E166 - Two Is Better Than One. Two People Are Better Than One.

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[01:40] Hijikata
    Man, I'm sleepy...
[01:52] Hijikata
    Three days without any action.
[01:54] Hijikata
    But he should be making a move soon.
[02:01] Hijikata
    Hijikata here.
[02:02] Hijikata
    No change here yet.
[02:04] Hijikata
    How's it going over there?
[02:06] Okita
    Roger.
[02:08] Hijikata
    No, don't just roger me.
[02:10] Hijikata
    I'm asking how the back door looks.
[02:12] Hijikata
    How's it going over there?
[02:17] Okita
    I prefer more MSG flavor.
[02:21] Hijikata
    Huh?
[02:23] Okita
    Oh, just an issue on my side.
[02:26] Okita
    More like a taste issue.
SIGN    [Whinery]
[02:28] Hijikata
    Why are you eating in the
    middle of a stakeout?
[02:30] Hijikata
    And your slurping's too loud!
[02:31] Guy
    Hey, big guy.
[02:33] Guy
    You're bothering the other customers.
[02:35] Guy
    Could you stop talking
    on your cell phone?
[02:38] Okita
    Roger.
[02:39] Hijikata
    Roger, my ass!
[02:40] Hijikata
    Get back to your post!
[02:44] Hijikata
    Bastard...pisses me off.
[02:47] Gintoki
    Uh, excuse me.
[02:50] Gintoki
    Could you move?
[02:52] Hijikata
    Huh? You're...
SIGN    ["Two Is Better Than One. Two People Are Better Than One."]
[03:05] Gintoki
    Look here...
[03:06] Gintoki
    You see?
[03:08] Gintoki
    This is where everybody
    throws their trash.
[03:11] Gintoki
    It's not like this place belongs
    to you, ya know?
[03:14] Gintoki
    Or what?
[03:16] Gintoki
    Is this your trash can?
[03:19] Hijikata
    He's half asleep.
[03:21] Hijikata
    He hasn't noticed me?
[03:23] Hijikata
    Tch.
[03:24] Hijikata
    I just had to run into this troublemaker...
[03:27] Hijikata
    I don't have time to deal with him.
[03:29] Gintoki
    Stuff that belongs to everyone
    should be shared by everyone.
[03:33] Gintoki
    Stuff that belongs to you should
    be shared by everyone.
[03:35] Gintoki
    Like a reverse Jaian kind of thing.
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Jaian from Doraemon. His famous line is "Your stuff is mine, my stuff is mine."]
[03:39] Gintoki
    You have to follow the proper
    manners for sharing.
[03:42] Gintoki
    Got it?
[03:43] Hijikata
    Yeah, I get it. I get it.
[03:45] Hijikata
    My bad.
[03:46] Gintoki
    What kind of response is that?
[03:49] Gintoki
    You think that's enough to get
    you out of any situation?
[03:54] Gintoki
    Are you like a husband on
    his third year of marriage?
[03:56] Gintoki
    Getting weary of the married life?
[03:58] Hijikata
    I get it, so keep it down!
[04:00] Gintoki
    Then look me in the eye!
[04:03] Gintoki
    Ah.
[04:04] Hijikata
    Don't "Ah" me.
[04:04] Hijikata
    It's too early to be dealing
    with your blabbing.
[04:06] Hijikata
    I'm working here.
[04:08] Hijikata
    So the citizens can pile
    up their trash in peace.
[04:12] Hijikata
    So scram if you don't want me
    to drag you down to the station!
[04:19] Gintoki
    What are you doing, psycho cop?!
[04:23] Gintoki
    You're seriously pissing me off!
[04:30] Gintoki
    Hey, hey, now. You for real?
[04:32] Gintoki
    Using binoculars to peep
    this early in the morning?
[04:35] Gintoki
    And you're getting all excited?
[04:37] Gintoki
    So you're like a sex offender?
[04:38] Gintoki
    That's not funny.
[04:40] Gintoki
    Especially for this show.
[04:42] Hijikata
    Who are you accusing of peeping?!
[04:44] Hijikata
    I said to stop blabbing!
[04:45] Hijikata
    If you keep bugging me, I swear I'll arrest
    you for obstructing an officer's duties.
[04:49] Gintoki
    Go right ahead!
[04:51] Gintoki
    You should take a look
    inside your own soul
[04:53] Gintoki
    before you peep on other people's lives!
[04:55] Gintoki
    Check out one of your embarrassing
    childhood memories!
[04:59] Gintoki
    It might even make you cry!
[05:02] Gintoki
    Huh?
[05:03] Hijikata
    You're under arrest for interfering
[05:04] Hijikata
    with a police investigation and
    insulting a police officer.
[05:07] Gintoki
    That's not funny!
[05:10] Hijikata
    Behave yourself, damn it!
[05:12] Gintoki
    Huh?
[05:14] Hijikata
    Hey, Sogo.
[05:14] Hijikata
    I arrested someone for interfering
    with the investigation.
[05:18] Hijikata
    Take him to the station for me.
[05:21] Okita
    Roger.
[05:22] Okita
    Pops, give me some more
    noodles, extra firm.
[05:25] Guy
    Roger!
[05:26] Hijikata
    Roger, my ass!
[05:27] Hijikata
    Why are you ordering more noodles?!
[05:29] Hijikata
    Get your ass over here now!
[05:31] Hijikata
    You're late.
[05:32] Okita
    Master, whatcha doing?
[05:36] Gintoki
    Nothing at all.
[05:37] Gintoki
    This is an unlawful arrest.
[05:39] Gintoki
    I didn't do anything.
[05:40] Hijikata
    Sogo, you aren't doing your job anyway,
[05:43] Hijikata
    so take him down to the
    station and lock him up.
[05:45] Okita
    I can't do that.
[05:47] Okita
    My duty comes before my life.
[05:51] Hijikata
    Who was the one eating
    ramen a moment ago?!
[05:54] Hijikata
    Huh?
[05:55] Hijikata
    Er, the key's gone.
[05:57] Gintoki
    What?
[05:58] Hijikata
    Hey, Sogo.
[05:59] Hijikata
    Use your key to unlock us.
[06:01] Gintoki
    Yeah, get these off.
[06:13] Gintoki
    Hey. What is this, Okita-kun?
[06:15] Hijikata
    Why are you cuffing me?!
[06:17] Okita
    I'm going back to my post now.
[06:22] Gintoki
    Okita-kun!
[06:23] Hijikata
    Get these off us! What are you thinking?!
[06:27] Okita
    Well, don't you think...
[06:31] Okita
    it's a lot more fun this way?
[06:34] Okita
    Then I'll be going.
[06:36] Gintoki
    Hey, hold up!
[06:36] Hijikata
    Damn it, Sogo!
[06:40] Hijikata
    Fine!
[06:41] Hijikata
    Give me the key!
[06:42] Hijikata
    Just give me the key!
[06:50] Hijikata
    I told you to give me the
    ''key''! Not mayonnaise!
[06:53] Okita
    What are you talking about?
[06:55] Okita
    Aren't you always keen
    about mayonnaise?
[06:58] Gintoki
    Clever!
[06:59] Gintoki
    Very clever, but we don't
    need any puns right now!
[07:01] Okita
    Take care of yourselves then.
[07:04] Gintoki
    Hey! Okita-kun!
[07:06] Gintoki
    Don't be so hasty!
[07:07] Gintoki
    You should have a more
    positive outlook on life!
[07:09] Hijikata
    Sogo!
[07:10] Hijikata
    Sogo, listen up, damn it!
[07:11] Hijikata
    I'm gonna kill you later, Sogo!
[07:13] Gintoki
    Hey, Okita-kun!
[07:14] Gintoki
    You're coming back, right?!
[07:16] Gintoki
    You're going to listen to
    your superior, right?!
[07:17] Hijikata
    Damn it, Sogo!
[07:33] Both
    Don't look at me.
[07:34] Hijikata
    Hey, hey, hey... Give me a break.
[07:38] Hijikata
    Why do I have to be stuck with
    Mr. Master-of-pissing-me-off?
[07:42] Gintoki
    Hold on a sec.
[07:45] Gintoki
    I didn't check my horoscope today.
[07:46] Gintoki
    How does taking out the trash lead to
    being paired with throbby-vein-boy?
[07:50] Hijikata
    At this rate, all of my investigating
    will have been for nothing.
[07:54] Gintoki
    In any case, I need to get
    out of this situation pronto!
[08:00] Hijikata
    Ack!
[08:01] Hijikata
    Target's on the move!
[08:03] Hijikata
    Hey! Why are you going that way?!
[08:06] Gintoki
    I'm headed for the station.
[08:08] Gintoki
    They've got a spare key
    for the handcuffs, right?
[08:10] Hijikata
    What are you babbling about?!
[08:12] Hijikata
    We've been chasing this radical Anti-Foreigner
    Faction member for over a month!
[08:17] Hijikata
    He's on the wanted list...
[08:19] Gintoki
    Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
[08:21] Gintoki
    Let's go to the station and get these off.
[08:23] Hijikata
    A month of work will go down
    the drain if I miss this chance!
[08:26] Hijikata
    Can't you understand?!
[08:28] Gintoki
    Drain schmain. You can play
    cops and robbers later.
[08:30] Gintoki
    Give me my freedom and justice already!
[08:34] Hijikata
    The worst possible timing...
[08:38] Hijikata
    Hey, Sogo!
[08:39] Hijikata
    Target's on the move!
[08:40] Hijikata
    Follow him!
[08:41] Hijikata
    Hey, Sogo!
[08:44] Hijikata
    Bah! After him!
[08:46] Gintoki
    Hey!
[08:47] Gintoki
    The girl you like will run away
    if you're always on the chase!
[08:50] Hijikata
    I can't let him get away now!
[08:53] Gintoki
    It's got nothing to do with me!
[08:54] Hijikata
    I'm going to arrest you
    for obstructing justice.
[08:57] Gintoki
    I've already been arrested!
[08:58] Both
    Cut it out already!
[09:02] Gintoki
    Justice!
[09:07] Gintoki
    Is this how you ask someone
    for a favor, bastard?!
[09:11] Hijikata
    He's right...
[09:12] Hijikata
    I have to convince him to help
    or else nothing will get done.
[09:15] Hijikata
    I'll have to ask him...
[09:22] Gintoki
    What are you doing?
[09:23] Hijikata
    None of your business!
[09:26] Hijikata
    Uh, well...
[09:28] Hijikata
    Could you help me chase down an
    Anti-Foreigner Faction fugitive?
[09:31] Hijikata
    Or yeah, something...like that...
[09:34] Hijikata
    Well?
[09:35] Gintoki
    Huh?
[09:37] Okita
    That's not good enough, Hijikata.
[09:40] Okita
    You need to get down on
    your knees and beg.
[09:42] Hijikata
    Shove it!
[09:43] Hijikata
    And chase the fugitive, damn it!
[09:44] Gintoki
    That's right. On your knees.
[09:46] Gintoki
    That's the standard procedure for
    asking a favor, Hijikata-kun.
[09:51] Hijikata
    Fine.
[09:52] Hijikata
    Okay! I'm down on my knees!
[09:57] Hijikata
    Okay! I'm down on my knees!
[10:00] Hijikata
    Please help me chase the fugitive!
[10:04] Hijikata
    Okay! I'm down on my knees!
[10:05] Gintoki
    Ow! That hurts!
[10:06] Hijikata
    Okay! I'm down on my knees!
[10:07] Gintoki
    Cut it out!
[10:08] Hijikata
    Why?!
[10:16] Gintoki
    Well I won't get these handcuffs
    off until you agree to come.
[10:20] Gintoki
    I'll do as you say for now,
    so buy me a parfait.
[10:23] Hijikata
    Later.
[10:24] Hijikata
    I can't take my eyes off him right now.
[10:27] Gintoki
    Just capture him already.
[10:30] Gintoki
    It can't be that hard.
[10:32] Hijikata
    Our goal isn't to catch him.
[10:35] Hijikata
    Our ultimate goal is to follow him to their
    base and round up the whole lot.
[10:40] Gintoki
    Lot schmot.
[10:43] Gintoki
    Forget the tedious stuff
    and get this over with.
[10:46] Hijikata
    Shut up!
[10:47] Hijikata
    Amateurs should keep their mouths shut!
[10:49] Okita
    Hijikata, you're acting way too arrogant towards
    someone who's helping you out.
[10:52] Okita
    Be more polite.
[10:54] Hijikata
    I don't wanna hear another
    word outta you!
[10:55] Hijikata
    And stop staring at us!
[11:06] Hijikata
    We're following him in.
[11:07] Hijikata
    Act natural.
[11:12] Hijikata
    How is this natural?!
[11:14] Gintoki
    Well, you know?
[11:16] Gintoki
    We're going with the story that
    our parents were dancers
[11:18] Gintoki
    so we have a natural tendency to dance.
[11:20] Hijikata
    That's not what I meant by natural.
[11:22] Okita
    Uh, you should say something
    about the rose first.
[11:24] Hijikata
    Where the hell are you
    watching us from?!
[11:31] Waitress
    Sorry to keep you waiting.
[11:40] Hijikata
    What do you think you're doing?
[11:44] Gintoki
    I'm just eating this parfait.
[11:46] Hijikata
    You screwed up my aim with the mayonnaise
    when you moved your arm.
[11:51] Gintoki
    What do you need mayonnaise for?
[11:53] Gintoki
    Why are you adding mayonnaise
    to coffee?
[11:56] Hijikata
    Mayonnaise is an all-mighty
    universal condiment
[11:59] Hijikata
    that works on everything and anything.
[12:02] Gintoki
    Are you an idiot?
[12:05] Gintoki
    Damn it! Don't ruin my parfait!
[12:08] Hijikata
    I didn't ruin it!
[12:14] Hijikata
    Damn amateur...
[12:20] Okita
    Hijikata-san. Hijikata-san.
[12:23] Hijikata
    What is it?
[12:24] Okita
    I just remembered that I forgot
    to tell you something.
[12:28] Okita
    That mayonnaise I gave you...
[12:30] Gintoki
    Hi-ji-ka-ta-kun...
[12:36] Okita
    Had laxative in it.
[12:40] Gintoki
    I need to take a shit.
[12:47] Hijikata
    No way.
[13:02] Gintoki
    H-H-H-Hold it right there!
[13:04] Hijikata
    What is it?
[13:05] Hijikata
    I can't wait any longer!
[13:06] Gintoki
    Think for a second.
[13:07] Gintoki
    Can both of us take a
    crap in the same stall?
[13:10] Hijikata
    We can't!
[13:11] Gintoki
    That'd be like a rendezvous
    in the restroom.
[13:14] Gintoki
    A rendezvous with our bowels in agony!
[13:16] Hijikata
    You're right...
[13:17] Hijikata
    That thought is scary enough.
[13:19] Hijikata
    What do we do then?!
[13:21] Gintoki
    Don't get too worked up.
[13:24] Gintoki
    We have knowledge and
    paper on our side!
[13:27] Gintoki
    We can come up with the
    best possible plan...
[13:31] Gintoki
    Let's start with plan A.
[13:33] Gintoki
    One of us conducts his business while
    the other waits on top of the door.
[13:37] Gintoki
    But there's the risk that the person
    waiting will have to watch the act.
[13:42] Hijikata
    What's plan B?
[13:44] Gintoki
    B...
[13:45] Gintoki
    The person waiting outside sticks
    his hand through the door.
[13:49] Gintoki
    But then the door can't be
    completely shut or locked.
[13:54] Hijikata
    Plan C...
[13:56] Gintoki
    Plan C...
[13:58] Gintoki
    While allowing the door to be locked and
    avoiding having to witness the act,
[14:01] Gintoki
    the person conducting his business
    must bend down,
[14:04] Gintoki
    while the person waiting risks having
    to lay down on the floor.
[14:09] Gintoki
    Now which one do you want?
[14:11] Hijikata
    The unlocked door is a problem,
    but I'll go with plan B.
[14:16] Gintoki
    Same here.
[14:17] Gintoki
    All that's left is to decide the order.
[14:20] Both
    First comes rock.
[14:22] Both
    Rock, paper, scissors!
[14:24] Hijikata
    Alright!
[14:26] Gintoki
    No, wait.
[14:27] Gintoki
    You went after I did.
[14:28] Hijikata
    There's no time for false accusations
    in this emergency!
[14:31] Gintoki
    No! An emergency is
    exactly the time for it!
[14:34] Both
    I won't let you go!
[14:38] Both
    We're screwed!
SIGN    [Plan A, Plan B, Plan C]
[14:43] Gintoki
    Japanese-style...!
[14:46] Gintoki
    Japanese-style...
[14:48] Gintoki
    It'll work if we face each other,
[14:50] Gintoki
    but the lack of height means that
    plan A will no longer work!
[14:57] Gintoki
    And there's too much distance between the
    toilet and the door so plan B's also out...
[15:04] Gintoki
    C will be tough, too...
[15:10] Hijikata
    Which means...
[15:11] Hijikata
    I can't take anymore...
[15:13] Gintoki
    No more...
[15:16] Hijikata
    Has God...
[15:20] Hijikata
    ...forsaken us?
[15:28] Gintoki
    No, wait...
[15:29] Gintoki
    There's still plan D.
[15:32] Hijikata
    Plan D, you say...?
[15:35] Gintoki
    Plan D...
[15:36] Gintoki
    The other person does a handstand above
    the person conducting his business.
[15:40] Gintoki
    The door's locked,
[15:41] Gintoki
    and the person above won't
    have to witness the act,
[15:44] Gintoki
    but both people must be strong enough
    for this prohibited and risky maneuver.
[15:48] Hijikata
    Is that even possible?!
[15:52] Gintoki
    We have no choice!
[15:58] Okita
    Hijikata-san. Odd Jobs Master.
[16:00] Okita
    You okay in there?
[16:01] Both
    Shut up!
[16:08] Hijikata
    You took way too long.
[16:10] Hijikata
    My arms are all numb.
[16:11] Gintoki
    You used too much paper.
[16:13] Gintoki
    I only had 10 cm to use.
[16:19] Hijikata
    I won't let him get away!
[16:24] Hijikata
    Stop! This is the police!
[16:31] Hijikata
    Move, damn it! I can't see!
[16:33] Gintoki
    There's a truck! A truck!
[16:35] Gintoki
    Right! Right!
[16:36] Gintoki
    Stupid! Not that way!
[16:38] Hijikata
    You told me to go right!
[16:40] Gintoki
    The side you hold your
    chopsticks with, idiot!
[16:41] Hijikata
    Who are you calling an idiot, idiot?!
[16:44] Gintoki
    I'll kill you!
[16:45] Gintoki
    I said to go right, idiot!
[16:47] Hijikata
    Shut the hell up!
[16:51] Gintoki
    What are you doing?!
[16:52] Hijikata
    I went right, dumbass!
[16:54] Gintoki
    I meant my right, obviously!
[16:56] Gintoki
    Adults are supposed to be smart enough
    to see from another person's perspective!
[16:59] Hijikata
    Shut up!
[17:01] Gintoki
    Besides, you should have realized
    that the second time around!
[17:03] Hijikata
    As if I'm going to follow your orders!
[17:06] Gintoki
    I can't even tell anymore!
[17:08] Hijikata
    That's what I should be saying!
[17:16] Hijikata
    Okay...
[17:17] Hijikata
    We somehow managed
    to track him down.
[17:18] Hijikata
    Hold on...
[17:20] Gintoki
    You're not done yet?
[17:23] Hijikata
    Hey, Sogo.
[17:24] Hijikata
    Send reinforcements.
[17:25] Hijikata
    Hey, Sogo.
[17:27] Gintoki
    Haven't you realized that's
    a waste of time?
[17:29] Hijikata
    Tch.
[17:29] Hijikata
    Guess I have no choice.
[17:32] Gintoki
    Hey, now. Hijikata-kun.
[17:34] Gintoki
    What do you have in mind?
[17:35] Gintoki
    Don't tell me you're going to barge in.
[17:38] Hijikata
    Of course I am.
[17:40] Hijikata
    I can't let this chance slip
    away after coming so far.
[17:43] Gintoki
    I'm pretty tired...
[17:47] Hijikata
    Want me to get down
    on my knees again?
[17:55] Guy
    Good work.
[17:56] Guy
    Nobody noticed you, right?
[17:59] Guy
    Of course not!
[18:01] Guy
    Good...
[18:02] Guy
    There's a boat in the harbor.
[18:03] Guy
    Move the stuff and escape.
[18:05] Guys
    Yes!
[18:07] Hijikata
    Damn it. I won't let...
[18:08] Okita
    Hijikata-san, you rang?
[18:11] Hijikata
    Idiot!
[18:13] Okita
    Hijikata-san.
[18:15] Okita
    What happened to the target?
[18:17] Okita
    Hijikata-san?
[18:19] Guy
    Somebody's here!
[18:20] Gintoki
    Crap!
[18:22] Gintoki
    You just had to drop your radio!
[18:24] Hijikata
    Shut up!
[18:30] Gintoki
    Flip over so I can land on you!
[18:36] Guy
    Oh, we've got two rats here.
[18:38] Guy
    You two have guts to sneak
    in by yourselves.
[18:40] Guy
    And they're handcuffed.
[18:42] Guy
    Friendly guys, huh?
[18:46] Hijikata
    Friendly...
[18:48] Gintoki
    Guys, you say...?
[18:50] Guy
    You can go to the next world together!
[18:53] Gintoki
    Who did you just accuse of being friendly
    with this mayonnaise addict?!
[19:00] Hijikata
    Apologize to mayonnaise,
    you sugar freak!
[19:09] Hijikata
    I'm the Shinsengumi Vice-Chief,
    Toshiro Hijikata, damn it!
[19:14] Gintoki
    You're all under arrest for interfering
[19:17] Gintoki
    with a police investigation and
    insulting a police officer, dumbasses!
[19:20] Guy
    What a laugh.
[19:21] Guy
    Kill them!
[19:47] Guy
    Wh-Who are these guys?
[19:49] Guy
    Are they monsters?
[19:58] Guy
    What are you doing?!
[19:59] Guy
    Attack all at once!
[20:41] Guy
    Damn it!
[20:42] Guy
    What a crazy combo!
[20:44] Guy
    For all your talk, you guys
    sure are getting along fine!
[20:47] Both
    Hell no!
[20:48] Guy
    Die together!
[20:50] Both
    I said...
[20:53] Both
    ...we're not together!
[21:12] Okita
    Well, well...
[21:19] Gintoki
    You're late.
[21:21] Hijikata
    You get to clean this mess up.
[21:28] Guy
    Damn it...
[21:30] Guy
    We won't forget this!
[21:36] Hijikata
    Pretty sure this will take more
    than a simple clean-up.
[21:39] Okita
    Now, now.
[21:41] Okita
    All's well that end's well.
[21:43] Okita
    Everything worked out in the end.
[21:44] Okita
    So what do we do?
[21:46] Okita
    Do I take Master down to the station?
[21:48] Okita
    Interfering with a police investigation
    and insulting a police officer, was it?
[21:53] Gintoki
    Hey, now.
[21:54] Gintoki
    That's not funny!
[21:55] Gintoki
    You're still going to drag
    me down there?!
[21:57] Hijikata
    Forget it, Sogo.
[22:05] Hijikata
    I don't want to see his face for a while.
[22:09] Gintoki
    Moron!
[22:10] Gintoki
    That's what I should be saying.
[22:13] Okita
    The two of them really do get along.
[22:25] Both
    We don't get along.
SIGN    
[24:05] Gintoki
    Almost a week has passed since
    Dragon Quest IX came out.
SIGN    [Note: Dragon Quest IX came
    out on July 11th in Japan.]
[24:08] Gintoki
    Did everyone beat it already?
[24:09] Gintoki
    I haven't yet.
[24:10] Gintoki
    That's bad.
[24:11] Gintoki
    I'll miss out on all the chatter.
[24:12] Gintoki
    Don't spoil the name of
    the last boss for me!
[24:14] Gintoki
    Okay, then next week's GinTama
    won't be aired until I beat it.
SIGN    ["Smooth Polygons Smooth Man's Hearts Too"]
[24:19] Shinpachi
    Hell no!
SIGN    [An accident occurs in Tama's body. It's caused by a computer virus.]
SIGN    [Next time: Tama Quest... Game start!]
SIGN    [See you next time]