E1 - Untitled

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:05] Nar
    The TV anime,* Mr. Osomatsu*.
[00:07] Nar
    If one were to describe this anime,
    they would call it superb, harmless...
[00:13] Nar
    A series that would never hurt even a fly,
SIGN    Akatsuka Station
[00:15] Nar
    in which all of the characters
    are extremely well-adjusted.
[00:18] Nar
    A perfect educational show for the little ones
[00:21] Nar
    that may or may not be recommended by MEXT.
[00:24] Nar
    The perfect Japanimation that
    will be sure to move your heart!
[00:30] Nar
    At the root of this series
[00:33] Nar
    are the ever-so-popular Matsuno sextuplets!
[00:41] Fake Oso
    Hey, guys! It's been a while!
[00:44] All
    We've missed you!
[00:46] Fake Oso
    My name's Osomatsu.
[00:48] Fake Kara
    And I'm Karamatsu!
[00:50] Fake choro
    Choromatsu!
[00:51] Fake ichimatsu
    Ichimatsu!
[00:52] Fake jyushi
    Jyushimatsu!
[00:52] Fake totty
    Todomatsu!
[00:53] All
    We're sextuplets who always get along!
[00:56] All
    We hope you enjoy the show!
[00:57] Dad
    Season 3 is finally here!
[00:59] Mom
    I'm so excited!
[01:05] Oso
    Huh?
[01:06] Oso
    Who the hell?
[01:07] Totoko
    Wow, they're all so well-adjusted!
    It's so peaceful!
[01:11] Toto
    They're all accepting each other!
    They're so nice!
[01:16] Toto
    They're going for gender equality, too!
[01:19] Toto
    And now they're global!
[01:21] New
    We're the new 18 sextuplets that
    comply with all of your requests!
[01:25] All
    Enjoy the show!
[01:27] Chibi
    We've covered everything in season 3!
     It's gonna be a huge success!
[01:30] All
    Hooray! Hooray!
[01:32] All
    Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
[01:33] Oso
    Uh, this isn't even Mr. Osomatsu anymore!
[01:35] Oso
    What does "18 sextuplets" even mean?!
[01:37] Oso
    Also, we're identical!
[01:39] Oso
    Who the hell are they?!
[01:41] Oso
    Look, if you're gonna change
    everything this much,
[01:44] Oso
    I'm pretty sure it'll piss off Akatsuka-sensei,
    who wrote the original.
[01:48] Oso
    Who the hell is that?!
SIGN    Onigiri Points
[01:50] Oso
    This is bad!
[01:53] Oso
    Hey, this is really bad!
[01:57] Oso
    This is really bad, my real brothers!
[02:00] Oso
    Our anime's already started,
[02:02] Oso
    and a bunch of weird guys
    basically took our spots!
[02:06] Oso
    It's bad! You guys need to come with me!
[02:09] Oso
    Huh? What's wrong?
[02:13] Choro
    This is bad.
[02:14] Choro
    We're just spending each day doing nothing.
[02:16] Choro
    I was killing time here yesterday, too...
[02:20] Todo
    Actually, I was here the day before, too.
[02:21] Sign
    Heavy Drinking
[02:23] Jyushi
    I think I was here the day before that, too.
[02:26] Kara
    Hmph. I don't even remember
    how long I've been here.
[02:34] Ichi
    I made a cat.
[02:39] Choro
    Wh-What should we do?
[02:43] Choro
    We really need to figure
    out what to do soon.
[02:46] Choro
    I wonder what Mom and Dad are thinking.
[02:48] Todo
    Something to do? What?
[02:50] Oso
    Well, there's pachinko, horse races,
    and then watching some pervy VR.
[02:54] Choro
    Shut your damn mouth.
[02:55] Todo
    VR is awesome!
SIGN    S q u i d
[02:57] Jyushi
    It's like a life raft for virgins.
[03:00] Oso
    Nay. That can be poisonous for us, too.
[03:04] All
    True.
[03:05] Choro
    Stop talking about VR!
[03:07] Kara
    Good grief, you NEETs. Have you no dreams?
[03:12] All
    Of course we don't!
[03:13] Todo
    If we did, we wouldn't be
    in this mess, you fool!
[03:15] Jyushi
    Dumbass!
[03:16] Choro
    Trash!
[03:16] Oso
    Die!
[03:19] Kara
    Aw, you guys seem to be mad at me.
[03:20] Jyushi
    Let's just take it easy! Why don't we
    all be free and live at our own pace?
[03:26] All
    That's exactly what's wrong here!
SIGN    Finding Yourself
SIGN    Living Freely
SIGN    Do This
    And Your Life
    Will Change
[03:27] Choro
    The reason we're like this now is
    because we went at our own pace.
[03:31] Oso
    Don't let the winners tell you that!
[03:33] Kara
    What does it mean to live freely?
    Don't let those illusions fool you!
[03:38] Todo
    It's fine to start something, but...
[03:41] Todo
    I don't want to go through anything grueling!
[03:43] Oso
    Exactly! Let's surpass anything grueling...
    and warp to the winner's stage!
[03:48] Todo
    It would be nice if we could warp.
[03:50] All
    Right?
[03:52] Choro
    What the hell?
[03:53] Choro
    You guys are awful.
[04:07] Ichi
    I made a pistol. Anyone wanna use it?
[04:15] Choro
    I wonder why we're like this.
[04:17] Todo
    Whatever. There's no helping it now.
[04:19] Jyushi
    Our anime ended a long time ago, anyway.
[04:23] Kara
    Yeah...
[04:26] Oso
    Oh, yeah.
[04:28] Oso
    So, uh, our anime's already started.
[04:32] All
    What?!
[04:34] Choro
    Seriously? It already started?
[04:37] Oso
    Yup.
[04:37] Jyushi
    Yay!
[04:38] kara
    Why didn't you tell us something
    that important sooner?!
[04:42] Oso
    I did! But then I got sucked
    into all this and sat down.
[04:47] Oso
    Ow.
[04:47] Todo
    Oh, hey! That means we
    do have something to do.
[04:51] Todo
    Isn't that great?
[04:52] Jyushi
    It sure is!
[04:55] Oso
    No, wait.
[04:56] Oso
    We've got trouble, though.
[04:59] Fake todo
    Wipey, wipey.
[05:02] Todo
    Who are those guys?
[05:03] Kara
    The hell? You can't be serious.
[05:05] Jyushi
    What the hell are they doing in our house?!
[05:08] Ichi
    What should we do,
    Osomatsu-niisan? Kill them?
[05:11] Oso
    Yeah. I mean, we NEETs won't be able to
    survive if we're kicked out of the house...
[05:17] Oso
    So let's kill them.
[05:20] Some
    It's so clean.
[05:36] Jyushi
    Huh? Where are we?
[05:42] Kara
    Uh, some monoliths appeared.
[05:44] Mono
    Sextuplets.
[05:47] Mono
    We belong to the anime production committee.
SIGN    Anime Production Committee
[05:53] Choro
    Committee?!
[05:54] Todo
    Really? Should you be coming out here?
[05:57] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[05:58] All
    Iyami!
[06:00] Iyami
    Sheh!
[06:01] Iyami
    Who do you think you are?! Bow down!
[06:05] Mono
    We decided we would replace
    all of you NEETs as
[06:10] Mono
    the stars of the show when
    the new series started.
[06:14] Jyushi
    Replace?
[06:16] Ichi
    Oh, we've been let go as sextuplets.
[06:18] Jyushi
    What does that even mean?
[06:21] Ichi
    I know I said it, but I have no idea.
[06:23] Oso
    Don't give me that! Replaced?!
[06:25] Oso
    We haven't made a dime!
[06:27] Todo
    How are we supposed to
    live outside of our home?
[06:30] Choro
    Damn it! You evil company!
[06:31] Choro
    If you're gonna fire us,
    give us a valid reason!
[06:34] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[06:35] Iyami
    A valid reason?
[06:36] Iyami
    You're NEETs! You're all pieces of shit!
[06:40] Iyami
    You drink during the day!
[06:41] Iyami
    You haven't grown at all!
[06:43] Iyami
    You're hard to look at from both a societal
    and an educational point of view.
[06:49] Iyami
    Not to mention...
[06:51] Iyami
    You've depicted acts of
    violence numerous times!
SIGN    Violence
[06:55] Iyami
    You're dirty!
SIGN    Dirty
SIGN    Nudity
[06:56] Iyami
    Nudity!
[06:57] Iyami
    Terrible !
[07:00] Iyami
    You just don't fit with the times anymore.
[07:02] Iyami
    What the people want now is...
SIGN    Compliance
[07:05] Iyami
    Compliance!
[07:08] Iyami
    Together now, everyone!
SIGN    Compliance
[07:10] Iyami
    Compliance!
[07:15] Iyami
    We're no longer in the Showa or Heisei eras.
[07:18] Iyami
    It is now Reiwa. You need
    to fit in with the times.
[07:21] Oso
    Iyami, you're the last one
    we wanna hear that from.
[07:24] All
    Yeah.
[07:26] Mono
    Now, former sextuplets.
[07:28] Oso
    F-Former sextuplets?
[07:31] Mono
    Accept these flowers for your graduation.
[07:34] Oso
    Huh?
[07:36] Kara
    Uh, hello? Some guys just showed up.
[07:38] Oso
    What? Who the hell is it now?
[07:43] Saku
    Hello. I'm the voice actor Sakurai Takahiro.
[07:45] Oso
    Huh?!
[07:47] Naka
    I'm the voice actor Nakamura Yuuichi.
[07:49] Kara
    Wow!
[07:49] Kami
    I'm Kamiya Hiroshi.
[07:51] Choro
    Hiroshi!
[07:51] Fuku
    I'm Fukuyama Jun!
[07:54] Ono
    Mosu! I'm Ono Daisuke!
[07:56] Jyu
    Mosu! I'm Jyushimatsu!
[07:58] Mura
    I'm Murakami Kouji.
[07:59] Todo
    What?! Uh, er, uh... wait... who?!
[08:04] Choro
    Uh, hello? Now the voice actors showed up?!
[08:07] Choro
    Is this really okay?
[08:08] Todo
    Who the hell is Murakami?!
[08:10] Saku
    Great work, you guys.
[08:11] Oso
    Why are you taking their side?!
    You're supposed to be on our side!
[08:16] Kami
    Oh, don't worry.
[08:17] Kami
    We have plenty of other
    regular series to work on.
[08:21] Both
    Yay!
[08:22] Oso
    You guys are scum!
[08:23] Kami
    Die! I hope you get fired!
[08:24] Kara
    Heh. Partner, I hear you're making a fortune.
[08:28] Kara
    Buy me a car, too.
[08:31] Jun
    Ichi! Let's play basketball together!
[08:33] Jun
    It's fun working out!
[08:35] Jun
    Ichi!
[08:37] Jun
    Come on, let's play!
[08:37] Oso
    Those two are nothing alike...
[08:39] Jyushi
    Boeh!
[08:39] Jun
    Come on, Ichi!
[08:40] Ono
    Boeh!
[08:40] Both
    Yeah, yeah, yeah! Boeh!
[08:43] Oso
    Well, they're exactly the same.
[08:44] Mura
    Good work.
[08:45] Todo
    Who are you?! Where the hell is Miyu?!
[08:48] Oso
    Hey, it's the director!
[08:50] All
    Director!
[08:51] Todo
    Save us, Director!
[08:52] Choro
    This isn't right!
[08:53] Oso
    Say something to all of them!
[09:00] Director
    You guys do too many dirty jokes.
[09:04] All
    You're the one who made this show!
[09:08] Todo
    If anyone's getting let go,
     it should be you!
[09:10] Iyami
    Sheeeh!
[09:17] Oso
    You assholes!
[09:18] Choro
    You'll pay for this! Just wait!
[09:21] Todo
    We'll kill you someday!
[09:22] Kara
    I'll be back!
SIGN    Meiji Jingu Baseball Stadium
SIGN    Nomura Anime Character
    Rebirth Factory
SIGN    Nomura Anime Character
    Rebirth Factory
[09:38] Choro
    Huh? "Anime Character Rebirth Factory"?
[09:42] Oso
    Huh? The what?
SIGN    Flaming
[09:44] Robot
    Rebirth! Rebirth! Let's be reborn!
[09:47] Sign
    No hurting anyone
[09:47] Kara
    Where are we?
[09:47] Robot
    Rebirth! Rebirth! Let's be reborn!
[09:52] ---
    Hey, look over there.
SIGN    Add Oil!!
SIGN    Let's be reborn!
SIGN    Safety First
SIGN    Rebirth
[09:54] Todo
    Hey, it's Dekapan!
SIGN    Let's All Live in Harmony
SIGN    No Hitting Retorts
[09:56] Kara
    Well, he does walk around
    in boxers all the time.
[10:00] Deka
    I'm counting on you.
SIGN    Deka
SIGN    Pan
[10:04] Robot
    Rebirth! Rebirth! Rebirth!
SIGN    Reborn
[10:16] All
    Wait, wait, wait!
[10:17] Kara
    He just turned into a normal dude!
[10:19] Kara
    He doesn't stand out at all!
[10:21] All
    Hatabou!
[10:23] Hata
    Jo...
SIGN    Hatabou
[10:25] Robot
    Rebirth! Rebirth! Rebirth!
SIGN    Reborn
[10:32] Hata
    I'm Hatabou, jo.
[10:33] All
    Wait, wait, wait!
[10:34] Kara
    Your flag is gone!
[10:36] All
    Dayon!
[10:41] Dayon
    Dayon!
[10:43] Kara
    Apparently Dayon doesn't need to change?
[10:45] Kara
    Why, though?
[10:46] Oso
    Wh-What's going to happen to us?
SIGN    Sextuplets
[10:51] Robot
    Rebirth! Rebirth!
SIGN    Reborn
[11:00] Oso
    We're shit!
[11:02] Jyushi
    What?! Why?!
[11:03] Kara
    Why did this only happen to us?!
[11:05] Kara
    What the hell's going on?!
[11:06] Todo
    Quit messing with us!
[11:07] Choro
    Hey!
SIGN    Failure
[11:09] Robot
    Your rebirth has failed.
[11:11] Robot
    You will now be eliminated.
SIGN    Elimination
[11:19] Oso
    What do you mean, failed?!
[11:27] Oso
    Hey, what's going on here?
[11:30] Oso
    Why did we turn into shit
    in the very first episode?
[11:32] Oso
    What are people going to think
    of us if they see us now?
[11:35] Todo
    They're going to think we're pieces of shit.
[11:38] Oso
    Of course they will. Because we are.
[11:41] Todo
    This sucks!
[11:42] Oso
    This isn't good. Got any
    bright ideas, green shit?
[11:47] Choro
    It's Choromatsu, asshole.
[11:48] Kara
    I figured it out!
[11:51] Kara
    What do you think?
[11:55] Jyushi
    I-I just thought of something insane!
[11:59] Jyushi
    So, if we tried to take a
    shit in our shit forms...
[12:05] Jyushi
    What's going to come out of our asses?
[12:08] Todo
    What are you even saying,
    you piece of shit? Shut up!
[12:11] Todo
    It's really not necessary!
[12:13] Jyushi
    Hey, it worked!
    And it's just a piece of shit!
[12:17] Todo
    Shut up, you piece of shit!
[12:18] Choro
    Say something, Ichimatsu.
[12:21] Choro
    We're literally shit now.
    What are we going to do?
[12:25] Ichi
    Actually...
[12:26] Ichi
    I think this might be okay.
[12:29] Choro
    Huh?
[12:30] Ichi
    This is actually really relaxing.
[12:32] Todo
    What?
[12:33] Choro
    Good point.
[12:34] Todo
    Uh, Choromatsu-niisan?
[12:36] Choro
    You get a lot of criticism when
    you're NEETs as humans,
[12:40] Choro
    but who's going to complain
    to actual pieces of shit?
[12:43] Choro
    I might've been relieved from
    the pressures of living.
[12:47] Todo
    Huh?
[12:47] Oso
    Obviously we won't be popular
    with the ladies now,
[12:50] Oso
    so let's just live as pieces of shit.
[12:51] Todo
    Uh...
[12:54] Kara
    Jyushimatsu! Your body's getting smaller!
[13:05] Jyushi
    Wait! I'm still small!
[13:08] Jyushi
    Totty, do you know where
    the shit I shat out went?
[13:10] Todo
    No! Find your own shit yourself!
[13:21] Todo
    Ugh!
[13:23] Todo
    Why did this even happen?!
    Whose fault is this?!
[13:26] Choro
    The reason we got turned into shit?
[13:28] Choro
    That's Osomatsu-niisan, of course.
[13:30] All
    Yup, yup.
[13:31] Oso
    Huh? Wait, why?
[13:32] Choro
    Because you've been unemployed forever,
[13:34] Choro
    and you're a lazy sack of
    shit who lives at home.
[13:36] Choro
    You're literal shit.
[13:37] Oso
    That goes for all of you, too.
[13:39] Jyushi
    I think we turned into shit
    because of Choromatsu-niisan.
[13:42] All
    Yup, yup.
[13:43] Choro
    Why?
[13:44] Jyushi
    Who's gonna watch a show about a virgin?
[13:47] Choro
    You're all virgins, too.
[13:49] Ichi
    Your personality sucks.
[13:51] Todo
    So do all of yours.
[13:52] Todo
    You haven't matured at all.
[13:53] Kara
    Neither have any of you.
[13:55] Kara
    You have no dignity.
[13:56] Jyushi
    Neither do any of you.
[13:57] Oso
    You're a rotten human being.
[13:59] Ichi
    So are all of you.
[14:01] Some
    You're all stupid!
[14:02] Some
    Trash!
[14:02] Some
    Morons!
[14:03] Some
    You don't deserve to live!
[14:04] Some
    Crap!
[14:05] Oso
    Hold it!
[14:07] Oso
    I get it now.
[14:08] Oso
    Deep down inside, we've always just been
[14:12] Oso
    pieces of shit.
[14:21] Kara
    Who're you calling a piece of shit, you shit?!
[14:23] Choro
    Die!
[14:27] Choro
    Hidebu!
[14:47] Kid
    Look! Poop!
[14:47] Guy
    Look at that shit.
[14:48] Mom
    Don't stare at them!
[14:49] ---
    It's poop!
[14:50] ---
    It sure is.
[14:51] ---
    Gross.
[14:53] Oso
    W-We're sorry for everything...
[14:57] All
    We're sorry.
[14:59] Oso
    We won't do anything out of line anymore.
[15:04] Oso
    We promise to be loved by many!
[15:07] Oso
    So please...
[15:08] Kara
    Turn us back to normal!
[15:10] All
    We beg of you!
[15:14] Mono
    Do you know your place now,
     you pieces of shit?
[15:17] Mono
    You have no place in the third season.
[15:20] Mono
    If you agree to that, we will
    restore your original forms.
[15:27] All
    Okay!
[15:28] Mono
    Repent and live humble lives!
[15:31] All
    Yes, sir!
[15:40] All
    Yay!
[15:41] All
    We're back!
[15:43] All
    Thank goodness!
SIGN    Shin Mr. Osomatsu
SIGN    Japan VS Mr. Osomatsu
[16:08] Iyami
    Everyone loves us!
[16:12] Iyami
    Me doesn't care as long as me gets paid.
[16:15] Fake Oso
    Everyone! Hello out there!
[16:18] Fake Oso
    I'm the eldest brother, Matsuno Osomatsu!
[16:20] Fake oso
    Thank you for all your support!
[16:22] Fake oso
    We love you all!
[16:27] Fake Kara
    Life is pretty rough, isn't it?
[16:29] Fake kara
    But when things look bad, just think of
    all the funny things we do, and cheer up!
[16:36] Fake kara
    We'll save you with laughter!
[16:40] Fake choro
    What exactly is entertainment?
[16:43] Fake choro
    Our one and only wish... is to make
    sure all of you are on this ship with us.
[16:50] Fake choro
    I hope you'll come with us.
    This series is always with you.
[16:54] Fan
    Choro!
[16:55] Fake Ichi
    We are all equal. We are all friends.
[16:58] Fans
    Ichi!
[16:59] Fake jyushi
    Let's all connect!
    Let our bonds grow stronger!
[17:02] Fake todo
    That's season 3 of Mr. Osomatsu.
[17:05] Fake todo
    This is how...
[17:06] All
    ...it should be!
[17:16] All
    Shut the hell up!
[17:23] Fake oso
    G-Guys... Violence is not the answer!
[17:26] Oso
    Shut up!
[17:28] Fake kara
    Let's cheer everyone up!
[17:29] Fake choro
    Entertainment we create with the fa—
[17:31] Choro
    Eat shit!
[17:33] Deka
    S-Stop...
[17:33] Hata
    Jo...
[17:34] Jyu
    Wake up!
SIGN    Shin Mr. Osomatsu
[17:36] Fake ichi
    Stop! People are going to hate us!
[17:38] Kara
    Yeah!
[17:40] Fake ichi
    No!
[17:40] Kara
    Service time!
[17:46] Ichi
    First Form: Kitty Slash!
[18:17] Iya
    Sheeeh!
[18:42] Fake Oso
    Guys, please wait!
[18:45] Fake oso
    Don't worry. We'll always
    accept you with open arms!
[18:54] Fake kara
    Let us accept diversity!
[18:56] Fake choro
    It doesn't matter who the protagonists are!
[18:58] Fake ichi
    Now, let us begin anew!
[19:00] All
    With all 24 of us!
[19:16] Iya
    Sheeeh! The future stars!
[19:21] Iya
    Boys... What are those...
[19:25] Iya
    baggies?
[19:32] Iya
    Sheeeh! You were doing the one
    thing you absolutely cannot do!
[19:37] Toto
    Wow, they really did that.
    Guess we'll need replacements.
[19:40] Chibi
    Yup.
[19:42] Oso
    I guess that means the six of us
[19:44] Oso
    can be the stars of season 3 again.
[19:48] Choro
    I mean, we did replace them.
[19:50] Jyushi
    Yay!
[19:51] Toto
    There's nothing to cheer about.
[19:53] Kara
    I guess you preferred us after all.
[19:55] Toto
    Absolutely not.
[19:56] Todo
    Thank goodness.
[19:56] Jyushi
    Yay! Yay! Yay!
[19:57] Ichi
    Thank goodness.
[19:58] Toto
    There's nothing good about it!
[19:59] All
    Thank goodness!
[20:00] Toto
    This sucks!
[20:02] Toto
    Don't start the show!
[21:38] Oso
    Man... That was close.
[21:42] Oso
    Our spot as the stars was almost stolen.
[21:46] Kara
    How futile.
[21:47] Todo
    Let's just do what we usually do.
[21:49] Jyushi
    Let's take it easy.
SIGN    Matsuno
SIGN    Delivery
[21:57] Guy
    Delivery!
SIGN    To Be Continued
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:34] Oso
    Hey, hey, Osomatsu here.
[23:36] Oso
    I thought we were saved from being replaced,
[23:38] Oso
    but I guess we get new characters next week.
[23:41] Oso
    Man, we're busy.
[23:43] Oso
    New encounters, changing surroundings...
[23:46] Oso
    We're NEETs to begin with
    because all that is a pain.
SIGN    "Delivery" etc.
[23:50] Oso
    I guess a lot can happen after three seasons.