E169 - The Chosen Idiots

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    ["The Chosen Idiots"]
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Dragon Quest
    IV Ch. 5 title "The Chosen."]
[01:39] King
    That's Lady Tama's main system.
[01:42] King
    It's already been taken over by the viruses
    and converted into their stronghold.
[01:47] King
    The brains behind the Tapir
    and their extensive invasion
[01:51] King
    dwell inside-the Archfiend Tapir.
[01:55] King
    The progenitor of all the Tapir spreading
    throughout Lady Tama's body.
[02:00] King
    The king of the Tapir.
[02:04] King
    We won't be able to stop the Tapir
    invasion unless we destroy him.
[02:08] King
    To return peace to this world...
[02:11] King
    To save Lady Tama...
[02:14] King
    We must defeat him.
[02:22] Tama
    The Archfiend Tapir is like the
    main system for the Tapir.
[02:27] Tama
    Destroying him should render
    the Tapir powerless.
[02:31] Shinpachi
    The problem is how we're going
    to reach the Archfiend Tapir.
[02:36] Shinpachi
    As you would expect of the
    enemy's main base...
[02:38] Shinpachi
    Black bodysuits everywhere you look.
[02:40] Kagura
    And they all look stronger than
    the ones we've fought before.
[02:44] Tama
    This is the Archfiend Tapir's territory.
[02:47] Tama
    The place is swarming with the latest viruses
    created by the Archfiend Tapir.
[02:52] Tama
    They won't be easy to defeat like before.
[02:54] Tama
    We'll need to come up with a plan.
[02:56] Gintoki
    Come on now.
[02:57] Gintoki
    Give me a break.
[02:59] Gintoki
    Why slow down after coming this far?
[03:02] Gintoki
    Those new viruses are just pseudo
    DQ characters that spawned from
[03:08] Gintoki
    the virus eating her DQ-crazed brain.
[03:12] Gintoki
    Like this guy.
[03:15] Gintoki
    We don't need a plan to
    deal with these freaks.
[03:19] Gintoki
    Just go on a rampage.
[03:21] King
    Wait!
[03:22] King
    Only the most foolish of fools
    would suggest "rampaging"
[03:26] King
    straight into the Archfiend
    Tapir's stronghold!
[03:27] King
    A party with you as its leader would run
    out of MP before reaching the Archfiend
[03:33] King
    and be forced to jot down a long resurrection
    spell to even make it halfway there.
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Dragon Quest III.]
[03:37] King
    What an idiot.
[03:39] King
    The party would be wiped out
    if we followed your orders!
[03:43] King
    I am the hero who will save Lady Tama.
[03:46] King
    A Jester like you should go
    goof off in Luida's bar!
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Jester class and Luida character from Dragon Quest III.]
[03:49] Gintoki
    Who are you calling a Jester, damn it?!
[03:51] Gintoki
    Sure, I might goof off!
[03:54] Gintoki
    But the son of Bianca and I will
    become the Heavenly Hero!
SIGN    
[03:58] Gintoki
    So I'm no ordinary Jester!
[03:59] Gintoki
    I'm the Heavenly Jester!
[04:02] King
    It would be best to avoid combat
[04:03] King
    before we reach the Archfiend
    and conserve our health.
[04:07] King
    Use herbs to heal.
[04:09] Gintoki
    Hey! You listening to me, cosplay freak?!
[04:12] King
    We'll go with a "no magic" tactic.
[04:15] Shinpachi
    Uh, we don't have any
    magic to begin with.
[04:18] Gintoki
    How can we defeat the Archfiend
    with such a conservative tactic?
[04:22] Gintoki
    Are you an idiot?
[04:24] Gintoki
    A stingy party led by you would
    carry so many herbs
[04:26] Gintoki
    you wouldn't be able to open
    any treasure chests
[04:29] Gintoki
    and get wiped out with full MP before
    you even reach the Archfiend.
[04:34] Gintoki
    We should all use "Firevolt"
    except for Kiryl.
SIGN    [Note: Firevolt is a powerful spell. Kiryl is a priest from Dragon Quest IV.]
[04:38] Shinpachi
    I've never heard of that tactic!
[04:39] Shinpachi
    Who's Kiryl?!
[04:41] Gintoki
    Kiryl is the Shinpachi-like character
    that stupidly casts Defeat
SIGN    
[04:43] Gintoki
    on the Archfiend if you leave
    him to his own devices.
[04:46] Gintoki
    It's better to keep him silenced.
[04:48] Shinpachi
    Are you trying to say I'm useless?
[04:50] King
    You don't even know how to use
    Kiryl properly? Laughable.
[04:53] King
    It appears that you are unqualified
    to lead this party.
[04:57] Gintoki
    Shut up.
[04:59] Gintoki
    You wanna live on a cart with
    Kiryl, Borya, and Torneko?
[05:03] Gintoki
    Wanna live a gloomy life badmouthing
    the best members behind their backs?
[05:08] Shinpachi
    There they go again.
[05:09] Shinpachi
    The two of them are hopeless.
[05:11] Kagura
    Tama, do something.
[05:13] Tama
    Understood.
[05:15] Tama
    Then we'll compromise and go with "Keep
    everyone except Kiryl healed up."
[05:20] Shinpachi
    You want Kiryl to die?!
[05:22] Shinpachi
    Was that directed at me?!
[05:23] Shinpachi
    Am I that useless?!
[05:25] Gintoki
    Whatever then. We'll go with that.
[05:29] Gintoki
    Firevolt Kiryl.
[05:31] Shinpachi
    Why are you being mean to Kiryl?!
[05:33] Shinpachi
    You're attacking Kiryl now!!
[05:35] King
    Whatever then.
[05:37] King
    I'll settle for "no Kiryl."
[05:39] Shinpachi
    You think Kiryl's a nuisance, too?!
[05:41] Kagura
    This will never end if we leave
    it to the stupid heroes.
[05:45] Kagura
    I'll go draw them out.
[05:47] Kagura
    The rest of you head for the castle.
[05:54] Shinpachi
    Kagura-chan!
[05:55] Shinpachi
    She's the real hero here!
[05:57] Shinpachi
    That was damn ballsy!
[05:59] Shinpachi
    Way cooler than some
    other people I know!
[06:02] Gintoki
    Stop wasting time!
[06:04] Gintoki
    This is our only chance!
[06:06] Gintoki
    Let's go!
[06:11] King
    Wait!
[06:16] King
    The lead position is reserved
    for the hero!
[06:19] King
    I am the hero who will save Lady Tama!
[06:24] Gintoki
    What do you think you're
    doing, Mr. Cosplay Hero?
[06:27] Gintoki
    The party will be wiped out with
    a psycho like you in the lead!
[06:31] Gintoki
    I'll do it!
SIGN    [Note: In Dragon Quest III a woman in Ashalam town gives a "Puff-puff" (wiggles her boobs) service.]
[06:35] King
    A Jester should be getting
    a puff-puff in Ashalam!
[06:38] King
    I am the leader of this party!
[06:42] Gintoki
    Don't mess with me!
SIGN    [Note: Main character from the first three Dragon Quest games.]
[06:44] Gintoki
    Loto, the hero, should get lost!
[06:45] Gintoki
    This is the age of the Heavenly Hero!
SIGN    [Note: Main character for Dragon Quest IV, V and VI.]
[06:48] Shinpachi
    Hey!
[06:49] Shinpachi
    What are the two of you doing?!
[06:50] Shinpachi
    We don't have time for this!
[06:52] Gintoki
    Did you just cast Defeat?!
[06:54] Gintoki
    You just cast Defeat, didn't you?! Hey!
[06:56] Shinpachi
    What's wrong with the two of them?
[06:58] Shinpachi
    They have the exact same face
    yet they can't get along at all.
[07:01] Shinpachi
    Tama-san, was that person
    really based on Gin-san?
[07:05] Shinpachi
    They hate each other's guts.
[07:07] Shinpachi
    Forget about being the strongest combo!
[07:08] Shinpachi
    They're the worst possible combo!
[07:10] Tama
    While cake and ramen both taste good,
[07:13] Tama
    combining them into cake ramen
    will ruin the dish,
[07:16] Tama
    leaving you with something that
    tastes absolutely horrible.
[07:22] Tama
    I may have made a terrible
    miscalculation.
[07:26] Shinpachi
    That's a fatal error!
[07:28] Shinpachi
    You brought the two of them together
    without even thinking it through?!
[07:32] Shinpachi
    Crap! The enemy spotted us!
[07:34] Shinpachi
    Quick! Run away!
[07:36] Shinpachi
    Gin-san!
[07:36] Shinpachi
    Leukocyte King!
[07:38] King
    Do not touch me with your
    virus-infested hands!
SIGN    [Domestos] [Note: A toilet-bowl cleanser.]
[07:44] ---
    Domestos!
[07:56] Gintoki
    Is that all a hero can do?
[08:00] Gintoki
    Forget Kandar...
SIGN    [Note: Boss from Dragon Quest III.]
[08:02] Gintoki
    You can't even defeat a single slime.
SIGN    [Note: Slime is the weakest monster in Dragon Quest.]
[08:08] Gintoki
    Now it's my turn!
[08:14] Gintoki
    Take this!
SIGN    [Magiclean] [Note: A line of all-purpose cleaning products.]
[08:15] ---
    Magiclean!
[08:26] King
    Is that all you're capable of?
[08:28] King
    Forget slimes...
[08:31] King
    Your mother will come to wake
    you up in the morning,
[08:34] King
    and you'll already be a corpse.
[08:37] King
    Behold the power of the hero!
SIGN    [Ariel] [Note: A laundry detergent.]
[08:44] Gintoki
    Can't touch me!
SIGN    [Charmy Green] [Note: A dishwashing detergent.]
[08:48] King
    Not yet...
SIGN    [Febreze] [Note: An odor eliminator.]
[08:49] King
    Not yet!
[08:50] Gintoki
    What?!
SIGN    [Family Fresh] [Note: A dishwashing detergent.]
[08:52] King
    What are you trying to hit?!
SIGN    [Dove] [Note: Refers to Dove brand soap.]
[08:54] Gintoki
    Now for the finish!
SIGN    [Mama Lemon] [Note: A dishwashing detergent.]
[09:01] Shinpachi
    What are they doing?!
[09:03] Shinpachi
    This is crazy!
[09:05] Tama
    No, look.
[09:07] Tama
    The army of viruses are being
    wiped out by their fighting.
[09:11] Tama
    I didn't make a mistake.
[09:14] Tama
    Those two are the strongest...
[09:19] Shinpachi
    That's...
[09:21] Shinpachi
    Their attacks are melding...
[09:23] Shinpachi
    This is...
[09:25] Shinpachi
    That light is...
SIGN    
    
    
[09:41] Gengai
    Hey now.
[09:44] Gengai
    Are those guys okay?
[09:59] Shinpachi
    Who's the strongest duo again?
[10:02] Shinpachi
    Those two are obviously
[10:04] Shinpachi
    not meant to be mixed together.
SIGN    [Note: Parody of warning label on detergents.]
[10:11] Kagura
    It was a mistake to pair them together.
[10:14] Kagura
    You know how they say you'll die
    if you run into your doppelganger.
[10:19] Kagura
    At this rate, they'll get
    the rest of us killed.
[10:22] Tama
    But they were able to do significant
    damage to the virus army
[10:26] Tama
    and we have managed
    to infiltrate the castle.
[10:29] Tama
    It's as I planned.
[10:31] Shinpachi
    Liar!
[10:32] Shinpachi
    This is like reaching the boss with
    your HP and MP in single digits!
[10:35] Shinpachi
    The window is all red!
[10:37] Shinpachi
    What are we supposed to do?!
[10:38] King
    Don't worry.
[10:41] King
    Many of the recent final bosses,
    right before the final battle...
[10:45] Last Boss
    Show me everything you've got.
[10:47] Last Boss
    I'll kill you slowly.
[10:50] King
    ...say stuff like that.
[10:51] King
    Often restoring all your HP and MP.
[10:55] King
    We'll count on that.
[10:57] Shinpachi
    Why are you depending
    on the final boss?!
[11:01] Shinpachi
    Just to be clear, this isn't a game.
[11:04] Shinpachi
    There aren't any save points
    or resurrection spells.
[11:06] Shinpachi
    Die once and it's over.
[11:08] Shinpachi
    Could you please stop fighting?
[11:11] Shinpachi
    This isn't the time to be
    hurting one another.
[11:25] King
    Are you scared of dying?
[11:27] King
    Go ahead and turn tail and go home.
[11:29] King
    As I said in the beginning,
[11:32] King
    I can handle this myself.
[11:39] Kagura
    Hey!
[11:41] Kagura
    Why do you have to be so abrasive?
[11:47] Kagura
    Gin-chan and you...
[11:49] Kagura
    No, we're all the same.
[11:53] Kagura
    It isn't just your appearance.
[11:54] Kagura
    All of us have been protecting Tama
    on the outside and the inside.
[11:58] Kagura
    Why do you refuse to cooperate?
[12:00] Kagura
    Don't you care if Tama breaks down?!
[12:04] King
    That's why I'm telling you to leave!
[12:12] King
    You all came here to save Lady Tama.
[12:16] King
    I know you all care deeply
    for Lady Tama.
[12:20] King
    But because you feel that way...
[12:23] King
    Because you are willing to
    risk your lives for a robot,
[12:27] King
    it means there are also other things
[12:31] King
    you strive to protect.
[12:37] King
    Things and people on the outside...
[12:47] King
    I'm different.
[12:50] King
    I was made for the sole purpose
    of protecting Lady Tama.
[12:54] King
    I live to protect Lady Tama.
[13:00] King
    I don't care about what happens
    to anyone besides Lady Tama.
[13:04] King
    I have no interest in anyone
    but Lady Tama.
[13:21] Shinpachi
    Looks like you're interested in something
    else besides Lady Tama!
[13:23] Kagura
    Why are you getting greedy and falling
    for such a cheap booby trap?
[13:29] King
    D-Do you understand now?
[13:31] King
    I'll have no trouble protecting
    Lady Tama by myself.
[13:34] Shinpachi
    It sure doesn't look that way.
[13:36] Shinpachi
    You look hopelessly unreliable!
[13:38] ---
    Idiot!
[13:40] King
    I-I've been through more ordeals
    than the lot of you.
[13:44] Shinpachi
    Your whole life must have
    been an ordeal.
[13:46] Shinpachi
    It doesn't matter how many lives you have
    if you keep falling for these cheap traps.
[13:50] King
    Leave if you understand!
[13:52] Shinpachi
    Uh, then let go of me.
[13:54] Shinpachi
    You've got one heck of an iron grip.
[13:56] King
    Leave after you've dealt with this!
[13:59] King
    Damn nuisances!
[14:01] King
    I am the only hero needed
    to protect Lady Tama!
[14:06] Tama
    Isn't he just like you?
[14:09] Tama
    He has difficulty expressing himself...
[14:12] Tama
    He's antagonistic...
[14:14] Tama
    He's all based on you.
[14:19] Gintoki
    You see me as such a
    shameless person?
[14:24] Tama
    As I observed you and collected data,
[14:28] Tama
    he evolved into someone
    more human than I was.
[14:33] Tama
    That is why I could not stand by
[14:36] Tama
    and watch him die alone.
[14:41] Tama
    You should be able to understand...
[14:43] Tama
    Why he keeps telling you to
    leave so he can go alone...
[14:50] Tama
    Why he acts so hostile...
[14:53] Gintoki
    Did you bring the two of us together so...
[14:59] Gintoki
    Hey! Your body's...
[15:02] Tama
    It appears... that the... Tapir...
    have reached...
[15:05] Tama
    the backup system... that
    created this copy...
[15:09] Tama
    There is... no time...
[15:12] Tama
    Will you... listen... to my... final request?
[15:18] Tama
    It will... probably be... impossible
    to... recover my... system...
[15:26] Tama
    The Tapir... are already... deep... inside...
[15:36] Tama
    At this... rate...
[15:41] Tama
    he won't... be able... to survive...
[15:45] Tama
    Forget... about... me...
[15:53] Tama
    At least try... to free... him...
    from this... place...
[16:01] Tama
    My fr...d... who has... protected
    me... for so... long...
[16:10] Tama
    Protect... my oth...r... friend...
[16:35] Gintoki
    Tama...
[16:37] Gintoki
    Sorry, but I can't honor your request.
[16:41] Gintoki
    If he really is my clone,
[16:45] Gintoki
    he would never want that.
[16:50] Gintoki
    And I won't let anybody die.
[16:55] Gintoki
    Not your friends
[16:57] Gintoki
    and not mine.
[17:12] Man
    Listen up!
[17:14] Man
    Do not let a single rat
    into the throne room!
[17:18] Man
    The system of this world will soon
    fall into our Tapir hands!
[17:23] Man
    Until then, we must protect
    the Archfiend Tapir!
[17:27] Man
    Victory is within sight!
[17:29] Man
    Now go forth!
[17:34] Man
    Wh-What?!
[17:36] Man
    That wasn't what I meant
    when I said "go"!
[17:39] Man
    I didn't mean for you to go and die!
[17:41] Man
    Hey! Come back, guys!
[17:43] Gintoki
    Yo.
[17:47] Gintoki
    I've always wanted to ask something.
[17:49] Gintoki
    How does the Archfiend feel when
    a level 99 Hero comes for him?
[17:58] Gintoki
    Does he feel like turning
    tail and running?
[18:02] Gintoki
    Or does he try leveling himself up?
[18:06] King
    If that's the case, I would recommend
    the Capillary Caves to the west.
[18:11] King
    There's a high chance you'll run
    into Liquid Metal Slimes viruses.
SIGN    [Note: A Dragon Quest monster.]
[18:14] King
    In the end, it doesn't matter
    how many levels you gain.
[18:21] King
    'Cause when you multiply 99 by
    2, you get a level 198 Hero.
[18:29] King
    Except I'm level 100.
[18:31] Gintoki
    I'm actually level 101.
[18:33] King
    No, I'm actually level 103.
[18:38] Fiend
    This world has already fallen under
    the absolute control of the Tapir.
[18:45] Fiend
    You cannot change anything.
[18:49] Fiend
    It's all over.
[18:51] Fiend
    Can you not comprehend that?
[19:01] King
    It's not over.
[19:03] King
    One last security measure remains.
[19:06] King
    As long as I, the Leukocyte
    King, am still here,
[19:10] King
    this world will continue to exist after all
    the systems have been knocked out!
[19:15] King
    I will protect Lady Tama!
[19:21] Fiend
    You truly believe you can defeat
    me and save this world?
[19:30] Fiend
    Leukocyte King...
[19:32] Fiend
    No matter how many heroes you bring from
    other worlds, you are powerless against me.
[19:39] Fiend
    I guarantee it.
[19:41] Fiend
    You cannot defeat me.
[19:45] Fiend
    You cannot even harm me,
    let alone defeat me!
[19:53] Fiend
    Because you have fought to protect
    this world for so long...
[20:00] ---
    Because you love this world
    more than anyone else...
[20:05] Fiend
    You cannot defeat me.
[20:15] Shinpachi
    Th-That's...
[20:18] King
    I-Impossible...
[20:21] King
    It's...
[20:23] King
    Lady Tama!
[20:26] Shinpachi
    Wh-Wh-
[20:28] Shinpachi
    What the...?!
[20:29] Shinpachi
    Why is Tama-san here?!
[20:32] Shinpachi
    Why is Tama-san the Archfiend?!
[20:35] King
    D-Damn you!
[20:37] King
    You've assumed Lady Tama's
    appearance to confuse me!
[20:41] King
    I won't fall for such a cheap trick!
[20:53] Shinpachi
    Leukocyte King!
[20:55] King
    I-I can't control my body...
[21:00] King
    I can't get near him...
[21:05] Fiend
    As I said...
[21:07] Fiend
    The systems of this world
    are under our control.
[21:13] Fiend
    This is no disguise.
[21:15] Fiend
    This is my true form.
[21:17] Fiend
    This body now belongs to me.
[21:20] Fiend
    You are trying to fight against
[21:24] Fiend
    the person you have been protecting.
[21:28] Fiend
    As one who was created
    to protect this world,
[21:32] Fiend
    you cannot defy me.
[21:36] King
    So my body recognizes
    you as Lady Tama
[21:40] King
    and refuses to attack?
[21:44] King
    Impossible...
[21:45] King
    How could this...?
[21:48] Fiend
    As I said, it's all over.
[21:51] Fiend
    Defeating me will destroy this world.
[21:57] Fiend
    There is nothing left for you to protect.
[22:02] Fiend
    Will you still try to defeat me?
[22:05] Fiend
    Will you still try to destroy the virus even
    if it means destroying this body?
[22:13] Fiend
    Can you kill Tama?
[22:21] Fiend
    Firebane!!
SIGN    [Note: A spell from Dragon Quest.]
SIGN    [To Be Continued]
SIGN    
[24:05] Shinpachi
    We are left with no options
    as we face the
[24:08] Shinpachi
    overwhelming power of
    the Archfiend Tapir...
[24:10] Shinpachi
    Our last hope lies in those two!
[24:14] Gintoki
    The next episode...
[24:15] Gintoki
    "Tama Quest IV: And Into the Legend..."
SIGN    [Note: Parody of Dragon
    Quest III subtitle.]
[24:17] Shinpachi
    Uh, that's DQ III's subtitle.
SIGN    [Tama Quest comes to its conclusion next week!]
SIGN    [The power of the Archfiend Tapir sends everyone back to dots.]
SIGN    [See you next time.]