E200 - Santa Claus Red Is Blood Red
Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:05] Kagura
The first thing to do when you
wake up in the morning
[00:09] Kagura
is to look for toy store ads that come with
the newspaper during the holiday season.
[00:14] Kagura
Then you study it while standing next to your old
man when he reads the paper in the morning.
[00:20] Kagura
You must not make any direct references
such as saying "I want this."
[00:27] Kagura
Show that you're thoughtful enough to refrain from
asking for presents because of money concerns.
[00:33] Kagura
A sigh can prove effective.
[00:35] Kagura
Your old man may pretend
he doesn't notice,
[00:38] Kagura
but I guarantee he does.
[00:40] Kagura
Be patient and continue this
routine every morning.
[00:43] Kagura
And then one morning,
you wake up to find
[00:45] Kagura
that your old man has pulled
out the toy store ad for you.
[00:50] Kagura
This means that victory
is within your grasp.
[00:52] Kagura
"Price dropped on the TS."
[00:55] Kagura
Casual little pushes like that.
[00:57] Kagura
Be wary of your pronunciation.
[01:00] Kagura
Your old man is unfamiliar
with foreign words.
[01:04] Kagura
Enunciate each and every word.
[01:07] Kagura
Then you just wait for
Christmas morning...
SIGN ["I put together your favorite ads.
Merry Christmas. - Gin"]
[01:17] Kagura
...Merry Christmas.
SIGN [Merry Christmas!! Never mind that it's March, Merry Christmas!!]
[02:54] ---
Hey, where's the usual "This show is
brought to you by" segment?
SIGN [Kagura had no luck with Santa last year. How will her Christmas turn out this year?]
[02:58] ---
Don't tell me the sponsors
are no longer...
SIGN [You know, we ended up with some extra runtime. Sorry, Gin-san, but can you handle the rest?]
[02:59] ---
Huh? Hold on a second!!
[03:01] ---
What sort of stunt are we trying to pull
off here?! Screw you, bastards!!
[03:03] ---
The hell am I supposed to
do with my voice only?!
SIGN [We're not screwing around. (lol)]
SIGN [We're not screwing around. (lol)] [You can do it, Gin-san!! (lol)]
[03:05] ---
And why is there so much
runtime left here anyway?!
[03:12] Kagura
Dear Dad.
[03:14] Kagura
How is your hair doing?
[03:17] Kagura
I wonder what part of the universe you're
shedding hair right about now?
[03:21] Kagura
I'm on Earth with a full
head of hair as always.
[03:24] Kagura
There's an Earth holiday called
Christmas coming up,
[03:28] Kagura
and everybody is excited.
[03:31] Kagura
Because there's a legend that Santa
Kurosu, a red old geezer,
[03:36] Kagura
comes to give presents to the children.
[03:40] Kagura
This time of year, everybody
[03:43] Kagura
gets excited about what they
should ask Santa for.
[03:48] Kagura
But that old Santa fella
has never visited me.
[03:53] Kagura
I asked for a present last year,
but Santa never showed up.
[03:58] Kagura
See the beginning of this episode
for further details.
[04:01] Kagura
Dad, does old man Santa hate me?
[04:06] Kagura
Or does Santa not even exist?
[04:17] Man
It seems that your daughter's having
a hard time on a distant planet.
[04:22] Man
Kids end up leaving you after twenty years or
so, no matter how much you care for them.
[04:29] Man
But the memories from
those twenty years
[04:32] Man
will help support those kids
for the rest of their life.
[04:36] Man
In other words, childhood memories
can never be replaced.
[04:42] Man
If there's something you need to do,
go ahead and do it, Umi Bouzu-san.
[04:47] Man
She won't keep sending
you letters forever.
[04:54] Umi
Old timer, send this to
the branch on Earth.
[04:59] Man
You aren't going to see your daughter?
[05:05] Umi
War's broken out between planet
Kameda and planet Naito again.
[05:10] Umi
Planet Kanehira's asked for assistance.
[05:14] Man
I see.
[05:15] Man
Guess you don't have a choice.
[05:16] Man
Since you're even busier
than this Santa fella.
[05:23] Man
Don't die out there.
[05:33] Kameda
What the...?
[05:54] Umi
Dear Kagura-chan.
[05:56] Umi
I read your letter.
[05:58] Umi
I'm glad that you still have
a full head of hair.
[06:02] Umi
Your father also has a full
head of hair, as always.
[06:07] Umi
I would love to go see you
as it's been so long,
[06:11] Umi
but I'm busy with work,
so I can't go to Earth.
[06:16] Umi
I'm sorry.
[06:18] Umi
I pray from far away in
space that you have
[06:23] Umi
a merry Christmas with
your Earth friends.
[06:26] Umi
There's no need to be sad.
[06:29] Umi
I won't be able to go see you,
[06:32] Umi
but if you're a good girl, I'm sure
that he'll come visit you.
[06:37] Woman
Thank you very much.
[06:38] Umi
With a large bag full of presents...
[06:42] Umi
Clad in red clothing...
[06:47] Umi
Santa will come...
SIGN
[07:01] Shinpachi
Merry Christmas!
[07:03] Shinpachi
And here's to another year gone by!
[07:05] Shinpachi
Boy, there's a real sense
of refinement about
[07:09] Shinpachi
sitting around a kotatsu with
a hot pot on Christmas.
[07:11] Shinpachi
Right, Sis?
[07:13] Otae
Sorry if this doesn't feel very Christmasy.
[07:15] Otae
I heard that this would also
be an end-of-the-year party.
[07:18] Shinpachi
No, I'm fine with this.
[07:19] Shinpachi
It's too much effort to hold
a Christmas party
[07:21] Shinpachi
and end-of-year party separately, right?
[07:23] Shinpachi
It's not because we have no
money! It'd just be a drag!
[07:26] Madao
A blend of eastern and
western cultures.
[07:28] Madao
The informal atmosphere
is very Japanese.
[07:31] Shinpachi
You got that right!
[07:33] Madao
And you don't need to worry.
[07:35] Madao
I brought something Christmasy with me.
[07:38] Madao
Here, a special order cake.
[07:41] Shinpachi
Wow! That's amazing, Hasegawa-san!
[07:45] Shinpachi
Though it's kind of small...
[07:47] Shinpachi
But it looks very delicious!
[07:49] Madao
Quality over quantity.
[07:51] Madao
The lovable look is very Japanese.
[07:53] Shinpachi
You got that right!
[07:55] Shinpachi
You'll just feel sick if you eat too much.
[07:57] Shinpachi
This is the perfect size.
[07:59] Otae
Then let's cut it up.
[08:03] Otae
Here, Kagura-chan. You get
the part with chocolate.
[08:06] Shinpachi
Lucky you, Kagura-chan!
[08:08] Shinpachi
Boy, that's no fair!
[08:10] Shinpachi
No fair that Kagura-chan gets everything!
[08:11] Otae
Stop fighting now.
[08:13] Otae
Here, I'll start serving food
so pass me your plates.
[08:16] Shinpachi
Oh, yes!
[08:17] Otae
What would you like, Shin-chan?
[08:20] Shinpachi
Oh, what's in the hot pot?
[08:22] Otae
There's Malomy-girl, Malomy-boy,
and Mr. Malomy.
SIGN [Note: Spoof on a brand of Japanese starch noodles.]
[08:25] Madao
Doesn't that mean there's
only Malomy...?
[08:28] Shinpachi
Then I'll go with Malomy-boy!
[08:30] Shinpachi
After all, I'm a boy!
[08:31] Otae
Come on, you need to interact
with girls for a change.
[08:35] Otae
When are you ever going
find yourself a girlfriend?
[08:38] Shinpachi
You got me there!
[08:42] Shinpachi
Man, wow...
[08:44] Shinpachi
Christmas is so much fun!
[08:47] Shinpachi
It's too bad Gin-san couldn't join us.
[08:49] Shinpachi
Seriously, what's he doing?
[08:51] Otae
He's probably walking around drinking.
[08:53] Otae
Just ignore that scoundrel.
[08:56] Shinpachi
You're right!
[08:57] Shinpachi
Let's have fun talking about
Gin-san behind his back!
[09:02] Umi
It appears that I'm in time
for that Christmas event.
[09:06] Umi
But what a meager party...
[09:09] Umi
Is this truly Christmas?
[09:12] Umi
Kagura-chan is completely bummed out.
[09:15] Umi
Hold on, Kagura-chan.
[09:16] Umi
Daddy's coming.
[09:18] Umi
Daddy will transform this destitute
night into a lovely Christmas Eve.
[09:23] Umi
Kagura will be so surprised when
she sees me here in Edo.
[09:30] Umi
Oh wait, that can't do.
[09:31] Umi
I must play through this Santa
character for tonight.
[09:35] Umi
She's been discouraged by the reality
that Santa does not exist.
[09:41] Umi
A parent has the duty
to help a child dream.
[09:44] Umi
It's sad that I cannot visit her as a parent,
[09:46] Umi
but if it means I can help make
this a fond memory...
[09:49] Shinpachi
Huh?
[09:50] Shinpachi
Is someone in the yard?
[09:52] Otae
Oh? What?
[09:53] Otae
Oh no, is it a thief?
[09:55] Umi
They've noticed!
[09:57] Umi
Here I go!
[09:58] Umi
Merry Christmas!
[10:02] Umi
Have you all been good
little boys and girls?
[10:04] Umi
Santa Claus is here to make you happy!
[10:10] Umi
Kagura-chan's completely surprised.
[10:13] Umi
Yep, Santa Claus really exists.
[10:15] Umi
Your personal Santa is right here...
[10:19] Umi
Huh? She's a little too surprised.
[10:22] Umi
Shouldn't she act a bit more happy?
[10:25] Umi
Huh? What?
[10:27] Umi
Did daddy do something wrong?
[10:29] Umi
Is there hair sticking out my nose?
[10:33] Umi
Huh?
[10:57] Umi & Gintoki
It's... It's Santa!
[11:01] Kagura
There are two Santas!
[11:02] Kagura
Who are you people?!
[11:04] Umi
What's going on?
[11:06] Umi
Why is there another Santa here?
[11:08] Gintoki
Who is this guy?
[11:11] Gintoki
Why is there another Santa
besides Gin-Santa?
[11:14] Gintoki
I've been waiting here the entire evening in
this freezing weather to surprise them...
[11:20] Gintoki
Why?
[11:22] Gintoki
Why did this happen?!
[11:24] Umi
The worst possible timing...
[11:26] Umi
What do I do?
[11:28] Umi
She's scared now, not happy.
[11:31] Kagura
There could never be two Santas!
[11:34] Kagura
One must be fake!
[11:36] Kagura
A thief who disguised himself as Santa
to rob the houses of innocent people!
[11:40] Kagura
I'm turning you over to the cops!
[11:42] Umi
Nononono, you've got it totally wrong!
[11:43] Umi
It's daddy!
[11:43] Umi
Santa-Daddy whose come
to help you dream!
[11:46] Gintoki
Hey! They're treating me like
a fake because of this guy!
[11:50] Gintoki
Wait, hold on sec...
[11:53] Umi
On second thought...
SIGN [FAKE]
[11:55] Both
I am a fake.
[11:59] Umi
This is bad...
[12:00] Umi
Maybe I should reveal myself before
they turn me over to the cops...
[12:03] Umi
No, but my goal is to
help Kagura dream...
[12:06] Kagura
Hey, why are you standing there?
[12:08] Kagura
Say something!
[12:10] Gintoki
It'd be embarrassing to tell them the truth
after all the trouble I've gone through.
[12:14] Gintoki
Because I haven't accomplished anything!
[12:16] Gintoki
Haven't accomplished a single thing!
[12:18] Umi
Uh, excuse me.
[12:21] Umi
Who might you be?
[12:23] Gintoki
Huh?
[12:24] Umi
I'll force him to back down.
[12:26] Umi
I should be able to maintain
the act once I'm alone.
[12:29] U?I
Well, it's not that I think you're
a thief or anything.
[12:32] Umi
Uh, do you belong to some kind
of volunteer organization?
[12:36] Gintoki
Er, what?
[12:37] Gintoki
Who are you?
[12:39] Gintoki
Do you belong to some neighborhood
children's association?
[12:41] Umi
Not at all. I happen to be, well...
[12:45] Umi
Santa, as you can see.
[12:49] Gintoki
No, you can stop acting now.
[12:53] Gintoki
That beard is obviously fake.
[12:54] Gintoki
Well, I don't particularly care
about you copying me.
[12:58] Gintoki
But I would prefer you
don't half-ass the job.
[13:03] Gintoki
You'll get yourself hurt if you
underestimate Santa.
[13:05] Umi
Please...
[13:07] Umi
That's a harsh joke.
[13:08] Umi
You're the one who's copying me.
[13:10] Umi
Why isn't this guy backing down?
[13:13] Gintoki
Well, some people don't realize
they're copying others.
[13:17] Gintoki
Just like how everyone casually uses the manga
system developed by Osamu Tezuka.
[13:22] Gintoki
This old guy is digging in.
[13:25] Umi
What's with this guy?
[13:26] Umi
Why does he refuse to back down?
[13:28] Umi
He's just a fake.
[13:29] Umi
Say.
[13:30] Umi
Do you listen to rock?
[13:31] Umi
They say that every current rock and
roll band was born from the Beatles.
[13:35] Umi
Meaning, you more or less
spawned from me.
[13:39] Gintoki
What? You're Santa and you
listen to the Beatles?!
[13:42] Umi
Huh? What? I can't?
[13:43] Umi
What do you listen to then?
[13:45] Gintoki
Santa's supposed to listen to Enya, man.
[13:47] Gintoki
That new age stuff.
[13:49] Gintoki
Could you cut this out, old timer?!
[13:51] Gintoki
I know you're a fake! So scram!
[13:53] Umi
Oh, yes. Enya, you say.
[13:56] Umi
I've heard that Enya la-la-la...
[14:00] Gintoki
That's Ikariya, not Enya.
SIGN [Note: The late Chosuke Ikariya, Japanese musician and comedian.]
[14:01] Umi
Odd, this man has no shame...
[14:05] Gintoki
Well, there's also the obvious Tatsuro.
SIGN [Note: Singer-songwriter Tatsuro Yamashita.]
[14:08] Umi
He's ancient.
[14:09] Umi
Now, it's about his wife, Mariya.
SIGN [Note: Mariya Takeuchi. Song was used for Holiday commercials.]
[14:12] Umi
Who sings the fried chicken thing.
[14:13] Gintoki
Tatsuro and Kazumasa are
classics in every era.
SIGN [Note: Kazumasa Oda, another veteran singer-songwriter.]
[14:18] Gintoki
This old man hasn't flinched at all!
[14:23] Umi
That confidence... Could he be...
[14:27] Gintoki
Don't tell me this guy is...
[14:33] Both
The real Santa Claus?!
[14:39] Umi
On closer look, this guy may
have a unkempt appearance,
[14:43] Umi
but he carries himself
with a certain grace.
[14:46] Umi
Like a master of the sword.
[14:49] Umi
He's an old man with a beard of white,
yet he's brimming with vitality.
[14:54] Umi
He has the skin of a man in his twenties.
[14:57] Umi
Is he even human?
[15:01] Gintoki
I once met a man who
called himself Santa.
[15:05] Gintoki
He was just an old man with no ambition.
[15:09] Gintoki
But this guy's completely different.
[15:10] Gintoki
He doesn't have a white beard,
the symbol of Santa,
[15:14] Gintoki
but that short mustache,
[15:15] Gintoki
that short mustache he doesn't even try
to hide, actually looks more realistic.
[15:20] Gintoki
Maybe Santa's supposed to
just have a short mustache?
[15:23] Gintoki
Like the letdown when you see
Lord Frieza's final form.
[15:28] Gintoki
Like how the real deal's are actually
quite simple-looking.
[15:33] Umi
No, but that can't...
[15:37] Gintoki
For real?
[15:42] Both
This is the worst possible place
to run into the real Santa.
[15:51] Otae
What are they doing?
[15:53] Shinpachi
They've been staring at each other in
silence and haven't budged an inch.
[15:57] Umi
What am I supposed to do?
[15:59] Umi
Should I apologize?
[16:01] Umi
Is he like, mad?
[16:02] Gintoki
It's too late to apologize now.
[16:05] Gintoki
It'd be absolutely disgraceful.
[16:07] Umi
This is like a comedian doing a parody
of the song "Ofukuro-san"
SIGN [Note: Performed by the singer Shinichi Mori.]
[16:10] Umi
when the singer himself
shows up behind you.
[16:14] Gintoki
I won't have it!
[16:15] Gintoki
I can't disgrace myself
while they're watching!
[16:18] Umi
Then what am I supposed to do?
[16:20] Umi
What is the fake "Ofukuro-san" supposed
to do, Kings of Comedy?!
[16:24] Gintoki
As he walks up behind me
and goes, "Nice try, kid,"
[16:28] Gintoki
how am I supposed to not embarrass
myself, Kings of Comedy?!
[16:31] Both
Tell me, Kings of Comedy!
[16:50] Both
Take out Ofukuro-san
[16:52] Both
and become the real deal!
[16:57] Shinpachi
Wait!
[16:58] Shinpachi
What are you guys doing?!
[17:00] Shinpachi
Aren't you two supposed to be Santa?!
[17:02] Shinpachi
The hell are you doing in
front of the children?!
[17:05] Gintoki
Santa... You really are good...
[17:08] Gintoki
I find it hard to believe that you're a slacking
senior who only works on Christmas!
[17:13] Umi
This old man was able
to land a blow on me...
[17:17] Umi
Is this the power of the real Santa?
[17:19] Umi
But it no longer matters
who the real one is!
[17:23] Gintoki
Santa!
[17:24] Gintoki
Is!
[17:26] Both
Me!
[17:27] Shinpachi
Stop!
[17:33] Kyu
Enough of this.
[17:35] Kyu
It would be rude for one
who claims to be Santa
[17:38] Kyu
to shed blood on this holy night.
[17:41] Kyu
If you insist on sullying Santa's
name, leave at once.
[17:46] Kyu
This turf belongs to me, Kyuta Claus!
[17:51] Shinpachi
We got another Santa here!
[17:54] Otae
But this Santa isn't even
concealing her identity.
[17:56] Otae
It's Kyu-chan. That's Kyu-chan, right?
[17:59] Kyu
I am not Kyu-chan.
[18:00] Kyu
I am Kyuta Claus.
[18:01] Kyu
Beautiful princess, please
accept my present.
[18:06] Kyu
A year's supply of your favorite
Baagen-Dash...
[18:11] Otae
What?!
[18:14] Kondo
Can't let you have fun without
me, Kyuta Claus!
[18:17] Kondo
This is not your turf!
[18:20] Kondo
I, Monkey Claus, have
marked this jungle!
[18:23] Kondo
I won't allow you to lay a finger on
the female ape who lives here!
[18:28] Otae
Who are you calling a female ape?!
[18:29] Kondo
Otae-san!
[18:31] Kondo
I am willing to meet you every night,
[18:33] Kondo
whether midsummer night or holy night!
[18:36] Kondo
If you so desire, I will be the Santa
[18:38] Kondo
who brings you happiness
365 days a year!
[18:42] Kondo
This won't be a simple holy night!
[18:44] Kondo
Yes!
[18:46] Kondo
We will be joined together
on this hole-in night!
[18:53] Sa
Um, excuse me.
[18:55] Sa
Is Gin-san here?
[18:58] Sa
I can't seem to find him anywhere.
[19:02] Sa
I want to give him a present.
Where might he have gone?
[19:05] Shinpachi
There's nothing Santa about it anymore!!
[19:08] Kagura
One Santa after another!
[19:11] Kagura
I can no longer tell who's real or fake!
[19:14] Shinpachi
Actually, over half of them
are just stalkers.
[19:16] Shinpachi
Just a bunch of perverts.
[19:17] Kagura
They all insist that they're Santa.
[19:21] Sa
I'm not wearing anything inside,
so it's pretty cold...
[19:26] Gintoki
Of course.
[19:27] Gintoki
I am the real Santa.
[19:29] Kyu
I have no intention of
relinquishing this title.
[19:31] Kyu
I am the Santa who will
make Otae-chan happy.
[19:34] Kyu
I mean, Kyuta.
[19:35] Kondo
It's me! I'm the Santa who wants
Otae-san to make me happy.
[19:40] Shinpachi
That would make Sis the Santa.
[19:46] Umi
This world only needs one Santa...
[19:49] Kagura
I got it!
[19:50] Kagura
Then I'll represent the children of this world
and decide who the real Santa is!
[19:56] Kagura
A contest to determine
who is Santa Claus!
[20:02] Shinpachi
I don't think anyone of them
are fit to be Santa.
[20:06] Kagura
The very first very merry contest to determine
who the real Santa Claus is!
[20:14] Shinpachi
Why are you taking the lead
here, Kagura-chan?
[20:17] Kagura
Listen up, Santas!
[20:19] Kagura
I'm going to give you the Santa test!
[20:22] Kagura
If you are able to pass this test
that would be simple for Santa,
[20:26] Kagura
I will name you as the real
Santa for proving yourself!
[20:31] Shinpachi
Kagura-chan, what is this Santa test?
[20:35] Kagura
That should be obvious.
[20:36] Kagura
Santa's purpose is to give
presents to little kids.
[20:41] Kagura
To read the wishes of all the children
[20:44] Kagura
and grant those wishes
by delivering presents.
[20:47] Kagura
Yes, Santa's job is to
help children dream.
[20:52] Shinpachi
When they're lined up here to be
judged by one of those kids,
[20:56] Shinpachi
there's isn't anything to
dream about, is there?
[20:59] Kagura
I'm going to pretend to be a girl
[21:01] Kagura
who's going through various different
Christmas situations.
[21:04] Kagura
You just have to grant that girl's wishes.
[21:07] Kagura
You'll be judged on your performance.
[21:09] Kondo
Wait, hold on!
[21:10] Kondo
I didn't come here to give presents
to the china dress girl.
[21:14] Kyu
Yes, my apologies to Miss Kagura, but
I only want to be Otae-chan's Santa.
[21:19] Sa
That's right. Don't try to butt-in, little girl.
[21:23] Sa
Now bring out Gin-san.
[21:24] Sa
My present is fresh.
[21:26] Sa
I must deliver it before it rots.
[21:28] Kagura
It's already rotten, you Natto Santa!
[21:32] Kagura
How can you call yourself Santa when
you refuse to help a child dream?
[21:35] Kagura
Listen up.
[21:36] Kagura
Don't forget that if the whole Santa helps
children to dream story doesn't fly,
[21:40] Kagura
you're a bunch of trespassing
old pedophiles.
[21:43] Shinpachi
That's crazy talk!
[21:45] Shinpachi
Forget about presents! The Feds
are going to come calling!
[21:47] Kagura
If you can't prove you're the real Santa,
[21:50] Kagura
You'll be led away by the reindeer
(a.k.a. the police)
[21:52] Kagura
in a sled (a.k.a. a patrol car).
[21:55] Kondo
That's a low blow...
[21:57] Kyu
Aren't you the police?
[21:59] Umi
If you don't believe you're up
the task, feel free to leave.
[22:01] Umi
I see no problem with this test.
[22:04] Both
Because I am...
[22:06] Both
the real Santa!
[22:09] Umi
The others don't matter.
[22:11] Umi
This guy here is the problem.
[22:13] Gintoki
I can no longer turn back.
[22:15] Gintoki
I'll defeat the real Santa...
[22:18] Umi
And I'm...
[22:20] Gintoki
I'm...
[22:23] Both
gonna be king of the Santas!
SIGN
SIGN
[24:05] Shinpachi
Wait!
[24:06] Shinpachi
Gonna be king of the Santas? It's March!
[24:08] Shinpachi
We're still doing these
Christmas episodes?
[24:10] Gintoki
Don't be so anal.
[24:12] Kagura
Keep talking like that and Santa
won't visit your home this year.
[24:14] Shinpachi
Really?
[24:15] Guy
And so, the next episode...
[24:16] All
"Everybody's a Santa!"
SIGN [Next week is filled with everything from American, Classic Tales, to School Drama.]
SIGN [Who will fulfill the dream of a girl played by Kagura, and become the real Santa?!]
SIGN [See you next time.]
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