E28 - Good Things Never Come in Twos (but bad things do)

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:01] Shinpachi
    This is the death match arena, Rengokukan.
[00:04] Shinpachi
    We rampaged through it and broke everything.
[00:06] Shinpachi
    But it belonged to the behind-the-scenes Tendo sect, who also controls the Bakufu government.
[00:10] Shinpachi
    Will we be all right?
SIGN    [Matsudaira and Kondo were summoned by the "Tendo Sect," a group who controls the Bakufu behind closed doors.]
SIGN    [Will they be able to get pass all those assassins and reach the castle?]
[01:51] Ketsuno
    Here's the weather for today in Edo. We'll see a clear autumn sky all day.
[01:58] Ketsuno
    Since Autumn weather changes like a woman's heart, please don't blame me if it rains.
[02:06] Ketsuno
    Now it's time for Dark Astrology with Ketsuno.
SIGN    [Ketsuno Announcer]
SIGN    [DARK ASTROLOGY]
[02:18] Ketsuno
    Today's worst misfortune is reserved for...
[02:21] Ketsuno
    Virgos. Everything will go wrong today.
[02:25] Kondo
    Gee, what a downer to start the day.
[02:28] Ketsuno
    Especially the ones with goatees who are brushing their teeth right now...
[02:33] Ketsuno
    They will die today.
[02:35] Kondo
    What?!
[02:36] Ketsuno
    The lucky color that will bring you fortune is red.
[02:38] Ketsuno
    Plus the red will make the blood less obvious.
[02:42] Kondo
    What kind of luck is that? There's nothing lucky about that!
[02:45] Ketsuno
    Have a wonderful day!
[02:47] Kondo
    There's no way I will!
[02:49] Kondo
    That damn show! It's so stupid.
[02:52] Kondo
    There's no way that could be true.
[02:55] Kondo
    If all the Virgos disappeared, we'd be left with a savage society run by old men. Right, Sogo?
[03:02] Okita
    Here take this. I used this red loincloth as a kid. Don't worry, I washed it.
[03:12] Kondo
    What do you mean, "don't worry"? Why would I worry?
[03:14] ---
    Can you believe this guy, Toshi?
[03:18] Hijikata
    Take this. I used this red scarf a long time ago.
[03:26] Kondo
    Hey, stop it. What...? What happened? Or rather, what will happen?
[03:34] Matsudaira
    You effing Gorilla!!
[03:45] Kondo
    Ma-Matsudaira!
[03:49] Matsudaira
    Get up, you Gorilla dumbass! If you don't stand up in three seconds, I'll blow your brains out!
[03:55] Matsudaira
    Say...
[03:56] Matsudaira
    One...
[03:57] Kondo
    What happened to two and three?!
[03:58] Matsudaira
    I don't need those numbers. Number "one" is all a man needs to live.
[04:04] Kondo
    But you just said you'd give me three seconds!
[04:07] Kondo
    What was that?! Even if you're the chief of police, you can't just do anything you want!
[04:11] Matsudaira
    What are you talking about? Because of you, this old man's...this old man's head will roll.
[04:20] Kondo
    Huh?! What are you talking about?
[04:23] Matsudaira
    When I picked you guys up off the street...how many years ago was that anyway?
[04:31] ---
    Perhaps it was a mistake to force you to work under me.
[04:37] Matsudaira
    I wish I could start over again. I wish I could start from scratch.
[04:41] Matsudaira
    If it's possible, I'd like to start again, back when you were in your old man's jewels.
[04:46] Kondo
    What do you mean?
[04:47] Matsudaira
    I told you not to cause trouble.
[04:50] Matsudaira
    I already knew you guys were morons,
[04:53] Matsudaira
    but I never thought you'd get involved in the Rengokukan.
[04:56] Kondo
    The ring of what? Look, I don't even wear rings!
[05:01] Matsudaira
    Neither do I, moron! And I'm not talking about rings.
[05:05] Matsudaira
    My goodness! I still have a mortgage to pay!
[05:09] Matsudaira
    There'll be no money left, not with my daughter's overseas education or my wife's spa treatments!
[05:13] Matsudaira
    What are you gonna to do about that?!
SIGN    ["Good Things Never Come in Twos (but Bad Things Do)"]
[05:25] Kondo
    What! The Tendo sect?!
[05:27] Kondo
    I heard a rumor that the Tendo sect controls the Shogun and is the real power behind the Bakufu!
[05:33] Matsudaira
    Don't talk so damn loud! And yeah, that's right!
[05:36] Matsudaira
    They control the Shogun and are the real power behind the Bakufu!
[05:40] Kondo
    You're the one who's loud! And you're making an assertion about the Tendo sect.
[05:42] Matsudaira
    I'm saying that you were meddling in their territory!
[05:48] Kondo
    What?! You say we mixed up with Tendo business?!
[05:53] Matsudaira
    Hey, hey, you're so transparent.
[05:56] Matsudaira
    I know you're pretending you don't know. How 'bout I shoot you, huh? Should I?
[06:00] Kondo
    Th-They did this... While I was gone...
[06:05] Kondo
    So, we were called in...to be punished?
[06:11] Matsudaira
    I bet we're an eyesore for them, but I don't think it will come to that.
[06:17] Matsudaira
    Doing anything to us publicly will be the same as admitting
[06:20] Matsudaira
    they were involved with the Rengokukan.
[06:23] Matsudaira
    What I would rather concern myself with is that
[06:25] Matsudaira
    they called us over to the castle on a pretext, perhaps so they could
[06:28] ---
    get the two of us together and then - Bam!
[06:31] ---
    Shoot us from a hiding place.
[06:34] Ketsuno
    Virgos...
[06:36] ---
    are going to die today.
[06:41] Matsudaira
    And, they'll say some Anti-Foreigner Faction did it.
[06:46] Kondo
    I'm going home!
[06:48] Matsudaira
    What are you doing?!
[06:49] Kondo
    No! I don't want to die with an ugly old coot like you!
[06:52] Kondo
    I want to die with my head on Otae-san's lap!
[06:55] Matsudaira
    Idiot! Dying is part of the Bushido code!
[06:59] Kondo
    No way! I prefer more publicity than the Bushido code! I mean, I love it!
[07:04] Matsudaira
    Listen! If we work together, we could reach the castle without dying.
[07:09] Matsudaira
    If we can do that, we'll win! It's not like they'll call us in and kill us. We'll survive!
[07:14] Kondo
    We'll survive?
[07:14] Matsudaira
    Maybe...
[07:15] Kondo
    Let me go home!
[07:19] Matsudaira
    Calm down! Everyone dies, anyway.
[07:21] Matsudaira
    The important thing is how you live your life!
[07:23] Kondo
    No! I want to have my life full of joy and girls!
[07:27] Matsudaira
    It all depends on your fortune. Believe in your fortune.
[07:32] Kondo
    Fortune.
[07:33] Kondo
    Hey old man... What's your sign?
[07:37] Matsudaira
    Huh? Virgo.
[07:39] Kondo
    What a disaster!
[07:41] Kondo
    It's 100 percent certain that we're going to die! It's a death drive! It's hopeless!
[07:44] Matsudaira
    Calm down! If you don't, I'll snag a booger from your big nose and shove it back up!
[07:47] ---
    I wanna go home! No!
[07:50] Kondo
    Shut up! I can't believe you're a Virgo!
[07:53] Kondo
    You don't act like one at all!
[07:54] Kondo
    You must've been born under the sign of the Yakuza!!
[07:58] Matsudaira
    I don't want to hear that from you!
[08:00] Matsudaira
    Why don't I shoot you into space right now?! You could be a new sign!! Gorilla Major!
[08:05] Tashiro
    Y-You two, please calm down...!
[08:13] Hasegawa
    Hey, hey, hey, hey! Look where you're going while you're driving!
[08:16] Hasegawa
    Give me a break!
[08:19] Matsudaira
    You're an assassin, aren't you?!
[08:21] Hasegawa
    What?!
[08:22] Matsudaira
    You're an assassin, right? Say it! I bet you're an assassin.
[08:25] Hasegawa
    W-W-What are you talking about?! I'm...
[08:31] Hasegawa
    Hey, you!
[08:33] Hasegawa
    What are you thinking?!
[08:46] Matsudaira
    Hey, let me drive now. From here on it's a war zone. You go home.
[08:51] Tashiro
    All...right...
[08:52] Kondo
    Boss, what are you doing?! He looked like a normal man!
[08:56] Matsudaira
    Idiot! He wore sunglasses. So he was an assassin.
[09:01] Kondo
    Eh?!
[09:02] Matsudaira
    Anyone who wears sunglasses is an assassin, nine times out of ten.
[09:06] Kondo
    You're wearing them, too!
[09:08] Matsudaira
    This is just between you and me...
[09:11] Matsudaira
    You know Tama-san from "Go on, Sing," right?
[09:14] Matsudaira
    He's also an assassin.
[09:15] Matsudaira
    So is the world-famous Kurosawa, Madam Junko and Hama-Sho, detective of the shotgun.
[09:20] Matsudaira
    Don't tell anyone this.
[09:22] Kondo
    There's no way I could tell anyone that! It's just an old man's stupid imagination!
[09:24] People
    He's still alive!
[09:27] Sachan
    Um... Excuse me.
[09:30] Sachan
    I'm late because I dropped my glasses back there.
[09:34] Kondo
    Who the heck are you?!
[09:35] Sachan
    I don't know. If my glasses break, I won't be able to see anything, I can't even see what I mean.
[09:41] Kondo
    Hey...you need to figure it out...
[09:43] Sachan
    Oh! Are you the driver's pet? Like a gorilla or something? What kind?
[09:48] Sachan
    Like that car, Gorilla Mark II?
[09:50] ---
    Oh, good boy.
[09:52] Kondo
    I'm a human.
[09:54] Matsudaira
    Don't worry, she's on our side. Here, Sachan, you get one of these too.
[10:01] Matsudaira
    She's my old friend.
[10:03] Matsudaira
    She's a freelance killer, but she used to be an elite Oniwabanshu.
[10:09] Matsudaira
    To kill an assassin...use an assassin!
[10:12] Sachan
    Matsudaira-sama,
[10:14] Sachan
    what's this? I can't see clearly.
[10:16] Kondo
    Hey, watch out!
[10:18] Sachan
    Oh? Is this a Jintan dispenser?
[10:19] Sachan
    They're great for reducing sleepiness and preventing bad breath.
[10:23] Kondo
    No, no! In fact, it stops your breath!
[10:25] Sachan
    It's a weird shape. If I press here, will a Jintan come out?
[10:31] Kondo
    Stop! I'll give you something better than a Jintan.
[10:34] Sachan
    Stop! Don't touch me! I've already given my heart to another!
[10:39] Kondo
    Geez! Why did this ditz have to come with us?
[10:42] Matsudaira
    Shut up! You're ruining my concentration.
[10:45] Kondo
    W-Watch out!
[10:54] Kondo
    H-Hey! Did we hit something? Boss! You just hit something!! It went flying!!
[10:59] Matsudaira
    Yeah, that was an assassin too.
[11:02] Kondo
    You liar! You just made that up!
[11:05] Sachan
    Anyone who makes a living from the misery of others is an assassin.
[11:09] Kondo
    You, shut up!
[11:10] Sachan
    ...Who's this guy? Why is he ordering me around?
[11:14] Sachan
    There's only one person in the world who can order me around or tie me up.
[11:18] Sachan
    But how strange... I find I love to hear harsh words.
[11:21] Kondo
    Just shut up! Please!
[11:24] Sachan
    Now what? Now you are begging? You shifted your gear to reverse?
[11:27] Sachan
    I can't keep up with you.
[11:28] Sachan
    But I see you're trying.
[11:30] Kondo
    I'm not trying. You've got the wrong idea.
[11:33] Kondo
    Like a girl who learns how to be stylish when she hits puberty!
[11:41] Katsura
    You hurt Elizabeth! I won't forgive you.
[11:49] Matsudaira
    Just as I thought...you've come for me, assassin!
[11:54] Kondo
    We're scraping the wall! Sparks! On both sides of the car!
[11:57] Matsudaira
    Do you see my driving technique?
[12:00] Kondo
    That's no technique! I felt like we were at a private death picnic!
[12:03] Matsudaira
    Come on, shut up.
[12:05] Kondo
    Hey! Watch out ahead!
[12:07] Matsudaira
    Don't worry, I can drive like Schumacher!
[12:15] Matsudaira
    That was close. Just as I expect from an assassin.
[12:18] Kondo
    What? Where's the assassin?! That was clearly a one-car accident.
[12:22] Sachan
    The kinder he is, the more he blames himself and the more he hurts himself.
[12:27] Kondo
    What are you going to do now? We don't have any transportation.
[12:37] Sachan
    That's...
[12:38] Matsudaira
    It's an emergency. We should requisition that bicycle.
[12:43] Kondo
    Wait! I have a bad feeling about that bicycle.
[12:47] Sachan
    Punishment, right? I want to be punished.
[12:50] ---
    Punishment!!
[12:53] Kondo
    Cut it out, already!
[13:09] Kondo
    What a mess!
[13:12] Kondo
    Now we just have to reach the castle safely for the sake of the owners of this bicycle.
[13:20] Sachan
    Why?
[13:21] Sachan
    All of a sudden, I see nothing but darkness ahead.
[13:25] Sachan
    Is this a reflection of my soul? Or a picture of my mind?
[13:28] Sachan
    No! Sachan, don't melt into the darkness. Open up! I have to do it by myself.
[13:33] Sachan
    There!
[13:34] Kondo
    Right there!
[13:40] Sachan
    It disappeared! My darkness disappeared!
[13:45] Kondo
    I can't stand it. I should've gone home.
[13:55] Otose
    What the heck is that?
[13:58] Catherine
    It's like a washed-up celebrity who thinks she's in Karuizawa.
[14:04] Otose
    A washed-up celebrity would be better.
[14:06] Otose
    I don't know what I should do about these downtrodden people who live above my bar.
[14:10] Catherine
    They came up with so many excuses again today.
[14:12] Catherine
    But now, I've reached the end of my patience.
[14:16] Otose
    That's not something for you to say.
[14:18] Matsudaira
    Hey, Kondo.
[14:20] Kondo
    Yes.
[14:21] Matsudaira
    Can't you see? They're assassins.
[14:24] Kondo
    What? No way!
[14:26] Matsudaira
    You didn't know that? Look at their fearful aura. There's no doubt.
[14:31] Sachan
    I can see it, too.
[14:33] Kondo
    What?!
[14:34] Sachan
    Those movements...
[14:35] Sachan
    Only people who carry the weight of sadness on their shoulders do that.
[14:37] Sachan
    It's the ultimate esoteric technique.
[14:39] Kondo
    I can't see it! I don't know! What do you see, guys?!
[14:42] Matsudaira
    Let's kill them before they kill us!
[14:56] Otose
    Bicycles belong on the road!
[14:59] Matsudaira
    All right.
[15:05] Matsudaira
    Things like this just happen.
[15:07] Kondo
    No way!
[15:08] Matsudaira
    It's because I was really scared. I'm an old man who thought he would wet his pants.
[15:13] Kondo
    Well, your eyes are all teary.
[15:21] Hata Oji
    There, there.
[15:23] Stalkkeeper
    How many would you like, Amanto-san?
[15:26] Hata Oji
    Jii, all of them. I'll buy everything.
[15:30] Jii
    You are a NEET, a loser and a parasite. You're awesome.
[15:36] Hata Oji
    All right. All right.
[15:42] Matsudaira
    I finally found you, assassin.
[15:44] Kondo
    That's enough... I won't say anything else.
[15:47] Hata Oji
    W-What are you doing?! I'm Prince Hata!
[15:50] Matsudaira
    Huh? Baka?
[15:51] Hata Oji
    Not baka, Hata! Ha-ta. Jii, do something!
[15:55] Jii
    Yes, sir.
[15:58] Jii
    Umm...
[15:59] Jii
    I'm sorry! Please just save me!
[16:03] Matsudaira
    All right. But in exchange, can I take your car?
[16:06] Jii
    If you save me!
[16:10] Matsudaira
    We don't have time. Hurry.
[16:12] Kondo
    All right!
[16:13] Sachan
    Why did you let those two go?
[16:17] Matsudaira
    Because they were just small fries.
[16:21] Kondo
    Hi, you're shopping here, too?
[16:23] Kondo
    What a surprise to see you in this kind of place.
[16:26] Kondo
    As I thought, you and I are destined to be together, Otae-san.
[16:29] Otae
    Oh, no. A gorilla escaped from the zoo.
[16:33] Otae
    I should call the National Hunting Association and have him shot.
[16:36] Otae
    Let's see...The number is..."animal smile extermination."
[16:42] Kondo
    O-Otae-san! Are you kidding me? It's me, Isao! Your Isao!
[16:47] Otae
    Such a bad gorilla! He's threatening me! Stop acting so sassy toward humans!
[16:51] ---
    I'll show you!
[17:01] Ketsuno
    Today's worst misfortune is reserved for Virgos. You'll die today.
[17:07] Kondo
    ...will die today...
[17:09] Shinpachi
    Sister! He's not a gorilla! He's Kondo-san! Not a gorilla!
[17:15] Otae
    Oh my, if it isn't Kondo-san.
[17:17] Shinpachi
    It was always him, Sis.
[17:21] Matsudaira
    I'll shoot you if you don't start driving by the time I count to ten.
[17:24] Matsudaira
    Ten.
[17:26] Kondo
    You even didn't count! I'm sure you didn't!
[17:29] Otae
    Almost.
[17:30] Kondo
    Otae-san, what did you just say? How can you say something that bad so easily?
[17:40] Kagura
    I know! This chuka-don is from Horaiken.
[17:43] Kagura
    This Neapolitan sauce is from Kitchen Bambi.
[17:45] Kagura
    And this miso soup is from Matoi Suchi. I noticed they've changed the broth.
[17:49] Musashi
    You're amazing, Kagura-chan!
[17:52] Kagura
    Call me "Ultimate Tongue."
[17:57] Matsudaira
    Running out of gas?! I bet you're an assassin!
[18:01] Sachan
    Yeah. He turned into a gorilla before we knew it.
[18:04] Kondo
    B-Boss! Please calm down. It's my life's wish!
[18:09] Matsudaira
    How many "life's wishes" do you have?!
[18:12] Kondo
    It's my first! My first!
[18:15] ---
    There!
[18:17] Kondo
    That's it!
[18:19] Kondo
    Whoa!
[18:21] Kondo
    Roar!! Amazing gorilla power!!
[18:26] Matsudaira
    Oh, no. He admitted he was a gorilla.
[18:29] Sachan
    Well, it's better for him to realize who he is than never know at all.
[18:32] Kondo
    By the way, how can you just relax?
[18:40] Katsura
    You can't escape from me. Divine retribution!
[18:44] Sachan
    Oh, my! What a giant jintan!
[18:46] Sachan
    If it's big like this, it'll save the whole city from bad breath.
[18:50] Kondo
    Whoa! A bomb!
[18:51] Kondo
    Run! Hurry!
[18:53] Sachan
    By the way, where're my glasses? My glasses...
[18:56] Kondo
    Just throw it!
[18:58] Sachan
    Here we go! Get down everyone!
[19:02] Gintoki
    Huh? Oh? You...
[19:13] Gintoki
    ...Eh? What? My booger? Did my booger do that?!
[19:24] Matsudaira
    It's time.
[19:45] Matsudaira
    Chief of National Police, Katakuriko Matsudaira.
[19:49] Matsudaira
    And Shinsengumi chief, Isao Kondo.
[19:52] ---
    You summoned us?
[19:56] Tendo Sect A
    Yes. Good.
[19:58] Tendo Sect A
    Today, I've called you here because of the incident that occurred the other day.
[20:02] Tendo Sect A
    I'd like to discuss the illegal fight arena, Rengokokan.
[20:07] Tendo Sect A
    What happened to you?
[20:10] Kondo
    Nothing. Just some trouble making doughnuts.
[20:14] Tendo Sect B
    Got into another fight, again?
[20:17] Tendo Sect C
    Samurai are simply irrepressible.
[20:21] Tendo Sect C
    I've heard only thirty of your men crushed Rengokukan.
[20:26] Tendo Sect B
    There're so many cowardly samurai these days, but you did an awesome job.
[20:32] Tendo Sect A
    Yes...you were quite impressive.
[20:35] Tendo Sect A
    It's thanks to you we have such a serene balance between Amanto and Earthlings.
[20:41] ---
    Thank you...
[20:43] Tendo Sect A
    But you'd better not get ahead of yourselves and be too eager for success.
[20:47] Tendo Sect A
    I understand your sense of justice, but if you bite just anyone,
[20:52] Tendo Sect A
    you might be biting the tail of a wolf instead of a dog.
[20:59] Tendo Sect A
    Do you understand what I'm saying?
[21:00] Tendo Sect A
    Piss off the big guys and they'll wipe you out.
[21:05] Tendo Sect A
    If you want to have a long life, you'd better learn how to live smart.
[21:15] Matsudaira
    We barely survived...
[21:17] Kondo
    Hey, I wonder if we misunderstood their intentions from the beginning...
[21:21] Matsudaira
    That was a really fierce fight. One of the top 5 death matches of my life.
[21:27] Kondo
    Hey...I think if you hadn't been with me, I would've easily reached the castle.
[21:32] Matsudaira
    Please make this the last time. I have a family.
[21:38] Matsudaira
    My daughter has a new boyfriend, who is a girly-boy.
[21:42] Matsudaira
    This will be the last chance for you.
[21:45] Matsudaira
    If something like this happens again, you're...
[21:48] Kondo
    Yeah...I understand.
[21:50] Kondo
    I'm sorry I caused you so much trouble, Boss.
[21:54] Kondo
    We'll be more careful next time.
[22:01] Matsudaira
    As long as you understand.
[22:09] Kondo
    Oh, yeah. The horoscope...
[22:13] ---
    Just as I thought, that was a fake horoscope.
[22:15] Kondo
    "Virgos will die", as if!
[22:18] Kondo
    That pony is...!
[22:18] Otae
    Kagura-chan...
[22:20] Kondo
    Otae-san! What a coincidence to see you again!
[22:31] Otae
    Oh, yeah! What a surprise!
SIGN    
SIGN    Whoa! Health, health me!
[24:13] Gintoki
    What's the matter, Kagura?
[24:14] Kagura
    Something black and shiny is in my room!
[24:17] Gintoki
    Hey, how can you be the strongest girl in space and be scared by something like that?
[24:20] Gintoki
    The next episode: "I Told You to Pay Attention to the News!"
SIGN    [And a second episode: "Don't Panic - There's a Return Policy!"]
SIGN    [The enchanted sword known as the "Star Destroyer"! Will the secret of the wooden sword be revealed?!]
[24:35] Gintoki
    Hey, Shimura. Behind you.
[24:37] Shinpachi
    Huh? Oh...
SIGN    [Actual episode is uncensored.]