# E11 - Look, Overly Sticky Sweet Dumplings Are Not Real Dumplings, You Idiot!
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/G6Q4MK1ZR/look-overly-sticky-sweet-dumplings-are-not-real-dumplings-you-idiot)
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** [Strawberry milk is Gin's favorite. Get lots of calcium and your bones will be strong]
***SIGN*** [The client is an old man on his last legs. He's literally "dead or alive."]
***SIGN*** ["Look, Overly Sticky Sweet Dumplings Are Not Real Dumplings, You Idiot!"]
**[01:51] Gin**
What? So what if it's a little different?!
**[01:55] Gin**
Don't you know the saying "Everyone's different, and everyone's great?"
**[01:58] Gin**
It's not Number One, it's the Only One!
**[02:01] Gin**
Quit complaining!
**[02:03] Gin**
You're badly mistaken if you think you can get by in this world by blaming everyone else.
**[02:07] Gin**
The world is full of demons!
**[02:10] ---**
Now listen up! This is what's important!
***SIGN*** [Calcium]
**[02:13] Gin**
Yes, calcium!
**[02:15] Gin**
As long as you get plenty of calcium, everything will turn out fine.
**[02:17] Gin**
Cramming for exams? Fights with your parents?
**[02:20] Gin**
That girl you like? A smelly crotch?
**[02:22] Gin**
Get your calcium and it'll all work out
**[02:24] Shinpachi**
No, it won't!
**[02:26] Shinpachi**
No matter how much calcium you drink, if you get hit by a car, your leg's still gonna break!
**[02:31] Gin**
I got hit too, but I'm fine!
**[02:33] Gin**
It's all because I drink this every day.
**[02:36] Shinpachi**
Don't act so high and mighty. You just like the taste of strawberry milk!
**[02:39] Gin**
What?! I drink coffee milk too, you know!
**[02:42] Kagura**
800 calories every day, go easy on the salt,
**[02:45] Kagura**
pretty tasty for 300 yen per meal.
**[02:49] Shinpachi**
That's my hospital meal!
**[02:51] Gin**
Just drink strawberry milk, strawberry milk.
**[02:54] Shinpachi**
Your breath! Sickly sweet!
**[02:55] Gin**
What? Gin exhales his "sweet breath".
**[02:59] Shinpachi**
Argh! Shinpachi sustains 99 points of damage!
**[03:02] Head Nurse**
Keep the noise down!
**[03:04] Head Nurse**
You're bothering the other patients!
**[03:07] Head Nurse**
There's even one who's on the verge of death. Do you get me, you little creep?!
**[03:11] Gin**
Oh, sorry. He's so noisy.
**[03:14] Shinpachi**
You're a really awful person!
**[03:17] Announcement**
It is time for Professor Jaijien to make his rounds.
**[03:27] Shinpachi**
Look, I'm a grown man, so just leave me alone.
**[03:31] Shinpachi**
You're making it hard for me to stay in the hospital.
**[03:33] Gin**
No matter how old we get, we are all on a journey in search of our place in life.
**[03:37] Shinpachi**
Quit paraphrasing life like it's a folk song!
**[03:40] Kagura**
Father-yo! Mother-yo! Hey-hey-ho!
**[03:43] Kagura**
Looking-for-my-home, in-a-manhole.
**[03:46] Kagura**
A long journey, a tiring one.
**[03:48] Shinpachi**
And forget the rap music! Besides, what kind of lyrics are those?!
**[03:52] Gin**
Man, too many artist wannabes.
**[03:56] Gin**
I chalk it up to calcium deficiency.
**[04:00] Old Man**
Strawberry milk, huh?
**[04:03] Old Man**
I drank a lot of it when I was young.
**[04:06] Old Man**
With the gals in tow.
**[04:09] Nurse**
How dare you?!
**[04:11] Old Man**
Satsuki, now she was a good girl.
**[04:15] Old Man**
"So much strawberry milk isn't good for you.
**[04:18] Old Man**
Drink coffee milk once in a while," is what she'd say.
**[04:22] Old Man**
And Yukari... She was totally in-your-face. But she worried about me, too.
**[04:27] Old Man**
It's been a long time since I've seen a "Strawberry Milky" like you!
**[04:31] Gin**
Strawberry Milky?
**[04:32] Old Man**
Right.
**[04:33] Old Man**
A man who puts his honor on the line
**[04:35] Old Man**
and keeps drinking strawberry milk is known to all as Strawberry Milky!
**[04:41] Gin**
Nah, I'm just the Odd Jobs guy in this poor little town.
**[04:44] Old Man**
Odd Jobs?
**[04:46] Gin**
And we'd better get going. We've got work to do.
**[04:49] Old Man**
Odd Jobs?
**[04:50] Gin**
Man, we're so busy. After all, I do take odd jobs.
**[04:55] Old Man**
Odd Jobs!
**[05:01] Kagura**
This is bad! It's like the emergency bell went off inside him.
**[05:05] ---**
Hamada didn't flinch when he was called "Crater-face,"
**[05:07] ---**
but that autumn during our second year in middle school,
**[05:10] ---**
he went crazy and threw chairs around when someone called him "Pock."
**[05:13] Shinpachi**
Who's Hamada?
**[05:17] Old Man**
You just said Odd Jobs, didn't you?
**[05:20] Old Man**
That means you'll do any kind of odd job for anyone?
**[05:24] Shinpachi**
I can't bring you back from the edge of the grave!
**[05:27] Shinpachi**
For that, please make a donation of gold at the church.
**[05:29] Shinpachi**
Sometimes, they'll do it for free. But Great-grandma told me not to say...
**[05:36] Shinpachi**
No, sorry. By gold, I'm talking about a game and...
**[05:40] Shinpachi**
Oh man, talking about a game in my final moments... Aghhh!
**[05:51] Announcer**
Once again, Professor Jaijien will make his rounds.
**[06:01] Old Man**
I want you to find the owner of this hair ornament.
**[06:06] Shinpachi**
Why is that?
**[06:08] Old Man**
She was my first l-o-v-e.
**[06:15] Shinpachi**
Hey, what's with the pickled seaweed?
**[06:16] Kagura**
Whenever I hear a sad story, eating pickled seaweed calms my heart.
**[06:22] Old Man**
I've spent all my days chasing tail the whole time.
**[06:27] ---**
But for some reason, all I can remember now is her smile.
**[06:33] Gin**
Gimme some pickled seaweed, too.
**[06:35] Shinpachi**
Both of you? Pathetic!
**[06:37] Old Man**
Laugh if you want.
**[06:40] Old Man**
An old man like me would yearn for love on his deathbed.
**[06:45] Shinpachi**
I'm not laughing...
**[06:48] Old Man**
She was so beautiful...
**[06:53] Old Man**
She always wore the kanzashi and worked hard every day.
**[06:56] Old Man**
She was the talk of the town.
**[06:58] Men**
Ayano!
**[07:00] Old Man**
Every man was in love with her.
**[07:02] Old Man**
And they all went to the shop where she worked and got fat eating dumplings.
**[07:07] Old Man (N)**
I wanted to join them, but I had no money and besides, I was way too shy.
**[07:12] Old Man (N)**
All I could do was lurk behind corners to catch a glimpse of her.
**[07:19] Old Man (N)**
Then one day...
**[07:27] Ayano**
I see you've come to visit again.
**[07:30] Ayano**
Don't be shy! Come over here.
**[07:35] Ayano**
You're always watching from over there.
**[07:38] Ayano**
I see you every time.
**[07:45] Old Man (N)**
Those were the first words Ayano uttered to me.
**[07:51] Old Man (N)**
But right after that...
**[07:54] Ayano**
You must really like it.
**[07:59] Ayano**
Here you go.
**[08:02] Ayano**
You wanted these, didn't you?
**[08:04] Ayano**
But don't tell anyone, okay?
**[08:07] Old Man (N)**
She had no idea how I felt about her.
**[08:11] Old Man (N)**
Which was probably a stroke of luck.
**[08:13] Old Man (N)**
After all, just being near her made me almost pass out.
**[08:18] Old Man (N)**
Of course, I couldn't even swallow the dumplings.
**[08:29] Ayano**
Are you all right?!
**[08:31] ---**
What's wrong?!
**[08:33] Old Man (N)**
As I lay there choking on the dumpling, I didn't think about dying.
**[08:37] ---**
My only thoughts were of regret that I wouldn't see her again.
**[08:43] Ayano**
Somebody, help!
**[08:46] Old Man (N)**
I pulled myself together and run away.
**[08:57] Old Man (N)**
When I regained my senses...
**[09:00] Old Man (N)**
I was lying in some alley, covered in my own vomit.
**[09:07] Old Man (N)**
I had been half out of my mind when I ran,
**[09:10] Old Man (N)**
and somehow I had grabbed her hair ornament on the way.
**[09:13] Old Man**
I want you to find her.
**[09:16] Gin**
It's gonna cost you. We're a top-class operation, after all.
**[09:20] Old Man**
I have money.
**[09:24] Old Man**
I've spent all I want on women, and still I can't use it up.
**[09:28] Old Man**
I have no family, so I've often wondered what to do about my wealth.
**[09:33] Old Man**
If you accept my request, I'll leave you my entire fortune.
**[09:38] Gin**
Ah well, I guess we don't have much choice!
**[09:41] Gin**
We can't turn down an old man's request.
**[09:45] Shinpachi**
You look like you're trying hard not to look so happy!
**[09:48] Gin**
Shut up, Shinpachi!
**[09:49] Gin**
You're gonna take good care of our client!
**[09:52] Gin**
You put your heart and soul into this!
**[09:55] Shinpachi**
Excuse me? I'm still a patient here.
**[09:58] Gin**
You fool!
**[10:00] Gin**
Odd Jobs exists to help people, right?!
**[10:03] Gin**
It isn't money or education, but love. That's what's important in life!
**[10:06] Kagura**
And when a youth forgets vitality and kindness, then he's nothing.
**[10:10] Shinpachi**
Huh? Why am I the hapless youth in this?
**[10:16] Kagura**
Is "fortune" better than pickled seaweed?
**[10:19] Gin**
It's even better than a family pack of pickled seaweed.
**[10:21] Kagura**
Wow!
**[10:22] Shinpachi**
Hey!
**[10:24] Store Clerk**
Kanzashi Dango Shop?
**[10:27] Store Clerk**
Never heard of the place.
**[10:28] Gin**
I heard it used to be in this district, a long time ago.
**[10:31] Store Clerk**
Nope, I can't remember anything beyond three days ago.
**[10:35] Gin**
You're worse than a chicken.
**[10:37] Store Clerk**
Since you're here... How about paying your bill, Gintoki?
**[10:41] Store Clerk**
The last time you paid was 219 days ago.
**[10:44] Store Clerk**
After that, you had isobe dumplings 207 days ago
**[10:48] Store Clerk**
and amazake and kinako dumplings 202 days ago...
**[10:51] Gin**
And what?
**[10:52] Gin**
Are you like those kids who can memorize every stop on the Tokaido line from Tokyo?
**[10:57] ---**
The day isn't long enough.
**[10:58] Gin**
Anyway, we're looking for a girl named Ayano who used to work at this shop named Kanzashi.
**[11:04] ---**
Well, it's over 50 years ago, so she's probably a granny now.
**[11:08] Store Clerk**
Nope, no good. I'm not interested in chicks over forty years old.
**[11:13] ---**
Never mind that, Gintoki. Pay your tab, will you?
**[11:16] ---**
The last time you paid was 219 days ago.
**[11:19] Gin**
You'd be more popular with chicks if you learn the formula for pi.
**[11:21] Store Clerk**
Huh? For real?!
**[11:26] Store Clerk**
Wait! Which is better?! Being able to name the chief secretaries of Russia or the shoguns?!
**[11:32] Shinpachi**
I bought it. Your JUMP and Weekly Playboy.
**[11:35] Shinpachi**
Also, I couldn't reach Kayoko and Rira because their phone numbers have been changed.
**[11:41] Old Man**
I see.
**[11:42] Old Man**
Then call Mai and Ayumi.
**[11:45] Old Man**
Then I want you to buy me some fruit-flavored milk and a fried shrimp sandwich.
**[11:50] Old Man**
You've got to have fruit-flavored milk with a fried shrimp sandwich.
**[11:54] Old Man**
Don't you know even that?
**[11:55] Shinpachi**
No, I don't!
**[11:57] Shinpachi**
Why do all the people around me have their own rules?!
**[12:00] ---**
Anyway...
**[12:03] Old Man**
I see three options.
**[12:05] Old Man**
1. Read your palm.
**[12:07] Old Man**
2. Hold hands.
**[12:09] Old Man**
3. Paper.
**[12:11] ---**
Which is it?
**[12:12] Shinpachi**
Money! Pay up! Do you know how much I've spent on you so far?!
**[12:17] Old Man**
My goodness, you youngsters always thinking about money!
**[12:21] Old Man**
How sad. Are you some money-cursing ghost?!
**[12:29] Shinpachi**
I can't keep up with this! Who does he think he is, that old geezer?!
**[12:32] Shinpachi**
And that's just unbelievable.
**[12:34] Shinpachi**
The photos in Playboy go from large to small.
**[12:37] Shinpachi**
Why doesn't he look at them in order?! I can't believe he skipped pages!
**[12:41] Nurse A**
Oh, I can't stand that old pervert.
**[12:45] Nurse B**
Just shake that head of his.
**[12:47] Nurse B**
They may call us angels in white, but it's enough to make me wanna kill.
**[12:50] Nurse B**
It'd be a different story if we got tips for this.
**[12:52] Nurse A**
Not gonna happen.
**[12:53] Nurse A**
Even his hospital bills have piled up for months. He's famous for being broke.
**[12:59] Shinpachi**
Why that old pervert.
**[13:02] Gin/Kagura**
Why that dirty, old bastard!
**[13:18] Gin/Kagura**
Money!
**[13:21] Old Man**
Oh, you found out?
**[13:24] Gin**
How dare you?!
**[13:26] Old Man**
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
**[13:27] Old Man**
Are you trying to ruin an old man's dream all because of a little thing like money?
**[13:31] Kagura**
How dare you say such a thing!
**[13:34] Gin**
When the money runs dry, so does our relationship. It's over.
**[13:38] Shinpachi**
I'm taking the JUMP. I wanna know what happens in the tenth issue.
**[13:42] Kagura**
This hospital food, too. I'm sorta curious about the lightly sweetened desserts.
**[13:49] Gin**
So that's it. No hard feelings eh?
**[13:59] Old Man**
So now you know, I'm not just some old pervert...
**[14:03] Old Man**
...I'm a very sick old pervert.
**[14:07] Old Man**
Reika says my hollow cheeks are irresistible.
**[14:11] Old Man**
Who was it that said something about being oppressed with sorrow?
**[14:16] Old Man**
Oh yes, that was Kana.
**[14:19] Gin**
Your pallor... Are you really?
**[14:23] Old Man**
There's more to the dumpling story. Will you listen?
**[14:28] Old Man**
Later, I heard that she got fired from the shop.
**[14:36] Narrator**
It wasn't just me.
**[14:38] Narrator**
She secretly gave dumplings to poor kids, hungry stray dogs and cats,
**[14:42] Narrator**
as she came across them.
**[14:46] Narrator**
Her boss found out that she'd given me free dumplings.
**[14:49] Narrator**
So I was the reason she was fired.
**[14:54] Old Man**
I did a terrible thing. Now it's too late to apologize.
**[15:01] Old Man**
I wanted to at least return her hair ornament before I died.
**[15:07] Old Man**
Actually, I'd just like to see her smiling face one more time.
**[15:15] Gin**
Let's go.
**[15:17] Shinpachi**
We're leaving?
**[15:18] Gin**
We're going to find the owner of the hair ornament.
**[15:21] Shinpachi/Kagura**
Huh?
**[15:22] Gin**
Listen.
**[15:24] Gin**
Let's say you drink too much strawberry milk during the day
**[15:26] Gin**
and wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.
**[15:28] ---**
But it's cold outside. You don't want to leave the comfort of your futon.
**[15:31] ---**
But the urge to pee gets stronger and stronger!
**[15:33] Gin**
Anguish! Worry! Trouble!
**[15:35] Gin**
You make up your mind and go to the toilet!
**[15:37] Gin**
You stand in front of the john! You let loose!
**[15:39] Gin**
Man, that feeling of release!
**[15:40] Gin**
All that pent-up feeling being released!
**[15:43] Gin**
But then you realize... you're not in front of the john, you're still under the covers!
**[15:48] Gin**
That warm feeling spreads between your thighs. But it won't stop. You can't stop!
**[15:52] ---**
That's what it's all about.
**[15:54] ---**
That's the true nature of Strawberry Milky! Understand?!
**[15:58] Kagura**
Strawberry Milky!
**[15:59] Shinpachi**
That's it...
**[16:00] People**
Strawberry Milky!
**[16:02] Kagura**
Strawberry Milky! Strawberry Milky!
**[16:04] ---**
Strawberry Milky!
**[16:05] Shinpachi/Kagura**
Strawberry Milky! Strawberry Milky!
**[16:08] ---**
Strawberry Milky! Strawberry Milky!
**[16:16] Shinpachi**
But how are we gonna track down the owner of a common hair ornament?
**[16:21] Kagura**
I have an idea.
**[16:23] Kagura**
Sadaharu, if you find her, you can chew this up all you like.
**[16:26] Shinpachi**
Hey, that's ridiculous!
**[16:28] Shinpachi**
What do you mean "chew this up all you like"?! Who is "this"?
**[16:31] Kagura**
Smile.
**[16:32] Shinpachi**
What kind of smile is that?!
**[16:36] Shinpachi**
It's been fifty years! There's no scent left on it.
**[16:40] Kagura**
Who knows? Maybe Ayano had strong B.O.?
**[16:45] Shinpachi**
What?! Body odor?
**[16:47] Shinpachi**
Don't shatter my youthful dreams of a woman, pickled seaweed girl!
**[16:51] Gin**
Don't worry, Shinpachi. Pretty girls always smell good, no exception.
**[16:58] ---**
Although, there are some who are pretty but have strong body odor.
**[17:01] Shinpachi**
Is that a fetish?
**[17:02] Gin**
No, no, no... Rather than the perfect woman, it makes you remember her, you know?
**[17:08] Gin**
Huh?! Hey! You led us back home!
**[17:13] Gin**
Did you think you were just out for a walk, moron?!
**[17:17] Gin**
What is it? You're supposed to pee outside! Life is all about hit-and-run!
**[17:26] Gin**
Hey, you don't think?
**[17:27] Shinpachi**
No way...
**[17:31] Otose**
Whatcha want?
**[17:33] Otose**
Came to pay the rent?
**[17:35] Otose**
Listen, I'm a creature of the night, so I don't work during the day.
**[17:41] Otose**
Come back when it's dark, idiot!
**[17:43] Gin**
No, there's no way she's...
**[17:45] Shinpachi/Kagura**
Nope, not way.
**[17:47] Gin**
She doesn't look like an Ayano.
**[17:49] Shinpachi/Kagura**
Nope, no way.
**[17:51] Otose**
How do you know my real name?
**[17:54] Gin/Shinpachi/Kagura**
Wha?!
**[17:56] Shinpachi**
My head is gonna explode! I can't understand her words?!
**[18:00] Gin**
Don't mess with me, granny!
**[18:02] Kagura**
No way are you Ayano!
**[18:04] Kagura**
If that's your name, then "battleship" would come before it!
**[18:06] Otose**
Heey!! You callin' me a battle axe?!
**[18:14] Otose**
Otose is an alias. My professional name.
**[18:19] Otose**
My real name is Ayano Terada.
**[18:22] Kagura**
Little ants, out for a nice walk?
**[18:26] Otose**
You can't cover up the truth with inane babble! I am Ayano, not an ant!
**[18:35] Otose**
Yes? Otose Snack Shop.
**[18:38] Otose**
What? Odd Jobs?
**[18:41] Otose**
It's a call for you from Oedo Hospital.
**[18:44] Otose**
Something about an old man in critical condition.
**[18:50] Otose**
Someone you know in the hospital?
**[18:56] Jaijien**
His condition is critical. He's nearing his end.
**[19:00] Head Nurse**
He had an untreatable heart condition.
**[19:04] Jaijien**
Well... I understand he was quite the lady's man,
**[19:08] Jaijien**
but not a single one of them has come to his bedside. How sad.
**[19:13] Jaijien**
In any case, as far as the hospital is concerned, we'll have one less problematic patient.
**[19:17] Head Nurse**
Dr. Jaijien, his pulse is weakening.
**[19:21] People**
Look out! It's a runaway horse!
**[19:25] Woman**
Help!
**[19:27] Townspeople**
Watch out!
**[19:41] Town Girl**
Damn it!
**[19:43] Shinpachi**
Hey, we stepped on something just now!
**[19:46] Kagura**
Forget it.
**[19:47] Gin**
In the pursuit of our mission, a few small sacrifices are nothing!
**[19:51] Shinpachi**
That was a person! Maybe a person. It was a person!
**[19:55] Gin**
Nah.
**[19:56] Kagura**
I think it was a pebble or a cottonball.
**[20:00] Otose**
You guys are awful.
**[20:05] Jaijien**
It's time.
**[20:07] Head Nurse**
No one came to his deathbed, after all.
**[20:15] Gin**
Old man!
**[20:17] Jaijien**
Wh-Who are you people?!
**[20:20] Gin**
Strawberry Milky has a promise to keep to a comrade.
**[20:22] Gin**
I brought her to you.
**[20:34] Head Nurse**
D-Dr. Jaijien! He's conscious!
**[20:36] Jaijien**
What?!
**[20:38] Gin**
Hey, are you listening?
**[20:40] Jaijien**
Hey, what are you doing?!
**[20:43] Jaijien**
A-A giant white beast!
**[20:45] Head Nurse**
Doctor!
**[20:48] Gin**
I returned the kanzashi. Can you see, old man?
**[20:54] Old Man (M)**
Yes, I can see.
**[21:03] Old Man**
Ayano...
**[21:10] Old Man**
You look great with that kanzashi.
**[21:28] Ayano**
Thank you for returning it.
**[21:51] Otose**
Oh dear, I wondered where you were taking me.
**[21:55] Shinpachi**
But...he looked happy.
**[21:59] Gin**
Hey, granny?
**[22:03] Gin**
Did you actually remember him?
**[22:07] Otose**
Remember what?
**[22:08] Gin**
I mean...
**[22:10] Otose**
I wonder...
**[22:13] Ayano**
And now...
**[22:15] Ayano**
...why don't we go have some dumplings?
**[22:19] Gin**
Y-Yeah.
***SIGN*** [Mini 3-Z Ginpachi Sensei]
**[22:33] ---**
Mini...
**[22:34] ---**
Ginpachi Sensei!
**[22:37] Ginpachi**
Listen up, everyone.
**[22:39] ---**
This kanji is tou [sugar]. It's written this way
**[22:41] ---**
the characters hito, hito, hito [man, man, man] are supporting each other carrying the cross and going to the land of Tou.
**[22:47] ---**
It's an ancient, ancient story.
**[22:51] Student**
Sensei, why are you talking ancient history?
***SIGN*** [Preview]
***SIGN*** A cat-eared character debuts!
**[24:28] Gin**
What? Are our ratings so bad that we need blatant moe pandering?
**[24:32] ---**
And don't tell me...you're that cute character?
**[24:36] Gin**
The next episode:
**[24:37] Gin**
"People Who Make Good First Impressions Usually Suck"
***SIGN*** [This is a snack house, a place for old men to drink themselves sick and indulge their sick minds.]
***SIGN*** [Mu, a regular customer of "Otose"]
***SIGN*** Is working for a big advertisement agency.
**[24:50] Otose**
Battleship Ayano!