# E169 - The Chosen Idiots
Source: [Crunchyroll](https://www.crunchyroll.com/watch/G68VJX8D6/the-chosen-idiots)
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
***SIGN*** ["The Chosen Idiots"]
***SIGN*** [Note: Parody of Dragon Quest
IV Ch. 5 title "The Chosen."]
**[01:39] King**
That's Lady Tama's main system.
**[01:42] King**
It's already been taken over by the viruses
and converted into their stronghold.
**[01:47] King**
The brains behind the Tapir
and their extensive invasion
**[01:51] King**
dwell inside-the Archfiend Tapir.
**[01:55] King**
The progenitor of all the Tapir spreading
throughout Lady Tama's body.
**[02:00] King**
The king of the Tapir.
**[02:04] King**
We won't be able to stop the Tapir
invasion unless we destroy him.
**[02:08] King**
To return peace to this world...
**[02:11] King**
To save Lady Tama...
**[02:14] King**
We must defeat him.
**[02:22] Tama**
The Archfiend Tapir is like the
main system for the Tapir.
**[02:27] Tama**
Destroying him should render
the Tapir powerless.
**[02:31] Shinpachi**
The problem is how we're going
to reach the Archfiend Tapir.
**[02:36] Shinpachi**
As you would expect of the
enemy's main base...
**[02:38] Shinpachi**
Black bodysuits everywhere you look.
**[02:40] Kagura**
And they all look stronger than
the ones we've fought before.
**[02:44] Tama**
This is the Archfiend Tapir's territory.
**[02:47] Tama**
The place is swarming with the latest viruses
created by the Archfiend Tapir.
**[02:52] Tama**
They won't be easy to defeat like before.
**[02:54] Tama**
We'll need to come up with a plan.
**[02:56] Gintoki**
Come on now.
**[02:57] Gintoki**
Give me a break.
**[02:59] Gintoki**
Why slow down after coming this far?
**[03:02] Gintoki**
Those new viruses are just pseudo
DQ characters that spawned from
**[03:08] Gintoki**
the virus eating her DQ-crazed brain.
**[03:12] Gintoki**
Like this guy.
**[03:15] Gintoki**
We don't need a plan to
deal with these freaks.
**[03:19] Gintoki**
Just go on a rampage.
**[03:21] King**
Wait!
**[03:22] King**
Only the most foolish of fools
would suggest "rampaging"
**[03:26] King**
straight into the Archfiend
Tapir's stronghold!
**[03:27] King**
A party with you as its leader would run
out of MP before reaching the Archfiend
**[03:33] King**
and be forced to jot down a long resurrection
spell to even make it halfway there.
***SIGN*** [Note: Parody of Dragon Quest III.]
**[03:37] King**
What an idiot.
**[03:39] King**
The party would be wiped out
if we followed your orders!
**[03:43] King**
I am the hero who will save Lady Tama.
**[03:46] King**
A Jester like you should go
goof off in Luida's bar!
***SIGN*** [Note: Parody of Jester class and Luida character from Dragon Quest III.]
**[03:49] Gintoki**
Who are you calling a Jester, damn it?!
**[03:51] Gintoki**
Sure, I might goof off!
**[03:54] Gintoki**
But the son of Bianca and I will
become the Heavenly Hero!
***SIGN***
**[03:58] Gintoki**
So I'm no ordinary Jester!
**[03:59] Gintoki**
I'm the Heavenly Jester!
**[04:02] King**
It would be best to avoid combat
**[04:03] King**
before we reach the Archfiend
and conserve our health.
**[04:07] King**
Use herbs to heal.
**[04:09] Gintoki**
Hey! You listening to me, cosplay freak?!
**[04:12] King**
We'll go with a "no magic" tactic.
**[04:15] Shinpachi**
Uh, we don't have any
magic to begin with.
**[04:18] Gintoki**
How can we defeat the Archfiend
with such a conservative tactic?
**[04:22] Gintoki**
Are you an idiot?
**[04:24] Gintoki**
A stingy party led by you would
carry so many herbs
**[04:26] Gintoki**
you wouldn't be able to open
any treasure chests
**[04:29] Gintoki**
and get wiped out with full MP before
you even reach the Archfiend.
**[04:34] Gintoki**
We should all use "Firevolt"
except for Kiryl.
***SIGN*** [Note: Firevolt is a powerful spell. Kiryl is a priest from Dragon Quest IV.]
**[04:38] Shinpachi**
I've never heard of that tactic!
**[04:39] Shinpachi**
Who's Kiryl?!
**[04:41] Gintoki**
Kiryl is the Shinpachi-like character
that stupidly casts Defeat
***SIGN***
**[04:43] Gintoki**
on the Archfiend if you leave
him to his own devices.
**[04:46] Gintoki**
It's better to keep him silenced.
**[04:48] Shinpachi**
Are you trying to say I'm useless?
**[04:50] King**
You don't even know how to use
Kiryl properly? Laughable.
**[04:53] King**
It appears that you are unqualified
to lead this party.
**[04:57] Gintoki**
Shut up.
**[04:59] Gintoki**
You wanna live on a cart with
Kiryl, Borya, and Torneko?
**[05:03] Gintoki**
Wanna live a gloomy life badmouthing
the best members behind their backs?
**[05:08] Shinpachi**
There they go again.
**[05:09] Shinpachi**
The two of them are hopeless.
**[05:11] Kagura**
Tama, do something.
**[05:13] Tama**
Understood.
**[05:15] Tama**
Then we'll compromise and go with "Keep
everyone except Kiryl healed up."
**[05:20] Shinpachi**
You want Kiryl to die?!
**[05:22] Shinpachi**
Was that directed at me?!
**[05:23] Shinpachi**
Am I that useless?!
**[05:25] Gintoki**
Whatever then. We'll go with that.
**[05:29] Gintoki**
Firevolt Kiryl.
**[05:31] Shinpachi**
Why are you being mean to Kiryl?!
**[05:33] Shinpachi**
You're attacking Kiryl now!!
**[05:35] King**
Whatever then.
**[05:37] King**
I'll settle for "no Kiryl."
**[05:39] Shinpachi**
You think Kiryl's a nuisance, too?!
**[05:41] Kagura**
This will never end if we leave
it to the stupid heroes.
**[05:45] Kagura**
I'll go draw them out.
**[05:47] Kagura**
The rest of you head for the castle.
**[05:54] Shinpachi**
Kagura-chan!
**[05:55] Shinpachi**
She's the real hero here!
**[05:57] Shinpachi**
That was damn ballsy!
**[05:59] Shinpachi**
Way cooler than some
other people I know!
**[06:02] Gintoki**
Stop wasting time!
**[06:04] Gintoki**
This is our only chance!
**[06:06] Gintoki**
Let's go!
**[06:11] King**
Wait!
**[06:16] King**
The lead position is reserved
for the hero!
**[06:19] King**
I am the hero who will save Lady Tama!
**[06:24] Gintoki**
What do you think you're
doing, Mr. Cosplay Hero?
**[06:27] Gintoki**
The party will be wiped out with
a psycho like you in the lead!
**[06:31] Gintoki**
I'll do it!
***SIGN*** [Note: In Dragon Quest III a woman in Ashalam town gives a "Puff-puff" (wiggles her boobs) service.]
**[06:35] King**
A Jester should be getting
a puff-puff in Ashalam!
**[06:38] King**
I am the leader of this party!
**[06:42] Gintoki**
Don't mess with me!
***SIGN*** [Note: Main character from the first three Dragon Quest games.]
**[06:44] Gintoki**
Loto, the hero, should get lost!
**[06:45] Gintoki**
This is the age of the Heavenly Hero!
***SIGN*** [Note: Main character for Dragon Quest IV, V and VI.]
**[06:48] Shinpachi**
Hey!
**[06:49] Shinpachi**
What are the two of you doing?!
**[06:50] Shinpachi**
We don't have time for this!
**[06:52] Gintoki**
Did you just cast Defeat?!
**[06:54] Gintoki**
You just cast Defeat, didn't you?! Hey!
**[06:56] Shinpachi**
What's wrong with the two of them?
**[06:58] Shinpachi**
They have the exact same face
yet they can't get along at all.
**[07:01] Shinpachi**
Tama-san, was that person
really based on Gin-san?
**[07:05] Shinpachi**
They hate each other's guts.
**[07:07] Shinpachi**
Forget about being the strongest combo!
**[07:08] Shinpachi**
They're the worst possible combo!
**[07:10] Tama**
While cake and ramen both taste good,
**[07:13] Tama**
combining them into cake ramen
will ruin the dish,
**[07:16] Tama**
leaving you with something that
tastes absolutely horrible.
**[07:22] Tama**
I may have made a terrible
miscalculation.
**[07:26] Shinpachi**
That's a fatal error!
**[07:28] Shinpachi**
You brought the two of them together
without even thinking it through?!
**[07:32] Shinpachi**
Crap! The enemy spotted us!
**[07:34] Shinpachi**
Quick! Run away!
**[07:36] Shinpachi**
Gin-san!
**[07:36] Shinpachi**
Leukocyte King!
**[07:38] King**
Do not touch me with your
virus-infested hands!
***SIGN*** [Domestos] [Note: A toilet-bowl cleanser.]
**[07:44] ---**
Domestos!
**[07:56] Gintoki**
Is that all a hero can do?
**[08:00] Gintoki**
Forget Kandar...
***SIGN*** [Note: Boss from Dragon Quest III.]
**[08:02] Gintoki**
You can't even defeat a single slime.
***SIGN*** [Note: Slime is the weakest monster in Dragon Quest.]
**[08:08] Gintoki**
Now it's my turn!
**[08:14] Gintoki**
Take this!
***SIGN*** [Magiclean] [Note: A line of all-purpose cleaning products.]
**[08:15] ---**
Magiclean!
**[08:26] King**
Is that all you're capable of?
**[08:28] King**
Forget slimes...
**[08:31] King**
Your mother will come to wake
you up in the morning,
**[08:34] King**
and you'll already be a corpse.
**[08:37] King**
Behold the power of the hero!
***SIGN*** [Ariel] [Note: A laundry detergent.]
**[08:44] Gintoki**
Can't touch me!
***SIGN*** [Charmy Green] [Note: A dishwashing detergent.]
**[08:48] King**
Not yet...
***SIGN*** [Febreze] [Note: An odor eliminator.]
**[08:49] King**
Not yet!
**[08:50] Gintoki**
What?!
***SIGN*** [Family Fresh] [Note: A dishwashing detergent.]
**[08:52] King**
What are you trying to hit?!
***SIGN*** [Dove] [Note: Refers to Dove brand soap.]
**[08:54] Gintoki**
Now for the finish!
***SIGN*** [Mama Lemon] [Note: A dishwashing detergent.]
**[09:01] Shinpachi**
What are they doing?!
**[09:03] Shinpachi**
This is crazy!
**[09:05] Tama**
No, look.
**[09:07] Tama**
The army of viruses are being
wiped out by their fighting.
**[09:11] Tama**
I didn't make a mistake.
**[09:14] Tama**
Those two are the strongest...
**[09:19] Shinpachi**
That's...
**[09:21] Shinpachi**
Their attacks are melding...
**[09:23] Shinpachi**
This is...
**[09:25] Shinpachi**
That light is...
***SIGN***
**[09:41] Gengai**
Hey now.
**[09:44] Gengai**
Are those guys okay?
**[09:59] Shinpachi**
Who's the strongest duo again?
**[10:02] Shinpachi**
Those two are obviously
**[10:04] Shinpachi**
not meant to be mixed together.
***SIGN*** [Note: Parody of warning label on detergents.]
**[10:11] Kagura**
It was a mistake to pair them together.
**[10:14] Kagura**
You know how they say you'll die
if you run into your doppelganger.
**[10:19] Kagura**
At this rate, they'll get
the rest of us killed.
**[10:22] Tama**
But they were able to do significant
damage to the virus army
**[10:26] Tama**
and we have managed
to infiltrate the castle.
**[10:29] Tama**
It's as I planned.
**[10:31] Shinpachi**
Liar!
**[10:32] Shinpachi**
This is like reaching the boss with
your HP and MP in single digits!
**[10:35] Shinpachi**
The window is all red!
**[10:37] Shinpachi**
What are we supposed to do?!
**[10:38] King**
Don't worry.
**[10:41] King**
Many of the recent final bosses,
right before the final battle...
**[10:45] Last Boss**
Show me everything you've got.
**[10:47] Last Boss**
I'll kill you slowly.
**[10:50] King**
...say stuff like that.
**[10:51] King**
Often restoring all your HP and MP.
**[10:55] King**
We'll count on that.
**[10:57] Shinpachi**
Why are you depending
on the final boss?!
**[11:01] Shinpachi**
Just to be clear, this isn't a game.
**[11:04] Shinpachi**
There aren't any save points
or resurrection spells.
**[11:06] Shinpachi**
Die once and it's over.
**[11:08] Shinpachi**
Could you please stop fighting?
**[11:11] Shinpachi**
This isn't the time to be
hurting one another.
**[11:25] King**
Are you scared of dying?
**[11:27] King**
Go ahead and turn tail and go home.
**[11:29] King**
As I said in the beginning,
**[11:32] King**
I can handle this myself.
**[11:39] Kagura**
Hey!
**[11:41] Kagura**
Why do you have to be so abrasive?
**[11:47] Kagura**
Gin-chan and you...
**[11:49] Kagura**
No, we're all the same.
**[11:53] Kagura**
It isn't just your appearance.
**[11:54] Kagura**
All of us have been protecting Tama
on the outside and the inside.
**[11:58] Kagura**
Why do you refuse to cooperate?
**[12:00] Kagura**
Don't you care if Tama breaks down?!
**[12:04] King**
That's why I'm telling you to leave!
**[12:12] King**
You all came here to save Lady Tama.
**[12:16] King**
I know you all care deeply
for Lady Tama.
**[12:20] King**
But because you feel that way...
**[12:23] King**
Because you are willing to
risk your lives for a robot,
**[12:27] King**
it means there are also other things
**[12:31] King**
you strive to protect.
**[12:37] King**
Things and people on the outside...
**[12:47] King**
I'm different.
**[12:50] King**
I was made for the sole purpose
of protecting Lady Tama.
**[12:54] King**
I live to protect Lady Tama.
**[13:00] King**
I don't care about what happens
to anyone besides Lady Tama.
**[13:04] King**
I have no interest in anyone
but Lady Tama.
**[13:21] Shinpachi**
Looks like you're interested in something
else besides Lady Tama!
**[13:23] Kagura**
Why are you getting greedy and falling
for such a cheap booby trap?
**[13:29] King**
D-Do you understand now?
**[13:31] King**
I'll have no trouble protecting
Lady Tama by myself.
**[13:34] Shinpachi**
It sure doesn't look that way.
**[13:36] Shinpachi**
You look hopelessly unreliable!
**[13:38] ---**
Idiot!
**[13:40] King**
I-I've been through more ordeals
than the lot of you.
**[13:44] Shinpachi**
Your whole life must have
been an ordeal.
**[13:46] Shinpachi**
It doesn't matter how many lives you have
if you keep falling for these cheap traps.
**[13:50] King**
Leave if you understand!
**[13:52] Shinpachi**
Uh, then let go of me.
**[13:54] Shinpachi**
You've got one heck of an iron grip.
**[13:56] King**
Leave after you've dealt with this!
**[13:59] King**
Damn nuisances!
**[14:01] King**
I am the only hero needed
to protect Lady Tama!
**[14:06] Tama**
Isn't he just like you?
**[14:09] Tama**
He has difficulty expressing himself...
**[14:12] Tama**
He's antagonistic...
**[14:14] Tama**
He's all based on you.
**[14:19] Gintoki**
You see me as such a
shameless person?
**[14:24] Tama**
As I observed you and collected data,
**[14:28] Tama**
he evolved into someone
more human than I was.
**[14:33] Tama**
That is why I could not stand by
**[14:36] Tama**
and watch him die alone.
**[14:41] Tama**
You should be able to understand...
**[14:43] Tama**
Why he keeps telling you to
leave so he can go alone...
**[14:50] Tama**
Why he acts so hostile...
**[14:53] Gintoki**
Did you bring the two of us together so...
**[14:59] Gintoki**
Hey! Your body's...
**[15:02] Tama**
It appears... that the... Tapir...
have reached...
**[15:05] Tama**
the backup system... that
created this copy...
**[15:09] Tama**
There is... no time...
**[15:12] Tama**
Will you... listen... to my... final request?
**[15:18] Tama**
It will... probably be... impossible
to... recover my... system...
**[15:26] Tama**
The Tapir... are already... deep... inside...
**[15:36] Tama**
At this... rate...
**[15:41] Tama**
he won't... be able... to survive...
**[15:45] Tama**
Forget... about... me...
**[15:53] Tama**
At least try... to free... him...
from this... place...
**[16:01] Tama**
My fr...d... who has... protected
me... for so... long...
**[16:10] Tama**
Protect... my oth...r... friend...
**[16:35] Gintoki**
Tama...
**[16:37] Gintoki**
Sorry, but I can't honor your request.
**[16:41] Gintoki**
If he really is my clone,
**[16:45] Gintoki**
he would never want that.
**[16:50] Gintoki**
And I won't let anybody die.
**[16:55] Gintoki**
Not your friends
**[16:57] Gintoki**
and not mine.
**[17:12] Man**
Listen up!
**[17:14] Man**
Do not let a single rat
into the throne room!
**[17:18] Man**
The system of this world will soon
fall into our Tapir hands!
**[17:23] Man**
Until then, we must protect
the Archfiend Tapir!
**[17:27] Man**
Victory is within sight!
**[17:29] Man**
Now go forth!
**[17:34] Man**
Wh-What?!
**[17:36] Man**
That wasn't what I meant
when I said "go"!
**[17:39] Man**
I didn't mean for you to go and die!
**[17:41] Man**
Hey! Come back, guys!
**[17:43] Gintoki**
Yo.
**[17:47] Gintoki**
I've always wanted to ask something.
**[17:49] Gintoki**
How does the Archfiend feel when
a level 99 Hero comes for him?
**[17:58] Gintoki**
Does he feel like turning
tail and running?
**[18:02] Gintoki**
Or does he try leveling himself up?
**[18:06] King**
If that's the case, I would recommend
the Capillary Caves to the west.
**[18:11] King**
There's a high chance you'll run
into Liquid Metal Slimes viruses.
***SIGN*** [Note: A Dragon Quest monster.]
**[18:14] King**
In the end, it doesn't matter
how many levels you gain.
**[18:21] King**
'Cause when you multiply 99 by
2, you get a level 198 Hero.
**[18:29] King**
Except I'm level 100.
**[18:31] Gintoki**
I'm actually level 101.
**[18:33] King**
No, I'm actually level 103.
**[18:38] Fiend**
This world has already fallen under
the absolute control of the Tapir.
**[18:45] Fiend**
You cannot change anything.
**[18:49] Fiend**
It's all over.
**[18:51] Fiend**
Can you not comprehend that?
**[19:01] King**
It's not over.
**[19:03] King**
One last security measure remains.
**[19:06] King**
As long as I, the Leukocyte
King, am still here,
**[19:10] King**
this world will continue to exist after all
the systems have been knocked out!
**[19:15] King**
I will protect Lady Tama!
**[19:21] Fiend**
You truly believe you can defeat
me and save this world?
**[19:30] Fiend**
Leukocyte King...
**[19:32] Fiend**
No matter how many heroes you bring from
other worlds, you are powerless against me.
**[19:39] Fiend**
I guarantee it.
**[19:41] Fiend**
You cannot defeat me.
**[19:45] Fiend**
You cannot even harm me,
let alone defeat me!
**[19:53] Fiend**
Because you have fought to protect
this world for so long...
**[20:00] ---**
Because you love this world
more than anyone else...
**[20:05] Fiend**
You cannot defeat me.
**[20:15] Shinpachi**
Th-That's...
**[20:18] King**
I-Impossible...
**[20:21] King**
It's...
**[20:23] King**
Lady Tama!
**[20:26] Shinpachi**
Wh-Wh-
**[20:28] Shinpachi**
What the...?!
**[20:29] Shinpachi**
Why is Tama-san here?!
**[20:32] Shinpachi**
Why is Tama-san the Archfiend?!
**[20:35] King**
D-Damn you!
**[20:37] King**
You've assumed Lady Tama's
appearance to confuse me!
**[20:41] King**
I won't fall for such a cheap trick!
**[20:53] Shinpachi**
Leukocyte King!
**[20:55] King**
I-I can't control my body...
**[21:00] King**
I can't get near him...
**[21:05] Fiend**
As I said...
**[21:07] Fiend**
The systems of this world
are under our control.
**[21:13] Fiend**
This is no disguise.
**[21:15] Fiend**
This is my true form.
**[21:17] Fiend**
This body now belongs to me.
**[21:20] Fiend**
You are trying to fight against
**[21:24] Fiend**
the person you have been protecting.
**[21:28] Fiend**
As one who was created
to protect this world,
**[21:32] Fiend**
you cannot defy me.
**[21:36] King**
So my body recognizes
you as Lady Tama
**[21:40] King**
and refuses to attack?
**[21:44] King**
Impossible...
**[21:45] King**
How could this...?
**[21:48] Fiend**
As I said, it's all over.
**[21:51] Fiend**
Defeating me will destroy this world.
**[21:57] Fiend**
There is nothing left for you to protect.
**[22:02] Fiend**
Will you still try to defeat me?
**[22:05] Fiend**
Will you still try to destroy the virus even
if it means destroying this body?
**[22:13] Fiend**
Can you kill Tama?
**[22:21] Fiend**
Firebane!!
***SIGN*** [Note: A spell from Dragon Quest.]
***SIGN*** [To Be Continued]
***SIGN***
**[24:05] Shinpachi**
We are left with no options
as we face the
**[24:08] Shinpachi**
overwhelming power of
the Archfiend Tapir...
**[24:10] Shinpachi**
Our last hope lies in those two!
**[24:14] Gintoki**
The next episode...
**[24:15] Gintoki**
"Tama Quest IV: And Into the Legend..."
***SIGN*** [Note: Parody of Dragon
Quest III subtitle.]
**[24:17] Shinpachi**
Uh, that's DQ III's subtitle.
***SIGN*** [Tama Quest comes to its conclusion next week!]
***SIGN*** [The power of the Archfiend Tapir sends everyone back to dots.]
***SIGN*** [See you next time.]