E5 - The Way Home

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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Well, Yeah..."
[02:24] Jyu
    Hey...
[02:26] Jyu
    Don't you think Totty's
    been acting weird lately?
[02:29] Ichi
    Huh? Oh, yeah... I wonder
    if something happened.
[02:33] Jyu
    Let's ask him.
[02:34] Ichi
    Yeah.
[02:36] Jyu
    Go ahead.
[02:36] Ichi
    Huh? Me?!
[02:38] Jyu
    Go ahead.
[02:39] Ichi
    You cheater...
[02:43] Ichi
    Todomatsu.
[02:45] Ichi
    What's up? Did something happen?
[02:52] Ichi
    Huh?
[02:56] Ichi
    Todomatsu, your voice.
[03:00] Ichi
    No, really, it's not coming out.
[03:05] Ichi
    There's no sound coming out.
    Why? Is everything okay?
[03:15] Ichi
    What?!
[03:16] Jyu
    There's someone you like?!
[03:18] Todo
    Shh!
[03:19] Jyu
    Seriously?
[03:21] ---
    Yeah.
SIGN    Akatsuka Drugs
SIGN    Matsumi
[03:30] Ichi
    Wh-Which one?
[03:34] Ichi
    Nothing's coming out.
[03:37] Todo
    Sorry. It's her.
[03:38] Todo
    See? Right over there.
SIGN    Satozaki
[03:44] Ichi
    She's pretty.
[03:45] Jyu
    She's pretty.
[03:47] Ichi
    Why did you end up liking her?
    How'd it happen?
SIGN    5x the Points
SIGN    Tea
[03:50] Todo
    Well, she rang me up recently.
[03:57] Todo
    Usually, when they give you change,
[03:58] Todo
    they just randomly toss it
    into your hand with one hand.
[04:02] Both
    Yeah.
[04:04] Todo
    And yet, that lovely lady gently
    cupped my hand with hers
[04:08] Todo
    and then used both hands to squeeze mine.
[04:10] Ichi
    Huh? Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh...
[04:13] Ichi
    Sh-She used both hands... and squeezed?
[04:15] Todo
    Yup. She used both hands... and squeezed.
[04:20] Ichi
    She used both hands... and squeezed.
[04:22] Todo
    She used both hands...
[04:24] Ichi
    ...and squeezed.
[04:27] Todo
    And that was the moment I realized...
[04:29] Todo
    Oh, my God! I love her!
[04:32] Ichi
    I see! I see, I see, I see!
[04:36] Jyu
    And there it is.
[04:37] Jyu
    Falling in love with a person just from
    hearing someone else's experience...
[04:41] Jyu
    I call it the "Virgins Tend to Fall in Love
    With People Just Because They Were
[04:45] Jyu
    Nice to Them Once" phenomenon.
[04:46] Todo
    And, and, get this!
    I think she likes me, too!
[04:52] Ichi
    Huh? What makes you think that?
[04:54] Todo
    That day, I was hung over,
    and I just felt like shit at the store.
[04:58] Todo
    Then the nice lady came over, asked if
    I was okay, and gently rubbed my back.
[05:03] Ichi
    Wow, she touched you.
[05:05] Todo
    And then she asked me what I usually ate,
[05:08] Todo
    what my daily rhythm was like, and just
    kept asking stuff about my private life!
[05:12] Ichi
    Your private life?!
[05:14] Todo
    That totally proves she's
    interested in me too, right?
[05:16] Ichi
    Yeah.
[05:17] Jyu
    No, that's just customer service...
[05:19] Todo
    And every time we meet, she greets me!
[05:22] Ichi
    What?!
[05:22] Jyushi
    Customer service.
[05:23] Todo
    She even gave me a present!
[05:25] Ichi
    A present?!
[05:26] Jyushi
    Samples, my guy.
[05:27] Todo
    She even gave me a card with
    a message on it as I was leaving!
[05:29] Ichi
    A card?!
[05:31] Jyushi
    It's called a point card.
[05:32] Todo
    Isn't that amazing?!
    I totally have a chance, don't I?
[05:35] Ichi
    Yeah, you totally do.
[05:37] Todo
    So I've just been trying
    to figure out what to do.
[05:39] Todo
    Should I just ask her out on a date already?
[05:43] Ichi
    Well...
[05:44] Ichi
    Ask her out?
[05:45] Todo
    This is so hard...
SIGN    Akatsuka Bath
[05:49] Choro
    What?! There's someone you like?!
[05:52] Kara
    Seriously? Who is it?
[05:54] Todo
    Jeez, you have a big mouth.
    No teasing me, okay?
[05:58] Todo
    I'm serious about this.
[05:59] Choro
    So who is it? Who? Who?
[06:03] Todo
    A lady who works at the drug
    store in the shopping district.
[06:06] Choro
    Drug store?
[06:08] Todo
    You know, Akatsuka Drugs. She works there.
[06:13] Oso
    Huh... Is she sexy?
[06:15] Todo
    Stop.
[06:16] Oso
    Did she say anything about me?
[06:18] Todo
    Why would she? She doesn't know you.
[06:21] Choro
    Introduce your big brother next time.
[06:23] Todo
    That's definitely not happening!
[06:25] Todo
    Why do you guys keep saying stuff like that?!
[06:30] Choro
    What?! You like her too, Karamatsu?!
[06:34] Kara
    Shh!
[06:39] Choro
    You mean the one Todomatsu
    was talking about, right?
[06:41] Choro
    The one who works at the drug store?
[06:47] Kara
    I never thought we'd fall
    for the same person.
[06:50] Choro
    Why'd you fall in love with her?
[06:53] Kara
    Well, she rang me up the other day.
[06:58] Choro
    Yeah?
SIGN    You know the rest
[07:01] Choro
    I see... I see.
[07:04] Choro
    I see, I see.
[07:06] Choro
    Of course you would fall for her.
    She used both hands and squeezed.
[07:10] Kara
    Yes. She used both hands and squeezed.
[07:13] Choro
    She used both hands and...
[07:14] Both
    ...squeezed.
[07:17] Kara
    And, and... I think she
    has feelings for me, too!
[07:22] Choro
    Really? Why's that?
[07:24] Kara
    When I was feeling really
    shitty from a hangover...
SIGN    You know the rest
[07:29] Kara
    Isn't that insane?
    I totally have a chance, don't I?!
[07:32] Choro
    Yeah, totally!
[07:35] Kara
    But when I think about Todomatsu...
[07:40] Choro
    That's hard.
[07:42] Kara
    Yeah.
[07:43] Kara
    I never imagined this would happen.
SIGN    Akatsuka Drugs
SIGN    Matsumi
SIGN    5x the Points
[08:51] Kara
    H-Hey, Totty. What's up?
[08:57] Kara
    How are things going with her?
[08:59] Kara
    Don't mess this up. I've got your back.
[09:05] Todo
    You like her too, don't you,
    Karamatsu-niisan?
[09:08] Kara
    Huh?! N-No! Wh-What the
    heck are you talking about?
[09:11] Kara
    Of course I don't...
[09:12] Todo
    How much do you suck at acting?
[09:14] Todo
    Of course I can tell.
     Why did you hide it from me?
[09:19] Todo
    Do you feel bad that we
    fell for the same person?
[09:23] Todo
    Did you hold back?
[09:24] Todo
    Did you really think that'd make me happy?
[09:28] Kara
    No...
[09:33] Todo
    Listen, Karamatsu-niisan.
    Let me just say one thing.
[09:38] Todo
    Thanks. You're a lifesaver.
[09:40] Todo
    Totty's super happy right now.
[09:43] Kara
    Huh?
[09:43] Todo
    Seriously, sacrificing your own happiness
    for the sake of your cute littlest brother's?
[09:47] Todo
    That's great, man. Huge props.
[09:49] Todo
    Keep up the good work.
[09:51] Kara
    Huh?
[09:51] Todo
    Make sure you totally forget
    about her. It's a promise, yeah?
[09:56] Todo
    Thanks, dude. See ya.
[09:57] Kara
    Wha?! T-T-Totty, wait!
[10:03] Todo
    What's up?
[10:04] Kara
    No! That's not how I pictured this at all!
[10:07] Todo
    Huh?
[10:07] Kara
    I mean, the way this
    conversation usually goes...
[10:11] Kara
    I mean, usually...
[10:12] Kara
    "I see... You like the same person
    I do, but you just couldn't tell me
[10:17] Kara
    because you wanted to spare my feelings.
[10:20] Kara
    Sorry about that. But from now on,
    don't worry. Just be true to yourself."
[10:25] Kara
    That's how it usually goes!
[10:26] Kara
    I was expecting that kindness from you!
[10:29] Todo
    Yeah, I couldn't understand any of that.
[10:32] Todo
    I mean, the fewer nuisances
    to worry about, the better.
[10:35] Kara
    Wha... That's really how you're doing this?
[10:39] Kara
    All right, fine.
[10:40] Kara
    I really like her, too!
[10:44] Kara
    So I'm not gonna give her up.
[10:46] Todo
    Huh?! But you just said...
[10:48] Kara
    That doesn't count anymore!
[10:49] Todo
    You can't fall in love with her!
[10:51] Kara
    Like I care!
[10:53] Todo
    Nah, nah, nah, nah.
[10:54] Kara
    Nah, nah, nah, nah.
[10:55] Todo
    Nope, nope, nope.
[10:56] Kara
    Like I friggin' care!
[11:00] Ichi
    Where are those two?
[11:10] Todo
    She was nice to me even
    though I'm a piece of shit.
[11:15] Todo
    It made me really happy.
[11:17] Kara
    You're not the only one.
[11:19] Todo
    She'd look me in the eyes
    and smile and touch me...
[11:23] Todo
    It made me really happy!
[11:24] Kara
    You're not the only one.
[11:26] Todo
    I can't let you have her.
    I'm head over heels for her!
[11:30] Kara
    You're not the only one.
[11:33] Todo
    Since it's come to this, we're gonna have
    to fight fair and square, Karamatsu.
[11:37] Kara
    That's right, Todomatsu.
SIGN    Akatsuka Drugs
SIGN    Matsumi
[12:23] Kara
    Well, yeah...
[12:25] Todo
    Well, yeah...
[12:28] Kara
    Well, yeah...
[12:30] Todo
    Well, yeah...
SIGN    Adult
[12:32] Kara
    Well, yeah...
SIGN    Adult
[12:34] Todo
    Well, yeah...
[12:36] Kara
    Well, yeah.
[12:37] Todo
    Well, yeah...
[12:40] Kara
    Well... yeah...
[12:42] Todo
    Well, yeah...
[12:44] Kara
    Well, yeah...
[12:45] Todo
    Well, yeah.
[12:47] Kara
    Well, yeah?!
[12:49] Todo
    Well, yeah!
[12:50] Kara
    Well, yeah!
[12:51] Todo
    Well, yeah!
SIGN    End
[13:08] All
    Well, yeah...
[13:17] Choro
    Hey, so... is this the right way?
[13:20] Choro
    Where exactly are we headed right now?
SIGN    "The Way Home"
[13:22] Oso
    The station, right?
[13:23] Choro
    Yeah, but... is the station this way?
[13:25] Oso
    I dunno.
[13:26] Choro
    Huh?
[13:27] Kara
    Me, neither.
[13:28] All
    Yeah, no idea.
[13:30] Choro
    What? No one checked which way
    to go, and we're just walking?
[13:35] Oso
    We're fine. The station is this way.
    We'll get there if we keep walking.
[13:39] Choro
    Are you sure?
[13:41] Oso
    Call it your oldest brother's intuition.
[13:42] Kara
    That's the last thing we should believe.
[13:45] Choro
    I'm even more worried now.
[13:51] Ichi
    That food was really good.
[13:53] Todo
    It sure was.
[13:55] Todo
    Foie gras, was it? What exactly is that?
[13:57] Kara
    It was pork, right?
[13:59] Ichi
    What? Pork?
[14:01] Kara
    Wait, am I wrong?
[14:03] Ichi
    Wrong.
[14:04] Jyushi
    Karamatsu-niisan, that was beef.
[14:06] All
    What?
[14:08] Jyushi
    Huh? Am I wrong?
[14:09] Oso
    You are. You two have such
    unsophisticated palates.
[14:14] Oso
    That's poultry, isn't it, Ichimatsu?
[14:16] Ichi
    Yup, sure is. But I can't
    remember what kind of bird.
[14:20] Oso
    Yeah... I can't remember, either.
[14:22] Ichi
    Just start naming off some birds.
[14:26] Todo
    Parrot.
[14:27] Kara
    Eagle.
[14:28] Oso
    Hawk.
[14:29] Choro
    Owl.
[14:29] Jyushi
    The Blue Jays!
[14:32] Todo
    Woodpecker.
[14:34] Kara
    Swallow.
[14:35] Oso
    Crested ibis.
[14:35] Choro
    Flamingo.
[14:36] Jyushi
    Cardinals!
[14:39] Todo
    Crane.
[14:40] Kara
    Seagull.
[14:41] Oso
    Swan.
[14:41] Jyushi
    Jyushimatsu!
[14:46] Ichi
    Now I remember.
[14:47] Jyushi
    Jyushimatsu?
[14:48] Ichi
    It's ostrich.
[14:49] All
    Ostrich?
[14:50] Kara
    What? But it's pork, isn't it?
[14:52] Oso
    It's not pork. Why don't
    you run on ahead already?
[14:56] Todo
    Can I look it up?
[14:57] Choro
    Go for it.
[14:59] Todo
    Let's see...
[15:02] Todo
    Oh, here we go. It's goose.
[15:04] Oso
    It's goose?
[15:05] All
    Huh...
[15:06] Todo
    It's the goose's liver. They feed
    it lots to make it nice and fat.
[15:11] Choro
    And that's what foie gras is?
[15:12] Todo
    Yup, foie gras.
[15:13] Oso
    I've never had anything like that before.
[15:15] Jyushi
    Me, too. Everything looked super expensive.
[15:19] Kara
    But the portions sucked.
[15:21] Choro
    Yeah... I ended up eating so much bread.
[15:24] Oso
    We should've gotten yakiniku.
[15:26] Ichi
    Ah, so it was goose.
    I always get those two mixed up.
[15:38] Jyushi
    So they're married. Isn't that amazing?
[15:47] Jyushi
    Hey, guys...
[15:48] Oso
    It sure was something when they walked in.
[15:51] Oso
    The bride and groom's entry, I mean.
[15:53] Oso
    He was so damn nervous.
[15:56] Kara
    His eyes were darting around everywhere.
[15:58] Todo
    And he was frozen from nerves.
[16:00] Choro
    Yeah. He was moving like I used to.
[16:05] Oso
    And now you've made that your shtick.
[16:07] Choro
    Yes.
[16:08] Todo
    How can they even do that?
[16:11] Ichi
    It's so embarrassing, I'd die.
[16:12] Todo
    Right?
[16:20] Jyushi
    That's the first time we were
    all invited to one, right?
[16:23] Choro
    Yeah, it was.
[16:25] Jyushi
    I thought this kind of stuff
    wouldn't happen until later on,
[16:29] Jyushi
    but one of our classmates finally did it.
[16:32] Jyushi
    But I guess we're...
[16:33] Oso
    Wasn't his wife sexy?
[16:36] Oso
    You know. Her shoulders were
    completely exposed. Did you see?
[16:39] Todo
    I couldn't stop looking. She was super sexy.
[16:42] Ichi
    Her clavicle?
[16:43] Oso
    Her clavicle.
[16:44] Jyushi
    Her nape?
[16:44] Kara
    Her nape!
[16:45] Todo
    Her cleavage?
[16:46] All
    Yeh.
[16:48] Choro
    Where the hell were you guys
    looking during the wedding?
[16:51] Kara
    Man, those two are banging every night.
[16:53] Choro
    Hey!
[16:54] Ichi
    Of course they are. I mean,
    they probably already were.
[16:56] Oso
    I know, right?
[16:58] Oso
    The thing I always think
    about at weddings is like,
[17:00] Oso
    "Oh, yeah. They're totally banging. Wow."
[17:04] Oso
    And for that feat, they deserve a...
[17:05] All
    ...congratulations!
[17:07] Choro
    What the hell are you guys celebrating?
[17:10] Choro
    For crying out loud...
[17:49] Jyushi
    Hey, how was it for you guys?
[17:52] Ichi
    How was what?
[17:53] Jyushi
    The wedding.
[17:55] Ichi
    Huh?
[17:57] Jyushi
    I was just wondering if
    you guys felt anything.
[18:00] Jyushi
    You know. Any thoughts?
[18:03] Kara
    I just thought it was amazing.
[18:06] Kara
    I mean, marriage? I can't even imagine it.
[18:10] Todo
    Yeah...
[18:12] Jyushi
    I wonder if we're gonna
    get married someday, too.
[18:15] All
    Huh?
[18:18] Choro
    Well, I mean... probably?
[18:20] Choro
    I'm not exactly sure, but...
[18:21] Jyushi
    What? You're gonna get married,
    Choromatsu-niisan?
[18:24] Choro
    Huh? Well, yeah... someday.
[18:28] Jyushi
    Huh...
[18:30] Choro
    Wait, aren't you guys?
[18:35] Jyushi
    I dunno.
[18:37] Todo
    But it feels pretty lonely if we don't, yeah?
[18:40] Todo
    Living your whole life alone.
[18:42] Ichi
    Huh... I guess even you
    think about that stuff.
[18:45] Todo
    Well, yeah. I am human, after all.
[18:48] Jyu
    I want a kid.
[18:50] Choro
    Seriously?
[18:51] Jyu
    Yeah.
[18:52] Ichi
    Even though you're a kid yourself?
[18:54] Jyu
    You're the last person I want to
    hear that from, Ichimatsu-kun.
[18:57] Kara
    Well, I mean... I'd want a Junior, myself.
[19:00] Oso
    Me, too. Kids are great.
[19:03] Choro
    Yeah.
[19:05] Todo
    They sure are.
[19:06] Ichi
    Yeah.
[19:09] Ichi
    Marriage, huh?
[19:12] Ichi
    I wonder why people do it.
[19:14] Ichi
    Does something good happen when you do?
[19:22] Oso
    Before we even consider marriage,
    I don't think I could live with someone.
[19:27] Oso
    I mean, even if I like them... living with them?
[19:30] Ichi
    And that goes on forever.
[19:33] Oso
    That's just it. It's forever.
[19:36] Oso
    Like, for real?
[19:37] Kara
    And he actually decided to do that.
[19:41] Kara
    Man, that is amazing.
[19:42] Oso
    Yeah... It's unbelievable.
[19:44] Choro
    Something must've made him go for it.
[19:47] Choro
    To spend the rest of his life with her.
    To start a family with her.
[19:51] Oso
    When do you make that decision?
[19:53] Oso
    And why?
[19:54] Choro
    It just means they both
    love each other that much.
[19:58] Oso
    That much?
[19:59] Choro
    Well, yeah. They got married.
[20:02] Oso
    Huh...
[20:03] Jyushi
    Didn't they want to wait a little longer?
[20:06] Todo
    Huh?
[20:07] Jyushi
    Well, I mean... there are so
    many women in the world.
[20:11] Jyushi
    Wouldn't you want to meet as many
    as possible and find the best one?
[20:15] Kara
    I hear you.
[20:16] Kara
    You wanna go for the best one after
    going through all the possibilities.
[20:22] Todo
    Well, they got married because
    she was the best one for him.
[20:25] Jyushi
    I guess he likes her that much.
[20:27] Todo
    Yeah, they got married.
[20:30] Jyushi
    I see.
[20:32] Oso
    That's pretty amazing.
[20:33] Kara
    Yeah.
[20:37] Choro
    I wonder how it was for Mom and Dad.
[20:40] Choro
    They never really talk
    about stuff like that.
[20:43] Choro
    They got married, she got pregnant,
[20:46] Choro
    and when she finally gave birth,
    she ended up with six of us.
[20:48] Choro
    That's six at once.
[20:50] Choro
    Isn't that the worst?
[20:51] Ichi
    It sure is.
[20:53] Todo
    Inconceivable.
[20:54] Jyushi
    That's way too many at once.
[20:55] Kara
    Talk about an impossibly hard game.
[20:56] Oso
    Six? Gag me.
[20:59] Jyushi
    I wonder if it was rough.
[21:01] Ichi
    Well, it had to be.
[21:02] Ichi
    Not that I'd have any idea.
[21:04] Todo
    I wonder if they struggled with money, too.
[21:06] Kara
    Probably. Not that I'd know.
[21:09] Oso
    Well, that hasn't changed.
[21:11] Choro
    Yeah. That's still going on.
[21:14] Choro
    Wait, even now?!
[21:16] Choro
    This shouldn't be going
    on anymore, gentlemen.
[21:19] Choro
    How much more trouble are we
    going to cause our parents?
[21:21] Choro
    Get a grip, will ya?
[21:23] Oso
    That goes for you, too.
[21:25] Choro
    Yes!
[21:30] Sign
    Stop
[21:36] Choro
    Man, I'm beat.
[21:40] Ichi
    Same...
[21:43] Jyushi
    I am, too.
[21:46] Todo
    What's going to happen to us?
[21:50] Kara
    Dunno.
[21:51] Oso
    No idea at all.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:29] Kara
    It's me, Karamatsu.
[23:30] Kara
    The next Mr. Osomatsu is a 3-parter.
[23:33] Kara
    "Touter," "Optimization," and "Massage."
[23:36] Kara
    Did you see the common theme?
[23:39] Kara
    One more time...
[23:40] Kara
    "Touter"... "Optimization"...
[23:43] Kara
    and "Massage."
[23:45] Kara
    To everyone who just imagined
    something pervy...
SIGN    "Touter" "Optimization" "Massage"
[23:48] Kara
    The hell's wrong with you, man?
[23:51] Kara
    There is no theme! Not at all!