E16 - Matsuno Matsunan / The Ichimatsu Incident

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Cat Café
SIGN    Now
    Hiring
[00:03] Guy
    Hey... Are you sure you want to work here?
[00:09] Ichi
    Yes.
[00:10] Guy
    Are you up for this?
[00:11] Ichi
    Yes.
[00:13] Guy
    You don't really look like it.
[00:16] Guy
    Should we start with training, then?
[00:18] Ichi
    Please.
[00:26] Guy
    That's what you wanted to do?!
SIGN    "Matsuno Matsunan"
[02:00] Nar
    So this and that happened,
    and a war broke out
[02:04] Nar
    which destroyed the world,
    and we were also destroyed.
[02:08] Nar
    The earth split, the seas dried up...
[02:11] Nar
    Earth lost all of its moisture,
[02:14] Nar
    and the merciless UV rays
    left everything parched.
[02:23] Guy
    M-My cracked lip...
[02:27] Lady
    My rough heels...
[02:29] Nar
    The average age of everyone's
    skin surpassed 200.
[02:39] Goon
    Iyami-sama, we've received intel that
    there's been a new delivery up ahead.
[02:44] Iyami
    We'll head there immediately.
[02:48] Chibi
    We'll be able to obtain that again!
[03:02] Old
    P-Please take this and...
[03:04] Goon
    We don't want that!
[03:06] Old
    W-We have water right here...
[03:08] Goon
    That's not it!
[03:09] Mom
    Please wait! Spare my child!
[03:12] Goon
    A little girl, eh?
[03:14] Goon
    But no one has any interest
    in those these days.
[03:17] Iya
    You people can't fool us!
[03:20] Iya
    Hurry up and bring it out!
[03:22] Chi
    Bring it out, you idjits!
[03:24] Nar
    In this age where humanity
    has lost all moisture,
[03:28] Nar
    there was one thing everyone would kill for.
[03:30] Nar
    And that was...
[03:31] Goon
    Iyami-sama!
[03:34] Goon
    We found it!
SIGN    Shi Shi
[03:37] Vill
    P-Please wait!
[03:38] Vill
    That's our last...
[03:40] Nar
    Yes, it was...
[03:43] Nar
    Lubricant!
[03:48] Iya
    I can feel the moisture.
[03:50] Boy
    Damn it! That's the last of our lubricant!
[03:53] Boy
    Give it back!
[03:54] Chi
    The hell?!
[03:55] Chi
    We're the only ones allowed to feel all slippery!
[03:58] Chi
    All of you can dry up completely for all we care!
[04:02] Iyami
    Apply the lubricant!
[04:04] Chibi
    Lubricant! Lubricant!
[04:07] Iya
    Lubricant! Lubricant! Lubricant! Lubricant!
[04:14] Six
    Hold it!
[04:21] Oso
    In this world without moisture...
[04:23] Kra
    The dried-up hearts of the people...
[04:25] Choro
    ...long for just one thing:
[04:28] Ichi
    Tears of joy.
[04:30] Jyu
    Who said that?
[04:32] Todo
    The Matsu-of-the-Century messiahs.
[04:35] Oso
    We'll make the world wet
    with our lubricant of love!
[04:38] Oso
    We're...
[04:39] Six
    ...F6!
[04:48] Iya
    Sheeeh!
[04:50] Iya
    What are these creatures that
    are overflowing with moisture?
[04:53] Iya
    It's like the UV doesn't affect them at all!
[04:55] Chibi
    They're just like peeled boiled eggs,
    you idjits, damn it!
[04:58] Iya
    Get 'em, boys!
[05:11] Goon
    So weak!
[05:12] Goon
    What the hell? Was that entrance
    just for show? Are you stupid?
[05:17] Todo
    Ouch...
[05:19] Goon
    Huh?
[05:20] Todo
    But...
[05:22] Todo
    I know the fist you punched
    me with hurts even more.
[05:30] Goon
    Die!
[05:35] Jyu
    Are you that impatient, my little kitten?
[05:43] Goon
    My chest felt all tight,
    and then I got all wet.
[05:47] Chibi
    Y-You idjit! What are you admiring 'em for?
[05:50] Chibi
    Take care of 'em already!
[05:52] Goons
    Yes, sir!
[05:54] Chibi
    That's not what I meant, you idjits!
[05:56] Iya
    F-Fall back!
[06:04] Kara
    I see... How tragic.
    Everyone wants to feel slippery.
[06:09] Ichi
    Keeping the gooey feeling to
    themselves is unforgivable.
[06:12] Choro
    Can't we get that soaking-wet
    feeling back somehow?
[06:16] Oso
    All right. Let's make everyone dripping wet.
[06:24] Boy
    Wait!
[06:26] Boy
    I'll go, too!
[06:29] Oso
    I know. You're worried about your mom, right?
[06:37] Oso
    Don't worry. We'll protect your
    mom's life, no matter what.
[06:43] Boy
    Really?
[06:44] Oso
    Yup. So just wait here.
[06:51] Boy
    Mom!
[06:54] Boy
    Sh-She's dead!
[07:06] Goon
    Dekapan-sama!
[07:08] Goon
    Dekapan-sama!
[07:09] Goon
    We've obtained new lubricant!
[07:13] Deka
    Add it to the spring.
[07:15] Deka
    There's nothing better than
    when it's freely flowing.
[07:21] Iya
    What shall we do with the troublemakers?
[07:24] Deka
    Isn't that obvious? I won't let them get
    away with not giving us the lubricant.
[07:28] Goon
    Dekapan-sama!
[07:29] Goon
    There are suspicious guys outside!
[07:35] Deka
    That must be them.
[07:37] Iya
    They use a strange... No, a beautiful technique.
[07:42] Deka
    No need to worry.
[07:44] Deka
    We're the evil, stingy,
    treacherous, and ugly Oily Boys.
[07:49] Deka
    Let's show them the power of being
    evil, stingy, treacherous, and ugly!
[08:00] Kara
    Hey.
[08:01] Kara
    Is this really what you guys want to do?
[08:06] Kara
    When there are such infinite possibilities...
[08:18] Ichi
    Fine. Do what you want with me.
[08:23] Ichi
    You can do whatever you want to me.
[08:24] Goon
    I'm sorry! I don't have the courage to do that!
[08:31] Choro
    Come on, stab me.
[08:33] Choro
    Stab me. Hurt my face.
[08:37] Goon
    I... I can't...
[08:41] Choro
    Good boy.
[08:47] Deka
    Wh-What in the world is going on?
[08:50] Oso
    It's simple.
[08:53] Oso
    You are already in love. Right?
[09:01] Iya
    Sheeeh! I see right through you all!
[09:05] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[09:08] Iya
    Take that, and that, and that...
[09:10] Oso
    Hey, that's not me...
[09:19] Iya
    Sheeeh! We finally did it!
[09:21] Iya
    We have F6 cornered!
[09:23] Chibi
    Serves you right, you idjits!
    We low-lifes win in the end, damn it!
[09:28] Iya
    Let's hurry up and finish them.
[09:30] Chibi
    Got it!
[09:52] Deka
    Wait.
[09:54] Deka
    Before you kill them, just once,
[09:59] Deka
    I want to pour this on them.
[10:02] Chibi
    Actually... I was just thinking the same thing.
[10:07] Iyam
    To be honest... Me, too.
[10:10] Deka
    Just a little bit. Just a tiny little bit.
[10:39] Deka
    I... I was wrong.
[10:42] Chibi
    Lubricant is meant...
[10:43] Iya
    ...to be used like this!
[10:57] Jyu
    Yahoo!
[11:00] Jyu
    Yahoo!
[11:00] Deka
    Keep it flowing.
[11:02] Iya
    Hurry it up!
[11:03] Jyu
    Yahoo!
[11:06] Choro
    Hey, Jyushimatsu! I can't read my book!
[11:09] Todo
    Hey.
[11:12] Choro
    Now you've done it, Todomatsu!
[11:19] Ichi
    Good grief.
[11:20] Oso
    Ichimatsu, could you give me a massage?
[11:22] Ichi
    Sure.
[11:29] Girl
    H-Hey, is he...
[11:33] Kara
    Not to worry. I'm wearing some.
[11:38] Iya
    F6-sama! Some very optimistic slaves
    have brought you new lubricant!
[11:44] Todo
    What? Again?
[11:46] Todo
    You guys are silly.
[11:47] Todo
    We worked hard to get it back for you,
    and this makes that pointless.
[11:51] Todo
    Why don't you guys use it?
[11:53] Girls
    Filth like us have no need for it!
[11:56] Todo
    What? Are you guys really happy with that?
[11:59] All
    Very happy!
[12:00] Todo
    Is it tasty?
[12:01] All
    Super tasty!
[12:03] Oso
    Just accept your fate already.
[12:06] Odo
    Huh?
[12:06] Kra
    Even if people completely dry up...
[12:09] Choro
    Even if people die...
[12:11] Ichi
    We'll just keep responding
    to everyone's expectations.
[12:14] Jyu
    We're everyone's lubricant... No,
[12:17] Jyu
    the clothed and walking lubricant
    of love in everyone's hearts.
[12:19] Todo
    I see! So that's us...
[12:21] Oso
    Yes, that's F6.
[12:43] Iya
    Sheeeh! Our skin is as flaky as ever, but...
[12:46] Deka
    Just watching them...
[12:48] Chibi
    ...is making our hearts all slippery and
    soaking wet. You idjits, damn it!
[12:53] Nar
    And so the world was save... Save...
[12:58] Nar
    Saved? Was it actually saved?
[13:02] Choro
    Huh? It was, wasn't it?
[13:05] Nar
    Huh?! Er, yes.
[13:06] Nar
    It was saved. Thank you very much!
SIGN    "The Ichimatsu Incident"
[14:02] Oso
    Man, am I bored.
[14:03] Ichi
    Crap! There was a crack
    in my state of high alert!
[14:06] Ichi
    Why are you back so early?!
    You were at pachinko...
[14:09] Oso
    A thousand yen goes so quickly.
[14:11] Ichi
    Don't go with so little money!
[14:14] Ichi
    I'm finished. I won't even be able to
    go on living after being seen like this.
[14:18] Oso
    What's the matter, Karamatsu?
[14:21] Ichi
    K-Karamatsu? I see...
    It's because I'm dressed like this.
[14:25] Oso
    Hey.
[14:29] Ichi
    What's wrong, Osomatsu?
    Did you need something,
[14:34] Ichi
    my brother?
[14:44] Oso
    No, not really.
[14:48] Ichi
    All right! I fooled him!
[14:50] Ichi
    He thinks I'm Karamatsu!
[14:51] Ichi
    If anyone thought that normally,
    it'd be hell, but for now, I'm saved!
[14:55] Oso
    But what's wrong with your voice?
    It's different from usual.
[14:58] Ichi
    Huh? Uh...
[14:59] Oso
    Do you have a cold?
[15:00] Ichi
    Huh?
[15:01] Ichi
    Y-Yeah, that's right. A cold.
[15:04] Ichi
    My throat's so sore, my voice is...
[15:07] Oso
    Your hair's pretty messy, too.
[15:09] Ichi
    Huh? Oh, the cold's messed up my hair, too...
[15:12] Oso
    Also, I feel a dark aura,
[15:14] Oso
    an "I don't have any friends" aura,
    and a twisted, shitty aura from you.
[15:19] Ichi
    That's from the cold, as well.
[15:25] Oso
    Are you really Karamatsu?
[15:26] Ichi
    Huh?!
[15:27] Oso
    You seem strange somehow.
[15:32] Ichi
    I seem strange?
[15:36] Ichi
    I have no plans.
[15:38] Oso
    That's not how you usually do that, is it?
[15:40] Ichi
    It's because of this cold...
[15:41] Oso
    What?
[15:43] Ichi
    Damn it! I don't know how
    to do a proper Karamatsu!
[15:45] Ichi
    Actually, what the hell is a
    "proper Karamatsu," anyway?!
[15:48] Oso
    You just seem different somehow.
[15:50] Ichi
    Wh-Wh-What are you saying, my brother?
[15:53] Ichi
    I'm Karamatsu. Oh, a mirror.
[15:55] Ichi
    Thank you for always making me look cool.
[15:57] Ichi
    Are you a comic? Yes, good job.
[16:00] Ichi
    Oh, my beautiful electrical
    outlets. I love outlets.
[16:04] Ichi
    See? I'm my usual self.
[16:08] Ichi
    He's not even looking!
    And those are my potato chips!
[16:11] Oso
    Hey, who's that?
[16:12] Ichi
    Huh?! Um, uh, um...
[16:15] Oso
    Oh, it's Ichimatsu.
[16:16] Ichi
    Th-That's right! It's Ichimatsu!
[16:18] Oso
    Hey, Ichima—
[16:19] Ichi
    Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
[16:20] Ichi
    You shouldn't wake him up!
[16:21] Oso
    Why?
[16:22] Ichi
    He's your brother, who shares your
    blood, and he's sleeping soundly.
[16:26] Ichi
    Only a villain would try to
    wake someone in that state.
[16:28] Oso
    Is it really that bad?!
[16:30] Ichi
    Shh!
[16:31] Ichi
    If you wake him, I'll kill you.
[16:34] Oso
    Wh-What kind of bodyguard
    are you? Fine, I get it...
[16:39] Ichi
    Not good. What should I do?
[16:40] Ichi
    I want to run away, but I can't leave him here.
[16:44] Oso
    Karamatsu, want some?
SIGN    Dried Sardines
[16:46] Ichi
    Th-That's...
[16:48] Oso
    Ichimatsu always hides these
    here to feed to the cats.
[16:53] Oso
    They're so good.
[16:59] Oso
    Wh-What?!
[17:01] Ichi
    Oh, the cold made my hand move on its own...
[17:03] Oso
    No, that had nothing to do with your cold!
SIGN    Dried Sardines
SIGN    Economy Size
[17:06] Oso
    What the hell? You're not making
    any sense today, Karamatsu.
[17:11] Oso
    Mmm, these are good.
[17:13] Ichi
    I want to kill him.
[17:14] Oso
    Here, have some.
[17:16] Ichi
    Those aren't yours!
[17:17] Ichi
    But if I don't eat these now,
    he'll be suspicious again.
[17:22] Oso
    See? Aren't they good?
[17:24] Ichi
    Yeah, they're delicious.
[17:26] Oso
    Right? Ichimatsu's so stupid,
    giving these to the cats.
[17:33] Ichi
    I'll kill you!
[17:42] Ichi
    No!
[17:43] Ichi
    It's not like that! Don't leave!
[17:47] Oso
    What's wrong? You want some more?
[17:54] Oso
    Wh-What?!
[17:56] Ichi
    Oh, this cold...
[17:58] Oso
    Would you stop that?!
[18:00] Ichi
    What the hell am I doing?
[18:02] Ichi
    I ate my best friend's favorite
    food to protect myself!
[18:05] Oso
    Oh, yeah... Karamatsu.
[18:08] Oso
    I have a favor to ask you.
[18:11] Oso
    Could I borrow your sunglasses
    and leather jacket just once?
[18:14] Ichi
    Huh?
[18:15] Oso
    Well, I know I always teased you about them,
    but I've always wanted to try them on once.
[18:24] Ichi
    If only I could be honest and
    just say it, like this idiot!
[18:26] Ichi
    Then I wouldn't have lost
    my best friend's trust!
[18:30] Oso
    Karamatsu? You're sweating
    a lot... Are you okay?
[18:35] Ichi
    Just be honest already, Ichimatsu.
[18:37] Ichi
    Tell him you also just wanted to try it once...
[18:41] Oso
    Hey, what's wrong?
[18:43] Ichi
    A-Actually...
[18:47] Ichi
    I told you it was a cold.
    I might have a fever.
[18:51] Oso
    Ah, I see.
[18:53] Ichi
    I can't say it! There's no way!
[18:55] Ichi
    If I could say it honestly now,
    I could've done it ages ago!
[18:58] Ichi
    I could have made friends, too!
[19:00] Oso
    Well, you'll catch a chill.
    You should take that off.
[19:02] Ichi
    Huh? No, I'm fine.
[19:04] Oso
    No, you're not.
[19:05] Ichi
    I'm fine!
[19:06] Oso
    You're sweating.
[19:07] Ichi
    It's fine.
[19:08] Oso
    You're going to get chilled.
[19:09] Ichi
    No!
[19:09] Oso
    Why?
[19:10] Ichi
    It's embarrassing!
[19:11] Oso
    Why is it embarrassing?!
[19:14] Ichi
    Because...
[19:16] Ichi
    Because I like you!
[19:19] Oso
    Huh?
[19:20] Ichi
    I've recently awakened to these feelings,
    so if I have to strip in front of you...
[19:25] Oso
    Uh, you're kidding, right?
[19:26] Ichi
    I'm not kidding, silly.
[19:29] Ichi
    I'm at my wit's end.
    Why did I lie like that?
[19:32] Ichi
    The only way out of this is to
    hurry and get him out of here.
[19:36] Ichi
    Um, Osomatsu...
[19:38] Oso
    Huh?
[19:39] Ichi
    Will you go to the races with this money?
[19:41] Oso
    Huh?
[19:42] Ichi
    I'll just lose if I go. So go for m—
[19:45] Oso
    Seriously?!
[19:45] Oso
    I can?
[19:46] Oso
    All right! Talk about lucky!
[19:48] Ichi
    If a thousand yen is all
    it takes, that's nothing.
[19:50] Ichi
    I just need to tell him later that
    what I said earlier was a joke.
[19:54] Ichi
    You're kidding... I-It can't be...
[20:03] Kara
    What?!
[20:07] Ichi
    What?!
[20:08] Kara
    What?!
[20:09] Ichi
    What?!
[20:11] Both
    What?!
[20:14] Ichii
    I-I'm finished...
[20:16] Kara
    Wh-What in the world is going on?
[20:19] Kara
    Why is Ichimatsu wearing my perfect fashion?
[20:22] Kara
    C-Could it be...
[20:24] Oso
    Karamatsu? Hey!
[20:27] Oso
    He went white as a sheet
    all of a sudden. Oh, well.
[20:31] Oso
    Oh, you're awake, Ichimatsu.
[20:37] Kara
    Yeah. I slept well.
[20:39] Ichi
    Karamatsu!
[20:41] Ichi
    Karamatsu, Karamatsu, Karamatsu!
[20:43] Ichi
    What the hell?! He's gonna try
    to act like me to remedy this?
[20:45] Ichi
    Is he a god?! Is he actually a god?!
[20:47] Ichi
    Actually, just die!
[20:49] Kara
    I'm awake, meow. I'm still sleepy, meow.
[20:52] Ichi
    But he sucks at being me!
[20:54] Oso
    What's with that character?
[20:55] Kara
    Uh, I just thought I'd go with this from now on.
[20:58] Oso
    I see.
[20:59] Ichi
    Don't say something like that!
    I don't want to go on acting like that!
[21:03] Oso
    Hey, wanna go to the horse races?
[21:06] Kara
    Uh, nah... N-Not today.
[21:10] Oso
    Aww...
[21:11] Kara
    I actually have something serious
    to discuss with Ichi— I mean,
[21:13] Kara
    Karamatsu, so could you leave, meow?
[21:16] Oso
    Huh? What the hell?
[21:18] Ichi
    Is he trying to save me by
    sending Osomatsu-niisan away?!
[21:21] Ichi
    Seriously, what's up with his
    kindness?! Actually, just die!
[21:25] Ichi
    I'm now a Karamatsu boy!
[21:28] Oso
    You guys are super creepy today.
[21:31] Oso
    See ya.
[21:35] Kara
    Hey! What are you doing, Ichimatsu?
[21:37] Kara
    You scared me!
[21:37] Ichi
    If you tell anyone about this, I'll kill you.
    Take this to your grave!
[21:42] Kara
    You're acting tough in this situation?! Really?!
[21:44] Iichi
    Just hurry up and change, you dumbass!
[21:45] Kara
    You're acting tough?!
[21:47] Kara
    Ouch!
[21:49] Oso
    I forgot somethi—
[21:54] Oso
    Sorry, my bad.
[21:55] Kara
    Wh-Wh-Whoa! It's not what it looks like!
[21:56] Oso
    Sorry.
[21:57] Kara
    It's not like that!
[21:58] Oso
    I won't tell anyone.
[21:58] Kara
    I'm telling you, it's not like that!
[21:59] Ichi
    Stop, Karamatsu-niisan!
[22:02] Kara
    Hey, you little...!
[22:04] Kra
    Seriously, it's not like that!
SIGN    Next Time on Osomatsu-san
[23:38] Jyu
    Jyushimatsu Fes— Bleaurgh!
[23:41] Jyu
    Matsu... Bleaurgh! Festiv— Bleaurgh!
[23:44] Jyu
    Matsu! Matsu! Fest—
    Bleaurgh! Bleaurgh! Bleaurgh!
[23:46] Jyu
    Jyushimatsu Festi— Bleaurgh!
SIGN    "Jyushimatsu Festival"
[23:48] ---
    Bleaurgh!