E11 - Look, Overly Sticky Sweet Dumplings Are Not Real Dumplings, You Idiot!

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    [Strawberry milk is Gin's favorite. Get lots of calcium and your bones will be strong]
SIGN    [The client is an old man on his last legs. He's literally "dead or alive."]
SIGN    ["Look, Overly Sticky Sweet Dumplings Are Not Real Dumplings, You Idiot!"]
[01:51] Gin
    What? So what if it's a little different?!
[01:55] Gin
    Don't you know the saying "Everyone's different, and everyone's great?"
[01:58] Gin
    It's not Number One, it's the Only One!
[02:01] Gin
    Quit complaining!
[02:03] Gin
    You're badly mistaken if you think you can get by in this world by blaming everyone else.
[02:07] Gin
    The world is full of demons!
[02:10] ---
    Now listen up! This is what's important!
SIGN    [Calcium]
[02:13] Gin
    Yes, calcium!
[02:15] Gin
    As long as you get plenty of calcium, everything will turn out fine.
[02:17] Gin
    Cramming for exams? Fights with your parents?
[02:20] Gin
    That girl you like? A smelly crotch?
[02:22] Gin
    Get your calcium and it'll all work out
[02:24] Shinpachi
    No, it won't!
[02:26] Shinpachi
    No matter how much calcium you drink, if you get hit by a car, your leg's still gonna break!
[02:31] Gin
    I got hit too, but I'm fine!
[02:33] Gin
    It's all because I drink this every day.
[02:36] Shinpachi
    Don't act so high and mighty. You just like the taste of strawberry milk!
[02:39] Gin
    What?! I drink coffee milk too, you know!
[02:42] Kagura
    800 calories every day, go easy on the salt,
[02:45] Kagura
    pretty tasty for 300 yen per meal.
[02:49] Shinpachi
    That's my hospital meal!
[02:51] Gin
    Just drink strawberry milk, strawberry milk.
[02:54] Shinpachi
    Your breath! Sickly sweet!
[02:55] Gin
    What? Gin exhales his "sweet breath".
[02:59] Shinpachi
    Argh! Shinpachi sustains 99 points of damage!
[03:02] Head Nurse
    Keep the noise down!
[03:04] Head Nurse
    You're bothering the other patients!
[03:07] Head Nurse
    There's even one who's on the verge of death. Do you get me, you little creep?!
[03:11] Gin
    Oh, sorry. He's so noisy.
[03:14] Shinpachi
    You're a really awful person!
[03:17] Announcement
    It is time for Professor Jaijien to make his rounds.
[03:27] Shinpachi
    Look, I'm a grown man, so just leave me alone.
[03:31] Shinpachi
    You're making it hard for me to stay in the hospital.
[03:33] Gin
    No matter how old we get, we are all on a journey in search of our place in life.
[03:37] Shinpachi
    Quit paraphrasing life like it's a folk song!
[03:40] Kagura
    Father-yo! Mother-yo! Hey-hey-ho!
[03:43] Kagura
    Looking-for-my-home, in-a-manhole.
[03:46] Kagura
    A long journey, a tiring one.
[03:48] Shinpachi
    And forget the rap music! Besides, what kind of lyrics are those?!
[03:52] Gin
    Man, too many artist wannabes.
[03:56] Gin
    I chalk it up to calcium deficiency.
[04:00] Old Man
    Strawberry milk, huh?
[04:03] Old Man
    I drank a lot of it when I was young.
[04:06] Old Man
    With the gals in tow.
[04:09] Nurse
    How dare you?!
[04:11] Old Man
    Satsuki, now she was a good girl.
[04:15] Old Man
    "So much strawberry milk isn't good for you.
[04:18] Old Man
    Drink coffee milk once in a while," is what she'd say.
[04:22] Old Man
    And Yukari... She was totally in-your-face. But she worried about me, too.
[04:27] Old Man
    It's been a long time since I've seen a "Strawberry Milky" like you!
[04:31] Gin
    Strawberry Milky?
[04:32] Old Man
    Right.
[04:33] Old Man
    A man who puts his honor on the line
[04:35] Old Man
    and keeps drinking strawberry milk is known to all as Strawberry Milky!
[04:41] Gin
    Nah, I'm just the Odd Jobs guy in this poor little town.
[04:44] Old Man
    Odd Jobs?
[04:46] Gin
    And we'd better get going. We've got work to do.
[04:49] Old Man
    Odd Jobs?
[04:50] Gin
    Man, we're so busy. After all, I do take odd jobs.
[04:55] Old Man
    Odd Jobs!
[05:01] Kagura
    This is bad! It's like the emergency bell went off inside him.
[05:05] ---
    Hamada didn't flinch when he was called "Crater-face,"
[05:07] ---
    but that autumn during our second year in middle school,
[05:10] ---
    he went crazy and threw chairs around when someone called him "Pock."
[05:13] Shinpachi
    Who's Hamada?
[05:17] Old Man
    You just said Odd Jobs, didn't you?
[05:20] Old Man
    That means you'll do any kind of odd job for anyone?
[05:24] Shinpachi
    I can't bring you back from the edge of the grave!
[05:27] Shinpachi
    For that, please make a donation of gold at the church.
[05:29] Shinpachi
    Sometimes, they'll do it for free. But Great-grandma told me not to say...
[05:36] Shinpachi
    No, sorry. By gold, I'm talking about a game and...
[05:40] Shinpachi
    Oh man, talking about a game in my final moments... Aghhh!
[05:51] Announcer
    Once again, Professor Jaijien will make his rounds.
[06:01] Old Man
    I want you to find the owner of this hair ornament.
[06:06] Shinpachi
    Why is that?
[06:08] Old Man
    She was my first l-o-v-e.
[06:15] Shinpachi
    Hey, what's with the pickled seaweed?
[06:16] Kagura
    Whenever I hear a sad story, eating pickled seaweed calms my heart.
[06:22] Old Man
    I've spent all my days chasing tail the whole time.
[06:27] ---
    But for some reason, all I can remember now is her smile.
[06:33] Gin
    Gimme some pickled seaweed, too.
[06:35] Shinpachi
    Both of you? Pathetic!
[06:37] Old Man
    Laugh if you want.
[06:40] Old Man
    An old man like me would yearn for love on his deathbed.
[06:45] Shinpachi
    I'm not laughing...
[06:48] Old Man
    She was so beautiful...
[06:53] Old Man
    She always wore the kanzashi and worked hard every day.
[06:56] Old Man
    She was the talk of the town.
[06:58] Men
    Ayano!
[07:00] Old Man
    Every man was in love with her.
[07:02] Old Man
    And they all went to the shop where she worked and got fat eating dumplings.
[07:07] Old Man (N)
    I wanted to join them, but I had no money and besides, I was way too shy.
[07:12] Old Man (N)
    All I could do was lurk behind corners to catch a glimpse of her.
[07:19] Old Man (N)
    Then one day...
[07:27] Ayano
    I see you've come to visit again.
[07:30] Ayano
    Don't be shy! Come over here.
[07:35] Ayano
    You're always watching from over there.
[07:38] Ayano
    I see you every time.
[07:45] Old Man (N)
    Those were the first words Ayano uttered to me.
[07:51] Old Man (N)
    But right after that...
[07:54] Ayano
    You must really like it.
[07:59] Ayano
    Here you go.
[08:02] Ayano
    You wanted these, didn't you?
[08:04] Ayano
    But don't tell anyone, okay?
[08:07] Old Man (N)
    She had no idea how I felt about her.
[08:11] Old Man (N)
    Which was probably a stroke of luck.
[08:13] Old Man (N)
    After all, just being near her made me almost pass out.
[08:18] Old Man (N)
    Of course, I couldn't even swallow the dumplings.
[08:29] Ayano
    Are you all right?!
[08:31] ---
    What's wrong?!
[08:33] Old Man (N)
    As I lay there choking on the dumpling, I didn't think about dying.
[08:37] ---
    My only thoughts were of regret that I wouldn't see her again.
[08:43] Ayano
    Somebody, help!
[08:46] Old Man (N)
    I pulled myself together and run away.
[08:57] Old Man (N)
    When I regained my senses...
[09:00] Old Man (N)
    I was lying in some alley, covered in my own vomit.
[09:07] Old Man (N)
    I had been half out of my mind when I ran,
[09:10] Old Man (N)
    and somehow I had grabbed her hair ornament on the way.
[09:13] Old Man
    I want you to find her.
[09:16] Gin
    It's gonna cost you. We're a top-class operation, after all.
[09:20] Old Man
    I have money.
[09:24] Old Man
    I've spent all I want on women, and still I can't use it up.
[09:28] Old Man
    I have no family, so I've often wondered what to do about my wealth.
[09:33] Old Man
    If you accept my request, I'll leave you my entire fortune.
[09:38] Gin
    Ah well, I guess we don't have much choice!
[09:41] Gin
    We can't turn down an old man's request.
[09:45] Shinpachi
    You look like you're trying hard not to look so happy!
[09:48] Gin
    Shut up, Shinpachi!
[09:49] Gin
    You're gonna take good care of our client!
[09:52] Gin
    You put your heart and soul into this!
[09:55] Shinpachi
    Excuse me? I'm still a patient here.
[09:58] Gin
    You fool!
[10:00] Gin
    Odd Jobs exists to help people, right?!
[10:03] Gin
    It isn't money or education, but love. That's what's important in life!
[10:06] Kagura
    And when a youth forgets vitality and kindness, then he's nothing.
[10:10] Shinpachi
    Huh? Why am I the hapless youth in this?
[10:16] Kagura
    Is "fortune" better than pickled seaweed?
[10:19] Gin
    It's even better than a family pack of pickled seaweed.
[10:21] Kagura
    Wow!
[10:22] Shinpachi
    Hey!
[10:24] Store Clerk
    Kanzashi Dango Shop?
[10:27] Store Clerk
    Never heard of the place.
[10:28] Gin
    I heard it used to be in this district, a long time ago.
[10:31] Store Clerk
    Nope, I can't remember anything beyond three days ago.
[10:35] Gin
    You're worse than a chicken.
[10:37] Store Clerk
    Since you're here... How about paying your bill, Gintoki?
[10:41] Store Clerk
    The last time you paid was 219 days ago.
[10:44] Store Clerk
    After that, you had isobe dumplings 207 days ago
[10:48] Store Clerk
    and amazake and kinako dumplings 202 days ago...
[10:51] Gin
    And what?
[10:52] Gin
     Are you like those kids who can memorize every stop on the Tokaido line from Tokyo?
[10:57] ---
    The day isn't long enough.
[10:58] Gin
    Anyway, we're looking for a girl named Ayano who used to work at this shop named Kanzashi.
[11:04] ---
    Well, it's over 50 years ago, so she's probably a granny now.
[11:08] Store Clerk
    Nope, no good. I'm not interested in chicks over forty years old.
[11:13] ---
    Never mind that, Gintoki. Pay your tab, will you?
[11:16] ---
    The last time you paid was 219 days ago.
[11:19] Gin
    You'd be more popular with chicks if you learn the formula for pi.
[11:21] Store Clerk
    Huh? For real?!
[11:26] Store Clerk
    Wait! Which is better?! Being able to name the chief secretaries of Russia or the shoguns?!
[11:32] Shinpachi
    I bought it. Your JUMP and Weekly Playboy.
[11:35] Shinpachi
    Also, I couldn't reach Kayoko and Rira because their phone numbers have been changed.
[11:41] Old Man
    I see.
[11:42] Old Man
    Then call Mai and Ayumi.
[11:45] Old Man
    Then I want you to buy me some fruit-flavored milk and a fried shrimp sandwich.
[11:50] Old Man
    You've got to have fruit-flavored milk with a fried shrimp sandwich.
[11:54] Old Man
    Don't you know even that?
[11:55] Shinpachi
    No, I don't!
[11:57] Shinpachi
    Why do all the people around me have their own rules?!
[12:00] ---
    Anyway...
[12:03] Old Man
    I see three options.
[12:05] Old Man
    1. Read your palm.
[12:07] Old Man
    2. Hold hands.
[12:09] Old Man
    3. Paper.
[12:11] ---
    Which is it?
[12:12] Shinpachi
    Money! Pay up! Do you know how much I've spent on you so far?!
[12:17] Old Man
    My goodness, you youngsters always thinking about money!
[12:21] Old Man
    How sad. Are you some money-cursing ghost?!
[12:29] Shinpachi
    I can't keep up with this! Who does he think he is, that old geezer?!
[12:32] Shinpachi
    And that's just unbelievable.
[12:34] Shinpachi
    The photos in Playboy go from large to small.
[12:37] Shinpachi
    Why doesn't he look at them in order?! I can't believe he skipped pages!
[12:41] Nurse A
    Oh, I can't stand that old pervert.
[12:45] Nurse B
    Just shake that head of his.
[12:47] Nurse B
    They may call us angels in white, but it's enough to make me wanna kill.
[12:50] Nurse B
    It'd be a different story if we got tips for this.
[12:52] Nurse A
    Not gonna happen.
[12:53] Nurse A
    Even his hospital bills have piled up for months. He's famous for being broke.
[12:59] Shinpachi
    Why that old pervert.
[13:02] Gin/Kagura
    Why that dirty, old bastard!
[13:18] Gin/Kagura
    Money!
[13:21] Old Man
    Oh, you found out?
[13:24] Gin
    How dare you?!
[13:26] Old Man
    Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[13:27] Old Man
    Are you trying to ruin an old man's dream all because of a little thing like money?
[13:31] Kagura
    How dare you say such a thing!
[13:34] Gin
    When the money runs dry, so does our relationship. It's over.
[13:38] Shinpachi
    I'm taking the JUMP. I wanna know what happens in the tenth issue.
[13:42] Kagura
    This hospital food, too. I'm sorta curious about the lightly sweetened desserts.
[13:49] Gin
    So that's it. No hard feelings eh?
[13:59] Old Man
    So now you know, I'm not just some old pervert...
[14:03] Old Man
    ...I'm a very sick old pervert.
[14:07] Old Man
    Reika says my hollow cheeks are irresistible.
[14:11] Old Man
    Who was it that said something about being oppressed with sorrow?
[14:16] Old Man
    Oh yes, that was Kana.
[14:19] Gin
    Your pallor... Are you really?
[14:23] Old Man
    There's more to the dumpling story. Will you listen?
[14:28] Old Man
    Later, I heard that she got fired from the shop.
[14:36] Narrator
    It wasn't just me.
[14:38] Narrator
    She secretly gave dumplings to poor kids, hungry stray dogs and cats,
[14:42] Narrator
    as she came across them.
[14:46] Narrator
    Her boss found out that she'd given me free dumplings.
[14:49] Narrator
    So I was the reason she was fired.
[14:54] Old Man
    I did a terrible thing. Now it's too late to apologize.
[15:01] Old Man
    I wanted to at least return her hair ornament before I died.
[15:07] Old Man
    Actually, I'd just like to see her smiling face one more time.
[15:15] Gin
    Let's go.
[15:17] Shinpachi
    We're leaving?
[15:18] Gin
    We're going to find the owner of the hair ornament.
[15:21] Shinpachi/Kagura
    Huh?
[15:22] Gin
    Listen.
[15:24] Gin
    Let's say you drink too much strawberry milk during the day
[15:26] Gin
    and wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.
[15:28] ---
    But it's cold outside. You don't want to leave the comfort of your futon.
[15:31] ---
    But the urge to pee gets stronger and stronger!
[15:33] Gin
    Anguish! Worry! Trouble!
[15:35] Gin
    You make up your mind and go to the toilet!
[15:37] Gin
    You stand in front of the john! You let loose!
[15:39] Gin
    Man, that feeling of release!
[15:40] Gin
    All that pent-up feeling being released!
[15:43] Gin
    But then you realize... you're not in front of the john, you're still under the covers!
[15:48] Gin
    That warm feeling spreads between your thighs. But it won't stop. You can't stop!
[15:52] ---
    That's what it's all about.
[15:54] ---
    That's the true nature of Strawberry Milky! Understand?!
[15:58] Kagura
    Strawberry Milky!
[15:59] Shinpachi
    That's it...
[16:00] People
    Strawberry Milky!
[16:02] Kagura
    Strawberry Milky! Strawberry Milky!
[16:04] ---
    Strawberry Milky!
[16:05] Shinpachi/Kagura
    Strawberry Milky! Strawberry Milky!
[16:08] ---
    Strawberry Milky! Strawberry Milky!
[16:16] Shinpachi
    But how are we gonna track down the owner of a common hair ornament?
[16:21] Kagura
    I have an idea.
[16:23] Kagura
    Sadaharu, if you find her, you can chew this up all you like.
[16:26] Shinpachi
    Hey, that's ridiculous!
[16:28] Shinpachi
    What do you mean "chew this up all you like"?! Who is "this"?
[16:31] Kagura
    Smile.
[16:32] Shinpachi
    What kind of smile is that?!
[16:36] Shinpachi
    It's been fifty years! There's no scent left on it.
[16:40] Kagura
    Who knows? Maybe Ayano had strong B.O.?
[16:45] Shinpachi
    What?! Body odor?
[16:47] Shinpachi
    Don't shatter my youthful dreams of a woman, pickled seaweed girl!
[16:51] Gin
    Don't worry, Shinpachi. Pretty girls always smell good, no exception.
[16:58] ---
    Although, there are some who are pretty but have strong body odor.
[17:01] Shinpachi
    Is that a fetish?
[17:02] Gin
    No, no, no... Rather than the perfect woman, it makes you remember her, you know?
[17:08] Gin
    Huh?! Hey! You led us back home!
[17:13] Gin
    Did you think you were just out for a walk, moron?!
[17:17] Gin
    What is it? You're supposed to pee outside! Life is all about hit-and-run!
[17:26] Gin
    Hey, you don't think?
[17:27] Shinpachi
    No way...
[17:31] Otose
    Whatcha want?
[17:33] Otose
    Came to pay the rent?
[17:35] Otose
    Listen, I'm a creature of the night, so I don't work during the day.
[17:41] Otose
    Come back when it's dark, idiot!
[17:43] Gin
    No, there's no way she's...
[17:45] Shinpachi/Kagura
    Nope, not way.
[17:47] Gin
    She doesn't look like an Ayano.
[17:49] Shinpachi/Kagura
    Nope, no way.
[17:51] Otose
    How do you know my real name?
[17:54] Gin/Shinpachi/Kagura
    Wha?!
[17:56] Shinpachi
    My head is gonna explode! I can't understand her words?!
[18:00] Gin
    Don't mess with me, granny!
[18:02] Kagura
    No way are you Ayano!
[18:04] Kagura
    If that's your name, then "battleship" would come before it!
[18:06] Otose
    Heey!! You callin' me a battle axe?!
[18:14] Otose
    Otose is an alias. My professional name.
[18:19] Otose
    My real name is Ayano Terada.
[18:22] Kagura
    Little ants, out for a nice walk?
[18:26] Otose
    You can't cover up the truth with inane babble! I am Ayano, not an ant!
[18:35] Otose
    Yes? Otose Snack Shop.
[18:38] Otose
    What? Odd Jobs?
[18:41] Otose
    It's a call for you from Oedo Hospital.
[18:44] Otose
    Something about an old man in critical condition.
[18:50] Otose
    Someone you know in the hospital?
[18:56] Jaijien
    His condition is critical. He's nearing his end.
[19:00] Head Nurse
    He had an untreatable heart condition.
[19:04] Jaijien
    Well... I understand he was quite the lady's man,
[19:08] Jaijien
    but not a single one of them has come to his bedside. How sad.
[19:13] Jaijien
    In any case, as far as the hospital is concerned, we'll have one less problematic patient.
[19:17] Head Nurse
    Dr. Jaijien, his pulse is weakening.
[19:21] People
    Look out! It's a runaway horse!
[19:25] Woman
    Help!
[19:27] Townspeople
    Watch out!
[19:41] Town Girl
    Damn it!
[19:43] Shinpachi
    Hey, we stepped on something just now!
[19:46] Kagura
    Forget it.
[19:47] Gin
    In the pursuit of our mission, a few small sacrifices are nothing!
[19:51] Shinpachi
    That was a person! Maybe a person. It was a person!
[19:55] Gin
    Nah.
[19:56] Kagura
    I think it was a pebble or a cottonball.
[20:00] Otose
    You guys are awful.
[20:05] Jaijien
    It's time.
[20:07] Head Nurse
    No one came to his deathbed, after all.
[20:15] Gin
    Old man!
[20:17] Jaijien
    Wh-Who are you people?!
[20:20] Gin
    Strawberry Milky has a promise to keep to a comrade.
[20:22] Gin
    I brought her to you.
[20:34] Head Nurse
    D-Dr. Jaijien! He's conscious!
[20:36] Jaijien
    What?!
[20:38] Gin
    Hey, are you listening?
[20:40] Jaijien
    Hey, what are you doing?!
[20:43] Jaijien
    A-A giant white beast!
[20:45] Head Nurse
    Doctor!
[20:48] Gin
    I returned the kanzashi. Can you see, old man?
[20:54] Old Man (M)
    Yes, I can see.
[21:03] Old Man
    Ayano...
[21:10] Old Man
    You look great with that kanzashi.
[21:28] Ayano
    Thank you for returning it.
[21:51] Otose
    Oh dear, I wondered where you were taking me.
[21:55] Shinpachi
    But...he looked happy.
[21:59] Gin
    Hey, granny?
[22:03] Gin
    Did you actually remember him?
[22:07] Otose
    Remember what?
[22:08] Gin
    I mean...
[22:10] Otose
    I wonder...
[22:13] Ayano
    And now...
[22:15] Ayano
    ...why don't we go have some dumplings?
[22:19] Gin
    Y-Yeah.
SIGN    [Mini 3-Z Ginpachi Sensei]
[22:33] ---
    Mini...
[22:34] ---
    Ginpachi Sensei!
[22:37] Ginpachi
    Listen up, everyone.
[22:39] ---
    This kanji is tou [sugar]. It's written this way
[22:41] ---
    the characters hito, hito, hito [man, man, man] are supporting each other carrying the cross and going to the land of Tou.
[22:47] ---
    It's an ancient, ancient story.
[22:51] Student
    Sensei, why are you talking ancient history?
SIGN    [Preview]
SIGN    A cat-eared character debuts!
[24:28] Gin
    What? Are our ratings so bad that we need blatant moe pandering?
[24:32] ---
    And don't tell me...you're that cute character?
[24:36] Gin
    The next episode:
[24:37] Gin
    "People Who Make Good First Impressions Usually Suck"
SIGN    [This is a snack house, a place for old men to drink themselves sick and indulge their sick minds.]
SIGN    [Mu, a regular customer of "Otose"]
SIGN    Is working for a big advertisement agency.
[24:50] Otose
    Battleship Ayano!