E250 - New Year's Envelopes Are Perfect for Dirty Jokes

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    New Year's Envelopes Are Perfect for Dirty Jokes
SIGN    Odd Jobs Gin-chan
    Snack Otose
[01:50] Kagura
    Gin-chan, Gin-chan.
[01:52] Kagura
    Give me my New Year's envelope!
[02:03] Kagura
    Give me my New Year's envelope.
[02:08] Kagura
    New Year's envelope—
[02:09] Gin
    Where did you pick up that nasty habit?
[02:13] Gin
    A young lady shouldn't
    be begging for money.
[02:18] Kagura
    But everyone else was doing it.
[02:20] Kagura
    They said that grown-ups
    on Earth somewhere
[02:22] ---
    are supposed to give us New Year's envelopes.
[02:25] Kagura
    Hey, Gin-chan.
[02:26] ---
    What's inside a New Year's envelope?
[02:29] Kagura
    Hey, give me a New Year's envelope!
[02:34] Gin
    Are you sure you want one?
[02:37] Kagura
    Yup. I don't know what a New Year's
    envelope is, but it's free.
[02:42] Gin
    You won't regret your decision?
[02:45] Kagura
    Huh?
[02:46] Gin
    Are you prepared to accept
    a New Year's envelope,
[02:52] ---
    no matter what may happen?
[02:54] Kagura
    Don't scare me.
[02:55] Kagura
    It can't be that big a deal.
[02:58] Kagura
    Gin-chan?
[03:03] Kagura
    Gin-chan...?
[03:12] Kagura
    Gin-chan!
[03:14] Kagura
    Are you okay, Gin-chan?!
[03:18] Kagura
    Hang in there!
[03:19] Kagura
    What... What's wrong?
[03:23] Kagura
    Gin-chan!
[03:31] Gin
    Take these...
[03:34] Gin
    Th-They were inside my
    New Year's envelope.
[03:39] Kagura
    Gin-chan!
[03:41] Kagura
    G-Gin-chan, what are these?
[03:43] Kagura
    What is a New Year's
    envelope supposed to be?!
[03:49] Kagura
    H-Have I taken something very,
    very important from you?
[03:56] Gin
    I-It's okay...
[03:57] Gin
    I always knew this day would come.
[04:02] Gin
    To be honest, I was always afraid.
[04:06] Gin
    Afraid that you would ask
    for a New Year's envelope...
[04:10] Gin
    That our lives would fall apart...
[04:14] Kagura
    I-I'm sorry, Gin-chan.
[04:17] Kagura
    I had no idea!
[04:19] Kagura
    I didn't realize New Year's
    envelopes were such a big deal!
[04:22] Kagura
    I don't need one then!
[04:23] Kagura
    I don't need these mochi balls!
[04:28] Kagura
    So, Gin-chan...
[04:30] Gin
    Kagura, this is what happens when
[04:32] ---
    you take a New Year's
    envelope from an adult.
[04:36] Kagura
    Gin-chan!
[04:38] Gin
    But you said that you wanted
    a New Year's envelope,
[04:44] ---
    no matter what happened.
[04:47] Gin
    In that case, you shouldn't look back.
[04:53] Gin
    You must cross my dead body,
    the dead bodies of us adults.
[04:59] Gin
    Kagura...
[05:00] Gin
    You must collect seven of those balls.
[05:03] Gin
    Claim those bloody phantom jewels from
[05:06] ---
    relatives around the world.
[05:08] Gin
    If you collect seven, you'll
    receive the legendary treasure
[05:13] Gin
    that will grant the wish of any kid.
[05:16] Gin
    The Treasure Balls.
[05:18] Gin
    I know... I know you can
    make your wish come true.
[05:23] Gin
    For my sake...
[05:29] Kagura
    Gin-chan...
[05:32] Kagura
    Gin-chan!
[05:35] Kagura
    In your dreams!
[05:39] Kagura
    Hey, what's a Treasure Ball?
[05:42] Kagura
    You came up with that gross act
[05:45] Kagura
    because you didn't want to give
    me a New Year's envelope?!
[05:48] Kagura
    This is the year of the
    dragon, not the pig!
[05:50] Gin
    O-Oh, you knew I was lying?
[05:53] Gin
    That's not nice of you.
[05:54] Kagura
    I was playing along to soften you
    up, but you took it way too far!
[05:58] Gin
    But now you understand
    how difficult it is
[06:00] Gin
    for grown-ups to provide
    New Year's envelopes.
[06:03] Kagura
    I can't understand why someone
    would spit out white balls
[06:06] Kagura
    when someone asks for
    a New Year's envelope!
[06:08] Gin
    Don't blame me.
[06:09] ---
    I lost all my Treasure
    Balls to the other kids.
[06:13] Kagura
    You mean you lost them
    at a pachinko parlor!
[06:16] Gin
    No wonder I'm coughing up Treasure Balls.
[06:18] Gin
    I also coughed up the Treasure
    Soup I had for breakfast.
[06:21] Kagura
    In that case, you should
    just give me everything!
[06:25] Shin
    Seriously, why are you fighting
    on the first day of a new year?
[06:29] Shin
    Happy New Year.
[06:31] Shin
    Here you are, Kagura-chan.
[06:34] Kagura
    Huh? What's that?
[06:35] Shin
    What? You're supposed to give people
[06:37] ---
    New Year's envelopes on New Year's Day.
SIGN    New Year's Envelope
    Kagura-chan
[06:39] Kagura
    Oh, really?!
[06:41] Kagura
    You're awesome, Shinpachi!
[06:42] Shin
    Nah, Sis told me to bring this to you.
[06:45] Kagura
    I see! Yay!
[06:48] Shin
    I didn't expect to
    receive one at this age.
[06:52] Shin
    Well, I guess Sis still
    thinks I'm just a kid.
[06:55] Shin
    But I hope I can grow up to be like her.
[06:59] Shin
    An adult who has plenty
    of money to give to kids.
[07:02] Kagura
    That's right.
[07:03] Kagura
    I don't want to grow up to be an
    adult who coughs up white balls.
[07:08] Shin
    Yeah, I don't want to grow up
    to be an adult who hides indoors
[07:11] Shin
    because he doesn't want to
    give out New Year's envelopes.
[07:15] Gin
    Hey! Don't think I can't hear you!
[07:18] Gin
    Why don't I get a New Year's envelope?!
[07:20] Gin
    That's no fair!
[07:22] Shin
    That's why you're mad?!
[07:23] Shin
    You need to grow up, Gin-san!
[07:26] Shin
    You're supposed to be handing out
    envelopes, not receiving them!
[07:29] Kagura
    Can't you act like a leader for once?
[07:32] Gin
    What are you talking about, fools?
[07:34] Gin
    A real man never drops
    the ball, or his balls.
[07:43] Shin
    Here, use this.
[07:47] Gin
    Huh?
[07:48] Shin
    We knew you wouldn't have any money left,
[07:52] ---
    so we saved some of our pay.
[07:54] Kagura
    You can use it to do
    something good for once.
[07:58] Shin
    You need to give us a
    reason to feel proud
[08:00] ---
    that you're our leader.
[08:05] ---
    You...
[08:06] Kagura
    And you have to pay back
    every penny, with interest.
[08:09] Gin
    Thank you!
[08:11] Gin
    Then I'll go triple the money so
    I have enough to give everyone!
[08:18] Tama
    Gintoki-sama?
[08:20] Tama
    Happy New Year, Gintoki-sama.
[08:23] Shin
    Tama-san!
[08:24] Tama
    Shinpachi-sama, Kagura-sama,
    happy New Year.
[08:28] Shin
    Oh, happy New Year.
[08:31] Kagura
    Happy New Year.
[08:32] Kagura
    Oh, that's right.
[08:34] Kagura
    Start by giving one to Tama, moron.
[08:37] Kagura
    Don't drop the ball.
[08:38] Gin
    That's not funny!
[08:39] Shin
    Oh, that's right. Tama
    may look like an adult,
[08:43] Shin
    but she was created a short while
    ago, so she should get one?
[08:47] Tama
    Yes, it says on Wikipedia that
    I was born on August 16th, 2007.
[08:52] Shin
    What's that? Wikipedia
    exists in this world?
[08:55] Tama
    It most certainly does.
[08:56] Kagura
    Then what does it say about the fact
[08:58] Kagura
    that there are barely any
    Amanto-like Amanto showing up?
[09:01] Tama
    The new restrictions aren't helping,
[09:03] Tama
    and it's a pain in the ass to
    come up with new characters.
[09:05] Tama
    That's what it says.
[09:05] Shin
    It doesn't say that anywhere!
[09:07] Shin
    That came straight from
    the author himself!
[09:10] Kagura
    Anyway, Tama is like a reverse
    Conan-kun, so give her an envelope.
[09:14] Gin
    No, she looks like an adult,
    so she doesn't count.
[09:17] Gin
    You can't reverse everything!
[09:19] Gin
    Let's go look for a real kid.
[09:22] Cath
    If you're looking for a kid to give a
    New Year's envelope, there's one right here.
[09:26] Gin
    Shut up. I don't need
    a catty hag nagging...
[09:29] Cath
    It's me, Tama-chan.
[09:31] Cath
    Mister, give me an envelope.
[09:33] Cath
    Die!
[09:38] Cath
    I wanted a few more lines...
[09:42] Gin
    Tsk, Shinpachi looks more like
    Tama-chan when crossdressing than you do!
[09:46] Shin
    That's why you snapped?!
[09:47] Shin
    You're probably right though!
[09:52] Sei
    Oh, it's Gin-san!
[09:54] Sei
    What? Are you visiting
    everyone for New Year's?
[09:56] Sei
    Happy New Year!
[09:57] Gin
    Don't "happy New Year" me.
[10:00] Gin
    In the manga, this chapter
    ran before New Year's,
[10:02] Gin
    and we're airing this episode in March.
[10:05] Gin
    So you're trying to turn back the
[10:07] ---
    clock so you can get
    a New Year's envelope.
[10:09] Sei
    New Year's envelope?
[10:11] Sei
    From you, Gin-san?!
[10:12] Tsu
    Hinowa!
[10:13] Hino
    I know!
[10:15] Hino
    Close the Yoshiwara ceiling!
[10:17] All
    Yes, ma'am!
[10:18] Hino
    Emergency alert!
[10:19] Hino
    Tell all the residents
    to brace for impact!
[10:22] Hino
    All hands prepare for an aerial assault!
[10:24] All
    Aye, aye!
[10:25] Gin
    What do you expect to come falling down?!
[10:27] Gin
    Do you want me to kill you all?!
[10:29] Sei
    Th-That means...
[10:31] Gin
    I came all the way out here.
[10:33] Gin
    Just take it.
[10:34] Sei
    Y-Yay!
[10:36] Sei
    Gin-san came here to give
    me a New Year's envelope!
[10:39] Tsu
    What happened? Are you dying?
[10:41] Tsu
    Are you going to die?
[10:42] Gin
    Shut up! He's the only kid I could
    think of, so I had to come here!
[10:46] Hino
    Isn't that wonderful, Seita?
[10:48] Sei
    Yup!
[10:48] Shin
    Look at how happy he is.
[10:51] Shin
    See? It's not a bad idea
    to be nice once in a while.
[10:53] Gin
    Keep your mouth shut.
[10:54] Gin
    Are you satisfied now?
[10:55] ---
    Sorry.
[10:57] Hino
    That's right.
[10:58] Hino
    I also prepared a New Year's
    gift to show my appreciation.
[11:02] Hino
    Shinpa-san, Kagura-chan,
[11:04] Hino
    please take these.
[11:07] Hino
    Tsukuyo.
[11:11] Tsu
    Take whichever one you want.
[11:15] Tsu
    We discovered the golden rod and balls
[11:17] ---
    in Hosen's safe the other day.
[11:19] Sei
    I received this golden
    piece as a New Year's gift!
[11:23] Sei
    Isn't it pretty?
[11:25] Sei
    Oh, what are you going to give me?
[11:27] Sei
    Something golden?
[11:29] Hino
    Gin-san will probably
    give you a silver rod.
[11:31] Hino
    Nah, probably a silver ball.
[11:34] Gin
    I'll go buy some silver paint
    that's safe for your skin.
[11:38] Gin
    Silver soul!
[11:40] Gin
    Uh, what am I supposed to do?
[11:42] Gin
    What do you want me to do?
[11:44] Gin
    They're looking for golden balls.
[11:45] Gin
    All I got are some sagging balls.
[11:47] Shin
    That doesn't mean you should
    paint your balls silver.
[11:50] Kagura
    Make them stop sagging.
[11:52] Gin
    It doesn't work that way!
[11:54] Gin
    This trade would be like highway robbery!
[11:58] Shin
    It's the thought that counts.
[12:00] Gin
    Then you go give them your thought!
[12:02] Kagura
    Calm down. Just make them stop sagging.
[12:04] Gin
    I said that it doesn't work that way!
[12:06] Sei
    Uh, is something wrong, Gin-san?
[12:09] Gin
    No, you see...
[12:12] Tsu
    Ahem.
[12:17] Tsu
    I'll let you borrow this.
[12:18] Tsu
    Hand it to him.
[12:20] Both
    She's helping us!
[12:22] Both
    She's letting us rent a golden bar!
[12:25] Gin
    I can't afford to borrow that!
[12:28] Gin
    I won't be able to pay you back!
[12:30] Tsu
    We're only letting you borrow
    this temporarily anyway.
[12:33] Gin
    I don't need it!
[12:35] Gin
    You think I can hand that
    over with a straight face?!
[12:37] Tsu
    Stop trying to act tough!
[12:39] Gin
    Keep your voice down! He'll hear you!
[12:42] Tsu
    It's your fault for refusing to take it!
[12:45] Gin
    You're talking out loud and
    covering up your coughing!
[12:48] Shin
    Hey!
[12:49] Shin
    Gin-san, Tsukuyo-san!
[12:50] Shin
    We can hear everything you're saying!
[12:53] Shin
    Seita-kun's trying to pretend
    that he didn't see anything!
[12:56] Gin
    Fine.
[12:57] Gin
    If you're gonna insist, I'll borrow it.
[12:59] Gin
    Don't look at me.
[13:01] Gin
    Where? Where is it?
[13:03] Tsu
    Right here.
[13:04] Tsu
    The rod is right here.
[13:05] Gin
    Rod?
[13:06] Tsu
    No, it's lower.
[13:10] Gin
    Rod? This is more like a ball.
[13:13] Tsu
    What do you think you're doing?!
[13:15] Sei
    G-Gin-san!
[13:23] Gin
    And there's your New Year's envelope.
[13:36] Kagura
    Are you going to keep
    coughing up white balls?
[13:39] Kagura
    The last pair was half-digested.
[13:43] Gin
    I won't be able to use that trick again.
[13:45] Shin
    You never should have been
    able to use that trick.
[13:47] Gin
    Let's just stop.
[13:48] Gin
    This isn't my thing.
[13:52] Gin
    I'm not the kind of person
    who hands out money.
[13:56] Gin
    Let's just spend it on ourselves
    and go out on the town.
[13:59] Gin
    It's on me.
[14:00] Shin
    Don't spend our hard-earned
    money on yourself!
[14:04] Gin
    But there aren't any
    other kids in this show.
[14:06] Gin
    All we got are a bunch of
    old men who act like kids.
[14:09] Shin
    Nobody ever said that you
[14:10] ---
    have to give New Year's
    envelopes to kids.
[14:12] Shin
    You could give one to
    a younger colleague.
[14:14] Gin
    Colleague? I don't have any of those.
SIGN    Gintoki-senpai!
[14:20] Gin
    Hey, who was that?!
SIGN    Oh, it's Gintoki-senpai!
[14:22] Zura
    Oh, Gintoki.
[14:23] Zura
    Come over here. I just
    met a familiar face.
[14:28] Zura
    Do you remember him?
[14:30] Zura
    We fought together as Joi.
[14:34] Zura
    Elisugizabe...
[14:36] Gin
    When did this monster become
    a colleague of mine?
SIGN    That's mean, senpai. How could you forget about me? You'll destroy the world then.
[14:39] Gin
    Why are you using these new signs?!
[14:43] Gin
    And that won't destroy the world!
[14:44] Zura
    How could you forget our comrade?
[14:48] Zura
    No matter. It's New Year's, so
    you should give him an envelope.
SIGN    I simply destroy.
[14:52] Gin
    That ain't happening!
    He's so obviously a fake!
SIGN    Until the beast stops howling.
[14:55] Gin
    And why are you talking like Takasugi?!
[14:58] Zura
    You haven't changed at all, Zabethke.
SIGN    You may complain now,
SIGN    but you'll give me a New Year's envelope in the end.
SIGN    That's what makes you Gintoki-senpai!
[15:05] Gin
    Why are you acting like
    this happened before?!
[15:07] Gin
    I'm not giving you anything!
[15:09] Zura
    Oh, that's right.
[15:10] Zura
    I have envelopes for
    Shinpachi-kun and Leader.
[15:14] Zura
    Take your pick.
[15:17] Kagura
    Really, Zura?
SIGN    Joi Patriot Training Course 10,000 yen
SIGN    Joi Patriot Training Course 5,000 yen
[15:20] Zura
    Tickets for 5,000 yen and 10,000
    yen Joi Patriot training courses.
SIGN    Become a Joi Patriot!!! 5,000 yen course
[15:25] Zura
    The 5,000 yen course makes you
    a Joi patriot in three days.
SIGN    Become a Joi Patriot!!! 10,000 yen course
[15:28] Zura
    The 10,000 yen course is the
    same as the 5,000 yen course,
[15:31] Zura
    but you also receive 5,000 yen!
[15:33] Both
    Then you only need to offer
    the 5,000 yen course!
[15:36] Kyu
    Gintoki!
[15:38] Gin
    Hm? It's Kyubei.
[15:41] Gin
    Why are you in such a rush?
[15:43] Kyu
    Yes, I've been hearing stories about you.
[15:45] Gin
    About me?
[15:47] Kyu
    Well, I heard you were
    passing out balls today.
[15:52] Gin
    That would make me a sicko!
[15:54] Gin
    That's not even possible!
[15:55] Gin
    It's not like I have extra balls!
[15:57] Kyu
    What? Impossible!
[15:58] Shin
    Uh, why would you ever
    believe those stories?
[16:01] Shin
    And what would you do with those balls?
[16:04] Kyu
    If I also received a rod next year,
    I'd be set for the operation.
[16:08] Gin
    I'm not handing out anything!
[16:09] Gin
    And what do rods have
    to do with New Year's?!
[16:13] Gin
    You're just being weird!
[16:14] Tojo
    Young lady!
[16:17] Tojo
    Don't do it!
[16:19] Kyu
    Tojo...
[16:20] Tojo
    Don't do it!
[16:21] Tojo
    You must not touch his spineless balls!
[16:25] Kyu
    Balls never have spines.
[16:27] Tojo
    That's not what I meant!
[16:28] Kyu
    What's the problem then?
[16:30] Tojo
    Everything! His dirty balls are not
    meant for a well-to-do lady like yourself!
[16:35] Gin
    Eh? Did you say my balls are dirty?
[16:37] Gin
    They're cleaner than yours!
[16:39] Gin
    Squeaky clean!
[16:40] Tojo
    No! Mine are absolutely cleaner!
[16:42] Tojo
    Because I just visited a ****
    on the first day of the year
[16:46] Tojo
    and got them washed squeaky clean!
[16:47] Tojo
    I can prove it!
[16:52] Gin
    Hey, let's stop this.
[16:54] Gin
    Obviously, nothing good happens when I
    try to hand out New Year's envelopes.
[16:57] Gin
    I haven't even managed
    to hand one over yet.
[16:59] Shin
    Th-That's not true.
[17:01] Gin
    Since kids and colleagues are
    out, who does that leave?
SIGN    New Year's envelope please.
[17:17] Gin
    Hey, let's stop this.
[17:19] Gin
    Obviously, nothing good happens when I
    try to hand out New Year's envelopes.
[17:22] Gin
    I haven't even managed
    to hand one over yet.
[17:25] Shin
    Th-That's not true.
[17:27] Gin
    Since kids and colleagues are
    out, who does that leave?
SIGN    New Year's envelope please.
[17:39] Gin
    H-Hey, let's stop this.
[17:42] Gin
    Obviously, nothing good happens when I
    try to hand out New Year's envelopes.
[17:45] Gin
    I-I haven't even managed
    to hand one over yet.
SIGN    New Year's envelope please.
[17:55] Gin
    Hey! Let's stop this!
[17:58] Gin
    Obviously, nothing good happens when I
    try to hand out New Year's envelopes!
[18:01] Gin
    I haven't even managed
    to hand one over yet!
[18:03] Shin
    That's not true!
[18:04] Gin
    Since kids and colleagues are
    out, who does that leave?!
[18:11] Gin
    Hey, let's stop this.
[18:14] Gin
    Obviously, nothing good happens...
[18:20] Madao
    Happy New Year.
[18:22] Gin
    Where's the happy?!
[18:23] Gin
    We're stuck in this dark place now!
[18:26] Shin
    We've been trapped!
[18:28] Gin
    What did you do?!
[18:30] Shin
    Hey! His sunglasses are
    actually pure darkness!
[18:33] Shin
    His eyes are completely dark now!
[18:36] Madao
    A new year has come, but the
    darkness hasn't left my eyes.
[18:40] Shin
    His voice is ringing inside my head!
[18:44] Madao
    Perfect timing, Shinpachi-kun,
    Kagura-chan.
[18:47] Madao
    I have New Year's envelopes for you.
[18:49] Madao
    You people keep taking from me.
[18:53] Shin
    No, it's okay!
[18:54] Shin
    We don't need anything!
[18:54] Shin
    There's nothing to take from you!
[18:57] Madao
    Cardboard wing.
[18:59] Madao
    Vinyl wing.
[19:03] Madao
    Rip off whichever one you want.
[19:05] Shin
    I can't do that!
[19:06] Shin
    They're worthless, but I can't do that!
[19:09] Madao
    Want to see what happens if you
    rip off the cardboard wing?
[19:12] Madao
    I can't wait.
[19:14] Gin
    Hey, he did something funny
    to the cardboard wing!
[19:16] Madao
    But the vinyl wing is also...
[19:19] Gin
    What's going on?!
[19:21] Gin
    Let's give him money and get out of here!
[19:23] Gin
    Why are we even here?!
[19:24] Gin
    I'm getting sick of
    this, so can we go home?
[19:26] Sa
    No.
[19:28] Sa
    You're not doing it right.
[19:31] Sa
    Come over here.
[19:34] Sa
    Hey, did you know?
[19:36] Sa
    New Year's envelopes aren't
    only meant for kids.
[19:40] Sa
    Welcome to the adult New Year's envelope.
[19:45] Sa
    I'll be the envelope for your rod.
[19:49] Sa
    My envelope is open for you.
[19:52] Gin
    I'll stick this ball
    in your envelope then.
[19:58] Gin
    Sorry about this.
[20:01] Gin
    You were trying to help,
[20:03] ---
    but I couldn't give an
    envelope to a single person.
[20:06] Gin
    I guess it's harder when
    the money isn't my own.
[20:10] Gin
    I'll give this back to you.
[20:13] Gin
    And these, too.
[20:17] Kagura
    Gin-chan, what are these?
[20:20] Gin
    It wasn't easy.
[20:21] Gin
    I spend my money so fast
SIGN    For Shinpachi
[20:25] Gin
    that I forgot where I hid my own money.
SIGN    For Kagura
[20:33] Gin
    It was in my shoe.
[20:36] Kagura
    I see. That's why it stinks.
[20:48] Shin
    Well, now that we have money...
[20:50] Kagura
    Let's go party.
[20:53] Gin
    Hey, you were complaining
    about how I spend money,
[20:56] Gin
    and now you're doing the same?
[20:58] Shin
    That's because you share
    your soul with us everyday.
[21:04] Shin
    Money isn't meant to be held overnight.
[21:06] Kagura
    Right on!
[21:08] Gin
    What are you idiots talking about?
SIGN    A massage from Gin-san (one time use).
SIGN    A glasses-wiping by Gin-san (one time use).
SIGN    Next Time
[23:23] Shin
    Hey! Why are you two just lying around?!
[23:26] Kagura
    What? I can't brush my teeth after
    I'm already under a kotatsu.
SIGN    When Sleeping Under a Kotatsu, Make Sure You Don't Burn Your Balls
[23:31] Gin
    Man, I'm too lazy to
    read the episode title.
[23:33] Shin
    Hey!
SIGN    The kotatsu is an enticing trap. Once you're inside, you're paralyzed.
SIGN    We'll just be lying around next week. And don't say that we do that every week.