E162 - Love Is Unconditional

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:00] Otsu
    Hey, everybody! Good nightingale!
[00:03] Otsu
    I'm still having so much trouble releasing a CD in real life.
[00:08] Otsu
    And there's only one match left in the three-match pianist battle
[00:12] Otsu
    to decide Tsu Terakado's official fan club!
[00:16] Otsu
    In the first match, the quiz showdown,
[00:18] Otsu
    Kondo-san made a perfect read to deliver victory for the Tsusengumi!
[00:23] Otsu
    In the second match, the charisma showdown,
[00:25] Otsu
    victory went to the Tsu Terakado Fan Club who invited me to the Gandara Vehotel!
[00:31] Otsu
    And today will be the last match!
[00:33] Otsu
    Which team will show their true love for me?
[00:37] Otsu
    Aww!
[00:38] Otsu
    Now I'm starting to get nervous!
[00:40] Otsu
    Sorry, can I go take a piss?
[02:24] N
    The three-match contest to decide Tsu Terakado's official fan club
[02:28] N
    has finally reached its final match!
[02:31] N
    Only two teams out of the many fans made it to the finals!
[02:37] N
    The Tsu Terakado Fan Club!
[02:41] N
    On the other side, we have the team led by Mr. Toshi, which has lived up to its name!
[02:47] N
    The Tsusengumi!
[02:51] N
    Each team has one win and one loss.
[02:53] N
    We've been watching a back-and-forth battle here,
[02:56] N
    but everything will be decided by this final match!
[03:03] N
    Now, the final battle will begin!
[03:12] N
    Representatives from both teams enter the ring!
SIGN    ["Love Is Unconditional"]
[03:29] Gintoki
    Shinpachi.
[03:31] Gintoki
    There's nothing left for us to do.
[03:34] Gintoki
    From here on, this is your battle.
[03:41] Shinpachi
    I can't lose.
[03:43] Shinpachi
    I can't afford to lose.
[03:46] Shinpachi
    For the sake of everyone who's helped bring me here,
[03:49] Shinpachi
    I absolutely have to win!
[03:56] Hijikata
    You've been a big help.
[03:58] Hijikata
    I'll buy you dinner some time.
[04:01] Kondo
    Toshi, failure is not allowed.
[04:03] Kondo
    Take back your own self with your own hands!
[04:09] Hijikata
    I will stand above all otaku.
[04:12] Hijikata
    I will take this body back from Toshi.
[04:28] Both
    Let's finish this.
[04:36] N
    The third and final match will test your collecting abilities!
[04:43] Shinpachi
    We aren't boxing?
[04:45] N
    As fans, you naturally have assembled all kinds of paraphernalia
[04:48] N
    related to your dear Otsu-chan.
[04:51] N
    How hardcore have you been in gathering Otsu-chan paraphernalia?
[04:56] N
    That will be the key to this contest!
[05:00] N
    This is what we will be using today, Otsu chips!
[05:05] N
    Otsu chips!
[05:06] N
    Chips that aren't selling very well, or quite frankly, they aren't selling at all.
[05:10] N
    We will have a card battle using the bonus cards that come with these chips!
[05:16] Shinpachi
    A-A card battle?!
[05:20] N
    The rules are simple.
[05:22] N
    These cards have images of Otsu-chan in various poses.
[05:26] N
    The cards have been assigned AP, attack points, and DP, defense points.
[05:33] Shinpachi
    Why would idol cards have attack power and defense power?!
[05:37] N
    We will place them on this live stage...
[05:55] N
    And you will fight through these holograms of Otsu-chan!
[05:58] Shinpachi
    Why is fighting even involved?!
[06:00] Shinpachi
    And between two Otsu-chans?!
[06:02] N
    Each player will be given 2000 life points.
[06:06] N
    For each turn, you will each use a card,
[06:09] N
    and the corresponding number of life points will be spent.
[06:14] N
    The team whose life points reach zero first loses!
[06:19] N
    And we won't be providing any cards!
[06:22] N
    As fans, you naturally have these cards on your person.
[06:26] N
    The cards you have on you right now will be your playing hand!
[06:32] Shinpachi
    N-Not good!
[06:34] Shinpachi
    I don't have a single one of those cards!
[06:36] Shinpachi
    Hell, I never even knew they were being sold!
[06:39] Shinpachi
    And didn't that bag say it was Indian Corn-poop flavored?!
[06:41] Shinpachi
    Are those even edible?!
[06:42] Shinpachi
    No, wait.
[06:43] Shinpachi
    Hijikata-san couldn't possibly have any of these cards...
[06:47] N
    Please set your cards and shuffle!
[06:52] Shinpachi
    Hi-Hijikata!
[06:55] Shinpachi
    Why do you have those?!
[06:57] Shinpachi
    And so many!
[07:00] Shinpachi
    Hijikata-san, whose coolness is his strength,
[07:04] Shinpachi
    has that many Otsu chips cards!
[07:07] Hijikata
    I will abandon shame and self-respect to take myself back.
[07:12] Hijikata
    You can't conquer the otaku world by being half-hearted.
[07:18] Shinpachi
    Hijikata-san...
[07:19] Shinpachi
    What dreadful tenacity...
[07:21] Shinpachi
    This is bad...
[07:22] Shinpachi
    I can't put up a fight without any cards!
[07:34] N
    Then, let the duel begin!
[07:37] Shinpachi
    Gin-san, run to the store!
[07:39] Shinpachi
    Buy lots of Otsu chips right away!
[07:43] Gintoki
    I'm on it!
[07:44] Hijikata
    So you didn't have any...as I expected.
[07:47] Hijikata
    It's too late to try and assemble a deck now!
[07:50] Hijikata
    I have a complete set up to the third series of Otsu chips!
[07:55] Hijikata
    I'll finish this before you get any cards!
[07:58] Hijikata
    This is my card!
[08:01] N
    Mr. Toshi from the Tsusengumi makes the first move!
[08:04] N
    His card is!
[08:07] N
    Sentimental five minutes before curtain.
[08:10] N
    Otsu in her dressing room right before the beginning of a concert.
[08:12] N
    She's a nervous wreck.
[08:15] N
    She will indiscriminately attack anyone if given the opportunity.
[08:18] N
    (Especially Kimura.)
[08:20] N
    460 attack points.
[08:22] N
    3 defense points.
[08:24] Shinpachi
    What kind of card is that?!
[08:25] Shinpachi
    You're revealing way too much stuff people don't want to hear about an idol!
[08:28] Shinpachi
    And who the hell is Kimura?!
[08:30] N
    Mr. Toshi has chosen an attack card to begin with!
[08:45] Otsu
    Don't come in my dressing room without permission!
[08:50] Shinpachi
    Why is a hologram attacking a real person?!
[08:55] Shinpachi
    And who the hell is she?!
[08:56] Shinpachi
    This doesn't look anything like the original!
[08:58] Shinpachi
    She looks like a totally different person!
[09:01] N
    Mr. Shimura can do nothing against the Otsu-chan hologram!
[09:05] N
    It is Mr. Shimura's turn!
[09:07] N
    If he doesn't make a move, he'll lose a large number of life points
[09:11] Gintoki
    Shinpachi!
[09:15] Shinpachi
    Gin-san!
[09:16] Shinpachi
    You made it in time!
[09:17] Shinpachi
    I don't have time to choose a card!
[09:19] Shinpachi
    I'll go with this!
[09:22] N
    Oh!
[09:23] N
    This is...!
[09:24] N
    This card is...!
[09:43] Shinpachi
    I don't have time to choose a card!
[09:45] Shinpachi
    I'll go with this!
[09:48] N
    Oh!
[09:49] N
    This is...!
[09:50] N
    This card is...!
[10:06] N
    Oh! This card is...!
[10:12] N
    KIM!
[10:13] N
    KIM the bass player!
[10:15] Shinpachi
    Uh, who the hell is that?!
[10:16] N
    KIM the bass player.
[10:17] N
    A member of Otsu's backing band, which supports Otsu behind the scenes.
[10:20] N
    The bass player who also occasionally plays the castanets.
[10:22] Shinpachi
    Why does it feel like I pulled a pointlessly plain card?!
[10:25] Shinpachi
    What are its attack points?!
[10:27] Shinpachi
    Does it have some kind of special ability?!
[10:29] N
    The mole on his face occasionally vanishes,
[10:32] N
    but he's an enigmatic figure who remains silent when asked about it.
[10:35] N
    (And his real name isn't KIM, but Chutaro Kimura.)
[10:38] Shinpachi
    So it's Kimura!
[10:40] Shinpachi
    It's the Kimura that Otsu-chan is always spazzing on about!
[10:43] Shinpachi
    He was clearly getting his mole taken off by Otsu-chan!
[10:46] N
    This card is a support card with no attack points or defense points!
[10:50] N
    Its effect is to piss off all Otsu cards in play and double their attack points!
[10:56] N
    Sentimental five minutes before curtain's attack points have doubled to 920!
[11:00] Otsu
    Hey, what's with the mole?
[11:03] Otsu
    Is it some kind of switch?
[11:05] Otsu
    It's a damn eyesore!
[11:12] N
    Mr. Shimura makes a painful mistake!
[11:14] N
    He ended up using a support card to double the attack power of his opponent's card!
[11:19] N
    He has lost nearly half of his life points!
[11:22] Kagura
    Shinpachi!
SIGN    [Note: Kagura and Gintoki are dressed as Danpei, who is the manager and corner man from boxing manga Tomorrow's Joe (Ashita no Joe).]
[11:23] Gintoki
    What are you doing, fool?!
[11:25] Gintoki
    You gotta throw inside punches!
[11:27] N
    And this support card, KIM the bass player, lasts for five turns!
[11:32] Shinpachi
    Hey, scram!
[11:33] Shinpachi
    Stupid Kimura!
[11:34] N
    If Mr. Shimura is attacked by a card with doubled attack points in the next turn,
[11:37] N
    he has no chance of victory!
[11:41] Hijikata
    As if double attack power was all you had to worry about.
[11:43] Hijikata
    My turn!
[11:45] Hijikata
    I'll teach you how you're supposed to use support cards!
[11:50] Hijikata
    This is my next card!
[11:52] N
    Oh!
[11:53] N
    This card is...!
[11:55] N
    That day of the month!
[11:57] N
    That day of the month.
[11:58] N
    Aggravate all female cards and triple their attack points.
[12:02] N
    However, you cannot play a card the next time.
[12:04] Shinpachi
    Which day is that day of the month?!
[12:06] Shinpachi
    Is this really an idol card game?!
[12:08] Shinpachi
    And is it actually okay to show this on TV?!
[12:15] N
    Mr. Toshi has added that day of the month to an Otsu-chan
[12:18] N
    already irritated by KIM the bass player to leave her in the worst possible mood!!
[12:25] Shinpachi
    What?!
[12:33] N
    And her attack power is now 2,760!
[12:36] N
    An amazing number!
[12:37] N
    If Mr. Shimura is hit with an attack, he'll lose in one blow!
[12:42] Shinpachi
    I have to do something!
[12:44] Gintoki
    Shinpachi!
[12:45] Gintoki
    Here's more Otsu chips!
[12:47] Shinpachi
    Come on!
[12:48] Shinpachi
    Give me a good card!
[12:54] Shinpachi
    Gin-san.
[12:55] Shinpachi
    Are these really Otsu chips?
[12:58] Shinpachi
    Are you sure you didn't get Kimura chips by accident?
[13:02] Gintoki
    Shinpachi!
[13:03] Gintoki
    You can only have five cards in a hand!
[13:04] Gintoki
    Bet everything on the last one!
[13:06] Shinpachi
    An Otsu card!
[13:07] Shinpachi
    I'm going to draw an Otsu card!
[13:10] Shinpachi
    If I have an Otsu card,
[13:11] Shinpachi
    I can receive the effects from KIM the bass player and that day of the month
[13:14] Shinpachi
    and put up a fight against that monster!
[13:16] Hijikata
    It's no use.
[13:18] Hijikata
    Cheap tricks won't do anything against this strike.
[13:22] Hijikata
    Go!
[13:23] Hijikata
    Otsu on that day of the month!
[13:32] N
    A clean hit!
[13:33] N
    Mr. Shimura has taken a direct 2,760 attack hit!
[13:44] Hijikata
    It's all over.
[13:53] Hijikata
    Wh-What?!
[13:55] Hijikata
    I-Impossible!
[13:57] Hijikata
    You...
[13:58] Hijikata
    Why are you...
[14:02] Hijikata
    Over there?!
[14:04] N
    Oh!
[14:06] N
    The support card, KIM the bass player, took the hit for Mr. Shimura!
[14:09] Hijikata
    Impossible...
[14:11] Hijikata
    How could a support card like you enter combat...?
[14:15] Hijikata
    Much less endure a 2,760 attack point hit...!
[14:25] Shinpachi
    That's...
[14:28] Shinpachi
    It can't be!
[14:36] N
    Separation..
[14:38] N
    A support card that only works on KIM the bass player.
[14:40] N
    Sacrifice the mole to withstand one attack by Otsu-chan.
[14:48] Shinpachi
    K-KIM-san!
[14:50] N
    KIM the bass player sacrificed his mole to protect Mr. Shimura!
[14:56] Hijikata
    I-It can't be!
[14:57] Hijikata
    I didn't expect that!
[15:00] N
    Mr. Toshi cannot use a card next turn because of that day of the month!
[15:04] N
    Have the tables been turned?!
[15:06] Shinpachi
    KIM-san, hang in there!
[15:10] Kim
    Avenge my mole...
[15:15] Shinpachi
    KIM-san!
[15:16] Shinpachi
    You just lost your mole!
[15:17] Shinpachi
    Hang in there!
[15:19] Shinpachi
    Why?!
[15:19] Shinpachi
    I don't get it!
[15:21] N
    Okay, it's Mr. Shimura's turn again!
[15:23] N
    He can't let this chance slip away!
[15:25] N
    He must draw a good card by any means!
[15:30] Shinpachi
    Hijikata-san is completely helpless, unable to use a support card.
[15:34] Shinpachi
    This is my chance to strike back!
[15:36] Shinpachi
    An Otsu-chan card!
[15:37] Shinpachi
    Draw an Otsu-chan card this time!
[15:40] Shinpachi
    Please!
[15:41] Shinpachi
    Come on!
[15:43] Shinpachi
    Come on!
[15:45] N
    Oh! This is...
[15:47] N
    That card is...!
[15:52] N
    KIYOSHI!
[15:53] N
    KIYOSHI the drummer!
[15:55] Shinpachi
    I got another worthless-looking one!
[15:58] N
    KIYOSHI the drummer.
[15:59] N
    A member of Otsu's backing band, which supports Otsu behind the scenes.
[16:02] N
    The drummer who also occasionally plays the tambourine.
[16:05] N
    He used to be close with KIM the bass player,
[16:07] N
    but they got in a fight the other day when someone ate an extra slice of pizza,
[16:10] N
    and they're looking for an opportunity to make up.
[16:13] Shinpachi
    Who cares about that?!
[16:14] Shinpachi
    Do that stuff in the dressing room!
[16:15] Shinpachi
    Don't bring it into the game!
[16:17] N
    If you have a pizza card, they'll make up and have a session.
[16:19] Shinpachi
    Like I said, who cares?!
[16:21] N
    Or if you have a cash card, they'll become even closer than they were before.
[16:24] Shinpachi
    Don't use money to settle it!
[16:35] Kim
    What is it?
[16:37] Kim
    Don't look this way.
[16:39] Kiyoshi
    I wasn't looking at you.
[16:42] Shinpachi
    This is really awkward.
[16:44] Shinpachi
    What's with these guys?
[16:45] Shinpachi
    Why did they show up?
[16:48] Hijikata
    It appears that he wasn't able to take advantage of his lucky chance.
[16:54] Hijikata
    You have no chance of victory now.
[17:00] Hijikata
    The time has finally come.
[17:04] Hijikata
    It's been a long time.
[17:05] Hijikata
    After obtaining that demonic sword and becoming cursed,
[17:09] Hijikata
    I had to frantically suppress my other self, Toshi, who would pop up at any chance...
[17:13] Hijikata
    The next thing I knew, I had a growing pile of figures and DVDs...
[17:16] Hijikata
    And was being greeted on the street by strange otaku on a daily basis...
[17:20] Hijikata
    I will end it all with this blow!
[17:24] Hijikata
    I'll end it all with this card!
[17:32] Hijikata
    This is...the end!
[17:36] Hijikata
    Go!
[17:44] N
    MIYABI the stylist.
[17:46] N
    A stylist with a bad attitude.
[17:48] N
    Regularly eats and steals stuff from the dressing room without permission.
[17:52] N
    Otsu's deadly foe.
[17:54] N
    Only works on Otsu in dressing room cards.
[17:57] N
    Plus 1,000 attack points and defense points.
[18:10] Hijikata
    This time, it's over.
[18:11] Hijikata
    You ready?
[18:13] Shinpachi
    As expected from the brilliant strategist, Toshiro Hijikata...
[18:17] Shinpachi
    He has me completely backed into a corner.
[18:21] Shinpachi
    But...
[18:23] Shinpachi
    I can't afford to lose!
[18:27] Shinpachi
    The feelings of everyone who has helped me...
[18:32] Shinpachi
    Gin-san, Kagura-chan...
[18:34] Shinpachi
    And Taka-tin.
[18:36] Shinpachi
    Plus Taka-chin.
[18:37] Shinpachi
    And most importantly...
[18:39] Shinpachi
    My feelings of love and complete trust in Otsu-chan...
[18:44] Shinpachi
    I can't let them down!
[18:47] Shinpachi
    I'll stake my all on this card!
[18:52] Shinpachi
    A mystery investigating card?!
[18:54] Shinpachi
    Reveal a hidden truth to change parameters!
[18:59] Shinpachi
    Damn it.
[19:00] Shinpachi
    Another weird card in the end...
[19:04] Hijikata
    You're out of options.
[19:06] Hijikata
    Die!
[19:09] Shinpachi
    Damn it!
[19:10] Shinpachi
    I'll just have to leave it to fate!
[19:12] Shinpachi
    Go!
[19:21] Voice
    Mystery investigating card activate.
[19:34] Voice
    Allow me to tell you the hidden truth.
[19:40] Voice
    The one who secretly ate your pizza...
[19:46] Voice
    The one who secretly ate your pizza...
[19:56] Voice
    Was this fatass!
[20:18] Kiyoshi
    Ichi, ni...
[20:20] Kiyoshi
    Ichi, ni, three, four!
[20:29] N
    Begin makeup session.
[20:45] Shinpachi
    This is...
[20:47] N
    Makeup session.
[20:48] N
    A performance to bring peace on Earth!
[20:51] N
    You are unable to attack, but if you're attacked,
[20:58] N
    the attack points are doubled and the attack is reflected!
SIGN    [To Be Continued]
SIGN    
[22:57] Gintoki
    You just sometimes get in the mood
[22:59] Gintoki
    for some hot shiruko, even when it isn't winter.
[23:03] Gintoki
    And yeah, I can't really tell the difference between shiruko and zenzai.
SIGN    [Note: Zenzai(sweet bean soup): made from condensed paste with heat and is less watery than shiruko(red bean soup) which is more akin to jam or marmalade.]
[23:08] Gintoki
    Why do they have to make it so complicated?
[23:10] Gintoki
    Just call them the same name.
[23:12] Gintoki
    Why bother differentiating?
[23:14] Shinpachi
    Yeah, it's hard to tell the difference.
[23:17] Gintoki
    And there's Yu Aoi and Sora Aoi.
SIGN    [Note: Yu Aoi is a popular mainstream actress. Sora Aoi is a Japanese porn star.]
[23:20] Gintoki
    They might as well be the same person.
[23:22] Gintoki
    I get them confused at times.
[23:23] Shinpachi
    No, their names just sound similar.
[23:25] Shinpachi
    They're different people.
[23:27] Gintoki
    I'm thinking that they're talking about, y'know,
[23:29] Gintoki
    but then they're actually talking about some fancy movie.
[23:32] Gintoki
    It leaves my face burning.
[23:34] Gintoki
    I don't want to endure another ordeal like that.
[23:37] Gintoki
    And yeah, can Rinka clone herself or something?
SIGN    [Note: Rinka is a Japanese model and TV personality.]
[23:42] Gintoki
    There are like five or six of them on TV.
[23:46] Gintoki
    I can't tell which one's which.
[23:49] Gintoki
    Can't they just combine into one giant Rinka?
[23:53] Kagura
    And I can't tell the difference between GinTama and Kintama.
SIGN    [Note: Kintama is slang for "balls" in Japanese.]
[23:58] Kagura
    Which one's the right ball and which one's the left ball?
SIGN    
SIGN    
[24:07] Toshi
    Thanks, Toshiro...
[24:10] Toshi
    But that's enough...
[24:13] Toshi
    I'll handle the rest...
[24:16] Hijikata
    The next episode...
[24:17] Hijikata
    "The Black Ships Even Make A Scene When They Sink."
SIGN    [Toshi dangerously appears from within Toshiro! On to the next showdown in the Official Fan Club battle!]
SIGN    [By the way, there are many differences between Shiruko and Zenzai depending on whether you're in the Kanto or Kansai area. Google them for more details.]
SIGN    [See you next time.]