to get rid of a tile and...look. It's all in place.
[20:26] Hasegawa
    See... They're all paifu tiles.
[20:29] Kanbei
    That doesn't matter. If you've reached haipai...
[20:33] Kada
    Heaven's hand?
[20:36] Kada
    Good fortune bestowed upon man by Heaven.
[20:39] Akage
    Huh?! Heaven's hand?! Impossible! How can that be?!
[20:45] Hasegawa
    So at the end of the end, Lady Luck had a one night stand with me!
[20:51] Gintoki
    You did it, Hasegawa-san! I always knew you were someone who could do it!
[20:56] Akage
    How can this happen?! Where did I go wrong?
[20:56] Hasegawa
    I feel like my life has changed. Maybe Lady Luck will love me forever.
[21:04] Kanbei
    Hah! That's life.
[21:11] Hasegawa
    Say Gin-san, let's go celebrate before Lady Luck turns away from me.
[21:15] Gintoki
    Sounds good. How about we splurge on Dom Perignon with Dom Perignon?
[21:19] Kanbei
    Take it easy...
[21:24] Kada
    You're hopeless.
[21:38] Kada
    That's why gambling is...
SIGN    [Thank you for your support this past year.]
SIGN    [Please continue to watch.]
[24:18] Gintoki
    Anyway, you guys have to repeat the grade. So come to class another year!
SIGN    Everyone, repeat one year.
[24:25] Shinpachi
    Gin Tama begins another year!
[24:27] Gin Tama
    But before that, there's something to do!
SIGN    [After overcoming a reorganization, there's a new ordeal?]
SIGN    [What happens to Gin Tama has not been determined yet. This is not a final decision.]