E13 - Sanematsu-san / Girlymatsu-san / Accident?

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    -Our Story So Far-
SIGN    Dekoboko Corporation
SIGN    No Smoking
    in the Office
[00:06] Boss
    Sanematsu-kun, are you even trying?
[00:09] Boss
    If this keeps up, I might
    have to have you quit.
[00:13] Lady
    Sanematsu-san, I asked you to
    take care of this, didn't I?
[00:19] Guy
    Please take care of this by the
    end of today, Sanematsu-senpai.
[00:24] Lady
    No, he totally groped me!
[00:28] Sane
    I did not.
[00:29] Lady
    You totally did!
[00:32] Guy
    Well, I have to take her at her word.
    Could I get your name, sir?
[00:37] Sane
    But I didn't—
[00:38] Guy
    Your name!
[00:41] Sane
    It...
[00:43] Sane
    It's Sanematsu...
SIGN    Weekly Serial Drama
    Sanematsu-san
SIGN    Episode 3
SIGN    Oden Fair All Year Round
SIGN    Incoming Call
SIGN    Mom
SIGN    Dekoboko Corporation
[01:38] Sane
    Good morning.
[01:47] Kaoru
    Good morning.
[01:50] Sane
    Good morning.
[02:25] Kaoru
    You got food from the convenience
    store again, Sanematsu-san?
[02:29] Kaoru
    You need to eat right.
[02:31] Kaoru
    Say, why don't we get lunch together?
[02:33] Sane
    Huh? I, uh...
[02:36] Guy
    Kaoruko-chan.
[02:37] Guy
    Sanematsu-senpai likes to eat
    alone. Don't you, Senpai?
[02:42] Guy
    Come on. Let's go.
[02:50] Boss
    I guess you do get hungry, at least.
[03:28] Person
    I'm done!
[03:30] Sane
    Thanks for your hard work.
[03:32] Boss
    Sanematsu-kun.
[03:33] Boss
    I have something else I'd like you to do today.
[03:37] Boss
    You have time, right?
[03:40] Sane
    Huh? Uh... Not today, actually...
[03:49] Boss
    "Not today, actually"? He never stays late.
[03:54] Guy
    He's unmarried, almost forty, and no girlfriend.
[03:57] Guy
    What could he possibly be
    in a hurry to get home for?
[04:03] Guy
    Hey, Kaoruko-chan. Wanna go for a drink?
SIGN    Interactive Supermarket
SIGN    Time Sale 50% Off
SIGN    Winter Items Special Sale
[04:32] Sane
    I'm home!
[04:34] Five
    Welcome back!
[04:42] Six
    Let's eat!
[04:47] Sane
    Hey, Kadomatsu, don't eat just meat.
[04:51] Hira
    You're such a kid, Kadomatsu-niisan.
[04:54] Kado
    Shut up.
[04:56] Sane
    Hiramatsu.
[04:56] Hira
    Hm?
[04:57] Sane
    Grab me a plate.
[04:58] Hira
    Sure.
[05:01] Sane
    Thanks.
[05:03] Sane
    Oh, yeah. Sutematsu.
[05:04] Sute
    Yeah?
[05:05] Sane
    I stopped by Qlo Qlo on my way home today...
[05:10] Sane
    Here. It must be rough
    commuting by bike every day.
[05:14] Sute
    Thanks, Sanematsu-niisan!
[05:16] Hira
    Aw, it's not fair that only
    Sutematsu-niisan gets something.
[05:19] Sane
    I just got you a scarf not long ago, Hiramatsu.
[05:23] Sute
    Yay!
[05:24] Hira
    Boo.
[05:27] Toku
    But you're amazing, Sanematsu-niisan.
[05:29] Toku
    You work, cook, and take care of us, too.
[05:34] Sane
    What's with you, Tokumatsu?
    Flattery will get you nowhere.
[05:38] Kado
    Tokumatsu, you just want money, don't you?
[05:41] Toku
    I do not!
[05:42] Kado
    You always use the same method.
    It's way too obvious.
[05:49] Sane
    Hey, Kikumatsu.
[05:51] Sane
    Is your new job going well?
[05:53] Kiku
    Huh? Well, I guess it's... going.
[05:57] Hira
    Always taking things at your own pace, huh?
[06:00] Sane
    Kikumatsu, once you're a part of society,
[06:02] Sane
    you need to consider those around you.
[06:04] Kiku
    Like you can talk, Sanematsu-niisan.
    You hate people.
[06:07] Hira
    True.
[06:10] Sane
    Hey, I do not.
[06:27] Guy
    Hey! Come on!
[06:44] Kaoru
    Sanematsu-san?
[06:51] Kaoru
    Sanematsu-san?
[06:59] Kaoru
    Sanematsu-san?
[07:05] Sane
    Hey, Kikumatsu.
[07:07] Sane
    Is your new job going well?
[07:09] Kiku
    Huh? Well, I guess it's... going.
[07:12] Hira
    Always taking things at your own pace, huh?
SIGN    End
[07:38] Nar
    Next time on "Sanematsu-san"...
SIGN    Next Time
[07:40] Nar
    Kadomatsu gets married,
[07:41] Nar
    Hiramatsu changes his image,
[07:43] Nar
    Kikumatsu has a secret,
[07:45] Nar
    and Akamatsu, Shigematsu,
    and Tokiwamatsu appear.
[07:48] Nar
    Next time: "Which One Is Sanematsu?"
SIGN    Episode 4: Which One Is Sanematsu?
[07:51] Nar
    Look forward to it.
[07:54] All
    Osoko!
[07:55] Oso
    Hi!
[07:56] Oso
    I'm told that I'm the reliable, no-nonsense
    type, but I can be cute, too!
[08:01] All
    Karako!
[08:03] Kara
    Heyo!
[08:04] Kara
    Not bad. You managed to
    keep up with me. You pass!
SIGN    Anime Kan
[08:08] All
    Choroko!
[08:10] Choro
    What?
SIGN    Fu
[08:11] Choro
    Do you prefer Chibi x Dayo, or Dayo x Chibi?
[08:13] Choro
    Iya x Hata is definitely no good, though.
[08:16] All
    Ichiko!
[08:17] Ichi
    Yes?
[08:19] Ichi
    Living is all about the balance between
    soul and body. Do you understand?
[08:24] All
    Jyushiko!
[08:27] Jyu
    Hey, I totally just saw that guy!
[08:29] Jyu
    That young, handsome, hot actor guy!
SIGN    Mount Matsuo
[08:32] All
    Todoko!
[08:34] Todo
    Yahoo!
[08:36] Todo
    Hey, guys. All of us on Earth are
    friends riding the same spaceship, right?
SIGN    Girlymatsu-san
[08:40] All
    Girlymatsu-san!
[08:44] Oso
    Hey, we're already here.
[08:46] Oso
    Yeah, we'll wait, but just hurry up.
[08:50] Oso
    Okay, got it.
[08:52] Oso
    He said they have overtime.
[08:54] Oso
    God, they have some nerve,
    making girls wait.
[08:57] Ichi
    I wonder if they really have overtime.
[09:00] Ichi
    Did you make sure, Osoko?
[09:02] Jyu
    Wait, what? What's that mean, Ichiko?
[09:05] Ichi
    Maybe they're trying to escape.
[09:07] Choro
    Or maybe...
[09:09] Choro
    The boss grabbed the
    subordinate by the necktie,
[09:11] Choro
    and said, "I'm never letting
    you go," or something!
[09:15] Kara
    There it is! Choroko's delusions!
[09:17] Kara
    Seriously, you only think
    of the most pervy things.
[09:20] Choro
    What? You must be talking about yourself.
[09:22] Kara
    I vent everything out with sports.
[09:24] Ichi
    You liar. I know you're a slave to lust.
[09:30] Todo
    So pervy and gross.
[09:32] Kara
    What the heck? You two are so mean!
[09:34] Oso
    Hey, stop arguing. You're
    gonna scare the guys away.
[09:38] ---
    Hmph.
[09:40] Jyu
    Hey, Osoko. What are the guys
    that are coming today like?
[09:44] Oso
    They're my juniors at work.
[09:45] Jyu
    Oh, so they're younger!
[09:47] Oso
    They're good guys.
    They adore me like an older sister.
[09:51] Kara
    You teaching them all sorts of things?
[09:55] Todo
    Ugh, stop saying vulgar things like that, Karako.
[09:59] Kara
    Oh, please. Stop trying to act
    like you're better than us.
[10:02] Kara
    I know you're the nastiest one of us all.
[10:05] Jyu
    Wait, what? What's that mean?
[10:07] Ichi
    I don't know if you're trying to be
    a forest girl or a mountain girl,
[10:10] Ichi
    but you ask a guy to go hiking with you
[10:13] Ichi
    just so you can have him carry your
    bags and pay all the expenses.
[10:16] Todo
    That's not true! They just offer...
[10:19] Ichi
    Then you could decline.
[10:21] Ichi
    You say you're the warm type,
    but you know exactly what you're doing.
[10:23] Todo
    Don't make it sound so bad.
[10:25] Kara
    You're the personification of a sly fox.
[10:28] Oso
    You guys might not get it yet,
    but that also lets the guys save face.
[10:34] Oso
    Right, Todoko?
[10:35] Todo
    R-Right.
[10:36] Oso
    We girls have a duty to let guys
    comfortably pay for us.
[10:42] Oso
    You all take being popular too lightly.
[10:44] Oso
    You have to think about popularity every day.
[10:47] Oso
    At times, it's the freedom
    you have by being younger.
[10:49] Oso
    At times, it's being approachable to peers.
[10:51] Oso
    And at times, it's the cuteness
    your youth gives you.
[10:54] Oso
    I wouldn't call it trying to get attention,
    but... How do I put this...
[10:58] Oso
    Being a girl can be difficult.
[11:00] Ichi
    Get real, Osoko.
[11:01] Oso
    What?!
[11:02] Ichi
    You'd go that far just to be popular?
[11:04] Ichi
    I don't get it at all. It's so strange.
[11:06] Jyu
    I know, right? It's totally okay
    if you're popular just because,
[11:10] Jyu
    but trying so hard to be popular
    is just greedy and lame.
[11:13] Oso
    Then stop with the love-me-I'm-loose makeup!
[11:17] Oso
    "It's not like I'm asking them to treat me nice,
[11:19] Oso
    but they do, so I don't know what to do.
[11:21] Oso
    Does that mean they like me?"
[11:24] ---
    Are you bragging about that?
    Of course you are!
[11:27] Oso
    I see right through it
    because you're so shallow!
[11:29] Oso
    And you guys stupid enough to fall for
    the cute, fragile act are just as bad!
[11:33] Oso
    You shithead guys must be blind!
[11:35] Oso
    Girls who try to get prettier by fucking
    are expected to be two or three-timers.
[11:38] Oso
    Why don't you get that those terrifying
    girls are listening to your love issues
[11:41] Oso
    on purpose just to get some,
    and don't care if you're married or not?
[11:43] Oso
    I spend so much time getting close
    to guys with my older sister character,
[11:46] Oso
    luring them in slowly, and just when
    I'm about to get my claws into them,
[11:48] Oso
    they get stolen away from me! Why?!
[11:50] Oso
    Are guys stupid? Are guys
    seriously that stupid?!
[11:53] Oso
    Die!
[11:56] Jyu
    That's so mean, Osoko...
    Is that what you think of me?
[12:02] Jyu
    But I guess that's my fault, too.
[12:04] Jyu
    Because I was insensitive and annoyed everyone.
[12:10] Jyu
    I guess you'd be better off if I weren't here at all!
[12:15] Ichi
    I know how you feel.
[12:17] Jyu
    Ichiko...
[12:18] Ichi
    No one is a bigger enemy
    to women than other women.
[12:21] Jyu
    Huh?
[12:22] Ichi
    The other day,
[12:24] Ichi
    someone from work asked me if it was
    true that I have partial dentures...
[12:28] Ichi
    On purpose.
[12:29] Todo
    Wait, do you?
[12:31] Ichi
    To be precise, they're implants,
    not partial dentures.
[12:34] Choro
    Gum disease?
[12:34] Ichi
    Who cares what it is?
[12:36] Ichi
    What are they implying by "partial
    dentures"? That my breath stinks?
[12:39] Ichi
    That's so rude!
[12:43] Choro
    Ichiko, I've never mentioned this,
[12:47] Choro
    but your breath really does stink.
[12:48] Ichi
    Huh?!
[12:49] Choro
    It kind of smells like sewage.
[12:51] Ichi
    No way!
[12:52] Kara
    Maybe it's an internal problem.
[12:54] Ichi
    What? You don't change your
    underwear for, like, three days.
[12:57] Ichi
    You stink way more than me, Karako!
[12:59] Choro
    Ew, that's disgusting.
[13:00] Kara
    I can't help it if I can't take a bath!
[13:03] Kara
    I at least turn them inside-out!
[13:05] Todo
    You can't be serious!
[13:07] Todo
    I always thought you smelled
    like an old man, Karako.
[13:10] Todo
    But it actually goes beyond that.
    You're more like a wild animal.
[13:12] Todo
    Like, you'd do your business anywhere,
    even if people were looking.
[13:15] Choro
    She went there!
[13:17] Kara
    Who are you calling an animal, huh?!
[13:20] Kara
    All you guys think about all
    day is fuck, fuck, fucking!
[13:23] Kara
    All you think about is fucking all day!
[13:25] Kara
    You're more like animals than I am!
[13:28] Oso
    Karako, stop!
[13:31] Oso
    I know you're actually a good person, Karako.
[13:35] Oso
    I know you felt bad when
    a dragonfly got stuck,
[13:37] Oso
    but tore it in half when
    you tried to pull it free.
[13:39] Oso
    And that you felt bad when a dog wouldn't
    leave your side, so you threw water on it.
[13:42] Oso
    I know all of that.
[13:46] Kara
    Osoko...
[13:47] Oso
    We'll be friends forever.
[13:49] Ichi
    We're all soulmates of the soul.
[13:51] Jyu
    Let's stay BFFs even when
    we're all old and wrinkly.
[13:54] Todo
    It's a promise!
[13:55] Choro
    We don't even need men!
SIGN    Incoming Call
[14:04] Oso
    Hey, what are you doing?
[14:06] Oso
    What? You can't come?
[14:08] Oso
    Why?!
[14:09] Oso
    Hey!
SIGN    The End
SIGN    "Accident?"
[14:19] Oso
    Man... I already lost on New Year's...
[14:32] Oso
    I'm home.
[16:16] Oso
    So good! It's so good!
[16:19] Jyu
    So good! So good!
[16:23] Dad
    This is great, dear.
[16:24] Mom
    So good.
[16:28] Todo
    What's wrong, Choromatsu-niisan?
[16:31] Oso
    Could you hand me the ladle, Choromatsu?
[16:43] Oso
    Ow, that's hot!
[16:45] Oso
    Are you stupid? Are you friggin' stupid?!
[16:47] Todo
    What are you doing?
[16:48] Choro
    Oh, my bad. I guess there are things
    you just shouldn't do, even as brothers.
[16:53] Choro
    My bad.
[16:56] Oso
    What the heck? That was
    actually almost funny.
[17:00] Todo
    Wait, did you do something, Osomatsu-niisan?
[17:02] Oso
    Not really. I just accidentally
    saw Choromatsu jer—
[17:06] Choro
    Hey! Don't say it!
[17:07] Oso
    Oh, who cares? We're brothers.
[17:10] Choro
    It's even worse because we're brothers!
[17:12] Oso
    Look, it's nothing to worry about...
[17:15] Oso
    Fappymatsu.
[17:17] Todo
    Hold on! Apologize to him!
[17:19] Oso
    Huh?
[17:20] Todo
    Come on, you can't call
    him Fappymatsu. I mean...
[17:23] Todo
    It's too funny!
[17:26] Choro
    This sucks. They're going to
    tease me about this for life.
[17:31] Choro
    Hey.
[17:33] Choro
    I always hated that about you.
[17:37] Oso
    Huh?
[17:37] Choro
    You have no tact.
    Why would you say that?
[17:39] Choro
    All you want is attention,
    you boorish human. Die.
[17:42] Oso
    What?
[17:43] Oso
    If we're going there,
[17:44] Oso
    who's the one who borrowed this boorish
    human's dirty magazine without asking?
[17:49] Todo
    What? Fappymatsu-niisan
    did something that vile?
[17:52] Kara
    I'm kinda shocked.
[17:53] Ichi
    That's wrong.
[17:54] Jyu
    So wrong!
[17:55] Oso
    Uh, I know that all of you do the same thing.
[17:59] Todo
    I-I have my own hidden in my closet.
[18:03] Kara
    Mine's behind the bookshelf.
[18:05] Ichi
    Mine's under the floor.
SIGN    Everybody's Bug Encyclopedia
[18:07] Jyu
    Mine's in the attic.
[18:08] Choro
    How many dirty magazines are in this house?!
[18:11] Oso
    But I'm fine with all of that.
[18:13] Oso
    I mean, we're all brothers. I don't care
    if you guys are pervs or weirdos.
[18:17] Oso
    And yet, this guy...
[18:19] Oso
    Is he trying to act like he's better than us?
[18:22] Oso
    Especially when he tries to act
    like he's looking for a job!
[18:25] Oso
    You haven't even done anything!
[18:27] Oso
    What you are doing is going
    to your room alone to fa—
[18:30] Oso
    Ow! Chorofappyski!
[18:31] Choro
    Who the hell is Chorofappyski?!
[18:33] Oso
    Chorofappyski! Chorofappyski!
[18:33] Choro
    I'm not some historical figure! I'm your brother!
[18:46] Todo
    Come on, stop it, you two.
    You're not kids anymore.
[18:50] Oso
    Aww, we got scolded by the youngest
    because of Alexfapper Graham Bell.
[18:54] Choro
    Who the hell is Alexfapper Graham Bell?!
[18:57] Todo
    You're in the wrong here, Osomatsu-niisan.
    Idol otaku have their pride, you know.
[19:02] Oso
    Uh-oh. You totally stepped on a landmine.
[19:04] Choro
    You shouldn't even exist,
    and you have the nerve to say that?
[19:08] Todo
    Sh-Shouldn't even exist?
[19:09] Choro
    Yeah. I mean, sextuplets are sort of half-assed.
[19:12] Choro
    Five or seven would have been better.
[19:14] Todo
    Huh?!
[19:15] Choro
    Having an even number is sort of blah.
[19:17] Choro
    We can't have a center. But if we had five...
[19:21] Choro
    It just works.
[19:25] Jyu
    The "Totty shouldn't exist" theory.
[19:26] Todo
    Piss off!
[19:28] Todo
    Stop moving away from me!
[19:30] Todo
    You know, if I weren't around,
    we brothers would be in trouble!
[19:32] Todo
    From the top, we have stupid, painful,
    Fappymatsu, Kittymatsu, and Jyushimatsu!
[19:36] Todo
    Who would be the good-looking one?
[19:38] Ichi
    Uh, you're not really that attractive.
[19:41] Ichi
    You're just sly. It gets boring after a while.
[19:44] Todo
    Shut up!
[19:46] Todo
    Actually, why don't you drop that
    character already, Ichimatsu-niisan?
[19:50] Ichi
    Huh? What character?
[19:51] Todo
    You're totally a normie.
    That was proven with the ESP kitty.
[19:58] Todo
    "I'm sorry, too." You're totally normal!
[20:01] Todo
    Zero darkness! Normal fourth brother!
[20:06] Ichi
    Bye!
[20:07] Todo
    Hey! Don't take those!
[20:11] Kara
    If you guys have any problems
    with me, you can just tell m—
[20:17] Kara
    Huh?
[20:21] Jyu
    Gotcha!
[20:24] Jyu
    Here I go!
[20:29] Jyu
    Personal best!
[20:32] Choro
    Actually, when did Jyushimatsu
    start acting like this?
[20:32] Jyu
    Butterfly!
[20:34] Jyu
    Crawl!
[20:35] Choro
    He wasn't like this as a kid, was he?
[20:36] Jyu
    And then butterfly!
[20:37] Todo
    He might actually have the most
    emotional darkness of all of us.
[20:37] Jyu
    Breaststroke, and then butterfly! Butterfly!
[20:40] Choro
    Creepy!
[20:42] Jyu
    Whoa, really? Total downer.
[20:45] Jyu
    Muscle, muscle! Hustle, hustle!
[20:48] Choro
    That's exactly what I'm—
[20:49] Oso
    Fappymatsu.
[20:51] Oso
    Sorry about today. I made this
    so that it won't ever happen again.
SIGN    Caution: Fapping in Progress
[20:56] Oso
    Use it next time.
[20:58] Choro
    You're making fun of me!
[21:00] Oso
    What the hell?!
[21:02] Todo
    That's enough!
[21:03] Ichi
    Hey, Totty, is this your collection?
[21:05] Todo
    Hey! When did you—
[21:15] Choro
    Who threw that?
[21:21] Ichi
    That stinks!
[21:23] Kra
    Stop!
[21:25] Todo
    Stop it!
[21:26] Oso
    No! What the hell are you doing?!
[21:29] Choro
    Why, you...
[21:29] Choro
    Ow!
[21:32] Jyu
    Hi-yah!
[21:35] Guys
    What the hell are you doing?!
[21:36] Guys
    Your feet reek!
[21:38] Guys
    Your feet reek!
[21:52] Oso
    Pass the soy sauce, Choromatsu.
[21:54] Choro
    Here.
SIGN    The End
SIGN    Next Time on Osomatsu-san
[23:31] Todo
    This is Todomatsu.
[23:32] Todo
    Man, is it ever cold.
[23:33] Todo
    This is the season when cheese
    fondue tastes the best.
[23:35] Todo
    Though we'd never be able to eat
    something that fancy at my house.
[23:39] Todo
    We always have our imaginary cheese
    fondue in our imaginary terrace house
[23:42] Todo
    and imagine we're having fun
    with our imaginary friends.
SIGN    "We Caught a Cold" "Todomatsu's Line" "Choromatsu-sensei"
[23:45] Todo
    Huh? You don't know what I'm talking about?
[23:48] Todo
    Neither do I.