E14 - Sparkle Phantom Stream

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Pond Smelt Fishing"
[00:50] Todo
    So good!
[01:04] Todo
    Huh? Where'd he go?
[01:07] Todo
    Eh, whatever.
[01:25] Todo
    Karamatsu-niisan.
[01:27] Kara
    What's up?
[01:28] Todo
    Where'd Osomatsu-niisan and
    Choromatsu-niisan go? You have any idea?
[01:32] Kara
    Huh?
[01:35] Kara
    Nope.
[01:40] Todo
    Did they go to the bathroom?
[01:43] Todo
    Eh, whatever.
[01:47] Todo
    Huh? Karamatsu-niisan?
[01:50] Todo
    Huh?
[01:52] Todo
    What?!
[01:53] Todo
    Huh?
[01:57] Todo
    What?!
[01:59] Todo
    Osomatsu-niisan!
[02:01] Todo
    Karamatsu-niisan!
[02:02] Todo
    Choromatsu-niisan!
[02:04] Todo
    Ichimatsu-niisan!
[02:05] Todo
    Jyushimatsu-niisan!
[02:07] Todo
    Guys! Where'd you go?!
[02:24] Todo
    Wait, what's this?
SIGN    That Former Announcer...
[02:27] Todo
    Porn?
[02:28] Todo
    Wh-What's it doing in a place like this?
[02:43] Todo
    W-Wait, no! Help me!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Mortal Combat"
[04:33] Oso
    Man, it's cold... Huh?
[04:38] Kara
    Ye.
[04:41] Oso
    Now you've done it, Karamatsu! Take that!
[04:45] Kara
    Now you've done it, Osomatsu! Take that!
[04:50] Oso
    Hi-yah!
[04:52] Kara
    Hi-yah!
[05:06] Oso
    Hey!
[05:07] Kara
    Hey!
[05:12] Todo
    What the heck are you doing?
    You're so lou—
[05:15] Todo
    Hey!
[05:20] Choro
    Hey!
[05:24] Jyushi
    Hey!
[05:26] Ichi
    Hey!
[05:35] Kara
    Miyanishi!
[05:39] Todo
    Aoyagi!
[05:42] Ichi
    Kayama!
[05:44] Jyushi
    Kai Cannon!
[05:47] Choro
    Togo!
[05:49] Oso
    Busenitz!
[05:51] Oso
    Busenitz!
[05:53] Oso
    Busenitz!
[05:56] All
    Busenitz!
[05:59] Hata
    Busenitz!
[06:04] Hata
    Jo, jo, jo...
[06:15] Chibi
    The... The... The...
[06:17] Iya
    Sheeeh... Sheh!
[06:21] Toto
    Huh?
SIGN    Matsuno
[06:32] Toto
    Yay! I did it!
[06:41] Toto
    Hey!
[06:42] Oso
    You assholes!
[06:54] Chibi
    Hey! Hurry up!
[07:03] Dayon
    So cold!
[07:06] Dayon
    My head's starting to hurt...
[07:14] Dayon
    I wanna throw, too.
[07:33] ---
    Wha?!
[07:34] Hata
    It's done, jo...
[07:43] Hata
    Thanks for the snow,
    everyone around the world, jo.
[07:48] Oso
    Hold on, Hatabou!
[07:49] Kara
    Don't do that!
[07:50] Iya
    Please don't!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Sparkle Phantom Stream"
SIGN    Bizarre Phenomena Feature
[08:28] Todo
    Hey, Salmon. Go buy me a meat bun.
[08:33] Todo
    Salmon?
[08:34] Todo
    Hey, Salmon.
[08:36] Plum
    I'm Pickled Plum.
[08:38] Plum
    Seriously, could you stop mixing us up?
[08:40] Plum
    The one with the orange necktie
    is Salmon. Mine's red.
[08:44] Plum
    How many times do we have to tell you?
[08:47] Plum
    What a pain.
[08:48] Todo
    Don't blame me! You two
    look exactly the same!
[08:51] Todo
    It's all your fault!
[08:52] Plum
    I don't want to hear that from a sextuplet.
[08:55] Todo
    You little... Go buy me a meat bun!
[08:58] Plum
    Get it yourself.
[09:11] Oso
    Salmon? Hey, that's dangerous. Be careful.
[09:15] Kara
    Brother!
[09:17] Ichi
    Hey!
[09:21] All
    Hot! Hot! Hot!
[09:22] All
    Hey!
[09:29] Oso
    The hell's up with these two?
    They've totally changed!
[09:32] Ichi
    They were way better before.
[09:35] All
    Yeah.
[09:40] Choro
    Hey, where are you going?
[09:42] Choro
    What about the laundry today?
[09:44] Both
    Do it yourselves.
[09:46] Choro
    Huh?
[09:46] Salmon
    We're busy.
[09:49] Choro
    Now, hang on. You're supposed
    to be support AI, aren't you?
[09:52] Plum
    Not anymore. We are NEET AI.
[09:54] Choro
    You can't be serious!
[09:56] Salmon
    We decided to do whatever
    we want from now on.
[09:58] Salmon
    But we need to recharge every now
    and then, so we'll be back for that.
[10:02] All
    Huh?!
[10:03] Ichi
    Mom, are you really okay with this?
[10:06] Plum
    Mom, here are the goods you asked for.
[10:11] Mom
    Use as much electricity as you need.
[10:13] All
    Mom?!
[10:14] Todo
    They made some kind of deal
    right under our noses!
[10:18] Plum
    Well, we're busy, so...
[10:20] Jyushi
    Wait!
[10:22] Kara
    Busy? With what?
[10:24] Plum
    We've found something we want to do.
SIGN    Starting on the Xth of Y!!
[10:29] Kara
    A-1 Grand Prix?
SIGN    Looking for
    participants!
[10:31] Both
    Yes!
[10:32] Plum
    The A-1 Grand Prix is an
    annual comedy competition
[10:35] Sign
    Stop that
[10:37] Plum
    to determine who is the funniest AI in Japan.
[10:40] Salmon
    The winner receives the
    title of "Funniest AI"
SIGN    Prize 100 Years' Worth of Electricity
[10:44] Salmon
    and 100 years' worth
    of electricity as a prize.
[10:48] All
    Huh?
[10:51] Ichi
    You don't mean M-1?
[10:52] Plum
    It's not M-1. It's A-1.
[10:55] Salmon
    The only participants are
    artificial intelligences.
[10:57] Ichi
    Does that mean you're a comedy duo now?
[11:00] Salmon
    Yes.
[11:01] Plum
    We didn't even need to change our duo name.
[11:02] Both
    It's Riceballs!
[11:06] Salmon
    Anyway, we have to come up with our routine.
[11:08] All
    Hold it!
[11:10] Todo
    An AI comedy duo? Is that even possible?
[11:13] Oso
    It's not like you two can
    even understand comedy.
[11:16] Jyushi
    There's no way you guys
    could do something funny.
[11:19] Plum
    Well, we're funnier than you six, at least.
[11:22] All
    Hey!
[11:23] Ichi
    You wanna say that again?
    That was unforgivable.
[11:26] Kara
    It's your job to support us!
[11:29] Plum
    Exactly. So we're going to do everything
    we can to support you comedically,
[11:33] Plum
    since you're not that funny anymore.
[11:35] All
    Hey!
[11:36] Ichi
    AI can't pull that off.
[11:38] Salmon
    And, just in case this comedy
    thing doesn't work out for us,
[11:40] Salmon
    we have a voice function that
    allows us to do various voices,
[11:44] Salmon
    so we'll settle for being
    voice actors if we have to.
[11:46] All
    Hey!
[11:46] oso
    Don't underestimate voice actors.
[11:48] Kara
    What do you mean you'll settle?
[11:51] Todo
    What's with you? What's your
    estimated value right now?
[11:56] Todo
    Hello? What's your expected
    value toward comedy?
[12:02] Todo
    Huh?
[12:03] Oso
    Support us, damn it!
[12:05] Oso
    We're all still NEETs! With no girlfriends!
[12:07] Oso
    What're you going to do
    about this huge problem?!
[12:09] Both
    Sheeeh!
[12:11] Oso
    Hey! They avoided the question!
[12:13] Oso
    Stop!
[12:14] Jyushi
    Hold it!
[12:18] Kara
    Damn those jackasses!
[12:19] Todo
    There's no way AI can do comedy!
[12:22] Oso
    And win a competition? Yeah, right!
[12:24] Ichi
    Pfft. A-1, my ass.
SIGN    Appearing Today
SIGN    Riceballs
[13:08] Jyushi
    What's the matter, Choromatsu-niisan?
[13:10] Choro
    I need to find something to do in life, too.
[13:13] Jyushi
    Say what?
[13:14] Choro
    Something to do... What is it?
[13:16] Choro
    Something for me to do...
    Where's it written?!
[13:19] Choro
    Where? Is it here? Where?!
[13:21] Choro
    Where is the answer?!
[13:24] Jyushi
    What's wrong with you?! Calm down!
[13:26] Jyushi
    Choromatsu-niisan?!
[13:31] Jyushi
    Come on, what the heck happened?
SIGN    Looking for participants!
SIGN    Starting on the Xth of Y!!
[13:37] Jyushi
    The A-1 Grand Prix.
[13:40] Jyushi
    What about it?
[13:41] Choro
    Watching the Riceballs work toward this
    made me realize I need to do something, too.
[13:47] Choro
    I mean... I mean, they're just so...
[13:49] Choro
    sparkly!
[13:51] Choro
    At first, there was a part
    of me that mocked them.
[13:54] Choro
    But it's beautiful how hard they're working.
[13:57] Choro
    People who find something
    to do are so sparkly.
[14:00] Plum
    We blew it.
[14:01] Salmon
    Let's die.
[14:03] Choro
    You know how I support Totoko-chan
    and Nyaa-chan, right?
[14:06] Choro
    That's the same deal! They're so sparkly!
[14:11] Choro
    Chibita's all sparkly from working
    so hard at his oden stand.
[14:15] Chibi
    I'm in the red again.
[14:16] Choro
    That's why...
[14:17] Choro
    I want to sparkle, too!
[14:19] Choro
    I'm going to sparkle starting today!
[14:21] Choro
    Sparkle! Sparkle!
[14:24] Jyushi
    Th-This is...
[14:24] Choro
    Sparkle!
[14:27] Jyushi
    When you see someone sparkling after
    they found something they want to do,
[14:29] Jyushi
    you feel the sudden urge
    to do something yourself.
[14:33] Jyushi
    It's a phenomenon called
    "sparkle phantom stream."
SIGN    Sparkle Phantom Stream
[14:38] Choro
    Jyushimatsu!
[14:40] Choro
    You'll cheer me on, right?
[14:42] Choro
    You'll cheer me on so I can find
    something I want to do, too, right?
[14:53] Jyushi
    O-O-O-Of course I'll support you.
[14:56] Choro
    Thank you!
[14:58] Jyushi
    Karamatsu-niisan, help me out here.
[15:02] Jyushi
    Damn you, Exclusivematsu!
[15:04] Choro
    I wonder what I want to do, though.
[15:06] Choro
    What do you think it is, Jyushimatsu?
[15:08] Jyushi
    No idea. I don't think that's
    something you ask other people.
[15:11] Choro
    I wonder what it is...
[15:20] Jyushi
    Um...
[15:23] Jyushi
    Don't you have anything you like,
     Choromatsu-niisan?
[15:26] Choro
    Something I like?
[15:28] Choro
    Idols, anime, manga, light novels...
[15:32] Jyushi
    Maybe something dealing with those?
[15:48] Choro
    Nope.
[15:48] Jyushi
    Huh?
[15:49] Choro
    I mean, I just like those things.
[15:51] Choro
    I don't want to actually
    do something with them.
[15:53] Choro
    I don't feel that passionately about them.
[15:56] Jyushi
    I see.
[15:57] Choro
    Man, what do I want to do?
[16:00] Choro
    I guess I don't really understand myself.
[16:02] Choro
    That's why I can't find the answer.
[16:04] Choro
    I need to find myself first.
[16:06] Choro
    Right, Jyushimatsu?
[16:09] Choro
    But finding yourself is really hard.
[16:12] Choro
    I mean, let's say your true self is here.
[16:15] Choro
    I want to find this guy, but the one
    looking for this guy is me, too.
[16:20] Choro
    This is Choromatsu and this is Choromatsu.
[16:23] Choro
    Who's the real Choromatsu? Is it you? Or you?
[16:27] Choro
    Well, which is it?
[16:30] Choro
    Okay, got it. I clearly need
    to go on a journey first.
[16:36] Jyushi
    Wait, hang on! Don't go
    on that trip just yet!
[16:38] Jyushi
    Crap! Choromatsu-niisan is definitely
    headed in the wrong direction.
[16:42] Jyushi
    I need to point him in the right direction.
[16:44] Jyushi
    But if I do that to him right now...
[16:47] Jyushi
    Choromatsu-niisan will probably die!
    That's why I can't tell him.
[16:50] Jyushi
    How do I get this through to him?
[16:55] Jyushi
    Karamatsu-niisan's finally making a move!
[16:59] Kara
    Heh, Brother.
[17:01] Kara
    A journey, eh? That's a great idea.
[17:03] Kara
    Good luck. Have a nice journey!
[17:05] Choro
    Thanks!
[17:07] Jyushi
    Don't push him further down this path!
[17:08] Choro
    You're so nice, Karamatsu.
[17:10] Jyushi
    Or he's just toxic!
[17:16] Choro
    Hey, this looks good.
[17:18] Choro
    I think I can do this.
[17:22] Choro
    DIY!
[17:25] Jyushi
    Where'd this come from?
    You never mentioned this before.
[17:28] Choro
    I've been interested in it for a while.
[17:30] Jyushi
    This is the first I'm hearing about it.
[17:31] Choro
    I've always wanted to do this.
[17:33] Jyushi
    This is the first I'm hearing about it.
[17:34] Choro
    So, DYI.
[17:35] Jyushi
    Huh?
[17:37] Choro
    Support me.
[17:39] Jyushi
    Huh?
[17:45] Jyushi
    I got these from the mountain back there.
[17:48] Jyushi
    I borrowed these from Dekapan...
[17:51] Jyushi
    and these from Chibita.
[17:53] Jyushi
    Well, you've got what you need. Have at it.
[18:07] Choro
    This isn't it.
[18:08] Jyushi
    What?!
[18:09] Choro
    It seems like a lot of work.
     And I might get hurt.
[18:11] Choro
    Also, I'm not that interested.
[18:14] Choro
    It can't be something I thought
    of in five seconds, Jyushimatsu.
[18:17] Choro
    I don't see myself becoming sparkly with this.
[18:20] Jyushi
    It took me a while to get all this stuff...
[18:22] Choro
    Anyway, I found something great.
SIGN    Solo Camping
[18:25] Choro
    Solo camping.
[18:26] Choro
    I think this is perfect. You know
    how much I like nature, right?
[18:29] Jyushi
    This is the first I'm hearing about it.
[18:31] Choro
    You can't always rely only your brain.
    Moving your body is important, too.
[18:35] Jyushi
    Then why not just do some DIY?
[18:36] Choro
    I'm gonna go camping.
[18:38] Jyushi
    Huh?
[18:39] Choro
    Support me.
[18:41] Jyushi
    Huh?
[18:49] Jyushi
    All done!
[18:52] Choro
    This isn't it.
[18:53] Jyushi
    Huh?!
[18:54] Choro
    There are bugs everywhere!
    I can't deal with bugs!
[18:58] Choro
    I don't see myself becoming sparkly with this.
[19:03] Choro
    So, I found something great...
[19:11] Choro
    This isn't it.
[19:12] Choro
    I don't have time to help out others.
[19:15] Choro
    I'm the one who needs help here.
[19:17] Choro
    So, I found something great...
[19:21] Choro
    This isn't it.
[19:23] Choro
    This isn't it.
[19:26] Choro
    This isn't it.
[19:30] Choro
    Good grief.
[19:32] Choro
    I guess whatever I want to do doesn't exist.
[19:36] Choro
    Man, this world sucks... Huh?
[19:44] Jyushi
    Get a clue! Your own image is barely there!
    You're too easily influenced by others!
[19:48] Jyushi
    You keep saying it's too much
    trouble or work, but of course it is!
[19:50] Jyushi
    Of course you can't keep it up! Because
    you didn't decide this for yourself!
[19:54] Jyushi
    Like you'll ever find something
    you actually want to do, dumbass!
[19:58] Choro
    Sorry, this is all my fault.
[20:01] Choro
    But let me just say this.
[20:04] Choro
    Shut up.
[20:05] Jyushi
    Huh?
[20:06] Choro
    Shut the hell up!
[20:07] Choro
    I know that, okay?! You're the
    ones who don't understand!
[20:11] Jyushi
    Choromatsu-niisan?
[20:13] Choro
    It's not like I want to actually
    find something I want to do!
[20:16] Choro
    I just want to sparkle, damn it!
[20:18] Choro
    That's my main goal here!
[20:19] Jyushi
    What?! You're admitting that?!
[20:21] Choro
    Well, everyone else is all sparkly!
[20:23] Choro
    I'm the only one not sparkling!
[20:25] Choro
    But I don't really have
    anything I want to do.
[20:27] Choro
    It's not like I can find it.
    I don't even know how to find it!
[20:30] Choro
    I think I finally found it,
    but it's an illusion!
[20:32] Choro
    Then, if I create something I
    want to do, I get told it's fake!
[20:36] Choro
    So what the hell am I supposed to do?!
[20:38] Choro
    How am I supposed to sparkle?!
[20:40] Choro
    How do you all do it?!
[20:42] Choro
    God damn it! Damn you all!
[20:44] Jyushi
    Hey, what's the big idea?!
[20:50] Kara
    Th-They're...
[21:02] Kara
    They're totally sparkling...
[21:04] Kara
    I can't get left behind!
[21:06] Kara
    Guys!
[21:21] Oso
    The hell are you guys doing?
[21:24] Oso
    Yikes, you're creepy!
[21:26] Choro
    Osomatsu-niisan! We finally
    found our calling in life!
[21:29] Jyushi
    We did!
[21:30] Kara
    We sure did!
[21:32] All
    Ta-da!
[21:33] All
    We're going to raise a goldfish!
[21:36] Oso
    Huh?
[21:37] Jyushi
    The three of us are gonna work super hard...
[21:39] Kara
    ...to take care of this goldfish every day.
[21:43] Choro
    Well? Am I sparkling?
[21:45] Both
    You are!
[21:47] Both
    Are we sparkly?
[21:48] Choro
    You sure are!
[21:50] All
    Sparkle! Sparkle!
[21:53] Some
    Aw, sparkly...
[21:55] Ichi
    I see it's begun again this year.
SIGN    End
[21:57] Todo
    It sure has...
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:31] Choro
    I'm Matsuno Choromatsu.
[23:32] Choro
    Next week, we have "Cosplaymatsu."
[23:34] Choro
    It's a story where we'll be in
    different outfits doing "that."
[23:37] Choro
    If you're ever going to wear
    different outfits and do "that,"
[23:40] Choro
    please make sure to invite me.
[23:41] Choro
    I'll come watch.
[23:43] Choro
    I'm Matsuno Choromatsu.
[23:45] Choro
    Huh? What's "that"?
[23:47] Choro
    Huh?! Why would you ask something so lewd?!
SIGN    "Cosplaymatsu"
[23:51] Choro
    Just where are you from?!