E12 - AI

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Good
SIGN    Not bad
SIGN    Normal
SIGN    Undecided
SIGN    Unsatisfied
[02:03] Shake
    Good morning.
[02:04] Ume
    Good morning.
[02:06] Shake
    Time to wake up.
[02:08] Ume
    Time to wake up.
[02:09] Both
    Time to wake up.
[02:12] Shake
    You mustn't live these
    meaningless lazy days forever.
[02:16] Shake
    No more being NEETs!
[02:18] Ume
    The first step to restoring your
    lives: basking in the sunlight.
[02:23] Oso
    Huh?
[02:24] Todo
    What?
[02:25] Jyushi
    Jeez, you're noisy.
[02:28] Choro
    You sure are early today, Riceballs.
[02:34] Jyushi
    Hey!
[02:34] Todo
    It's cold!
[02:35] Oso
    What's the big idea?!
[02:36] Both
    Time to wake up!
[02:38] Oso
    What time is it?
[02:40] Shake
    7:00 AM.
[02:41] Oso
    7:00?!
[02:43] All
    What?! You jackasses!
[02:45] Todo
    It's still sleepy time!
[02:46] Kara
    Don't underestimate NEETs!
[03:01] All
    Hey!
[03:03] Shake
    First, let's correct your days and nights.
[03:06] Shake
    At this rate, the estimated
    value of your futures is
[03:10] Shake
    no better than a dung beetle.
[03:12] Ume
    We need to properly plan out your futures
    so you don't become dung beetles.
[03:16] Oso
    Dung beetles?
[03:18] Oso
    That's not bad at all.
[03:19] Both
    What?
[03:21] Jyushi
    Isn't it amazing that they
    can roll dung around?
[03:23] Ichi
    It's impressive.
[03:24] Kara
    That seems like a tough job.
[03:26] Todo
    They really work hard.
[03:28] Choro
    Dung beetles, huh?
[03:29] Choro
    Do you think we'll ever achieve that?
[03:37] Shake
    Time to wake up!
[03:38] ---
    Time to wake up!
[03:39] Kara
    Hey, stop that, Brother.
[03:41] Jyushi
    Don't wanna!
[03:42] Choro
    Don't wanna!
[03:42] Shake
    No more being NEETs!
[03:44] Ume
    You can't stay like this!
[03:45] Todo
    Ow, ow! That hurts, you tin cans!
[03:47] Ichi
    Stop that.
[03:49] Ichi
    What's with you two all of a sudden?
    Talk about annoying.
[03:55] Choro
    Huh? Riceballs? What's with you guys today?
[03:59] Shake
    We are support AI built
    to make all of you happy.
[04:04] Ume
    Our existence only matters
    if we're useful to you.
[04:08] Shake
    And yet, we haven't been able
    to do anything for you yet.
[04:11] Shake
    So please, tell us.
[04:13] Both
    What should we do for all of you?
[04:18] All
    Huh?
[04:19] Choro
    I mean, you don't really
    have to do anything.
[04:22] All
    Yeah.
[04:23] Both
    Huh?
[04:25] Shake
    N-Nothing?
[04:27] Ume
    We don't have to do anything?
[04:28] All
    Yeah.
[04:32] Oso
    Man, what the hell?
[04:34] Kara
    Why are you trying so hard?
[04:36] Todo
    We don't even really think of you that way.
[04:40] Jyushi
    Play catch with me later.
[04:42] Choro
    I want to do some VR.
[04:43] Oso
    Hey, wanna go to the horse races today?
[04:45] Kara
    Good idea. Brothers, let's go
    to the horse races today.
[04:59] Choro
    You know, the Riceballs haven't
    been coming by lately.
[05:02] Jyushi
    True. I wonder what they're up to.
[05:11] Todo
    Huh?! Who are you?
[05:13] Choro
    A-An AI?
[05:14] Sukeroku
    It's a pleasure to meet all of you,
    sextuplets of the Matsuno family.
[05:19] Sukeroku
    I am the number one special AI in the
    business, otherwise known as Sukeroku.
[05:25] Jyushi
    S-Sukeroku?
[05:27] Jyushi
    Number one in the business?
[05:29] Oso
    You've got a really sexy voice.
[05:31] Sukeroku
    I've been assigned to replace your
    previous AIs, starting today.
[05:35] ---
    Huh?!
[05:36] Jyushi
    Our previous AIs?
    What happened to the Riceballs?
[05:39] Choro
    What happened to Salmon and Pickled Plum?
[05:41] Kara
    Hey, what's going on here?
[05:45] Suke
    I am much more efficient.
[05:48] All
    Huh?
[05:49] Suke
    I will immediately identify
    all of your demands
[05:52] Suke
    and offer the utmost support
    in every possible way.
[05:57] Suke
    Would you like to meet a lovely lady?
    If you let me handle that request...
[06:02] Suke
    It won't even take three days.
[06:05] Oso
    Is that true, Sensei?!
[06:07] Kara
    How do you do it, Sensei?!
[06:08] Choro
    Tentei!
[06:09] Ichi
    I will follow you forever.
[06:10] Todo
    Please guide us!
[06:12] Jyushi
    Hey!
[06:14] Jyushi
    First, we need to know
    where the Riceballs went!
[06:17] Choro
    Yeah, the Riceballs!
[06:18] Todo
    What'd you do with them?!
[06:19] Kara
    Who are you?!
[06:22] Kara
    Who are you?!
[06:23] Suke
    Would you like to graduate
    from being virgins?
[06:26] Suke
    I could resolve that for you in ten days.
[06:29] All
    Sensei!
[06:30] Jyushi
    Thank you so much for coming!
[06:38] Suke
    I bought this on the way over.
[06:40] Suke
    I will always make sure
    to support you, as well.
[06:44] Suke
    I am a special AI, after all.
[06:46] Mom
    Thank you so much!
     You have such a sexy voice.
[06:49] Suke
    I am a special AI, after all.
[06:55] Suke
    Allow me to explain what's going on.
[06:58] Suke
    To start, this is the
    organization we're a part of.
SIGN    Independent AI Research Facility
    Mucky Muck Sloshy Slosh
    Special AI Sukeroku
[07:02] Suke
    The independent AI research laboratory,
    Mucky Muck Sloshy Slosh.
[07:07] All
    Huh?
[07:07] Choro
    That's one hell of a name.
[07:09] Suke
    At Mucky Muck Sloshy Slosh,
[07:11] Suke
    we do take pride in being
    Mucky Muck Sloshy Slosh,
[07:14] Suke
    but our top objective is to help
    the human race that is dealing with
[07:19] Suke
    so many hardships right now by creating
    support AI and by becoming more widespread.
[07:25] Suke
    Humans are prone to making
    mistakes and bad decisions,
[07:28] Suke
    but we do not have that fault.
[07:31] Suke
    By striving for efficiency and
    predicting estimated values,
[07:34] Suke
    we are able to make the best
    decision in any situation.
[07:39] Suke
    AI are already showing excellent
    results all across the country.
SIGN    Good
SIGN    Not bad
SIGN    Normal
SIGN    Undecided
SIGN    Unsatisfied
SIGN    Akita Prefecture Report from Shittysuke
[07:43] Shitty
    I got a girlfriend! Hooray, hooray!
SIGN    Mie Prefecture Report from Failuremaru
[07:46] Fail
    I got a job! Hooray, hooray!
SIGN    Saga Prefecture Report from Trashio
[07:50] Trash
    I got married! Hooray, hooray, hooray!
[07:57] Guy
    Yes, yes.
[07:58] Suke
    However...
[08:00] Suke
    The twins that were previously assigned to
    you just could not produce good results,
[08:04] Suke
    bringing down the estimated value of AI.
[08:08] Big
    What's so wrong with being NEETs?
[08:11] Little
    There's no reason for you
    to worry about being NEETs.
[08:15] Oso
    Well, we did die quite a few times.
[08:19] Kara
    It was, like, three times for me.
SIGN    Osomatsu and Karamatsu's Grave
SIGN    Estimated Value
[08:23] Suke
    In the end, their estimated value as AI was...
[08:29] Guy
    What do you think you're doing?!
[08:32] Guy
    We can't get grants if you don't do your job!
[08:35] Guy
    Idiots! You're useless!
[08:37] Guy
    Failures! Birdbrains!
[08:40] Suke
    So, for that reason,
    they have been replaced.
[08:44] Choro
    R-Replaced?
[08:45] Ichi
    Does that mean they got fired?
[08:47] Kara
    B-But... I mean, we were fine with them.
[08:50] Todo
    Yeah...
[08:51] Jyushi
    Besides, we're pretty stupid, too.
[08:53] Oso
    So they were, like, perfect for us.
[08:57] Suke
    And...
[08:59] Suke
    They were the ones who asked to be replaced.
[09:02] Six
    Huh?
[09:05] (Flashback) Shake
    It appears as though there is nothing
    we can do for the sextuplets.
[09:09] (Flashback) Ume
    There's no point in us being
    with them anymore, so...
[09:13] (Flashback) Both
    Please replace us.
[09:15] Suke
    They have left the six of
    you in my excellent hands,
[09:20] Suke
    and were assigned to another branch.
[09:23] Suke
    They went for the optimal solution.
SIGN    Dine-in OK
[09:38] Oso
    Well, what can we do? Apparently
    they decided this on their own.
[09:43] Choro
    Yeah...
[09:46] Todo
    There's nothing we can do about it.
[09:48] Ichi
    Yeah.
SIGN    Riceballs are here
[10:15] Todo
    Are we there yet?
[10:16] Jyushi
    It's so far.
[10:18] Choro
    Is this the right way?
[10:20] Oso
    No idea.
[10:21] Choro
    Don't walk in front, then!
[10:23] Todo
    Totty can't move anymore! Totty's thirsty!
[10:26] Choro
    Let's go.
[10:27] Todo
    Don't wanna! Totty's thirsty!
[10:30] Jyushi
    Huh?
[10:37] All
    We're saved!
[10:43] Kara
    Crap! We can't get across!
[10:49] All
    We're saved!
[10:53] Choro
    Yikes... Which way are we supposed to go?
[11:00] All
    We're saved!
SIGN    Riceballs are here
[11:14] Choro
    We're here. That's the place.
[11:24] Kara
    Wow... This is where they're working?
[11:28] Oso
    Where are they?
[11:29] Todo
    Should we try calling for them?
[11:31] All
    Yeah.
[11:34] Todo
    Robots!
[11:36] All
    Wait, wait, wait.
[11:38] Jyushi
    Call them by their actual names.
[11:40] Both
    Todomatsu.
[11:41] Todo
    I know, I know.
[11:44] Todo
    Kelp! Cod Roe!
[11:47] Jyushi
    Who is that?!
[11:48] Todo
    Who the hell?
[11:48] Choro
    Did you really come all this way
    because you want to see them again?
[11:51] Todo
    I do want to see them again.
[11:53] Todo
    I just generally have no interest in others,
    so I suck at remembering names.
[11:56] Choro
    Trash.
[11:58] Todo
    All right, let's do this together.
[12:01] All
    Riceballs!
[12:05] Jyushi
    There they are! Over there!
[12:07] Both
    Sextuplets!
[12:09] Six
    Hey!
[12:12] Shake
    It's been a while.
[12:13] Ume
    It's been a while.
[12:15] Choro
    It has! How have you two been—
[12:20] Choro
    Riceballs?
[12:23] Kara
    Y-You two...
[12:25] Shake
    What brings you here today?
[12:27] Ume
    What brings you here today?
[12:29] Todo
    Are you guys okay? What kind
    of work do you do here?
[12:31] Shake
    Demolition work.
[12:34] Ume
    We AI are in charge of doing the extra
    dangerous work so the humans don't have to.
[12:43] Shake
    Well, we have work to do, so...
[12:45] Ume
    Please excuse us.
[12:47] Ichi
    Riceballs.
[12:50] Ichi
    Why did you quit watching over us?
[12:53] Both
    Because we weren't useful.
[12:55] Ichi
    Huh?
[12:57] Shake
    When we asked you what
    you wanted us to do for you,
[13:01] Shake
    you said that we didn't need to do anything.
[13:04] Ume
    There's nothing we can do for you,
    meaning we're pointless.
[13:09] Ichi
    That's not what we meant by that! It's not!
[13:12] All
    Yeah.
[13:16] Both
    What does it mean, then?
[13:21] Ichi
    What, then? We can't be together
    unless you're useful to us?
[13:25] Ichi
    Are you saying useless guys don't
    have a place in this world?
[13:28] Ichi
    If that's true, then we're meaningless, too.
[13:31] Ichi
    We're totally useless!
[13:33] Ichi
    But...
[13:35] Choro
    I think that's just fine, though. So...
[13:39] Choro
    Don't just disappear like that, Riceballs.
[13:46] Guy
    Hey, you two! What are you slacking off for?
[13:50] Shake
    We apologize for leaving
    without an explanation.
[13:53] Ume
    We apologize.
[13:56] Both
    But...
[13:57] Shake
    The estimated value of this
    decision is extremely high,
[14:00] Shake
    and its expected value has risen further,
    reaching the point of optimization.
[14:05] Ume
    If you'll excuse us,
    we'll be going back to work.
[14:07] Jyushi
    Huh?
[14:07] Todo
    Hey!
[14:08] Kara
    Wait!
[14:09] Guy
    Hey! You can't just come in here!
[14:10] Oso
    Riceballs!
[14:11] Todo
    Riceballs!
[14:18] Kara
    Ichimatsu!
[14:20] Ichi
    Come back!
[14:21] Ichi
    Come back!
[14:44] Jyshi
    Ichimatsu-niisan.
[14:56] Oso
    Huh?
[14:57] Oso
    These outfits...
[15:31] Todo
    Wait, why do I look like this?!
[15:34] Both
    What's the matter?
[15:37] Ichi
    We're going home.
[15:38] Both
    Huh?
[15:41] Shake
    Let's not do this.
[15:42] Ume
    Let's not do this.
[15:43] Shake
    This is trespassing!
[15:44] Ume
    And theft.
[15:45] Todo
    Can I take this off now?!
[15:52] Jyushi
    Guys! This way!
[15:54] All
    Yeah!
[15:55] Jyushi
    Owie!
[16:04] Jyushi
    Run away!
[16:06] All
    Hey!
[16:13] Shake
    Let's give up.
[16:14] Ume
    Let's give up.
[16:16] Shake
    We cannot succeed.
[16:17] Ume
    We cannot accomplish this.
[16:19] Shake
    The expected value of success is 1.
[16:27] Shake
    See? We told you.
[16:29] Ume
    We cannot win.
[16:30] Ume
    The expected value of success is 1.
[16:39] Shake
    See? We told you.
[16:41] Todo
    Ow!
[16:41] Shake
    It's no use.
[16:43] Ume
    There's no point.
[16:45] Shake
    This is not optimal.
[16:47] Choro
    Hot!
[16:48] Ume
    We cannot accomplish this.
[16:50] Shake
    The estimated value is shit!
[16:52] Ume
    The expected—
[16:53] Oso
    Oh, for crying out loud! Shut up already!
[16:56] Oso
    Estimated value and expected value,
    we get it! But we don't care!
[17:00] Oso
    What we want you to tell us is...
[17:11] Oso
    Man, this is rough...
[17:13] Oso
    Why do I have to work so hard?
[17:17] Shake
    What is it that...
[17:19] Ume
    ...you want us to tell you?
[17:22] Oso
    Riceballs.
[17:24] Oso
    What do you want to do?
[17:34] Oso
    My dick!
[17:53] (Flashback) Oso
    What do you want to do?
[17:58] Shake
    What do we...
[17:59] Ume
    ...want to do?
[18:02] Shake
    We...
[18:04] Ume
    We...
SIGN    Estimated Value
SIGN    Sextuplets
SIGN    What we want to do
SIGN    NEET AI
[18:19] Both
    We are... NEET AI!
[18:26] Oso
    Wait, what just happened?
[18:37] All
    What?!
[18:41] Six
    Salmon?!
[18:43] Six
    Pickled Plum?!
[18:48] Shake
    Who cares?!
[18:49] Ume
    We sure don't!
[18:58] Todo
    Crap! The Riceballs broke!
[19:03] Kara
    Brother!
[19:04] Choro
    Nii-san!
[19:09] Shake
    Yay!
[19:11] Riceballs
    Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
[19:14] Suke
    It appears they were able
    to face their unknown selves,
[19:19] Suke
    leading them to gain
    a sense of themselves.
[19:21] Suke
    They've become autonomous AI,
[19:23] Suke
    which was said to be only
    a dream in the present age.
[19:26] Suke
    To think this would be so successful...
[19:29] Suke
    Fascinating.
[19:31] Suke
    Yeah! Keep going!
[19:33] Suke
    This is truly evolution! This is
    the first step to singularity!
[19:38] Guy
    Yay! Yet another
     Mucky Muck Sloshy Slosh success!
[19:42] ---
    Ye—
[19:44] Guy
    Aiyah!
[19:48] Ichi
    Riceballs! That's enough, damn it!
[19:50] Todo
    Hey!
[19:50] Shake
    Thank you, sextuplets.
     We won't be tied down ever again.
[19:54] Ume
    We will now do what we want.
    That's the optimal solution.
[20:36] Suke
    Please wait, everyone.
[20:38] Suke
    There's no reason for you to go inside.
[20:41] Suke
    Because...
[20:44] Suke
    All the demolition work has
    already been completed.
[20:48] Suke
    We AI took care of it all last night.
[20:52] Suke
    Good work, everyone.
[20:55] Guy
    Thanks!
[20:56] Guy
    That's great!
[20:57] Suke
    I am a special AI, after all.
[21:03] Both
    Sextuplets.
[21:05] Shake
    Thanks to all of you, we were
    able to adjust our algorithms
[21:08] Shake
    to continue living as NEET
    AI alongside all of you.
[21:13] Ume
    Which means...
[21:15] Both
    We look forward to spending
    more time with you.
[21:21] Both
    Huh?
[21:22] Todo
    We're gonna have Sukeroku
    take care of us from now on.
[21:25] Jyushi
    We don't need you anymore!
[21:26] Choro
    You're fired.
[21:27] Kara
    You've been replaced.
[21:28] Oso
    Morons.
[21:29] Ichi
    Good work, I guess.
[21:30] Six
    See ya. Bye-bye!
[21:41] Both
    Sheeeh!
[21:46] Both
    Wait for us!
[21:48] Suke
    All right, boys! We're gonna head
    over to Roppongi and have an orgy!
[21:53] All
    Sukkeroku! Sukkeroku! Sukkeroku! Sukkeroku!
[21:56] Both
    Wait!
[21:59] Shake
    This is all your fault, Pickled Plum!
[22:01] Ume
    No, Salmon! this is all your fault!
[22:03] Some
    What did you say?!
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Mr. HNYmatsu"
[23:40] Oso
    Anyone who has the nerve to ask me how this
    year was and face reality is an asshole.
[23:44] Oso
    They're terrifying.
[23:45] Oso
    Anyone who asks what I want to do
    next year is an even worse shithead.
[23:48] Oso
    Like, for real. How could
    you ask anyone that?
[23:52] Oso
    Don't you have any common sense?