E25 - Osomatsu-san, Such As It Was

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:00] Choro
    When I got my job, the first thing
    that popped into my head
[00:04] Choro
    was all of their faces.
[00:06] Todo
    It's probably better
[00:07] Todo
    if we're not together.
[00:09] Kara
    At this rate, we sextuplets will be ruined.
[00:12] Mom
    Osomatsu.
[00:14] Mom
    There's a letter for you.
SIGN    "Osomatsu-san, Such As It Was"
[01:55] Choro
    Huh? Huh?!
[01:57] Choro
    Why?!
[01:58] Choro
    Why did it catch on fire?!
[01:59] Choro
    After I went to the trouble of writing it!
[02:03] Choro
    But just in case something like this
    happened, I actually wrote another...
[02:08] Oso
    Y-You're kidding me...
[02:13] Oso
    We've...
[02:15] Oso
    been selected...
[02:17] Oso
    for the invitational!
SIGN    Entered in Invitational Matsuno Family
[02:21] Oso
    Hey, guys! You won't believe it!
[02:23] Oso
    We've been selected for the invitational!
[02:25] Todo
    The invitational?!
[02:26] Oso
    Hurry up and come home!
    We need to get ready for the match!
[02:29] Kara
    Seriously?!
[02:29] Oso
    This is no time to be selfish
[02:31] Oso
    and talk about things like being
    independent and getting a job!
[02:33] Jyu
    True!
[02:34] Oso
    I mean, it's the invitational!
[02:35] Ichi
    Yeah!
[02:36] Oso
    Now's the time to put
    our strengths together!
[02:38] Choro
    You're right!
SIGN    Entered in Invitational Matsuno Family
[02:42] Todo
    It's true!
[02:43] Kara
    To think we...
[02:45] Jyu
    ...were picked for the invitational!
[02:47] Choro
    Could there possibly be anything better?
[02:51] Choro
    Oh, it caught fire.
[02:52] Mom
    Good for you! To think you were
    chosen for the invitational...
[02:56] Dad
    Invitational?
[02:58] Dad
    What invitational?
[03:00] Dad
    Huh?
[03:02] Dad
    Also, Choromatsu, why aren't you at work?
[03:04] Choro
    I turned in my resignation and quit.
[03:06] Choro
    What?! You... What?!
[03:12] Mom
    Honey, this isn't the time to
    be saying such silly things.
[03:16] Dad
    Huh?
[03:17] Oso
    All right, you guys!
[03:18] Oso
    This is our chance to graduate from
    being shitty NEETs! We have to win!
[03:22] Five
    Yeah!
[03:23] Oso
    Victory in the invitational is ours!
[03:26] All
    Yeah!
[03:28] Choro
    Invitational! Invitational!
[03:33] Dad
    Wh-What is this?
SIGN    88th Invitational Match-up Drawings
[03:35] Host
    We will now draw the match-ups for the
    88th Invitational adglkjdsk Tournament.
[03:43] Dad
    Huh? The invitational what?
[03:45] Mom
    Shh!
SIGN    88th Invitational adglkjdsk Tournament
[03:50] Dad
    The invitational what*?!
[03:54] Jyu
    This is so exciting!
[03:55] Choro
    It gets your ass hair burning.
[03:57] Todo
    Hey, if you guys win, what prize
    are you going to ask for?
[03:59] Choro
    Huh? You're already going there, Totty?
[04:02] Choro
    You're actually asking?
[04:03] Oso
    I'm going to ask for permanent residence
    in pachinko parlors and horse race tracks.
[04:07] Five
    Wow, sounds good!
[04:09] Choro
    I'm going to ask for a magical
    staff that can stop a girl's time.
[04:12] Five
    Wow, sounds good!
[04:14] Todo
    I'll get Prestige to use me in a film.
[04:16] Five
    Nice!
[04:17] Ichi
    I'll get a species change
    operation to become a cat.
[04:19] Five
    Nice!
[04:20] Kara
    I'm going to have a solo
    concert at the Budokan.
[04:22] Ichi
    Nice!
[04:26] Ichi
    Damn it!
[04:28] Oso
    Anyway, the only choice we have is to win.
[04:30] Oso
    Let's seriously do our best!
[04:31] All
    Yeah!
[04:33] Dad
    W-Well, they're trying to do their
    best, so I guess it's fine.
[04:37] Guy
    Next, the 21st century Matsuno family.
[04:40] Oso
    Y'ere!
[04:42] Choro
    Calm down.
[04:54] Guy
    The Matsuno Family has drawn the snake.
[04:57] Guy
    The snake will be the third match on
    the fourth day of the tournament.
SIGN    Koushien
SIGN    Black Factory Academy Dogface High School
SIGN    Former Flag Corporation Matsuno Family
SIGN    Hijirisawa Mercantile Chinese Kenpo High School Robot Tech High School
[05:20] Dad
    H-Hey, dear... Why do they have guns?
[05:22] Mom
    Shh!
[05:24] Guy
    And now for the athletes' pledge.
[05:37] Dad
    What?
[05:45] Hiji
    Hey! Cut it out!
SIGN    Hijirisawa Mercantile
[05:48] Hiji
    What are you saying? I can't
    understand you, you idiot!
[05:51] Hiji
    Let's go!
[05:57] Dad
    Huh?
[05:58] Dad
    Huh?!
[06:01] Guy
    We've reached the fourth day of the 88th
    Invitational adglkjdsk Tournament.
SIGN    Musashi Ironworks Matsuno Family
[06:08] Guy
    The third match will be Musashi
    Ironworks versus the Matsuno Family.
[06:11] Guy
    They'll begin play momentarily.
[06:13] Both
    Let's play!
SIGN    Pitcher
    Osomatsu
SIGN    Catcher
    Choromatsu
SIGN    First Base
     Jyushimatsu
[06:20] Jyu
    Baseball! Baseball!
SIGN    Second Base
    Ichimatsu
[06:22] Ichi
    Meow, meow, meow.
SIGN    Third Base
    Karamatsu
[06:25] Kara
    I guess I'll have to play for real.
[06:31] Kara
    Right here, Jyushimatsu!
[06:33] Kara
    Ah! Mistake!
SIGN    Shortstop
    Todomatsu
[06:36] Todo
    Whoopsie.
SIGN    Left Field
    Matsuyo
[06:39] Mom
    Ow!
SIGN    Center Field
    Matsuzou
[06:40] Dad
    Ow!
SIGN    Right Field
    Nobody
[06:44] Toto
    We came to cheer you on!
[06:46] Toto
    You can do it, you pieces of trash!
[06:48] Nya
    Win, nya!
[06:51] Chibi
    If you win, I'll clear your tab!
[06:55] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[06:59] Hata
    Jo...
[07:01] Oso
    Everyone! This is the do-or-die moment!
[07:03] Oso
    Even though we've only ever lost before...
[07:07] Oso
    If we win this invitational,
    I think it'll make up for all that.
[07:11] Oso
    I think all of our fail up
    to now will just vaporize!
[07:15] Oso
    So let's win this thing!
[07:24] Oso
    Hey, where's your reaction?!
[07:26] Guy
    And now, the third match of the day begins!
[07:30] Ump
    Play!
SIGN    Fujita Gas
[07:39] Oso
    Man, nobody else is into this. I guess
    I'll have to pull all of our weight.
[07:46] Oso
    I'll show everyone my pitching...
[07:49] Oso
    For my sake, as well as my brothers'...
[07:51] Oso
    I'll bet everything on this throw.
[07:54] Choro
    Uh, this is the opening pitch.
[07:56] Choro
    Why are you all worked up?
    Just throw the damn thing.
[07:59] Oso
    Thinking back...
[08:00] Choro
    Stop thinking back! It's the opening pitch!
[08:02] Oso
    Yes, for our victory at this invitational,
[08:05] Oso
    we've been through so much.
[08:07] Choro
    None of that happened.
[08:09] Choro
    That's slightly off. What the hell?
[08:11] Choro
    That never happened!
[08:13] Choro
    Neither did that!
SIGN    All of the pitches!
[08:15] Choro
    Didn't happen!
[08:16] Choro
    Well, that happened, but still!
[08:18] Oso
    Yes, now is the time to put all those*
    feelings into this ball, Osomatsu!
[08:25] Choro
    Just throw it already.
    You're pissing me off.
[08:28] Oso
    Here goes!
[08:36] Choro
    Just throw the damn ball, dumbass!
[08:38] Oso
    Hi-yah!
[08:39] Ump
    Ball.
[08:40] Oso
    Che-yah!
[08:41] Ump
    Ball.
[08:41] Oso
    And there!
[08:42] Ump
    Ball.
[08:43] Oso
    Ow!
[08:44] Ump
    Ball. Four balls.
[08:46] Guy
    Oh, my! Four straight balls,
    right from the start!
[08:49] Oso
    Whew, that ump sure is tough.
[08:55] Toto
    What are you doing, you damn virgin?!
[09:02] Todo
    Man, we can't count on
    him to handle anything.
[09:05] Ichi
    What do we do about a pitcher?
[09:07] Kara
    I guess it's my turn now.
[09:09] Choro
    What do we do about a pitcher?
[09:10] Kara
    Uh, I said...
[09:11] Todo
    Hmm...
[09:12] Todo
    We have no choice. Since he loves baseball,
    we'll have Jyushimatsu-niisan...
[09:17] Jyu
    Baseballman!
[09:19] Todo
    What the hell?!
[09:21] Jyu
    Boeh! Boeh!
[09:22] Jyu
    I'll kill you with baseball!
[09:25] Ichi
    There, there, there...
[09:26] Todo
    Seriously, what is this?
[09:27] Choro
    He loves baseball, but it's his first match.
[09:31] Choro
    He's so thrilled, he went all crazy.
[09:34] Todo
    This is way too crazy!
[09:35] Jyu
    Baseball!
[09:36] Ichi
    Hey, Jyushimatsu!
[09:37] Kara
    Well, no choice now.
[09:39] Kara
    I'll just have to be the pitcher...
[09:41] Choro
    I'll do it.
[09:42] Todo
    Thanks.
SIGN    Musashi Ironworks Matsuno Family
[09:44] Guy
    And the Matsuno Family is
    changing pitchers already.
[09:48] Kara
    Brother, let's go over the signals.
[09:52] Kara
    This means a fastball.
[09:54] Kara
    This means a curveball.
[09:57] Kara
    This means a forkball. Understand?
[09:59] Choro
    Nope.
[10:01] Ump
    Play!
[10:04] Choro
    What signal is that?!
    You didn't mention that one!
[10:08] Kara
    Brother, throw it inside!
[10:09] Choro
    Don't tell me, idiot!
[10:11] Oso
    Hey, pitcher. Hey.
[10:14] Oso
    Hurry up and throw it.
[10:16] Oso
    It's only your first pitch. Are you scared?
[10:19] Choro
    Whose team are you on?!
[10:21] Todo
    Choromatsu-niisan, focus! Ignore him!
[10:24] Choro
    Right.
[10:25] Toto
    You can do it, Choromatsu-kun!
[10:27] Choro
    Totoko-chan!
[10:28] Todo
    Fappymatsu! Focus!
[10:30] Nya
    Choromatsu-kun!
[10:32] Choro
    Nyaa-chan!
[10:33] Todo
    Fappymatsu!
[10:34] Both
    Fight!
[10:37] Todo
    Chorofappyski!
[10:38] Ichi
    Fappy bastard! You fappy bastard!
[10:45] Choro
    Man, I can't deal with this.
[10:48] Oso
    I know. They have no teamwork.
[10:49] Jyu
    Baseball!
[10:51] Choro
    You said it.
[10:52] Todo
    Seriously, what is this?
    Why are we brothers like this?
[10:55] Jyu
    Baseball!
[10:56] Kara
    Okay, brother.
[10:58] Kara
    Given what's happened to the
    oldest and third-oldest,
[11:00] Kara
    I, the second-oldest, will be pitcher—
[11:02] Guy
    And they've changed again.
    This game is going nowhere.
[11:05] Guy
    Give it a rest!
[11:07] Both
    Yeah! Four balls!
[11:09] Both
    Bean ball!
[11:10] Both
    Four balls! Bean ball!
[11:10] Todo
    I wish they'd just die.
[11:13] Todo
    Once again, I'm the only decent one here.
[11:13] Both
    Four balls! Bean ball!
[11:16] Todo
    There!
[11:17] Both
    Are you a girl?!
[11:19] Todo
    Yay! It's coming to you, Ichimatsu-niisan!
[11:21] Guy
    This could be a double play!
[11:23] Chibi
    Yes!
[11:24] Choro
    Blow it!
[11:25] Oso
    Blow it!
[11:27] Guy
    Four!
[11:28] Guy
    Six!
[11:29] Guy
    Three, and...
[11:37] Guy
    Home run!
[11:41] Guy
    First baseman Jyushimatsu has actually
    completed a 4-6-3 home run!
[11:46] Jyu
    I did it!
SIGN    Musashi Ironworks Matsuno Family
[11:49] Guy
    It's the top of the first,
    and Musa Iron leads by three runs!
[11:52] Jyu
    Yay! Yay!
[11:54] Todo
    Doesn't he know the rules of baseball?
[11:54] Jyu
    I did it! I did it!
[11:57] Ichi
    Okay, I'm going home.
[11:57] Jyu
    Bravo! Bravo!
[12:00] All
    Shortstop!
[12:02] All
    Don't take a break, Todomatsu!
[12:05] All
    Second base!
[12:07] All
    Don't give up, Karamatsu!
[12:11] All
    Hey!
[12:30] Kara
    I see.
[12:32] Kara
    Okay, someone take over—
[12:35] Jyu
    Baseball!
[12:37] Jyu
    Baseball is so fun!
[12:51] Dad
    Dear, they're no good after all.
[12:53] Dad
    Let's have some new kids.
[12:55] Mom
    Yeah, let's.
SIGN    Musashi Ironworks Matsuno Family
[12:58] Ump
    Game, set!
[13:00] Ump
    The Matsuno Family loses as the game
    is called in the top of the first.
[13:12] Todo
    Damn... So this is an invitational...
[13:14] Kara
    If not for that sea breeze...
[13:16] Jyu
    I guess there are some real
    monsters at invitationals...
[13:21] Oso
    And so, our invitational match ended.
[13:26] Oso
    And then...
SIGN    One Year Later
[13:31] Oso
    Everyone, let's believe in our own strength.
[13:34] All
    Yeah!
[13:35] Oso
    After lots of such-and-such and
    so-and-so, we came back much stronger!
SIGN    Musashi Ironworks Matsuno Family
[13:43] Guy
    Hey! Our number 4!
SIGN    Matsuno Family
    
    Chinese Kenpo High School
[13:44] Chibi
    The hell?!
[13:48] Guy
    Whoa!
[13:49] Guy
    Hey! Our ace!
SIGN    Former Flag Corporation
    
    Matsuno Family
[13:50] Hata
    That's too big a lead-off, jo!
[13:53] Ichi
    Hm? What's wrong?
[13:55] Todo
    Are you all right?
SIGN    Robot Tech High School
    
    Matsuno Family
[13:59] Toto
    The hell you doing, dumbass?!
[14:04] Ump
    S-Safe.
[14:05] Both
    You're so cute!
SIGN    Hijirisawa Mercantile
    
    Matsuno Family
[14:07] Iyami
    This is my chance to hit
    a walk-off home run!
[14:10] Iyami
    Taste me French-style hit!
[14:14] Ump
    Strike. Batter out.
[14:15] Hiji
    Ha! Idiot!
[14:17] Iyami
    Sheh.
[14:18] Hiji
    What the hell?!
[14:21] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
SIGN    Matsuno Family Yokohama High School
[14:24] Guy
    Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
SIGN    Sendai Ikue Matsuno Family
[14:27] Choro
    Hey.
SIGN    BL Academy Matsuno Family
[14:34] Oso
    And so, with these ingenious
    plans, we kept winning,
SIGN    Matsuno Family
[14:38] Oso
    and finally made it to the final round of
    the Invitational adglkjdsk Tournament.
SIGN    89th Invitational adglkjdsk Tournament
[14:43] All
    Hustle! Hustle!
[14:45] All
    Muscle! Muscle!
[14:47] All
    Hustle! Hustle!
SIGN    Coachmatsu
[14:55] Oso
    Coachmatsu...
[14:56] Choro
    Coachmatsu...
[14:58] Kara
    We managed to get this
    strong because of you.
[15:02] Jyu
    I wanted you to see us play in the final...
[15:05] Ichi
    I'm sorry, everyone!
[15:07] Ichi
    If... If only I hadn't done
    that, Coachmatsu would...
[15:10] Todo
    Don't talk like that now, Ichimatsu-niisan.
[15:12] Todo
    It was an accident! An accident, okay?
[15:15] Chibi
    The hell? Crying won't
    bring Coachmatsu back.
[15:19] Iyami
    Our only option is to win.
[15:21] Toto
    We have to psych ourselves up!
[15:23] Hata
    We have to win, jo.
[15:27] Oso
    Okay, that's enough sentimentality.
[15:30] ---
    
SIGN    Coachmatsu
[15:32] All
    Sheeeh!
[15:36] Ichi
    Man, every single one of
    us really is just trash.
[15:39] Jyu
    But if we're together...
[15:40] Kara
    We can win.
[15:42] Todo
    You think so?
[15:43] Choro
    Who knows?
[15:45] Oso
    Well, we have no choice but to go for it.
[15:52] Oso
    The final round...
[15:53] Oso
    For better or for worse, this is the end.
[16:01] Guy
    And now, in the final round of the 89th
    Invitational adglkjdsk Tournament,
[16:06] Guy
    it's the Matsuno Family versus the
[16:07] Guy
    Fourth Galactic University
    Affiliated High School.
[16:08] Guy
    We've reached the critical moment,
    the bottom of the ninth.
[16:22] All
    Chibita!
[16:27] Ump
    Strike. Batter out.
[16:29] Chibi
    R-Run for it... you idjits...
[16:34] All
    Chibita!
[16:36] Guy
    And he's basically dead.
[16:37] Guy
    Fourth Galaxy U Affiliated's
    power is overwhelming.
[16:40] Guy
    This is what we know as galactic baseball.
[16:42] Guy
    There's nothing the Matsuno Family can do!
[16:45] Toto
    I-Is this the en—
[16:55] Oso
    D-Damn it! So this is the
    wall of the invitationals?
[17:00] Choro
    Iyami!
[17:02] Iyami
    There's no defying an enemy we can't beat.
[17:04] Iyami
    Bye-bye, sextuplets!
[17:09] All
    Iyami!
[17:13] All
    Iyami?!
[17:14] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[17:23] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[17:33] Ump
    Strike. Batter out.
[17:35] Ump
    And that's two outs. They're out of chances.
[17:39] Choro
    E-Even Iyami...
[17:41] Ichi
    I guess there's no way we can win after all.
[17:44] Todo
    No! It's not over yet!
[17:46] Todo
    We still have a chance! Have faith!
[17:52] Jyu
    But we've already...
[17:54] Todo
    Don't give up so easily!
[17:56] Todo
    It's the invitational! The final round!
[17:58] Todo
    We expected this much!
[18:00] Todo
    Here!
[18:02] Todo
    Osomatsu-niisan, I don't
    want to say this, but...
[18:07] Todo
    As the oldest, you have
    to sacrifice yourself!
[18:09] Oso
    What?!
[18:10] Todo
    You're the oldest!
[18:11] Oso
    Huh?
[18:12] Todo
    No, seriously!
[18:13] Oso
    You—
[18:13] Todo
    No, seriously, seriously, seriously!
[18:15] Todo
    I mean it! Times like this
    are what the oldest is for!
[18:18] Kara
    That's true.
[18:18] Ichi
    He has a point.
[18:19] Choro
    You are the oldest.
[18:20] Jyu
    Yeah, for times like this.
[18:22] Oso
    You guys are seriously the worst!
[18:24] Oso
    All five of you are the enemy!
[18:25] Oso
    Die! Just die!
[18:27] Choro
    Hey, look at that!
[18:29] All
    Oh! Is that...
[18:33] All
    Is it finally here?!
[18:36] Deka
    Sorry for the wait.
[18:37] Deka
    With this power we've attained through
    overflowing jealousy and lust...
[18:41] Dayon
    We'll kill them all.
[18:49] All
    R-Run!
[18:52] Toto
    Hold it!
[18:55] All
    T-Totoko-chan!
[18:58] Toto
    Don't you run away,
[18:59] Toto
    you shitty, stupid, NEET trash v*****
    Fappyski brothers with tiny s!
[19:02] All
    B-But...
[19:04] Toto
    You can still do it!
[19:05] Toto
    After all... After all,
    if you win this match...
[19:11] Toto
    I'll grant you the right to **** Totoko!
[19:23] All
    All right!
[20:07] Toto
    Go, you shitty NEETS!
[20:22] Oso
    I... I wanna do you!
[20:24] Kara
    Let me do you!
[20:26] Choro
    I don't wanna be a virgin anymore!
[20:29] Ichi
    I'd be satisfied with just looking!
[20:31] Jyu
    Boobies!
[20:32] Todo
    No! Bellybutton wrinkles!
[20:37] Oso
    If the six of us can combine
    our strengths as one...
[20:40] All
    As one...
[20:47] Oso
    But!
[20:49] Oso
    One, two, and...
[20:53] All
    What's impossible is impossible!
[21:02] Ump
    Strike. Batter out.
[21:05] Ump
    Game, set!
[21:08] Guy
    And so the invitational winner is
[21:10] Guy
    the Fourth Galactic University
    Affiliated High School!
[21:12] Guy
    They've earned the right to
    advance to the final stage!
[21:22] [SONG] Text
    Fourth Galactic
    University Affiliated
    High School Song
[21:23] Song
    Black holes look so obscene
[21:31] Song
    A moon landing sounds sort of perverted
[21:39] Song
    Ah, strap-slashed breast
    sacks in low gravity
[21:47] Song
    Ah, strap-slashed breast
    sacks with no resistance
[21:54] Song
    We are Fourth Galaxy, Fourth Galaxy
[21:58] Song
    Forever in the secondary sex
    characteristics growth stage
SIGN    The End
SIGN    Ending Card Illustration:
    Asano Naoyuki
[23:44] Bottom
    See ya sometime!!