E151 - A Conversation With a Barber During a Haircut is The Most Pointless Thing in The World

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    [New TV Show]
SIGN    [Note: Spoof of Episode 3]
[00:04] Shinpachi
    The land of the host.
[00:06] Shinpachi
    There was a time, long ago, when our town was called by that name.
[00:11] Shinpachi
    Those dream-filled Shinjuku skies, upon which Japanese hosts once gazed upon their dreams,
[00:15] Shinpachi
    are now filled with words by hosts from foreign countries.
[00:18] Shinpachi
    However, there were two men.
[00:22] Shinpachi
    The enigmatic vagrant, Gintoki Sakata
[00:25] Shinpachi
    and the former number one host, Shinpachi Buttchin.
[00:30] Shinpachi
    The two of them still run in this corrupt night town.
SIGN    [Note: "Kintama" - homonym for "testicles." Also, "Kin" means "gold" as opposed to "Gin" (silver).]
SIGN    
[00:38] Hosts
    And drink! And drink!
[00:41] Hosts
    Drink until you puke!
[00:43] Hosts
    Drink until you puke!
[00:44] Hosts
    Chug one! Chug two! Chug-a-choo-choo!
SIGN    [Note: Spoof of drinking game./ Original text is Shigeo Nomo, combination of two baseball players Hideo Nomo and Shigeo Nagashima. Nomo sounds like "to drink" in Japanese.]
[00:47] Hosts
    And chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
[00:55] Charismatic Host
    You idiot!
[00:57] Charismatic Host
    I'm so sorry, Erica-sama.
[00:59] Charismatic Host
    Nowadays, even a chimpanzee could do this!
[01:01] Charismatic Host
    Why can't you do this?
[01:03] Shinpachi
    I-I'm sorry.
[01:05] Shinpachi
    Being the number one host is the only thing I've ever done...
[01:12] Charismatic Host
    That number one stuff and your customers are all gone!
[01:16] Charismatic Host
    How long are you going to act as if you're popular? Huh?
[01:20] Leopard Amanto 1
    Come on now.
[01:21] Leopard Amanto 1
    Just leave it at that.
[01:22] Leopard Amanto 1
    Don't bother with the drinks. Just get me a light.
[01:25] Shinpachi
    Oh... All right. Right away.
[01:32] Other Host
    What are you doing, Buttchin?!
[01:33] Leopard Amanto 1
    I can't help but want to mess with him.
[01:39] Shinpachi
    My position and customers have been taken away.
[01:41] Shinpachi
    I have abandoned my pride and everything else.
[01:44] Charismatic Host
    What are you doing, Shinpachi?!
[01:46] Charismatic Host
    I'm so sorry, Miss.
[01:50] Charismatic Host
    You apologize too, you worthless piece of trash!
[01:52] Gintoki
    Hey.
[01:58] Shinpachi
    He was too fierce to be called a host.
[02:03] Shinpachi
    But too focused to be called a customer.
[02:17] Gin
    Where's your restroom?
[02:23] Shin
    He was just passing through!
SIGN    [To Be Continued]
[03:58] Kids
    One, two, three! Go!
[04:07] Kid
    Here!
[04:12] Old Man
    Four mitarashi, right?
SIGN    [Note: Mitarashi are sweet soy sauce flavored dango.]
[04:15] Old Man
    240 yen exactly.
[04:18] Old Man
    Please come again!
SIGN    [Note: Chonmage is the traditional Japanese topknot hairstyle worn from the Edo to Meiji period.]
[04:21] Barber
    Do you know why Chonmage turned into something that involved shaving?
[04:26] Gintoki
    People started growing pimples on the top of their head or something?
[04:29] Barber
    No, no. It was so it wouldn't get too stuffy when they put their helmets on.
[04:34] Barber
    In other words, it's a symbol of how the samurai are always prepared for battle.
[04:38] Barber
    Like the spirit of a samurai.
[04:41] Gintoki
    Spirit, huh...
[04:43] Barber
    But these days, they've given up the Mage hairstyle and the spirit.
SIGN    [Note: Mage is short for Chonmage]
[04:49] Barber
    Now they want their hair all curly or dyed.
[04:52] Barber
    Wouldn't the Land of Samurai be shocked to know?
[04:55] Barber
    It's a disgrace.
[04:57] Barber
    Isn't that right?
[04:59] Barber
    So what'll it be today?
[05:02] Gintoki
    A straight perm.
[05:05] Gintoki
    You never give up, Pops.
[05:07] Gintoki
    You can tell that story for the rest of your life and I still won't ask for a Mage.
[05:10] Gintoki
    A straight perm.
[05:12] Barber
    You never give up, big guy.
[05:14] Barber
    That won't be enough to fix your hair.
[05:16] Barber
    Your twisted personality is twisting your hair.
[05:19] Barber
    Just go with a Mage.
[05:20] Barber
    We have to fix you from the inside.
[05:22] Gintoki
    Cut it out already.
[05:23] Gintoki
    A Mage is the spirit of a samurai?
[05:25] Gintoki
    That's just an excuse those balding oldies came up with.
[05:29] Gintoki
    "This isn't a receding hairline.
[05:30] Gintoki
    It's so I can wear the helmet."
[05:32] Gintoki
    Put a wig on before you wear the helmet, moron.
[05:34] Barber
    You have no idea.
[05:36] Barber
    You don't shave your head so you can put the helmet on.
[05:39] Barber
    You become bald because you're wearing a helmet.
[05:41] Barber
    Bruno na,
SIGN    [Note:Ayrton Senna de Silva, Formula 1 driver]
[05:42] Barber*
    Rubens ******ello...
SIGN    [Note: Rubens Barrichello, Formula 1 driver.]
[05:43] Barber
    Even neuve, famous for being handsome, had a receding hairline after four years in the F1.
SIGN    [Note: Jacques Villeneuve. Also Formula 1 driver]
[05:48] Barber
    Going airtight can lead to scary results.
[05:50] Gintoki
    F1 drivers don't tie their hair back.
[05:53] Barber
    See?
[05:54] Barber
    Not only is Mage part of the identity,
[05:56] Barber
    the whole idea is a kind of practice, where everyone shaves their head so bald people don't feel bad.
[06:01] Barber
    We can all go bald together.
[06:03] Gintoki
    What's that?
[06:05] Gintoki
    Some kind of human instrumentality project?
SIGN    [Note: From Neon Genesis Evangelion]
[06:06] Kagura
    You done yet, Gin-chan?
[06:08] Kagura
    Huh?
[06:09] Kagura
    Hey, what is this?
[06:10] Kagura
    That's not cleaned up at all.
[06:13] Kagura
    He'll have to come get it cut again in no time.
[06:15] Kagura
    Cut it shorter.
[06:17] Kagura
    Master, please give him a buzz cut.
[06:19] Gin
    Mom?!
[06:20] Kagura
    An afro perm works, too.
[06:23] Kagura
    One that takes a really long time.
[06:25] Gintoki
    Why are you trying to read all of Golgo 17?
SIGN    [Note: Spoof of Golgo 13]
[06:28] Gintoki
    Get lost, moron.
[06:29] Gintoki
    This isn't a manga cafe!
[06:30] Kagura
    What?
[06:31] Kagura
    I'm in the middle of the episode "Shen Long".
SIGN    [Note: Dragon god from DRAGON BALL.]
[06:33] Kagura
    Golgo has accepted an offer to fight Shen Long for control of the school!
[06:38] Barber
    Ah, it's fine.
[06:39] Barber
    Read as long as you want.
[06:41] Kagura
    For real?
[06:42] Barber
    Golgo 17 is a wonderful manga.
[06:44] Barber
    You'll become smarter.
[06:45] Barber
    You'll become the prime minister.
SIGN    [Note: The current Prime Minister of Japan, Taro Aso, is known for being big manga fan.]
[06:47] Barber
    But your mouth will become crooked.
[06:48] Kagura
    Can I read Abu-san, too?
[06:50] Barber
    Go ahead.
[06:52] Shinpachi
    Ah, Kagura-chan, you've got some beefy taste in manga.
[06:55] Barber
    Abu-san's another good manga.
[06:57] Barber
    Who would have thought that they could go thirty years just by catching abu.
SIGN    [Note: Abu is horsefly in Japanese. "Abu-san" manga is really about a baseball player. This manga has been serialized in Big Comic Original since 1973.]
[07:01] Barber
    He's already passed his sixtieth birthday.
[07:03] Shinpachi
    I can't even imagine what that manga's about.
[07:05] Barber
    Well, I don't get any customers anyway.
[07:08] Barber
    Feel free to come read whenever you like.
[07:10] Shinpachi
    Business is bad, Pops?
[07:15] Barber
    A new beauty parlor...
[07:17] Barber
    I guess they call them hair salons now?
[07:19] Barber
    Or is it hair cut studios?
[07:20] Barber
    ...was built across the street.
[07:22] Barber
    Ever since, my customers stopped coming.
[07:27] Barber
    I don't know if they've got some charismatic hairdresser or a guy with scissor hands,
[07:31] Barber
    but their business is through the roof.
[07:33] Barber
    They charge outrageous prices while providing half-assed service for their customers.
[07:38] Barber
    A barbershop isn't just for cutting hair.
[07:42] Barber
    It's a place for people to interact with one another.
[07:47] Barber
    In the old days, you could go to a barbershop and learn everything about the town.
[07:50] Barber
    People would gather to have fun.
[07:55] Barber
    I cared more about that aspect than being fashionable or whatnot.
[08:00] Barber
    You can cut through hair, but you can never cut through the bonds between human beings.
[08:04] Barber
    Here, the complete collection of Abu-san.
[08:06] Kagura
    Thanks, Master.
[08:10] Barber
    And in the end, curious fellas like you guys were the only ones that still came around.
[08:16] Barber
    Yeah, the world's become a hard place to live in.
[08:21] Shinpachi
    Pops...
[08:22] Gintoki
    Uh, enough of that crap already.
[08:24] Gintoki
    Could you cut my hair already?
[08:25] Shinpachi
    Don't worry.
[08:27] Shinpachi
    We don't come here for the sole purpose of getting our hair cut.
[08:29] Shinpachi
    We also come to see you, Pops.
[08:31] Barber
    Ooh, you sure know how to make this old man happy.
[08:33] Gintoki
    Right, right.
[08:34] Gintoki
    But we're also here to get our hair cut, so cut my hair.
[08:37] Gintoki
    Human interaction is important.
[08:39] Gintoki
    But...
[08:39] Kagura
    Master, volume 7 of Abu-san is missing.
[08:42] Barber
    What?!
[08:43] Gintoki
    You know, this is a barbershop, so you should cut my hair.
[08:46] Barber
    You're right.
[08:47] Barber
    Abu-san volume 7 is missing!
[08:48] Barber
    What is going on here?!
[08:49] Kagura
    I don't see it anywhere.
[08:51] Barber
    I-Impossible...
[08:52] Barber
    Why volume 7...
[08:53] Gintoki
    Yeah, can you stop talking about Abu-san and cut my hair?
[08:56] Barber
    Then I'll go run and buy volume 7!
[08:58] Barber
    Look after the store for me!
[09:00] Kagura And Shinpachi
    Roger!
[09:00] Gintoki
    Cut my hair!
SIGN    "A conversation with a barber, during a haircut, is the most pointless thing in the world"
[09:16] Gintoki
    Where's Pops?
[09:17] Shinpachi
    He went to buy volume 7 of Abu-san so he should be back soon.
[09:20] Shinpachi
    He told us to look after the store for him.
[09:23] Barber
    Abu-san!
[09:26] Shinpachi
    There probably won't be any customers, so we should be fine.
[09:29] Gintoki
    Why would a barber ditch his customer to go buy Abu-san?
[09:34] Gintoki
    Why do I have to put up with this when I came here to get a haircut?
[09:38] Shinpachi
    Wow, the place across the street is so popular.
[09:41] Shinpachi
    I wonder if there's anything we can do.
[09:43] Shinpachi
    At this rate, this shop will really go out of business.
[09:45] Gintoki
    Well, yeah!
[09:47] Gintoki
    That guy doesn't give a damn about being a barber or human interaction or anything!
[09:51] Gintoki
    He only cares about Abu-san!
[09:54] Shinpachi
    Huh?
[09:55] Shinpachi
    From the back, that looks like...
[09:57] Shinpachi
    It's Kondo-san.
[09:59] Shinpachi
    I wonder what he's doing over there.
[10:02] Kagura
    He's walking back and forth in front of the salon.
[10:05] Gintoki
    What's that gorilla doing?
[10:07] Gintoki
    Don't tell me he wants to get a makeover.
[10:10] Gintoki
    He wants to shed his gorilla skin and become a higher-evolved gorilla?
[10:15] Kagura
    Oh, he's going in.
[10:17] Kagura
    Huh? He turned back.
[10:18] Kagura
    Oh, he's going in.
[10:19] Kagura
    Huh? He's not going in.
[10:21] Kondo
    Huh? Is this the right place?
[10:23] Kondo
    Did I make a mistake...
[10:24] Gintoki
    Hey, look at him.
[10:25] Gintoki
    He's scared stiff.
[10:27] Gintoki
    He came to get a makeover, but the salon's so fancy that he's scared to go in.
[10:31] Gintoki
    Moron.
[10:32] Shinpachi
    That's more sad than pathetic...
[10:35] Shinpachi
    I feel like rooting for him.
[10:36] Kagura
    Oh, an employee came out.
[10:39] Employee
    Do you need something?
[10:41] Kondo
    Ah! Excuse me!
[10:42] Kondo
    I-I heard that a n-new barbershop was built around here!
[10:46] Kondo
    So, I wanted to f-find it!
[10:47] Kondo
    D-Do you know where it is?
[10:49] Kondo
    I-I happen to be d-desperately looking for a new b-barbershop!
[10:51] Kagura
    You know it's the place.
[10:52] Kagura
    Just go in already.
[10:53] Kagura
    Just get to the point.
[10:59] Employee
    I don't know if it's new or not, but there's a barbershop across the street.
[11:03] Gintoki
    He was denied!
[11:05] Gintoki
    He was casually denied access and directed to a different shop!
[11:08] Kagura
    The gorilla was just dissed.
[11:10] Kagura
    You were just dissed, gorilla.
[11:11] Kagura
    Dissed gorilla.
[11:12] Kondo
    Huh?
[11:13] Kondo
    Uh...
[11:14] Kondo
    Is that right?
[11:15] Kondo
    The one over there.
[11:17] Gintoki
    He's tearing up!
[11:18] Gintoki
    It hurts to watch him!
[11:20] Gintoki
    Stop! Stop!
[11:21] Kondo
    But it looks like people are getting their hair cut here, so maybe I should try this one.
[11:25] Kondo
    Actually, this one looks better...
[11:28] Employee
    Ah, sorry, but we're a factory that makes brushes out of hair.
[11:32] Gintoki
    Now he's being lied to!
[11:34] Gintoki
    Being denied with a blatant lie!
[11:36] Gintoki
    Seriously, they really don't want him inside!
[11:37] Kondo
    Oh, brushes...
[11:39] Kondo
    So that's it.
[11:41] Kondo
    But yeah, I wouldn't mind my hair being used for brushes...
[11:45] Employee
    Sorry, I forgot to tell you.
[11:48] Employee
    Yesterday, we turned into a place that's researching
[11:50] Employee
    how to use the protein in hair to make meat and soy sauce.
[11:54] Kondo
    Ah, protein...?
[11:56] Kondo
    Ah, meat...
[11:58] Kondo
    In that case, you can use my hair!
[12:01] Kondo
    See? Nice and healthy!
[12:02] Kondo
    It's so hard it gives me trouble!
[12:04] Employee
    Ah, sorry.
[12:06] Employee
    And yeah, can I just give it to you straight?
[12:10] Employee
    You're scaring the other customers,
[12:13] Employee
    so could you stop hanging around here?
[12:16] Employee
    I really don't want to say this,
[12:18] Employee
    but stalking is despicable.
[12:21] Kondo
    No! No! No! No!
[12:23] Kondo
    What?!
[12:24] Kondo
    No, hold on!
[12:25] Customer
    Huh?!
[12:26] Kondo
    Please wait!
[12:27] Kondo
    Usually, it's...
[12:28] Kondo
    But this time...
[12:29] Employee
    I'm going to call the cops.
[12:31] Kondo
    Huh? Wait...
[12:32] Kondo
    The cops...?
[12:33] Kondo
    I'm a cop...
[12:35] Employee
    Hey, give it up already, old-timer.
[12:37] Employee
    Get lost!
[12:38] Employee
    I'll crush you for real.
[12:43] All
    Get lost! Get lost! Get lost! Get lost!
[12:57] Shinpachi
    Huh?
[12:58] Shinpachi
    Am I crying?
[13:01] Gintoki
    What is this feeling?
[13:03] Gintoki
    It's really uncomfortable.
[13:05] Gintoki
    What is this?
[13:05] Gintoki
    What are we supposed to do?
[13:06] Gintoki
    What should we do?
[13:08] Gintoki
    Hey?
[13:09] Shinpachi
    This is terrible!
[13:10] Shinpachi
    You have to feel bad for him this time!
[13:12] Kagura
    I'm gonna go beat the crap out of those people!
[13:15] Gintoki
    No, that won't do.
[13:16] Shinpachi And Kagura
    Huh?
[13:17] Gintoki
    Listen up.
[13:18] Gintoki
    Men are stupid creatures who have a need to put on airs.
[13:21] Gintoki
    If we go help him out of this ugly situation,
[13:24] Gintoki
    the gorilla will lose face, right?
[13:28] Gintoki
    We'll pretend that we didn't see anything.
[13:30] Gintoki
    We didn't see anything today.
[13:33] Gintoki
    Got it?
[13:35] Shinpachi
    Uh, Gin-san.
[13:36] Shinpachi
    Kondo-san's coming over here...
[13:38] Gintoki
    What? He's coming?
[13:40] Gintoki
    Hold on!
[13:41] Gintoki
    This is going to be awkward!
[13:42] Gintoki
    I have no idea how to deal with him!
[13:44] Gintoki
    We can't just make fun of him like usual!
[13:47] Gintoki
    I don't want to finish him off when he's on the verge of death!
[13:49] Gintoki
    What do I do?!
[13:50] Guntoki
    What should I do?!
[13:55] Kondo
    Excuse me.
[13:57] Kondo
    I don't have an appointment...
[13:58] Kondo
    Is that okay?
[14:00] Gintoki
    Oh, a customer?
[14:16] Kondo
    Excuse me.
[14:17] Kondo
    I don't have an appointment...
[14:19] Kondo
    Is that okay?
[14:20] Gintoki
    Oh, a customer?
[14:23] Gintoki
    Sorry, we're booked for the day.
[14:26] Gintoki
    Could you come back tomorrow?
[14:29] Kondo
    Oh, really...
[14:32] Kondo
    Even a dirty place like this won't even take me.
[14:35] Kondo
    I'm like a gravely ill patient being tossed from hospital to hospital like a hot potato.
[14:41] Kondo
    Wait, maybe I'm already dead and I just haven't realized it yet...
[14:46] Shinpachi
    Ah! Wait! Wait!
[14:47] Shinpachi
    We were just on the phone and everyone's canceled!
[14:51] Kagura
    You're so lucky, Mister!
[14:53] Kagura
    Come in! Come in!
[14:54] Kondo
    Oh? It's okay?
[14:55] Shinpachi
    Of course! Of course!
[14:56] Kagura
    Come on! Sit down over here!
[14:58] Gintoki
    What are you guys doing?!
[15:00] Shinpachi
    It's impossible!
[15:01] Shinpachi
    I can't do it!
[15:02] Shinpachi
    I can't turn him away!
[15:03] Gintoki
    What do you mean, you can't turn him away?!
[15:04] Gintoki
    Do you either of you know how to cut someone's hair?
[15:06] Kagura
    You're good with your hands, Gin-chan, so you should be able to do it.
[15:08] Gintoki
    You bring him in by yourself and make me do the hard work?!
[15:11] Shinpachi
    We have to do something for him!
[15:13] Shinpachi
    I feel so bad for him.
[15:14] Shinpachi
    We can't turn him away like this!
[15:16] Kagura
    It'll work out somehow!
[15:17] Kagura
    We can do this if we work together!
[15:20] Shinpachi
    That's right!
[15:20] Shinpachi
    Dreams can come true!
[15:21] Gin
    Why are you trying to sound like that "time does not betray dreams" stuff?!
SIGN    [Note: This is a phrase by Leiji Matsumoto. He has sued Noriyuki Makihara for using this phrase in a song.]
[15:24] Kondo
    Uh...
[15:26] Gintoki
    Oh, sorry!
[15:27] Gintoki
    Thank you for waiting.
[15:29] Kondo
    My hair is in your hands.
[15:30] Gintoki
    Let's see...
[15:31] Gintoki
    How short do you want it today?
[15:34] Kondo
    Uh, how short do I want it?
[15:36] Kondo
    Why are you assuming that I want it short?!
[15:38] Gintoki
    No, you've got it wrong.
[15:40] Gintoki
    I'm not saying that I can only do short haircuts or anything.
[15:42] Gintoki
    You just had a look on your face like you wanted it short.
[15:45] Kondo
    No, I don't want it short.
[15:47] Kondo
    Uh, I'm looking for a complete makeover today.
[15:50] Gintoki
    I see. A makeover.
[15:52] Kondo
    It feels like everybody around me is good-looking,
[15:56] Kondo
    and they've always got girls screaming over them.
[16:00] Kondo
    Meanwhile, I can't even get the girl I like to talk to me.
[16:04] Kondo
    I never get any gifts either
[16:07] Kondo
    I just couldn't stand it anymore,
[16:09] Kondo
    so I wanted to try starting over from scratch...
[16:11] Kondo
    Break down the man known as Isao Kondo until he's completely unrecognizable
[16:16] Kondo
    and be reborn as a totally new Isao Kondo.
[16:19] Kagura
    Understood!
[16:20] Kagura
    I'll break you down!
[16:22] Kondo
    No! No! No!
[16:24] Kondo
    It was just a metaphor.
[16:25] Kondo
    When I said break down, I meant to wash away this untrendy image.
[16:30] Kondo
    And then, I want to become a completely different character. Like I'm somebody else!
[16:35] Gintoki
    Like you're somebody else...
[16:37] Gintoki
    Okay, okay. I got it.
SIGN    [Note: Street Fighter II the video game.]
[16:39] Gintoki
    Then in SF2 terms,
[16:41] Gintoki
    it'd be like changing from Blanka to Zangief.
[16:44] Kondo
    No! That's barely any change!
[16:46] Kondo
    You're going from one character nobody uses to another character nobody uses!
[16:50] Kondo
    In SF2 terms,
[16:51] Kondo
    it'd be like changing from E. Honda to Guile.
[16:55] Gintoki
    Ah, so you want something like changing your nationality.
[16:57] Kondo
    Yeah! Something big!
[16:58] Gintoki
    Got it.
[16:59] Gintoki
    This will be a pretty big job,
[17:02] Gintoki
    so for today, I'll just shave your face and shorten your hair
[17:05] Gintoki
    before you go home for the day and come back tomorrow.
[17:08] Kondo
    Why?!
[17:09] Kondo
    Why do I have to get my hair shortened and then go home?!
[17:11] Kondo
    There won't be anything left to do tomorrow!
[17:13] Kondo
    You're just shortening my hair!
[17:15] Kondo
    I already said that I don't need it shortened!
[17:17] Kondo
    Just forget about that already.
[17:19] Gintoki
    But you said you wanted Guile.
[17:23] Gintoki
    Guile has close-cropped hair.
[17:25] Kondo
    I didn't mean that I wanted to look like Guile!
[17:27] Kondo
    And weren't you the one who started using SF2 examples?!
[17:30] Shinpachi
    Uh...
[17:31] Shinpachi
    It would help if you could tell us how you want to look or give us a model or example of some sort.
[17:36] Shinpachi
    Do you have a picture from a magazine or something?
[17:38] Kondo
    Yeah, I do.
[17:40] Shinpachi
    Ah, then please show us.
[17:42] Kondo
    Something like this.
[17:44] Shinpahci
    No! That's physically impossible!
[17:46] Shinpachi
    The length of your hair is totally different!
[17:49] Kondo
    No, it's not just the hair...
[17:51] Kondo
    I want to become a man that oozes beauty.
[17:54] Shinpachi
    Uh, this is a barbershop.
[17:55] Kondo
    I want to become a man that's soft and supple instead of ragged.
[17:59] Shinpachi
    You should go to Shocker headquarters instead of a barbershop.
SIGN    [Note: Shocker is an evil organization from Kamen Rider.]
[18:03] Gintoki
    Okay, I understand.
[18:05] Gintoki
    I'll do what I can to match this.
[18:08] Gintoki
    We'll start by coming up with a plan.
[18:10] Gintoki
    We'll shave your face in the meantime.
[18:12] Kondo
    Ah, yes. Please do.
[18:14] Shinpachi
    Hey, what do we do about this, Gin-san?
[18:16] Shinpachi
    We'd have to change his entire physique.
[18:18] Gintoki
    Well, he seems to want to change his image rather than get a haircut.
[18:22] Gintoki
    So we'll have to change his hairstyle to change his image.
[18:26] Katsura
    Excuse me.
[18:29] Katsura
    This may sound awkward, but I heard that I could find a charismatic hairdresser of rare caliber here...
[18:38] Shinpachi
    Th-This is terrible!
[18:40] Shinpachi
    The most violent pair of rivals just ran into each other!
[18:45] Kagura
    I'll steam your face!
[18:47] Kagura
    It's a little hot, so bear with me!
[18:50] Gintoki
    Uh...
[18:51] Gintoki
    What did you want again?
[18:54] Katsura
    Well, you see. I want to get a makeover.
[18:56] Katsura
    So I need a charismatic hairdresser to cut my hair.
[18:59] Gintoki
    As usual, what is this guy doing?!
[19:02] Gintoki
    But that's a relief. He hasn't noticed.
[19:04] Gintoki
    I need to chase him out of here before things get ugly!
[19:08] Shinpachi
    You can find charismatic hairdressers across the street!
[19:09] Katsura
    Wow!
[19:10] Gin
    Get lost, moron!
[19:11] Katsura
    Hey! Hey!
[19:11] Gin
    We're working here!
[19:12] Katsura
    Cut that out!
[19:13] Gin
    Want me to give you a buzz-cut?
[19:14] Gin
    Shoo. Shoo.
[19:15] Gin
    Get lost, scumface!
[19:18] Katsura
    Did you think you could fool me?
[19:21] Katsura
    Your desperate efforts cannot deceive my eyes.
[19:25] Shinpachi
    Did he notice...?!
[19:27] Katsura
    You are
[19:28] Katsura
    the charismatic hairdresser!
[19:35] Gintoki
    No, I'm not...
[19:38] Katsura
    You are.
[19:39] Katsura
    I can tell by looking in your eyes.
[19:40] Katsura
    The eyes of one who has mastered a craft by dedicating his all...
[19:45] Katsura
    The eyes of a samurai who has seen many battles...
[19:48] Gintoki
    Yeah, that's cause I'm a samurai.
[19:49] Katsura
    Here we are, meeting for the first time, yet I feel as if I've known you for a hundred years.
[19:54] Gintoki
    Yeah, we know each other.
[19:56] Katsura
    Could you cut my hair?
[19:58] Katsura
    It's a pain to shampoo when it's this long.
[20:01] Shinpachi
    Ah! Please don't go in without permission!
[20:03] Kondo
    It hurts!
[20:04] Kondo
    Hey! What are you doing?!
[20:06] Kondo
    I can't breathe!
[20:11] Gintoki
    Ah, don't be in such a rush.
[20:13] Gintoki
    We'll wash your head for you.
[20:15] Kondo
    Huh? Is he okay over there?
[20:18] Kondo
    That looks more like torture than washing his hair.
[20:21] Kagura
    Okay.
[20:22] Kagura
    Don't turn your head.
[20:24] Kagura
    I'll be shaving your face, so that's dangerous.
[20:31] Katsura
    M-Mr. Charismatic Hairdresser!
[20:33] Katsura
    I can see that everything done by a charismatic hairdresser is different,
[20:36] Katsura
    down to the application of shampoo!
[20:38] Gin
    Yes. That's what they all say.
[20:40] Katsura
    It's so intense that it feels like my hair roots are on fire!
[20:42] Katsura
    I can't open my eyes because they're stinging from the shampoo!
[20:44] Gintoki
    You don't need to open them!
[20:47] Gintoki
    Then we'll allow the shampoo to permeate your hair for a while.
[20:50] Gintoki
    Just sit still with your eyes closed.
[20:53] Katsura
    Huh? Like this?
[20:54] Katsura
    What's the effect of letting the shampoo permeate my hair?
[20:58] Gintoki
    It prevents any stupid movements.
[21:00] Katsura
    What?! It can do that?!
[21:04] Kagura
    That was close.
[21:06] Kagura
    They almost made contact.
[21:08] Shinpachi
    What are we going to do, Gin-san?
[21:10] Shinpachi
    Don't tell me that we have to handle them both?
[21:14] Gintoki
    We're going to leave now.
[21:15] Shinpachi And Kagura
    Huh?!
[21:17] Gintoki
    Just think about it.
[21:18] Gintoki
    There is no reason for us to work so hard for them.
[21:22] Gintoki
    If we stay, we'll only get dragged into more trouble.
[21:26] Shinpachi
    No, but...
[21:27] Shinpachi
    Pops told us to look after the place for him...
[21:29] Gintoki
    He'll be back with his "Abu-san" soon enough.
[21:32] Gintoki
    He can handle the rest...
[21:36] Matsudaira
    Oh, are you there?
[21:38] Matsudaira
    Sorry I'm late.
[21:39] Matsudaira
    I came to return volume 7 of Abu-san.
[21:42] Matsudaira
    Huh? He's not here?
[21:45] Gintoki
    That's...
[21:46] Shogun
    Katakuriko, what is this place?
[21:49] Matsudaira
    Hmm? The barbershop I frequent.
[21:52] Matsudaira
    I was going to introduce you to my buddy, but he doesn't seem to be here.
[21:56] Matsudaira
    Heh, oh well.
[21:59] Matsudaira
    Let's just go hit a hostess bar.
[22:01] Shogun
    Would he do my hair in a Mage...?
[22:05] Shogun
    What kind of Mage would he do...?
[22:10] Shinpachi
    Th-That's...
[22:12] Gintoki
    That's...
[22:19] Shogun
    Fascinating.
[22:21] Shogun
    Will you do my hair in a Mage?
[22:25] Gintoki And Shinpachi
    Th-The Shogun?!
SIGN    [To Be Continued]
SIGN    
[24:05] Gintoki
    I-It's impossible, big man!
[24:08] Gintoki
    I can't touch the Shogun's Mage!
[24:10] Gintoki
    Impossible!
[24:10] Gintoki
    Absolutely impossible!
[24:11] Gintoki
    You handle the rest!
[24:12] Shinpachi
    Wait!
[24:13] Shinpachi
    It's impossible for me, too!
[24:15] Shogun
    The next episode...
[24:15] Shogun
    "The heavens created Chonmage above man instead of another man."
SIGN    [Note: A phrase by Yukichi Fukuzawa "Heaven doesn't make a man better than others, nor does it make a man worse than others." = all men are created equal.]
SIGN    [The Great Shogun Shigeshige Tokugawa came to the barbershop!]
SIGN    [He's a General, but his you-know-what's a Private.]
SIGN    [See you next time!]