E20 - Watch Out for Conveyer Belts!

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    [The Shinsengumi are sharing ghost stories to cool off at night. Inayama-san's story is "Woman in a Red Kimono."]
SIGN    [A cursed voice is heard at midnight. What did Hijikata see?!]
[01:42] Inayama
    It was a very hot night with many mosquitoes, like tonight...
[01:47] ---
    I was setting off fireworks with my friends and noticed it had gotten dark.
[01:52] Inayama
    So, I thought my mom would get upset and kick me if I didn't get home right away.
[01:56] Inayama
    I decided to go home.
[01:58] Inayama
    We cleaned up the exploded fireworks and glanced at the Temple School.
[02:04] Inayama
    Then, although it was midnight,
[02:08] Inayama
    a woman in a red kimono was looking right at me from the window of the Temple School.
[02:12] Inayama
    I was shocked, but I wanted to find out more.
[02:18] Inayama
    So I gingerly asked her what she was doing up this late.
[02:21] Inayama
    And she...
[02:23] Inayama
    ...smiled at me and said...
[02:26] Hijikata
    We've run out of mayonnaise!!
[02:32] Samurai A
    Vice-chief!! What the heck-?! You ruined the ending!!
[02:36] Hijikata
    I don't care about that! The mayonnaise ran out! I told you to buy more.
[02:40] Hijikata
    Yakisoba's no good without it!!
[02:43] Samurai B
    You've had enough, already!
[02:45] ---
    That doesn't look like Yakisoba anymore! It's "Yaki-mayonnaise" now!
[02:49] Samurai A
    Oh, Chief!
[02:52] Samurai B
    Chief!!
[02:54] Samurai B
    My goodness! Chief!
[02:55] Samurai B
    The mayonnaise made him faint!
[02:57] ---
    It's terrible!
[03:02] Hijikata
    That's so stupid! They're all obsessed with ghost stories.
[03:10] Hijikata
    There's no way that ghosts exist.
[03:17] Hijikata
    Man, there're so many mosquitoes these days.
[03:20] Okita
    Die...
[03:22] Okita
    Die...Die...Hijikata...
[03:26] Okita
    Please, die...
[03:27] Hijikata
    It can't be...
[03:34] Hijikata
    What are you doing here at this time of night?
[03:38] Okita
    Jo...Jogging.
[03:39] Hijikata
    You liar!
[03:41] Hijikata
    If you ran around in that kind of outfit, your head would catch fire!
[03:43] Hijikata
    Were you holding a ritual? You were holding a ritual for killing me, weren't you?!
[03:48] Okita
    You're really self-consciousness.
[03:50] Okita
    If you think like that, you'll suffer a nervous breakdown.
[03:53] Hijikata
    What?!
[03:58] Okita
    What's the matter with you, Hijikata-san?
[04:00] Hijikata
    Sogo, did you just see something over there?
[04:03] Okita
    Nothing really...
[04:06] Hijikata
    I thought I just saw...
SIGN    ["Watch Out for Conveyor Belts!"]
[04:19] Hijikata
    That's terrible...
[04:21] Hijikata
    Hey, how many people so far?
[04:24] Hijikata
    Eighteen troops.
[04:27] Okita
    So over half the squad has been struck down.
[04:31] Okita
    I've got to admit... This is getting kind of eerie.
[04:34] Hijikata
    No kidding. We, the Shinsengumi, were brought to our knees by a ghost,
[04:39] Hijikata
    Everyone flat on their backs. It's mortifying! I can't even tell anyone about it.
[04:43] Hijikata
    The shame!
[04:44] Kondo
    Toshi...
[04:46] Kondo
    I wasn't beaten by a ghost.
    I was beaten by mayonnaise!
[04:49] Hijikata
    That's even worse.
[04:52] Okita
    Everybody is making delirious sounds about the woman in the red kimono.
[04:56] Okita
    Is that the same ghost Inayama-san was talking about the other night?
[04:59] Hijikata
    Idiot! There's no such thing as ghosts.
[05:02] Kondo
    Don't underestimate ghosts, or you'll be in real trouble, Toshi.
[05:06] Kondo
    This building is cursed. It must be possessed by a horrible spirit.
[05:12] Hijikata
    What are you talking about?!
[05:15] Hijikata
    No, never.
[05:16] Yamazaki
    Chief, here they are.
[05:18] Kondo
    Oh, thanks, Yamazaki!
[05:22] Yamazaki
    I found these exorcists downtown.
[05:26] Gintoki
    Hello.
[05:27] Hijikata
    Who are these guys? Is the circus in town?
[05:31] Kondo
    No, they're here for a exorcising.
[05:34] Hijikata
    Hey, hey! Are you kidding?
[05:36] Hijikata
    These guys look so shady.
[05:38] Kagura
    Oh? Your back...
[05:41] Hijikata
    What...? There's something on my back?
[05:46] Gintoki
    He's done for with that on him.
[05:48] Hijikata
    What are they doing? Can I stab these jokers? Huh, can I?
[05:52] Kondo
    Sensei, can you help us? I'm too scared to go to the bathroom by myself.
[05:59] Kagura
    We'll take care of it, gorilla.
[06:01] Kondo
    Huh? Did you just say "gorilla"? You just said gorilla, right?
[06:06] Gintoki
    We looked around the house.
[06:09] Gintoki
    And I feel a fairly powerful spirit presence, gorilla.
[06:12] Kondo
    Ah, you definitely said "gorilla," didn't you?
[06:15] Kagura
    For starters, why don't we do an exorcism?
[06:18] Kagura
    This is going to cost you a pretty penny, gorilla.
[06:21] Hijikata
    Hey, hey, they're getting in the habit of saying "gorilla."
[06:23] Okita
    By the way, what kind of spirit is here, gorilla?
[06:27] Kondo
    It's contagious!
[06:28] Kagura
    Um... A factory foreman.
[06:32] Gintoki
    Well, it's the spirit of a factory foreman who died after getting stuck in a conveyer belt.
[06:37] Kondo
    But everyone said they saw a woman's spirit.
[06:41] Shinpachi
    Oh right!
[06:42] Shinpachi
    It's the spirit of a woman who looked like the factory foreman who killed herself
[06:46] Shinpachi
    by getting stuck in a conveyer belt.
[06:48] Hijikata
    That explanation's too long! And what does a factory foreman have to do with it?!
[06:50] Gintoki
    Anyway, are you Yamazaki?
[06:55] Gintoki
    We must borrow your body. To draw in the spirit, and then exorcise it, okay?
[06:58] Yamazaki
    Eh... W-Wait a minute.
[07:01] Yamazaki
    Wait... "Exorcise"... How are you gonna do that?
[07:04] Gintoki
    We'll just hit you really hard.
[07:05] Yamazaki
    Hey, anybody can do that!
[07:10] Gintoki
    Yes! It went into him. A spirit went into him, here!
[07:14] Hijikata
    Looked to me like you delivered a body blow instead of putting a spirit in.
[07:18] Kagura
    No, I went into him.
[07:20] ---
    Well, this factory will be destroyed today, and it's all my fault...
[07:25] Kondo
    Hey! It's the factory foreman!
[07:28] Kagura
    Oh? What was the story again?
[07:30] Gintoki
    Idiot! It's about a woman who died after getting stuck in a conveyer belt.
[07:35] Shinpachi
    There's no way a woman would get stuck in a conveyer belt.
[07:38] Shinpachi
    A conveyer belt... Oh? What type?
[07:41] Gintoki
    Never mind! Just act like a normal woman!
[07:44] Kagura
    No way!
[07:45] Kagura
    Playing a normal woman may look easy, but it's the most difficult acting there is!
[07:48] Gintoki
    Nobody expects that level of realism!
[07:51] Kagura
    Shut up, mummy man! Your outfit is what's unrealistic!
[07:55] Gintoki
    Say that again?! I thought I look mysterious like this.
[07:59] Shinpachi
    Oh, no! Cut it out, you guys!
[08:02] ---
    We're on duty! Hey, are you listening to me?
[08:05] Shinpachi
    Both of you!
[08:06] Gintoki
    Ah.
[08:14] Shipachi
    We didn't mean any harm. We didn't have a job.
[08:18] Shipachi
    We just thought exorcising ghosts might be a good job
[08:20] Shipachi
    to make money because it's summer and it's blazing hot in town.
[08:23] Shipachi
    Right, Gin-san?
[08:25] Gintoki
    Right. I've been able to see spirits for a long time,
[08:29] Gintoki
    so I wanted to use my special talent to help people.
[08:31] Ginoki
    Oh, I see an angry old granny behind you.
[08:35] Okita
    Really? She must be the granny who owned the candy store.
[08:39] Okita
    I made fake winning tickets to get ice cream lots of times.
[08:41] Okita
    I cheated her, so she must still be mad at me. What should I do?
[08:44] Gintoki
    Don't worry. She said if you release all of us and give us water, she'll forgive you.
[08:50] Okita
    All right. Then drink this up through your nose.
[08:56] Gintoki
    Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!
    What's this nostalgic feeling?!
[09:01] Gintoki
    Like when I was a kid and almost drowned in the swimming pool!
[09:05] Kagura
    Gin-chan, I feel like my head is going to explode... Help me!
[09:10] Gintoki
    Hey! An innocent girl says her head is going to explode!
[09:14] Gintoki
    Are you guys sure you want the show to finish like this?!
[09:18] Okita
    Next week, We'll start "Shinsengumi: Wind of Blood Chronicles"! Don't miss it!
[09:24] Shinpachi
    They're going to kill us.
[09:26] Gintoki
    Somebody, help me!
[09:29] Kondo
    Hey, Toshi, cut them down. Otherwise, Sogo will discover the joys of sadism.
[09:35] Hijikata
    What are you talking about? He's a prince from a sadistic planet. It's too late.
[09:43] Kagura
    I don't feel so good.
[09:47] Hijikata
    Normally we'd beat you and cut you in strips...
[09:50] Hijikata
    But we're so busy we have no time for that these days. So just leave.
[09:57] Gintoki
    Ah, they're scared of ghosts.
[10:01] Kagura
    Poor babies. Want mommy to stand and guard while you go potty?
[10:05] Kondo
    Are you ridiculing a samurai?!
[10:07] Kondo
    Please come with me to the bathroom.
[10:09] Hijikata
    I can't believe that you're asking!
[10:11] Konto
    Well, I was holding off on a trip to the bathroom because I'm scared.
[10:15] Kagura
    Okay, let's go.
[10:17] Kondo
    All right.
[10:19] Hijikata
    Hey, are you that scared?
[10:21] Hijikata
    You wanna seriously live your life like that? Hey!
[10:25] Hijikata
    You, please keep quiet about this. I'm begging you.
[10:31] Shinpachi
    It looks like you guys really are in trouble. Are you all right?
[10:35] Hijikata
    It's so shameful...
[10:37] Hijikata
    I never thought my army would be so petrified of ghosts like this.
[10:41] Hijikata
    If it's something we can see, we can fight it with our swords,
[10:45] Hijikata
    but I have no idea what to do against something we can't see.
[10:49] Gintoki
    Huh? What? You believe in ghosts?
[10:53] ---
    Ow! Ow! Help, Mommy! It's the man who injured his head, over here!
[10:59] Hijikata
    I'll kill you someday.
[11:02] Okita
    Don't tell me you saw the woman in the red kimono.
[11:07] Hijikata
    I can't tell for sure.
[11:08] Hijikata
    But I saw something strange.
[11:11] Hijikata
    I don't think it was human.
[11:14] Gintoki/Okita
    Ow! Ow! Help! Daddy!
[11:18] Okita
    Bring me a Band-Aid! The size that can wrap around a whole person!
[11:23] Hijikata
    Did you guys rehearse this or something?!
[11:25] Shinpachi
    A woman in a red kimono...
[11:28] Shinpachi
    It reminds me of a ghost story...
[11:31] Shinpachi
    At the Temple School I used to go to...that story got passed around a lot.
[11:36] Shinpachi
    Let's see... One evening, a student was playing at school.
[11:48] Kondo
    Wait for me! I'm begging you... just wait for me.
[11:51] Kagura
    Don't make a mess!
[11:53] Shinpachi
    Nobody was supposed to be in the school building at that time, but...
[11:59] Kondo
    So many mosquitoes around...
[12:02] Shinpachi
    ...a woman wearing a kimono appeared.
[12:05] Shinpachi
    And he asked her what she was doing...
[12:11] Kagura
    Gorilla, what's wrong? Got caught in your zipper?
[12:16] Gintoki
    Kagura, what happened?!
[12:17] Kagura
    He got caught in his zipper.
[12:20] Hijikata
    Get out of my way!
[12:30] Gintoki
    How did he end up like that?
[12:43] Kondo
    Uh... W-W-Woman in the red kimono...
[12:48] ---
    Uh... Sh-She's coming!
[12:53] Okita
    Kondo-san! Pull yourself together!
[12:56] Okita
    Talking in his sleep...and at his age, too.
[13:00] Gintoki
    Well, you know... He's probably dreaming of a woman he made cry a long time ago.
[13:04] Hijikata
    A woman might have made Kondo cry, but he's never made a woman cry.
[13:08] Gintoki
    Then the woman that made you cry has come back to complain some more.
[13:13] Hijikata
    I'd never been with a bad woman like that before.
[13:17] Gintoki
    I see. Then what?
[13:18] Hijikata
    Heck if I know.
[13:20] Hijikata
    But I can tell you that there's something strange going on in this building.
[13:25] Shinpachi
    I think that's a ghost.
[13:27] Gintoki
    Ah? I don't believe in unscientific things like ghosts.
[13:31] Gintoki
    Though I believe in the Lost Continent of Mu.
[13:37] Gintoki
    That's nonsense. It's too much trouble. Let's go home.
[13:42] Shinpachi
    Gin-san...
[13:44] Shinpachi
    What're you doing?
[13:46] Gintoki
    Hey!
[13:48] Gintoki
    I thought you guys were frightened so I was trying to help you.
[13:52] Kagura
    Gin-chan, your hands are all sweaty and gross.
[13:55] Gintoki
    Ah? What are you talking about?!
[13:57] Okita
    Ah! The woman in the red kimono!
[14:02] Shinpachi
    What are you doing, Gin-san?
[14:07] Gintoki
    Well, the entrance to Mu...
[14:10] Okita
    Say, tough guy... Are you afraid of...a ghost...?
[14:14] Gintoki
    What?
[14:15] Okita
    Hijikata-san, this guy... Oh?
[14:22] Okita
    Hijikata-san, what are you doing?
[14:26] Hijikata
    Well, the entrance to Mayonnaise Kingdom...
[14:32] Gintoki
    Wait, wait, wait! Don't get me wrong!
[14:34] ---
    He may be afraid, but not me.
[14:37] Hijikata
    You're the one who's afraid!
[14:39] Hijikata
    I just got an urge to return to the womb, is all!
[14:43] Kagura
    All right, all right. You just go to Mu or Mayonnaise Kingdom or wherever.
[14:49] Gintoki/Hijikata
    What does your contemptuous look mean?
[14:52] Hijikata
    What's that?
[14:54] Gintoki
    Hmph. If you're trying to scare us again, forget it.
[14:56] Gintoki
    The same trick doesn't work twice.
[15:00] Gintoki
    Hey, come on-you're taking this joke too far.
[15:04] Gintoki
    Man, they really put a lot of effort into that put-down.
[15:07] Hijikata
    Prankster kids...
[15:09] Gintoki/Hijikata
    You can't deceive us.
[15:16] Gintoki/Hijikata
    G-Good evening.
[15:18] Shinpachi
    I-I-I saw her! She was real! She was real!
[15:22] Kagura
    Gin-chan!
[15:24] Okita
    Forget about them. They're doomed.
[15:30] Shinpachi
    Th...they made it.
[15:33] ---
    ...Wait a minute.
[15:34] Shinpachi
    They're carrying her! They're carrying the woman!
[15:39] ---
    Get awaaaay!
[15:41] Hijikata
    Hey! Why are you running from us?!
[15:44] Gintoki
    Oh? Hold on. Do you feel something heavy on your back?
[15:48] Hijikata
    I don't know! I have no idea!
[15:50] Gintoki
    I'm sure someone is on us; I feel something heavy.
[15:52] Hijikata
    Shut up. Why don't you check then?
[15:55] Gintoki
    Can't you just take a look at it?!
[15:58] Hijikata
    Hold on. Let's do this.
[16:00] ---
    Let's both turn around and look at the same time.
[16:02] Gintoki
    Just make sure you do it! Don't cheat me!
[16:04] Gintoki
    You definitely look back!
[16:05] Hijikata/Gintoki
    Here we go!
[16:10] Hijikata/Gintoki
    G-Good evening.
[16:16] Shinpachi
    They died! They really died!
[16:18] Okita
    Yes! I'll finally be promoted to Vice-chief.
[16:22] Shinpachi
    Whatever!
[16:23] Okita
    Hey, does anybody have a light? Oh, there's a mosquito coil.
[16:29] Shinpachi
    What's that? What the hell is that?
[16:32] Kagura
    Shinpachi, did Gin-chan die? Did he?
[16:38] Okita
    Well, I once tried to summon an evil spirit so Hijikata-san would die.
[16:44] Okita
    Maybe it's left over from back then...
[16:47] Shinpachi
    How black is your soul, anyway?!
[16:50] Kagura
    Are you the root of this evil? You bastard-I'll avenge Gin!
[16:54] Shinpachi
    Hey, hey! Stop it! This place is too small for that!
[16:57] Shinpachi
    Every time you see each other, why are you...
[17:10] Shinpachi
    I-It's here! Sorry.
[17:14] Shinpachi
    I'm sorry. I'm really sorry!
[17:16] Shinpachi
    You guys apologize, too!
[17:18] Shinpachi
    If you apologize from your heart by bowing your head, it will reach everyone, stupid!
[17:23] Shinpachi
    Seriously! We'll even lick the soles of your shoes, so please forgive us.
[17:27] ---
    I don't taste very good... I don't taste very good... I don't taste...
[17:33] Shinpachi
    Oh! She's gone.
[17:35] Shinpachi
    Wh-Why?
[17:45] Gintoki/Hijikata
    Stop with the annoying sound effects!
[17:51] Gintoki
    ...You survived.
[17:53] Hijikata
    You must have the luck of the devil!
[17:57] Gintoki
    Wh-Where did the thing go?
[18:00] Hijikata
    Dunno. After the others probably.
[18:05] Gintoki
    It ran away...
[18:07] Gintoki
    You know what?
[18:09] Gintoki
    While I was being chased by it, I was giving it my "Badass" look.
[18:14] Gintoki
    I guess it worked.
[18:16] Hijikata
    Whatever. While I was being chased by it, I kept pinching that thing.
[18:21] Gintoki
    You're so small-minded...
[18:33] Gintoki
    Well, I had a nice swim and am all refreshed. It's time for a counterattack.
[18:38] Hijikata
    Don't try to act tough.
    Your voice is quivering.
[18:41] Hijikata
    I'll take care of that thing. You go lay down, princess
[18:45] Gintoki
    I think you're the one who's frightened.
[18:47] Gintoki
    I know you hid in the pond because you already wet your pants, huh?!
[18:51] Hijikata
    What?! I'll exorcise you before I get that ghost!
[18:56] Hijikata
    I owe you a lot, so I'll pay you back with interest!
[19:03] Gintoki
    Huh? Did I lend you something? Don't worry, you can keep it!
[19:07] Gintoki
    I already bought a new NES game.
[19:09] Gintoki/Hijikata
    Shut up, already!!
[19:26] Shinpachi
    Just as I expected.
[19:28] Shinpachi
    This man...
[19:29] Shinpachi
    and this man, as well as this one...
[19:32] Shinpachi
    All these men, who were hit by ghosts, have huge mosquito bites...
[19:38] Shinpachi
    That is...
[19:40] Shinpachi
    not a ghost.
[19:46] Hijikata
    H-H-Hey! What the heck was that?!
[19:49] Hijikata
    It's f-f-flying!
[19:51] Gintoki
    H-H-Hey, are you scared?
[19:56] Hijikata
    N-N-No way! Who do you think I am?
[20:00] Gintoki
    I'm not scared!
[20:03] ---
    All right. You be the bait.
[20:06] ---
    Then I'll...do that...
[20:10] Hijikata
    Hey! What does "that" mean? Escape? Are you going to skip out?
[20:15] Gintoki
    N-No way. Um...I'm going to shoot it with a bazooka.
[20:19] Hijikata
    Where's the bazooka?
[20:22] Gintoki
    Everyone has a bazooka in their heart.
[20:24] Hijikata
    You just can't escape.
[20:28] Gintoki
    Hey, what are you doing?!
[20:42] Hijikata
    Running from an enemy goes against Bushido principles.
[20:46] ---
    You had better study the code from scratch.
[20:53] Gintoki
    What the hell are you doing?!
[20:59] Gintoki
    You'll need another hundred years to tell me about the way of the samurai.
[21:05] Gintoki
    Oh?
[21:09] Mosquito Amanto
    Well, I'm sorry for what I did.
[21:12] Mosquito Amanto
    I'm an Amanto. I'm like an earth mosquito.
[21:16] Mosquito Amanto
    I got pregnant with my boss at work.
[21:20] Mosquito Amanto
    And I needed energy for the delivery.
[21:23] Mosquito Amanto
    He has a family, so I decided to raise my baby myself.
[21:28] Mosquito Amanto
    I was looking for blood and found the perfect place full of hot-blooded men, so...
[21:35] Mosquito Amanto
    I'm really sorry.
[21:37] Mosquito Amanto
    But I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be strong enough to raise my baby!
[21:43] Kondo
    Sorry, but can you stop making that horrible face?
[21:48] Gintoki
    ...Anyway, it doesn't matter whether it's a ghost or a mosquito.
[21:52] Gintoki
    It's another pain in the butt to everyone.
[21:54] Hijikata
    You're a pain in the butt!
[21:56] Hijikata
    I'm not going to give you any reward. Just leave.
[21:59] Gintoki
    But don't forget that it was my final blow that solved everything.
[22:03] Hijikata
    What are you talking about?
[22:05] Hijikata
    I made a blow before you, and that solved everything.
[22:10] Hijikata
    I handled it without your help.
[22:13] Gintoki
    Yeah, you sure talk big-but you were shaking in your boots.
[22:16] Gintoki
    Who would believe the terrifying Vice-chief is scared of ghosts?
[22:23] Hijikata
    You know, I was not scared. I was just startled.
[22:28] Hijikata
    It's a huge difference.
[22:30] Hijikata
    I bet you were really scared.
[22:33] Gintoki
    You know, I was pretending that I was following the scripts.
[22:36] Gintoki
    Actually, I prefer doing it like this. Let's do it every week...
[22:41] Kagura
    Gin-chan, it's time to go...
[22:46] Kagura
    What are you two doing?
[22:49] Hijikata/Gintoki
    Well, I dropped my contact...
SIGN    
SIGN    It's hot! Hot!
SIGN    Why do I have to get sweaty working to buy a fan?!
SIGN    I'm here to get something to cool down, but I'm getting hotter!
SIGN    The next episode is: "If You Go to Sleep with the Fan On You'll Get a Stomachache, So Be Careful."
SIGN    [Also, the Odd Jobs go fishing. "If You're a Man, Try the Swordfish!"]
SIGN    [But what they caught was a Kappa, the master of the lake? Ebina-san? What the... He actually has a name?!]
[24:52] Hijikata
    Finally, I've got enough mayonnaise!