E23 - When You’re in a Fix, Keep on Laughing, Laughing…

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:01] Sachan
    The wife's name is Sachan.
[00:03] Sachan
    The husband's name is Gin-san.
[00:06] Gintoki
    Come again?
[00:06] ---
    They were two ordinary people, who fell in love like ordinary people and married, just like ordinary people.
[00:09] Gintoki
    Stop making up your own recollection of the past episode!
[00:11] ---
    In the first place, you're not appearing in this episode.
[00:12] ---
    But one thing was different: the wife was a masochist.
[00:13] ---
    Hey, are you listening?
[00:16] Gintoki
    Is that your punchline?!
SIGN    [Tatsuma Sakamoto travels around space as the leader of the Kaientai traders.]
SIGN    [He was a old friend who fought in the Anti-foreigner War alongside Gintoki, Katsura and Takasugi.]
SIGN    [Oedo Store Summer Big Sale Drawing]
[02:09] Man
    Whoa! There it is! Congratulations! You've won first prize!
[02:16] Tv Commercial
    Enjoy the ultimate vacation of dreams and romance in the vast expanse of distant space.
[02:22] Tv Commercial
    A vacation adventure with everything.
[02:26] Tv Commercial
    You'll see the vastness of space as you've never seen it before.
SIGN    [You, too, can experience the space travel of your dreams.]
[02:31] Shinpachi
    You know, Gin-san...
[02:31] Tv Commercial
    Another page in the history of the Milky Way.
[02:33] Shinpachi
    I'd like to travel around space like that, just once.
[02:35] Tv Commercial
    We have many travel plans available. Shake hands with me somewhere in space!
[02:37] Gintoki
    What're you talking about? There's no air in space, you know.
[02:41] ---
    If there's no air you'll, you know, die.
[02:46] Shinpachi
    Oh, welcome back, Kagura-chan.
[02:51] Gintoki
    Hey, what're you doing?! Becoming a rebel without a cause?
[02:55] Shinpachi
    Who's control did you break free from?
[02:58] ---
    Kneel before me.
[03:01] Kagura
    You're so full of yourselves, you penniless samurai!
[03:06] Kagura
    Call me "Madame foreman"!
[03:08] Gintoki
    Wouldn't "Queen" be better?
[03:11] Kagura
    Madame foreman is more productive than Queen, so she's higher!
[03:16] ---
    Call me a slender Madame foreman!
[03:19] Shinpachi
    Madame foreman, did you buy toilet paper?
[03:22] Kagura
    I forgot the paper to wipe your butt with, but I got a much better piece of paper.
SIGN    [Patrol Bus Leisure Trip Through Space]
[03:27] Kagura
    A paper that'll let us fly in the sky.
[03:30] Shinpachi
    A trip for three though space?!
[03:33] Gintoki
    M-Madame foreman!
[03:35] Gintoki/Shinpachi
    Banzai! Banzai!
[03:38] Gintoki/;Shinpachi
    Banzai! Banzai! Banzai!
SIGN    ["When You're in a Fix, Keep on Laughing, Laughing..."]
[04:01] Gintoki
    Come on, I'm not carrying anything metal.
[04:05] ---
    Is it responding to my iron will?
[04:09] Inspector (Female)
    There have been a rash of crimes perpetrated by the Anti-Foreigner faction, so please go through again.
[04:14] Gintoki
    Ah, I know what it is!
[04:16] ---
    I forgot about the two golden balls between my legs.
[04:19] Inspector (Female)
    Sir, if you don't shut the hell up, I'll punch you.
[04:26] Shinpachi
    I wish I could've brought my sister along.
[04:29] ---
    The Earth from space must be so beautiful.
[04:32] ---
    Kagura-cha...
[04:34] Inspector (Male)
    Ma'am, bringing pets aboard is prohibited.
[04:38] Kagura
    It's not a pet. It's a doll.
[04:42] Inspector (Male)
    Dolls don't pant.
[04:44] Kagura
    No. It's not a doll. It's a humidifier.
[04:47] Inspector (Male)
    Your humidifier smells like rotten meat!
[04:49] Kagura
    Okay, it's a pet.
[04:52] Kagura
    Sadaharu won't cause anyone trouble, and he doesn't bite. I guarantee it.
[04:58] Inspector (Male)
    He's doing it now! He's doing it right next to you!
[05:01] Inspector (Male)
    Sir, are you all right?
[05:05] Sakamoto
    What?
[05:06] Sakamoto
    I was having such a nice nap. Is it already time for my flight?
[05:11] Sakamoto
    My head is throbbing. Guess I drank too much yesterday.
[05:16] Inspector
    No, it's not because you drank too much, it's because something's about to swallow you.
[05:21] Sakamoto
    I'm covered with sweat.
[05:23] Sakamoto
    Huh? It's bright red...
[05:26] ---
    Oh yeah, I drank tomato juice.
[05:29] Inspector
    Hey! There's a limit to positive thinking!
[05:33] Sakamoto
    I feel heavy. This is definitely a hangover.
[05:37] Inspector
    Hey, are you listening to what I'm saying?
[05:40] Kagura
    Sadaharu!
[05:42] Shinpachi
    What's up with that guy?
[06:05] Cabin Attendant
    Beef or fish?
[06:07] Kagura
    Beef and fish.
[06:09] Cabin Attendant
    What?
[06:10] Kagura
    Beef and fish!
[06:12] Gintoki
    So, Kagura...
[06:14] Gintoki
    I heard Sadaharu got kidnapped by some strange-looking dude?
[06:17] Kagura
    That's right. I don't think I'll be able to enjoy the trip anymore.
[06:22] Kagura
    One more beef and fish.
[06:24] Gintoki
    That's why I told you to leave him with the old lady.
[06:27] Gintoki
    I'll have strawberry milk.
[06:29] Gintoki
    Our trip is ruined from the start.
[06:32] Shinpachi
    What's ruined is your character.
[06:34] Kagura
    But I just couldn't leave Sadaharu behind alone.
[06:37] ---
    Don't you care about Sadaharu, too, Gin-chan?
[06:40] Gintoki
    Don't start bawling again.
[06:43] ---
    It takes all the fun out of it. I wanna go home.
[06:46] In-Flight Announcement
    Passengers, please look out the window on your left.
[06:49] In-Flight Announcement
    What you see is the most beautiful planet in the Solar System, our mother planet, Earth.
[06:55] Kagura
    Wow! It's pretty!
[06:56] Gintoki
    Yeah.
[06:57] Shinpachi
    What do you mean, "Wow"! You're having a good time, aren't you?
[07:01] Gintoki
    Small troubles don't seem to matter anymore.
[07:03] Kagura
    Yeah, It really cleanses your soul.
[07:06] Shinpachi
    You don't want it cleansed!
[07:08] Shinpachi
    The stains on your soul are the good parts you want to keep!
[07:10] Shinpachi
    Good grief...
[07:14] Hijacker A
    Don't move.
[07:16] Older Woman
    Hijackers! We're being hijacked!
[07:19] Hijacker A
    Shut up! Nobody move!!
[07:21] Hijacker A
    As of this moment, our revolutionary forces
SIGN    [Moe Fighting Spirit]
[07:23] Hijacker A
    "Moe Fighting Spirit," has taken over this ship!
[07:25] ---
    We will demand a ransom for your release from the Bakufu government!!
[07:29] Hijacker A
    How dare you indulge yourselves on a leisurely trip through space.
[07:32] ---
    The very least you can do is give up your money and contribute to our action fund!
[07:36] Hijacker A
    Anyone who refuses to give up their money or are too poor,
[07:38] Hijacker A
    will be put to death, no questions asked.
[07:41] ---
    We do this in the name of the Earth!
[07:41] Shinpachi
    We've got trouble. Gin-san... Gin-san.
[07:44] Gintoki
    When I die, I think I'd like a space burial.
[07:47] ---
    It would be like becoming a star myself.
[07:49] Kagura
    Yep, sure would.
[07:50] Shinpachi
    Hey! You both are about to really become stars!
[07:54] Hijacker B
    You there. What're you doing? Were you listening to what we said?
[08:03] Hijacker C
    Damn you!
[08:04] Gintoki
    You're ten years too young to hijack me!
[08:06] Hijacker A
    Don't move!
[08:12] Passengers
    Amazing!
[08:13] ---
    Bravo, Last Samurai!
[08:18] Gintoki
    Huh?
[08:19] Hijacker D
    That was a really stupid move! Die!
[08:28] Sakamoto
    I feel awful.
[08:30] ---
    I forgot to take something for this hangover.
[08:34] Sakamoto
    Huh? Did something happen?
[08:36] Kagura
    Sadaharu!
[08:37] Kagura
    You bastard!
[08:39] Sakamoto
    What?
[08:40] Kagura
    Give Sadaharu back!
[08:45] Kagura
    Sadaharu, I'm so glad you're back!
[08:48] Kagura
    There, there... You must've been so scared!
[08:51] Gintoki
    Th-This guy is...
[08:54] Shinpachi
    Gin-san, do you know this guy?
[08:57] Passengers
    An explosion!
[08:59] Voice
    The explosion came from the cockpit!
[09:01] ---
    The pilot and crew are injured!
[09:07] Hijacker A
    It's all over for you guys.
[09:09] ---
    All traitors who welcomed the Amanto deserve to die.
[09:18] Cabin Attendant
    Passengers! Is there anyone among you who can pilot a spaceship?!
[09:23] Passenger
    I don't care who, just save us!
[09:25] ---
    It's hopeless!
[09:28] Sakamoto
    Ouch! Oww! What're you doing?!
[09:31] Sakamoto
    Who are you?!
[09:32] Sakamoto
    Where're you taking me?
[09:34] Gintoki
    As I remember, you love ships, right? You can pilot one, right?
[09:38] Sakamoto
    How do you know that?
[09:41] Sakamoto
    Huh? I've seen you before...
[09:44] Sakamoto
    Ohh! You're Kintoki! What're you doing here?
[09:49] Sakamoto
    Long time no see, Kintoki! What a strange place to meet.
[09:54] ---
    Sake! Someone bring us some sake!
[09:57] Gintoki
    It's Gintoki! Gintoki!!
SIGN    [Note: Kintama is slang for testicles.]
[10:00] ---
    If I were Kintoki, then the title wouldn't be allowed on TV!
[10:09] Captain
    This the end... I'm the captain... And I'm going down with my ship.
[10:14] Captain
    I'll miss Earth, and everything...
[10:19] Sakamoto
    Huh? Did I step on something?
[10:21] Gintoki
    Hey, hurry up!
[10:23] Sakamoto
    Those guys are crazy to set a bomb on a ship.
[10:27] Shinpachi
    Gin-san, it's not looking good. Everyone's chanting Buddhist mantras.
[10:31] Gintoki
    No need to worry. Leave this in his hands.
[10:35] Gintoki
    His head's empty, but he loves ships more than anyone.
[10:38] ---
    He's traveled all across the Milky Way.
[10:41] Gintoki
    To Tatsuma Sakamoto, flying a ship is like moving his own arms and legs.
[10:47] Sakamoto
    Okay, all set.
[10:50] Sakamoto
    Let's do it!
[10:51] Shinpachi
    You're right. His head is empty.
[10:54] Gintoki
    Hey! Want me to whack you again?
[10:58] Sakamoto
    This is the first time I've had to pilot a ship this big.
[11:00] ---
    I have no idea where to start...
[11:02] Sakamoto
    Where's the ship's wheel?
[11:04] Kagura
    Gin-chan, is this it?
[11:06] Gintoki
    That's certainly not it!
[11:07] Shinpachi
    Let go of the pilot's head! Sorry, mister pilot.
[11:11] Gintoki
    Hey, this isn't good. We're about to crash into a planet!
[11:15] Shinpachi
    Gin-san, here it is!
[11:20] Shinpachi
    Huh? It won't budge.
[11:23] Sakamoto
    Well done, son. Leave the rest to me.
[11:26] Shinpachi
    Don't come near me!
[11:28] Shinpachi
    Weren't you supposed to love ships?
[11:30] ---
    You're totally seasick!
[11:32] Sakamoto
    I love ships, but riding in them makes me puke.
[11:36] Shinpachi
    What a complicated love-hate relationship!
[11:38] Kagura
    Shinpachi, never mind, let me do it!
[11:41] ---
    I wrote an essay in school about how my dream is to become a pilot.
[11:43] Gintoki
    You stay out of this. Forget it. I'll do it. This is just like driving a mo-ped, right?
[11:47] Shinpachi
    No! There's no way I'd leave my life in your hands, even if I had nine lives.
[11:52] Sakamoto
    Hey, hey... Amateurs shouldn't be touching the controls.
[11:57] Sakamoto
    I can see how this is gonna turn out.
[11:58] Sakamoto
    The three of you fighting over the wheel is gonna make it break off.
[12:02] ---
    I've got to prevent that!
[12:10] Sakamoto
    So this is how it turns out!
[12:12] Gintoki
    It's not funny!
[12:27] Sakamoto
    I've made up my mind!
[12:28] ---
    I'm going into space.
[12:31] ---
    If I stay on Earth, crawling around and fighting the Amanto,
[12:35] ---
    I know how the future's going to turn out.
[12:36] ---
    Even as we speak, the Amanto keep coming and coming.
[12:42] ---
    We can't fight the tide of change.
[12:45] Sakamoto
    Fighting this war is only sending our comrades to their deaths.
[12:50] Sakamoto
    I don't want to see any more of our comrades die.
[12:54] Sakamoto
    From now on, we've got to look at things from a different perspective.
[12:58] ---
    A perspective so high, we can see humans, Amanto, and the whole world at once.
[13:04] Sakamoto
    That's why I'm going into space.
[13:07] ---
    I'll sail huge ships through outer space...and fish for stars.
[13:13] Sakamoto
    How 'bout it, Gintoki?
[13:15] ---
    You're much too good to stay cooped up on this tiny planet.
[13:19] ---
    Come with me...
[13:27] Sakamoto
    Hey, heaven, send a meteor crashing down on this guy's head.
[13:35] ---
    I better watch out.
[13:37] ---
    It's so hot, images of the past flashed by like a revolving lantern.
[13:43] Sakamoto
    At least we managed to survive.
[13:46] Gintoki
    Survive?
[13:48] Gintoki
    How is this "surviving"?
[13:50] Gintoki
    We crash-landed on a planet whose entire surface looks like an old lady's wrinkled butt.
[13:55] Gintoki
    And It's all because you broke the wheel back there.
[13:57] Sakamoto
    Hey, I've already forgotten the past.
[13:59] ---
    Men need only look forward...
[14:02] Gintoki
    Don't play dumb, you hairball!
[14:03] Shinpachi
    Oh come on, it's hot, stop shouting.
[14:08] ---
    Kagura-chan, are you all right?
    The sun is really strong here.
[14:11] Kagura
    I'm okay. I have my umbrella, so I'm fine.
[14:15] Kagura
    But my throat is dry,
[14:17] Kagura
    I think I'll go drink some water at that river there.
[14:21] Shinpachi
    River? No, wait! Don't cross over to the other side!
[14:27] Kagura
    Daddy, give me a break.
[14:30] ---
    I don't care about boxing anymore.
[14:32] ---
    I just want a drink of water.
[14:34] Shinpachi
    Who's your daddy?!
[14:35] ---
    Gin-san, she's not well! Kagura-chan's about to cross the River Styx!
[14:40] Kagura
    Joe, let me off the hook. I'm just an udon guy.
[14:41] Gintoki
    Guess I have no choice...
[14:46] Gintoki
    Pull yourself together, Kagura.
[14:47] Kagura
    All right, Daddy. I'll box to the finish.
[14:51] Gintoki
    This isn't good. Her eyes are glassy.
[14:54] ---
    I'll let her drink at that river over there.
[14:56] Shinpachi
    You see it, too?!
[14:58] Gintoki
    What're you saying? You guys can't see it?
[15:01] Gintoki
    There's even a flower garden.
[15:03] Sakamoto
    Oh, it's Oryo-chan. Marry me.
[15:06] Shinpachi
    Are all of you hopeless?!
[15:08] Passenger
    What's that?
[15:18] Passengers
    It's a ship!
[15:19] ---
    They've come to rescue us!
[15:20] ---
    We're saved!
[15:33] Sakamoto
    Thanks, Mutsu! You came all this way to get me.
[15:37] Mutsu
    And it'll be the last time I do.
[15:40] ---
    Our ships are for merchant business.
[15:43] ---
    We can't have you, our leader, always getting into trouble.
[15:47] Mutsu
    And, this better be the last time you go wandering off without telling us.
[15:51] Sakamoto
    Forgive me. I love Earth women best, after all.
[15:55] Mutsu
    I hope your balls rot off and you die.
[15:58] Sakamoto
    I'm no match for a Hachikin like you, Mutsu.
[16:01] Shinpachi
    Sakamoto-san, what are these?
[16:02] Sakamoto
    Well...
[16:04] Sakamoto
    They're the "Kaientai" fleet I put together.
[16:08] Sakamoto
    But they're not for battles.
[16:11] ---
    This fleet is my company.
[16:13] Shinpachi
    Company?
[16:15] Sakamoto
    That's right. We use these ships to engage in big business.
[16:19] Sakamoto
    We travel to numerous planets, buying and selling merchandise.
[16:22] Sakamoto
    In other words, we're traders.
[16:24] Sakamoto
    But recently, space has gotten dangerous,
[16:27] Sakamoto
    so as a self-protective measure, we've armed ourselves with these.
[16:29] Shinpachi
    Sakamoto-san, so you're not such a loser after all.
[16:34] Sakamoto
    "Loser"? Can l go cry now?
[16:36] Sakamoto
    It's not military might and ideology that motivates people...it's profit!
[16:40] ---
    Our business profits both humans and Amanto.
[16:44] ---
    It helps ease tensions between the two.
[16:46] ---
    I'm trying to protect our country with my own methods.
[16:51] Shinpachi
    That's impressive.
[16:53] Shinpachi
    Our boss is always so wrapped up in himself.
[16:57] Sakamoto
    He's harder to pin down than me.
[17:00] Sakamoto
    But a man who attracts people to him possesses something special.
[17:06] Sakamoto
    You too, were drawn to something he has inside. Isn't that right?
[17:11] Shinpachi
    I'm not sure what it is about him...
[17:14] ---
    But...
[17:17] Shinpachi
    Huh? What? What the? I don't believe it.
[17:20] Sakamoto
    I think the heat has finally gotten to me. I'm seeing strange things.
[17:24] Shinpachi
    Sakamoto-san!
[17:26] Sakamoto
    Never mind. Never mind. It's just a hallucination.
[17:28] Shinpachi
    Uh...but, uh...
[17:29] Sakamoto
    It's okay. Let it be.
[17:31] Sakamoto
    It's a hallucination.
[17:33] Shinpachi
    Sakamoto-san!
[17:34] Crewman A
    What is that?!
[17:36] Crewman B
    A monster!
[17:37] Shinpachi
    What in heaven's name is that?
[17:38] Mutsu
    That's a Sand Bug.
[17:41] Mutsu
    It's at the top of the food chain in this planet's ecosystem.
[17:44] ---
    It's usually docile. It must have woken up from all that commotion we made.
[17:49] Shinpachi
    What? Now just a minute!
[17:50] Shinpachi
    How can you be so calm when your boss is in mortal danger?
[17:54] Mutsu
    This is what he gets for always going off and doing things on his own.
[17:57] ---
    Sand Bug! Give that mop-head a good beat down!
[18:01] ---
    Pay special attention to his jewels!
[18:03] Shinpachi
    What? What have you got against him?
[18:07] Sakamoto
    I'm not going to die here!
[18:14] Sakamoto
    Everybody get away!
[18:37] Shinpachi
    H-Here it comes!
[18:47] Mutsu
    It's trying to drag the whole ship down into the sand!
[18:51] Shinpachi
    What?!
[18:52] Sakamoto
    The cannons! Send it a greeting with the cannons!
[18:55] Shinpachi
    If we do that, Sakamoto-san, you'll be killed, too!
[18:57] Sakamoto
    Don't worry about me!
[18:59] Shinpachi
    B-But Sakamoto-san!
[19:02] Mutsu
    Ready cannons!
[19:04] Crewman A
    Ready cannons!
[19:06] Crewman B
    Ready cannons!
[19:08] Shinpachi
    Do you want to kill Sakamoto-san? He's your boss!
[19:13] Mutsu
    Never lose sight of your duty.
[19:15] Mutsu
    We can't endanger the passengers just to save him.
[19:20] ---
    Right now, my duty is to save the lives of the passengers.
[19:23] Mutsu
    He always said, "Never lose sight of your duty."
[19:27] Mutsu
    He's a man who left the Anti-Foreigner war and his comrades behind and headed into space.
[19:31] ---
    Do you know why he was able to do that?
[19:35] Mutsu
    Duty.
[19:36] ---
    He always looked to the future...beyond the battle in front of him.
[19:39] ---
    And he made the tough decision to labor for the good of his country.
[19:44] Mutsu
    We gathered together, drawn by his vision.
[19:47] ---
    That's why, even now, I cannot flout his principles.
[19:52] Crewman A
    Cannons are ready!
[19:55] Mutsu
    Fire!
[20:03] Mutsu
    Plus, he's not the kind of guy who'd die from of something like this.
[20:07] Shinpachi
    No, no, no! I'm telling you, he's going to die.
[20:11] Shinpachi
    No matter how you think about it, he's going to die!
[20:17] Crewman B
    The Sand Bug is escaping under the sand!
[20:20] Crewman B
    No! Sakamoto-san is going to be...!
[20:22] Crewman A
    Kill it before it burrows under!
[20:24] Different Crewman B
    Save Sakamoto-san!
[20:30] Gintoki
    It's burrowing because you scared it with all that shooting.
[20:35] Gintoki
    Before you "Do Your Duty"... Remember your manners...
[20:38] Shinpachi
    Gin-san!
[20:39] Mutsu
    Look who's talking!
[20:42] Gintoki
    Tatsuma! You spun a good story about saving the planet, but is this where it ends?
[20:47] Gintoki
    Were you just all talk? Look at me.
[20:52] Gintoki
    I'm living my life on my own terms!
[20:58] Sakamoto
    I see...
[21:00] Sakamoto
    I thought if you were with me, star fishing would be fun...
[21:04] Gintoki
    Sorry about that.
[21:05] Gintoki
    I may not show it all the time, but I like Earth.
[21:09] Gintoki
    Go off to space or anywhere you want and stir things up.
[21:12] ---
    Fishing for small fries doesn't suit you.
[21:15] Gintoki
    Get a humongous net, cast it into space and snag a whole planet.
[21:20] Sakamoto
    What're you going to do now?
[21:23] Gintoki
    Me? Well, let's see...
[21:26] Gintoki
    I'll take it easy and cast my net right here.
[21:30] Gintoki
    Maybe I'll catch a shooting star or something... Then release it into the sky.
[21:38] Sakamoto
    Yeah, that's what he said...
[21:41] ---
    Who knows what goes on in that guy's head.
[21:46] Sakamoto (M)
    But it's because you stayed that I was able to journey into space.
[21:51] Sakamoto (M)
    You stayed on Earth, so I could move forward without looking back.
[21:58] ---
    Thank you...
[22:04] Sakamoto (M)
    Gintoki...
[22:06] Sakamoto (M)
    If you fish me up...every time I fall to the ground...
[22:12] Sakamoto (M)
    I'll keep on flying
[22:14] Sakamoto (M)
    ...into the stars!
[22:22] Crewman B
    It's Sakamoto-san!
[22:23] Crewman B
    Sakamoto-san is alive!
[22:28] Mutsu
    That was reckless.
[22:30] Mutsu
    He was almost swallowed up himself.
[22:32] ---
    What was that man thinking?
[22:34] Shinpachi
    You said it. What were those two thinking?
[22:38] Kagura
    What were they thinking? They weren't thinking at all.
[22:46] Shinpachi
    But...
[22:48] Shinpachi
    is there something that only they can see...?
SIGN    
[24:26] Gintoki
    Good evening, I'm Pako.
[24:29] Gintoki
    I'm working at a place called the Girly Boy Club.
[24:32] ---
    Please come in, everyone.
[24:33] Gintoki
    Why am I doing this?!
[24:35] ---
    Zura, you too?!
[24:36] Gintoki
    The next episode: "Cute Faces Are Always Hiding Something."
SIGN    [One of the four Royals of Kabukicho, the Demoness Mademoiselle Saigo.]
SIGN    [Girly Boy Club is now open for business! Our new girls are Pako and Zurako.]
SIGN    [Kintama]
[24:53] Gintama
    It's listed!