E21 - Mahjong / Godmatsu

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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Mahjong"
[00:25] Kara
    A long night...
[00:28] Kara
    had begun.
[02:03] Kara
    It's our first mahjong game in a few months.
[02:05] Kara
    This first round
[02:10] Kara
    opened with Choromatsu as the starting dealer.
SIGN    East Hand 1
[02:15] Kara
    Usually, we're just shitty NEETs.
[02:17] Kara
    But when mahjong is involved...
[02:21] Oso
    Riichi.
[02:23] Choro
    That was fast. What's his hand?
[02:25] Choro
    It's probably safe to assume a tanpin,
    and likely one with lots of waits.
[02:30] Choro
    The north wind that he declared riichi
    with is safe, with two in discards.
[02:33] Choro
    There's a high possibility he was one away
    from tenpai with two open waits.
[02:37] Choro
    Which means the discarded four
    of characters suji should still be safe.
[02:41] Choro
    All right.
[02:43] Todo
    Seven of characters? On the first play?
[02:45] Todo
    That's messed up.
[02:46] Todo
    He may be the dealer, but still,
    it was Choromatsu-niisan who played it.
[02:49] Todo
    Is he close to tenpai? Or in tenpai?
[02:51] Todo
    But if he's in tenpai, he can declare riichi
    right away, since he has the East seat.
[02:55] Todo
    Wait, he might also have one
    chance with a six of characters.
[02:59] Todo
    But he could also have tiles no one's discarded yet,
    dual pairs, or an edge wait on the seven.
[03:03] Todo
    Well, I guess there's no
    reason to push this hand.
[03:06] Jyu
    Seven of circles? He's out.
[03:09] Jyu
    He discarded the safe tile
    of the player in riichi,
[03:12] ---
    taking care of the tile that
    might be dangerous later
[03:15] Jyu
    if the dealer declares a riichi of his own.
[03:17] Jyu
    But what I want to know is, where's the dora?
[03:20] Jyu
    It's a chiitoi with two dora,
    so he can't quit so easily.
[03:25] Jyu
    The player in riichi plays the dora indicator,
    the seven of circles, on the third turn,
[03:28] ---
    then come the one and four of characters.
[03:30] ---
    In other words, discarding that seven of circles
    might have solidified his pair of dora.
[03:34] Jyu
    So a menpin with two dora, for a mangan?
[03:37] Jyu
    Or a tanyao might be added to it,
    so any reverse dora would make it a haneman.
[03:41] Jyu
    But then, why would the dealer push it that way?
[03:44] Jyu
    He shouldn't have any dora,
    or the east wind tiles...
[03:46] Jyu
    Wait, does that mean he has a lot of circles?
[03:50] Jyu
    Maybe the dora is over there.
SIGN    Draw
[04:20] Kara
    It looked like a quiet start, but...
[04:24] Oso
    Tenpai.
[04:28] Choro
    W-With only riichi?
[04:29] Todo
    Edge wait on the three of circles!
[04:30] Jyu
    He got us!
[04:32] Kara
    Osomatsu's mahjong policy is
    to play as recklessly as possible.
[04:37] Kara
    In addition to closed and edge waits...
SIGN    East Hand 2
[04:39] Oso
    Riichi.
[04:40] Kara
    He didn't balk at declaring
    riichi with a single wait.
[04:42] Kara
    And once you've declared, there's no folding.
SIGN    East Hand 3
[04:45] Kara
    The hand that keeps pushing,
    even against a dealer riichi...
[04:47] Kara
    You push, push, and keep pushing.
[04:50] Kara
    As a result...
[04:50] Jyu
    Ron. 12,000.
[04:52] Jyu
    Ron. 12,000, so 12,300.
[04:55] Todo
    Ron. 18,000.
[04:57] Oso
    Bust!
[04:59] Kara
    No ability to defend.
    Probability of a bust: 100%.
SIGN    Osomatsu
SIGN    Never Sees the Last Hand
[05:03] Kara
    Osomatsu, Who Never Sees the Last Hand.
[05:05] Todo
    Oh, you silly. You're too gracious
    a loser, Osomatsu-niisan.
[05:09] Kara
    Meanwhile, Todomatsu's mahjong
    is just slightly different.
[05:12] Kara
    A calling style, singing strong and fast.
[05:16] Todo
    Pon.
[05:17] Kara
    Not only does he have speed,
[05:18] Todo
    Chi.
[05:19] Kara
    but at times, he hands
    the next player sweet tiles
[05:20] Todo
    Pon.
[05:21] Kara
    and goads rivals to crush each other.
[05:22] Todo
    Chi.
[05:24] Jyu
    Chi.
[05:28] Kara
    However...
[05:29] Jyu
    Riichi.
[05:30] Todo
    Huh?
[05:30] Ichi
    Riichi.
[05:31] Todo
    What?!
[05:32] Choro
    Pon.
[05:34] Todo
    What?! Three in tenpai?!
[05:38] Kara
    When pushed, his mentality is so
    weak that he pisses himself.
[05:41] Kara
    The longest he can play is 40 minutes.
SIGN    Todomatsu
SIGN    The Prince of
    Minimal Loss
[05:44] Kara
    The Prince of Minimal Loss, Todomatsu.
[05:49] Todo
    I p-pass.
[05:50] Three
    There's no passing!
[05:52] Choro
    Good grief. That's what you get
    for not securing any safe tiles.
[05:55] Kra
    Choromatsu. The digital player who
    plays defensively and logically.
[05:59] Kara
    He reads the situation,
    and makes only the best moves.
[06:03] Kara
    He doesn't believe in the flow or luck.
[06:05] Kara
    His mahjong can be categorized as superior.
[06:07] Kara
    However...
[06:08] Choro
    R-Riichi.
[06:10] Kara
    His downfall is that he can't tell a lie.
[06:12] Kara
    His waits are apparent in his eyes,
    and his ron are hopeless.
SIGN    Choromatsu
SIGN    No Return Open Riichi
[06:16] Kara
    No Return Open Riichi Choromatsu.
[06:18] Choro
    Huh? It's not coming out.
[06:20] Thre
    Uh, of course not.
[06:23] Jyu
    I have no intention of losing.
[06:25] Kara
    Jyushimatsu. The inexplicable occult system.
[06:28] Jyu
    1,000 points!
[06:30] Kara
    A cheap, nothing hand.
[06:31] Kara
    However, as a result of this,
    he goes into the zone.
[06:34] Jyu
    Tsumo! Tsumo! Tsumo!
[06:35] Kara
    Jyushimatsu Time is time for absolute offense.
[06:37] Kara
    Once he has a hand, there's no stopping him.
[06:40] Kra
    However...
[06:41] Jyu
    Ron!
[06:41] Ichi
    Huh? That hand doesn't have enough tiles.
[06:45] Kara
    Once his excitement rises,
    so do his odds of rule violations.
SIGN    The Tyrant
    of Furiten
SIGN    Jyushimatsu
[06:49] Kara
    The Tyrant of Furiten, Jyushimatsu.
[06:51] Ichi
    Try again.
[06:54] Kara
    Ah, Ichimatsu...
[06:56] Kara
    The odd discards, the odd calls.
[06:58] Ichi
    Pon.
[06:58] Kara
    His speed and plays are totally unreadable,
    making it black box mahjong.
[07:02] Kara
    However...
[07:03] Kara
    He's just normally weak, and normally
    loses a lot, and has a pissy attitude.
SIGN    Table-Flipping
SIGN    Ichimatsu
[07:10] Kara
    Table-Flipping Ichimatsu.
[07:13] Ichi
    Why don't we go to bed?
[07:14] Choro
    Are you a child?!
[07:16] Kara
    The time has finally come to
    show you Karamatsu mahjong.
[07:20] Kara
    I am the winning hand artist.
[07:21] Kara
    There's no point in winning by compromise.
[07:24] Kara
    Mangan? Haneman?
[07:26] Kara
    Menchin? Non, non.
[07:29] Kara
    I'll only settle for yakuman, and won't
    even accept baiman tenpai. Therefore...
[07:33] Choro
    Tsumo.
[07:34] Kra
    Success!
[07:35] Kara
    The poor man everyone wins off of...
[07:36] Sign
    Karamatsu
SIGN    The Never-Winning Fantasista
[07:37] Kara
    The Never-Winning Fantasista, Karamatsu.
[07:42] Kara
    I'm bust.
[07:42] Todo
    You're so freaking weak, as usual!
[07:46] Oso
    Aw, man.
[07:48] Oso
    This is boring.
[07:52] Oso
    You guys aren't playing mahjong just
    to collect these point sticks, are you?
[07:59] Oso
    Let's play for real.
[08:02] Oso
    A game of life or death where
    everything rides on just one tile.
[08:09] Choro
    So you're saying we should get serious?
[08:11] Todo
    I will kill you, even though you're my brothers.
[08:14] Ichi
    You guys better start
    digging your own graves.
[08:17] Jyu
    Let's make it so you can't bust.
[08:18] Kara
    We're going to crush each other.
[08:21] Oso
    You guys...
[08:23] Oso
    better prepare yourselves.
[08:26] Kara
    Yes, this is where the true battle began.
[08:28] Kara
    The limitless, no-brakes Matsuno
    Family mahjong has begun.
[08:33] Kara
    The first one to catch
    the flow was Osomatsu.
SIGN    Matsuno Family Mahjong East Hand 1
[08:35] Kara
    He remained dealer for several hands.
[08:38] Oso
    Ron.
[08:39] Oso
    5,800, so 6,100.
[08:43] ---
    Tsumo.
[08:44] Oso
    3,200 from all, so 3,400 from all.
[08:47] Oso
    Tsumo.
[08:49] Oso
    6,000 from all, so 6,300 from all.
[08:52] Oso
    Ron. 1,500, so 2,700.
[08:54] Oso
    Tsumo. 2,000 from all, so 2,500 from all.
[08:57] Oso
    Tenpai.
[08:58] Oso
    Tsumo. 1,300 from all, so 2,000 from all.
[09:01] ---
    Ron.
[09:02] Oso
    9,600, so 12,000.
[09:04] Oso
    Tsumo. 4,000 from all, so 4,900 from all.
[09:06] Oso
    Tsumo. 1,300 from all, so...
[09:10] Kara
    Eventually, there were over
    50,000 bonus counters.
SIGN    East Hand 1 Bonus: 50,042
[09:14] Oso
    Riichi.
[09:16] Oso
    Since you can't bust, I'm going to
    squeeze everything I can out of you.
[09:19] Todo
    Damn it. I can't let him win any more.
[09:22] Todo
    I'm going for it with this safe tile...
[09:27] Todo
    Go, safe tile! Go through!
[09:37] Todo
    I-It passed!
[09:39] Todo
    All right!
[09:39] Oso
    Well, of course it'll pass if it's a safe tile.
[09:42] Todo
    Yeah! Yay!
[09:42] Oso
    Don't be so happy, Totty! It's a safe tile!
[09:44] Todo
    I did it! Congratulations!
[09:45] Oso
    Please stop!
[09:46] Todo
    Thank you!
[09:46] Oso
    It's seriously annoying! Stop!
[09:49] Choro
    I can't lose, either.
[09:51] Choro
    This risky tile...
[09:53] Choro
    Go through!
[09:59] Choro
    It passed! Wahoo!
[10:01] Oso
    Uh, that's also a safe tile.
    I've already discarded one!
[10:05] Oso
    Wait, you wrote on this
    with a pen, Choromatsu!
[10:09] Oso
    Why are you guys fooling around now?
[10:10] Oso
    Don't do this just because you're losing!
[10:12] Kara
    The time has finally come.
[10:12] Oso
    Huh?!
[10:13] Kara
    The Godhand Jyushimatsu!
[10:16] Kara
    Yeah!
[10:17] Oso
    Uh, that yaku doesn't exist! Also,
    why do you have that many 1 of bamboo?
[10:19] Both
    Wow!
[10:20] Oso
    What the hell is a godhand?!
[10:22] Jyu
    Here, pon!
[10:23] Jyu
    Chi! Pon! Chi! And then...
[10:27] Jyu
    Naked wait!
[10:28] Oso
    That's enough of that! Let's just play mahjong!
[10:30] Ichi
    I did it!
[10:32] Ichi
    H-Hijirisawa Shonosuke!
[10:35] Five
    Yeah! Daisangen! Doot do do!
[10:39] Five
    Tsuuiisou! Pon, chi, pon, chi, Hijirisawa!
[10:45] Oso
    You guys don't play fair!
[10:47] Oso
    I was totally winning!
[10:51] Oso
    I'm never playing mahjong
    with you guys again!
[10:54] Oso
    Never!
SIGN    "Godmatsu"
[11:00] Oso
    Man, I'm so over it.
[11:03] Choro
    Over what?
[11:04] Oso
    Being with you guys.
[11:06] Choro
    Huh?
[11:06] Oso
    I mean, I'm around guys with
    the same face every single day.
[11:10] Oso
    We're all adults now. Why don't you
    guys go find your own place to live?
[11:14] Choro
    Uh, that would include you!
    You've got nerve to say that!
[11:16] Todo
    Rising Fappyski-niisan.
[11:18] Choro
    Who the hell is Rising Fappyski-niisan?
[11:20] Todo
    So, what? Are you trying to act
    like the honor student again?
[11:23] Choro
    No, I'm not...
[11:26] Choro
    I'm a failure, as well. I'll admit that.
[11:29] Oso
    What?! You admit that?
[11:30] Todo
    You don't want to work anymore?!
[11:31] Choro
    No, not...
[11:34] Choro
    ...in the least.
[11:38] Ichi
    What about job hunting?
[11:39] Choro
    I don't... don't, don't... feel like doing that at all.
[11:45] Kara
    Do you want someone to take
    care of you all your life?
[11:48] Choro
    Well, I wouldn't go that far.
[11:51] Jyu
    In reality?
[11:52] Choro
    I want to spend my life
    chasing after cute idols.
[11:56] Choro
    What the hell are you making me say?!
[11:58] Oso
    Aw, man... If Choromatsu's
    like this now, we're done for.
[12:04] Todo
    Yep. Done for.
[12:08] Some
    We're done.
[12:10] Kami
    Still... We'll have to work someday.
[12:14] Choro
    Well, that's true, but...
[12:16] Oso
    That sucks.
[12:17] Both
    Totally sucks.
[12:26] Oso
    Well, shall we?
[12:37] Todo
    The night breeze feels nice.
[12:40] Oso
    Oh, yeah. We haven't been
    to Chibita's in a while.
[12:44] Kara
    Yeah, he's probably lonely.
[12:46] Kami
    I want some oden.
[12:48] Todo
    Same here. Chibita's oden is so—
[12:53] Choro
    What's wrong, Totty?
[12:54] Todo
    Is someone following us?
    I feel a strange presence.
[12:58] Oso
    Huh? Are you getting all scared again?
[13:00] Ichi
    Here we go... So annoying.
[13:02] Todo
    No, it's not like that...
[13:09] Oso
    Hey... Isn't it kinda crowded in here today?
[13:11] Choro
    Yeah, I wonder why.
[13:13] Kami
    Sorry.
[13:14] Kara
    Hey, scoot over a little.
[13:16] Ichi
    I can't.
[13:17] Kami
    Wouldn't want to catch a chill after a bath.
[13:19] Todo
    Yeah, that's the worst for your—
[13:23] Todo
    Who are you?!
[13:24] Four
    What?!
[13:30] Oso
    Wh-Wha?!
[13:31] Jyu
    Right?
[13:32] Jyu
    He's there, right? Right?
[13:34] Ichi
    You noticed him, Jyushimatsu?
[13:35] Jyu
    Well, duh.
[13:37] Ichi
    Why didn't you say anything?
[13:38] Jyu
    Duh.
[13:38] Ichi
    People would usually mention that!
[13:39] Jyu
    Duh!
[13:41] Ichi
    What?!
[13:42] Kara
    Wh-Who are you? Who are you?
[13:44] Kami
    Sorry for surprising you. I'm Godmatsu.
[13:49] Kami
    I'm your seventh brother who
    was born from all of you.
[13:52] All
    Huh?
[13:53] Kami
    I was born when, every day, a little
    bit of good fell off of you guys,
[13:59] Kami
    and all of that goodness gradually came
    together to create the godliest, purest Matsu.
[14:05] Kami
    Perfect among the perfect.
    The ideal among the ideal.
[14:09] Kami
    That's me, Godmatsu.
[14:13] Oso
    Sorry, you lost me.
[14:14] God
    Huh?
[14:15] Choro
    I don't get it at all.
[14:16] God
    Ah...
[14:17] Oso
    Would you draw it for us?
[14:21] Kami
    Oh, sure.
SIGN    Good Hearts
SIGN    God
[14:25] Kami
    Like this.
[14:26] Six
    Huh...
[14:27] Six
    I see.
[14:28] Oso
    I guess stuff like this happens.
[14:30] Choro
    And the shocking truth is that
    gathering this from six of us was
[14:33] Choro
    barely enough to make one person.
[14:35] Todo
    And? What's your motive?
[14:38] Kami
    Motive?
[14:39] Todo
    You were born to do something, right?
    What do you want to do with us?
[14:45] Kami
    Nothing, really.
[14:46] Todo
    "Nothing, really"?!
[14:47] Kami
    Yeah. I mean, I was given
    life because of you guys.
[14:52] Kami
    Not to mention, I have clothes to
    wear, and a futon to sleep in.
[14:55] Kami
    What else could I wish for?
[14:57] Todo
    But, I mean...
[14:58] Ichi
    Huh?
[14:59] Ichi
    Jyushimatsu!
[15:00] Jyu
    Yeah?
[15:01] Ichi
    Why are you sleeping now?
    Nothing's been resolved yet.
[15:07] Jyu
    But it's late. Let's go to sleep.
[15:14] Oso
    Yes, this is where the Hell
    brought upon us by God began.
[15:25] Oso
    Man, I lost! I never expected Sheehkai Teio to win!
[15:30] Kami
    Osomatsu-niisan, here.
[15:31] Oso
    Huh?
[15:33] Oso
    Wh-What?! This is a winning ticket!
[15:36] God
    I bought it for you.
[15:40] Oso
    Th-Thanks...
[15:47] Kara
    Oh, brother!
SIGN    Hashimoto Nyaa
[15:52] Choro
    I don't have the money...
[15:53] Kami
    Choromatsu-niisan, here.
SIGN    Nyaa Live
    Special VIP Seat
[15:57] Choro
    Huh?
[15:58] Choro
    Y-You're kidding, right? What?!
[16:10] Jyu
    Here it comes!
[16:19] Jyu
    What?!
[16:21] Kami
    I've never been a coordinator...
[16:24] Kami
    But I hope there's a girl here
    that you like, Nii-san.
[16:28] Todo
    Wha? What?
[16:30] Kami
    This is good.
[16:33] Kami
    Your oden is the best, Chibita-kun.
[16:35] Chibi
    Oh, stop it, you idjit.
    Flattery will get you nowhere.
[16:39] Kami
    Wow, thanks!
[16:43] Chibi
    What's wrong with you guys?
    You're awfully quiet, you idjits.
[16:48] Chibi
    Hey.
[16:50] Oso
    Chibita, our check...
[16:52] Chibi
    I already got it.
[16:53] Oso
    You got it?
[16:54] Chibi
    See? From Godmatsu.
[17:03] Chibi
    You guys gonna be okay? I mean, with a
    great guy like that as your new brother...
SIGN    A Few Days Later
[17:12] Mom
    Godmacchan!
[17:13] Dad
    Godmacchan!
[17:14] Mom
    Hey, Godmacchan!
[17:16] Dad
    Hey, Godmacchan!
[17:18] God
    Oh, yeah. Here.
[17:20] Mom
    What is it?
[17:21] Kami
    Money. I'll be putting 30,000 yen
    toward the household every month.
[17:26] Mom
    Y-You don't have to...
[17:28] Dad
    Where did you get this money?
[17:31] Kami
    Huh? I'm already working.
[17:34] Dad
    Y-You got a job?
[17:37] Kami
    Yeah.
[17:39] Both
    Godmacchan!
[17:40] Kami
    Well, it's been about five days since I was born.
[17:44] Kami
    It's only natural that I put some
    money toward the household.
[17:47] Mom
    I'm so happy! Even though I don't
    remember giving birth to you at all!
[17:50] Dad
    Wait, dear. I think what Godmacchan
    is saying is actually normal.
[17:55] Mom
    Huh?
[17:56] Dad
    I think we might have been too accepting
    of our sons being unemployed virgins.
[18:02] Mom
    You're right. I've seen the light.
[18:05] Mom
    Hold it, you NEETs.
[18:07] Mom
    No, you maggots.
[18:10] Mom
    When are you going to start working?
[18:12] Six
    Well, uh...
[18:14] Kami
    Don't, Mom.
[18:15] All
    Huh?
[18:16] Kami
    I think everyone has their own pace.
[18:20] Kami
    I'm me, and my brothers are my brothers.
[18:24] Kami
    Right?
[18:26] Mom
    Godmacchan!
[18:28] Dad
    God!
[18:29] Mom
    You are God!
[18:34] Choro
    Wait, what?
[18:36] Choro
    Osomatsu-niisan, explain that again.
[18:39] Oso
    I'm saying...
[18:41] Oso
    Godmatsu will come into
    the room like this, right?
[18:44] Oso
    Then we...
[18:46] Oso
    Like this!
[18:48] Choro
    I see. Instant death.
[18:50] Todo
    Then how about this?
[18:52] Todo
    When he comes in...
[18:54] Choro
    Ooh, mincemeat.
[18:56] Kara
    I'll plug him full of holes.
[18:58] Ichi
    I'll take him with me.
[18:59] Jyu
    Yeah, yeah!
[19:01] Choro
    You're all awesome! I love you all, brothers!
[19:07] Oso
    Man, who knew it would end this way?
[19:10] Todo
    It can't be helped. He opened Mom and Dad's eyes.
[19:14] Choro
    Not to mention, he covered for us.
[19:19] Kara
    He's done nothing wrong. He has no faults.
[19:23] Ichi
    And that's exactly why, ironically,
    we have no other option but to kill him.
[19:28] Jyu
    Life is complicated.
[19:29] Todo
    It sure is, Jyushimatsu-niisan!
[19:48] Six
    Huh?
[19:50] Oso
    Wh-What is that?
[19:52] Todo
    H-He's gotten taller...
    A-And his face is different.
[19:55] Ichi
    And he's got a short back and sides!
[19:57] Kara
    H-He's powered up... What happened?!
[20:01] Choro
    That's it! Crap!
[20:03] Oso
    What's wrong?
[20:03] Choro
    Because we were going to kill him...
[20:05] Choro
    Because of that, more of
    our goodness fell from us.
[20:09] Choro
    And he absorbed it all!
[20:14] Ichi
    You mean...
[20:14] Ichi
    The more evil we plot, the bigger he'll get,
    until he becomes the ultimate God?!
[20:20] Kara
    Not good... We've got a real problem here.
[20:22] Kara
    We won't be able to defeat him easily.
[20:24] Todo
    Wh-What should we do?
[20:27] Toto
    Godmatsu-kun!
[20:30] Kami
    Yes?
[20:31] Toto
    Are you done yet? Let's hurry and go on our date.
[20:34] Kami
    Sure, I'll be right there.
[20:40] Oso
    Even Totoko-chan?!
[20:43] Kami
    It's a bit early for that, Totoko-chan.
[20:48] Toto
    You smell so nice, Godmatsu-kun.
[20:52] Kami
    Oh? Is this your first time?
[20:56] Toto
    Huh?
[20:57] Toto
    Yeah...
[21:02] Oso
    C-Crap...
[21:05] Oso
    How the hell are we supposed
    to beat a guy like that?!
SIGN    Inokashira Heights
[21:15] God
    W-Wait a sec...
[21:18] Three
    What?!
[21:22] Bad
    Hah! Too easy. The good parts of a person?
[21:26] Bad
    Now, now. You shouldn't underestimate
    the shitty parts of us, either.
[21:33] Bad
    My brothers! You need to have more
    confidence in your shittiness!
[21:38] Bad
    And you may call upon me,
    Evilmatsu, again at any time!
[21:50] Toto
    I... I never would have thought...
[21:53] Toto
    This, and then that happened, and now this...
[21:56] Mom
    I'm surprised.
[21:57] Dad
    We just saw something incredible.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next Time on Osomatsu-san
[23:32] Todo
    This is Todomatsu.
[23:34] Todo
    Next week's Osomatsu-san is...
[23:36] Todo
    Huh? A... A bend in the space-time continuum!
[23:40] Todo
    Whoa! Save me, Nii-sans!
[23:43] Todo
    A-A-Aroma—!
SIGN    "The Star of Hope, Todomatsu" "Final Sheeeh"