E8 - There Is Butt a Fine Line Between Persistence and Stubbornness

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    [Hey! Main character, wake up! Feeling lazy today, jerk?!]
SIGN    [Start your own damn show if you're done with this one!]
SIGN    [An Urgent Special Program]
[00:51] Narrator B
    The great city of Edo.
SIGN    [Kabukicho 1st Street]
[00:53] Narrator B
    Every night, people are drawn here in search of excitement and titillation,
[00:57] Narrator B
    like moths to a flame.
SIGN    [Karaoke House]
[01:00] Narrator B
    Then...
SIGN    [Shinsengumi]
[01:08] Harada
    Third Squad, go around the back! Tenth Squad, follow me!
[01:11] Supporter A
    Oh... Katoken Samba!
[01:15] Narrator B
    In Edo there is a special armed police force that serves the government.
[01:19] Narrator B
    They deal swiftly with rebellious elements that run wild in the city.
[01:24] Narrator B
    And with exclusionists who engage in shady activities in the underworld.
SIGN    [Exclusionist Karaoke Contest [middle of room]]
[01:27] Supporter A
    I'm a hopeless schmuck, but I'm still a person.
[01:31] Supporter A
    I gaze out the window, but I'm still by the channel...
[01:45] Hijikata
    This is a raid!
[01:47] Hijikata
    We're the Shinsengumi!
[01:50] Supporter B
    The Shinsengumi? You're with a television crew. What's up with that?!
[01:55] Hijikata
    And you've got some nerve, singing karaoke while plotting to overthrow the government!
[02:00] Hijikata
    Arrest them all!
[02:07] Supporter C
    Why you?!
[02:08] Narrator B
    For the next 24 hours, our camera crew will cover the Shinsengumi
[02:13] Narratorr B
    and give you the true story of what it's like on patrol.
[02:16] Squad Member A
    Give it up!
[02:17] Supporter C
    You government dog!
[02:20] Narrator B
    Close up! 24 Hours with the Shinsengumi Elite Police!
[02:31] Okita
    It's no use trying to run.
SIGN    [Shinsengumi First Squad Captain]
SIGN    [Sogo Okita]
[02:37] Okita
    How boring.
SIGN    [Why are the skies blue?]
[02:40] Supporter A
    You bastard!
[02:41] Supporter A
    Don't come near me! You'll never keep us down!
[02:44] Hijikata
    You're an exclusionist. Don't go prancing around with geisha!
SIGN    [Pink skies are cuter.]
[02:58] Cameraman
    Amazing!
SIGN    [Shinsengumi Vice Chief]
SIGN    [Toshiro Hijikata]
SIGN    [Shinsengumi Chief]
SIGN    [Isao Kondo]
[03:08] Harada
    Huh?
[03:09] Harada
    Where's Chief Kondo?
[03:10] Squad Member B
    Yeah, come to think of it...
[03:12] Squad Member C
    Where did he go?
[03:14] Hijikata
    He's a lot more refined than we are.
[03:17] Hijikata
    He said that he didn't want anything to do with a TV exposé.
[03:20] Harada
    Wow. That's what I would have expected him to do!
[03:23] Hijikata
    Right now, he's probably having a discussion with someone important in the government or cleaning his sword alone.
[03:38] Kondo
    It's not gonna happen... besides, my butt hair is too thick.
[03:42] Kondo
    There's no way a girl would go out with me.
[03:46] Kondo
    I'm no good.
[03:48] Otae
    That's not true.
[03:51] Otae
    You're just very manly! And that's attractive, isn't it?
[03:54] Kondo
    Then let me ask you this...
[03:56] Kondo
    If your boyfriend's...
[04:00] Kondo
    rear end looked like an afro with a part down the middle, what would you do?
[04:10] Otae
    I would love him, butt afro and all.
[04:13] Kondo (Mono)
    What a goddess! She purifies unclean things, just like a Bodhisattva.
[04:21] Kondo
    Butt...butt...butt...but will you marry me!
SIGN    ["There Is Butt a Fine Line Between Persistence and Stubbornness"]
SIGN    [Kodokan Dojo]
[04:35] Shinpachi
    What?! Someone asked you to marry him?!
[04:39] Shinpachi
    Are you serious, Sis?!
[04:42] Otae
    I'm serious.
[04:44] Otae
    Yesterday, out of the blue, a customer proposed.
[04:47] Shinpachi
    So what did you say?
[04:50] Otae
    Of course, I politely turned him down.
[04:54] Otae
    He sure took me by surprise!
[04:56] Otae
    I can't believe how stubborn he got about it, too.
[05:00] Kondo
    Otae!
[05:08] Otae
    In the end, he was so annoying,
[05:10] Otae
    I had to pop him in the schnoz and make a run for it.
[05:13] Shinpachi
    R-Really?
[05:15] Shinpachi
    I'd like to meet a guy like that.
[05:17] Kondo
    Otae!
[05:19] Kondo
    Otae! Marry me!
[05:24] Kondo
    I'm not the kind of man who takes "No" for an answer twice!
[05:27] Kondo
    My mom says women find more happiness in being loved than in loving someone!
[05:34] Officer
    Hey!
[05:36] Officer
    What are you doing up there so early in the morning?!
[05:39] Officer
    You're bothering the neighbors. Come down, you jackass!
[05:42] Kondo
    Relax, officer!
[05:43] Kondo
    I...
[05:45] Kondo
    I may be a thief,
[05:49] Kondo
    but I only steal hearts, okay?
[05:50] Officer
    Wipe that smug grin off your face!
[05:52] Officer
    What a weak comeback! Get down here right now!
[05:58] Kondo
    Otae!
[05:59] Kondo
    Won't you just show your angelic face at least?!
[06:03] Kondo
    Otae!
[06:18] Narrator B
    The Shinsengumi start their mornings early.
[06:21] Narrator B
    Training hard from early in the morning so they can jump into action at any time!
[06:30] Hijikata
    Put some spirit into it!
[06:31] Hijikata
    Anyone who skips out on morning training will commit seppuku!
[06:37] Harada
    Early morning, huh?
[06:39] Squad Member B
    Early morning.
[06:40] Squad Member C
    If the vice chief says it's early morning, it's early morning.
[06:48] Yamazaki
    This ain't early.
[06:50] Yamazaki
    10 AM is not considered early in the morning!
[06:52] Hijikata
    Dimwit!
[06:53] Hijikata
    As long as a man has spirit, he can do anything!
[06:55] Yamazaki
    This isn't spirit. This is stubbornness in disguise.
[06:58] Hijikata
    Anyway, are you still playing badminton?!
[07:03] Okita
    Come to think of it, I don't see Kondo today either...
[07:06] Okita
    Did he take a leave of absence?
[07:07] Hijikata
    Don't lump him in with you!
[07:09] Hijikata
    This is Kondo we're talking about. He's probably training by himself.
[07:14] Harada
    Ahh. That's just what you'd expect from Chief Kondo.
[07:17] Squad Member B
    He really is something!
[07:20] Squad Member C
    I've fallen in love with him all over again.
[07:22] Shinpachi
    You've got a strange admirer, Sis.
[07:26] Otae
    It really is a bother.
[07:28] Otae
    Now then, dinner will be...
[07:31] Shinpachi
    Eggs?! Sis!
[07:33] Shinpachi
    Eggs again?!
[07:35] Otae
    Don't be picky. Eggs have nutritional value.
[07:39] Shinpachi
    I'll cook! You just buy the groceries!
[07:43] Otae
    Okay.
[07:45] Shinpachi
    Phew.
[07:46] Shinpachi (Mono)
    Her fried eggs
[07:48] Shinpachi (Mono)
    aren't fried eggs. They're poor, innocent abused eggs.
[07:53] Shinpachi (Mono)
    That's right.
[07:56] Otae
    Oh well.
SIGN    [Go out with me for a hump.]
[08:04] Shinpachi
    "Go out with me for a hump?"
[08:07] Shinpachi
    What does that mean?!
SIGN    [I love you. -Isao Kondo]
[08:18] Shinpachi
    Oh.
[08:19] Kondo
    Otae.
[08:22] Kondo
    I may not look it, but I'm an athlete.
[08:25] Kondo
    I like tennis and scuba diving.
[08:29] Kondo (Mono)
    Glitter.
[08:32] Otae
    Do one at a time, you freak!
[08:37] Narrator B
    The Shinsengumi have many different jobs.
[08:44] Narrator B
    Including directing traffic in the great city of Edo.
[08:51] Hijikata
    Hey, you there! Who gave you permission to change direction?!
[08:55] Hijikata
    Don't run away! Anyone who runs is gonna get chopped!
[08:59] Okita
    Now, now, Hijikata.
[09:01] Okita
    Don't get mad.
[09:04] Okita
    Just leave this to me.
[09:06] Hijikata
    I'm not leaving anything to you!
[09:13] Okita
    Hijikata, you sure have a violent streak.
[09:16] Hijikata
    You should talk, Sogo! Don't try to pass it off on me!
SIGN    [Ran-Ran-Ran]
[09:20] Shinpachi
    That's the story, Gin.
[09:22] Gintoki
    What do you mean by that, you bastard?
[09:25] Gintoki
    How many minutes have passed since the show started?
[09:28] Gintoki
    I'm the main character, but it's taken so long to get to me.
[09:32] Gintoki
    Doesn't anyone have a problem with me not being in the show?!
[09:34] Owner
    Eleven minutes, ten seconds.
[09:36] Gintoki
    This is Gin Tama, isn't it?
[09:37] Gitoki
    Isn't it?
[09:38] Gitoki
    Hey!
[09:39] Gitoki
    Come on!
[09:39] Gitoki
    Right?!
[09:40] Gitoki
    Huh?!
[09:41] Gitoki
    It would be a flop if it was just "Tama."
[09:42] Gintoki
    What's the point in calling it Gin Tama if I'm not on screen?!
[09:45] Shinpachi
    Well, it seems like the title for today's show is:
[09:48] Shinpachi
    "Close up! 24 Hours with the Shinsengumi Elite Police!"
[09:53] Gintoki
    What the hell?!
[09:55] Gintoki
    I never heard about that!
[09:56] Shinpachi
    That's because you can't be bothered to get moving.
[09:58] Shinpachi
    At this rate, the Shinsengumi are really going to be the stars of this anime.
[10:02] Gintoki
    Really?!
[10:03] Gintoki
    Oh!
[10:04] Gintoki
    Now that you mention it, we didn't play the Gin Tama theme music!
[10:07] Gintoki
    This is bad. This is Gin Tama! I'm the star!
[11:41] Gintoki
    Aren't you glad that someone wants to marry her?
[11:45] Gintoki
    He's got a sword in his belt, so that means he's important at least, right?
[11:48] Gintoki
    This is your meal ticket, baby!
[11:51] Gintoki
    Get yourself hitched before he discovers what you're really like!
[11:54] Otae
    What's that supposed to mean?!
[11:57] Otae
    At first, I thought he was going to give up, so I didn't give it much thought.
[12:03] Otae
    But... he's shown up no matter where I went.
[12:07] Otae
    It hit me that he's not normal.
[12:09] Owner
    All right, thirty seconds left.
[12:11] Gintoki
    All right, the home stretch!
[12:14] Gintoki
    Stop chewing, Kagura.
[12:17] Gintoki
    Chug it. Please! I didn't being any cash!
[12:20] Shinpachi
    Are you two even listening?!
[12:22] Gintoki
    What? You expect me to do something?
[12:25] Gintoki
    If you want me to take a job, then show me the money.
[12:28] Shinpachi
    Gin, you know you haven't paid me in, like two months.
[12:32] Shinpachi
    I could sue you.
[12:34] Gintoki
    Can't pay you. Even if we do go to court.
[12:36] Shinpachi
    Come on. If you don't find some motivation you're gonna lose your spot as star of the show.
[12:40] Gintoki
    Stalker-Pervert, where are ya?! Come out and get your ass handed to you!
[12:44] Kondo
    What did you say?!
[12:46] Kondo
    Bring it on if you can!
[12:48] Shinpachi
    He was really here.
[12:49] Shinpachi
    Boy, you sure are stupid to pop up when someone calls for a stalker.
[12:53] Shinpachi
    So you admit you're stalker?
[12:56] Shinpachi
    Everyone is a stalker in search of love.
[13:01] Shinpachi
    Listen jerk! A little while ago I saw you getting all chummy with Otae.
[13:05] Shinpachi
    Just what the hell is your relationship with her?
[13:07] Shinpachi
    I'm uncontrollably jealous!
[13:10] Otae
    We're engaged.
[13:12] Otae
    I'm going to marry him in the fall.
[13:15] Gintoki
    Really?
[13:16] Otae
    We're already lovers. He's defiled me this way and that way and every other way.
[13:19] Otae
    So give up already.
[13:22] Kondo
    Th-this and th-that? And other thing, too?!
[13:26] Shinpachi
    No, they haven't done the other thing yet.
[13:29] Kondo
    Fine, Otae.
[13:31] Kondo
    I don't care how skanky you are.
[13:34] Kondo
    I accept you all the same.
[13:37] Otae
    Huh?
[13:38] Kondo
    Just like how you love me, hairy ass and all.
[13:41] Otae
    I don't love you!
[13:42] Kondo
    Hey, you wavy-silver-haired bastard!
[13:44] Kondo
    It doesn't matter if you're Otae's fiancé!
[13:47] Kondo
    I love Otae more than you ever can!
[13:50] Kondo
    I'm calling you out! Winner takes Otae!
[14:11] Otae
    I shouldn't have made up such a pointless lie.
[14:13] Shinpachi
    Indeed. Seems to have just egged him on.
[14:17] Otae
    And that guy must be pretty strong.
[14:20] Otae
    Look how relaxed he is right before your duel.
[14:23] Otae
    Like he's faced certain death many times before.
[14:25] Kagura
    Don't worry.
[14:27] Kagura
    If Gin's in danger... My umbrella will unleash hell on earth, Sis.
[14:33] Otae
    Try not to kill him.
[14:34] Kondo
    Hey, four-eyes! Where'd he go?!
[14:37] Shinpachi
    Who are you calling "four-eyes"? He said he had to go to the can!
[14:40] Kondo
    That's awfully confident of him!
[14:46] Narrator B
    Our reporting team has received information about an unruly drunk downtown.
[14:51] Narrator B
    We've headed to the scene!
[14:54] Mu
    You idiot! Can't I drink during the day?
SIGN    
[14:59] Mu
    Since when was it against the law?!
[15:01] Narrator B
    Edo's protectors, the Shinsengumi have already arrived.
[15:06] Narrator B
    Arrived.
[15:09] Narrator B
    Arri...
[15:13] Narrator B
    Now?! They just got here?!
[15:18] Mu
    Bleep! Bleep!
[15:21] Okita
    Hey, you lush!
[15:22] Okita
    There's no point in putting up a fight. Surrender...
[15:25] Mu
    What?! Who're you calling a lush?!
[15:28] Mu
    This doesn't even count as drinking.
[15:31] Mu
    Boy!
[15:32] Okita
    Hijikata, can we kill him?
[15:34] Hijikata
    Wait.
[15:35] Hijikata
    There are cameras.
[15:37] Hijikata
    Don't be so quick on the draw.
[15:45] ---
    You bastard! You got puke on my pant leg.
[15:51] ---
    What are you going to do about it?
[15:52] Squad Member B
    Hey, everyone, hold Hijikata back!
[15:55] Hijikata
    You imbeciles! Let me go!
[15:56] Hijikata
    I'm going to drag him around town and cut his head off!
[16:00] Harada
    Vice chief, calm down!
[16:02] Squad Member B
    The cameras are still rolling!
[16:04] Squad Member C
    Don't film this.
[16:10] Merchant A
    What are they doing?
[16:12] Merchant B
    Well, it looks like a duel!
[16:14] Merchant A
    A duel? Oh?
[16:16] Merchant A
    Don't see that much these days!
[16:19] Kagura
    Rice crackers and caramel candy.
[16:21] Shinpachi
    How about a soda?
[16:23] Kondo
    Hey, is he ready yet?! He didn't run off, did he?!
[16:26] Gintoki
    Dumbass. I wouldn't run away from an opponent like you.
[16:30] Kondo
    You came!
[16:31] Kondo
    You're late! Were you taking a dump?!
[16:34] Gintoki
    Taking a dump wouldn't be very heroic.
[16:37] Gintoki
    I took some sugar.
SIGN    [Sugar]
[16:40] Kondo
    Never heard of a hypoglycemic hero before!
[16:45] Gintoki
    What a nice sunset.
[16:51] Gintoki
    Duels are best at sunset.
[16:54] Gintoki
    You've got some grace for a man with wavy silver hair.
[16:59] Gintoki
    And you speak pretty well for a gorilla.
[17:03] Kondo
    I-I'm not a gorilla! I may look like one, but I'm not.
[17:07] Gintoki
    Whatever. Shall we get started?
[17:10] Kondo
    Choose your weapons.
[17:13] Kondo
    If you want to use a real sword, I'll lend you one.
[17:15] Kondo
    Whatever you like.
[17:17] Gintoki
    This is good enough for me.
[17:20] Gintoki
    Let's do this.
[17:21] Kondo
    Are you tryin' to make a fool out of me, butthead?
[17:23] Gintoki
    Sorry, but I'm not noble enough to duel over someone else's life.
[17:30] Gintoki
    As a substitute, I'll wager my life instead.
[17:36] Gintoki
    I'm going to wager my life instead of Otae's.
[17:39] Gintoki
    Even if you win, you don't get Otae.
[17:42] Gintoki
    But I'll be out of your way...
[17:45] Gintoki
    You can court her or whatever you'd like afterwards.
[17:47] Gintoki
    Of course, if I win you'll keep your paws off her.
[17:53] Otae (Mono)
    He's going to put himself in the path of a naked blade,
[17:56] Otae (Mono)
    and protect me even if he loses?!
[18:00] Otae
    Wait! Stop right there! Gin!
[18:05] Kondo
    You sure are a man amongst men.
[18:07] Kondo
    I think you're more popular with men than women.
[18:13] Kondo
    Boy! Lend me your wooden sword!
[18:17] Gintoki
    You're a good man, too.
[18:20] Gintoki
    Use this. It's my favorite sword, Lake Toya.
[18:24] Shinpachi
    Gin!
[18:26] Gintoki
    Win or lose, we won't hold any grudges, right?
[18:29] ---
    You got it.
[18:31] Kondo
    Now, let's have a fair fight, man to man.
[18:37] Kondo
    Let's go!
[18:39] Gintoki
    A fair...
[18:40] Gintoki
    duel!
[18:43] Kondo
    Huh?
[18:45] Kondo
    What?!
[18:46] Gitoki
    Hold on a second! The blade! The t-t-tip!
[18:50] Kondo
    It's missiiinnggg!
[18:58] Gintoki
    Sucker...sweeter than Tianjin roasted chestnuts.
[19:02] Gintoki
    I can't believe you'd accept a weapon from your enemy!
[19:05] Gintoki
    When I went to the john,
[19:08] Gintoki
    I scored it with a deep cut, so deep it would split just from being swung.
[19:10] Kondo
    You bastard! You'd go that far?!
[19:14] Gintoki
    Only a total dork would try to settle something so important like this.
[19:19] Gintoki
    Isn't it better to just mellow out and talk things through?
[19:22] Kondo
    This is mellowing out?
[19:26] Gintoki
    Hey. Wha'dya think of my brilliant plan?
[19:30] Kagura
    I've lost all faith in you! That's not samurai spirit!
[19:33] Shinpachi
    You feel satisfied now, cheater?! Coward!
[19:36] Gintoki
    What are you saying! I defended your sister.
[19:39] Kagura
    I'm going home!
[19:40] Kagura
    I never want to see your face again!
[19:42] Shinpachi
    I'm going on vacation for a while.
[19:48] Otae (Mono)
    Everything ended well.
[19:51] Otae (Mono)
    But it looks like Gin got the worst of it.
[19:55] Gintoki
    I feel like warmed over kitty litter.
[19:58] Otae
    What a klutz.
[20:01] Otae
    But, I'm starting to get you.
[20:10] Narrator B
    The Shinsengumi's vice chief, Toshiro Hijikata.
[20:13] Narrator B
    He quietly patrols the city by himself even after a rough job.
[20:18] Narrator B
    What could he be seeing right now?
[20:24] Hijikata
    What's the fuss?
[20:26] Merchant A
    Well, there was a duel over a woman.
[20:30] Hijikata
    A duel over a woman?
[20:32] Hijikata
    How stupid! What idiot would...
[20:36] Hijikata
    Chief Kondo.
[20:38] Cameraman
    Chief Kondo?
[20:39] Cameraman
    That's the Shinsengumi's chief...
[20:41] Cameraman
    Isao Kondo?
[20:43] Hijikata
    You idiot! What are you filming?!
[20:46] Narrator B
    Because of the work of the Shinsengumi, peace in Edo has been upheld.
[20:53] Narrator B
    Really?
SIGN    [Close up! 24 hours with the Shinsengumi Elite Police!]
SIGN    [The End]]
[20:58] ---
    Third year, class Z, Ginpachi-sensei! After these messages.
SIGN    [Preview]
[22:33] Hijikata
    Where's the guy that attacked Chief Kondo?!
[22:36] Hijikata
    He may be a gorilla, but he's our leader!
[22:40] Hijikata
    A silver-haired samurai? You're that guy!
[22:43] Hijikata
    The next episode: "Fighting Should Be Done With Fists."
SIGN    [A battle begins for the Odd Jobs Trio! What happens next?!]
SIGN    [Do JUMP anime always have to have battles?]
SIGN    [Third year, Class Z]
SIGN    [Ginpachi-sensei]
[22:58] Gintoki
    Third year, class Z!
[23:00] All
    Ginpachi-sensei!
SIGN    [Third year, Class Z]
[23:04] Gintoki
    Hey. Close your textbooks for a moment.
[23:07] Gintoki
    Listen, Shimura's recorder has been stolen.
[23:10] Gintoki
    The thief may be in another class,
[23:14] Gintoki
    but I'm lazy, so I'll just assign blame to someone here.
SIGN    [MIND YOUR SUGAR LEVELS]
[23:17] Gintoki
    Whoever stole it raise your hands. It's okay to lie!
[23:21] Gintoki
    If you do it now, Shimura and I will forgive you
[23:25] Gintoki
    if you shove the recorder up your butt and play a chorus of "Please Give Me Wings."
[23:29] Hijikata
    Sensei, we'd never grow wings if we did that.
[23:34] Hijikata
    Change the song to Match's hit song, "Settle It."
[23:38] Gintoki
    All right. Match's hit song, "Shy About My Butt Hair".
[23:41] Hasegawa
    Sensei, I don't know how that song goes.
[23:44] Hasegawa
    You just made up that song title.
[23:46] Gintoki
    Okay, someone lend me a recorder. I'll play it.
SIGN    [Chikuwa]
[23:50] Kagura
    Sensei, use mine. It's broken and can only play the note "fa."
[23:57] Gintoki
    Your head is what's broken.
[24:00] Gintoki
    Hey, I don't care who, somebody lend me your recorder. A cute girl preferably.
[24:04] Girl A
    No way! It'll end up tasting like cigarettes.
[24:07] Gintoki
    I told you, this isn't a cigarette. It's a lollipop.
[24:11] Girl A
    Smoke doesn't come out of lollipops.
[24:14] Gintoki
    That's because I've licked it so much.
[24:20] Gintoki
    Anyway, one of you girls, lend me your recorder! I'll lick and play it.
[24:24] Girls
    No way in hell!
[24:26] Kondo
    Cut it out, girls! Sensei is desperate to find the thief.
[24:31] Kondo
    Sensei, use mine. It's okay if it starts to smell like cigarettes. I have two of them.
[24:39] Gintoki
    Why do you have two of them?
[24:45] Kondo
    Huh? Hold on a second. Are you really going to do it? Ah!
[24:50] Shinpachi
    Sensei, can I go to the nurse's office?
SIGN    [The End]