E267 - Even a Matsui Stick Can't Handle Some Kinds of Dirt

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[01:34] Shin
    Due to a twist of fate,
[01:36] Shin
    Gin-san was entrusted with the Universal Clock,
    which controls time across the universe,
[01:39] Shin
    by the Watchmen of Time.
[01:44] Shin
    However, he accidentally destroyed it,
[01:49] Shin
    causing the universe's time to stop.
[01:53] Shin
    As the only ones left unaffected
    by the laws of time,
[01:56] Shin
    we tried to get the world back on track by
[01:58] Shin
    frantically jumping to various
    points in the past and future.
[02:02] Shin
    But not only did we fail to repair the clock,
[02:04] Shin
    we kept ending up in futures where
    someone met an untimely fate.
[02:08] Shin
    Damn it. There's gotta be a way.
[02:12] Shin
    There's gotta be a way to save everyone.
[02:16] Shin
    I know it...
[02:19] Shin
    I'm sure of it!
[02:27] Gen
    You... still have that much strength in you?!
[02:32] Mad
    I'll die with you!
[02:34] Gen
    Let go!
[02:36] Gen
    I'm sorry.
[02:37] Gen
    I'll never pick my nose again!
[02:40] Mad
    I'm not falling for your tricks again!
[02:45] Pic
    Sorry to keep you waiting.
[02:47] Pic
    Are you ready?
[02:49] Mad
    Do it!
[02:51] Gen
    W-Wait!
[02:54] Pic
    Special Beam Attack!
SIGN    Even a Matsui Stick Can't Handle Some Kinds of Dirt
[03:25] Gin
    This is hopeless.
[03:26] Gin
    No matter how many times we try,
    we keep reaching a future where
[03:29] Gin
    either the geezer or Hasegawa-san dies.
[03:31] Shin
    How did the future come to this?!
[03:33] Shin
    Also, they're both dead here!
[03:35] Shin
    What did you even do to reach a future
    where the two of them get pierced
[03:38] Shin
    by a Special Beam Attack?!
[03:40] Gin
    I don't remember the details.
[03:42] Gin
    However, it's quite likely
[03:43] Gin
    that they aren't dying because of the Special
    Beam Attack or getting run over by a truck,
[03:50] Gin
    but because of us.
[03:52] Gin
    Basically,
[03:53] Gin
    the very fact that we came in contact
    with the geezer to get the clock fixed
[03:57] Gin
    raised a death flag for them.
[04:00] Gin
    At that point, we were already en route
    to a future where someone dies.
[04:04] Gin
    After that, it didn't matter if we
    managed to stop the truck or Pccolo.
[04:07] Gin
    We still couldn't prevent their deaths.
[04:10] Gin
    There was only ever one way
    we could save their lives:
[04:13] Gin
    by not coming into contact with them at all.
[04:16] Shin
    D-Does that mean
[04:18] Shin
    there's no way to fix the clock?
[04:22] Shin
    No one but Gengai-san could possibly repair it.
[04:26] Shin
    Are you saying the world will
    stay frozen in place forever?
[04:32] Gin
    No.
[04:33] Gin
    There's one route that lets us save the world.
[04:36] Shin
    Don't tell me...
[04:38] Shin
    The route where Hasegawa-san
    dies instead of Gengai-san?
[04:42] Kag
    But that's too cruel.
[04:44] Shin
    Do you mean to say we have to sacrifice
    someone if we want to save the world?
[04:48] Shin
    Are you telling us to choose
    such a heartless path?!
[04:52] Gin
    I'm not saying anything of the sort.
[04:54] Gin
    If fixing the clock means someone dies,
    then we just won't fix it.
SIGN    The battery is running low. Please replace it.
[05:01] Gin
    We can just replace the battery!
[05:07] Shin
    Gin-san, what are you talking about?
[05:10] Gin
    When I took a closer look at the clock,
[05:12] Gin
    I found one face with a digital display
    that was frozen in this state.
[05:16] Gin
    That means it was never
    broken in the first place.
[05:20] Gin
    It was simply my misunderstanding.
[05:22] Gin
    This clock just has a dead battery!
[05:25] Gin
    Final Attack!
[05:29] Kag
    We should've done this from the start.
[05:32] Kag
    If only this moron were dead,
[05:33] Kag
    we wouldn't be in this situation
    immediately after returning.
[05:36] Kag
    What did we even put in all that effort for?
[05:40] Kag
    We should've checked over the whole clock first.
[05:42] Shin
    Who would've thought it
    just had a dead battery?
[05:45] Shin
    Talk about jumping to conclusions.
[05:47] Kag
    But now, all we need to do
    is replace the battery,
[05:50] Kag
    and nobody but this moron will have to die.
[05:52] Kag
    The world will start operating like normal again.
[05:54] Shin
    That said, why does the clock that controls
[05:57] Shin
    the entire universe's time run on AA batteries?
[06:00] Kag
    That was no ordinary AA battery.
[06:03] Kag
    It seemed like a type that'd
    be hard to find on Earth.
[06:07] Shin
    That's why we're going back to
    the scene of the crash, right?
[06:10] Shin
    The Watchmen of Time who
    were protecting this clock
[06:13] Shin
    might have some extra batter—
[06:17] (Flashback) C
    Roger that!
[06:18] (Flashback) C
    Hey, clear the way!
[06:20] (Flashback) C
    Casualty coming through!
[06:23] Shin
    Wh-What?
[06:25] Shin
    The Shinsengumi are
    investigating the crash site!
[06:28] Kag
    This is bad.
[06:29] Kag
    They might've already taken
    everything away as evidence.
[06:33] Kag
    That's...
[06:35] (Flashback) Oki
    Uh, Hijikata-san, what is that?
[06:38] (Flashback) Hij
    Beats me. Maybe a battery of some sort?
[06:42] Shin
    We found it!
[06:43] Shin
    There's no doubt about it.
[06:44] Shin
    Hijikata-san's holding an extra battery.
[06:46] Kag
    Guess it was just before they took it away.
[06:49] Kag
    Thank goodness. Now the clock—
[06:52] Kag
    Hey, he's frozen with the battery in his hand.
[06:57] Kag
    He's clutching it unbelievably hard!
[06:59] Kag
    I can't even get him to budge!
[07:01] Gin
    Step aside. Your methods are too soft.
[07:04] Gin
    Let go, damn it!
[07:06] Gin
    Instead of the battery, grab
    your own dck or something!
[07:09] Shin
    How is punching him in the face gonna help?!
[07:13] Shin
    And who are you even beating up?!
[07:16] Gin
    What's going on here?
[07:17] Gin
    He's holding on to the battery for dear life.
[07:20] Gin
    Is it a memento of his grandpa?
[07:21] Shin
    Why would his grandpa run on batteries?
[07:23] Shin
    It's just that time's frozen.
[07:25] Shin
    Using force is pointless.
[07:27] Shin
    Oh, I know.
[07:28] Shin
    We just have to move the clock
[07:29] Shin
    a tiny bit forward to a future
    where he lets go of the battery.
[07:32] Gin
    I get it. Good idea.
[07:35] Kag
    Here goes.
[07:38] Hij
    Hey, Kondo-san.
[07:42] Gin
    He's still holding on to it.
[07:44] Shin
    Looks like he took it back with him.
[07:46] Shin
    Let's move time forward a little more.
[07:49] Hij
    Are you stupid?
[07:51] Hij
    The amount of vinegar in it
    is what really matters!
[07:58] Kag
    He still hasn't let go of it.
[08:00] Gin
    Why is he clutching it in his sleep, too?
[08:03] Shin
    Maybe he just forgot he was holding it?
[08:05] Shin
    Let's go a little further.
[08:08] Hij
    Just because it's handmade
    mayonnaise doesn't make it good.
[08:14] Shin
    Let's go a little further.
[08:20] Shin
    A little further.
[08:30] Shin
    He reached the end of his lifespan
    still clutching the battery!
[08:33] Gin
    Hey! What's the meaning of this?
[08:35] Gin
    Why'd his life end without him
    ever letting go of the battery?
[08:38] Gin
    Even in his coffin, he's clutching it!
[08:40] Gin
    In fact, it's filled with batteries!
[08:42] Shin
    Why is this guy so attached to batteries?
[08:45] Shin
    This is harassment!
[08:46] Shin
    He's trying to interfere with us,
    no matter how you look at it!
[08:49] Kag
    Wait, could it be that he was
    running on batteries all along?
[08:53] Gin
    We won't have a chance to get
    the battery back in the future.
[08:56] Gin
    Kagura.
[08:57] Kag
    Gotcha.
[09:05] Gin
    And we're back where we started.
    Well just have to settle things here.
[09:09] Shin
    But how, exactly?
[09:11] Gin
    Doesn't matter how! We've just gotta do it!
[09:14] Kag
    If the three of us work together,
    we should be able to do it!
[09:18] Shin
    It's impossible! I told you,
    using force is pointless!
[09:21] Kag
    Oh, it popped out!
[09:23] Kag
    The battery...
[09:25] Gin
    Or, well, his arm.
[09:26] Shin
    What the hell did you do?!
[09:27] Shin
    This is why I told you to stop!
[09:29] Shin
    Poor Hijikata-san!
[09:31] Shin
    What are we gonna do once
    time goes back to normal?
[09:33] Shin
    What's gonna happen to him?!
[09:34] Gin
    Can you blame us?
[09:35] Gin
    He literally held the fate
    of the world in his hand!
[09:38] Gin
    And now we've got the battery.
[09:41] Kag
    It's no good.
[09:42] Kag
    The battery won't go in
    'cause his fist's in the way.
[09:45] Shin
    In the end, all you've done is
    crush the fate of the world!
[09:48] Gin
    Settle down.
[09:49] Gin
    If we move time forward now,
[09:51] Gin
    surely his arm will lose strength
[09:53] Gin
    and the battery will fall out.
[09:54] Shin
    But then he'd find out that
    his arm was yanked off!
[09:56] Gin
    For now,
[09:58] Gin
    let's replace his arm
[10:01] Gin
    with a Matsui stick or something.
[10:03] Shin
    Why a Matsui stick?!
[10:04] Gin
    Well, this way,
[10:06] Gin
    he can clean the grooves
    of sliding doors, windows,
[10:08] Gin
    and sash windows in the blink of an eye.
[10:10] Gin
    Add some baking soda,
    and the back of the gas stove
[10:13] Gin
    and the corners of the sink
    will be clean and sparkly, too.
[10:16] Gin
    He'll also be able to clean
    spots beyond arm's reach easily.
SIGN    Matsui Stick
[10:20] Gin
    And he won't find out, because things
    will be more convenient for him now.
[10:22] Shin
    I don't know why you're talking about
[10:23] Shin
    things "beyond arm's reach" when
    he doesn't even have an arm!
[10:27] Gin
    All right. Move the clock forward, Kagura.
[10:29] Kag
    Here goes.
[10:31] Oki
    Hijikata-san, what is that?
[10:34] Hij
    Oh, it's a battery-powered
[10:38] Hij
    Super-Electric Matsui Stick RX.
SIGN    Super-Electric Matsui Stick RX
[10:43] Shin
    The battery became a part
    of the Matsui stick!
[10:45] Gin
    What's going on?
[10:47] Gin
    How is he still holding on to the
    battery when his arm's gone?!
[10:49] Gin
    Why has the Matsui stick evolved?!
[10:52] Oki
    So, does it come in handy?
[10:54] Hij
    Yeah.
[10:55] Hij
    It has the power to squeeze out every
    last drop of mayonnaise in a flash.
[11:00] Shin
    Forget evolved, it's regressed!
[11:02] Shin
    This has just made it
    harder to get the battery!
[11:05] Shin
    What do we do?!
[11:08] Gin
    Hey...
[11:09] Gin
    Someone's peeking over that wall at us.
[11:11] Shin
    Elizabeth-san!
SIGN    Look, Katsura-san. A UFO's crashed in the neighboring lot.
[11:13] Shin
    What's he doing there?
[11:15] Shin
    Was he keeping on eye on what his
    enemies, the Shinsengumi, were up to?
[11:21] (Flashback) Zu
    Hey, Elizabeth!
[11:23] (Flashback) Zu
    Don't let your guard down!
    The enemy stands before your eyes!
[11:26] (Flashback) Zu
    If you think you can catch my ultimate pitch,
[11:29] (Flashback) Zu
    let's see you try it!
[11:34] Gin
    Where do these guys think
    they're playing catch?!
[11:36] Gin
    Your enemy really is
    standing before your eyes!
[11:39] Shin
    Were these terrorists playing
    around without even knowing
[11:42] Shin
    the Shinsengumi were in the next lot?
[11:44] Shin
    I guess idiots are just idiots, no matter
    what moment they freeze in!
[11:47] Kag
    But this is convenient.
[11:49] Kag
    I just had a great idea.
[11:51] Kag
    First, we make a Katsura stick.
[11:55] Shin
    Hey! What the hell's a Katsura stick?!
[11:57] Kag
    Then we replace Mayo-guy's Matsui
    stick with the Katsura stick.
[12:02] Shin
    Just how simple is their body configuration?
    What are they, plastic models?
[12:07] Kag
    Now, if we just stick the Matsui
    stick here and move time forward,
[12:11] Kag
    we can manipulate him into throwing
    the battery as part of playing catch!
[12:15] Shin
    Manipulate him, my ass!
[12:16] Shin
    It's obvious he'll get freaked out
    that his arm is now a Matsui stick!
[12:22] Kag
    We can just return everything to normal
[12:24] Kag
    once we get the battery and
    get the clock running again.
[12:27] Kag
    On that note,
[12:28] Kag
    play ball!
[12:44] Shin
    The Matsui stick is way too powerful!
[12:58] Shin
    The Matsui stick is way too powerful!
[13:01] Shin
    It's turned most of this
    place into scorched earth!
[13:03] Shin
    Forget catch, the ball's pierced
    through everything, never to return!
[13:07] Shin
    What exactly happened here?
[13:10] (Flashback) Zu
    Hey, Elizabeth!
[13:12] (Flashback) Zu
    Here I come!
[13:15] (Flashback) Zu
    Eat this...
[13:17] (Flashback) Zu
    My ultimate pitch!
[13:27] (Flashback) Zu
    See that?
[13:28] (Flashback) Zu
    This is my Matsui Cyclone!
[13:33] Kag
    That wasn't even a pitch.
    It was just a Rocket Punch.
[13:36] Gin
    How'd he get used to the Matsui stick and
    master its use in a matter of seconds?
[13:40] Shin
    That aside, where's the battery?
[13:42] Shin
    Just how far did the Matsui stick go?
[13:44] Shin
    Don't tell me it disintegrated
    while holding the battery.
[13:48] Gin
    Wait! What's that floating over there?
[13:51] Shin
    There it is!
[13:52] Shin
    Thank goodness. The battery's fine—
[13:56] Kyu
    Otae-chan, look out!
SIGN    Wham
[14:02] Shin
    It's not fine at all!
[14:04] Shin
    Sis!
[14:05] Shin
    Oh my God!
[14:06] Shin
    This is the moment it hit my
    sister's head at full speed!
[14:09] Gin
    This is bad.
[14:10] Gin
    If we don't do something,
    the Matsui stick and the battery
[14:12] Gin
    will be blown to smithereens
    in the next 0.001 seconds!
[14:14] Shin
    Worry about my sister instead!
SIGN    Wham
[14:17] Gin
    We need to find a peaceful resolution.
[14:19] Shin
    It's no use! The Matsui stick's not budging!
[14:22] Shin
    At this rate, my sister will...
[14:24] Gin
    Pachi-boy...
[14:25] Gin
    It's impossible to change the fact
    that she got hit with the punch.
[14:28] Gin
    If we can change something, it's this.
[14:31] Shin
    You broke the SFX!
[14:34] Shin
    What the hell? How'd you do that?!
[14:37] Gin
    "Wham" sounds really painful,
[14:39] Gin
    but look, "ham" doesn't seem
    like such a big deal, right?
[14:43] Shin
    Is that really the issue here?!
[14:45] Gin
    Still not enough, huh?
SIGN    Ham... or something, whatever!
[14:48] Gin
    How about this, then?
[14:49] Shin
    What kind of SFX is that?!
[14:50] Shin
    And how'd you write that in mid-air?!
SIGN    Ham
[14:54] Gin
    In that case...
[14:56] Gin
    Let's go with Ham-san.
[14:57] Shin
    Who the hell is Ham-san?!
[14:59] Shin
    Why is the SFX walking on two legs?!
[15:03] Ham
    Otae-chan, look out!
[15:04] Shin
    Why are you going "Otae-chan, look out"?!
[15:07] Shin
    That's Kyubei-san's line!
[15:09] Gin
    I had Kyubei stay silent this time
[15:12] Gin
    by giving her the bit I broke off earlier,
[15:16] Gin
    in the form of one stick and two balls.
[15:18] Shin
    What in the world are you using it for?!
[15:20] Gin
    I think it'll take just a bit more
    to make this convincing.
[15:25] Ham
    Otae-chan, look out!
[15:27] Gin
    There. This should sweep things under the rug.
[15:29] Shin
    Hey! The SFX the Rocket Punch created
[15:32] Shin
    is trying to stop the Rocket Punch!
[15:34] Shin
    What's even going on here?!
[15:37] Gin
    Ham-san did the best he could.
[15:39] Gin
    Otae shouldn't go blind with rage now.
[15:42] Shin
    Look, nothing's changed!
[15:43] Shin
    The fact that she got hit with
    the Rocket Punch hasn't changed!
[15:46] Gin
    All right. Try moving the
    clock forward, Kagura.
[15:55] Tae
    That's as far back as I can remember.
[15:58] Tae
    I've lost my memories from before
    I got hit with the Rocket Punch,
[16:03] Tae
    but I could never forget the
    gentle voice I heard back then.
[16:10] Kyu
    Congratulations, Otae-chan...
[16:16] Tae
    Yes, the voice I heard back then was Ham's.
[16:21] Tae
    And to this day, it continues to stand
    by my side and gently support me.
[16:27] Shin
    Why?!
[16:29] Kag
    The boss lady looks so pretty!
[16:30] Shin
    But why is she marrying a SFX?!
[16:33] Kag
    Well, it seems like she lost her memories,
[16:36] Kag
    and women are highly susceptible to
    kindness when they're feeling down.
[16:40] Kag
    Way to go, Ham bro!
[16:42] Shin
    Ham bro, my foot!
[16:43] Shin
    I won't stand for this, damn it!
[16:45] Shin
    Also, he's totally become sentient!
[16:49] Gin
    He's a devil created by the frozen time.
[16:51] Gin
    Forcing this world, which can give
    form to SFX and freeze them in place,
[16:55] Gin
    and the original work's highly manga-like
    form of expression into an anime
[16:59] Gin
    must've breathed life into him.
[17:01] Shin
    No, that's a monster you created!
[17:03] Shin
    I won't stand for that marriage! Or that future!
[17:05] Shin
    Hurry up and turn the clock back!
[17:08] Gin
    Screw you. This is our chance to get the battery.
[17:12] Gin
    Kagura, move the clock forward.
[17:13] Kag
    Aye, aye.
[17:16] Pri
    Now, the couple will exchange Rocket Punches,
[17:20] Pri
    for that is what brought you two together.
[17:23] Shin
    Why's the Rocket Punch acting
    like some sort of wedding ring?!
[17:27] Gin
    Rocket Punch and Rocket Punch...
[17:29] Gin
    When they clash, both of their fists will crumble,
[17:32] Gin
    and the battery that's been clutched
    inside all this time will finally pop out!
[17:35] Shin
    That's what exchanging
    Rocket Punches is about?!
[17:38] Shin
    What part of that is a vow
    between a husband and wife?!
[17:40] Gin
    Kagura, just one more push.
[17:42] Kag
    Got it!
[17:47] Shin
    Huh?
[17:48] Ham
    Ham Fist!
[17:49] Shin
    What?
[17:51] Shin
    Wait, that's not exactly a Rocket Punch...
[17:54] Shin
    My sister's using her bare fist!
[17:57] Gin
    There it is!
[17:58] Gin
    The battery finally popped out!
[18:01] Ham
    Ham!
[18:04] Gin
    Now the clock,
[18:05] Gin
    and the world's time, will go back to normal!
[18:08] Gin
    We can make it so everything
    up until now never happened!
[18:12] Gin
    Find it!
[18:13] Gin
    There!
[18:13] Gin
    Where'd it go?!
[18:22] Shin
    Uh...
[18:23] Shin
    Gin-san, this battery...
[18:26] Shin
    It's not AA.
[18:27] Shin
    It's AAA.
SIGN    The battery is running low.
     Please replace it.
SIGN    The battery will run out shortly.
[18:36] Shin
    Oh...
[18:47] Shin
    At that moment,
[18:49] Shin
    the entire universe's time
[18:51] Shin
    truly came to a stop.
[19:05] Ham
    What the ham are you guys
    doing right after returning?
[19:08] Ham
    Don't just leave me here on my own.
[19:10] Ham
    Carrying on a show like this by
    myself is more than I can hamdle.
[19:21] Gin
    Shut up! I've been up for ages already!
[19:25] Gin
    Huh?
[19:26] Gin
    I thought I just heard
    the alarm clock ring...
[19:35] Oto
    I'm only gonna say this once, stupid curly!
[19:37] Oto
    You'll cough up this and last month's rent,
[19:39] Gin
    Whatever.
[19:39] Oto
    and you'll do it right now, even if
    you have to sell your kidneys!
SIGN    The End
SIGN    Urgent Announcement After This!!
SIGN    Begins Shortly
[21:17] Kag
    It seems Mr. Sakata Gintoki has an urgent
    announcement for us after this.
SIGN    Mr. Sakata Gintoki's
    Urgent Announcement
[21:39] Gin
    Can I start now?
[21:41] Gin
    You might have noticed it
    in the opening already,
[21:46] Gin
    but I'd like to take this opportunity
[21:50] Gin
    to present the Gintama anime's
    third season title logo.
[21:55] Gin
    This is the new title logo.
[22:09] Shin
    Uh, excuse me.
[22:11] Shin
    I've been meaning to ask
    about that for a while now...
[22:14] Shin
    Last time, there was an extra
    stroke beside the "tama" part,
[22:17] Shin
    so most people called the
    season "Gintama Dash."
[22:24] Shin
    How is this title supposed to be read?
[22:27] Gin
    Well, we've received similar questions
[22:29] Gin
    from not only our viewers,
[22:31] Gin
    but the production committee, as well.
[22:35] Gin
    You see, this title...
[22:37] Gin
    This is how it's written
SIGN    Gint°ama
[22:40] Gin
    in hiragana.
[22:42] Gin
    I'm sure you understand now.
[22:44] Gin
    So, you there, the bespectacled virgin...
[22:47] Gin
    Read it out for all of us. Go.
[22:50] Shin
    Gindhama?
SIGN    Gint°ama
[22:54] Gin
    You think this is a joke?
[22:55] Gin
    You think this is funny? Huh?
[22:57] Gin
    You got it all wrong.
    Give me a break, seriously.
[23:00] Gin
    Once more, from the top.
[23:01] Gin
    Go.
[23:02] Shin
    Ginphama!
[23:03] Gin
    No! Are you stupid? Die!
SIGN    Gin°tama
[23:06] Gin
    Take a good look.
    You can tell by looking, right?
[23:08] Shin
    Hey! The circle's in a different place now!
[23:11] Gin
    Come on, now.
[23:12] Gin
    Don't blame the circle's position
    for your inability to read.
[23:14] Shin
    But it is its fault!
[23:16] Gin
    Sheesh. This is why your character
    profile has never been revised
[23:18] Gin
    and you're still the same guy from episode one.
[23:21] Shin
    What are you even talking about?
[23:22] Gin
    Forget it.
[23:24] Gin
    In that case...
[23:26] Gin
    All of you viewers at home,
[23:27] Gin
    try reading it aloud.
[23:29] Gin
    Go!
[23:34] Gin
    Okay.
[23:34] Gin
    If that's how you want to pronounce it,
[23:36] Gin
    I don't see why not.
[23:37] Shin
    Knock it off!
[23:39] Gin
    Ghost!
SIGN    Next Episode
[23:40] Yzk
    I think anyone, even if it's the
    producer, who gets in the way
[23:44] Yzk
    of someone else's romance should
    get kicked by a horse and die.
SIGN    An Inspector's Love
    Begins With an Inspection
[23:46] Yzk
    Next Episode: "An Inspector's
    Love Begins With an Inspection."
[23:49] Sign r
    Shinsengumi Inspector
    Yamazaki Sagaru.
[23:49] Sign l
    Character traits include plain,
    badminton, and anpan.
[23:54] Sign r
    And springtime has
    arrived for him, too?!
[23:54] Sign l
    Will his love bear fruit?