E3.5 - Virgin Heroes

Source: Crunchyroll
Translator:
Editor:
Timer:
QC:
(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    Please place this episode somewhere between
    episodes 4 and 5 and view it with an open mind!
[02:00] Nar
    For the sextuplets of the Akatsuka Fujio Group,
[02:02] Nar
    F6, mornings start cool and early.
[02:12] Oso
    Today's finally the day.
[02:14] Nar
    Their iron-clad leader,
[02:16] Nar
    "Refreshing Justice," Matsuno Osomatsu.
[02:27] Nar
    The youngest with miraculous looks,
    the cutie fairy, Matsuno Todomatsu.
[02:32] Ichi
    I'm heading out, Todo.
[02:33] Todo
    'Kay.
[02:38] Kara
    Hey.
[02:40] Nar
    Nailing any prey he's after in a single shot,
    the carnivorous piece of meat,
[02:44] Nar
    Matsuno Karamatsu.
[02:50] Jyu
    Are you just having coffee
    for breakfast again, Choro?
[02:54] Nar
    The prince that slays ten thousand,
    the sweet prince, Matsuno Jyushimatsu.
[03:01] Choro
    This bitterness clears my brain.
[03:06] Nar
    An associate professor at Harvard
    University, the beautiful genius,
[03:09] Nar
    Matsuno Choromatsu.
[03:14] Ichi
    All right, let's go...
[03:16] Ichi
    To the stage known as today.
[03:18] Nar
    The charismatic centripetal force,
    the mysteriously cool Matsuno Ichimatsu.
[03:27] Oso
    Guys, I'm sure you're aware...
[03:31] Kara
    This will be the test of all that we are.
[03:33] Choro
    I won't go easy on you guys.
[03:35] Ichi
    Of course.
[03:37] Jyu
    Let's go all-out!
[03:39] Todo
    I'm ready!
[03:42] Oso
    Ready...
[03:44] Oso
    Go!
[03:54] Kara
    The wind is crying.
[04:02] Jyu
    The ocean lets me be honest.
SIGN    Cat Stories
[04:16] Ichi
    What's wrong?
[04:19] Ichi
    The world isn't so bad.
[04:29] Oso
    What's the matter?
[04:32] Oso
    Honey, look up.
[04:38] Todo
    I can feel it! My soul is trembling!
[04:48] Choro
    Is this... the truth?
[05:09] Kara
    Choro!
[05:10] Choro
    Kara!
[05:19] Oso
    I'll make you dance with these lead kisses.
[05:31] Todo
    I'll give you a taste of heaven.
[05:39] Choro
    So the IMF wants to challenge my brain?
[05:49] Toto
    Huh?
[05:49] Oso
    It's from the gentleman over there.
[05:54] Toto
    You idiot!
[06:01] Ichi
    Are you satisfied?
[06:04] Ju
    Totokiku, it's about time.
[06:06] Toto
    Right.
[06:14] Todo
    Smooch.
[06:44] Oso
    Hup!
[06:54] Oso
    We've heard your voices!
[07:00] Kara
    But this isn't all there is to the bond
    you all share with me, is it?!
[07:04] Choro
    More power! More love!
[07:07] Ichi
    You don't need to hold back!
[07:09] Jyu
    All right! Who's going to be the
    King of Hot Guys, the Top Men?
[07:12] Todo
    Put your hearts into your voices! Tell me!
SIGN    Osomatsu-kun!!
[07:17] Oso
    Osomatsu Academy, F6:
[07:20] Oso
    The Top Men popularity contest!
[07:22] Oso
    The announcement of the winner is drawing near!
[07:26] Oso
    All right, are you ready?
[07:40] Oso
    Come here,
[07:42] Oso
    my little kitten.
[07:44] Kara
    Don't show your tears
[07:45] Kara
    to anyone but me.
[07:48] Choro
    I recently realized that I...
[07:51] Choro
    I'm no good without you.
[07:54] Ichi
    There's nothing I can do.
[07:56] Ichi
    I love you much more
[07:58] Ichi
    than you love yourself.
[07:59] Jyu
    These are my feelings for you right now!
[08:02] Jyu
    Love you!
[08:03] Todo
    Hey... I know a café where we can
    drink some delicious Earl Grey.
[08:07] Todo
    Wanna come with me?
[08:11] Ann
    And now,
[08:13] Ann
    please cast your votes!
[08:24] Oso
    As you can see, I'm quite used
    to being this hot by now,
[08:28] Oso
    but before, I was troubled by
    my role as a gag character.
SIGN    Matsujiru
[08:32] Oso
    That's when someone recommended
    Akatsuka Seal Matsujiru to me.
[08:37] Oso
    Drinking Matsujiru every day
[08:38] Oso
    made me into a hot guy who isn't
    embarrassed to be seen anywhere.
SIGN    This Is His Own Personal Opinion
[08:42] Oso
    It's all because of Matsujiru!
[08:45] Oso
    They've taken all the calcium,
    vitamins, minerals, and enzymes,
[08:48] Oso
    and done something to something-or-other
    and ended up with something.
SIGN    Akatsuka Seal
    Matsujiru
[08:52] Oso
    Akatsuka Seal Matsujiru.
[08:54] Oso
    Order now, and you can get twelve
    servings for only 129,600 yen!
SIGN    129,600 Yen (Tax Included)
[08:59] Oso
    Don't you want to be a hot guy, too?
[09:01] Oso
    Call right now!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Osomatsu-san
SIGN    "Virgin Heroes"
[09:13] Choro
    I totally bought this, even though I'm broke.
[09:17] Choro
    But that doesn't matter.
[09:20] Choro
    I'm way too happy.
[09:26] Choro
    Wow, those are people
    who have true happiness.
[09:32] Choro
    I'll take a different way home.
[09:35] Oso
    Halt, young man! There's no reason
    to choose a different path!
[09:38] Choro
    Huh? What?
SIGN    O
[09:41] Oso
    I'll photobomb your selfie completely naked!
[09:44] Oso
    Cherry Osomatsu!
[09:46] Kara
    Even when dealing with grade-schoolers,
    I get nervous if they're girls.
SIGN    Ka
[09:49] Kara
    Cherry Karamatsu!
[09:50] Jyu
    Shibuya's scary!
SIGN    Jyu
[09:52] Jyu
    Cherry Jyushimatsu!
SIGN    Ichi
[09:56] Ichi
    I'll kill you.
[09:57] Ichi
    Cherry Ichimatsu.
[09:59] Todo
    Girugame, come back!
SIGN    To
[10:01] Todo
    Cherry Todomatsu!
[10:03] Oso
    We'll take all the world's happiness
[10:04] Oso
    and erase it!
[10:06] All
    The Virgin Vigilante Corps!
    Cherry Brothers!
SIGN    The Virgin Vigilante Corps
SIGN    Cherry Brothers
[10:12] Oso
    Young man, now that we're here...
[10:15] Oso
    Uh, hey!
[10:17] Oso
    Why are you running away?
    You called for help!
[10:19] Choro
    I didn't.
[10:20] Ichi
    You just want us to tear those
    college kids apart, right?
[10:23] Choro
    Please move.
[10:24] Todo
    You can't fool us! Your eyes...
    You're definitely one of us!
[10:28] Choro
    You're pissing me off.
[10:30] Choro
    What's with you people, anyway?
[10:32] Oso
    Huh? We're heroes.
[10:33] Choro
    What kind?
[10:34] Kara
    Allow me to explain.
[10:37] Kara
    Young man! This whole world is a caste system!
SIGN    Cherry Karamatsu's Easy-to-Understand
    Society Caste Lecture
SIGN    Awesome
SIGN    Not Awesome
[10:40] Kara
    Only a mere few are truly awesome.
[10:42] Kara
    People say that you need to
    work hard to get to the top.
[10:44] Kara
    However!
[10:45] Kara
    We believe that if you can work hard
    at all, you're already up here.
[10:49] Choro
    What kind of lesson is this?
[10:51] Kara
    And this is where we are.
[10:56] Kara
    The Dark Demon World's Shitty
    Hell of Darkness caste.
[10:59] Choro
    Just how low is that?!
[11:00] Kara
    Probably around here.
[11:01] Choro
    That's too low!
[11:02] Kara
    By the way, to get from here to up here,
    you need about three lifetimes.
[11:06] Choro
    About 200 years?! That's never gonna happen!
[11:08] Kara
    Yes. It's never going to happen!
[11:10] Kara
    So rather than climbing up,
[11:12] Kara
    we take slight pleasure in dragging
    those above us down a bit.
[11:16] Five
    That's the kind of heroes we are!
[11:17] Choro
    Uh, what kind of heroes?
    You're just a shady group!
[11:21] Todo
    There's trouble!
[11:22] Oso
    What's wrong?
[11:23] Todo
    The enemy has finally started their barbecue!
[11:26] Oso
    What?!
[11:31] Jyu
    My eyes! My eyes!
[11:32] Jyu
    It's too bright!
[11:34] Oso
    Cherry Jyushimatsu!
[11:40] Oso
    He's dead.
[11:41] Choro
    Why?! You die from looking at barbecues?!
[11:43] Choro
    What kind of logic is that?!
[11:45] Oso
    You idiot! Why did you look
    directly at that blissful sight?
[11:48] Kara
    It's just too intense for us, the Cherries!
[11:51] Choro
    So you can't look at barbecues
    with the naked eye...
[11:53] Oso
    Damn it! We have to get our revenge!
[11:57] Oso
    Let's go! Let's show them the power of virgins!
[11:59] Choro
    Seriously, what?
[12:02] Oso
    Take this!
[12:03] Oso
    Water Jumping Stone!
[12:06] Choro
    Er, you're just skipping stones!
[12:08] Choro
    Is that all virgins can do?!
    Well... Yeah, that's about right.
[12:13] Oso
    It didn't reach! One more time!
[12:15] Kara
    It's no use! There are no good stones!
[12:17] Todo
    We're out of options!
[12:20] Choro
    I'm going home. I'm going home
    to watch all the anime I DVRed.
[12:24] Iichi
    I-It can't be...
[12:26] Todo
    What's the matter, Cherry Ichimatsu?
[12:28] Ichi
    Look over there!
[12:31] Todo
    Th-They're... They're off on their own!
[12:34] Oso
    Don't look! You'll just be following in
    the footsteps of Cherry Brother #5!
[12:35] Choro
    Uh, hey!
[12:39] Oso
    Oh, no... Cherry Ichimatsu is...
[12:43] Ichi
    Even though they willingly
    participated in the barbecue...
[12:46] Ichi
    "I'm not used to these things."
[12:48] Ichi
    "Oh, really? I'm not, either."
[12:51] Ichi
    Is the contradictory conversation
    they're having right now!
[12:54] Ichi
    It's completely unforgivable!
[12:59] Choro
    What the? What the hell is that?!
[13:10] Choro
    What is that?
[13:11] Oso
    That's the mythical beast that eats
    all those who are truly happy!
[13:15] Oso
    The Normie Eater Ichigeruge!
SIGN    Normie Eater Ichigeruge
[13:17] Choro
    What the hell is that?!
[13:22] Nar
    Oh, no! One of the members of the Cherry*
    Brothers has turned into a monster!
[13:26] Nar
    What will they do? What will happen?!
[13:28] Nar
    The conclusion after this commercial break!
SIGN    Virgin Vigilante Corps
    Cherry Brothers
[13:32] Nar
    Water Jumping Stone!
[13:35] Nar
    Maintain distance from awesome people!
[13:37] Nar
    Let jealousy build up...
[13:39] Nar
    And let it loose!
[13:43] Nar
    Even if you don't hit them,
    you feel so much better.
[13:46] Oso
    Your eyes... You're definitely one of us!
[13:49] Nar
    Cherry Brothers Water Jumping Stone!
SIGN    S Size
SIGN    M Size
SIGN    Deluxe
SIGN    Virgin Vigilante Corps
    Cherry Brothers
SIGN    Water Jumping Stone
[13:53] Nar
    Buy now, and you could
    win Normie Eater Pajamas!
SIGN    Virgin Vigilante Corps
    Cherry Brothers
[14:03] Nar
    In their battle to the death with college
    kids having a barbecue by the river,
SIGN    Please stay a safe distance from reality when watching "Virgin Vigilante Corps"!!
[14:07] Nnar
    Cherry Ichimatsu turned into a monster.
[14:10] Nar
    However...
[14:12] Nar
    By giving Cherry Ichimatsu a cat,
[14:15] Nar
    the Cherry Brothers were able
    to quell the darkness within him!
[14:19] Choro
    Just how much does he like cats?
[14:22] Oso
    Damn it! Look what happened to Cherry
    Brother #4 and Cherry Brother #5...
[14:25] Oso
    What can we do?!
[14:26] Choro
    You could probably go home.
[14:28] Todo
    Cherry Brother #1, I have a good idea.
[14:31] Todo
    Look over there!
[14:33] Todo
    There's a good, flat stone over there!
[14:36] Choro
    That's enough Water Jumping Stone!
    I've actually learned the name!
[14:39] Oso
    But if it's over there, we can't use it.
[14:42] Todo
    I'll go get it.
[14:43] Kara
    What are you saying, Cherry?
[14:45] Oso
    If you go over to that sparkling bunch alone...
[14:48] Oso
    You saw what happened to these two!
[14:51] Todo
    It's okay if I die.
[14:54] Both
    Wha—
[14:55] Todo
    Because I'm...
[14:57] Todo
    one of the Cherry Brothers!
[15:00] Choro
    Uh... He is just going to pick up a stone, right?
[15:03] Todo
    Ah... The memories.
[15:06] Todo
    I joined the Cherry Brothers five years ago.
[15:08] Todo
    I went to rent one of those kinds of
    DVDs in the middle of the night—
[15:11] Choro
    Really, we don't need a flashback!
    No one cares about your backstory!
[15:28] Todo
    It's so good! So this is what a
    toasted marshmallow tastes like!
[15:33] Girl
    You're so funny!
[15:35] Choro
    Wow, he totally just betrayed you guys,
    didn't he? He is that kind of guy...
[15:39] Kara
    I'm gonna go kill him.
[15:40] Oso
    Please.
[15:41] Choro
    Whoa, you're scaring me! Don't do it!
[15:43] Choro
    No gory scenes!
[15:49] Choro
    Huh?
[15:51] Choro
    He's coming back.
[15:52] Oso
    Wh-What's wrong, Cherry?
[15:56] Oso
    Hey.
[15:57] Kara
    Th-They invited us over...
[16:00] Kara
    They asked if we wanted to
    join the barbecue with them.
[16:04] Oso
    Huh?!
[16:06] Choro
    It ripped!
[16:08] Ooso
    Impossible!
[16:09] Ooso
    Those people above the clouds are asking
    us sewer dwellers to come eat with them?!
[16:14] Choro
    And now you're deprecating yourself.
[16:15] Oso
    Inconceivable! It must be a trap!
[16:17] Todo
    Come on, what are you doing? Hurry on over!
[16:21] Oso
    Cherry Todomatsu, you bastard!
[16:24] Todo
    Come on, stop that.
[16:25] Todo
    The club has a shared house on campus.
[16:28] Oso
    He's already acting like a college student!
[16:30] Choro
    I don't even have a clue what he said.
[16:32] Todo
    Come on, it's okay. They're all nice people.
[16:37] Ichi
    Nice... people?
[16:41] Todo
    And it's a lot of fun!
[16:44] Ichi
    Fun...?
[16:48] Choro
    Hey, that monster just
    learned how to speak human.
[16:51] Oso
    W-Was there anyone wearing perfume?
[16:54] Todo
    Nope.
[16:55] Oso
    How about someone with a tattoo?
[16:56] Todo
    Nope.
[16:57] Oso
    Anyone with jewels on their nipples?
[16:59] Choro
    Of course not! Just how are
    you imagining these people?!
[17:02] Todo
    Come on, let's go.
[17:03] Oso
    No, I cannot.
[17:05] Todo
    What?
[17:06] Oso
    I'm... We're...
[17:09] Oso
    The Japanese Anti-Flirting
    Squad, Student Fucking!
[17:12] Choro
    Was that really your name?!
[17:14] Oso
    No matter the temptation,
    we cannot escape our destiny!
[17:18] Todo
    Oh, okay. That's fine.
[17:20] Todo
    Let's go, Karamatsu-niisan.
[17:22] Choro
    And you finally forgot the setting and
    outright called him "Karamatsu-niisan."
[17:25] Ichi
    Wait...
[17:29] Ichi
    I'll go, too...
[17:31] Todo
    Really?!
[17:32] Oso
    Hey, what are you saying, monster?!
[17:34] Ichi
    Want... barbecue... want... meet people...
[17:49] Choro
    Now what?!
[17:51] Choro
    Huh? What is this?!
[17:53] Kara
    That's... the legendary virgin form that only
    the most warped virgins can reach...
SIGN    Sealed
[18:00] Kara
    The "I've Finally Admitted
    to Just Being Jealous God."
SIGN    Virgin God
SIGN    I've Finally Admitted to Just Being Jealous God
[18:03] Choro
    You can become a god because of that?!
[18:06] Chi
    Cherry Osomatsu...
[18:09] Ichi
    Do not fear the barbecue.
[18:12] Ichi
    It is only an event in which
    they grill meat and vegetables.
[18:16] Kara
    Such a simple explanation!
[18:18] Todo
    He's so accepting!
[18:20] Choro
    Are you guys stupid?
[18:21] Oso
    I can't!
[18:23] Oso
    You say that, but a girl's reaction
    will be totally different
[18:26] Oso
    when some hot guy talks to
    her and when I talk to her!
[18:30] Todo
    Ah, yeah. Definitely.
[18:32] Kara
    That gap is brutal.
[18:34] Ichi
    Are you still saying that, you fools?!
[18:40] Ichi
    Look with hopeful eyes,
[18:44] Ichi
    and...
[18:46] Ichi
    Look between your legs!
[18:57] Ich
    That's just from the slight possibility that
    you might be able to befriend them.
[19:01] Ichi
    So stop your complaining!
[19:03] All
    We're sorry!
[19:06] Ichi
    There is nothing for virgins to protect.
[19:08] Ichi
    Let us go.
[19:10] Ichi
    Let us party with some sexy college students!
[19:14] All
    Wahoo!
[19:19] Nar
    And so, the Cherry Brothers and Choromatsu
[19:21] Nar
    took their first step to losing their virginity.
[19:25] Nar
    And they lived happily ever after!
[19:28] Nar
    Next week,
[19:29] Nar
    "The Girl We Got Close To Is a
    Multi-Talented Charisma!" Look forward to it!
SIGN    End
[21:05] Guy
    Water Jumping Stone Omega!
[21:09] Nar
    Maintain distance from awesome people!
[21:10] Nar
    Let jealousy build up...
[21:12] Nar
    And let it loose!
[21:16] Nar
    Even if you don't hit them,
    you feel so much better.
[21:19] Oso
    Your eyes... You're definitely one of us!
[21:22] Nar
    Cherry Brothers Water Jumping Stone Omega!
SIGN    S Size
SIGN    M Size
SIGN    Deluxe
SIGN    Water Jumping Stone
SIGN    Virgin Vigilante Corps
    Cherry Brothers
[21:27] Nar
    Buy now, and you could
    win Normie Eater ashtrays!