E16 - If You Stop and Think About It, Your Life’s a Lot Longer as an Old Guy Than a Kid! Whoa, Scary!!

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    
SIGN    [He lost his head once and followed his bliss. Then he was fired and his wife ran out on him.]
SIGN    [Dumb Old Retarded Kook Hasegawa. Another day of sunbathing at the park.]
SIGN    [Oedo Children's Park]
[01:50] Kagura
    Hey, Pops!
[01:56] Hasegawa
    What, little Odd Jobs girl?
[02:01] Kagura
    Why are you always here in the middle of the day?
[02:09] Hasegawa
    Well...
[02:11] Hasegawa
    Because I was fired from work.
[02:16] Kagura
    Why were you fired?
[02:21] Hasegawa
    Well... Because...
[02:25] ---
    It's because I lost my head once and just followed my bliss.
[02:29] Hasegawa
    A young girl like you should always think about the consequences of your actions.
[02:35] Hasegawa
    Life is long, you know.
[02:38] Kagura
    I don't want to hear that from a loser like you.
[02:43] Kagura
    See ya, you Dumb Old Retarded Kook! Or "DORK" for short!
[02:48] Kagura
    Let's go, Sadaharu.
[02:57] Hasegawa
    Well...Kids these days are really...
[03:00] ---
    Huh? How strange... Everything got misty and I can't see.
SIGN    ["If You Stop and Think About It, Your Life's a Lot Longer as an Old Guy than a Kid! Whoa, Scary!"]
[03:14] Kagura
    See ya, you Dumb Old Retarded Kook! Or "DORK" for short!
[03:20] Hasegawa (M)
    "DORK"... that name fits me well.
[03:26] Hasagawa (N)
    To think until just a little while ago I was on the path to great success.
[03:33] Hasegawa (N)
    If only I hadn't made that one error...
[03:37] Hasegawa (N)
    The next day, I was summoned by my boss.
[03:40] Boss
    Cut your guts out.
[03:42] Hasegawa
    Seriously?!
[03:43] Hasegawa (N)
    He ordered me to commit seppuku.
[03:48] Hasegawa (N)
    I got scared, so I was going skip town...
[03:53] Hasegawa (N)
    But my wife left me first.
[03:56] Wife
    I can't stand by a DORKH (Dumb Old Retarded Kook Husband) like you anymore. Hatsu.
[04:04] Hasegawa (N)
    I lost everything. The only thing I had left were these black sunglasses.
[04:13] Hasegawa (N)
    Well...I lost everything, but I gained something else in return.
[04:17] Gintoki
    Yo!
[04:19] Gintoki
    Back again, huh? Well, have you racked up the pachinko balls today?
[04:23] Hasegawa (N)
    A strange guy I've fallen in with.
[04:25] Gintoki
    By the way,
[04:27] Gintoki
    a guy your age, killing time at this place every day...
[04:32] Gintoki
    It's sad to say, but you're like one of those vegetables that stick to the lid of the cup of chow mein.
[04:35] Hasegawa
    What about you?
[04:37] Hasegawa
    Why is a young guy like you always coming here during the day?
[04:41] Gintoki
    When your blood sugar level drops, you don't know what to do.
[04:47] Gintoki
    So, when that happens, watching small balls popping around like this makes me feel better.
[04:53] Hasegawa (N)
    It's said that birds of a feather...
[04:55] ---
    I felt that he was a fellow human being... It's like...he didn't have any guarantee of living and...
[05:01] Gintoki
    Oh! I feel like I'll win today.
[05:05] Gintoki
    Oh? You're leaving already?
[05:07] Hasegawa
    Actually, I'm going to a job interview.
[05:10] Gintoki
    Oh? I didn't know you were making a serious effort.
[05:13] Hasegawa
    Kind of. See ya.
[05:15] Gintoki
    Oh? Is my luck already over?
[05:20] Hasegawa (N)
    That's right. I need something new, anyway.
[05:26] Hasegawa (N)
    I know I'm a DORK, but I should at least become a better man.
SIGN    [Shuei Commercial Company] [Mid-Career Employment Opportunities] [Interview site]
[05:41] Hasegawa
    Um...
[05:43] Shoji
    Hey! Stop surprising me, Pops!
[05:46] Hasegawa
    Well...You surprised me.
[05:49] ---
    Um... You need a light?
[05:53] Shoji
    Ah... Thanks.
[05:55] Shoji
    I'm really wound up.
[05:57] Hasegawa
    It's upside down. You're too nervous!
[06:00] Shoji
    Sorry, sorry. This is the first time I've been to a place like this.
[06:03] Hasegawa
    Huh?
[06:04] Shoji
    My woman has been providing for me... But now she's pregnant...
[06:09] Shoji
    ...and pretty soon...she's going to have a baby.
[06:12] Shoji
    So, I thought I should become a real man.
[06:16] Shoji
    And I should get...a real job!
[06:20] Hasegawa
    H-Hey! It's burning! It's burning!
[06:22] Shoji
    Oh, yeah! A flame of responsibility is flaring up deep in my heart!
[06:27] Hasegawa
    No, no! Your head is burning!
[06:33] Shoji
    Oh, my god!
[06:36] Shoji
    What should I do? Water! Water! Water!
[06:37] Interviewer
    Shoji Endo-san, it's time for your interview.
[06:40] ---
    Is that fireworks?!
[06:41] Shoji
    My wife is taking care of the housework! From now on, I'll earn money for my family!
[06:46] Interviewer
    Not that kind of works!
[06:55] Hasegawa
    H-Hey!
[06:59] Hasegawa (N)
    Compared to him, my responsibilities, as a DORK, are so small.
[07:05] Hasegawa
    I'm Taizo Hasegawa. It's good to meet you.
[07:09] Onishi
    ...Senpai...?
[07:10] Hasegawa
    Oh?
[07:11] Onishi
    Hasegawa Senpai, is that you?!
[07:13] Hasegawa
    You...quit the Department of Immigration Control?
[07:16] Onishi
    I'm Onishi!
[07:18] Onishi
    Oh, my! I never thought I'd see you in a place like this! What are you doing here?
[07:23] Hasegawa
    I've had a lot of problems.
[07:25] ---
    But I'm glad to know you're working for this company.
[07:29] ---
    I wonder if you can put in a good word for me with your boss for old time's sake.
[07:32] Onishi
    Are you kidding?!
[07:34] Hasegawa
    Um...Oh? Onishi-kun?
[07:37] Onishi
    You, Hasegawa!
[07:39] Onishi
    Thanks for everything you did for me while I was working at the Department of Immigration Control!
[07:44] Hasegawa
    Well, I didn't have any choice, at the time, because of my boss.
[07:48] Onishi
    Shut up! If you want to work here, get on your knees and shave off that goatee, baldy!
[07:55] Hasegawa
    My goatee?
[07:57] Onishi
    No complaining! And take off those sunglasses!
[08:01] Hasegawa
    No, please...my sunglasses...
[08:03] Onishi
    You don't have a job, but you do have some hang-ups, huh?!
[08:06] Onishi
    You know what, you're a Dumb Old Retarded Kooky Geek, a DORKG!
[08:16] Hasegawa (N)
    Anyway, everything has been going wrong since then.
[08:19] Interviewer B
    Can you do something about your hairstyle and sunglasses?
[08:24] Interviewer B
    They make you look like a DORK! A Drowsy Old Retarded Kook.
[08:29] Interviewer C
    Your bad breath and sunglasses are a problem. You're a...
[08:34] Interviewer C
    DORK, a Degraded Old Retarded Kook.
[08:38] Hasegawa (N)
    No matter where I go, I'm called DORK.
[08:42] Customer
    Hey, Master! This soup and fried tofu tastes really awful!
[08:46] Customer
    In short, it's DORKS! A Disgusting Overcooked Rotten Kefir flavored Stock.
[08:48] Hasegawa
    Shut up!
[08:51] Hasegawa
    What's wrong with being a DORK?!
[08:56] Hasegawa (N)
    There's nothing like sake to help me relax.
[08:59] Mu-San
    You know, I'm having chest pains around here these days...
[09:04] Mu-San
    I wonder if this is a love sickness.
[09:06] Otose
    You should go see a doctor, Mu-san.
[09:09] Otose
    Get home safely.
[09:13] Otose
    Oh, welcome.
[09:21] Otose
    Hey, you! I'm closing.
[09:25] Hasegawa
    Huh? Can't you let me stay a bit longer for another cup of sake?
[09:29] Hasegawa
    I'm trying to get rid of harsh realities, that weigh heavily on my stomach, with sake.
[09:34] Otose
    Well, I hope you don't throw up the food you just ate,
[09:37] Otose
    which weighs heavy on your stomach, on the bar counter.
[09:39] Otose
    Hey, take off your sunglasses and wake up.
[09:42] Hasegawa
    Leave me alone. I'm fine.
[09:46] Otose
    What are you talking about?
[09:47] Otose
    You're a Drunk Old Recovering Knocked Down Customer.
[09:51] Otose
    ...in short, a DORKC.
[09:55] Hasegawa
    Keh. Whatever... DORKC... What the hell?!
[10:00] Pimp
    Hey, brother! I have the perfect bar for you.
[10:03] Hasegawa (M)
    Well, why not?
SIGN    [Snack SMILE]
[10:07] Otae
    Nice to meet you. I'm Otae.
[10:10] Hasegawa
    This looks like a really expensive place. But I don't have much money.
[10:14] Otae
    Is that so? I understand.
[10:16] ---
    Excuse me! One Dom Pérignon!
[10:18] Hasegawa
    She didn't get it! This lady doesn't understand Japanese!
[10:22] Hasegawa
    Is this the International Pub?
[10:24] Otae
    Sir...
[10:25] Otae
    Your watch, ring and sunglasses look expensive, so why don't you sell them?
[10:30] Hasegawa
    No, not my sunglasses! Is this a highway robbery pub?
[10:33] Otae
    You're still being stubborn.
[10:36] Otae
    You're a Diehard Older Rigid Kind of Man. In short, a DORKM, sir.
[10:41] Hasegawa
    Hold on!
[10:43] Hasegawa
    Are you trying to say, if I weren't so stubborn,
[10:45] Hasegawa
    I would become a Desirable Older Respectful Kind-hearted Man? A DORKM?!
[10:54] Otae
    What would you like to order, sir?
[10:57] Hasegawa
    One Dom Péri, please.
[10:59] Boy
    Thank you very much!
[11:09] Hasegawa
    Man, it's almost dawn.
[11:12] Katsura
    Hey, you...wait a minute.
[11:14] Hasegawa
    What? Why would a monk need me?
[11:17] Katsura
    I'm not a monk.
[11:19] ---
    I'm Katsura.
[11:20] Katsura
    I know this is sudden, but...
[11:22] Katsura
    Are you interested in taking up a sword and venturing out for the dawning of Japan?
[11:26] Hasegawa
    What are you trying to say this early in the morning?
[11:33] Hijikata
    Katsura! Be prepared to lose today!
[11:37] Katsura
    Tsk! The Shinsengumi!
[11:39] ---
    Let's retreat for now.
[11:41] Hasegawa
    Hey! What's going on, brother?
[11:43] Katsura
    I'm not your brother! I'm Katsura!
[11:47] Hasegawa
    All right. I know, already!
[11:56] Hijikata
    The game is about over, bomber!
[12:00] Hasegawa
    Whatever.
[12:02] Hijikata
    Come on! Why don't you confess?!
[12:05] Hasegawa
    I already said that I have nothing to do with it.
[12:07] Hijikata
    I understand. So just tell us where Katsura is hiding.
[12:12] Hasegawa
    You really don't understand what I said!
[12:14] Okita
    You know, you don't have any identification and you keep insisting that you're not involved.
[12:18] Okita
    Because of that, we can't help but suspect you.
[12:21] Hasegawa
    I'm telling you, I'm Hasegawa, and I used to work at the Department of Immigration Control.
[12:25] Hasegawa
    You'd know if you checked!
[12:27] Hijikata
    If you are going to lie, at least make it believable.
[12:30] Hasegawa
    No, it's true, already!
[12:32] Okita
    Then we'll strip you and check!
[12:35] Hijikata
    Take off your sunglasses. Your sunglasses!
[12:37] Hasegawa
    Hold on a minute! Not my sunglasses!
[12:40] Hasegawa
    Hopefully not my clothes, either! Believe me, I used to work at the Department of Immigration Control!
[12:45] Okita
    You know, you're a Deceiving Overprotected Red-handed Kook, in short, DORK.
[12:50] Hijikata
    Take your clothes off, now!
SIGN    [Investigation room]
[12:52] Hasegawa (N)
    After all, I'm a DORK no matter where I go.
[12:52] Hasegawa
    No, not those!
[12:53] Okita
    Give up, old man!
[12:55] Hijikata
    Don't come back!
[12:57] Okita
    I guess we got up early this morning for nothing.
[12:59] Hijikata
    So true.
[13:01] Hasegawa (N)
    The only thing I had left were these sunglasses.
[13:06] Gintoki
    Hey! You'd better listen to me!
[13:09] Gintoki
    Hey, what are you doing here?
[13:13] Gintoki
    I see. Your interview didn't go well again.
[13:16] Hasegawa
    Right, they totally shot me down.
[13:18] Hasegawa
    In fact, I was tangled up with so many strange guys...
[13:23] Hasegawa
    Every one of them called me a DORK and wanted me to take off my sunglasses.
[13:27] Hasegawa
    These sunglasses are a part of my face.
    There's no way I can take them off.
[13:34] Gintoki
    Dumbass! Stop blaming everything on your sunglasses!
[13:38] Gintoki
    Do you blame a rock when you trip over it? Does it change anything?
[13:42] Master
    Well, all you need to do is take off your sunglasses.
[13:45] Hasegawa
    Heh... You're saying it's because of my sunglasses that I can't change myself?
[13:49] Hasegawa
    You think I can change myself at this age?
[13:53] Gintoki
    That's enough. Sit down.
[13:55] ---
    Hey, Master. Give him something that reminds him of his mother's cooking.
[13:59] Master
    Now how the hell do I do that?
SIGN    [Oden]
[14:00] Gintoki
    Speaking of his mother's cooking, there's nothing better than Digestive Biscuits!
[14:04] Master
    What kind of mother are you talking about?!
[14:07] Gintoki
    Hasegawa-san, It's okay to have a code of honor...and live by it...
[14:13] Gintoki
    But if you can't get anywhere because of it,
[14:17] Gintoki
    it might not be a bad idea to reverse course.
[14:21] Gintoki
    Why not break all the rules?
[14:25] Gintoki
    Along the way, there'll come a point when you finally find something that matters to you
[14:29] Gintoki
    more than your code, right?
[14:32] Gintoki
    After that, you can wear your sunglasses as much as you want.
[14:36] Hasegawa (N)
    And I...
[14:50] Hasegawa
    I'm Taizo Hasegawa. Nice to meet you.
[14:55] Hasegawa (N)
    I've finally taken off my sunglasses.
[14:58] Interviewer D
    What kind of work did you do before, Hasegawa-san?
[15:01] Hasegawa
    I was fighting against evil aliens to save Earth.
[15:05] Interview D
    You're so funny.
[15:07] ---
    We'll hire you.
[15:09] Hasegawa (N)
    I didn't realize that just taking off my sunglasses could make this much difference in my life.
[15:14] Hasegawa (N)
    I hate doing what young people tell me to, but now I think it has nothing to do with age.
[15:20] Hasegawa (N)
    Even people who haven't lived as long as me know more about life.
[15:27] Hasegawa
    Sir, where to?
[15:29] Sergeant
    Don't call him sir! Call him President!
[15:32] Hasegawa
    Huh?
[15:33] Shinpachi
    Cut it out, guys! Sorry, Driver. Please take us to the Cultural Center.
[15:40] Hasegawa
    All right, President.
[15:41] Sergeant
    Hurry up! Otsu-chan's live show is about to start!
[15:45] Hasegawa
    All right, President.
[15:47] Sergeant
    I'm not a President! I'm a sergeant!
[15:50] Hasegawa (N)
    Through my work as a driver...I realize how great it is to have a destination.
[15:57] Otose
    The "Back From the Dead" salon.
[15:59] Hasegawa (N)
    I had so many customers. And everyone had a clear vision.
[16:00] Mu-San
    To the hospital.
[16:02] Otae
    To Kabukicho.
[16:05] Kondo
    To Kabukicho.
[16:06] Hasegawa (N)
    My life has sure changed... But I no longer have a destination.
[16:08] Katsura
    Drive until I see the dawn of a new Japan.
[16:11] Okita
    You see the skuzzy-looking guy smoking over there? Run him over, but try not to kill him.
[16:18] Hasegawa (N)
    What should an old fellow like me do?
[16:21] ---
    I wonder where I should go?
[16:24] Hasegawa (N)
    I feel like a child who has no destination.
[16:28] Hasegawa (N)
    I'm... I'm... I'm...!
[16:32] Gintoki
    I don't care where, but take me someplace.
[16:35] Hasegawa (N)
    Then I found someone who is a lost child like me.
[16:38] Gintoki
    I have nothing to do. Take me around anywhere for free.
[16:42] Hasegawa
    Are you kidding me?! I'm on the job.
[16:45] Gintoki
    It's okay. I just want to see the other side of the horizon.
[16:49] Hasegawa
    Who do you think you are...my girlfriend?!
[16:51] Gintoki
    How's your job?
[16:53] Hasegawa
    It was fine until you got in.
[16:55] Gintoki
    You looked like a dead man when I saw you the other day, but you look better now.
[17:01] Hasegawa
    Whatever. Nothing has changed.
[17:04] Hasegawa
    I changed my job, but I still don't have a purpose.
[17:08] Hasegawa
    I don't have a clear vision for my future.
[17:10] Gintoki
    I guess everyone is in the same boat.
[17:12] Gintoki
    If you keep seeking it, you'll find it eventually.
[17:16] Hasegawa
    I don't think so.
[17:18] Hasegawa
    Because, in this show, you and I are the only ones with cloudy looking eyes.
[17:23] Hasegawa
    Oh, here comes a customer. Get out of my car, jackass!
[17:32] Hasegawa
    Why is he here?! What is he doing here?!
[17:35] Gintoki
    Start the car now! I don't want to get in trouble!
[17:38] Hata Oji
    Take me to Ueno Zoo. And make it snappy, please.
[17:42] Hata Oji
    Oh? Haven't I seen you two somewhere before?
[17:46] Hasegawa
    I don't know. Who are you?
[17:49] Hasegawa
    You have something nasty on your head.
[17:51] Gintoki
    Earthlings, um, all look like they've been sucking on lemons.
[17:54] Hata Oji
    Oh I see. Fair enough.
[17:56] Gintoki
    So, Hasegawa-san, I have to go to abacus class now. Have a nice day!
[18:00] Hasegawa
    Wait!
[18:02] Hasegawa
    Don't leave me alone! I'm begging you!
[18:04] Hasegawa
    Don't leave this old fellow all alone! I'm old! If I get too lonely I'll die!
[18:08] Gintoki
    What are you... a hamster or something?!
[18:10] Hata Oji
    Hey, start the car!
[18:12] Hasegawa
    Y-Yes. I'm sorry.
[18:19] Hasegawa
    Luckily, it appears he doesn't remember me.
[18:22] Hasegawa
    Let's take him there quickly and leave before he does remember. Then we'll be safe.
[18:24] Gintoki
    Then release me now.
[18:27] Hasegawa
    No, sir, uh-huh! Me scared...and lonely!
[18:28] Gintoki
    Why are you speaking like a foreigner now?!
[18:30] Hata Oji
    I can't believe he had his driver's license suspended.
[18:36] Hata Oji
    Why do I, a prince, have to take a dirty taxi?
[18:41] Hata Oji
    Hey, silver-haired man! If you have nothing to do, give me some service.
[18:48] Hata Oji
    Well... I said service, but why are you washing my hair?
[18:52] Gintoki
    Mr. President, what brought you to Earth?
[18:55] Hata Oji
    I'm not a president. What are you talking about?!
[18:58] Hata Oji
    You know, I just wanted to see a panda all of a sudden. Ow! Ow!
[19:02] Hata Oji
    I've got shampoo in my eyes! You did that on purpose, didn't you?!
[19:05] Gintoki
    I see... You've come to see a panda, Mr. President.
[19:09] Gintoki
    But don't be fooled.
[19:11] Gintoki
    It's said that they eat only bamboo, but we never know what they really eat.
[19:17] Gintoki
    They may even eat Shabu-Shabu.
[19:26] Hasegawa
    I-I-I-I-Idiot! Are you trying to get yourself killed?! What were you thinking?!
[19:30] Hasegawa
    I saw you at my job interview.
[19:33] Shoji
    Oh, Pops! This is an emergency.
    Please give us a ride!
[19:37] Hasegawa
    Ugh! I can't breathe! Stop!
[19:38] Shoji
    Sachiko... my Sachiko has suddenly gone into labor!
[19:42] Omithata Oji
    My goodness! My charm point has been pulled off!
[19:45] Gintoki
    Oops! Because the car stopped suddenly, it accidentally fell off.
[19:49] Hata Oji
    What are you going to do about this?!
[19:51] Hata Oji
    Without this, I look like a human. Like an assistant manager!
[19:55] Gintoki
    Don't worry. You look at least manager level.
[19:58] Hata Oji
    That's not my point!
[20:01] Gintoki
    You know what? It fell off so easily,
    so it must mean you don't need it.
[20:04] Hasegawa
    Hey, you two!
[20:06] Hasegawa
    There's a woman who's gone into labor!
[20:09] Hasegawa
    Gin-san, is there a maternity clinic nearby?
[20:12] Gintoki
    Nope. You'll have to turn back.
[20:14] Hasegawa
    Tsk. Then we should go back.
[20:16] Hata Oji
    Are you kidding?!
[20:18] Hata Oji
    I lose my charm point and now I have to go back? Give me a break!
[20:21] Hata Oji
    All right, the least you can do is take me to the damn panda!
[20:25] Hata Oji
    Now get moving!
[20:27] Hasegawa
    Can't you direct a tiny fraction of your love for pandas towards human beings?
[20:32] Hasegawa
    A human baby-that's real cute, too, you know.
[20:35] Hata Oji
    Who cares? Who gets cuddly feelings about uppity, hairless monkeys?!
[20:41] Hata Oji
    I really don't care what happens to one or two human babies!
[20:45] ---
    Who do you think I am?! I'm... I'm...
[20:49] Gintoki
    Who are you?! You're just some assistant manager, right?
[20:53] Hasegawa
    Cut it out. What do you think you're doing to the Prince?
[20:59] Hasegawa
    I understand, Prince.
[21:02] Hawagawa
    You'll be happy if you see a panda, right?
[21:05] Hawagawa
    I just remembered there's a panda nearby, actually.
[21:10] Hata Oji
    What? Really? Where?
[21:12] Hasegawa
    Just look at your face in the mirror tomorrow!
[21:28] Hasegawa
    Hey, you hoodlum couple! My cab's suddenly empty. You need a ride?
[21:32] Shoji
    Pops! I owe you one!
[21:37] Gintoki
    Hasegawa-san, just as I thought...
[21:42] Gintoki
    ...you look much better with your sunglasses on.
[21:45] Hasegawa
    I know that.
SIGN    [Oedo Children's Park]
[21:50] Kagura
    Hey, old man!
[21:52] Kagura
    I haven't seen you in a while. Why did you come back here?
[21:59] ---
    Because I was fired again.
[22:04] Kagura
    Why were you fired?
[22:07] Hasegawa
    Oh? Because...
[22:10] Hasegawa
    I was true to myself.
[22:13] Hasegawa
    But I'm not really disappointed.
[22:16] Hasegawa
    I may be a hard case, but I am what I am. I've decided to live my life the way I want.
[22:21] Kagura
    Don't go thinking you're cool just because you call yourself a "Hard Case," you jobless loser!
[22:27] Kagura
    Let's go, Sadaharu.
[22:28] Kagura
    See ya Delusional Old Reality-ignoring Knocklehead. Or "DORK" for short.
[22:40] Hasegawa
    I'm starting to feel dissatisfied again.
SIGN    
SIGN    Takasugi, what are you doing here?
[24:24] Takasugi
    I heard there was a festival. So I had to come.
[24:29] Gintoki
    Don't tell me... You bastard...
[24:32] Gintoki
    The next episode:
[24:33] Gintoki
    "Sons Only Take After Their Fathers' Negative Attributes."
SIGN    ["Gengai Hiraga" Brilliant inventor in Edo. His robots are going to perform at the country opening festival.]
SIGN    [Karakuri Robot "Saburo" playing house with Kagura?]
[55:22] Hijikata
    Get him!
[55:43] Samurai
    Oh!