E30 - Even Teen Idols Act Like You Guys

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    [Tsu Terakado]
SIGN    [To All NEET Guys Throughout the Country.]
SIGN    [Her long-awaited new single...]
[00:13] Narration
    Tsu Terakado's third single, "Your Older Brother's a Hikikomori."
SIGN    [Tsu Terakado's third single: Your Older Brother's a Hikikomori.]
[00:19] Otsu
    We're so annoyed now, so go and do some volunteer work!
SIGN    [Tsu receives a threatening letter. A mystery shadow lurks.]
SIGN    [Today's "Gin Tama" is a mystery story. Who could the culprit be?!]
SIGN    
[02:09] Omittedgroupie A
    The President's crying! Incredible!
[02:11] Sergeant
    Otsu's new song must be her greatest hit ever!
[02:15] Shinpachi
    Yeah, it moves me even more than her other songs.
[02:18] ---
    Maybe it's her best since "Your Father's a Bleep Bleep"?
[02:21] Sergeant
    I hear she's appearing on "Utatte Iitomo."
[02:24] Groupie A
    Otsu-chan's becoming more and more famous.
[02:27] Shinpachi
    I'm happy that Otsu-chan will become a star, but on the other hand, it's a bit sad...
[02:34] Shinpachi
    What's wrong, Sergeant?
[02:36] Sergeant
    P-President... check this out.
SIGN    [Lead Singer of Boy Band "Hansamu"! Goemon's Hot New Love Reveled! Late Night Date with Idol Tsu Terakado!]
SIGN    ["Even Teen Idols Act Like You Guys"]
[02:53] Gintoki
    What's the big deal?
[02:54] Gintoki
    Who cares about a kid's puppy love?
SIGN    
[02:57] ---
    More importantly, what happened to my drama rerun?
[03:00] ---
    What happened in the battle between Pinko and Harue?
[03:02] Kagura
    Just when Pinko and Harue were about to finally have their showdown,
SIGN    
[03:06] Kagura
    the fearsome Alien Emperor attacked Earth.
[03:08] Kagura
    Pinko and Harue joined forces to defeat the Emperor. The end.
[03:11] Gintoki
    Are you serious?! How do you know that?
[03:13] Kagura
    Yesterday was the final episode. Right, Sadaharu?
[03:17] Gintoki
    Oh my god!! I totally missed it!
[03:19] ---
    You mean I'll never get to see Pinko again?
[03:22] Kagura
    Never mind that... Shinpachi's been acting strange.
[03:25] Kagura
    He keeps tearing days off the calendar.
[03:28] Gintoki
    Hey, doing that isn't going to get you into another dimension.
[03:32] Gintoki
    Stop running from reality.
[03:34] Gintoki
    This is what happens when you fall in love with an idol.
[03:36] Announcer
    Next in the news...
[03:37] ---
    Know your place.
[03:38] ---
    This just in! Popular weather announcer lady...
[03:38] ---
    I'm a fan of the weather lady, but I know better...
[03:41] Gintoki
    Ketsuno was married last month.
[03:43] Kagura
    Great, now both of them have disappeared into another dimension.
[03:49] Kagura
    Oh, even when he's zoning out, his body automatically reacts to a potential job!
[03:56] Shinpachi
    We don't need any newspapers.
SIGN    
[03:59] Shinpachi
    Otsu-chan.
[04:04] Gintoki
    "Break up with the guy, or I'll kill you berry much"?
[04:08] Gintoki
    Is the writer of this witless note one of your fans?
[04:11] Otsu
    Several letters like this have been sent to my agency.
[04:15] Otsu
    It freaked me out, so I told my dad. He said you'd help me.
[04:19] Gintoki
    That father of yours... Is he doing well?
[04:30] Otsu
    Yes. When I told him about these death threats, he lost it-threatened to break out of prison again.
[04:35] Gintoki
    We'd better do something before your father does something stupid.
[04:38] Otsu
    So you'll help?!
[04:41] Gintoki
    But the problem is, the list of suspects includes all of your fans.
[04:45] Otsu
    I have a feeling it's probably someone in the business...
[04:50] Otsu
    Ever since these letters started coming in, strange things have been happening around me.
[04:56] Otsu
    It...happens only at the TV station and on location.
[05:04] Otsu
    No ordinary fan would have access to do those things.
[05:08] Kagura
    Break up with him.
[05:11] Kagura
    Break up with him, and everything will work out.
[05:15] Otsu
    I-I don't want to. I can't imagine doing that.
[05:18] ---
    He's the only guy in show biz who's ever been nice to me!
[05:22] Kagura
    Bah! Guys are always nice to hot girls!
[05:27] Shinpachi
    If we can't narrow down the suspects, then all we can do is stick close to you and protect you.
[05:30] ---
    I, Shinpachi Shimura, will protect you with my life!
[05:35] Gintoki
    He's back.
[05:40] Shinpachi
    Come on, you two! Let's get going.
[05:42] Gintoki
    The incidents aren't happening at her office.
[05:45] Shinpachi
    What's with that costume?
[05:47] Shinpachi
    Huge ears! Oversized nostrils!
[05:50] Gintoki
    My name is Ishihara, just like the Edo governor.
[05:52] Shinpachi
    That was difficult to tell!
[05:54] ---
    And what are you supposed to be, Kagura-chan?
[05:55] Kagura
    Giba-chan, from "The Suspect."
[05:58] Gintoki
    So, you must be "The Negotiator."
[06:00] Shinpachi
    I'm not Santa Maria!
[06:05] Gintoki
    Ohh... Is that her boyfriend?
[06:07] Kagura
    Goemon, lead singer of the nationally popular boy band, "Hansamu"?
SIGN    
[06:11] Gintoki
    You sure know a lot. You're a big fan, aren't you?
[06:14] Kagura
    I'm not interested in boy singers. A man's worth is determined by his "flavor."
[06:18] Goemon
    Otsu-chan. I think it'd be wise to not see each other for a while, you know.
[06:22] Otsu
    What? But why, Goemon-san? I don't want to do that.
[06:26] Goemon
    I don't want to be apart from you, either, you know.
[06:29] ---
    But it isn't wise to disappoint our public too much.
[06:35] Goemon
    I know better than you how valuable, and how frightening, fans can be, you know.
[06:39] ---
    Let's give it some time.
[06:42] Goemon
    Don't worry, once interest dies down in the tabloids...
[06:44] Goemon
    we'll be able to see each other every day.
[06:47] Otsu
    Goemon-san...
[06:59] Cameraman
    Nice, Otsu-chan. You're the best in Japan!
[07:01] ---
    Next, let's have a world's-best look!
[07:03] Otsu
    Right!
SIGN    
[07:06] Mother
    You people again? What is it this time?
[07:09] Shinpachi
    It seems Otsu-san is being threatened.
[07:11] ---
    We've been hired to guard her and solve the case.
[07:14] Mother
    Otsu went and did something unnecessary again.
[07:17] Shinpachi
    What? What do you mean?
[07:19] Mother
    A threat letter or two happens all the time with celebrities.
[07:23] ---
    If we worried about every single one, we wouldn't make it in this business.
[07:27] Shinpachi
    But weren't you the one who showed the threat letter to Otsu-chan?
[07:31] Mother
    What I wanted, was for her to be a bit more conscientious of who she is.
[07:36] Mother
    But I guess it was a waste.
[07:38] Mother
    Who knows what she'll do about that scandal.
[07:42] Mother
    Anyway...
[07:43] Mother
    go ahead, but don't interfere with her work, please.
[07:48] Kagura
    What're we going to do, Taka?
[07:49] Gintoki
    Let me think about it, Yuji.
[07:51] Gintoki
    We'll start by checking out Himuro and Samejima of the Ryujinkai.
[07:55] ---
    We should be able to shake a few skeletons out of their closets.
[07:57] Kagura
    Okay.
[07:59] Gintoki
    Watch out!
[08:00] Shinpachi
    Who's Himuro?! Who's Samejima?!
[08:32] Catherine
    Get home safely, guys!
[08:37] Shinpachi
    My investigation has uncovered... Several possible suspects.
[08:41] Shinpachi
    The first, is TV personality, Tamo-san.
SIGN    
[08:43] ---
    A multi-talented TV personality who can do just about anything, including, emceeing.
[08:47] Shinpachi
    Otsu-chan says he wears a toupe, so he has a grudge against her.
[08:51] Shinpachi
    This is Mu-san, an ad agency producer.
SIGN    
[08:54] ---
    He's approached Otsu-chan on several occasions.
[08:57] Shinpachi
    According to my research, he's into girlie photo mags. And then there's...
[09:01] Shinpachi
    Osamu Nabe, the director.
SIGN    
[09:03] ---
    He's infamous in show biz for always laying his hands on the leading actresses.
[09:08] Shinpachi
    Eiji Funagoe, the top actor of suspense roles.
SIGN    
[09:13] ---
    Word is there were plans for a collaboration with Otsu-chan, but it was canceled.
[09:16] Shinpachi
    Kukeko Kaki, the actress.
SIGN    
[09:19] ---
    She's always complaining that her roles suffer because of Otsu-chan.
[09:23] Shinpachi
    These are the five main suspects.
[09:25] Gintoki
    Softie. You're such a softie, Shinpachi.
[09:29] Gintoki
    Certainly those people are suspects, as well.
[09:31] ---
    But you're forgetting the biggest suspect.
[09:35] Shinpachi
    The biggest suspect?
[09:37] Gintoki
    That's right.
[09:38] ---
    He's always in the shadows of every incident.
[09:41] ---
    You're forgetting the fellow who everyone has seen at the scene of a crime!
[09:47] Kagura
    Who is it?!
[09:48] Shinpachi
    The mystery shadow.
[09:49] Gintoki
    That's right... The mystery shadow appears in every detective or mystery manga.
[09:54] Gintoki
    He always appears when they don't want to reveal who the culprit is,
[09:56] Gintoki
    but want to show what's happening.
[09:59] Gintoki
    That mystery shadow.
[10:01] Shinpachi
    Who're you?!
[10:03] Gintoki
    I am ace detective, Sleepy...
[10:05] Shinpachi
    Don't go through the trouble! Stupid!
[10:07] Shinpachi
    Where'd you get him from?
[10:10] Gintoki
    He was passed out drunk downstairs at Otose's. He looked the part, so I...
[10:14] Shinpachi
    You're gonna get sued someday.
[10:17] Omittedomittedomittedomittedomittednabe
    Cut!
[10:18] ---
    Okay!
[10:22] Nabe
    All right, Otsu-chan. Good job.
[10:24] Otsu
    Good job, everybody. Thank you very much.
[10:28] Assistant Director
    All right. Next let's set up scene 12.
[10:34] Gintoki
    Listen, Mu-san is supposed to be at this shoot.
[10:39] ---
    Keep a sharp lookout.
[10:40] Kagura
    But I haven't seen Mu-san for a while.
[10:44] Assistant Director
    H-Help!
[10:48] Assistant Director
    The...the producer, Mu-san, is...!
[10:59] Shinpachi
    H-He's...
[11:08] Shinpachi
    What's an open-air spa doing at the edge of a cliff?
[11:12] Gintoki
    Everyone, what do you make of this case?
[11:16] ---
    It began with a single threat letter, but now we have a victim.
[11:21] ---
    The perpetrator is no doubt gloating about his perfect crime.
[11:27] ---
    Those dazzling serial murders...
[11:28] ---
    The mystery shadow approaches...
[11:30] ---
    And the trick to a murder committed in a sealed room with no exit.
[11:35] ---
    The secret will be revealed after this commercial break.
[11:38] Shinpachi
    What serial murders?! This isn't a sealed room!
[11:51] Shinpachi
    Why was Mu-san...?
[11:53] Kagura
    All right, we'll take it from here.
[11:55] Gintoki
    We're taking this case. Don't touch anything unnecessary and don't destroy evidence.
[12:00] Shinpachi
    You're the ones who're unnecessary!
[12:04] Kagura
    Sea...
[12:07] Kagura
    ...louse...
[12:10] Gintoki
    It's his dying message!
[12:11] Shinpachi
    Stop messing up the investigation!
[12:18] Otsu
    Goemon-san! Right now? I'm at a hot spa for a drama shoot...
[12:24] ---
    Oh you...
[12:27] ---
    Sure, I'll do my best.
[12:29] ---
    How about you? Oh, that's great!
[12:42] Gintoki
    What a dufus.
[12:44] Gintoki
    You knew you were gonna get hurt if you stuck your nose into this-you saw it coming.
[12:48] ---
    You should've behaved yourself and stayed at home-peeling the pages of your calendar.
[12:51] Shinpachi
    I told you I was going to protect Otsu-chan.
[12:53] Gintoki
    Trying to show off is a waste of time.
[12:56] ---
    A girl in love is like a wild boar-it only looks forward.
[13:01] Shinpachi
    It's not like that at all....
[13:03] Shinpachi
    I owe Otsu-chan my life.
[13:11] Shinpachi
    It was before I met you, Gin-san.
[13:13] ---
    I was still working part-time jobs.
[13:15] ---
    I wasn't good at anything I did and was always getting scolded by the manager.
[13:19] Shinpachi
    I was sick of everything and I was about to throw it all away and...
[13:24] Shinpachi
    That's when I heard her.
[13:36] Shinpachi
    To be honest, I didn't know what she was singing about,
[13:41] Shinpachi
    and there wasn't an audience, but when I saw her singing her guts out...
[13:47] Shinpachi
    my eyes teared up.
[14:02] Otsu
    Thank you...
[14:06] Shinpachi
    Otsu-chan probably doesn't even remember me, but she made me feel a lot better that day.
[14:13] Shinpachi
    Anything at all.
[14:15] Shinpachi
    If there's anything I can do, I want to do it to pay her back for her kindness.
[14:19] Shinpachi
    This is all I can do, but I want to help her any way I can.
[14:26] Gintoki
    I get it.
[14:27] Gintoki
    If that's how you feel, then I have nothing more to say.
[14:31] Kagura
    Gin-chan, Gin-chan, big news!
[14:34] Kagura
    Pinko's here!
[14:36] ---
    Pinko's here to tape "In This World, There are Only Demons, You Bastard!!"
[14:40] Gintoki
    What? Pinko...! I want...
[14:42] Gintoki
    your autograph!
[14:46] Shinpachi
    Oh...the broadcast of "Utatte Iitomo" is ending soon.
[14:50] Shinpachi
    Better use the john now.
SIGN    [In This World, There are Only Demons, You Bastard!!]
[14:59] Pinko
    Dad! Two dads?
[15:01] Harue
    Which one is the real one?
[15:03] Pinko
    How'd this happen?
[15:05] Harue
    Sugako! This is all Sugako's fault!
[15:07] Kazuki
    What good is that going to do?
[15:09] Gintoki
    I think I know what happened.
[15:16] Goemon
    I never imagined it would turn into a fiasco like this, you know.
[15:20] Goemon
    That chick will never learn to shut her hole in front of reporters, you know!
[15:24] Shinpachi (M)
    "You know"? Could that be...
[15:26] Goemon
    I haven't even groped her yet. This is ridiculous.
[15:31] Goemon
    I'm signed up to do the Taiga soap next year, too.
[15:34] ---
    That's right. So I figured I better take care of this first.
[15:38] Goemon
    Women with no experience are no fun, after all, you know.
[15:41] Goemon
    She fell in love with me right away just because I was nice to her, you know.
[15:45] Otsu
    He's the only guy in show biz who's ever been nice to me.
[15:50] Goemon
    That woman? I don't really care, you know.
[15:53] Goemon
    She'll just disappear... anyway...
[15:58] Goemon
    Wh-Wh-Who are you?!
[16:01] Shinpachi
    You...call yourself human?
[16:04] Shinpachi
    You're mother...
[16:06] Shinpachi
    is a bleeping bleep!
[16:14] Nabe
    Hey, come on.
[16:17] ---
    Enough of this. My schedule's full.
[16:18] Funagoe
    We may not look it, but we're very busy.
[16:21] Kaki
    That's right. You might be a detective or something, but frankly, you're a nuisance.
[16:26] Funagoe
    By the way, Tama-san, why're you on the set of a drama?
[16:29] Tamo-San
    What? I'm, you know, the storyteller.
[16:32] Mother
    I told you from the beginning not to get in our way.
[16:36] Gintoki
    Well, I wanted to stay out of your way,
    but I found out who the culprit is.
[16:43] Gintoki
    Let's make it quick and get it over with.
[16:47] Gintoki
    The culprit is...
[16:52] Gintoki
    You!
[16:54] Funagoe
    What're you talking about?!
[16:56] ---
    I'd have no reason to do such a thing!
    I'm the one who solves the riddles.
[17:02] Gintoki
    That's what all criminals say.
[17:05] Gintoki
    You're panicking and starting to sweat, Funagoe-san.
[17:09] Funagoe
    If you're going to accuse me, show me some proof first! Proof!
[17:12] Gintoki
    Proof...proof, you say...
[17:15] ---
    You're the culprit!
[17:17] Gintoki
    That mole is suspicious.
[17:19] Kaki
    I have an alibi.
[17:21] Gintoki
    Oh, I see. Then...
[17:25] Gintoki
    You're the culprit.
[17:26] Tamo-San
    That's not possible.
[17:28] ---
    Are you just saying these things because you feel like it?!
[17:31] Gintoki
    No, it's not really that, but...
[17:33] Kagura
    I've seen through everything you've done!
[17:38] Tamo-San
    Who're you?
[17:40] Kagura
    Who am I?
[17:41] Kagura
    I am the Sensei of criminal tricks.
[17:43] Gintoki
    Hey, you've got channel 10 and channel 4 mixed up!
[17:46] Shinpachi
    I already know who the culprit is.
[17:50] Gintoki
    That's...
[17:52] Kagura
    Goemon.
[17:53] Funagoe
    What is this? What's going on?
[17:54] Mother
    The second victim.
[17:56] Shinpachi
    No. This isn't a victim.
[17:59] Shinpachi
    I heard him talking in the john.
[18:01] ---
    This guy is a scumbag who toyed with Otsu-chan's heart.
[18:05] ---
    A scumbag playboy who considered the scandal with Otsu-chan a nuisance.
[18:09] Kagura
    Then, he is the culprit?
[18:11] Shinpachi
    Well...
[18:14] Gintoki
    That was...
[18:15] Shinpachi
    Otsu-chan!
[18:22] Shinpachi
    You're!
[18:23] Shinpachi
    The mystery shadow!
[18:24] Gintoki
    It really does exist. How about that? It really exists.
[18:27] Mother
    Otsu, are you all right?!
[18:29] Otsu
    Help me!
[18:30] Mystery Shadow
    Look! A UFO!
[18:32] Gintoki
    After him, Shinpachi!
[18:33] Shinpachi
    Right!
[18:40] Gintoki
    Stop!
[18:44] Seinosuke Nakajima
    This is fine work...
[18:48] Nakajima
    The treasure... The treasure!
[18:52] Ketsuno Announcer
    Tomorrow, we will continue to see...
[18:55] Director
    Commercial! Cut to commercial!
[19:04] Gintoki
    Give it up already!
[19:08] Mystery Shadow
    He missed me...
[19:18] Kagura
    Hey, you! Show your true self!
[19:21] Mystery Shadow
    No, I've been like this from birth. I'm an Amanto.
[19:25] Gintoki
    Huh? What do you mean?
[19:27] Mystery Shadow
    Uh...I'm at a loss to explain.
[19:30] Mystery Shadow
    My form doesn't change when light shines on me.
[19:35] Otsu
    I know you! I've seen him before.
[19:37] ---
    Everywhere I went there was always somebody who looked like him.
[19:41] Mystery Shadow
    I'm not anyone suspicious.
[19:43] ---
    I'm just a fan of Otsu-chan.
[19:46] ---
    I've been after her for several weeks in order to get her autograph.
[19:49] Gintoki
    In other words, a stalker.
[19:51] Kagura
    You're complicating things, idiot!
[19:53] Gintoki
    H-Help me!
[19:55] Gintoki
    You must be the culprit!
[19:57] ---
    You messed up her dressing room and sent that death threat letter!
[19:59] Mystery Shadow
    What're you talking about?!
[20:00] ---
    I did rifle through her dressing room,
    but I never sent any letter.
[20:05] Otsu
    Then who sent the death threat letter?
[20:08] Shinpachi
    Who would benefit from Otsu-chan and that guy breaking up?
[20:13] ---
    Hmm, that would be Otsu-chan herself.
[20:17] Shinpachi
    The letter was sent by whoever wishes the most for Otsu-chan's happiness.
[20:23] ---
    That would be...
[20:29] Shinpachi
    you.
[20:33] Mother
    Yes...that's right.
[20:36] Otsu
    You, Mo...?
[20:38] Mother
    I told you: I just wanted to give her a warning.
[20:44] ---
    Just as you people said, that Goemon is the lowest form of scumbag.
[20:49] ---
    Like me, that girl has no luck with men, and she's stubborn to boot.
[20:55] Mother
    There isn't a parent around who doesn't think of their child.
[20:57] ---
    But there are also few children who understand their parents' feelings.
[21:01] ---
    That's common sense.
[21:03] Shinpachi
    Next time, convey your feelings in a more normal fashion.
[21:08] Mother
    We're both rather clumsy.
[21:14] Shinpachi
    Who are you?!
[21:19] Otsu
    I see. I understand...
[21:22] Shinpachi
    Otsu-chan, I...
[21:26] Otsu
    Forget it. Forget it. I'll be fine-I'm used to it.
[21:30] ---
    I have bad luck with men.
[21:32] ---
    The person I fell in love with before was Hard Gay.
[21:35] Shinpachi
    Hard Gay?!
[21:37] Otsu
    My mother was worried about me, but I was a fool.
[21:40] ---
    Men dump me, and I've lost popularity as a pop star.
[21:50] Otsu
    I've...lost everything.
[21:55] Shinpachi
    Otsu-chan, I...
[21:57] Groupies
    President!!
[22:02] Sergeant
    We came to help out.
[22:03] Groupie B
    It's not fair that you're hogging all the glory!
[22:06] Groupie A
    We're prepared to stand guard all night long.
[22:08] Otsu
    All of you!
[22:10] Shinpachi
    I'm afraid we're all very tenacious fanboys.
[22:14] Shinpachi
    But we're not going to stop idolizing you over a little scandal or two!
[22:22] Otsu
    Thank you, Shinji-kun.
[22:24] Shinpachi
    It's Shinpachi.
[22:31] Mu-San
    Oh, I just passed out in the hot spa.
[22:36] Gintoki
    This has been Ginzaburo Yakihata.
SIGN    
[24:10] Otae
    Gin-san has amnesia?!
[24:12] ---
    You mean he's forgotten me?
[24:14] ---
    Don't give me that!
[24:16] ---
    You mean, I remember him, but he forgot me?! That sucks!
[24:20] ---
    Who does he think he is?!
[24:20] Gintoki
    The next episode: "You Always Remember the Things that Matter the Least."
SIGN    [Shinpachi and Kagura do everything they can to help Gintoki remember.]
SIGN    [Will Gintoki's memory return? If it doesn't...]
[24:35] Mu-San Shinpachi
    Not too many extras lately, huh?
[24:38] Gintoki
    Yeah.