E31 - You Always Remember the Things that Matter the Least

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:01] Hijikata
    Keep the room well-lit and watch from a distance, okay?
SIGN    On his way back from buying JUMP, Gin-san gets into an accident on his moped!!]
SIGN    [(Administrative message) There have been many careless accidents lately. So let's all be on the alert.]
SIGN    Man, I vowed I would move on from JUMP already...
[01:49] Gintoki
    So why am I doing this?
[01:51] Gintoki
    Weekly serials are all about the attraction. Once they suck you in, you have to know what happens next week.
[01:56] ---
    You lose track if you miss a single issue, and...
[01:59] Gintoki
    No, that's exactly why I should stop...
[02:02] Gintoki
    This is really a sin... Shonen Jum... Huh?
[02:13] Gintoki (M)
    Huh? What's this? The sky is all red.
[02:19] Gintoki (M)
    Huh? It's me that's all red.
[02:24] Gintoki (M)
    Huh? How the hell did this happen?
[02:28] ---
    Huh? Wait a minute, I...
[02:37] Shinpachi
    Guys!
[02:39] Kagura
    Shinpachi...
[02:40] Shinpachi
    Gin-san? Is Gin-san all right?
[02:42] Otose
    Don't shout in a hospital, idiot!
[02:46] Kagura
    Same for you, granny!
[02:47] Catherine
    You, too, brat. And me, too!
[02:51] Otose
    Hmph... Nothing to worry about.
[02:55] Otose
    He's not the type to die from getting hit by a car.
[02:58] Kagura
    They say he got hit when he went out to buy JUMP.
[03:01] ---
    That's what happens when you read this kind of junk at his age.
[03:04] Catherine
    Let's hope he'll take this opportunity to grow up a bit.
[03:08] Otose
    You said it.
[03:09] Driver (Who Hit Gintoki)
    You know...
[03:11] Driver
    Hearing you say that makes me feel better.
[03:14] ---
    I'm really sorry.
[03:16] ---
    I was talking on my cell phone and didn't see him in time.
[03:20] Kagura
    So you're the bastard!
[03:21] Otose
    Let's see how far you can fly!! I'm sending you to the moon!
[03:21] ---
    If Gin-chan dies, I'll strangle you to death with your own cell phone strap!
[03:24] Shinpachi (M)
    Maybe he's not okay, after all...
[03:26] Head Nurse
    Keep it quiet! Where do you idiots think you are?!
[03:30] Doctor
    Look who's talking.
[03:32] Head Nurse
    Hey! You can't go in there yet!
[03:37] Otose
    Hey, he looks fine.
[03:40] Kagura
    You scared the hell out of us! I won't let you buy JUMP anymore!
[03:44] Shinpachi
    We were worried, Gin-san... You sure hit some bad luck, huh?
[03:50] Gintoki
    Who are you?
[03:52] Gintoki
    Do I know you people?
[03:54] ---
    Do we know each other?
SIGN    ["You Always Remember the Things that Matter the Least"]
[04:05] Everyone
    Amnesia?!
[04:08] Doctor
    His injuries aren't that bad.
[04:10] ---
    He hit his head real hard, and that must have made some of his memories pop out.
[04:15] Shinpachi
    "Pop out"?! What is he, a toaster?!
[04:19] Doctor
    It's common for someone to lose their memory of what happened before and after an accident.
[04:24] Doctor
    In his case, he seems to have also forgotten his entire identity.
[04:27] Doctor
    That could be quite a problem.
[04:29] Otose
    You'd better not be faking this.
[04:31] ---
    This fool doesn't have amnesia. He just wants to get out of paying rent.
[04:34] Gintoki
    Doctor... I think I'm hallucinating, too. I keep seeing this hideous goblin.
[04:41] Doctor
    Sakata-san, there's nothing to worry about.
[04:43] ---
    There are no goblins in this hospital. Maybe a ghost or two...
[04:48] Shinpachi
    Doctor, that's not right.
[04:50] Doctor
    The human memory is very complex, like a tree with its branches intertwined.
[04:54] Doctor
    If one branch is disturbed, the others move, too.
[05:01] Doctor
    Let's just see how it goes for a while.
[05:07] Gintoki
    Odd Jobs Gin... Is this where I live?
[05:11] Shinpachi
    That's right, Gin-san. You take on odd jobs... A freelancer.
[05:15] Gintoki
    Odd Jobs... It's no use, I don't remember.
[05:20] Kagura
    An Odd Jobs who did practically nothing at all. We were like paupers.
[05:24] Gintoki
    Pau...?!
[05:26] Gintoki
    Paupers at my age?!
[05:28] Kagura
    To make matters worse, you always look like a walking corpse with dead fish eyes.
[05:34] Otose
    And you didn't pay the rent.
[05:36] Catherine
    And you also stole Otose-san's money.
[05:39] Otose
    That was you!
[05:42] Shinpachi
    You might remember something if you go inside.
[05:48] Shinpachi
    This is your home, Gin-san. Doesn't it bring back memories?
[05:52] Kagura
    That's right! You always sat on this sofa, digging your boogers!
[05:59] Kagura
    Look, Gin-chan!
[06:01] Kagura
    It's Sadaharu. See?
[06:04] Gintoki
    Humongous! What'd you feed him to make him this big?
[06:08] Kagura
    Gin-chan, you were always fond of Sadaharu.
[06:13] Gintoki
    How could I be fond of a ridiculously sized dog like this?
[06:19] Gintoki
    It's pitch black. I can't see a thing.
[06:22] Gintoki
    Could my mind be unconsciously trying to seal away my memories?
[06:27] Shinpachi
    No, that's not it. You've been bitten, that's quite normal really.
[06:31] Gintoki
    My...
[06:32] Gintoki
    consciousness is fading away...
[06:36] Shinpachi
    Kagura-chan! He's bleeding!
[06:38] ---
    He'll lose his consciousness as well as his memory!
[06:40] Shinpachi
    Do something quickly!
[06:50] Shinpachi
    Look, it's your favorite: Ms. Ketsuno.
[06:53] Kagura
    You'd always peer at her from a low angle during her morning forecast!
[06:58] Gintoki
    Ketsuno, Ana?
[07:00] Shinpachi
    Well? Do you remember anything?
[07:04] Gintoki
    I don't remember...or rather, I don't want to remember...
[07:08] Kagura
    Pull yourself together!
[07:09] ---
    Be a loser! Discard your conscience. That's who GINTOKI is!
[07:13] Gintoki
    Is that so?
[07:14] Kagura
    That's who GINTOKI is! He's a sore, sore, sore, loser!!
[07:16] Shinpachi
    Otose-san, what should we do?
[07:22] Otose
    Walk him down the streets of Edo.
[07:25] Otose
    This is a man with connections throughout Edo.
[07:27] ---
    You might stumble across something that might strike a chord in his memory.
[07:33] Katsura
    What? Amnesia?
[07:36] Katsura
    Is this true? Tell me the details of what happened, Gintoki.
[07:40] Shinpachi
    As I said, he lost his memories.
[07:43] ---
    By the way, what're you doing here, Katsura-san?
[07:45] Katsura
    To save the country, first you've got to have money.
[07:50] ---
    Hey, bro! Come on in! We got hot chicks here.
[07:53] ---
    I know, Gintoki, why don't you stop by, too. We have lots of pretties.
SIGN    [All you can drink! All you can grope!]
[07:58] Katsura
    You'll be able to forget all the bad memories.
[08:00] Shinpachi
    Hasn't he forgotten enough already?!
[08:03] ---
    Are you really friends?!
[08:05] Gintoki
    I feel a memory stirring!
[08:08] ---
    Let's check it out.
[08:09] Shinpachi
    Liar!!
[08:12] Gintoki
    I felt something just now! It's coming...!
[08:15] Katsura
    Really? Remember, Gintoki!
[08:17] ---
    Remember the days when you slaved as my apprentice!
[08:20] Shinpachi
    Hey! Don't go changing his memory!
[08:23] Kagura
    Where is it? Where do I hit to jog your memory? Here? Here?
[08:28] Katsura
    No, it's probably around here.
[08:29] ---
    No? Then here?
[08:31] Shinpachi
    Oh no, no... Stop it!
SIGN    [Shinsengumi]
[08:35] Hijikata
    What's going on? Is it a fight? It's been a while. Think we should jump in?
[08:40] Hijikata
    Hey, that's...
[08:41] Hijikata
    Katsura!
[08:46] Hijikata
    Did you get him?
[08:49] Okita
    Is this ours?
[08:51] Hijikata
    Sogo, run.
[08:57] Katsura
    Hmph. Stupid samurai should stay home and play with their swords.
[09:02] Hijikata
    No!
[09:03] Hijikata
    You're playing with us today, Katsura!
[09:05] Katsura
    Hmph, not bad. Run, Elizabeth.
[09:08] Hijikata
    Come back here!
[09:11] Kagura
    Gin-chan!
[09:13] Shinpachi
    Gin-san!
[09:14] Shinpachi
    Gin-san! Are you okay, Gin-san?!
[09:19] Gintoki
    Who are you people?
[09:25] Sat-Chan
    What? Amnesia?!
[09:28] Sat-Chan
    What is that? A new kind of play?
[09:31] Shinpachi
    No, never mind. If they can hear each other, they can converse...
[09:37] Sat-Chan
    This is Candid Camera, isn't it?
[09:38] ---
    I can tell you're all trying to deceive me to get your kicks.
[09:43] ---
    By the way, where's the camera?
[09:45] Shinpachi
    You've got it all wrong. He actually has amnesia.
[09:49] Sat-Chan
    You're lying. That means...
[09:51] Shinpachi
    Yes...
[09:52] Sat-Chan
    He's completely forgotten all the embarrassing things he did
[09:54] Sat-Chan
    with me and all those painful experiences that came with it?
[09:58] Gintoki
    Um, what is your relationship to me?
[10:02] Sat-Chan
    How cruel! We were on the brink of being married!
[10:05] Sat-Chan
    You even wore formal wedding wear!
[10:08] Shinpachi
    Well, yes, but...
[10:11] Kagura
    You only say the facts that are convenient to you.
[10:13] Kagura
    Those are the tricks of an evil con artist.
[10:15] Gintoki
    Then are you my...
[10:20] Sat-Chan
    That's right, Gin-san!
[10:22] ---
    I am your love S-L-A-V-E!
[10:28] Sat-Chan
    Why're you doing this to me?
[10:29] ---
    Is this a kind of abandonment role-play fantasy?
[10:31] ---
    That turns me on, too, but that's not the normal you, Gin-san!
[10:35] Kagura
    We've been trying to tell you Gin-chan isn't his normal self.
[10:39] Gintoki
    Who is this person?
[10:42] Shinpachi
    At this rate, you'll catch her abnormality. Let's go, Gin-san.
[10:46] Sat-Chan
    I won't let you...
[10:47] ---
    I won't let anyone else have Gin-san!
[10:52] Kagura
    Phew! What is this stench?!
[10:56] Shinpachi
    There was natto in that smoke bomb!
[10:59] Kagura
    Gin-chan's gone!
[11:05] Gintoki
    Uh, why're you doing this?
[11:09] Sat-Chan
    It's all right, Gin-san. Leave everything to me. I won't hurt you.
[11:14] Gintoki
    No, grandma always said, you can't trust the people who say they won't hurt you.
[11:20] Shinpachi
    Ouch.
[11:22] Shinpachi
    There!
[11:22] Kagura
    You're not getting away!
[11:30] Sat-Chan
    Too easy. You can't get me with that kind of attack.
[11:34] ---
    Don't worry. I'll teach you everything about me.
[11:39] Gintoki
    I just want to know about my own memory.
[11:42] Sat-Chan
    Gin-san, knowing about me means knowing about yourself.
[11:49] Sat-Chan
    Let's rent a small studio apartment.
[11:52] ---
    That'll be the first step of our new beginning.
[11:56] Sat-Chan
    As for kids, one boy and one girl would be nice, too.
[11:58] ---
    We'll think of wonderful names for them. Sarutobi...
[12:02] Gintoki
    Stop deciding things on your own!
[12:04] Gintoki
    I don't want to take my first steps with you!
[12:08] Sat-Chan
    Those words squeeze my heart as strong as they did before!
[12:11] Kagura
    I won't let you have Gin-chan!
[12:21] Sat-Chan
    You think...
[12:23] Sat-Chan
    You can stop me with that?
[12:24] ---
    Huh...
[12:25] ---
    Where'd Gin-san go...?
[12:28] Kagura
    Gin-chan!
[12:29] Shinpachi
    Gin-san!
[12:31] Shinpachi
    I can make it in time! I'll break his fall!
[12:45] Shinpachi
    Why'd you take a full swing?!
    I don't understand!
[12:48] Kagura
    Doing it half-heartedly isn't like Gin Tama.
[12:51] Shinpachi
    That's no reason to "wham" him!
[12:56] Shinpachi
    Gin-san! Gin-san!
[12:58] Kagura
    Gin-chan, are you alive?
[13:00] Shinpachi
    Hey, are you okay?
[13:05] Gintoki
    What is this place?
[13:21] Otae
    My, that's awful.
[13:25] Otae
    Has he forgotten about me, too?
[13:28] Gintoki
    I'm sorry.
[13:31] Otae
    You still remember me, right?
[13:34] Shinpachi
    No, he said, "I'm sorry."
[13:36] Otae
    No, he remembers. Don't play dumb with me.
[13:39] Otae
    You mean I remember him, but he doesn't remember me? That sucks!
[13:44] ---
    Who does he think he is?
[13:45] Otae
    Shin-chan, hit me with this so I forget my memories of Gin-san.
[13:50] Shinpachi
    Sis, what am I, a brain surgeon?!
[13:54] Otae
    Then I have no choice.
[13:56] Otae
    I'll make you remember me, no matter what!
[13:59] Otae
    If I duplicate the shock, I'm sure he'll remember!
[14:01] Kagura
    Sis, not that! You'll put us back where we started!
[14:05] Gintoki
    I'm sorry. I still cannot remember you, but I know I will soon.
[14:11] ---
    Please just be patient.
[14:16] Otae
    What...?
[14:18] Otae
    Oh my, why is my heart pounding over someone like Gin-san?
[14:20] ---
    His eyes and eyebrows just look closer together...that's all.
[14:24] ---
    And his pupils are bigger...that's all.
[14:26] Kagura
    Sis?
[14:29] Otae
    Forget the past.
[14:31] ---
    Live looking forward rather than backwards.
[14:34] Shinpachi
    What?! You changed your mind! Why?!
[14:38] Otae
    Lock up that worthless old Gin-san and live your life as the new Gin-san.
[14:43] Shinpachi
    Big Sis! That's like putting a cover on smelly things to hide them!
[14:46] ---
    Did I say smelly?
[14:47] Otae
    What do I see in a man with dead-fish eyes, anyways?
[14:51] ---
    I prefer Gin-san the way he is now, compared to that frivolous Gin-san.
[14:55] ---
    He's almost... Handsome...
[14:58] Shinpachi
    Why are your cheeks so red? You're blushing!
[15:00] ---
    You're not in love with him, are you?!
[15:01] ---
    No way! I won't allow it!
[15:03] ---
    I absolutely refuse to become this creep's brother-in-law!
[15:06] Otae
    This isn't about you.
[15:09] Kondo
    She's right! His eyes and eyebrows may be closer together now,
[15:12] Kondo
    but when his memory returns, they'll separate again!
[15:14] ---
    He'll be back to that loose face!
[15:20] Otae
    What're you doing here?
[15:22] Kondo
    Well, it was just so toasty and warm... I fell asleep...
[15:26] Kondo
    Here...
[15:28] Kondo
    I bought some Bäagen-Dazs for everyone.
[15:33] Shinpachi
    It's melted and gooey! How long have you been under there?!
[15:37] Kondo
    So, we meet again.
[15:40] ---
    I haven't seen you in a while. You've changed quite a bit.
[15:44] ---
    Are you trying to use amnesia to change your image and seduce Otae-san?
[15:49] Kondo
    I won't let you.
[15:52] Kondo
    My eyes and eyebrows are way closer together than yours!
[15:57] ---
    Look at me, Otae-san.
[15:59] ---
    You can search all of Edo, but you will never find eyes and brows closer together than these!
[16:02] Otae
    I couldn't love a stalker even if he had hair growing out of his eyes!
[16:07] Kondo
    All right. So what if I grow hair below my eyes? How about that?
[16:10] Gintoki
    Wh-What is this? How odd...I feel like as this cup is drawing me towards it.
[16:10] Shinpachi
    How about it? You'd be a monster!
[16:17] Shinpachi
    Oh! Sugar!
[16:19] Kagura
    That's right! Sugar might jog his memory!
[16:24] Kagura
    Eat it!
[16:26] Shinpachi
    Sis! Gather every dessert in the house!
[16:31] Otae
    Huh? What?
[16:33] Shinpachi
    Just get something sweet!
[16:34] Otae
    But I don't...
[16:36] Kagura
    Gin-chan come back to us! Gin-chan!
[16:40] Gintoki
    I...I...I...
[16:43] Gintoki
    I'm...
[16:46] Kagura
    Gin-chan!
[16:46] Shinpachi
    Gin-sa...
[16:52] Shinpachi
    Big Sis, what is that?
[16:55] Otae
    A tamagoyaki omelet. I made it extra sweet today.
[16:59] Kondo
    This omelet has quite a unique taste...
[17:07] Shinpachi
    Kondo-san!
[17:08] Shinpachi
    Gin-san!
[17:10] Gintoki/Kondo
    Who...are...you...people?
[17:14] Otae
    My, how cute...
[17:44] Gintoki
    I'm sorry. You've tried everything, for me, but in the end, I can't remember anything.
[17:49] Shinpachi
    Stop it! It's not like you!
[17:52] ---
    Even if you're 90% wrong, you'll use everything you have of that last 10% to not apologize!
[17:59] Kagura
    Take your time to remember. We'll wait.
[18:03] Shinpachi
    Let's go home and take it easy.
[18:06] Kagura
    Yes, you might remember something if you just relax at home.
[18:10] Man A
    What's that?!
[18:12] Shinpachi
    That's...
[18:13] Shinpachi
    A spaceship?!
[18:15] Shinpachi
    Oh no! It's coming straight at us!
[18:18] Kagura
    Gin-chan! Gin-chan, it's time for you to do your thing!
[18:20] Gintoki
    What?
[18:21] Shinpachi
    Gin-san, quickly!
[18:22] Gintoki
    Uh, um...
[18:27] Kagura
    Now, Gin-chan.
[18:28] Gintoki
    Um, excuse me, just what am I supposed to do?
[18:32] Kagura
    Chi! Use your chi! You always do something with your chi!
[18:36] Shinpachi
    That's right.
[18:38] ---
    Whether it's a giant robot or a weapon of mass destruction,
[18:40] ---
    you've always slashed your way through with just this sword!
[18:44] Gintoki
    With this...?
[18:47] Kagura
    You can definitely do it, Gin-chan!
[18:50] Shinpachi
    Please do it! Gin-san!
[18:54] Gintoki
    I...
[18:57] Kagura
    Gin-chan!
[18:58] Shinpachi
    Gin-san!
[19:03] Gintoki
    Me?!
[19:19] Kagura
    Gin-chan...
[19:21] Gintoki
    There's no way...
[19:23] Gintoki
    No human being can accomplish such a thing.
[19:29] Shinpachi
    Huh? Isn't that in the direction of Odd Jobs?
[19:34] Bystander A
    That was intense.
[19:37] Bystander B
    It's totaled. They'll have to rebuild.
[19:41] Shinpachi
    Our house...
[19:44] Sakamoto
    Sorry about that!
[19:46] Sakamoto
    I was trying to get to a friend's place, but I got lost.
[19:51] Sakamoto
    I ran out of fuel as I was circling about, and crashed here.
[19:56] Sakamoto
    Is there an Odd Jobs Kin-chan around here?
[20:00] Constable
    If it's Odd Jobs Gin you're looking for, it's the place you destroyed.
[20:04] Sakamoto
    No, no, it's Kin-chan.
[20:06] Sakamoto
    Weren't you listening? You're not paying attention.
[20:11] Yashichi
    Yeah, yeah, we heard you. Come with us to the station.
[20:15] Sakamoto
    Oh, you'll show me to Kintoki's place?
[20:18] Sakamoto
    People in Edo are so nice. Thanks.
[20:21] Constable
    You're obnoxious. Keep quiet.
[20:31] Shinpachi
    Now what are we gonna do? We've even lost the house.
[21:05] Gintoki (M)
    Who am I...?
[21:10] Kagura
    Gin-chan!
[21:11] ---
    We'll be all right. We'll manage somehow.
[21:14] Shinpachi
    That's right. When your memory returns, I'm sure we'll joke about this.
[21:18] Shinpachi
    For the time being, we have to find somewhere else to stay.
[21:21] Gintoki (M)
    Why are these two people...
[21:25] Gintoki
    You've done enough. Don't worry about me.
[21:28] Gintoki
    You both have homes to go back to, don't you?
[21:31] ---
    Don't worry about me. Be free.
[21:34] Shinpachi
    Gin-san?
[21:35] Gintoki
    From what I've heard, I made you both work without any real salary.
[21:40] ---
    After this, there's no reason for you to stick around.
[21:43] Gintoki
    Now that I've lost my memory and my house... All the evidence I ever existed is gone.
[21:49] Gintoki
    But this might be a good opportunity.
[21:52] ---
    According to everyone's stories, I was a real mess of a guy.
[21:56] ---
    This is my chance to start all over again.
[22:01] Gintoki
    So let's end this "Odd Jobs" business.
[22:08] Shinpachi
    You're kidding, right, Gin-san?
[22:10] Kagura
    I don't need a salary!
[22:13] ---
    All I need is a little pickled seaweed! So please, Gin-chan!
[22:18] Gintoki
    I'm sorry. The Gin-san you both knew isn't here anymore.
[22:24] Kagura
    It won't work! You can't function in society! You're an idiot!
[22:29] Shinpachi
    Gin-san! Please wait!
[22:32] Kagura
    Gin-chan!
[22:33] Shinpachi
    Gin-saaan!
SIGN    
[24:11] Shinpachi
    Thank you, everyone watching us on TV, for your support.
[24:14] ---
    It looks like Odd Jobs really is going to close down.
[24:17] ---
    Gin-san went off somewhere, but we'll wait forever.
[24:21] ---
    The next episode: "Life Moves on Like a Conveyor Belt."
SIGN    [Gintoki, Shinpachi and Kagura go their separate ways.]
SIGN    [Farewell, Odd Jobs. Farewell, Gin Tama.]
[24:35] Gintoki
    I've decided to relive my life.