E194 - Whenever I Hear Leviathan, I Think of Sazae-san. Stupid Me!!

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:04] Abuto
    This school was in the same
    district as Gintama High,
[00:08] Abuto
    but it tended to attract students with notorious
    reputations during middle school,
[00:12] Abuto
    and the rundown building was dubbed
    a concentration camp by some.
[00:19] Abuto
    The Metropolitan Yato
    Industrial High School.
[00:22] Abuto
    This is the story of one man who arrived
    in this school full of savages...
[00:35] Kamui
    I'll kill ya.
[00:36] Abuto
    Bebop.
[00:38] Men
    Kamui-kun!
SIGN    [Kamui - Episode 1]
[00:45] Umi
    Starting today we have a new student,
    Kamui, joining our class.
[00:49] Umi
    Be nice, everyone.
[00:51] Kamui
    I'm Kamui, from Harusame High.
[00:53] Kamui
    I only have interest in
    those who are strong.
[00:56] Kamui
    I'll take over this class before
    the day's over, so cheers.
[00:59] A
    What's that?!
[00:59] B
    You dissin' us?!
[01:01] C
    I'll show you how fearsome
    Yato High can be!
[01:05] Kamui
    If you get in my way again, I'll kill ya.
[01:09] Umi
    Hey! What do you think you're
    doing on your first day here?!
[01:11] D
    You bastard! You don't get
    to push my buddy around!
[01:16] Umi
    Be nice, or I'll kill ya.
[01:19] E
    Bastard's got cheek.
[01:20] E
    Abuto, do something!
[01:25] Abuto
    You read that as "Kamui"?
SIGN    [After School]
[01:30] Abuto
    Hey.
[01:32] Abuto
    I said hey.
[01:33] Abuto
    Can't you hear me?
[01:35] Abuto
    Are the things protruding from your
    head supposed to be doorknobs?
[01:38] Abuto
    Eh?
[01:39] Kamui
    How about a contest?
[01:41] Abuto
    Huh?
[01:41] Kamui
    7x1=7, 7x2=14, 7x3=21.
[01:44] Abuto
    Wait, that's...
[01:46] Kamui
    7x4=28, 7x5=35, now 7x6 equals?
[01:49] Abuto
    The sevens, the hardest
    part of the times table...
[01:53] Abuto
    Uh, six sevens would be 45...
[01:54] Abuto
    No, that's not it...
[01:56] Abuto
    In this case, it'd either be 38 or 48...
[01:59] Abuto
    Ungyo!
[01:59] Abuto
    Lend me your fingers!
[02:01] Ungyo
    I think I'll transfer...
SIGN    [The End]
[02:05] Abuto
    Teach, I don't get why we have to study.
[02:08] Abuto
    Is this going to help us
    out in the real world?
[02:11] Abuto
    I was spewing a typical adolescent question after
    failing this important juncture in life eight times.
[02:18] Abuto
    Yes, I was the only one held back at the metropolitan
    Yato Industrial High School eight times.
[02:23] Abuto
    I no longer show up for New Year's gatherings 'cause
    I can't stand all the stares from the relatives.
[02:26] Abuto
    Never show up!
[02:28] Abuto
    That was when one particular
    man arrived before me.
[02:33] Kamui
    I'll kill ya.
[02:34] Abuto
    Bebop.
[02:35] Men
    Kamui-kun!
SIGN    [Episode 2]
[02:41] A
    Hey, look at that.
[02:43] A
    It's the three stupid crows from Yato
    High that've been getting cocky.
[02:47] A
    The new kid who took control of the
    third-years on his first day, Kamui.
[02:50] A
    The member of the old guard who's
    flunked eight times, Abuto.
[02:55] A
    The fatty who's seventeen,
    believe it or not...
[02:59] A
    What's his name again?
[03:00] B
    Beats me...
[03:01] Ungyo
    I think I'll transfer...
SIGN    [The End]
[03:05] Abuto
    Say, did you know?
[03:07] Abuto
    That scene from the current
    ending sequence.
[03:09] Abuto
    It has me set up as the only one
    who flunks and doesn't graduate.
[03:12] Abuto
    How mean is that?
[03:14] Abuto
    That was when one particular
    man arrived before me.
[03:18] Kamui
    I'll kill ya.
[03:19] Abuto
    Bebop.
[03:20] Men
    Kamui-kun!
SIGN    [Episode 3]
[03:26] Abuto
    Bah, those bastards from
    Yoshiwara Trade School...
[03:29] Kamui
    Well, just sit back and let your leg heal.
[03:31] Kamui
    Don't worry about anything else.
[03:33] Abuto
    Hey! Nincompoop!
[03:35] Abuto
    Don't tell me you're going to go
    off to get payback by yourself...
[03:38] Abuto
    I won't allow you to do that.
[03:40] Abuto
    This is my problem.
[03:41] Abuto
    Got nothing to do with you!
[03:43] Kamui
    I'll be back.
[03:44] Abuto
    Hey, wait!
[03:45] Abuto
    Don't give me that shit!
[03:46] Abuto
    Hold up!
[03:47] Abuto
    Bah, damn idiot.
[03:52] Abuto
    Mommy, peel a pear for me.
[03:57] Ungyo
    I think I'll make him transfer...
SIGN    [The End]
SIGN    [The showdown at Hotel Ikezuya: The Kagekiha Anti-Foreigner Ronin Faction versus the Shinsengumi.]
SIGN    [The fate of Edo rests on what Hijikata saw happen to Kondo...]
[05:47] Yamazaki
    The enemy is hiding in Hotel Ikezuya.
[05:50] Yamazaki
    They plan on executing an armed
    takeover of the terminal tomorrow.
[05:55] Yamazaki
    They're meeting up at Ikezuya
    to discuss their plans.
[06:02] Yamazaki
    I would assume that they're building morale for
    the upcoming battle with a feast of some sort.
[06:07] Yamazaki
    This is our only chance to stop their
    plan and to bring them all in.
[06:15] Kondo
    It's a showdown...
[06:57] Kondo
    Squad 1 will join me in attacking
    from the front.
[07:00] Kondo
    Squads 2 and 3 will follow their captains
    and attack from the back.
[07:04] Kondo
    Don't let a single rat escape.
[07:06] Kondo
    Got it?
[07:07] Kondo
    The fate of Edo rests on our blades.
[07:10] Kondo
    Every battle we fight may be our last.
[07:13] Kondo
    Our backs are against the wall.
[07:14] Kondo
    Never look back.
[07:16] Kondo
    Focus only on the enemy.
[07:18] Kondo
    Open a path to the future
    with your swords.
[07:23] Kondo
    Let's go!
[07:43] Master
    Excuse me...we're booked for the day...
[07:46] Kondo
    We're here on official business.
[07:47] Kondo
    We'll need to have a look inside.
[07:50] Master
    Huh? Uh...
[08:02] Kondo
    Toshi, I'm trusting you to watch my back.
[08:06] Toshi
    Yeah, I got you.
SIGN    ["Whenever I Hear Leviathan,
    I Think of Sazae-san. Stupid Me!!"]
[08:17] Hijikata
    Oh...
[08:21] Hijikata
    He's got snot coming out...
[08:25] Hijikata
    Nah, it can't be.
[08:27] Hijikata
    He wouldn't have snot coming out now...
[08:31] Hijikata
    Nope, that's definitely snot.
[08:33] Hijikata
    It's clearly snot.
[08:35] Hijikata
    Should I tell him?
[08:37] Hijikata
    But...
[08:39] Hijikata
    I don't want to do anything that would
    affect our morale right now...
[08:44] Hijikata
    But still...
[08:46] Hijikata
    If I leave it alone and the men notice,
    that'll also affect the squad's morale...
[08:51] Kondo
    Let's go!
[08:53] All
    Yeah!
[08:56] A
    Huh? Snot?
[08:57] B
    No way! Seriously?!
[09:00] Hijikata
    Crap... I had better tell him...
[09:03] Kondo
    What's wrong, Toshi?
[09:05] Kondo
    Why the funny face?
[09:07] Hijikata
    Kondo-san... Well...
[09:10] Kondo
    Even you feel nervous
    before battles, eh?
[09:14] Kondo
    But there's no need to be ashamed.
[09:16] Kondo
    It's far more shameful to grow
    accustomed to killing.
[09:21] Kondo
    We have no choice but to
    swing our swords in agony,
[09:23] Kondo
    hoping that we will be able
    to bring peace one day.
[09:25] Kondo
    Humans are the only ones who
    can set other humans straight.
[09:28] Kondo
    Don't let yourself become a monster,
    no matter how much blood you shed.
[09:34] Hijikata
    Th-Thanks...
[09:37] Hijikata
    That helped me snap out of it.
[09:40] Hijikata
    Kondo-san...
[09:41] Hijikata
    That was a nice speech, but your
    snot is going Tarzan on you.
[09:46] C
    Report!
[09:47] C
    Squad 2 has reached the 12th floor!
[09:49] C
    Squad 3 is on the move!
[09:52] Kondo
    Very well. Squad 1 will head out
    once squad 3 is in position.
[09:56] C
    Yes, sir!
[09:57] Hijikata
    No...I can't tell him...
[10:00] Hijikata
    I'd rather die than tell someone who's being
    serious that he's got snot going Tarzan.
[10:08] Hijikata
    Tarzan would fall into the ravine...
[10:11] Hijikata
    Can't do it...
[10:13] Hijikata
    I have to prevent that from happening...
[10:15] Hijikata
    I'll have to make him aware of the snot in
    passing instead of pointing it out directly...
[10:22] Hijikata
    What options do I have...?
[10:25] Hijikata
    Hey! You lot!
[10:27] Men
    Yes, sir!
[10:28] Hijikata
    We'll have a piss break
    before we charge in.
[10:32] Hijikata
    Listen up.
[10:34] Hijikata
    You won't have time once
    the battle starts.
[10:36] Hijikata
    Take care of your business now.
[10:38] Hijikata
    If you don't piss now, you'll have
    to hold it in for at least an hour.
[10:40] Okita
    Hijikata-san, we didn't come
    here on a picnic.
[10:44] Hijikata
    Shut up!
[10:45] Hijikata
    You're the type of kid who make them stop the bus to
    piss in the bush, crying, while all the traffic goes by!
[10:53] Okita
    Hijikata-san, we're not on a bus.
[10:56] Hijikata
    Shut up!
[10:57] Hijikata
    I told you to piss, so piss, damn it!
[11:00] A
    Man, this is such a pain.
[11:03] B
    There goes all the tension.
[11:05] C
    I already squeezed out every
    last drop before coming here.
[11:08] Hijikata
    Kondo-san, why don't you join them?
[11:11] Kondo
    Nah, I already took a piss.
[11:16] Hijikata
    You should go wash your face.
[11:18] Hijikata
    It'll help you focus.
[11:20] Kondo
    Really?
[11:21] Kondo
    I'll be gone for a bit then.
[11:23] Kondo
    Stay on your guard.
[11:24] Hijikata
    Yeah, don't worry.
[11:26] Hijikata
    Okay, it's all good now.
[11:29] Hijikata
    Once he looks in the mirror,
    he'll notice Tarzan yelling.
[11:33] Hijikata
    I can only pray that Tarzan will return
    to the forest before anyone notices.
[11:38] Kondo
    Okay, I'm focused now.
[11:41] Kondo
    Let's get going!
[11:42] Men
    Yeah!
[11:44] Hijikata
    T-Tarzan's come out to New York!
[11:48] Hijikata
    Why?!
[11:49] Hijikata
    What's going on?!
[11:50] Hijikata
    He washed his face, yet his snot's
    gone from Tarzan to Leviathan?!
SIGN    [Note: Referring to the Leviathan from the "Final Fantasy" video game series.]
[11:55] D
    Hey, check out the commander...
[11:57] E
    Isn't there something on
    his nose? What is that?
[12:00] D
    Isn't it Leviathan?
[12:00] Hijikata
    This is bad... They're starting
    to notice Leviathan...
[12:03] Hijikata
    Fall off!
[12:04] Hijikata
    Leviathan, that isn't where you belong!
[12:07] Hijikata
    Back you go to the Feymarch!
SIGN    [Note: From Final Fantasy IV for the Nintendo DS.]
[12:13] Hijikata
    There it goes!
[12:14] Hijikata
    It's definitely gone now!
[12:17] Kondo
    What? Did I catch a cold?
[12:20] Hijikata
    N-Now Bahamut's been summoned!
[12:23] Hijikata
    Crap!
[12:24] Hijikata
    I didn't expect Bahamut to be
    renting the room next door!
[12:27] C
    Squad 1 has reached their floor!
[12:29] Kondo
    Very well. Squad 1 will also move out.
[12:32] Men
    Yeah!
[12:33] Hijikata
    I-It's impossible to hide now...
[12:35] Hijikata
    Bahamut and Leviathan...
[12:37] Hijikata
    They won't stop until
    everything's destroyed...
[12:40] Hijikata
    What do I do?
[12:43] Hijikata
    So-Sogo!
[12:45] Sogo
    What is it?
[12:46] Hijikata
    Take squad 1 and use the
    emergency stairwell.
[12:50] Hijikata
    I'll join the double dragons, I mean...
[12:52] Hijikata
    Kondo-san in attacking from the front.
[12:55] Sogo
    Will the two of you be
    okay by yourselves?
[12:57] Hijikata
    The goal is to confuse the enemy.
[12:59] Hijikata
    You don't need to worry.
[13:00] Hijikata
    I'm willing to die to protect Kondo-san.
[13:02] Kondo
    Toshi?
[13:03] Hijikata
    Let me handle this.
[13:06] Hijikata
    I managed to get rid of the men,
[13:09] Hijikata
    but the problem now is how to proceed.
[13:11] Hijikata
    If we charge in, the enemy will
    see these double dragons.
[13:17] A
    Huh?
[13:18] A
    Hey, this guy's dripping snot!
[13:21] B
    You should take care of your nose
    before taking care of patriots!
[13:25] Kondo
    Stop!
[13:26] Kondo
    Don't look!
[13:32] Hijikata
    I have to do something before
    the situation gets ugly...
[13:36] Hijikata
    Eliminate the double dragons without messing
    with Kondo-san's serious manner.
[13:42] Kondo
    Toshi, check that out.
[13:44] Kondo
    The enemy has people on patrol.
[13:46] Kondo
    If we're spotted, the enemy will
    be alerted to our presence,
[13:49] Kondo
    and our ambush will fail.
[13:51] Hijikata
    Yeah, you're right...
[13:53] Hijikata
    There's no time to get hung
    up about cleanliness.
[13:56] Hijikata
    I'll just use my hand.
[13:58] Hijikata
    There's no other way to bring
    down those giants.
[14:01] Hijikata
    Bahamut and Leviathan...
[14:04] Hijikata
    Which to go for first...
[14:06] Hijikata
    Given the way he's turned,
    Leviathan will be difficult...
[14:09] Hijikata
    Guess I'll start with Bahamut.
[14:10] Hijikata
    Okay!
[14:14] Hijikata
    Bahamut just?!
[14:15] Hijikata
    What?!
[14:16] Hijikata
    Did it sense the impeding danger?!
[14:18] Hijikata
    Leviathan's doubled in size instead!
[14:20] Hijikata
    What's going on?!
[14:22] Hijikata
    Come on! Don't tell me Bahamut and
    Leviathan are connected in the back?
[14:26] Hijikata
    They're a couple?
[14:29] Hijikata
    That makes this easy then.
[14:32] Hijikata
    Grab one and they're both goners!
[14:42] Hijikata
    That's it!
[14:43] Hijikata
    I'll go for Zantetsuken!
SIGN    [Note: Odin's trademark attack from FF series.]
[14:47] Hijikata
    My eyes! My eyes!
[14:48] Kondo
    Hey, Toshi!
[14:49] Kondo
    You okay?!
[14:51] Hijikata
    Sn-Snot came flying out!
[14:53] Hijikata
    Snot came flying at me like a Flare spell!
[14:55] Hijikata
    What's going on?!
[14:57] C
    Hey! What're you doing?!
[15:00] C
    Whoa! What's with that sno...
[15:05] Kondo
    Whoa!
[15:05] Kondo
    Nice one, Toshi!
[15:07] Kondo
    That was instant!
[15:10] Hijikata
    Th-That was close...
[15:12] Hijikata
    He was about to find out.
[15:14] Kondo
    Hey, wasn't that guy saying
    something about sno...
[15:17] Hijikata
    He wasn't!
[15:19] Kondo
    No, pretty sure I heard sno...
[15:20] Hijikata
    He must have been talking
    about snowbells, yeah.
[15:23] Hijikata
    He realized he was about to die, so he wanted
    to request snowbells at his grave.
[15:28] Kondo
    Snowbells...
[15:29] D
    Damn, that's loud!
[15:31] D
    What's all the noise about...
[15:35] D
    What the hell is that s-...
[15:37] Hijikata
    Socrates!
[15:40] B
    I-It's the Shinsengumi!
[15:42] Kondo
    Onward!
[15:43] B
    Wh-What's with this guy?!
[15:45] B
    He's got all that sn-...
[15:46] Kondo
    Soul Society!
[15:48] F
    Hey! That's s-...
[15:50] Hijikata
    Son Goku!
[15:52] G
    Whoa! S-...
[15:53] Hijikata
    'Nothing to worry about!
[16:00] H
    The hell's up with this guy?!
[16:02] H
    He's a monster!
[16:03] H
    Run!
[16:04] Okita
    You won't get away!
[16:06] Okita
    Zaki!
[16:09] Hijikata
    Crap!
[16:10] Yamazaki
    Huh?
[16:11] Yamazaki
    Commander, what's with that s-...
[16:18] Hijikata
    Yamazaki!
[16:20] Hijikata
    You okay?!
[16:21] Hijikata
    Who did this to you?!
[16:23] Yamazaki
    A vase suddenly...
[16:25] Kondo
    Zaki...
[16:26] Kondo
    Damn them!
[16:27] Kondo
    They won't get away with this!
[16:29] Hijikata
    Wait!
[16:30] Hijikata
    Hold on!
[16:31] Hijikata
    Here.
[16:32] Hijikata
    Your face is covered with the blood
    that's been splashing around.
[16:35] Hijikata
    Use this to wipe it off.
[16:36] Kondo
    Your face is the one that's
    covered with blood.
[16:38] Hijikata
    I said to wipe it off, damn it!
[16:41] Hijikata
    You won't be able to fight
    if it gets into your eye!
[16:43] Kondo
    Yeah, sorry...
[16:45] Kondo
    It's true that you're as good as dead if
    you lose your eyes on the battlefield.
[16:50] Hijikata
    Right, you're done now.
[16:53] Hijikata
    It's over for you this time, damn snot.
[16:56] Hijikata
    H-Hey!
[17:00] Hijikata
    What is that?!
[17:01] Hijikata
    Why is his snot wiping his face?!
[17:03] Hijikata
    Why is the dirtiest part of his face
    trying to wipe his face clean?!
[17:07] Kondo
    Okay, I'm ready to go.
[17:09] Kondo
    Let's do this, Toshi!
[17:11] Hijikata
    You aren't ready!
[17:13] Hijikata
    You're a complete mess!
[17:19] Kondo
    Damn villains, it's on!
[17:26] Hijikata
    He has total control of his snot...
[17:30] Hijikata
    No, I would say that the
    snot is controlling him...
[17:35] Hijikata
    What the hell?
[17:37] Hijikata
    What is that thing?
[17:39] Hijikata
    Stop it.
[17:40] Hijikata
    Stop abusing Kondo-san...
[17:43] Hijikata
    Get the hell out!
[17:46] Kondo
    Look out!
[17:47] Kondo
    Toshi!
[17:55] Hijikata
    Kondo-san!
[17:59] Hijikata
    Kondo-san!
[18:02] Hijikata
    The snot is gone...?
[18:05] Snot
    I'm sorry.
[18:09] Snot
    For deceiving you this whole time...
[18:25] Snot
    Toshi...
[18:26] Hijikata
    N-No way...
[18:29] Hijikata
    You're kidding me, the snot... You...
[18:36] Snot
    I am the true identity of Isao Kondo.
[18:44] Snot
    Snot Nebula 28...
SIGN    [Note: Spoof of the Japanese hero Ultraman and his home Nebula M78.]
[18:49] Snot
    That is my home galaxy.
[18:52] Snot
    I came to investigate Earth,
[18:55] Snot
    so I commandeered the body of a gorilla,
[18:58] Snot
    and altered my appearance to allow
    me to live amongst humans.
[19:05] Snot
    That would be me, Isao Kondo.
[19:11] Snot
    Once my investigation was done, I was supposed
    to be blown into a tissue and thrown away.
[19:17] Snot
    But before I knew it, five years,
    ten years had passed...
[19:23] Snot
    The next thing I knew, I was
    a middle-aged man.
[19:26] Snot
    I had so much fun with you guys...
[19:35] Hijikata
    Sno...
[19:37] Hijikata
    Kondo-san...
[19:39] Hijikata
    So everything I was trying to do to help
    you would have destroyed you?
[19:46] Snot
    That's how it should be.
[19:48] Snot
    It's the fate of snot to be blown
    into a tissue and thrown away.
[19:52] Hijikata
    But...
[19:53] Snot
    I've lived too long...
[19:55] Snot
    I've grown too ugly and fat
    to be kept inside a nose...
[20:01] Snot
    I wanted you to send me off...
[20:06] Snot
    Toshi, I wanted to be blown
    into a tissue held by you...
[20:11] Snot
    Can you do me this favor...friend?
[20:16] Hijikata
    I'll come after you...
[20:24] Hijikata
    Next time, I'll also become snot...
[20:28] Snot
    I'll be waiting...
[20:31] Snot
    I'll be waiting in Otae-san's nostrils...
[20:36] Hijikata
    Like hell I'd follow you there!!
[20:39] Hijikata
    Talking snot is damn disgusting!
[20:50] Snot
    Toshi...
[20:52] Snot
    Your fly was open...
[21:11] Kondo
    We're here, Toshi.
[21:13] Kondo
    This is Ikezuya.
[21:14] Kondo
    This will be an intense fight.
[21:16] Kondo
    Stay focused.
[21:19] Hijikata
    Kondo-san...
[21:20] Kondo
    Hmm? What is it?
[21:23] Hijikata
    Your snot's going Tarzan on you.
[21:26] Kondo
    Oh, you're right.
SIGN    [Teach us!! Ginpachi Sensei]
[23:09] Gintoki
    We have a question from someone
    with the pen name Mutaito.
SIGN    [Note: Based on the Master Roshi's master from Dragon Ball.]
[23:14] Gintoki
    I have an uncle in his late 30s, a Madao.
[23:18] Gintoki
    The other day, he came
    over to my house
[23:21] Gintoki
    and ended up staying in my room.
[23:24] Gintoki
    That night, around 2 AM,
[23:26] Gintoki
    Madao got completely naked and used a
    full power Evil Containment Wave on me.
SIGN    [Note: Master Roshi's technique.]
[23:31] Gintoki
    Mr. Ginpachi, please help him.
[23:35] Gintoki
    Okay, here's your answer.
[23:37] Gintoki
    He's beyond help.
[23:39] Gintoki
    Please get completely naked and use a full power
    Evil Containment Wave to seal your uncle.
[23:45] Gintoki
    It's sad, but I believe it's the best
    thing you can do for him.
[23:51] Gintoki
    So Mutaito-san, men in their late 30s are
    a lot more childish than you realize.
[23:57] Gintoki
    They get worse as they age.
[24:00] Gintoki
    I would love to show you what's going on inside the
    minds of the staff members who make this show.
SIGN    
[24:05] Gintoki
    A sunny and bright smile.
[24:07] Gintoki
    A demeanor soft as a spring breeze.
[24:09] Gintoki
    Ana Ketsuno, I turn to this channel every
    morning just to see that smile.
[24:13] Gintoki
    I'll brave any danger to
    protect that smile...
[24:16] Gintoki
    Whoa! But not this kind of danger !
[24:18] Gintoki
    The next episode...
[24:18] Gintoki
    "Not Losing to the Rain!"
SIGN    [Gin-san is a huge fan of Ana Ketsuno, the once divorced weather girl and face of Edo.]
SIGN    [However, she has a surprising other face as well.]
SIGN    [See you next time.]