E5 - The Karamatsu Incident / ESP Kitty

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    The Karamatsu Incident
SIGN    Hybrid Oden
[01:35] Oso
    I'm full.
[01:36] Chibi
    You drank too much, you idjit.
[01:38] Chibi
    You guys better have money
    to pay for all this.
[01:41] Choro
    We do.
[01:41] Ichi
    We don't.
[01:42] Chibi
    One of you said you don't, you idjits!
[01:44] Chibi
    Damn it... Always putting
    everything on your tab.
[01:48] Chibi
    You spent quite a bit again today, y'know.
[01:50] Chibi
    Go home already.
[01:52] Jyu
    Yum! More oden, please!
[01:55] Chibi
    Take your time, idjit.
[02:06] Choro
    We fell asleep.
[02:07] Choro
    Come on, guys. Let's head home.
[02:12] Choro
    How much is it, Chibita?
[02:16] Choro
    Oh?
[02:17] Todo
    Thanks for the meal, Osomatsu-niisan.
[02:19] Oso
    Why is it me?
[02:20] Oso
    We're splitting this evenly!
SIGN    Hybrid Oden Cards Accepted
[02:27] Oso
    Sorry, Chibita! Put it on our tab!
[02:43] Chibi
    Hey, hold it right there!
[02:45] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjits! Damn it!
[02:46] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjits! Damn it!
[02:47] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjits! Damn it!
[02:53] Chibi
    You'll regret this, damn you!
[03:07] Kara
    Huh?!
[03:12] Chibi
    I see you're awake, idjit.
SIGN    Pay Your Tab!!
[03:18] Chibi
    Soon it'll be high tide, and you'll be finished.
[03:25] Chibi
    You're my hostage, you idjit.
[03:27] Chibi
    You guys are gonna pay off
    your tab with your ransom.
[03:32] Kara
    Y-You're kidding, right, Chibita?
[03:35] Chibi
    I'm dead serious, you idjit!
[03:37] Kara
    Y-You really think you're
    gonna get away with—
[03:40] Chibi
    Take that!
[03:41] Kara
    That's hot!
[03:42] Chibi
    Take that!
[03:43] ---
    Hot!
[03:43] ---
    Take that!
[03:44] Kara
    Hot!
[03:45] Chibi
    Take that!
[03:45] Kara
    Hot!
[03:49] Kara
    That's good.
[03:50] Kara
    Hot!
[03:51] Kara
    Hot, hot, hot!
[03:57] Oso
    So noisy... What time do you think it is?
[04:00] Oso
    It's only ten in the morning.
[04:03] Oso
    Yeah?
[04:04] Chibi
    Listen up. I kidnapped
    your brother, Karamatsu.
[04:08] Chibi
    If you want him back—
[04:09] Oso
    You've got the wrong number.
[04:15] Oso
    I'm going back to bed.
[04:19] Jyu
    Hup, hup, hup, hup, hi-yah!
[04:23] Jyu
    Yes, this is Jyushimatsu.
[04:25] Choro
    Who answers the phone like that?
[04:26] Jyu
    What?! Karamatsu-niisan's...
[04:29] Jyu
    A youkai?!
[04:30] Jyu
    What does that mean?!
[04:32] Choro
    What?
[04:33] Jyu
    Apparently Karamatsu-niisan's
    been turned into a youkai.
[04:36] Choro
    Huh?
[04:37] Chibi
    That's "kidnapped (yuukai)," you idjit!
[04:39] Jyu
    One more time, please.
[04:44] Jyu
    Roger that.
[04:45] Jyu
    Karamatsu-niisan is gonna die from
    an enema in the ocean, apparently.
[04:48] Choro
    Why is he getting an enema in the ocean?
[04:51] Choro
    And how would someone die
    from an enema (kanchou)?
[04:53] Chibi
    High tide (manchou)!
[04:55] Choro
    Hand it over. Hello?
[04:57] Choro
    Is it true that our brother turned into a youkai
    and will die from an enema in the ocean?
[05:02] Choro
    That's not right at all?
[05:04] Choro
    Oh, thank goodness.
[05:06] Choro
    Huh? Yes.
[05:09] Choro
    What?!
[05:09] Jyu
    Huh?
[05:13] Choro
    We're in trouble! Karamatsu's been kidnapped!
[05:16] Choro
    What should we do?!
[05:17] Oso/Todo
    Oh, no. What to do?
[05:18] Choro
    Come on! Be a little worried!
    Why are you so relaxed?
[05:21] Choro
    Our brother's life is in danger!
[05:23] Choro
    If we don't do something,
    Karamatsu might die!
[05:25] Ichi
    Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no...
[05:28] Choro
    Stop dancing, Ichimatsu. Don't celebrate
    your brother's disappearance.
[05:31] Oso
    Even if he was kidnapped,
    we don't have any money.
[05:34] Oso
    I'm sure there's a ransom, right?
[05:36] Choro
    One million, he said.
[05:37] Oso
    So expensive!
[05:38] Todo
    One million to get Karamatsu-niisan back?
[05:41] Ichi
    Who's Karamatsu?
[05:42] Choro
    Are you all demons?
[05:44] Choro
    That's not that expensive for a ransom!
[05:46] Todo
    You pay it, Osomatsu-niisan.
[05:48] Oso
    What? Why me?
[05:50] Todo
    You won at the horse races
    the other day, didn't you?
[05:53] Todo
    Did you think I didn't know?
[05:54] Oso
    How do you know that?
[05:56] Todo
    What?! You really did win?
[05:58] Oso
    Hey! You tricked me!
[06:00] Todo
    Aren't I good? All the horsing around pays off!
[06:04] Choro
    Hey! Stop trying to lighten the
    mood with your stupid conversation
[06:05] Oso
    "Horsing around!" Good one!
[06:08] Choro
    and think of a way to get that money!
[06:10] Oso
    Oh, by the way, Ichimatsu.
[06:12] Ichi
    Huh?
[06:12] Oso
    I lent you some money
    the other day, didn't I?
[06:15] Oso
    Use that to pay the ransom.
[06:16] Ichi
    Huh? B-But I've got money out on
    loan to Jyushimatsu right now.
[06:21] Jyu
    I've got some out on loan to Todomatsu.
[06:23] Todo
    And mine's out on loan to Karamatsu-niisan.
[06:26] Oso
    Then we just need to have
    Karamatsu pay the ransom.
[06:29] Choro
    What the hell?! He's the
    one who's been kidnapped!
[06:32] Todo
    There's nothing we can do about the
    money. Let's talk to Mom about it.
[06:36] Choro
    Mom! Perfect timing!
[06:38] Choro
    We were just—
[06:38] Mom
    Hello, my NEETs.
[06:40] Mom
    I peeled some pears for you.
[06:42] All
    Wow, pears!
[06:46] Mom
    Our neighbors gave them to us. Eat up!
[06:49] All
    Yay!
[06:52] One
    So good!
SIGN    Pay Your Tab!!
SIGN    Pub
[07:19] Chibi
    O-Order whatever you'd like.
[07:22] Chibi
    Th-The sashimi here is great!
[07:26] Chibi
    Want to get a sashimi boat?
[07:31] Chibi
    Y-You know, they probably thought it was
    a prank, and not an actual kidnapping.
[07:37] Chibi
    Th-That's probably why they
    didn't come to save you...
[07:40] Chibi
    Man, I totally messed up.
[07:42] Chibi
    I'm really a lousy actor.
[07:55] Chibi
    What do you want to do? Want to go home?
[08:00] Chibi
    I guess you probably can't, huh?
[08:02] Chibi
    It'd be awkward, huh?
[08:05] Chibi
    But seriously, the sashimi's
    good. Aren't you hungry?
[08:12] Chibi
    Damn it! Say something, you idjit!
[08:14] Chibi
    It's awkward for me, too!
[08:16] Chibi
    How was I supposed to know that,
    when I kidnapped you,
[08:18] Chibi
    your family wouldn't care at all?
[08:26] Chibi
    I'm sorry! Seriously, I'm so sorry!
[08:29] Kara
    I lost to pears!
[08:31] Chibi
    Don't let it get to you!
[08:32] Chibi
    No one can win over the lure
    of having pears at home!
[08:36] Chibi
    Karamatsu, this just means
    you've gotta get revenge.
[08:39] Chibi
    We're gonna teach those idiots a lesson!
[08:42] Chibi
    We'll show them just how lonely
    it'd be if one of you from
[08:45] Chibi
    the ultimate group of siblings
    actually disappeared.
[08:47] Kara
    Chibita...
[08:56] Kara
    Hey! You didn't say anything about this!
[08:58] Kara
    Chibita, stop! Let me down!
[09:01] Kara
    Hey! Listen to me!
[09:02] Chibi
    Hey, you stupid brothers!
[09:04] Chibi
    Do you really not care what happens
    to Karamatsu? He's gonna die!
[09:08] Kara
    I'm gonna die!
[09:10] Chibi
    If you really love him,
    then come save him, you idjits!
[09:14] Kara
    Are you stupid?! You idiot!
[09:15] Kara
    Let me down, you shrimp!
[09:16] Kara
    Baldy! Die, you dumbass!
[09:19] Chibi
    Oh, look! There they are!
[09:21] Chibi
    Now defeat me and come save him, damn it!
[09:25] Chibi
    Come at me!
SIGN    The End
SIGN    Karamatsu
[09:58] Sign
    Osomatsu-san
SIGN    "ESP Kitty"
[10:05] Jyu
    Beg your pardon! Beg your pardon!
[10:08] Ichi
    In this day and age?
[10:09] Jyu
    Beg your pardon!
[10:11] Deka
    Hello. Who might you be?
[10:13] Jyu
    I'm Jyushimatsu. Hello, Professor Dekapan.
[10:16] Deka
    Well, hello.
[10:23] Ichi
    Hi.
[10:24] Deka
    Hello.
[10:26] Jyu
    Discussion! There's something
    we'd like to discuss with you!
[10:28] Deka
    Oh?
[10:31] Deka
    A medicine that would let you speak to cats?
[10:34] Jyu
    Yeah. You got one?
[10:36] Deka
    Sadly, no...
[10:38] Jyu
    I see.
[10:42] Deka
    And why would you need something like that?
[10:45] Jyu
    My brother here, Ichimatsu-niisan,
    doesn't have any friends.
[10:49] Ichi
    It's not that I don't have any.
    I just don't make any.
[10:52] Jyu
    So I thought it'd be nice if
    he could talk to that cat.
[10:56] Ichi
    Meddlesome idiot.
[10:58] Ichi
    You can't even talk to
    people properly yourself.
[11:01] Jyu
    You're one to talk.
[11:03] Deka
    Come to think of it, I've got just the thing!
[11:06] Deka
    Hmm, this is karintou... Ah...
[11:08] Jyu
    Did you find it, Professor?
[11:10] Deka
    That's odd...
[11:12] Deka
    I could've sworn it was around here...
[11:13] Deka
    Oh, I remember now!
[11:16] Deka
    This is it.
[11:17] Both
    It reeks!
[11:18] Deka
    It's called Feelings Medicine.
[11:21] Jyu
    Feel-good medicine?
[11:22] Deka
    Feelings Medicine!
    Stop with the risqué phrasing.
[11:25] Jyu
    What's it do?
[11:26] Deka
    You'll be able to tell how the other person
    is really feeling at the moment.
[11:31] Deka
    You'll be able to understand
    what that kitty's feeling, too.
[11:34] Jyu
    Sounds good! You should get
    some, Ichimatsu-niisan!
[11:38] Ichi
    And I told you to stop meddl—
    Ack! What are you doing?!
[11:42] Deka
    What is it?
[11:44] Deka
    What do you want to do? I want
    to know how you really feel.
[11:48] Ichi
    I-It's no— Ack! I said don't!
[11:52] Jyu
    Ichimatsu-niisan.
[11:56] Ichi
    M-Maybe I do wanna know...
[12:00] Ichi
    What he's really feeling.
[12:03] Deka
    All right, then. Stick out your bum.
[12:05] Ichi
    Huh? Why my ass?
[12:06] Deka
    Well, because this medicine...
[12:09] Deka
    is administered via injection.
[12:15] Ichi
    Let go of me! I'm going
    to kill you, Jyushimatsu!
[12:17] Jyu
    I've never heard you yell
    so loud, Ichimatsu-niisan.
[12:21] Ichi
    You're scaring me! How can
    you sound so unconcerned?!
[12:24] Deka
    All right, here we go.
[12:25] Ichi
    I can't do this!
[12:26] Deka
    Come on, now. You're an adult.
[12:28] Ich
    That's got nothing to do with this!
    Shots are hell, no matter how old you are!
[12:30] Deka
    This will hurt, so relax your muscles.
[12:32] Ichi
    No!
[12:42] Deka
    Oh, my.
[12:44] Ichi
    Huh?
[12:48] All
    What?!
[12:49] All
    A cat that can understand human feelings?!
[12:53] Todo
    So he can tell if you're lying?
[12:55] Dekka
    That is correct.
[12:56] Dekka
    No matter how much you try to cover
    it up, it's futile in the face of this kitty.
[13:01] Deka
    Also, it seems like there was a side effect,
    so he can now speak human language.
[13:06] Oso
    What? He can speak?!
[13:07] Deka
    Try it out.
[13:09] Todo
    Osomatsu-niisan.
[13:10] Oso
    Me?
[13:15] Oso
    Choromatsu is stylish.
[13:18] Cat
    Choromatsu is super lame.
[13:20] Oso
    That's amazing! He saw right through me!
[13:22] Choro
    Forget him seeing right through you!
    Is that what you really think?!
[13:25] Todo
    Choromatsu is funny.
[13:27] Cat
    Choromatsu is super boring.
[13:28] Choro
    Hey...
[13:29] Oso
    Choromatsu is smart.
[13:31] Cat
    Choromatsu is super dumb.
[13:32] Todo
    Choromatsu is popular.
[13:34] Cat
    Choromatsu is a stupid virgin.
[13:36] Todo
    That's awesome! Perfect!
[13:39] Choro
    Bullying? Is this bullying?
[13:41] Oso
    You're incredible!
[13:43] Oso
    You're an ESP kitty!
[13:46] Todo
    But I'm worried...
[13:49] Todo
    Someone could use him for evil.
[13:50] Todo
    Let's keep him here.
[13:52] Cat
    This cat's gonna be worth some money.
[13:54] Todo
    Th-There'd be trouble if the
    press found out about him.
[13:57] Cat
    There's always the circus.
[13:59] Todo
    We have to take good care of
    Ichimatsu-niisan's good friend.
[14:02] Cat
    Get rich quick!
[14:04] Choro
    You dried-up monster... Everything
    you thought just came out.
[14:08] Oso
    So I guess no one can lie in front of him.
[14:12] Oso
    I've got a great idea!
[14:14] Oso
    Let's take this cat to Totoko-chan.
[14:16] Choro
    Why?
[14:18] Oso
    We'll ask her which of us she likes the most.
[14:20] Oso
    And then...
[14:22] Choro
    We'll be able to find out
    how she really feels!
[14:24] Todo
    Good idea!
[14:27] Oso
    Actually, let's not.
[14:28] Choro
    Yeah, let's not.
[14:30] Todo
    She might have someone else she likes...
[14:31] Oso
    That was close...
[14:33] Choro
    We would've crashed and burned.
[14:34] Todo
    That vagueness will keep us sane.
[14:38] Jyu
    Hey.
[14:39] Jyu
    Why don't you talk to him?
[14:44] Ichi
    I'll pass.
[14:45] Jyu
    Why? It's fun.
[14:47] Ichi
    No thanks. I'm not interested.
[14:50] Jyu
    Here.
[14:50] Ichi
    Hey! Stop meddling—
[14:55] Oso
    He's being as cold as ever. I thought
    at least the cat was his friend.
[15:00] Todo
    Nah, Ichimatsu-niisan doesn't
    know what friendship is.
[15:05] Ichi
    Well, yeah. You don't need that to live.
[15:09] Ichi
    I honestly don't know how you guys
    adjust to others the way you do.
[15:12] Ichi
    Friends? Comrades?
[15:15] Ichi
    I'll never need either of those.
[15:18] Cat
    I don't really feel that way, though.
[15:22] Choro
    Huh? Who just said that?
[15:26] Todo
    The cat.
[15:27] Choro
    Which means that what Ichimatsu
    just said is how he really feels...
[15:32] Oso
    What? This cat can see how
    people really feel, you know.
[15:36] Oso
    You act like a loner, but you
    actually want friends, don't you?
[15:39] Ichi
    Th-That's not true... I don't want any.
[15:42] Cat
    I do.
[15:44] Ichi
    I told you I don't!
[15:47] Ichi
    Why should I go through the effort
    to have something like that?
[15:51] Cat
    Why can't I make any friends?
[15:56] Ichi
    W-Well, no one's really worth it.
[16:00] Cat
    Well, actually, I'm not really worth that.
[16:04] Ichi
    It's useless to try to get closer to others.
[16:08] Cat
    I'm actually scared to get closer to others.
[16:12] Ichi
    It's a waste of effort.
[16:13] Cat
    I'm not confident in myself.
[16:15] Ichi
    Those guys would all betray me
    without a second thought.
[16:18] Cat
    I might not be able to live
    up to their expectations.
[16:20] Ichi
    Actually, who ever heard of
    having a cat as a friend?
[16:24] Cat
    Actually, it's easier to have a cat as a friend.
[16:26] Ichi
    They don't understand what you say.
[16:28] Cat
    That's why I won't get hurt.
[16:29] Ichi
    Ugh, this is stupid!
[16:31] Cat
    Ugh, I'm so lonely.
[16:32] Ichi
    I really don't need any friends!
[16:34] Cat
    I really don't need any friends...
[16:37] Cat
    Because I have all of you guys.
[16:43] Ichi
    Shut up! You think you can
    act like you know me?!
[16:46] Choro
    No, Ichimatsu. The cat's just
    saying how you really feel...
[16:50] Ichi
    You're annoying me! Get lost!
[16:54] Cat
    You're annoying me. Get lost.
[17:02] Choro
    Ichimatsu... You...
[17:13] Iyami
    This is Iyami!
[17:15] Iyami
    You should all believe in me and vote for me!
SIGN    The Con Party Iyami
[17:19] Iyami
    If I'm elected, all of your problems will be solved.
[17:22] Cat
    Actually, I just want to use my title
    and money to have babes fawn over me.
[17:27] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[17:30] Iyamim
    Welcome!
[17:32] Iyami
    Our products are good for you, good for
    the environment, and completely organic.
[17:38] Cat
    Though I have no idea what "organic" means.
[17:41] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[17:44] Iyami
    I-I love you...
[17:46] Cat
    At least until you let me do you.
[17:47] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[17:51] Cat
    This would look perfect on you.
[17:54] Cat
    You guys have no future.
[17:57] Cat
    I'm amazed you actually believe me.
[18:00] Iyami
    You keep blabbing unnecessary things!
[18:03] Iyami
    Come back here!
[18:16] Cat
    I'm actually scared to get closer to people.
[18:19] Cat
    I'm not confident in myself.
[18:21] Cat
    Ugh, I'm so lonely.
[18:25] Ichi
    Pain in the ass.
[19:08] Oso
    Meow!
[19:10] Oso
    Meow!
[19:11] Choro
    Stop that, Osomatsu-niisan.
[19:14] Oso
    Can't find him anywhere.
    Maybe he ran off somewhere far away,
[19:18] Oso
    because someone said something
    really mean to him.
[19:21] Choro
    Hey.
[19:26] Todo
    Should we let Chibita know, too?
    You never know where he'll turn up.
[19:31] Oso
    What do you want to do, Ichimatsu?
[19:34] Ichi
    It's fine.
[19:35] Todo
    Ichimatsu-niisan...
[19:37] Ichi
    It's not like I was his owner.
[19:40] Ichi
    It doesn't matter if he dies.
[19:41] Choro
    Now, look...
[19:44] Oso
    If you say you don't care, we won't look for him.
[19:48] Oso
    Are you sure that's what you want?
[19:50] Ichi
    Yeah...
[19:51] Oso
    Okay. Let's go home, then.
[19:58] Oso
    Hey, we're going home.
[20:08] Oso
    Oh?
[20:26] Ichi
    What? What the heck?!
[20:34] Cat
    I'm sorry.
[20:46] Ichi
    I'm sorry, too.
[20:50] Cat
    I'm sorry, too.
[21:07] Oso
    What the heck? Where were you?
[21:10] Oso
    And why are you so dirty? Whoa, you stink!
[21:13] Oso
    You smell like an old guy's behind!
[21:14] Choro
    Uh, I can't say I've ever
    smelled an old guy's behind.
[21:18] Todo
    Man, I didn't know what we were
    going to do when you disappeared.
[21:21] Todo
    Thank goodness you came back.
[21:23] Oso
    Nice job, Jyushimatsu!
    We'll treat you to a public bath...
[21:25] Oso
    Choromatsu will, that is.
[21:27] Choro
    Why me?!
[21:32] Todo
    Huh? Are you crying, Ichimatsu-niisan?
[21:34] Ichi
    I'm not.
[21:35] Todo
    Are you actually crying?!
[21:36] Ichi
    There's no way I'd cry.
[21:45] Kara
    They're treating him completely differently!
SIGN    Next Time on Osomatsu-san
[23:22] Iyami
    This is Iyami!
[23:24] Iyami
    To all of you who thought it was Todomatsu's
    turn to do this week's preview...
[23:29] Iyami
    Well done. You can go take
    a dump and go to bed now.
[23:32] Iyami
    You've got hair coming out of your
    nose. You stink behind the ears.
[23:36] Iyami
    And... next week is what
    you've all been waiting for!
[23:39] Iyami
    It's an episode all about me!
[23:41] Iyami
    I'm sure you all have nothing
    better to do, so check it out!
SIGN    "It's a Birthday Party, Dajo" "Iyami's Great Discovery"
[23:44] Iyami
    Sheeeh!