E266 - You Can Never Pause at the Perfect Time

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Begins Shortly
SIGN    Mr. Sakata Gintoki's Public Apology
[00:08] Kag
    We're here live at the press conference
    where Mr. Sakata Gintoki
[00:11] Kag
    is about to issue a public apology for
    the return of the Gintama anime.
[00:46] Kag
    We seem to be running a little late.
SIGN    Please watch this press conference in a bright room
    and at a safe distance from your TV.
[00:57] Kag
    He doesn't seem to be here yet...
[01:01] Kag
    Oh, there he is!
SIGN    Caution: Cameras flashing
[01:15] Gin
    Thank you for taking the time out of
    your busy schedules to be here today.
SIGN    Caution: Cameras flashing
[01:22] Gin
    In light of the Gintama anime's recent failures,
[01:28] Gin
    I, Sakata Gintoki, the protagonist,
[01:30] Gin
    am here to represent all the
    producers and staff of the show
[01:33] Gin
    in publicly apologizing at this press conference.
[01:38] Gin
    First of all, for not ending
    with the final chapter...
[01:42] Gin
    We're very sorry!
SIGN    Caution: Cameras flashing
[01:55] Shin
    Mind if I ask some questions?
[01:57] Gin
    Go ahead.
[02:00] Shin
    Firstly, could you tell us a
    bit about how this happened?
SIGN    Caution: Cameras flashing
[02:04] Shin
    It's too early to be crying!
[02:06] Shin
    You haven't said anything yet!
[02:09] Gin
    I was in disbelief that the movie made
    1.7 billion yen at the box office!
[02:14] Gin
    I had no words to express how
    thankful I was to all our viewers!
[02:21] Gin
    But then those money mongers in
    suits started coming for us again,
[02:27] Gin
    and before I knew it, we went from
    Sunrise to something else entirely!
[02:31] Gin
    What's more, the producer couldn't
    abandon his womanizing ways!
[02:34] Gin
    But the thing is...
[02:36] Gin
    You people don't understand anything!
[02:38] Gin
    What could you possibly
    know about the producer?!
[02:40] Shin
    I have no idea what you're talking about!
[02:42] Gin
    As such, there's something
    I need to tell you all today,
[02:47] Gin
    and here's what it is...
[02:55] Gin
    There. We apologized.
[02:56] Gin
    Gintama will be resuming now, then.
[02:58] Shin
    Screw you!
[02:58] Gin
    Psycho-Pass!
SIGN    Odd Jobs Gin-chan
[04:38] Oto
    I'm only gonna say this once, stupid curly!
[04:41] Oto
    You'll cough up this and last month's rent,
[04:43] Oto
    and you'll do it right now, even if
    you have to sell your kidneys!
[05:04] Gin
    Uh, Gran?
[05:11] Gin
    Look...
[05:13] Gin
    I get it.
[05:16] Gin
    I see the wrinkles on your forehead,
    and your quiet intensity.
[05:19] Gin
    You'll get your rent and
    kidneys next month, okay?
[05:26] Gin
    Gran? Hello?
[05:28] Gin
    You listening to me?
[05:32] Gin
    Knock it off, you old hag!
[05:34] Gin
    You're being annoying!
[05:35] Gin
    How long are you gonna keep
    that filthy expression up?!
[05:38] Gin
    Spare a thought for our viewers at home!
[05:40] Gin
    They can't handle your mug
    for more than three second—
SIGN    Odd Jobs Gin-chan Snack Otose
[06:05] Gin
    Uh, this is...
[06:08] Gin
    Pachi-boy!
[06:10] Gin
    Kagura!
[06:14] Both
    Gin-san...
    Gin-chan...
[06:16] Kag
    I knew it.
[06:23] Shin
    Everything's
[06:26] Shin
    stopped moving.
[06:30] Kag
    People, animals, objects, all of it.
[06:33] Gin
    So, you're saying...
[06:36] Gin
    It's all frozen?
SIGN    Sugar Content
[06:39] Gin
    Not just people or objects,
[06:43] Gin
    but time itself?
SIGN    You Can Never Pause at the Perfect Time
[06:55] Gin
    Sure is quiet.
[06:57] Gin
    It's almost as if we're the only
    people in the entire world.
[07:01] Gin
    But now is the time to stay calm.
[07:04] Gin
    Let's analyze this situation with cool heads.
[07:07] Gin
    Basically, what this means is...
[07:10] Gin
    We don't have to pay rent anymore.
[07:13] Shin
    This is not the time for that crap!
[07:16] Gin
    It also means your paydays
    will never come again.
[07:20] Kag
    Screw you! That's illegal!
[07:21] Kag
    Time hasn't stopped for us!
[07:24] Gin
    Maybe it hasn't,
[07:25] Gin
    but our water and gas supply sure has.
[07:28] Shin
    That was your fault, not time's!
[07:31] Shin
    Also, who cares about that right now?
[07:33] Shin
    Time has been frozen in its tracks!
[07:35] Shin
    We're the only ones not affected by it!
[07:37] Shin
    And the anime only just resumed, too!
[07:39] Shin
    How did things end up like this?!
[07:42] Gin
    I'm not sure what's going on,
[07:44] Gin
    but just when I thought I'd gotten
    my hands on an unusual clock,
[07:47] Gin
    it immediately became useless.
[07:50] Shin
    Huh? Why are you worried about that?
[07:52] Kag
    Gin-chan, what is that?
[07:55] Gin
    Isn't it weird?
[07:57] Gin
    I'm pretty sure it's a clock.
[07:59] Gin
    I thought I could sell it for a nice profit.
[08:01] Shin
    Where did you get that?
[08:03] Gin
    I was wasted, so my memory's a bit hazy,
[08:08] Gin
    but on my way home
    after drinking last night...
[08:15] Gin
    I found it lying in the street.
[08:17] Shin
    There's something way more
    crazy lying next to it!
[08:21] Gin
    Come to think of it, I saw a drunkard on
    the ground with his face all flushed, too.
[08:25] Shin
    He wasn't drunk!
[08:27] Shin
    He was bleeding!
[08:29] (Flashback) A
    P-Please...
[08:32] (Flashback) A
    Take care of that for us...
[08:35] (Flashback) A
    Protect the Universal Clock in our stead.
[08:43] (Flashback) A
    It's an ancient clock from the age
    of the gods that has controlled time
[08:48] (Flashback) A
    on billions of worlds since
    the birth of the universe.
[08:53] (Flashback) A
    We, the Watchmen of Time,
    have guarded it for generations,
[08:57] (Flashback) A
    but we're incapable of doing so anymore.
[09:00] (Flashback) A
    If that clock were to fall
    into the hands of humans,
[09:02] (Flashback) A
    the universe's flow of
    time would be disrupted.
[09:04] (Flashback) A
    It would surely cause a massive disaster!
[09:07] (Flashback) A
    I beg of you!
[09:08] (Flashback) A
    Seal the clock where no
    human can ever find—
[09:15] Shin
    He's not even listening
    to the most important bit!
[09:17] Shin
    Don't! Giving him the clock
    is a really bad idea!
SIGN    Odd Jobs Gin-chan
[09:23] (Flashback) Gin
    Ugh, I feel sick.
[09:26] (Flashback) Gin
    My head hurts...
[09:29] (Flashback) Gin
    I can't sleep...
[09:35] (Flashback) Gin
    Morning already...
[09:38] (Flashback) Gin
    I haven't gotten a wink of sleep...
[09:44] (Flashback) Gin
    Shut up! I've been up for ages already!
[09:51] Shin
    It's all your damn fault!
[09:56] Shin
    What is wrong with you?!
[09:58] Shin
    How could you mistake such a valuable
    object for an alarm clock and destroy it?!
[10:02] Kag
    So what are you telling me, moron?
[10:04] Kag
    That the guys protecting this
    clock got into an accident,
[10:07] Kag
    so it ended up in the hands of an
    idiot, leading to this situation?
[10:10] Shin
    Yeah. It sounds unbelievable,
[10:13] Shin
    but that clock's the embodiment
    of the universe's flow of time.
[10:16] Shin
    The reason we're the only ones unaffected...
[10:22] (Flashback) Gin
    Shut up! I've been up for ages already!
[10:26] Shin
    ...is probably because we were
    nearby when it got destroyed.
[10:31] Shin
    Maybe it doesn't affect time in
    the direct vicinity of its user.
[10:35] Shin
    Either way, we have to fix this clock,
[10:39] Shin
    or the world's time will stay frozen,
[10:42] Shin
    and the three of us will be left stranded
    in a different plane of time for eternity!
[10:49] Shin
    What do we do?!
[10:51] Shin
    We can't even ask for help!
    Everyone else is frozen in place!
[10:54] Shin
    There's nothing we can do!
[10:56] Shin
    Our world is done for! And so are we!
[10:58] Shin
    We're finished in the very first episode!
[11:01] Gin
    Pachi-boy, nothing will come of being
    pessimistic when your back is to the wall.
[11:05] Gin
    A samurai must think positively at all times.
[11:09] Gin
    If he does, he is sure to
    find a golden opportunity.
[11:11] Shin
    That's rich, coming from the
    samurai who destroyed the world!
[11:14] Gin
    Sure, the world might stay frozen in
    place forever if we don't do something,
[11:19] Gin
    but look at it from another perspective!
[11:22] Gin
    You've gained the privilege of fondling
    Otsu-chan's boobs forever!
[11:27] Gin
    What kind of golden opportunity is that?!
[11:30] Gin
    You can be pessimistic after you've
    fondled her for about 30,000 years.
[11:33] Gin
    The idea that that's all I
    can do for 30,000 years
[11:35] Gin
    makes me nothing but pessimistic!
[11:36] Gin
    Her boobs would fall off!
[11:38] Gin
    Besides, do you really think I'd
    take advantage of this situation
[11:40] Gin
    to do something that disgusting?
[11:43] Gin
    I'll keep it to three hours.
[11:45] Gin
    All right!
[11:46] Gin
    Then I'll go after Ketsuno Ana's a—
SIGN    Bank of Edo
[11:52] Kag
    Now that I'm a Watchman of Time, don't
    think I'll let you scum do as you please.
[11:57] Kag
    Stop fooling around and start
    robbing that totally unguarded bank.
[12:02] Gin
    W-Wait, Kagura.
[12:04] Gin
    Do you really think I
    came here for no reason?
SIGN    Doll House
SIGN    Doll House
[12:13] Kag
    Old man Gengai's place?
[12:15] Kag
    Are you stupid?
[12:17] Kag
    Yeah, normally he'd be
    able to repair anything.
[12:21] Kag
    But look at that stupid face,
    with his finger frozen up his nose.
[12:24] Kag
    What could he possibly do?
[12:27] Gin
    That's right.
[12:28] Gin
    No matter what we try, it'll all be futile
    unless time starts flowing again.
[12:33] Gin
    In that case, we just need
    to make it flow ourselves.
[12:38] Gin
    This clock can't function
    automatically right now,
[12:41] Gin
    but we can manually move
    its hands with our fingers.
[12:45] Gin
    In other words...
[12:47] Gin
    We can't get time to flow actively again,
[12:52] Gin
    but we can force it along
[12:57] Gin
    and jump to a certain point in the future.
[13:02] Gin
    And then we...
[13:05] Kag
    I get it, Gin-chan!
[13:07] Kag
    We leave this booger geezer the clock,
    along with a note or something.
SIGN    Please fix this clock. -Odd Jobs
[13:14] Shin
    And then, if we move the
    clock's hands forward...
[13:23] Kag
    We'll reach a future where he's fixed the clock!
[13:26] Kag
    The world will be back to normal!
[13:28] Kag
    You're amazing, Gin-chan!
[13:30] Kag
    I never even imagined we could
    use it like a time machine!
[13:33] Gin
    That's right.
[13:34] Gin
    While time's still frozen,
SIGN    Marriage Registration Form Sakata Gintoki Ketsuno Christel
[13:36] Gin
    I just need to get the paperwork done.
SIGN    Today's
    Weather
[13:39] Ch
    Good morning, everyone!
[13:41] Ch
    Let's get right to today's—
SIGN    Today's Husband
[13:52] Gin
    A future where I get to dock with
    Ketsuno Ana's ketsunoana (asshole) awaits!
[13:56] Gin
    All right. You can turn the clock now.
[13:58] Shin
    You were talking about Ketsuno Ana?!
[14:00] Shin
    Knock it off already!
[14:02] Shin
    Don't go around forging documents!
[14:04] Shin
    What happened to fixing the clock?!
[14:06] Gin
    Huh? We can?
[14:07] Shin
    With the same method you
    were plotting evil with!
[14:10] Shin
    Why don't you use that scheming brain
    of yours for society's betterment?!
[14:13] Kag
    Shinpachi, what's that paper in your hand?
SIGN    Boob Fondling Coupons Fondle Fondle Fondle Fondle
[14:15] Kag
    What the hell are boob fondling coupons?
[14:21] Kag
    Forget it.
[14:22] Kag
    I know better than to rely on you scumbags.
[14:25] Kag
    I'll do it myself.
SIGN    Please fix this clock. -Kagura
[14:28] Kag
    All that's left is to move the hands forward.
[14:31] Kag
    The geezer will take care of the rest.
[14:35] Kag
    Now that I look closer, there are
    a bunch of clocks on this thing.
[14:39] Kag
    Which hand should I move?
[14:41] Gin
    How is anybody supposed to know?
[14:44] Shin
    Could it have clocks that go
    by units of days or years?
[14:48] Shin
    We'd better be careful.
[14:51] Kag
    We have no choice but to move it just
    a little bit and see what happens.
[14:56] Kag
    Huh? This is pretty stiff!
[15:02] Kag
    Well? Did anything change?
[15:04] Gin
    Guess nothing will happen while
    he's still picking his nose.
[15:07] Gin
    Try moving it further forward.
[15:19] Both
    That's too far!
[15:22] Shin
    What are you doing, Kagura-chan?!
[15:24] Shin
    You tried too hard!
[15:25] Shin
    We went past Gengai-san's lifespan!
[15:27] Kag
    It's your fault for rushing me.
[15:29] Kag
    And this clock uses some weird
    mechanism based on five-minute units.
[15:32] Kag
    I can't tell how far to move it.
[15:34] Gin
    Maybe you moved the one that goes by
    years and sent us far into the future.
[15:40] Shin
    What are we gonna do?
[15:42] Shin
    Gengai-san died!
[15:43] Shin
    Who'll fix the clock now?
[15:45] Gin
    Settle down. There's still a way.
[15:48] Gin
    If we can manually move the
    hands of the clock forward,
[15:51] Gin
    we should be able to turn them back, too.
[16:02] Kag
    You're right!
[16:03] Kag
    It looks like we can go back to
    the point where the clock broke.
[16:06] Shin
    That's a relief.
[16:08] Shin
    So we can get back to square one, huh?
[16:10] Gin
    This time, let's put the clock where
    the geezer's more likely to see it,
[16:15] Gin
    and carefully move time forward.
[16:18] Kag
    That should do it.
[16:19] Kag
    Here we go.
[16:37] Shin
    Uh, excuse me...
[16:39] Shin
    Now it's not moving far enough.
[16:41] Shin
    He keeps ignoring the clock
    and picking his nose.
[16:44] Shin
    Are we really sure that time's passing here?
[16:46] Gin
    It is.
[16:48] Gin
    It's hard to notice, but he's
    chasing the booger further in.
[16:50] Shin
    How many years is it gonna take
    for anything to change, then?!
[16:53] Kag
    I feel like I've moved the hands far
    enough for a few days to have passed.
[16:57] Shin
    Just how long is he gonna
    keep picking his nose?!
[17:03] Gin
    Hey! He's going really deep!
[17:05] Gin
    Shouldn't we stop him?
[17:06] Gin
    Maybe call an ambulance?
[17:07] Shin
    How can you tell?
[17:08] Shin
    I don't see any changes from when we started!
[17:11] Kag
    We've gotta endure!
[17:13] Kag
    He'll get bored of picking his nose eventually,
    and then he'll notice the clock!
[17:17] Shin
    Look, I don't think any time has passed at all.
[17:20] Shin
    Move the hands to a point
    with some noticeable change.
[17:27] Both
    That's too drastic a change!
[17:30] Shin
    What the hell happened?!
[17:31] Shin
    What the hell happened in between cuts?!
[17:34] Shin
    He was picking his nose right
    here just a moment ago!
[17:36] Shin
    Why is he picking his nose in a portrait now?!
[17:39] Gin
    That's why I asked if we
    should call an ambulance.
[17:42] Gin
    Anybody could've seen this coming.
[17:44] Shin
    Who could see that coming?!
[17:46] Shin
    Where in the world are you gonna find
    someone who chases a booger to his death?!
[17:49] Kag
    Before worrying about the clock, we gotta
    focus on preventing the geezer's death.
[17:57] Kag
    Let's go in smaller increments until we
    get to the moment before his death.
[18:01] Kag
    Here goes.
[18:07] Shin
    Huh? Gengai-san's gone.
[18:10] Gin
    Nah, he's over here.
[18:13] Gen
    I did it!
[18:14] Gen
    I finally did it!
[18:19] Shin
    Is that...
[18:20] Shin
    Does this mean...
[18:21] Shin
    He finished repairing the
    clock right before his death?
[18:24] Shin
    Did we just fail to notice
    that he was working on it?
[18:28] Shin
    Why is the world not back to normal, then?
[18:31] Gin
    That's probably because of the way he died.
[18:35] Gin
    Look at that.
[18:38] Shin
    A t-truck!
[18:40] Gin
    I think the geezer jumped out into the
    street to celebrate finishing the repairs,
[18:45] Gin
    got hit by that truck, and died.
[18:47] Gin
    At the same time, the clock
    must've been destroyed again.
[18:51] Shin
    So if we save Gengai-san here, we can
    get our hands on the repaired clock!
[18:55] Kag
    Yay! Now we can—
[19:01] Shin
    It's just a booger!
[19:04] Shin
    No wonder he was picking
    his nose for that long!
[19:06] Shin
    Just how big a gold nugget was he digging for?!
[19:09] Kag
    Anyway, we've saved his life.
    The booger's been dealt with, too.
[19:14] Kag
    He should be able to focus
    on repairing the clock now.
[19:18] Kag
    Let's try moving a little into the future.
[19:24] W1
    Poor thing.
[19:26] W2
    Apparently something hit
    the truck's windshield,
[19:31] W2
    causing it to crash into the pole.
[19:37] Both
    Hasegawa-san was driving that truck!
[19:40] Shin
    Oh my God!
[19:42] Shin
    Just when we thought we'd saved Gengai-san,
[19:43] Shin
    now Hasegawa-san's dead instead!
[19:46] Kag
    It's your fault for throwing
    the booger at the truck!
[19:49] Shin
    Complain to the man who
    gave birth to that monster!
[19:52] Gin
    Calm down. We've got this.
[19:55] Gin
    We just need to turn back time
    and get that booger again.
[20:01] Gin
    Throwing it into the trash should do the trick.
[20:05] Gin
    Okay, things should definitely
    work out this time.
[20:09] W1
    Poor thing.
[20:11] W2
    Apparently he was sleeping under
    the pole when something suddenly
[20:16] W2
    hit his face and caused
    him to suffocate to death.
[20:21] Both
    He was in the box?!
[20:28] Shin
    Damn, this is too much!
[20:30] Shin
    He has unbelievably bad luck!
[20:32] Kag
    Half-assed resistance won't be enough
    to shake off his cursed fate!
[20:36] Gin
    Forget it. Let's carry him to a place
    far away from the geezer and his booger.
[20:42] All
    One, two...
[20:43] All
    Heave, ho! Heave, ho! Heave, ho!
[20:58] Gin
    He's gotta be fine here.
[21:00] Gin
    He's definitely gonna be fine here.
[21:06] W2
    Apparently he died a natural death.
[21:09] Both
    What do you mean, natural death?!
[21:12] Shin
    There's nothing we can do
    to stop a natural death!
[21:14] Shin
    There's no way to save him!
[21:15] Shin
    What the hell's going on?
[21:16] Shin
    As much as we try to save him,
    death keeps sucking him back in!
[21:19] Gin
    So if we save one, the other will die?
[21:23] Gin
    Damn it. There's gotta be a way.
[21:26] Gin
    There's gotta be a way to save everyone.
[21:31] Gin
    I know it...
[21:34] Gin
    I'm sure of it!
[21:44] Pic
    Special Beam Attack!
[22:06] Shin
    How did the future come to this?!
SIGN    To Be Continued
SIGN    Next Episode: Even a Matsui Stick Can't Handle Some Kinds of Dirt
[23:46] Gin
    Next Episode: "Even a Matsui Stick
    Can't Handle Some Kinds of Dirt."