E4 - Watch Out! Weekly Shonen Jump Sometimes Comes Out on Saturdays!

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:01] Shinpachi (Mono)
    The land of the samurai.
[00:03] Shinpachi (Mono)
    There was a time, long ago, when our country was called by that name.
[00:07] Shinpachi (Mono)
    With the arrival of the "Amanto" from outer space
[00:10] Shinpachi (Mono)
    and the Sword Ban twenty years ago,
[00:12] Shinpachi (Mono)
    the samurai class fell into decline.
[00:15] Shinpachi (Mono)
    In such hard times, there was one man left with the spirit of the samurai.
[00:19] Shinpachi (Mono)
    His name is Gintoki Sakata,
[00:22] Shinpachi (Mono)
    a reckless Jack of All Trades with a sweet tooth.
[00:25] Shinpachi (Mono)
    Due to some rather unexpected events, I, Shinpachi Shimura, ended up working here.
[00:29] Shinpachi (Mono)
    What sort of soul does this guy have?
[00:32] Shinpachi (Mono)
    It's very difficult to tell. I think it's dim but it's definitely shining.
[02:22] Otose
    Hey! Gintoki!
[02:24] Otose
    Stop making excuses and pay off your entire rent!
[02:29] Gintoki
    I fixed your VCR, remember? That oughta be enough to square us!
SIGN    [Odd Jobs Gin]
SIGN    [Otose Snack House]
[02:33] Otose
    Not even close! You owe me for five months!
[02:36] Otose
    And the VCR broke again, so I missed an episode of Onihei Crime Story!
[02:40] Gintoki
    You idiot, don't give up.
[02:41] Gintoki
    They'll show it again!
[02:43] Otose
    Just shut your yap and give me the rent like I asked, you naturally wavy-haired oaf!
[02:48] Gintoki
    What?!
[02:49] Gintoki
    You don't understand the suffering that people with naturally wavy hair have to go through!
[02:51] Otose
    How would I know, moron?!
[02:53] Otose
    If you don't have any money,
[02:54] Shinpachi
    They're at it again?
[02:55] Otose
    then sell your liver or the family jewels or something, you loser!
[02:56] Shinpachi (Mono)
    I wonder if it's a good idea to continue to following this man...
[02:58] Gintoki
    Shut up about the rent, you dirty old hag!
[03:00] Otose
    You're borrowing money from this dirty old hag. So what does that make you?!
[03:01] Shinpachi
    Hold on, you two. Cut it out...
[03:19] Shinpachi (Mono)
    It's been worrying me lately.
SIGN    ["Watch Out! Weekly Shonen JUMP Sometimes Comes Out on Saturdays!"]
[03:36] Boss B
    Hey, Inoue, you've been pretty bold lately, haven't you?
[03:42] Boss A
    Well, I'd like to be bolder, but there are a lot of noisy folks...
[03:50] Boss B
    Listen. I've got something for you if you slack off on your responsibilities.
[03:57] Boss B
    Hold back a little. I'm warning you.
[04:01] Boss A
    I don't understand. What exactly are you saying you got for me?
[04:06] Boss B
    Know your place, you punch-premed bastard.
[04:10] Boss B
    Do you know what kind of situation you're in?
[04:14] Boss A
    I don't expect someone with a crew-cut to know the joys of a punch-perm.
[04:18] Boss A
    You dopes with the crew cuts should walk on the side of the road.
[04:22] Boss A
    Then maybe you wouldn't get hurt!
[04:26] Boss B
    You bastard! You got a problem with crew-cuts?!
[04:29] Boss A
    Take care of it, master.
[04:38] Boss A
    You're all dead.
[05:00] Officer A
    What they did was pretty bold.
[05:04] Yashichi
    Yeah.
[05:05] Yachichi
    I don't care what happens to a bunch of hoods.
[05:09] Yachichi
    But I wonder who crushed them like that.
[05:21] Gintoki
    Oh crap! JUMP comes out today!
[05:25] Gintoki
    I forgot, this week JUMP comes out on Saturday.
[05:28] Gintoki
    Should we turn back?!
[05:29] Shinpachi
    No, forget it. We've already got the groceries to make sukiyaki.
[05:32] Gintoki
    This might be a good chance to give it up.
[05:36] Gintoki
    Reading JUMP at my age...
[05:41] Gintoki
    But men are always boys at heart until they die.
[05:44] Shinpachi
    Please keep your embarrassing emotional problems to yourself, okay?
[05:48] Gintoki
    Look out!
[05:58] Shinpachi
    You hit her! What're you gonna do about this!
[06:01] Shinpachi
    You weren't even looking.
[06:03] Gintoki
    D-D-Don't get worked up.
[06:05] Gintoki
    Ch-Ch-Chill out and help me find a t-t-t-t-time-time machine.
[06:07] Shinpachi
    You chill out!
[06:09] Gintoki
    It should be okay, you know.
[06:11] Gintoki
    Wake up TV's astrology segment said I'd be lucky this weekend.
[06:16] Gintoki
    I'm sure that she's miraculously unharmed.
[06:20] Gintoki
    Hey, young lady...
[06:23] Gintoki
    Freakin' Wake-up TV!
[06:25] Gintoki
    Liars! I'm never gonna watch your stupid show again. Damn it!
[06:28] Gintoki
    But the weather lady sure is pretty hot.
[06:31] Gintoki
    Hey, how is she?
[06:34] Shinpachi
    Not even twitching.
[06:36] Gintoki
    Crap! Gotta get her to a doctor.
[06:42] Shinpachi
    Hey, what?!
[07:14] Kagura
    You guys stupid or what?
[07:16] Kagura
    I'm not going to die just from getting hit by scooter!
[07:19] Kagura
    This scar's from getting shot by those guys.
[07:21] Kagura
    Already closed up...see.
[07:23] Gintoki
    What, do you eat glue with your meals or something?
[07:26] Gintoki
    Whatever. You seem all right, so we'll be on our way.
[07:30] Gintoki
    Get well soon.
[07:34] Gintoki
    Huh? Shinpachi, did you put on some weight?!
[07:37] Kagura
    How could a grown-up abandon a girl who's being hunted by the yakuza?
[07:41] Gintoki
    Because, I'm still a boy at heart.
[07:44] Gintoki
    Besides, in this country we don't call people who can stop a scooter with one hand "girls".
[07:49] Gintoki
    We call them mountain gorillas.
[07:52] Member A
    Hey! There they are!
[07:53] Member A
    Over heeeere--!
[07:56] Gintoki
    This is bad!
[07:57] Shinpachi
    Hold on! Who are they?!
[07:59] Shinpachi
    Demented Yakuza?
[08:00] Kagura
    What? "Fermented"?
[08:03] Member B
    Wait!
[08:08] Gintoki
    Hey! Who are you?! What did you do with your super strength?
[08:14] Kagura
    I...
[08:17] Kagura
    I came here from a distant planet.
[08:20] Kagura
    I heard that I could make money if I came to Edo.
[08:24] Kagura
    My family is real poor.
SIGN    [Rustle]
[08:27] Kagura
    Furikake seasoning on rice, three meals a day.
[08:31] Kagura
    I'd like to at least be able to eat raw egg and soy sauce on rice three meals a day.
[08:35] Shinpachi
    That's not much better.
[08:37] Kagura
    That's when
[08:39] Kagura
    they made me an offer.
SIGN    [Chazuke]
[08:47] Boss A
    Care to change your life with mine?
[08:51] Boss A
    If you do, you'll get sake chazuke three times a day.
[08:56] Kagura
    I heard that and jumped on it.
[08:58] Shinpachi
    Why?! Shouldn't you eat three different kinds of meals a day?
[09:05] Kagura
    I'm sturdy compared to earthlings.
[09:09] Kagura
    I took their offer.
[09:12] Kagura
    I ate sake chazuke every day. I was so happy.
SIGN    [Soba Shop]
SIGN    [Soba]
[09:23] Kagura
    But lately, my jobs went up the escalator.
[09:26] Shinpachi
    You mean "escalated."
[09:27] Kagura
    Finally, they told me to get someone's silver balls.
[09:32] Shinpachi
    Not "silver balls," just "balls."
[09:36] Kagura
    I can't take it anymore. Edo is a very scary place.
[09:39] Kagura
    I want to go home.
[09:41] Gintoki
    Boy, are you dumb.
[09:44] Gintoki
    In this country, you can't trust guys with perms and girls in red.
[09:50] Gintoki
    You got yourself into that world. You need to get yourself out.
[09:56] Shinpachi
    Hey, wait.
[09:57] Gintoki
    I wonder if JUMP is still on sale.
[10:03] Shinpachi
    It's all right. Things will work out.
[10:07] Shinpachi
    You want to go home, don't you?
[10:09] Shinpachi
    I'll help you.
[10:11] Kagura
    You?
[10:13] Shinpachi
    I may not look it, but I'm a jack-of-all-trades.
[10:15] Shinpachi
    I'm used to situations like this.
[10:18] Kagura
    A jack-of-all-trades?
[10:19] Shinpachi
    I'll do anything you ask. Simply put, I'm a handyman.
[10:27] Shinpachi
    If you want to leave Earth, you first have to go to a terminal.
[10:30] Shinpachi
    So, let's go!
[10:34] Boss A
    You guys idiots or what?! How can it be so hard bringing back one girl?!
[10:39] Boss A
    You call yourselves gangsters?
[10:41] Boss A
    Do you think that's fitting for someone with a perm?!
[10:44] Member C
    But Boss, we're up against a Yato.
[10:48] Member C
    Even all of us together are no match for...
[10:51] Boss A
    What are you, retarded?!
[10:53] Boss A
    That's why we need her!
[10:55] Boss A
    If we use that monster girl, the Punch Perm Mob can become number one!
[11:04] Boss A
    She either works for me or she's dead to me.
[11:10] Boss A
    Kill her.
[11:12] Boss A
    She'll become a serious threat if she joins a different gang.
[11:16] Boss A
    It's better to get rid of large useless tools.
[11:27] Shinpachi
    Ready? Let's go!
[11:32] Member C
    Hey, there she is!
[11:34] Member C
    Over there!
[11:35] Shinpachi
    They're quick! They found us really fast!
[11:38] Kagura
    You're a useless four-eyes. That's why I said I wanted a helicopter.
[11:42] Shinpachi
    A helicopter?!
[11:43] Shinpachi
    You're the one who said that we could outsmart them by going in the front!
[11:50] Member C
    Wait!
[11:53] Gintoki
    Umm... Do you have JUMP?
[11:56] Woman
    We sold out.
[11:58] Gintoki
    I see...
SIGN    [Matsuya]
[12:04] Kagura
    Do you finally feel like using a helicopter?
[12:07] Shinpachi
    Well, we don't have that kind of money.
[12:10] Kagura
    Ah! You weren't kidding.
[12:13] Kagura
    Hey, over here!
SIGN    [Oedo Bookstore]
SIGN    [Newest Issues]
[12:29] Gintoki
    Excuse me, do you have JUMP?
[12:31] Man
    I have Akamaru.
[12:33] Gintoki
    Akamaru JUMP?
[12:41] Kagura
    This stinks!
[12:43] Shinpachi
    Now's not the time for that. Deal with it!
[12:45] Shinpachi
    This is bad!
[12:47] Kagura
    This stinks!
[12:49] Gintoki
    JUMP...
SIGN    [Oedo Mart]
[12:54] Gintoki
    JUMP...JUMP...J-J-J...
[13:01] Gintoki
    JUMP...
[13:06] Gintoki
    JUMP!
[13:10] Man A
    Lucky me.
[13:20] Shinpachi
    They really are persistent. How long do they plan on following us?
[13:25] Kagura
    How did you plan on helping me when you can't even get a helicopter?
[13:30] Shinpachi
    That's impossible. Even an RC helicopter would be impossible.
[13:33] Kagura
    Don't make excuses. Get us a helicopter, you good-for-nothing.
[13:37] Shinpachi
    You're getting mad at me?! I'm helping you. How can you say that?
[13:42] Kagura
    You're in the way! Don't get cocky!
[13:44] Kagura
    If you don't have money, then give me some ideas!
[13:46] Shinpachi
    What's with that?! Your absurd demands were the cause of all this!
[13:59] Member A
    Damn it. Where the hell did they go?
[14:01] Member B
    They couldn't have gotten far.
[14:07] Member A
    All right, that way!
SIGN    [Kabukicho]
[14:19] Shinpachi
    We managed to get this far. Any sign of the perm boys anywhere?
[14:23] Kagura
    None. It's all right.
[14:26] Shinpachi
    If you catch the train here, you'll go straight to the terminal.
[14:29] Shinpachi
    You can go home.
[14:31] Shinpachi
    Gin really is heartless.
[14:34] Shinpachi
    Looking for JUMP at a time like this.
[14:36] Kagura
    It doesn't bother me.
[14:39] Kagura
    Everyone in Edo is like that.
[14:42] Kagura
    They're somewhat cold and indifferent towards people.
[14:45] Kagura
    That's a smart way to live. Busybodies like you are dopes.
[14:55] Kagura
    In the end, idiots just end up being used.
[15:01] Kagura
    But I'd rather be a dope.
[15:04] Kagura
    I really hate you, though.
[15:06] Shinpachi
    Huh?
[15:07] Shinpachi
    It sounded like you just said something nasty with perfect grammar!
[15:10] Kagura
    I hate dorks with glasses.
[15:12] Shinpachi
    Hey! Your personality's different!
[15:15] Shinpachi
    What's with that?!
[15:17] Shinpachi
    I can't do this anymore!
[15:18] Kagura
    Huh?
[15:19] Shinpachi
    What's wrong?
[15:24] Kagura
    I are stuck.
[15:28] Shinpachi
    No way! Me, too. Oh no! I think I'm gonna cry!
[15:33] Shinpachi
    The train's leaving! All right, then. Let's roll!
[15:41] Boss A
    Hey, that's not good... Running onto a train is dangerous.
[15:45] Boss A
    Too bad, Kagura. You almost got away.
[15:49] Kagura
    Inoue!
[15:51] Boss A
    It's terrible of you to run away without saying goodbye. After I treated you so well.
[15:57] Boss A
    What happened to your money problems?
[15:59] Boss A
    Are you all right? You wanna go back to a furikake-on-rice lifestyle?
[16:04] Kagura
    I'm sick of hurting people for money! Nothing tastes good this way!
[16:09] Kagura
    Even furikake seasoning on rice tastes good after hard, honest work!
[16:13] Boss A
    That's funny coming from you. Fighting's the only thing you can do.
[16:17] Boss A
    Isn't that right, Yato clan?
[16:19] Shinpachi
    Yato clan?
[16:20] Boss A
    Oh, my. You helped her and didn't even know that?
[16:25] Boss A
    You've heard of them before, haven't you?
[16:28] Boss A
    The Yato, the mightiest and nastiest of all the mercenary races.
[16:32] Boss A
    They don't look all that different from humans, but they boast phenomenal strength.
[16:37] Boss A
    They've destroyed countless planets.
[16:39] Boss A
    They're a warrior race that loves to fight.
[16:43] Boss A
    It seems like you were hiding it,
[16:45] Boss A
    but the proof is your translucent skin and that umbrella you carry.
[16:49] Boss A
    The Yato hate sunlight, so they always have their umbrella.
[16:54] Boss A
    Hey, Kagura!
[16:55] Boss A
    You've covered your instincts with a paper-thin layer of morals,
[16:59] Boss A
    but you looked like you were enjoying yourself when you were fighting.
[17:02] Boss A
    Deep down you for thirst blood. That's your true nature, Kagura.
[17:06] Kagura
    You're wrong! I...
[17:08] Kagura
    I...
[17:10] Kagura (Mono)
    I've traveled around the world and have come to Edo to reinvent myself.
[17:15] Boss A
    I ask you again, Kagura. There's this bad guy who's picking on us.
[17:21] Kagura
    Is he really a bad guy?
[17:23] Boss A
    Yeah, yeah!
[17:25] Kagura
    I guess I have to.
[17:27] Kagura
    That's why... That's why I was so foolish.
[17:34] Kagura
    Chazuke is the best!
[17:38] Kagura (Mono)
    I believed your words.
[17:41] Kagura
    I...
[17:47] Boss A
    You're useless to me if you're not gonna fight.
[17:50] Boss A
    Ciao!
[17:52] Shinpachi
    H-Hold on a second! Hey! Station staff!
[17:58] Shinpachi
    Oh, no way!
[17:59] Shinpachi
    The set-up is right out of manga!
SIGN    
[18:13] Gorilla (Mono)
    Dreams are like trees.
SIGN    [Me]
[18:16] Gorilla (Mono)
    It's more fun to climb them than to watch them.
[18:22] Gorilla (Mono)
    And there are things you learn when you actually climb them.
[18:26] Gorilla (Mono)
    I sweat a lot.
SIGN    [Voice: Hideaki Sorachi]
SIGN    
[18:32] Gorilla
    Fountain pens are crap!
[18:35] Gorilla
    And it's a pain drawing backgrounds, too!
[18:38] Gorilla
    Man! It sure is a pain to draw manga.
[18:41] Gorilla
    Come to think of it, just living is pain too.
[18:45] Gorilla
    I want to become a cheesecake.
SIGN    [Voice: Hideaki Sorachi]
[18:55] Shinpachi
    Oh, no way! The set-up is right out of manga!
[19:07] Gintoki
    Nothing but the frigging trouble!
[19:10] Shinpachi
    Gin!
[19:12] Gintoki
    Both of you, you'd better suck it up!
[19:14] Shinpachi
    Huh? H-Hold on!
[19:18] Shinpachi
    Hold on a second!
[19:20] Gintoki
    Go!
[19:31] Boss A
    Wh-What's this?
[19:33] Member A
    What happened?!
[19:35] Kagura
    I like to fight.
[19:40] Kagura
    That is a Yato's true nature. I won't deny it.
[19:44] Kagura
    But, from now on, I want to fight against that nature.
[19:51] Kagura
    I'm going to fight so I can change!
[19:54] Boss A
    Y-You idiot!
[19:57] Boss A
    All of you! Get 'em!
[19:59] Boss A
    Huh?
[20:00] Member A
    I can't do this anymore!
[20:01] Member A
    Get 'em yourself, you bad punch-permed bastard!
[20:04] Boss A
    Oh, hey!
[20:05] Kagura
    Inoue!
[20:06] Boss A
    Wh-Wh-What is it?!
[20:08] Kagura
    Do you remember the first thing you told me?
[20:17] Boss A
    Care to change your life with mine?
[20:24] Boss A
    Did I say something?
[20:29] Kagura
    Inoue.
[20:30] Kagura
    There's something I've wanted to say to you.
[20:33] Kagura
    That afro isn't a good look for you at all!
[20:36] Boss A
    This is a punch perm!
[20:39] Kagura
    Who cares!
SIGN    [Weekly Shonen JUMP]
[20:52] Gintoki
    There's one!
[20:57] Kagura
    If you were gonna help us, then you should have come with us from the beginning.
[21:00] Kagura
    I don't understand you. Are you a shy boy?
[21:04] Gintoki
    I didn't exactly come to help you.
[21:07] Gintoki
    I was looking for a JUMP, and I just happened to come to the station.
[21:11] Shinpachi
    Our lives aren't even worth 230 yen?
[21:16] Gintoki
    The train's here. Get on quick and don't come back, nightmare girl!
[21:22] Kagura
    Yeah. I'd really like to do that,
[21:25] Kagura
    but when I think about it, I don't have any money to pay my way home.
[21:29] Kagura
    So, I'm going to stay here a little longer and save some money.
[21:32] Kagura
    So, let me work for you.
[21:37] Gintoki
    Y-You've got to be kidding!
[21:39] Gintoki
    Why would I hire a girl as violent as you?!
[21:42] Kagura
    Did you say something?
[21:44] Kagura
    Not a word.
[21:47] Shinpachi (Mono)
    So, our work got livelier yet again.
SIGN    [Snack House Otose]
[21:56] Kagura
    Extra helpings?
[21:58] Otose
    How many bowls do you think you've had? This isn't a restaurant!
[22:04] Otose
    This is a place that serves drinks and healthy eroticism...
[22:08] Otose
    It's a snack shop. A haven for old men!
[22:11] Otose
    If you want to eat, go to a family restaurant and order a kid's meal!
[22:16] Kagura
    I have no interest in fancy food. Pickles are fine.
[22:20] Otose
    You've sure got simple taste for such a pig!!
[22:22] Otose
    Hold up, Gintoki! What's with this girl?
[22:25] Otose
    She's already had five bowls!
[22:27] Otose
    Where's she from?!
[22:29] Shinpachi
    Five, huh? She's still got a lot more to go.
[22:32] Gintoki
    All we've got left at home is sugar and salt now.
[22:36] Otose
    What's with them? They're so emaciated.
[22:44] Otose
    Hey! You're still eating?!
[22:47] Otose
    Somebody stop her!
SIGN    
[24:25] Shinpachi
    We're mistaken for terrorists and are chased by the Shinsengumi.
[24:29] Shinpachi
    But Gin's friend, Katsura, helps us out.
[24:32] Gintoki
    Hey, Zura, it's been a while.
[24:35] Shinpachi
    The next episode...
[24:35] Shinpachi
    "Make Friends You Can Call by Their Nicknames, Even When You're an Old Fart"
SIGN    [These are the Chinese characters for Shinsengumi. Please don't screw them up.]
SIGN    [It may seem a bit packed together, but ignore that.]
[24:50] Gintoki
    Umm... Do you have JUMP?
[24:53] Woman
    We have Sunday.