E96 - "If You're A Man, Don't Give Up"

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    [Thursday Night Movie Theater right after these messages!!]
[00:01] Umibozu
    Men, don't give up!
SIGN    [Will our savior come to this dying planet?]
[01:11] Opening Creditskai
    It...
[01:12] Kai
    suddenly appeared beneath our feet...
[01:20] Kai
    What were they? Were they living creatures? Were they man-made?
[01:26] Kai
    Or was it something else entirely?
[01:29] Kai
    Before we could find out...
[01:30] Kai
    half of us were wiped out.
[01:35] Kai
    It split and multiplied at an incredible rate.
[01:39] Kai
    It instantly covered the world. By the time we figured out what it was...
[01:45] Kai
    The planet was no longer ours.
[01:49] Kai
    The only thing we learned...
[01:53] Kai
    was that it was neither alive nor man-made. It was "Despair" itself.
[01:59] Kai
    We were on the brink of annihilation.
[02:04] Ivanov
    So this is the place.
[02:06] ---
    Do you think The Savior will come?
[02:08] Kai
    If he doesn't come, we'll be destroyed.
[02:11] Kai
    Not just the planet, but us too.
[02:16] Ivanov
    Come on. There are humans still living underground.
[02:21] Kai
    They've given up fighting and left the surface to "it."
[02:24] Kai
    They're just trembling in the dark soil.
[02:27] Kai
    Just like rotting corpses in a cemetery.
[02:30] Ivanov
    Captain, that's cruel.
[02:33] Ivanov
    Are you saying that women and children should fight monsters?
[02:37] Ivanov
    It destroyed the Royal Armed Forces in just twelve hours.
[02:41] Kai
    It hasn't been destroyed. You and I are still here.
[02:45] Kai
    Everyone fights the enemies that suit them.
[02:49] Kai
    Even women and children have things they can do. We do, too.
[02:53] Ivanov
    Like remain on the surface and partake in guerrilla warfare?
[02:58] Ivanov
    We won't be able to keep that up. I hope our savior gets here quickly.
[03:05] Ivanov
    I'm not sure if he's the legendary space-traveling janitor, or the strongest alien buster...
[03:10] ---
    But I doubt he has the power to determine the fate of a country by himself.
[03:16] Ivanov
    Even if that legendary savior did exist...
[03:21] Ivanov
    The nation and the army have already collapsed.
[03:25] ---
    Do you think such a person would come to the aid of two volunteer soldiers who can't offer any reward?
[03:31] Kai
    If he doesn't come, you and I will just die.
[03:34] Ivanov
    Captain, if I die, my wife and children underground will die, too.
[03:38] Kai
    They'll get insurance, right?
[03:40] Ivanov
    I won't ever commit suicide with you.
[03:45] Ivanov
    Captain, it's here!
[03:47] Ivanov
    It isn't the savior. It's a welcoming party.
[03:49] Ivanov
    Oh well. I'll distract them.
[03:52] ---
    Women and children should leave...
[03:54] Ivanov
    and clean up the underground.
[03:57] Kai
    Ivanov...
[03:59] Ivanov
    I said I had no intention of committing suicide with you, captain.
[04:02] Kai
    No way!
[04:04] ---
    A superior officer's orders are absolute.
    I won't let you die without my permission!
[04:07] Ivanov
    We don't have any superior officers, let alone an army!
[04:15] Kai (Mono)
    Even if I'm crushed by despair,
    we must never forget...
[04:19] Kai (Mono)
    Where there is light, there are shadows and where there are shadows, there is light.
[04:24] Kai (Mono)
    No matter how dark the despair, there is...
[04:40] Kai (Mono)
    ...hope shining bright!
[04:55] Umibozu
    Sorry to keep you waiting.
[04:59] Umibozu
    Are you the volunteer army that called me?
[05:05] Kai (Mono)
    Our planet, which has long been trapped in darkness...
[05:10] Umibozu
    Oh, sorry. I haven't introduced myself.
[05:13] Kai (Mono)
    ...has finally seen the dazzling light of dawn...
[05:16] Umibozu
    My name is...
[05:18] Umibozu
    Umibozu.
[05:22] Umibozu
    What's wrong? Is there something on my face?
[05:27] Kai
    No.
[05:27] Ivanov
    It's nothing...
[05:29] Kai
    A toupee.
[05:30] Ivanov
    Umibozu is wearing a toupee.
[05:35] Kai
    Ivanov, don't stare at it like that.
[05:38] Kia
    Act like you don't notice it.
    Pretend you don't know.
[05:42] Kia
    The fate of our planet depends on this man.
[05:45] Ivanov
    Well... But captain... That...
[05:48] Ivanov
    It's totally obvious... It's even sliding off...
[05:51] Ivanov
    There's just nylon on his head.
[05:55] Kai
    Ivanov, hold it in. You saw his strength, right?
[05:58] Kai
    That man...
[06:00] Kai
    is our only hope.
[06:01] Kai
    Even if he's wearing a toupee, he's invincible.
[06:03] Kai
    It's all over if we embarrass him and he leaves.
[06:05] Ivanov
    O-Okay. It's all right. I can do this...
[06:09] Ivanov
    This mission is way easier than that Apache landing operation five years ago.
[06:15] Ivanov
    W-We've been waiting for you, Umibozu-san.
[06:17] Ivanov
    I never thought I'd get to meet a living legend.
[06:20] Kai
    We never thought you'd really come.
    I'm grateful for your help.
[06:24] Kai
    I'm Kai.
[06:26] ---
    This is Ivanov. Pleased to meet you.
[06:29] Umibozu
    I never expected this country to change so much in just three years.
[06:33] Umibozu
    What in the world happened?
[06:35] Ivanov (Mono)
    What made your head change so much?
[06:39] Kai
    Three years ago, a giant black sphere erupted from the ground.
SIGN    [Note: A similar plot device was used in the anime Space Pirate Captain Harlock.]
[06:44] ---
    Countless spheres grew from it and it rapidly covered the surface of the world.
[06:50] Ivanov
    Half of this country's population has fallen victim to it.
[06:55] ---
    Our army desperately fought it,
[06:57] ---
    but after a bald battle, we were almost completely wiped out.
[07:00] Umibozu
    Huh? Bald?
[07:02] Ivanov
    Huh? B...No, I said, "bold battle." You're mistaken. No, no, no.
[07:06] Ivanov
    You're mistaken. It's not like that.
[07:08] Umobozu
    Huh? If it's not, then what is it?
[07:11] Ivanov
    I told you, I said "bold," not "bald"...
[07:13] Umibozu
    Hey! This time, you said "bald." You called me bald just now.
[07:17] Ivanov
    No, no, no. I didn't do that.
[07:20] Umibozu
    Well, I don't mind. I'm not bald... I have a head full of hair...
[07:25] Umibozu
    I don't mind, but people who are bald don't like bad jokes like that.
[07:32] Umibozu
    Apologize to all the bald people in the country.
[07:36] Ivanov (Mono)
    He's so sensitive. This man's feelings are like glass.
[07:39] Ivanov (Mono)
    I've got to be careful about words that sound like "bald."
[07:42] Ivanov
    I-I'm very sorry...
[07:43] Ivanov (Mono)
    Why?! If he's so sensitive, why does he wear such a bad toupee?!
[07:48] Umibozu
    It's a bit odd for you to apologize to me.
[07:51] ---
    I have a head full of hair.
[07:54] Umibozu
    Well, that's fine. Anyway, there's no point in arguing, so let's get going.
[07:59] Umibozu
    Are we riding in this?
[08:05] Kai
    I wonder if it's going to rain tomorrow...
[08:06] Ivanov
    I hate that... I have nowhere to hang my laundry...
[08:10] Ivanov (Mono)
    He totally stepped into that one! We didn't see it. We didn't see anything.
[08:19] Kai
    I wonder if it's all right now.
[08:21] Ivanov
    We should give him time to put it on properly.
[08:24] Ivanov
    Then we won't have to worry about how bad it looks.
[08:27] ---
    Let's wait a little longer.
[08:37] Ivanov (Mono)
    Why does it look even more unnatural after he fixed it?
[08:41] Ivanov (Mono)
    What's the meaning of this?
    What was he thinking?
[08:44] ---
    What kind of hair style is he after?!
[08:46] Ivanov (Mono)
    No, this is definitely weird!! I can't look directly at him anymore.
[08:49] Ivanov (Mono)
    His toupee has lost all purpose!!
    It's obvious he's bald now!!
[08:53] Ivanov (Mono)
    Captain, are we going to take him like this?
[08:55] ---
    This is bad.
[08:56] ---
    This is really bad.
[09:09] Kai
    Everyone, listen up!!
[09:13] Kai
    Why not put an end to living like moles in this filthy shelter?!
[09:18] Kai
    "It" has taken the surface from us, and we've lived for three years in humiliation!
[09:23] Kai
    The time to rally together is now!!
[09:25] Kai
    Our volunteer army has managed to summon the help of an invincible hero.
[09:30] Kai
    We've got the heroic living legend Umibozu!!
[09:38] Man A
    Tsk! Kai's blabbering off her speeches again.
[09:41] ---
    There's no way that Umibozu would come here.
[09:44] Man B
    Who's that man with the strange head?
    Where did you get that faker?
[09:49] Umibozu
    Whose head are you calling fake?!
[09:51] Ivanov
    They didn't say that!! No one said that!! Captain, stop him!!
[09:57] Kai
    With his help, we can be victorious!!
[10:01] Kai
    Everyone, please, let's work together!
[10:04] Kai
    The surface... This planet...
[10:07] Kai
    We will defend it ourselves!!
[10:09] Child
    Mom, you're only carrying sis...that's not fair.
[10:12] Umibozu
    Bare?! Whose head is bare?!
[10:14] Ivanov
    I told you, you're hearing things!!
[10:23] Man A
    It's a toupee!! He's wearing a toupee!!
[10:26] Man C
    What kind of hero wears a toupee?!
    Come up with a better story!!
[10:32] Kai
    Everyone, wait!! Listen to what I have to say!!
[10:36] Kai
    Everyone!
[10:37] ---
    Everyone!!
[10:50] Ivanov
    Sorry.
[10:51] Ivanov
    We embarrassed you...
[10:53] ---
    We didn't mean it. Please forgive us.
[10:58] Ivanov
    Are you leaving?
[10:59] Umibozu
    You're done, right? Sorry I wasn't a good lure.
[11:04] Umibozu
    Of course, it was better for you if you didn't lure anyone.
[11:09] ---
    You knocked my toupee off on purpose, didn't you?
[11:13] Ivanov
    Oh, you noticed. I underestimated you.
[11:17] Ivanov
    Now, my captain will calm down a bit.
[11:20] Ivanov
    She should give up any ideas of saving the planet from that monster.
[11:27] Ivanov
    This planet will be destroyed no matter what we do.
[11:30] Umibozu
    You're all talk. You don't even struggle.
[11:33] Ivanov
    It's useless to struggle.
[11:36] Ivanov
    If you want to see why, go to the surface and crush that giant bowling ball
[11:40] Ivanov
    my captain hates so much.
[11:43] Ivanov
    If you do that, this planet will still end.
[11:47] Ivanov
    It's the planet itself.
[11:53] Ivanov
    Our enemy is the very planet we're standing on.
[11:57] Ivanov
    Even if we defeated it, this planet will be destroyed.
[12:01] Ivanov
    It's the Atlas control system. It's the life of this planet.
[12:05] Umibozu
    Is this a man-made planet?
[12:08] Ivanov
    No... There's a control system at its core.
[12:11] Ivanov
    This planet was originally unlivable.
[12:15] Ivanov
    Clean air, rich soil, and clean water were all made possible because of Atlas.
[12:21] Ivanov
    Atlas is a purification system that maintains this planet's environment.
[12:25] ---
    It cultivated things that were good for the planet and eliminated things that were bad.
[12:31] Ivanov
    But Atlas maintained the planet's balance for only a short while.
[12:36] ---
    The population increased, resources were used up,
[12:40] ---
    and the life of the planet was turned into money.
[12:43] ---
    The land soon became barren, the sky became stagnate,
[12:46] ---
    and the planet became a world of sand.
[12:49] Ivanov
    You know why Atlas revolted against humans, right?
[12:55] Ivanov
    It sees humans as a harmful threat to the planet.
[12:58] Ivanov
    It considers us as enemies.
[13:01] Ivanov
    Our devastated military said that it was a mysterious invader
[13:04] Ivanov
    made of an unknown material... But there were those who knew.
[13:12] Ivanov
    We'll be wiped out if we don't do anything.
[13:14] ---
    But even if we fight Atlas and destroy it, this planet will still be wiped out.
[13:19] ---
    Our only path is the path to extinction.
[13:23] Ivanov
    That's why no one wants to fight.
[13:26] Ivanov
    Even if we did, it wouldn't change anything.
[13:29] ---
    No, even if they did fight Atlas, there's probably no way they could destroy it.
[13:36] Umibozu
    So they've chosen to slowly rot here rather than be wiped out in battle.
[13:41] Umibozu
    Aside from that girl...
[13:44] Ivanov
    My captain has no intention of perishing.
    She still hasn't given up hope.
[13:48] Ivanov
    She'll probably fight even if she's alone.
[13:55] Ivanov
    I can't keep this up any longer.
[13:57] Ivanov
    I was helping her with guerrilla attacks to defend the shelter...
[14:02] Ivanov
    But what can I gain by fighting? This planet is no good. I can't live here anymore.
[14:08] Ivanov
    Even if we win, we'll only perish.
[14:11] Ivanov
    What is my captain fighting for?
[14:15] Man D
    It's an enemy attack!
[14:18] Man B
    It's here!
[14:19] Man B
    It's finally discovered the shelter!!
[14:22] Old Man A
    It's over!! We're finally finished!!
[14:37] Leader A
    It's Kai!
[14:39] Leader A
    Kai is retaliating by herself!
[14:42] Umibozu
    What are you doing?
[14:44] Umibozu
    Why aren't you going to help her?
[14:46] Umibozu
    Don't you know what she's fighting to defend?
[14:50] Leader A
    It's hopeless... Even if we fight...
[14:56] Umibozu
    It looks like it's not just the planet that's already finished. It's you.
[15:07] Kai
    Tsk!
[15:28] Ivanov
    Captain, hold on!!
[15:32] Kai
    The seedling...
[15:35] Kai
    Is the seedling all right?
[15:44] Umibozu
    She was...
[15:46] Umibozu
    Growing a seedling in such a dry land...
[15:56] Umobozu
    That's...
[16:04] Man B
    It's a rescue convoy!
[16:06] Man A
    Yeah! They've finally come for us!
[16:09] Man A
    They said we're the only ones on this planet!
    They said they'll let all of us get on!!
[16:15] Man C
    All right!! We're saved!!
[16:20] Man B
    We can finally say goodbye to this planet!!
[16:30] Kai
    I'm not going.
[16:32] Ivanov
    C-Captain, what are you saying?
[16:35] Kai
    I said that I'm going to stay on this planet and fight until the end.
[16:39] Ivanov
    What's the point of fighting any longer?
[16:42] Ivanov
    You should already know.
    This planet is no good.
[16:46] Ivanov
    It's all dried up. Grass and trees won't grow.
[16:48] Ivanov
    Furthermore, Atlas has gone haywire.
[16:50] Ivanov
    We can't live on this planet anymore!!
[16:53] Kai
    What good will come of running away?
[16:54] ---
    Are you going to ruin the next planet you run away and escape to?
[16:58] ---
    Are you going to keep on repeating that?
[17:01] Kai
    If the land is dry, we can pour water.
[17:05] Kai
    If flowers don't bloom, we can plant seeds.
[17:08] Kai
    We've been relying too much on Atlas.
[17:11] Kai
    Did we ever think of doing something about the planet ourselves?
[17:16] Kai
    Have we ever fought to protect this planet?
[17:21] Ivanov
    I don't understand large-scale things like planets.
[17:25] Ivanov
    But I have a wife and children to protect.
[17:30] ---
    I have to live even if I have to discard my planet.
[17:35] Ivanov
    I cannot commit suicide with you and this planet.
[17:38] ---
    Farewell, captain.
[17:42] Umibozu
    You're all alone now.
[17:45] Kai
    It's all right.
[17:46] ---
    Everyone is fighting their own battles.
    He's just headed to his.
[17:53] Umibozu
    Where are you fighting?
[17:56] Umibozu
    You're continuing to fight an enemy that will destroy the planet if you defeat it.
[17:59] ---
    You won't even quit when everyone is gone from the planet.
[18:04] ---
    What are you fighting for?
[18:06] Kai
    We've bound this planet with the chains called Atlas and treated it poorly.
[18:15] Kai
    Even if it's of no use anymore,
[18:17] Kai
    we can't just fling it into a corner of space chained up.
[18:21] Kai
    Someone has to release this planet from the curse of Atlas.
[18:25] Umibozu
    Even if it leads to its destruction?
[18:29] Kai
    It won't be destroyed.
[18:31] Kai
    If we support this planet in place of Atlas, seedlings are sure to grow...
[18:36] Kai
    In this dry land.
[18:45] Umibozu
    In other words, you don't give up easily?
[18:49] Kai
    I just hate to lose. I don't want to run away from battle.
[18:53] Kai
    I think the meaning of living is to fight.
[18:56] Kai
    If you turn your back on your battles,
    you're just as good as dead.
[19:01] Kai
    I want to be a good person until the end.
[19:04] Kai
    Even if the planet is destroyed tomorrow,
    I will not forfeit my honor.
[19:08] ---
    I will be noble and beautiful until the end. I will do what I think is right.
[19:14] Kai
    I will not lose to myself, even in the end.
[19:17] Umibozu
    You're just like her.
[19:20] Umibozu
    My daughter. Or perhaps them...
[19:32] Umibozu
    Sorry, captain.
[19:34] Umibozu
    I don't want you to die.
[19:37] Umibozu
    Don't worry. You're already more than beautiful enough.
[19:43] Umibozu
    You can be my witness.
[19:49] Ivanov
    Thanks...
[19:50] Umibozu
    Take her away.
[19:53] Ivanov
    Umibozu-san, what about you?
[19:56] Umibozu
    Huh?
[19:57] Umibozu
    I'm going to get my toupee.
[20:08] Umibozu
    Kagura-chan, something's changed in your father.
[20:13] Umibozu
    I've opened a strange door that I would've never opened before.
[20:18] Umibozu
    Something's happened ever since I went to earth.
[20:24] Umibozu
    Your father... Your father...
[20:30] Umibozu
    Is going to crush a planet...
[20:33] Umibozu
    for the sake of a woman!!
[20:37] Umibozu
    I'm one hip, bad daddy!
SIGN    [Note: The term he uses, "Choiwaru Oyaji" is a fashion term used to describe "hip" middle-aged men.]
[20:45] Umibozu
    Keep this a secret from your mother!!
[21:07] Ivanov
    What happened?
[21:09] Ivanov
    In just three months...
[21:12] Kai
    It has to be him.
[21:14] Ivanov
    He couldn't have done it by himself...
[21:22] Ivanov
    He destroyed a planet for the sake of a woman.
[21:26] Kai
    No... He probably has his own battles.
[21:32] Kai
    And, look.
[21:37] Kai
    It's not destroyed.
[21:40] Kai
    It's still alive.
[21:48] Umibozu (Mono)
    Even if you're crushed by despair...
[21:50] ---
    You must never forget that where there is light,
[21:54] ---
    there are shadows and where there are shadows, there is light.
[21:56] ---
    No matter how dark the despair, there is hope shining bright!
[22:03] Umibozu
    Men, don't give up!!
[22:06] Umibozu
    No matter how barren you are, you'll grow hair.
[22:08] Narrator
    A hair restorer for men who don't give up the fight!! Atlas Neo!
SIGN    [Atlas Neo]
SIGN    
    
    
    
SIGN    
    
SIGN    
    
    
    
SIGN    
    
SIGN    
    
    
    
    
[22:13] Narrator
    It's a purifying hair restorer that sends nutrients to your hair roots and removes excess oils.
[22:18] Narrator
    Atlas Neo!!
SIGN    [Atlas Neo]
[22:21] Umibozu
    Say goodbye to toupees!
SIGN    [A present for everyone!]
[22:24] Narrator
    If you order now, you'll get a cell phone strap of the legendary hunter Umibozu's favorite umbrella!
[22:30] Umibozu
    Men, don't give up!!
SIGN    [Odd Jobs Gin]
[22:33] Shinpachi
    How long is this commercial?!
[22:35] Gintoki
    You've got to be kidding!
[22:36] Gintoki
    A thirty minute hair restorer commercial?!
[22:39] Gintoki
    And why is this baldy in a commercial?!
    Give us back our screen time!
[22:42] Umibozu
    Men, don't give up!
[22:44] Shinpachi
    - You're being a pest! Give up already!!
    - You're being a pest! Give up already!!
SIGN    
[24:16] Catherine
    I was quite famous long ago.
    I traveled to all the galaxies.
[24:20] Gintoki
    You liar. You're exaggerating, aren't you?
[24:24] Gintoki
    The next episode... "Exaggerate the Tales of Your Exploits by a Third, so Everyone Has a Good Time."
SIGN    [In the other half, Kagura becomes a mini Gin-san?! "Men Have a Weakness for Girls Who Sell Flowers and Work in Pastry Shops"]
SIGN    [Lately, I've been really lucky, so I went to a purification with everyone.]