E249 - Presents Are Meant To Be Given Early

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Shinpachi Shimura
    Visits the World
[00:01] Shin
    Oh, hello. This is Shinpachi Shimura.
[00:03] Shin
    The Odd Jobs member who hasn't
    been on screen for a month.
[00:08] Shin
    In this show, I usually
    play a straight man.
SIGN    Filmed in Tokyo
[00:18] Shin
    Hey!
[00:19] Shin
    Cut it out!
[00:21] Shin
    This is supposed to be anime!
[00:22] Shin
    It's been weeks since my last appearance!
[00:23] ---
    You could at least draw me!
[00:25] Shin
    I'm easier to draw than the
    pattern on Gin-san's clothes!
[00:27] Shin
    I take less lines to draw
    than the Shinsengumi uniform!
[00:30] Shin
    When did I go from someone recognized
    by his glasses to just glasses!
[00:34] Gin
    Well, at least you aren't
    recognized by your nipples.
[00:36] Shin
    There aren't any Jump characters
    recognized by their nipples!
[00:38] Shin
    And there never will be!
[00:39] Shin
    This doesn't count as
    a live-action segment!
[00:41] Shin
    The only thing glasses and nipples
[00:42] ---
    have in common is the fact
    that they come in pairs!
[00:46] Kagura
    You finally get some screen
    time and all you do is blab.
[00:50] Shin
    That's not my fault!
[00:51] Shin
    How am I supposed to stay quiet?!
[00:53] Shin
    Hey! Hold on!
[00:54] Shin
    It's been a while, so
    let me rant some more!
SIGN    The End Glasses provided by Animate Costume Museum ACOS
[02:29] Ana
    Today will be the coldest
    day yet this winter.
[02:33] Ana
    Make sure you dress warmly
[02:36] ---
    so you don't catch a
    cold before Christmas.
[02:38] Gin
    You got it!
[02:39] Ana
    Please have a wonderful day!
[02:43] Gin
    I will!
[02:44] Kagura
    Go find work, you bum.
[02:47] Shin
    Gin-san, it's a little early for you
    to be making so much noise over there.
[02:51] Gin
    Ana Ketsuno is talking to me.
[02:53] ---
    I can't just ignore her.
[02:55] Kagura
    He's been like this ever
    since that Onmyoji mess.
[02:58] Kagura
    He thinks that Ana Ketsuno is
    talking to him through the TV.
[03:02] Kagura
    That smile is for me.
[03:04] ---
    Her words are for me.
[03:06] Kagura
    He's out of his mind.
[03:08] Shin
    Hey, you sound like a pathetic fan.
[03:11] Shin
    That's the kind of stuff stalkers say.
[03:14] Gin
    But she was looking at me.
[03:17] Gin
    What do you want me to do?
[03:18] Kagura
    Are you stupid?
[03:20] Kagura
    She's not going to fall for you
    because you helped out once.
[03:23] Kagura
    TV personalities go out
    with baseball players
[03:27] Kagura
    and have shotgun marriages
    with J Leaguers.
[03:29] Kagura
    They're brutal athletes who
    chase more balls than the players.
[03:33] Kagura
    They wouldn't be interested
    in your dirty balls.
[03:36] Gin
    Ana Ketsuno is different!
[03:38] Gin
    She's as stoic as the pit traps
    in the Road to Rhone, you idiot!
[03:45] Ana
    It's time for today's black horoscope!
[03:48] Ana
    Today's lucky sign is
[03:50] Ana
    Libra.
[03:53] Ana
    Yes, you with the curly hair, dumb face,
[03:56] ---
    and a toothbrush in your mouth.
[03:58] Gin
    H-Hey, look!
[03:59] Gin
    She's talking about me!
[04:00] Gin
    Who else could she mean?!
[04:02] Ana
    You just might receive a
    wonderful present today.
[04:05] Ana
    Something good will come.
[04:06] Gin
    P-Present?
[04:08] Gin
    Like a love, love letter?
[04:11] Ana
    And your lucky item is a bright red...
[04:15] Gin
    Bright red?
[04:18] Gedo
    Club.
[04:21] Gin
    Saber!
[04:25] Shin
    Y-You're...
[04:28] Gedo
    It's been a while, Gintoki-sama.
[04:31] Shin
    Gedomaru-san!
SIGN    Presents Are Meant To Be Given Early
SIGN    Odd Jobs Gin-chan Snack Otose
[04:39] Gin
    Uh...
[04:41] Gin
    So what?
[04:42] Gin
    You're the wonderful present?
[04:45] Gedo
    I'm not a present.
[04:47] Gedo
    I have merely returned.
[04:49] Gedo
    As I said before, the pact
    makes you my other master.
[04:55] Gedo
    I have merely come back to where I belong.
[04:58] Gedo
    Please make yourself at home.
[05:02] Gin
    Uh, that's what your master
    is supposed to say!
[05:04] Gedo
    Oh, were you having breakfast?
[05:07] Gedo
    Sorry, now it looks like
    I'm here for a free meal.
[05:12] Gedo
    Then I'll help myself.
[05:15] Gin
    That's not breakfast!
[05:16] Gin
    Why are you here?!
[05:18] Gin
    How is this a wonderful present?!
[05:20] Gin
    This is like Zombie Express.
[05:22] Kagura
    Gin-chan, who is she?
[05:24] Shin
    Huh? You don't remember her?
[05:27] Shin
    This is the shikigami Gedomaru-san.
[05:30] Shin
    You just mentioned the battle
[05:32] Shin
    between Ana Ketsuno's family, the
    Ketsuno clan, and the Shirino clan.
[05:37] Shin
    This is Ana Ketsuno's shikigami
    who fought alongside Gin-chan.
[05:40] Kagura
    Oh, she's that one girl.
[05:42] Kagura
    There was a lot happening near
    the end of the first season,
[05:46] ---
    so I forgot about her.
[05:48] Shin
    What's that?!
[05:49] Shin
    That sounds like something one of the
[05:51] ---
    staff members on this show would say!
[05:55] Kagura
    This is all I really
    remember from that arc.
[05:57] Shin
    That dumb joke?!
[05:58] Kagura
    So why is a character
    from the first season
[06:00] Kagura
    showing up around the same
    time two years later.
[06:03] Gin
    She probably tried to sneak in an
    appearance since we're busy again.
[06:08] Gin
    Nobody invited you here.
[06:09] Gin
    Pay me for the damage to the TV and scram!
[06:11] Gin
    That's an order!
[06:14] Gedo
    Then...
[06:15] Gedo
    Please sign here and then we can
SIGN    Shikigami Divorce Gedomaru Gintoki Sakata
[06:17] ---
    let our lawyers work out the details.
[06:19] Gedo
    How does two hundred million
    sound as a settlement?
[06:21] Gedo
    It's not easy for a shikigami
    who's been divorced.
[06:25] Gin
    Why are you making it sound
    like this is a marriage?!
[06:27] Gin
    Is this some kind of new scam?!
[06:29] Gedo
    That's too bad.
[06:32] Gedo
    I came here to make Christel-sama happy.
[06:35] Gedo
    Sigh, if you had cooperated,
[06:38] ---
    Christel-sama would have fallen
    head over heels for you.
[06:42] Gin
    H-Hold on!
[06:43] Gin
    What did you just say?
[06:45] Gin
    Hey! Wait up!
[06:46] Gin
    Please wait, my master!
[06:51] Gin
    Huh?
[06:52] Gin
    A Christmas present?
[06:55] Gedo
    That's right.
[06:57] Gedo
    We shikigami wish to give
    our master a present
[07:01] ---
    to show our appreciation.
[07:03] Shin
    Shikigami?! Isn't that
    the wrong religion?!
[07:06] Shin
    And aren't demons supposed
    to be anti-Christmas?!
[07:10] Kagura
    Don't bring that up, Shinpachi.
[07:13] Shin
    Huh? Really?
[07:14] Kagura
    First, you should mention how this is a
    weird time to air a Christmas episode.
[07:18] Kagura
    They should have used Valentine's
    or White Day instead.
[07:22] Shin
    You weren't supposed to say that!
[07:23] Shin
    Everybody knows that Jump and the
    anime are on different schedules!
[07:27] Shin
    We aired a Christmas episode
    in March two years ago!
[07:31] Shin
    And when the second season started,
[07:33] ---
    we aired a New Year's episode in April!
[07:35] Shin
    Anyway, enough about Christmas.
[07:38] ---
    What's the problem?
[07:40] Gedo
    As you already know, I
    am a combat shikigami.
[07:44] Gedo
    I don't know what present
    will make her happy.
[07:48] Gedo
    So...
[07:50] Gin
    I see.
[07:51] Gin
    So you wanted advice from
    the natural playboy Gin-san.
[07:56] Shin
    Gedomaru-san, he spends his time
    playing pachinko by himself.
[08:01] Gin
    Well, in that case, I'm
    willing to help you out,
[08:05] Gin
    but what do I get out of it?
[08:07] Gedo
    I'll hand your present to Christel-sama too.
[08:11] Gin
    Aha! That works!
[08:13] Gin
    Hey, I thought you were
    just a rotten joke,
[08:16] ---
    but you have a sweet side.
[08:18] Kagura
    I'm impressed. You can be cute.
[08:21] Gedo
    It's like watching Gian
    in Doraemon movies.
[08:24] Gedo
    One day of agony and
[08:26] ---
    the other 364 days of
    tyranny are forgiven.
[08:30] Shin
    She's rotten to the core!
[08:33] Shin
    Oh, well.
[08:34] Shin
    Let's get going then!
[08:36] Shin
    I'll buy something for Sis!
[08:37] Kagura
    Hey, that's no fair!
[08:39] Kagura
    Gin-chan, please buy me something!
SIGN    Santa Festival
[08:42] Kagura
    Hey, there's a Santa Festival over there!
[08:45] Shin
    I'm sure we'll find some wonderful
    presents there, Gedomaru-san!
[08:48] Shin
    What are you two doing? Hurry up!
[09:00] A
    Lombroso.
[09:15] Gedo
    What's wrong, you guys?
[09:17] Shin
    Uh, well...
[09:19] Shin
    I thought we were heading
    towards a Santa Festival?
[09:23] Shin
    I could have sworn there was a Santa
    Festival here a few seconds ago.
SIGN    Satan Festival
[09:29] Both
    Huh?
[09:30] Gedo
    Oh, you must have read the sign wrong!
[09:33] Shin
    The hell we did!
[09:34] Shin
    When did Santa turn into Satan?!
[09:37] Shin
    Where did all these evil
    creatures come from?!
[09:39] Shin
    This is like an anti-Christmas pow-wow!
[09:43] Gedo
    It appears after sensing my vast power,
[09:46] Gedo
    they broke through the barrier
    and opened the gates.
[09:49] Gedo
    We are currently standing where
    the Santa Festival is being held,
[09:53] Gedo
    but we are in a completely
    different dimension.
[09:56] Gedo
    The demon world.
SIGN    Beware of pets!
[09:57] Shin
    This show is turning into
    a different anime again!
[10:00] Gin
    Pachi-boy, check it out.
[10:02] Gin
    They mixed up Christmas and Halloween.
[10:05] Shin
    Mixed them up?!
[10:06] Shin
    They're the real deal!
SIGN    Satan Festival
[10:08] Shin
    We've ended up in a Satan Festival
    instead of a Santa Festival!
[10:11] Shin
    We don't have time to look
    for Christmas presents!
[10:14] Kagura
    Does it even matter?
[10:15] Kagura
    It's like the difference
    between Hagiwara and Ogiwara.
[10:17] Shin
    They're completely different!
[10:19] Gin
    Santa and Satan.
[10:20] Gin
    One brings dreams, the
    other brings despair.
[10:24] Gin
    They're more or less the same.
[10:25] Shin
    They're not the same!
[10:26] Shin
    If you consider them similar,
    everything's similar!
SIGN    Roast Minotaur
[10:28] Kagura
    I want some minotaur!
[10:30] Gedo
    As expected, Gintoki-sama
    does not fear any devil.
[10:34] Shin
    Don't just admire him!
[10:35] Shin
    We're in trouble!
[10:36] Shin
    We can leave, right?!
[10:38] Shin
    We're safe, right?!
[10:39] Gedo
    Actually, the foreign devils
    have been invading our turf,
[10:41] Gedo
    much like what is happening
    in the real world.
[10:44] Gedo
    Satan's getting a little cocky.
    I should teach him a lesson.
[10:48] Shin
    Stop it! That's not our style!
[10:49] Shin
    Let Jump Square handle that!
[10:52] Gedo
    You're right.
[10:53] ---
    But we might find a good present here.
[10:56] Shin
    It seems rather inconsiderate to purchase
[10:58] ---
    a Christmas present in the demon world!
[11:00] Gedo
    Darkness makes light brighter!
[11:04] Shin
    There's only darkness here!
[11:05] Shin
    Right now, our futures and your
    character are completely dark!
[11:08] Kagura
    Hey, Gedomaru. How's this?
[11:12] Kagura
    We can give it to Ana Ketsuno.
[11:13] Shin
    We're looking for a Christmas present!
[11:16] Kagura
    But it's a cross.
[11:17] Shin
    With a monster impaled on it!
[11:20] Fra
    I'm not a cross.
[11:22] Fra
    I'm Frankenfurt.
[11:24] Fra
    I keep evil spirits away.
[11:25] Shin
    What's a Frankenfurt?!
[11:27] Shin
    How can you keep evil spirits
    away when you're an evil spirit?!
[11:29] Gedo
    Mind if I test it?
[11:32] Fra
    Oh, go ahead.
[11:37] Gedo
    No good.
[11:38] Gedo
    It couldn't keep me away.
[11:40] Gedo
    Next.
[11:41] Shin
    What kind of test was that?!
[11:42] Kagura
    How about this then?
[11:44] Kagura
    Ana Ketsuno won't have any trouble
    on her demon day of the month.
[11:47] Shin
    Why?! Why would you buy
    demon goods for Christmas?!
[11:50] Shin
    And what is her demon day of the month?!
[11:52] A
    This is a hot item right now.
[11:54] A
    That demon has the smile of an angel.
[11:56] Shin
    You're a demon for trying to buy
    this as a Christmas present!
[12:01] Gedo
    Mind if I test it?
[12:03] A
    Oh, go ahead.
[12:04] Shin
    How are you going to test it?!
[12:09] Gedo
    No good.
[12:11] Gedo
    It couldn't beat the weight.
[12:13] Gedo
    Next.
[12:14] Shin
    You're missing the point!
[12:15] Gin
    Hey, Gedomaru.
[12:17] Gin
    How about this?
[12:18] Gin
    For Ana Ketsuno.
[12:21] Shin
    All that does is wash her ass!
[12:23] Gin
    No, that's not all it does.
[12:25] Shin
    That wouldn't even hit anything!
[12:27] Shin
    What happened to Christmas?!
[12:30] Gin
    She'll feel refreshed
    after washing her ass.
[12:33] Shin
    How will that bring a Merry Christmas?!
[12:34] A
    Big guy, this here is an
    acid shower toilet that can
[12:38] ---
    wash away any fucking shit.
[12:40] Shin
    Do you people think Ana
    Ketsuno has a dirty ass?
[12:43] Gedo
    That looks dangerous,
    so mind if I test it?
[12:46] Shin
    You should stop. You should
    stop, Gedomaru-san.
[12:51] Gedo
    Okay, next.
[12:52] Shin
    You didn't even test it!
[13:15] Gin
    It's not easy to find a
    present for Ana Ketsuno.
[13:20] Shin
    Uh, let's just forget about Ana Ketsuno.
[13:24] Shin
    We should also forget about Christmas.
[13:26] Shin
    We really don't have time for this.
[13:28] Gin
    You keep complaining.
[13:30] Gin
    Help us look, Pachi-boy.
[13:31] Shin
    Uh, I'm busy playing the straight man.
[13:34] Kagura
    Shinpachi, do you know what
    people who watch Gintama
[13:36] Kagura
    in countries that don't follow the
    concept of straight men say about you?
[13:40] Kagura
    Why does that glasses
    kid keep yapping away?
[13:42] Shin
    Which country is that?!
[13:44] Shin
    You people don't realize
    how important my role is!
[13:46] Kagura
    If you're mad, find a different
    way to distinguish yourself.
[13:50] Shin
    Okay, but we're stuck
    in the demon world...
[13:52] Shin
    Oh, excuse me.
[13:54] Shin
    Oops, my lips just brushed
    against someone else's lips.
[13:58] Gin
    What are you doing, Shinpachi?
[13:59] ---
    That's just merchandise.
[14:01] Kagura
    What are those? They're gross.
[14:04] Gin
    They look kind of familiar...
[14:07] Gin
    Hey, Shinpachi.
[14:16] Shin
    Pa...
[14:17] Shin
    Pandemonium-san.
[14:23] Pan
    I-It can't be...
[14:26] Shin
    Why are you here?
[14:30] Shin
    You disappeared before my eyes...
[14:36] Shin
    How can you be here?
[14:38] Pan
    Sh-Shinpachi-kun...
[14:42] Shin
    Pandemonium-san...
[14:45] Shin
    Pandemonium-san!
[14:48] Pan
    Sh-Shinpachi-kun!
[14:56] Shin
    Why?!
[14:58] Gedo
    Well, you were acting so stupid
    that I couldn't help myself.
[15:01] Shin
    I'm gonna kill you, bitch!
[15:03] Shin
    Give her back!
[15:04] Shin
    Give me back my Pandemonium-san!
[15:06] Gedo
    Um, excuse me.
SIGN    Yummy Pandemonium
[15:07] Gedo
    Can I get a Pandemonium?
[15:10] Gedo
    I'm sure that everyone's hungry.
[15:12] Shin
    You're going to eat her?!
[15:17] Shin
    She did it...
[15:19] Shin
    She ate her right before my eyes.
[15:29] Gedo
    It's not easy to find a present.
[15:33] Gedo
    I never thought that giving someone
    something was so difficult.
[15:38] Gedo
    This shows that I'm a heartless creature.
[15:41] Gedo
    It was too early for
    me to try to be human.
[15:45] Kagura
    Hey, get a hold of yourself.
[15:47] Kagura
    Aren't you trying to be a movie Gian?
[15:49] Kagura
    The point is that a heartless bastard
[15:50] ---
    like you is even bothering
    to find a present.
[15:52] Shin
    Are you trying to make
    her feel better or worse?
[15:54] Gin
    How's this sound?
[15:55] ---
    Let's try looking for something
    you want for a while.
[15:59] Gedo
    Huh?
[16:00] Gin
    You won't get anywhere wondering
    what she might like.
[16:04] Gin
    So start by thinking about what
    you would like as a present.
[16:09] Gedo
    But Christel-sama and I
    have different tastes...
[16:11] Gin
    Just choose something.
[16:22] Gedo
    Then I choose this.
[16:29] Shin
    Uh, what are we going to do, Gin-san?
[16:31] Shin
    What is that?
[16:32] Kagura
    Oh, it's a hair ornament.
[16:34] Shin
    A hair ornament?
[16:35] Shin
    More like what used to
    be under someone's hair.
[16:38] Gin
    Would you be happy if
    someone gave that to you?
[16:50] Gedo
    No, any present from Christel-sama
    would make me happy.
[16:54] Gin
    There you have it.
[16:57] Gin
    Hey, pops. I'll take
    this snappy headdress.
[16:59] Shin
    Hey, Gin-san!
[17:04] Gin
    Two of them.
[17:05] Gin
    I'm also buying one,
    so give me a discount.
[17:07] Gin
    If she doesn't like it, I'll blame you.
[17:10] Gin
    Make sure you give her
    that one so you match.
[17:16] A
    Sorry, big guy. I can't sell that to you.
[17:19] Gin
    Huh?
[17:21] A
    I don't sell anything to humans.
[17:24] A
    But I can throw together
    some cheap ornaments...
[17:28] A
    ...from your skulls!
[17:37] A
    This is brilliant!
[17:39] A
    Some humans ended up here.
[17:42] B
    Their skulls should fetch a pretty penny.
[17:44] C
    I want their arms.
[17:45] D
    I want their heads.
[17:47] E
    I want their nails!
[17:55] Shin
    Gin-san! What do we do?!
[18:12] Gedo
    Oh, he was right.
[18:15] Gedo
    A free hair ornament.
[18:17] Shin
    I can't tell who's the bad guy here!
[18:20] A
    I-Impossible!
[18:22] A
    There's a Japanese demon with them!
[18:24] A
    A crazy one!
[18:25] B
    She's a devil-class!
[18:26] C
    H-Hurry! Call for Lord Satan!
[18:29] D
    A Japanese devil is invading!
[18:31] D
    This is war!
[18:38] Gin
    Gedomaru...
[18:40] Gedo
    I'm sorry about dragging you into this.
[18:45] Gedo
    But I'm glad.
[18:48] Gedo
    Now I understand why humans give presents.
[18:56] Gedo
    I thought it would be a chore,
    but it wasn't too bad.
[19:01] Gedo
    Next time, I'll choose my present myself
[19:05] Gedo
    since I now know that it's
    meaningless otherwise.
[19:10] Gedo
    Gintoki-sama, I was the one who received
[19:14] ---
    a wonderful present today.
[19:18] Gedo
    Until we meet again.
[19:28] Shin
    Huh?
[19:29] Shin
    Wait a sec.
[19:30] C
    There they are! They're
    the ones, Lord Satan!
SIGN    Satan Festival
[19:33] Shin
    Wait! Hey! Take us with you!
SIGN    Santa Festival
[19:42] Ana
    Today will be the coldest
    day yet this winter.
SIGN    Odd Jobs Gin-chan Snack Otose
[19:46] Ana
    The cold isn't going away, so
    make sure you don't catch a cold.
[19:50] Ana
    Christmas may be over, but
    you want to stay vigilant.
[19:54] Ana
    Make sure you dress warmly
    when you go outside.
SIGN    For my master.
[19:59] Ana
    Have a wonderful day.
[20:03] Ana
    Be careful!
[20:05] Both
    We will!
SIGN    Pandemonium in the Air
[22:01] Shin
    Pandemonium-san...
[22:03] Shin
    Will I ever see you again?
[22:06] Shin
    Pandemonium-san...
[22:08] Shin
    I would give anything to see you
    one more time, Pandemonium-san...
[22:12] Kagura
    Gin-chan, it looks like Shinpachi
[22:14] ---
    left his soul back in the demon world.
[22:17] Gin
    Once he notices the women around him
[22:20] Gin
    instead of focusing on the
    woman he can never have,
[22:22] Gin
    he'll man up.
[22:24] Kagura
    Do you mean me? That's gross.
[22:27] Gin
    No, you're out of the question.
[22:28] Kagura
    But it can't be that easy to find someone.
[22:33] Kagura
    We're talking about Shinpachi here.
[22:34] Gin
    Fine, I'll lend a hand then.
[22:37] Shin
    -Pandemonium-san...
[22:37] Pan
    -I wanted to see you...
[22:40] Shin
    -Pandemonium-san...
[22:40] Pan
    -I wanted to see you...
[22:42] Pan
    I wanted to see you...
[22:44] Shin
    That voice...
[22:45] Shin
    P-Pandemonium-san...
[22:48] Shin
    Huh?
[22:50] Shin
    She looks different...
[22:51] Pan
    I wanted to see you...
[22:52] Pan
    I wanted to see you...
[22:54] Pan
    I wanted to see you...
[22:55] Pan
    Yes!
[22:56] Pan
    We Pandemoniums have come to see you.
[23:00] Pan
    PDN48!
[23:04] Gin
    Lucky you, Sakaguchi-san.
[23:14] Kagura
    Lucky you.
[23:16] Shin
    Yes!
SIGN    The End
SIGN    Next Time
[23:20] Kagura
    Hey, Gin-chan.
[23:21] Kagura
    What's inside a New Year's envelope?
[23:23] Kagura
    Do you know?
[23:24] Kagura
    Do I get an envelope?
[23:26] Gin
    Uh...
SIGN    New Year's Envelopes Are Perfect for Dirty Jokes
[23:28] Gin
    Next time:
[23:28] Gin
    New Year's envelopes are
    perfect for dirty jokes.
[23:31] Kagura
    Um, that doesn't answer my question.
SIGN    This episode was about Christmas, so the next one has to be about New Year's!!
SIGN    After some anguish... Kagura finally receives her envelope?