E359 - The Unemployed Cannot Be Stained By Anything

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Gintama
SIGN    Silver Soul
SIGN    Silver Soul Arc
SIGN    The Unemployed Cannot
    Be Stained By Anything
[01:40] UB
    As for you...
[01:44] UB
    Die right here and now!
[01:50] Kag
    What do you think you're
    doing, you stupid cue ball?!
SIGN    Watch the Silver Soul arc in a bright
    room and at a safe distance from the TV!!!!!!
[01:52] UB
    Tch.
[01:53] UB
    How do you have the gall to show
    up after everything you've done?
[01:58] UB
    I'll end you this time for sure.
[02:00] Kag
    You're wrong, Daddy! He...
[02:02] UB
    I'm not wrong about anything.
[02:05] UB
    A big bro who got a hole in his
    belly protecting his kid sister?
[02:09] UB
    No father would ever praise
    him for doing a good job.
[02:13] UB
    If he's here to do stupid crap like
    that, I'll take him out for good.
[02:18] Kam
    That so?
[02:20] Kam
    No need to worry, then.
[02:22] Kam
    I still have the strength left to kill you!
[02:30] Kam
    I wanted to save the main dish for last,
[02:32] Kam
    but if you insist, I'll gobble
    it down with the appetizer!
[02:35] Gin
    Hold it, you morons!
[02:38] UB
    What did you just say?!
[02:40] UB
    Whose head is Made in Bangladesh?!
[02:43] Gin
    Nobody said anything of the sort!
[02:45] UB
    There's nothing up there!
    I'm not wearing a wig!
[02:52] Kag
    That's enough.
[02:57] Kag
    You two...
[02:59] Kag
    Even at a time like this, you wanna fight?
[03:02] Kag
    No matter how much time passes or
    where we are, you never learn, do you?
[03:07] Kag
    But that's just fine.
[03:12] Kag
    Even if it's just for a moment,
    my entire family's on Earth.
[03:16] Kag
    That's enough for me.
[03:23] Nob
    Run!
[03:24] Nob
    We're breaking through!
[03:28] Kam
    Damn!
[03:30] UB
    Use it. It'll stop your bleeding.
[03:33] UB
    I don't care if you die a
    dog's death out of my sight.
[03:36] UB
    But I won't let you die on this planet.
[03:44] Kam
    I didn't do that for you.
[03:46] Kam
    Direct your thanks to her.
[03:52] (Flashback) Kag
    Earth?
[03:54] (Flashback) Kou
    Yeah. Your father told me
    about it a long time ago.
[03:59] (Flashback) Kou
    That there's a very beautiful
    blue planet out there.
[04:04] (Flashback) Kam
    So, did you get to go there?
[04:07] (Flashback) Kou
    No. Who knows when I'll be able to?
[04:10] (Flashback) Kag
    Let's go to Earth, Mommy.
[04:13] (Flashback) Kag
    Let's go with Daddy and Kamui...
    The whole family, together.
[04:19] Kag
    Mommy, sorry we kept you waiting so long.
[04:23] Kag
    But everyone's here now.
[04:27] Kag
    Here, on Earth.
[04:31] Gin
    Was it you, Nobume?
[04:33] Gin
    Was it you who brought another
    nuke to a nuke site?!
[04:36] Nob
    A nuke? Do you really think
    that would bring down Utsuro?
[04:40] Nob
    He's the trump card, the only
    one who can defeat Utsuro.
[04:42] Nob
    I brought him along because he said that.
[04:45] Nob
    And to me, an outsider,
[04:47] Nob
    they look like two peas in a pod,
    a loving father and son.
[04:49] Bo
    Are you blind?!
[04:51] Ub
    I told you, didn't I?
[04:53] Ub
    That I'd definitely find a way to kill him?
[04:57] Shin
    N-No way...
[04:59] Ub
    I collected, from every
    corner of the universe,
[05:04] Ub
    the crystals that the planets gave birth to!
[05:10] Ub
    Our fragments of hope...
[05:12] Ub
    Altana crystallites!
[05:15] Shin
    Crystallites?
[05:16] Gin
    If we have those things, can we
    nullify Utsuro's immortality?
[05:20] UB
    Utsuro's no immortal.
[05:23] UB
    If his body takes a strong
    dose of incompatible Altana,
[05:27] UB
    he can't maintain his immortality.
[05:31] UB
    I couldn't save Kouka.
[05:35] UB
    So this time I'm going to make sure,
    with the hope she gave me,
[05:41] UB
    to save this planet she so loved.
[05:45] UB
    Behold.
[05:47] UB
    This is what's hidden in the crystallites...
[05:50] UB
    The power of Altana!
[05:55] UB
    When I sprinkled them on my head,
    I grew a full head of hair!
[06:00] UB
    What'd you do that for?
[06:02] UB
    Ow... Look, my head!
[06:04] UB
    It has so much hair!
[06:06] Kag
    Come off it! What the hell are
    you using the crystallites for?!
[06:10] Ub
    I'm showing the enemies that they're
    not the only immortal ones.
[06:14] Ub
    My hair roots are, too!
[06:15] Shin
    That serves no purpose at all!
[06:17] Kam
    Then let me take a good look, too.
[06:20] Kam
    Immortal? It's a wig, just like always.
[06:23] UB
    Everyone's hair turns into a wig
    when pulled with that much force!
[06:26] UB
    What have you done, you little shit?!
[06:28] Shin
    We don't have time for that crap!
[06:30] Shin
    The enemy's coming!
[06:31] UB
    Good grief. If you're
    baddies in a Sentai show,
[06:34] UB
    you're supposed to take a hint and not
    attack while the robots are combining.
[06:39] Shin
    But all we've got is a
    cue ball and a wig combining!
[06:41] Ub
    I'll have to take the hint too, then.
[06:45] Ub
    I'll show you the power of an Altana
    weapon made from crystallites.
[06:51] Ub
    Ready... Fire!
[06:55] Ub
    Buy me three seconds! It'll grow right back!
[06:58] All
    Who would wait?!
[07:01] Gin
    What's all this about?!
[07:03] Gin
    Our last hope, the crystallites,
    are being used on nothing but trash!
[07:06] Nob
    If that's our trump card, Earth is done for.
[07:10] Nob
    Nothing but hair roots will remain.
[07:11] Kag
    Those hair roots should die, too!
[07:12] Shin
    We can't break through like this!
[07:28] Shin
    It fired something!
[07:30] UB
    I told you.
[07:31] UB
    An old man and a cannon are
    combining! Take a hint!
[07:35] UB
    Converting Altana extracted
    from crystallites
[07:39] UB
    and firing it all is what this
    Altana weapon, Shoryumon, does!
[07:43] UB
    It was a byproduct born while I
    was building the hair-growth gun.
[07:47] Shin
    That other one's clearly the extra here!
[07:49] UB
    The Altana imbued in it
    can destroy any immortal.
[07:54] UB
    What's more, the Altana particles
    the cannon spreads in the air
[07:58] UB
    eat into the bodies of all immortals nearby.
[08:05] UB
    The immortals won't be able to stand anymore.
[08:09] UB
    The last ones standing
[08:12] UB
    will be us!
[08:15] Kag
    You damn cue ball!
[08:16] Shin
    If you had that thing,
    why didn't you use it sooner?!
[08:18] Shin
    What was all that about the hair growth?
    Did you just want to show off?!
[08:21] UB
    Wait, wait! That wasn't my intention!
[08:25] UB
    The Shoryumon takes a while
    to charge up and fire.
[08:28] UB
    I have to make every shot count.
[08:30] Gin
    What? Don't you have any
    other Altana weapons?
[08:34] UB
    I do, but they're limited in number...
[08:38] Kam
    Wow, these tiny bombs are amazing!
[08:41] Kam
    They're sending the immortals
    flying like garbage!
[08:43] UB
    Stop wasting my weapons!
    When did you swipe them, anyway?!
[08:47] Kam
    I'm pretty sure this is much better
    than using them in a hair-growth agent.
[08:51] Kam
    Besides, with these things,
[08:54] Kam
    I can hold off those corpses all by myself.
[08:58] Kam
    Get going. There's no time, right?
[09:01] Kam
    I'm already tired of babysitting you.
[09:04] Kam
    Why should I have to take care of a dog, too?
[09:08] Shin
    Kamui-san.
[09:09] UB
    True.
[09:10] UB
    If he needs a little girl
    to watch over him forever,
[09:13] UB
    a man will lose all face.
[09:15] Kam
    Are you referring to me?
[09:19] UB
    Not you. I'm talking about me.
[09:23] UB
    But no need to worry anymore.
[09:25] UB
    Even without you,
[09:29] UB
    we'll be all right.
[09:31] UB
    So get going.
[09:33] UB
    This time, for the new family
    you've found for yourself...
[09:37] UB
    And for yourself.
[09:41] UB
    Take this and go.
[09:43] UB
    I made it by forging steel that
    was imbued with crystallite.
[09:48] UB
    You samurai love your swords, don't you?
[09:52] Gin
    You know, samurai used to
    wield two weapons in the past.
[09:56] Gin
    Only when they carried both a long and a
    short sword were they seen as true warriors.
[10:02] Gin
    But at some point, they
    threw away their pride,
[10:04] Gin
    lost the beliefs they were meant to uphold,
[10:07] Gin
    and were left with only one
    sword, for self-defense.
[10:10] Gin
    I staggered through that darkness,
    swinging a stick of wood around,
[10:15] Gin
    and somehow managed to get this far.
[10:19] Gin
    It was only because I had two
    blunt yet unbreakable swords
[10:24] Gin
    with me right here.
[10:27] Gin
    I thank you for helping me
    meet one of those dullards.
[10:33] Gin
    So long as I have these two on my waist,
[10:35] Gin
    this samurai won't break.
[10:40] Gin
    I swear I'll come back, both swords in tow.
[10:45] UB
    Hey, do you think that was his way of
    asking for my daughter's hand in marriage?
[10:51] Kam
    That just occurred to you?
[10:53] Kam
    I thought you were prepared
    for that all along.
[10:56] UB
    Don't be stupid.
[10:58] UB
    Kouka hated wimps like that.
[11:02] UB
    Ah, I see.
[11:03] UB
    Well, she did choose a blimp
    for a husband, after all.
[11:06] UB
    But yeah, nothing beats a son.
[11:10] UB
    A daughter will leave
    for another man someday,
[11:12] UB
    but a son doesn't leave his old man alone.
[11:15] UB
    Seriously.
[11:16] UB
    I'm always having my life targeted,
    my arm ripped off, or my hair torn off!
[11:22] UB
    Daddy's so happy to have such a merry family!
[11:35] Mon
    We've quelled more or less
    all of them, I guess?
[11:38] Ane
    The only spot left is that one.
[11:41] Mon
    Time for checkmate.
[11:46] Ane
    Let me express my gratitude.
[11:48] Ane
    We gave up on you and threw you out.
[11:52] Ane
    But you never abandoned us.
SIGN    Please Take Me Home
[11:58] Ane
    No, that's not it.
[12:00] Ane
    I'm sure what you wanted to protect was...
[12:05] Ane
    I promise you.
[12:07] Ane
    We will take you home to your family.
[12:10] Ane
    So give us a bit more...
[12:14] Ane
    Huh?
[12:16] Ane
    Wait a second. Time-out.
[12:18] Ane
    Were you always this size?
[12:21] Mon
    What's the matter, Sister?
[12:23] Ane
    Did I use too much Zen power?
[12:26] Ane
    A large is looking like a medium to me.
[12:28] Mon
    It isn't just your imagination.
    You've grown larger, Sister.
[12:34] Mon
    You stooped as low as becoming
    a cabaret priestess for a while,
[12:37] Mon
    but now you're fighting to
    fulfill our clan's duty.
[12:40] Mon
    How you've grown, truly.
[12:43] Mon
    I can see it, too.
[12:44] Mon
    You look larger than life,
    like Obayashi Motoko.
[12:48] Mon
    Right, Komako?
[12:51] Ane
    Even Komako's tiny now!
[12:54] Ane
    What's going on? Why is this happening?!
[12:57] Ane
    Don't tell me, is this...
[13:00] Ane
    Mone!
[13:06] Mon
    Sister!
[13:10] Ane
    Run!
[13:14] Shin
    An earthquake?
[13:15] Gin
    The ley lines were getting quieter!
    Now they're going nuts again?!
[13:19] Kag
    What's that mean?
[13:20] Kag
    Sadaharu and the others should be
    holding it down right now!
[13:23] Nob
    Only the tributaries were calmed down.
[13:26] Nob
    The main river still remains.
[13:29] Nob
    Could it be, that man...
[13:43] Nob
    The Gate burst.
[13:45] Nob
    Nobody can stop it anymore.
[13:47] Nob
    Not Utsuro, not anyone.
[13:52] U
    Your welcoming party is ready.
[13:55] U
    I'm waiting for you, Shoyo's pupils.
[14:06] Shi
    We've lost all control
    of the Heavenly Bird now.
[14:10] Shi
    We have no time to evacuate
    the people on board, either.
[14:14] Shi
    But if we can destroy the ship
    before it crashes into Earth,
[14:19] Shi
    we can save that planet
    and the entire galaxy.
[14:23] Shi
    And the only ones capable
    of that right now...
[14:27] Shi
    Hata, it's you and your people.
[14:31] Hat
    Admiral, are you telling me to save people?
[14:35] Hat
    Or are you telling me to kill them?
[14:40] Shi
    I don't know, either.
[14:43] Shi
    But any path that you choose, as one
    who has loved every living being,
[14:48] Shi
    is a path that I can
    believe is the right one.
[14:54] Shi
    Hata, your brother...
[15:03] Shi
    Your two brothers stand by you!
[15:06] Shi
    So don't hesitate.
[15:08] Shi
    Believe in your heart and move forward!
[15:13] Jii
    Prince...
[15:15] Mad
    What're you waiting for?
    The answer should already be obvious.
[15:19] Mad
    Actually, the you of old
    would never have hesitated.
[15:25] Hat
    I suppose.
[15:27] Hat
    But I don't know why...
[15:30] (Flashback) Shi
    Become a kind king who loves
    all living beings, Hata.
[15:35] (Flashback) Mad
    I said shut up, you pet freak!
[15:40] Hat
    But there's a part of me that doesn't want
    to destroy either the ship or the planet!
[15:47] Hat
    Thinking back, meeting a bizarre
    creature on Earth sealed my fate.
[15:55] Hat
    You will take responsibility
    for this, samurai.
[15:58] Hat
    If I make the wrong choice
    again, punch me in the face.
[16:04] Hat
    All ships, prepare to fire!
[16:07] Hat
    The target: the Heavenly Bird!
[16:10] Hat
    Forgive me, my brothers!
[16:13] Hat
    Fi...
[16:19] Jii
    He really punched him! He punched
    him at the worst possible time!
[16:22] Jii
    What? What did the prince get wrong?
[16:25] Jii
    Did he do something bad?
[16:26] Mad
    His face.
[16:28] Jii
    What do you mean, he got his
    face wrong? That's nothing new!
[16:31] Jii
    That face has always been a fail!
[16:33] Mad
    I punched you, lost my job,
[16:36] Mad
    and hit rock bottom in life.
[16:39] Mad
    I regretted my choice over and over,
    and over and over I wanted to kill myself.
[16:43] Mad
    But you know what looking at your
    face right now made me feel?
[16:47] Mad
    It made me glad I socked you.
[16:49] Mad
    So I did it once more.
[16:52] Mad
    Only this time, it was to climb
    back up from rock bottom with you!
[16:57] Mad
    Will you quietly watch Earth be destroyed?
[17:01] Mad
    Or will you destroy the ship your
    brothers and comrades are on to save it?
[17:06] Mad
    Even a child would know which
    choice here is right or wrong.
[17:13] Mad
    They're both wrong.
[17:15] Mad
    The only right choice is to save
    it all, both Earth and that ship!
[17:22] Mon
    Sister, please hang in there.
[17:24] Ane
    Shut up and drive.
[17:27] Ane
    I can't quit right now.
[17:30] Ane
    These two are starting to lose their
    bodies due to using so much Zen power.
[17:36] Ane
    At this rate, their very
    existences may be erased.
[17:40] Mon
    Erased? No...
[17:48] Ane
    Mone!
[18:02] Ane
    Komako...
[18:03] Ane
    Komako!
[18:06] Shi
    Hata! Why won't you fire?!
[18:09] Mad
    Admiral, I'm with Immigration.
[18:13] Mad
    Sorry, but we can't shoot down
    a ship with our comrades on it.
[18:16] Shi
    Of all the stupid...
[18:18] Shi
    Are you saying you'll approve
    this burning ship's entry?!
[18:22] Mad
    Yeah. Welcome.
[18:25] Mad
    If we can't stop it, we'll have to let it in.
[18:29] Mad
    This is a job for ex-Immigration
    Bureau Chief Hasegawa Taizo.
[18:35] Mad
    All ships, full speed ahead!
[18:38] Mad
    Take position in front of the Heavenly Bird!
[18:41] Shi
    Are you out of your mind?!
[18:43] Hat
    Admiral!
[18:45] Hat
    Didn't you say you could
    believe in my choice?
[18:48] Hat
    Then believe in me.
[18:51] Hat
    Believe in the choice this
    man I believed in made!
[18:56] Hat
    I'm a kid brother who loves his brothers
    and the creatures known as samurai,
[19:01] Hat
    and this is my answer!
[19:10] Shi
    Anti-impact shields?
[19:12] Shi
    Don't tell me,
[19:13] Shi
    you plan to stop this ship head-on?!
[19:17] Shi
    This is insane! You'll be dragged
    down to Earth along with this ship!
[19:22] Mad
    Exactly.
[19:24] Mad
    But if we can delay the impact
    even a little, that's enough.
[19:30] Mad
    I know who's down there on Earth.
[19:34] Mad
    I know that they, and Earth,
[19:37] Mad
    will definitely come back to life!
[19:43] Shin
    Ane-san! Mone-san!
[19:45] Nob
    I'll take care of things here.
[19:47] Nob
    Hurry up and go to him.
[19:52] Mad
    Insane?
[19:53] Mad
    I say abandoning one or the
    other is much more insane.
[19:57] Mad
    If both choices are insane,
[19:59] Mad
    I'd rather choose the world with
    the people I can trust in it.
[20:04] Mad
    No need for IDs or annoying paperwork.
[20:07] Mad
    It doesn't matter if you're
    Earthlings or otherwise.
[20:11] Mad
    Just bring your stupid faces back home alive!
[20:17] Mad
    That's the kind of passport
    the land of the samurai issues.
[20:22] G
    Prince! The shields have
    crossed critical load!
[20:25] G
    We can't hold it off anymore!
[20:27] G
    If this keeps up, the entire
    fleet will be crushed!
[20:30] Jii
    It really didn't work!
[20:32] Jii
    That's why I told you not to
    do this, you stupid prince!
[20:35] Hat
    Shut up, Gramps!
[20:36] Jii
    Hey, Hasegawa, take responsibility for this.
[20:38] Jii
    What did you base this moronic plan on?
[20:42] Mad
    The entire universe.
[20:44] Mad
    That thing can't be stopped unless we
    gather all the ships in the universe.
[20:48] Jii
    Huh? Quit sleeptalking, you dimwit!
[20:52] Jii
    As if we could...
[20:53] LibA
    We have all the ships you need right here.
[20:57] LibA
    Earthlings, you clawed your
    way back from total despair.
[21:01] LibB
    And now, you're trying to save
    our mother ship from sinking.
[21:06] LibC
    I'm amazed you're trying to save
    all those lives, ally or enemy!
[21:11] LibD
    Perhaps we misjudged you people.
[21:14] LibE
    Ex-Immigration Bureau Chief,
    was it? Would you give us a chance?
[21:19] LibA
    If you say you'll save our mother ship...
[21:22] LibB
    ...we'll use our entire fleet
    to protect your planet.
[21:27] Hat
    The Liberation Army?!
[21:29] Mad
    That so?
[21:30] Mad
    Guess giving away our passports
    for cheap paid off.
[21:35] Mad
    Welcome to the land of the samurai.
[21:47] Shi
    I-Impossible.
[21:49] Shi
    Who are you really, Hasegawa Taizo?
[21:52] Shi
    Just how much power and
    influence do you have?!
[21:55] Mad
    Isn't that obvious?
[21:57] Mad
    I answer to no authority and am free
    to say and do whatever I please,
[22:02] Mad
    without having to take
    responsibility for any of it.
[22:06] Mad
    But I have no power, influence, or money.
[22:10] Mad
    Hell, I don't even have a job.
[22:15] Mad
    I'm just an unemployed man.
SIGN    To Be Continued
SIGN    Silver Soul Arc
[23:49] Gin
    No matter what, I'm not letting go!
SIGN    Always Hold On to Your Trump Cards
SIGN    Being unemployed may seem awesome all of a sudden,
SIGN    but please take great care with your life choices in the real world.
SIGN    Meanwhile, the war started by Utsuro
SIGN    is reaching its climax...