E19 - President Dekapan / Ventriloquism / Valentine's Day

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:04] Crowd
    Dekapan! Dekapan! Dekapan! Dekapan!
SIGN    Dekapan
[00:09] Crowd
    Dekapan! Dekapan! Dekapan! Dekapan!
[00:12] Deka
    I did it! I became the president!
[00:17] Deka
    I never thought I'd actually win.
[00:21] Deka
    I guess running in an election on a whim
    is worth trying now and then.
SIGN    Dekapan
[00:25] Deka
    I'm the new president, Dekapan.
SIGN    "President Dekapan"
[00:35] Todo
    Listen, President Dekapan.
[00:37] Todo
    This isn't the time to be so merry.
[00:39] Todo
    Being president means the people will
    expect you to carry out their wishes.
[00:44] Todo
    Then there's the prosperity of our nation,
    good relations with other countries...
[00:47] Todo
    Not to mention keeping
    an eye on world affairs.
[00:51] Todo
    Listen very carefully, Mr. President.
    Politics is basically a vessel.
[00:55] Todo
    Let me remind you again that
    popularity is everything.
[00:55] Sign
    Top Secret
[00:58] Todo
    But that doesn't just mean
    you have to be likable.
[01:01] Todo
    You need to have a broad perspective.
[01:04] Todo
    Please listen! I'll say this one more time!
[01:06] Todo
    Just because you became president,
[01:08] Todo
    this isn't the time to be so merry!
[01:12] Todo
    Are you listening, Mr. President?!
[01:14] Todo
    I mean, and let me say this
    again about politics...
[01:17] Todo
    Again, again, this isn't
    the time to be merry!
[01:21] Todo
    Being president means
[01:23] Todo
    the people will expect you
    to carry out their wishes.
[01:25] Todo
    Then there's the prosperity of our nation
    and good relations with other countries,
[01:29] Todo
    not to mention keeping
    an eye on world affairs...
[01:33] Todo
    Are you listening, Mr. President?!
[01:35] Todo
    What are you doing, Mr. President?!
[01:36] Deka
    What's that button for?
[01:38] Todo
    It does absolutely nothing.
[01:40] Deka
    I want to push it.
[01:41] Todo
    Absolutely not!
[01:43] Todo
    This button is just meant to be here.
[01:45] Todo
    Its sole purpose is to be here.
[01:48] Deka
    But I'm so curious.
[01:50] Deka
    I wanna push it.
[01:52] Deka
    Please?
[01:56] Todo
    All right, I get it.
[01:58] Todo
    Please just settle for this toy button.
[02:08] Deka
    This is so calming.
[02:13] Todo
    I guess you can be pretty cute
    sometimes, Mr. President.
[02:19] Todo
    I said no!
[02:20] Deka
    I wanna push it!
[02:21] Todo
    No!
[02:21] Deka
    Wanna push! Wanna push the button!
[02:25] Deka
    Let me push it!
[02:29] Todo
    You dumbass!
[02:36] Todo
    You can't be serious. Who the hell
    picked this guy to be president?
[02:40] Deka
    Is there no way you'll let me push it?
[02:42] Todo
    No means no!
[02:42] Deka
    Okay, I won't push it. But let me at
    least lick the very top of the button.
[02:48] Todo
    The hell?! What are you talking about?
[02:51] Deka
    Just the top.
[02:52] Todo
    Just the top?
[02:58] Todo
    Oh, all right.
[03:04] Deka
    This is so calming.
[03:08] Todo
    This is disturbing.
[03:11] Deka
    I-I can't hold back anymore!
[03:16] Todo
    I told you no, you cueball!
    You freak in underwear!
[03:19] Deka
    Just once!
[03:21] Todo
    And that once would end everything!
[03:23] Deka
    Let me push it!
[03:24] Todo
    No!
[03:25] Deka
    Let me do it!
[03:25] Todo
    No!
[03:26] Deka
    Just let me do it once!
[03:27] Todo
    No! Seriously, who the hell
    elected you president?!
[03:32] Both
    Oh.
[03:41] Todo
    Aw... There it goes.
[03:44] Deka
    I didn't get to push it.
[03:50] Todo
    Aw... And now it's coming back.
[03:53] Deka
    I really wanted to push it.
SIGN    End
SIGN    Ventriloquism
[05:30] Iyami
    Come one, come all!
SIGN    Ventriloquism
    Show
[05:34] Iyami
    We have a super fun
    ventriloquism show for you!
[05:37] Kid
    What's that?
[05:42] Iyami
    Let's start off with introductions.
[05:44] Chibi
    My name's Chibisuke!
[05:46] Hata
    My name's Hatarou.
[05:49] Chibi
    And the two of us are...
[05:50] Both
    Chibihata-chan.
[05:52] Chib
    Nice to meet ya.
[05:53] Hata
    Nice to meet you, jo.
[05:56] Kid
    That's amazing!
[05:57] Kid
    That guy's mouth isn't moving at all!
[05:59] Kid
    It's perfect ventriloquism!
SIGN    Viewing fee
[06:03] Chib
    So easy, you idjits!
    They totally fell for it.
[06:06] Iyami
    Children are the easiest to fool.
[06:10] Hata
    Ventriloquism is so fun, jo.
[06:16] Chib
    Hey, Hatarou-kun.
[06:18] Hata
    What is it, Chibisuke-kun?
[06:20] Chib
    What's your favorite food, Hatarou-kun?
[06:23] Hata
    Um...
[06:24] Iyami
    Oh, don't you like oden, Hatarou-kun?
[06:28] Chib
    Oden, huh?
[06:30] Chib
    Wait, that's mine. Get it right.
[06:33] ---
    Sheeeh!
[06:35] Iyami
    That hurt! Why'd you hit me, Hatarou-kun?
[06:39] Hata
    I'm not the one who hit you, jo.
[06:42] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[06:44] Iyami
    This is so confusing.
[06:46] Iyami
    Who's who, and who's talking right now?
[06:50] Both
    It's all you.
[06:52] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[06:54] Iyami
    Oh, that's right.
SIGN    Viewing fee
[07:02] Jyu
    This is awesome!
[07:04] Chib
    We're gonna have yakiniku tonight!
[07:06] Iyami
    Don't forget the
    all-you-can-drink beverages.
[07:08] Chib
    We'll add in dessert...
[07:09] Iyami
    ...and some bathing beauties.
[07:12] Hata
    Ventriloquism is so fun, jo.
[07:14] Hata
    Jo!
[07:16] Hata
    Jo, jo, jo... Jo...
[07:19] Hata
    I gotta pee, jo.
[07:21] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[07:23] Iyami
    What?!
[07:24] Hata
    I'm gonna pee!
[07:25] Iyami
    J-J-Just hold it.
    We're in the middle of a show.
[07:29] Chibi
    Now that you mention it...
[07:34] Chibi
    Now I need to poop, too.
[07:37] Iyami
    Sheeeh! Just hold it!
[07:41] Chibi
    It's coming! It's coming!
[07:43] Iyami
    Hey!
[07:47] Hata
    Jo...
[07:52] Chibi
    The hell...
[07:55] Iyami
    Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh...
[07:57] Iyami
    Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh...
[07:59] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[08:02] Kid
    That's awesome!
[08:03] Kid
    Did they all just speak at once?
[08:03] Bg
    Amazing!
[08:05] Kid
    I've never seen anything like this!
[08:11] Oil
    Oh, you look like you're having fun.
[08:16] Kid
    Hey, it's an oil magnate!
[08:19] Oil
    Sorry to keep you waiting.
    I'm the Oil Magnate.
[08:22] Oil
    Mr. Ventriloquist... Please display
    those amazing skills at my party.
[08:27] Oil
    I will pay you handsomely.
SIGN    Viewing fee
[08:31] All
    Sheeeh!
[08:34] Chibi
    All right! You idjits! Damn it!
[08:35] Hata
    This is mine, jo!
[08:37] Iyami
    Sheeeh! It belongs to me!
[08:39] Chibi
    Let go!
[08:40] Hata
    It's mine, jo.
[08:41] Iyami
    Whose idea do you think this was?!
[08:43] Chibi
    You didn't even do anything!
[08:45] Hata
    Mine!
[08:55] Three
    Yeah!
[08:56] Kid
    Who do you think you're messing with?!
[09:01] Jyu
    Damn it! They tricked me!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Valentine's Day"
SIGN    February
[10:40] Girl
    Did you make reservations for today?
[10:42] Girl2
    Yeah. This place is super popular,
    so it wasn't easy.
[10:46] Girl
    Thanks for doing that.
[10:51] Oso
    It's finally here... Valentine's Day.
[10:55] Oso
    Well, it's not like I want
    chocolate that bad, anyway.
[10:59] Oso
    Right, Choromatsu?
[11:01] Choro
    Of course I don't want any.
    We're adults now.
[11:04] Choro
    It's not like I'd get all excited about
    chocolate, nor do I like it that much.
SIGN    A lifestyle magazine for guys who want to graduate someday
SIGN    Collector's Issue
SIGN    Complete list of jackets to make you popular
SIGN    Just before Valentine's Day Special!!
[11:09] Choro
    I mean, we can just buy
    some chocolate anytime.
[11:13] Jyu
    Well said!
[11:14] Ichi
    Wow, you're so calm.
[11:16] Kara
    Don't make me fall for you, brother!
[11:21] Oso
    We don't need chocolate at our age, anyway.
[11:24] All
    Nope, we don't.
[11:26] Oso
    We don't want any, right?
[11:27] All
    Nope!
[11:31] Ichi
    So, what about you, Todomatsu?
[11:32] Todo
    Hmm?
[11:33] Ichi
    You haven't said a word.
    Do you want chocolate?
[11:38] Todo
    Of course I want some.
SIGN    News on How to Be Popular
    You'll definitely be popular if you read this!
    How to definitely get 5 Valentine's chocolates
[11:40] Todo
    True, I don't get excited about chocolate,
    nor do I like it that much...
SIGN    You definitely want to get chocolates from girls on Valentine's Day, but the reality is it's hard for loser guys to get any chocolate.
[11:46] Todo
    And I can buy it whenever I want.
[11:48] Todo
    But who doesn't want to get chocolates
    from a cute girl on Valentine's Day?
[11:56] Todo
    H-Huh... What?
[11:58] Oso
    Just say that you don't want any chocolate.
[12:01] Todo
    Huh? What do you mean?
[12:03] Oso
    I'm saying...
[12:05] Oso
    We were all just saying how
    we don't want any chocolate
[12:08] Oso
    to avoid thinking about the cruel reality.
[12:10] Oso
    This is like group self-defense.
[12:12] Todo
    What are you talking about?
[12:13] Todo
    Wait, then don't you guys want
    chocolates on Valentine's Day?
[12:17] Five
    Of course we do!
[12:18] Kara
    Totty! We want some so bad,
    we'd be willing to die for it!
[12:21] Kara
    That's why we're like this!
SIGN    Choromatsu Choco
[12:22] Choro
    I even want to change my name
    from Choromatsu to Chocomatsu!
[12:25] Jyu
    Chocomatsu!
[12:26] Todo
    Huh?
[12:27] Sign
    Today's question:
    How do you get
    Valentine's Day chocolates?
SIGN    Third issue:
    We ask our graduated
    senpai Shouei!
SIGN    "Now's the time to let it all out."
[12:28] Oso
    All right, that's it.
[12:30] Oso
    We'll never get any chocolates this way.
[12:34] Oso
    So I'm... going to go outside.
[12:37] All
    Go outside?!
[12:37] Oso
    I'm going to go outside and get
    some chocolate from some girl.
[12:41] Oso
    I'm definitely going to get some this year!
[12:46] Todo
    Me, too!
[12:47] Todo
    I'm going to go outside, too,
    and get some chocolates!
[12:50] Choro
    I'll go outside, too.
[12:51] Jyushi
    Me, too!
[12:52] Kara
    And me!
[12:54] Oso
    Ichimatsu.
[12:57] Ichi
    All right.
[12:58] Ichi
    Let's go out this Valentine's Day.
[13:03] Kara
    How about that? We're definitely
    different this year!
[13:07] Oso
    All right. Let's see who can
    get some chocolates first!
[13:11] Oso
    Go!
[13:12] Todo
    Wait, Osomatsu-niisan!
[13:15] Ichi
    No fair getting a head start.
[13:17] Jyu
    I'm not gonna lose!
[13:19] Kara
    I'm gonna get some chocolates!
[13:20] Choro
    Let's give it our all!
[13:28] All
    I'm definitely not going to lose!
[13:40] Guy
    Really?
[13:57] Choro
    We went outside...
[13:59] Choro
    But how are we supposed to get chocolates?
[14:04] All
    Oh, yeah!
[14:06] All
    Please! Give us some chocolates!
[14:08] Toto
    Please! I can't!
[14:10] All
    Please! Give us some chocolates!
[14:12] Toto
    I can't!
[14:13] All
    Chocolates!
[14:14] Toto
    Can't!
[14:15] All
    Chocolates!
[14:15] Toto
    Get a clue!
[14:16] All
    Chocolates!
[14:16] Toto
    Get a clue!
[14:18] All
    Chocolates!
[14:19] Toto
    Go home, you dumbasses!
[14:21] All
    Chocolates!
SIGN    Uochuu
SIGN    Valentine's Specials
[14:36] Oso
    M-Mom... C-Could you...
[14:40] Kara
    I-It's all over if we rely on Mother...
[14:52] Girl
    This is cute!
[14:53] Girl
    Yeah, it is!
[14:58] Girl
    This is homemade, so I don't
    know how good it is, but...
[15:02] Jyu
    Bring it on! Bring it on!
SIGN    Aida
SIGN    Sutabaa Coffee
SIGN    Sachiko
SIGN    Sutabaa Coffee
SIGN    Sutabaa Coffee
SIGN    Chocolate Wanted
SIGN    You can't have my cat
SIGN    Chocolate desired
SIGN    Chocolate
    wanted
[15:40] Oso
    Guys, how'd it go? Did you get any?
[15:51] Kara
    Damn it!
[15:53] Todo
    Damn it all!
[15:55] Oso
    I didn't get any again this year!
[15:57] Jyu
    Am I a monk or what?!
[15:58] Kara
    I seriously don't understand... I'm so cool.
[16:01] Choro
    All the girls in this world are stupid!
[16:04] Ichi
    Why did we even have any hope?
[16:07] Ichi
    Punishment!
[16:10] Jyu
    Ch-Chocolate... I want chocolate... Chocolate...
[16:15] Jyu
    Chocolate... chocolate...
[16:15] Todo
    Jyushimatsu-niisan?
[16:16] Todo
    That's not chocolate! That's dog shit!
[16:18] Jyush
    Chocolate! Chocolate... Chocolate!
[16:20] Todo
    That's dog shit! It's dog shit!
[16:28] Oso
    I'm... not giving up yet.
[16:31] Oso
    I'm definitely going to get
    some chocolate this year.
[17:07] Six
    So cute!
[17:09] ---
    It is cute.
[17:12] Six
    We did it!
[17:15] Six
    Yeah!
[17:17] Six
    It's done!
[17:18] Jyu
    Huge success!
[17:26] Kara
    Choromatsu.
[17:28] Kara
    Today's Valentine's Day.
[17:31] Kara
    Here.
[17:32] Choro
    What? For me?
[17:34] Kara
    Yeah.
[17:35] Kara
    I'm so much more confident because I have
    an uncool younger brother like you.
[17:42] Kara
    Thanks for everything.
[17:45] Choro
    You didn't have to.
[17:46] Jyushi
    Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!
[17:48] Ichi
    Jyushimatsu.
[17:50] Ichi
    Here.
[17:51] Jyu
    What?! For me?!
[17:53] Ichi
    In our daily boring, uneventful lives as NEETS,
[17:57] Ichi
    it's refreshing to have a
    psypath like you around.
[18:00] Ichi*
    Thanks for everything.
[18:02] Jyu
    You didn't have to.
[18:05] Oso
    Ichimatsu.
[18:08] Ichi
    For a guy like me?!
[18:09] Oso
    I'm pretty sure you'll never end up happier
    than me in life, which puts me at ease.
[18:16] Oso
    Thanks.
[18:19] Ichi
    Thanks...
[18:20] Jyu
    Karamatsu-niisan.
[18:22] Kara
    Wow, wow, wow!
[18:24] Jyu
    I'm really stupid,
[18:25] Jyu
    but I'm pretty sure you're a
    hundred times dumber than me!
[18:30] Jyu
    Thanks!
[18:31] Kara
    Oh, stop it.
[18:33] Choro
    Hey, you, Trashmatsu.
[18:36] Oso
    Finally!
[18:38] Choro
    When are you going to die?
    I'm waiting, you know.
[18:40] Oso
    You're too kind.
[18:42] Todo
    Hey, Totty!
[18:44] Todo
    What is it, Totty?
[18:46] Todo
    Here.
[18:47] Todo
    What? For me?!
[18:49] Todo
    Thank you for always being so cute.
[18:51] Todo
    You're so honest! Everyone loves you!
[18:54] Todo
    I love you.
[18:55] Todo
    I love you, too.
[18:58] Oso
    Well, let's dig in!
[19:00] All
    Let's dig in!
[19:04] Choro
    So good!
[19:06] Jyu
    Yum!
[19:07] Todo
    I'm in heaven!
[19:10] Oso
    This is the best!
[19:12] Oso
    Man, thank goodness! We actually
    got chocolates this year.
[19:17] All
    Yeah!
[19:18] Oso
    We're so popular!
[19:19] Five
    Yeah!
[19:20] Todo
    Thank goodness!
[19:29] Todo
    Thanks!
[19:31] Choro
    I'm finally Chocomatsu!
[19:32] Jyu
    So sweet!
[19:34] Ichi
    It is.
[19:37] Six
    So sweet!
[19:38] Six
    This is the best!
[19:47] Oso
    You're gross!
[19:49] Choro
    You're super gross!
[19:50] Todo
    This is too tragic!
[19:51] Ichi
    Don't look down on me, you bastard!
[19:53] Jyu
    Like you can talk!
[19:55] Kara
    Like you can talk!
[19:55] Jyu
    Boeh!
[20:16] Jyu
    Are there any guys with chocolate here?
[20:19] Five
    Anyone?
[20:21] Person
    They're currently 40% off...
[20:23] Jyu
    Are there any guys selling chocolate?
[20:26] Five
    Anyone?
[20:28] Jyu
    Are there any guys that'll
    sell us chocolate?
[20:31] Five
    Are there?
SIGN    Cote d'Ivoire
[20:48] Jyu
    Kill the cacao!
[20:50] Five
    Kill it!
[20:52] All
    Kill them all!
[20:54] Oso
    Die, cacao!
[20:56] Kara
    Die, cacao!
[20:57] Choro
    Take that!
[21:01] Todo
    Chocolate should just
    disappear from this world!
[21:04] Jyu
    Die, cacao!
[21:06] Five
    Die, cacao!
[21:08] Jyu
    Die!
[21:08] Five
    Die!
[21:10] Six
    Die, die, die!
SIGN    End
[22:45] Choro
    We ended up with extra time again.
    What the heck?
[22:50] Choro
    Well, let's do this.
[22:52] Choro
    Wait, it's these two?
[22:54] Toto
    Totoko...
[22:55] Nya
    ...and Nyaa's...
[22:56] Both
    ...delivery skit!
[22:57] Both
    The Story of Snow White That
    Doesn't Actually Get Anywhere.
SIGN    Delivery Skit
    The Story of Snow White
    That Doesn't Actually Get Anywhere
[23:04] Toto
    Now, I'm going to ask this
    mirror some stupid questions!
[23:09] Toto
    Mirror, mirror on the wall,
    who's the cutest of them all?
[23:14] Nya
    That'd be Snow White.
[23:16] Toto
    Huh?
[23:17] Nya
    Snow White. Not you.
[23:19] Toto
    Huh?! You've got some guts!
[23:21] Toto
    You better watch that mouth!
    Who the hell's the cutest girl in this world?!
[23:26] Nya
    I just told you, it's Snow White!
[23:28] Toto
    I just asked you who that is!
[23:29] Nya
    Snow White!
[23:30] Toto
    Who?!
[23:31] Nya
    Snow White!
[23:32] Toto
    Who?!
[23:33] Nya
    Snow White!
[23:34] Nya
    This story's never gonna get anywhere
    if you can't accept that!
[23:38] Toto
    Like I care, you dumbass!
[23:40] Choro
    Wait, wait, wait, wait...
[23:41] Choro
    Totoko-chan!
[23:43] Choro
    Nyaa-chan!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next Time on Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    "Tidbits Collection 2"