E130 - Cat Lovers and Dog Lovers Are Mutually Exclusive

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    [A request from Kintaro, woof!]
SIGN    [Please turn on the light and keep your distance away from the television when watching the show, woof!]
[01:29] Katsura
    Take care of the rest, Leader!
[01:32] ---
    I have discovered Bushido in a death surrounded by cuddly balls of flesh!
SIGN    ["Cat Lovers and Dog Lovers Are Mutually Exclusive."]
[01:43] Kintaro
    What's he doing?!
[01:44] ---
    He's not stopping a thing!
[01:46] Kagura
    Guess we have no choice, then.
[01:49] Kagura
    You'll just have to be the bait.
[01:51] ---
    In the meantime, I'll rush over to the old man!
[01:53] Kintaro
    What good will that do?!
[01:55] ---
    The deal was to let me meet with the old man!
[01:58] Gerou
    Finally got you, Planet Eater!
[02:00] Kintaro
    You're...the Puke Shogun!
[02:03] Gerou
    I pursued you, inhabited the body of a stray cat, and lived in trash bins for years!
[02:07] ---
    By exterminating your kind, we will be released from these bodies!
[02:13] Kintaro
    Let go!
[02:14] Gerou
    The curse of the balls of flesh will be broken today!
[02:23] Kintaro
    I cannot die. I cannot...die yet!
[02:29] Omittedgerou
    It was karma that made you inhabit a smelly dog!
[02:33] ---
    It's useless to resist!
[02:35] ---
    Resign yourself and die!
[02:38] Kintaro
    Don't take me lightly, Puke Shogun!
[02:40] Kintaro
    Get a taste of this ultimate technique, which I perfected over these past eighteen years!
[02:44] Kintaro
    Candlelight Last Sparking!
[02:54] Kagura
    Looked like an ordinary flip to me.
[02:55] Kintaro
    It's the Candlelight Last Sparking!
[02:58] Kintaro
    Never thought it would come in handy.
[03:04] Katsura
    This may seem like a strange question...
[03:06] ---
    but did a large dog, a little dog, and a little leader pass by?
[03:10] Nurse
    I don't know. What do you mean by little leader?
[03:13] Katsura
    Small in stature, but big in ability.
[03:16] ---
    So I guess I should say, big leader.
[03:18] Nurse
    Well, I don't know.
[03:20] Katsura
    Strange. Maybe the leader isn't here yet.
[03:23] ---
    A bizarre bunch like that would attract lots of attention.
[03:26] Nurse
    You're bizarre, too.
[03:28] Katsura
    Could they have been caught by the balls of flesh?
[03:30] Ichiro
    Hey, did you find him, Jiro?
[03:32] Jiro
    Nope.
[03:33] Ichiro
    Saburo, you should have kept an eye on him!
[03:36] Saburo
    Who'd think someone so sick could get up?!
[03:39] Jiro
    Damn it! Where the hell would he have gone in that condition?
[03:44] ---
    Could it be...
[03:45] Jiro
    that he has gone to find Kintaro?!
[03:46] Ichiro
    That's impossible... Not in that condition.
[03:52] Gintoki
    'Scuse me. Someone called me.
[03:55] Ichiro
    Oh, there he is.
[03:56] Ichiro
    Mr. Odd Jobs!
[03:57] Gintoki
    Hey there.
[03:58] Saburo
    Sorry, but we have a problem.
[04:03] Gintoki
    Huh? The master of a parasitic alien?
[04:06] Katsura
    Yeah.
[04:07] Katsura
    Actually, the leader and I were attempting to get the alien and the master together.
[04:12] Katsura
    Hey, let me ride!
[04:13] Gintoki
    Got yourself involved in another messy situation, eh?
[04:16] Katsura
    I heard he was on his deathbed and never imagined he would leave the hospital.
[04:20] ---
    Say, let me ride! Just move the doll.
[04:23] Gintoki
    No way. This is Kagura's stand-in, Suzanne.
[04:26] Katsura
    Oh hello, I'm Katsura.
[04:28] Shinpachi
    And where's Kagura?
[04:29] Katsura
    Oh right! The leader's being pursued by a parasitic alien and is in danger.
[04:35] Gintoki
    What?! Is that true?
[04:36] Katsura
    You seem to have your hands full, but will you help?
[04:39] Gintoki
    All right! Let's split up members.
[04:44] Shinpachi
    All right, please take care of the rest!
[04:52] Katsura
    I'm counting on you, Suzanne.
[04:53] Katsura (High Pitch)
    Don't be a burden now.
[05:04] Kagura
    There are cats everywhere.
[05:06] Kagura
    I can't tell which ones are real cats and which ones are those aliens.
[05:10] Kintaro
    Damn it!
[05:12] Kintaro
    I exhausted my energy in that earlier scuffle, and my life gauge is down to five.
SIGN    [Life Gauge]
SIGN    [Smoke one cigarette and you lose one bar.]
[05:17] Kagura
    Since when did you have that setting?
[05:20] Kintaro
    Look what you did.
[05:22] ---
    Now I have to conquer the world with only five bars left.
[05:24] ---
    That's one bar per continent.
[05:27] Kagura
    Five is plenty in order to see the old man.
[05:29] Kintaro
    I said, I won't see him! You're so persistent!
[05:33] Kagura
    Well, never mind. In any case,
[05:36] Kagura
    it's dark, so let's get some light.
[05:38] Kintaro
    Where're you taking the light from?!
[05:40] Kintaro
    What fool uses someone's life candle for lighting purposes?!
[05:42] ---
    And how the hell did you do that? How'd you materialize it just now?
[05:45] Kagura
    Stop yammering, will ya? Here, I'll give you my life candle.
[05:49] Kintaro
    Give me...? You can do such a thing?
[05:51] Kagura
    Here. How's that?
[05:53] Kintaro
    Hey, it's burning so bright! Isn't this fireworks?!
[05:56] Kagura
    Even if it's a short life, burn hot and bright and overtake the moment.
[06:00] Kagura
    That's my way of life.
[06:02] Kintaro
    Who cares about your way of life! You're melting the candle next to it!
[06:06] ---
    Extinguish it! Put it out right now!
[06:09] Kintaro
    Who extinguishes it like that?!
[06:14] Kintaro
    Hey, you put an extra candle out!
[06:17] ---
    Now there's only three left! I can't breathe.
[06:20] Kagura
    Hey, hang on! Do you intend to die before you see the old man?!
[06:24] Kintaro
    Intend to die? It's mostly you guys who're killing me.
[06:30] Kintaro
    I'm not gonna see the old man. I can't let him see me like this.
[06:37] Kagura
    You're that adamant about not seeing your master?
[06:40] Kintaro
    Yes.
[06:41] Kagura
    Maybe he was a bother to you,
[06:44] Kagura
    but you were also able to survive to this day because of him.
[06:49] Kagura
    What's wrong with seeing him just one more time?
[06:53] ---
    For him, you were a friend who sustained his lonely existence for many years.
[07:00] Kintaro
    You damn brat...
[07:03] Kintaro
    That old man... he's not like that.
[07:06] ---
    We weren't like that.
[07:10] Kintaro
    We came to this park often together.
[07:12] ---
    We had a set course we walked.
[07:16] Kintaro
    To observers, we were an old man and his old dog.
[07:18] Kintaro
    We may've looked extremely close.
[07:23] Kintaro
    No one could have imagined that we both wished the other would "Die!"
SIGN    [Kintaro]
[07:29] Kintaro
    Yeah, that was the first word he ever uttered to me.
[07:37] Old Man
    Die!
[07:39] Kintaro
    That's what the old man always said.
[07:42] Old Man
    Damn you! Die!
[07:43] Kintaro
    If he didn't like something, that's what he said, no matter who it was.
[07:44] Old Man
    Get outta here!
[07:47] ---
    To his wife, to his friends, and to me.
[07:51] Kintaro
    I don't know if that was the reason.
[07:54] ---
    But one by one, the people around him died.
[07:58] Kintaro
    And in time, the old man was all alone.
[08:01] Kintaro
    And yet, he still kept on living.
[08:07] Old Man
    You're a stubborn one too. Hurry up and die.
[08:12] Kintaro
    Because, he still had someone to say, "Die" to.
[08:15] Old Man
    Kintaro...
[08:18] Old Man
    The old lady is gone and so are all my friends.
[08:22] Old Man
    You're the only one left.
[08:25] Old Man
    Do you know why I stay away from my kids even after my wife's gone,
[08:29] Old Man
    and continue living alone?
[08:32] Old Man
    I don't want them to see my dying face.
[08:35] Old Man
    In my time, I've seen many a dying face, but it sucks.
[08:39] ---
    It's not something you can show others.
[08:42] ---
    I'm not gonna let anyone see such a shriveled-up face. No thanks.
[08:45] Old Man
    I'm gonna die alone, unnoticed by anyone.
[08:49] ---
    So Kintaro, hurry up and die. You're the only one left.
[09:04] Kintaro
    You die, you old bastard!
[09:08] Kintaro
    We've gone on living, cursing each other to die.
[09:12] Kintaro
    I waited for the old man to die so I could conquer Earth.
[09:15] ---
    I couldn't die, no matter what.
[09:17] ---
    I survived, even if I had to crawl through life.
[09:22] Kintaro
    But the old man kept living, too.
[09:24] Kintaro
    As if he was competing with me, he didn't fall.
[09:27] ---
    No matter what illness he caught, he overcame it.
[09:30] Kintaro
    He would stand before me as though nothing had happened, and sneer at me.
[09:36] Kintaro
    We never showed each other our weaknesses.
[09:38] ---
    We'd drag our weary bodies and force ourselves to go walking.
[09:43] Kintaro
    Our legs could barely move,
[09:46] Kintaro
    but we kept our pride and ran.
[09:50] Kintaro
    There wasn't a shred of feeling support for one another.
[09:54] Kintaro
    All we lived for was to outlast the other by a day, a minute, even a second.
[10:02] Kintaro
    That's how we are.
[10:05] Kintaro
    The old man is no different from me.
[10:09] Kintaro
    And you think the old man would be happy to see me?
[10:12] ---
    If he sees me, he'd get an adrenalin rush and get up again.
[10:17] Kintaro
    Leaving him alone is the best thing.
[10:20] Kintaro
    I'm sick of him, that persistent old man!
[10:23] ---
    Wanting to see him doesn't even cross my mind.
[10:27] Kintaro
    I wish he'd hurry up and die!
[10:35] Kagura
    What is that?
[10:40] Kintaro
    O-Old...
[10:41] Kintaro
    ...man!
[10:46] Kintaro
    Old man!
[10:47] Kintaro
    Wh-What are you doing here?! You're supposed to be on your deathbed.
[10:52] Kagura
    He's holding something.
[10:54] Kintaro
    A leash?
[10:55] Kintaro
    No way!
[10:57] Kintaro
    A walk? He thinks he's taking a walk?!
[11:01] ---
    He's barely conscious, yet he left the hospital, and...
[11:05] Kintaro
    he's taking a walk...with me?!
[11:11] Old Man
    Kintaro... I won't lose.
[11:16] Old Man
    I still have...
[11:19] Kintaro
    O-Old man...why'd you come here?
[11:24] Kintaro (M)
    He's still competing with me, even in his condition?
[11:29] Kintaro (M)
    Enough already. I've had enough!
[11:33] ---
    Enough.
[11:36] Kintaro (M)
    Can't you understand, you old bastard?!
[11:39] ---
    I...I can't stand to see you like that.
[11:42] Kagura
    Wait! Watch out!
[11:47] Cat A
    I found you. I found you, Planet Eater!
[11:51] Cat A
    You can't escape now.
[11:53] Cat A
    You are an evil presence.
[11:55] Cat A
    We will erase each and every one of you...
[11:58] Cat A
    ...from the universe!
[12:11] Kintaro
    Y-You!
[12:29] Kagura
    Hurry!
[12:32] Kagura
    Hurry and go!
[12:35] Kagura
    How long must he walk alone?!
[12:39] Kagura
    I'm not telling you to say good-bye.
[12:43] Kagura
    Go tell him to die.
[12:45] Kagura
    Curse and rant at him until the very end.
[12:48] Kagura
    Stay and fight with him.
[12:50] Kagura
    Stay and die with him!
[13:01] Kagura
    And that'll do...for you two.
[13:05] Kagura
    That's what you two are.
[13:10] Gerou
    You're still going to get in our way?!
[13:19] Gerou
    This one is trying to destroy this planet!
[13:22] Gerou
    If you defend him, we'll consider you a danger to this planet, too!
[13:27] Kagura
    I don't care what you do to stop the conquest of Earth.
[13:31] ---
    But there's two things we mustn't interfere with when it comes to this dog.
[13:38] Kagura
    That's the time to eat and the time to take a walk!
[13:44] Cat B
    Shogun! Our offensive isn't working at all!
[13:48] Gerou
    What's with that girl's fighting strength?!
[13:50] ---
    She's even stronger than the Planet Eater!
[13:54] Gerou
    Summon Omega!
[13:56] Cat D
    Omega?! It's too dangerous!
[13:58] Gerou
    This is no time to be saying that!
[14:00] ---
    She is another threat to the planet! We must not let her escape!
[14:05] Narrator
    Parasite Omega.
[14:06] ---
    Even among Planet Pukers, it had superior strength and was known as the Sweeper.
[14:12] Narrator
    Omega was born from the power of alcohol in a cross-fertilization of Planet Eaters and Planet Pukers,
[14:17] ---
    and was the ultimate warrior possessing the strengths of both.
[14:21] Narrator
    However, at the same time, it was psychologically unstable,
[14:25] Narrator
    and could go into a frenzy that matched the Planet Eaters.
[14:29] Cat D
    Shogun, if we're not careful, this planet could be destroyed with us on it!
[14:33] Gerou
    That's the risk we must take in order to stop this new menace!
[14:38] Gerou
    It's over for you guys!
[14:41] Gerou
    Omega! Burn everything in sight!
[14:52] Katsura
    Hello, I'm Omemi. Nice to meet you.
[15:03] Omittedold Man
    So, my time is near, eh?
[15:06] ---
    I can see cats flying through the air.
[15:11] Kintaro
    The candles. Two of my life candles have been broken!
[15:14] ---
    I only have one left!
[15:16] Kintaro (M)
    What the hell is she doing?!
[15:18] Kagura
    Go! Hurry!
[15:20] Kintaro (M)
    A walk?! Is she crazy?
[15:23] Kintaro (M)
    I'm way past being able to do that!
[15:26] Kintaro (M)
    I-I can't even stand.
[15:30] ---
    The old man's candle was probably snuffed out just now!
[15:34] Kintaro
    Old man!
[15:36] Kintaro (M)
    What?! There's only one candle left, and he's standing!
[15:44] Old Man
    Kintaro, so you're finally at death's doorstep? How pitiful!
[15:50] Old Man
    I'm still fit as a fiddle. If you're unable to take a walk, it's over for a human.
[15:56] Old Man
    Old geezers should hurry and die!
[16:06] Kintaro (M)
    D-Don't take me lightly, you damn bastard!
[16:11] Kintaro (M)
    I've still got it. I'll never lose to an old geezer like you!
[16:17] Old Man
    Hey, don't force yourself.
[16:19] ---
    I know... that you're already half-dead.
[16:24] Kintaro (M)
    Same goes for you.
[16:27] Old Man
    What a stubborn dog.
[16:31] Kintaro (M)
    Damn old buzzard! Die!
[16:37] Kintaro (M)
    Please...
[16:41] Old Man
    Die!
[16:43] Old Woman
    Dear, what a thing to say!
[16:46] ---
    That pup's mother and siblings died after a difficult birth and it's all alone.
[16:52] Old Man
    That's why I'm saying it should've died, too!
[16:56] Old Woman
    And I'm saying that's a mean thing to say!
[16:59] Old Man
    That's not mean at all!
[17:01] ---
    What's mean is the mother and the siblings dying, leaving him all alone.
[17:05] ---
    It's way harder being the one left behind.
[17:10] Old Man
    I don't have the confidence to live long enough until he's old and dies.
[17:15] Old Man
    If he's gonna be left all alone again, it would've been better if he had died, too.
[17:21] ---
    That's the point I'm making.
[17:22] Old Woman
    I'm here.
[17:24] Old Man
    There's no way I'll die before you!
[17:27] Old Woman
    I'm ten years younger than you.
[17:30] Old Man
    You can never depend on a woman.
[17:32] ---
    You and I have different resolves.
[17:35] Old Man
    Hey, you... Unfortunately, I'm an old man.
[17:40] Old Man
    I can't be a surrogate mom or brother to you. But I can be your buddy.
[17:47] Old Man
    Buddies are great. Age, sex, family, relationships don't matter.
[17:52] ---
    If you have a lover, your wife'll beat you up.
[17:56] ---
    But you can have as many friends as you like and no one'll complain.
[18:00] Old Man
    But because of it, I go by a single rule.
[18:06] Old Man
    Don't die before your friend.
[18:09] Old Man
    I hate it when you have lots of friends here and there,
[18:12] Old Man
    and you go and die and make them all sad.
[18:16] Old Man
    So, you live until you're all alone and you cry alone.
[18:20] ---
    You watch them all die, then you die alone.
[18:24] Old Man
    Even if I cry, I'll never make a buddy cry.
[18:28] ---
    That's my rule when making a friend.
[18:31] Old Man
    So rest assured. You'll never need to cry because you're all alone.
[18:37] ---
    After you die, I'll cry for you.
[18:40] Old Man
    So rest assured and die, buddy.
[18:55] Kintaro (M)
    You old bastard, enough already.
[18:59] Kintaro (M)
    That's enough...
[19:03] Kintaro (M)
    Stop...please.
[19:07] Kintaro (M)
    Hurry and die...
[19:13] Kintaro (M)
    I don't want to see... I don't want to see you...
[19:17] Kintaro (M)
    hanging in there and suffering.
[19:20] Kintaro (M)
    I don't want to see it anymore!
[19:27] Gerou
    You won't get away, Planet Eater!
[19:32] Gerou
    If you die, the extermination of Planet Eaters will be over.
[19:36] Gerou
    Then we will be released from this body of flesh.
[19:39] ---
    We'll change our parasite hosts and eradicate those beasts!
[19:45] Gerou
    It's our victo--!
[19:48] Gerou
    Huh? Huh? Huh?!
[19:52] Gerou
    I can't fire! Huh? Huh?!
[19:56] Gerou
    Huh?!
[20:01] Gintoki
    Hey, did I just do something?
[20:04] Shinpachi
    I think you did.
[20:14] Kintaro (M)
    I thought that if I didn't go to see him, he could die in peace.
[20:20] Kintaro (M)
    Why'd he come here? Was it just to suffer?
[20:26] Kintaro (M)
    If I die, you'll be at peace, right?
[20:30] Kintaro (M)
    If I die first, you'll be at peace and can die too, right?
[20:35] Kintaro (M)
    But, I don't think we can do that anymore, old man.
[20:41] Kintaro (M)
    I can't die before you die.
[20:45] ---
    Damn, I'm starting to lose it, old man.
[20:50] Kintaro (M)
    I don't know when it happened, but more than being the King of Terror...
[20:56] Kintaro (M)
    I've wanted to be your buddy.
[21:00] Kintaro (M)
    So I can't make you cry!
[21:06] Kintaro (M)
    So, why don't you hurry up and die, old man?!
[21:11] Kintaro (M)
    Die, old man!
[21:15] Kintaro (M)
    Please die!
[21:20] Kintaro (M)
    Old man, die! Die!
[21:27] Kintaro (M)
    Die! You old bastard!
[21:58] Old Man
    K-Kintaro...
[22:02] Old Man
    I win.
[22:07] Old Man
    Because you...made your buddy cry.
[22:16] Old Man
    Th-Thanks...
[22:23] Old Man
    Buddy...
[22:33] Omittedkagura
    Sadaharu, let's go.
[24:15] Gintoki
    The next episode:
[24:17] Gintoki
    "Fights Often Ensue During Trips"
SIGN    [Around this time last year we had to skip an episode because of the Japan Series. And this year...]
SIGN    [We're Not Skipping!]