E10 - Iyami and Chibita's Rental Girlfriend

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:08] Kara
    Hey, Osomatsu.
[00:09] Oso
    Hm?
[00:10] Kara
    There's something I keep
    thinking about lately...
[00:13] Oso
    Good. You should probably think more often.
[00:15] Oso
    Though I guess I should, too.
[00:18] Kara
    What does "painful" mean?
[00:19] Oso
    Huh?
[00:20] Kara
    People keep pointing at me and saying "painful."
[00:23] Kara
    But I haven't hit them, or kicked them.
[00:27] Kara
    Why are they in pain?
[00:28] Oso
    Oh, yeah... Don't worry about that.
[00:31] Kara
    Huh?
[00:31] Oso
    I mean, you're Karamatsu because you're
    painful. If you lost that, you'd be boring.
[00:36] Kara
    But I don't live for the sake of hurting people.
[00:40] Kara
    Why? Why is it that I love everyone
    so much, yet I hurt them?
[00:46] Kara
    So... this must be the hedgehog's dilemma.
[00:50] Oso
    Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
[00:51] Kara
    Really? Just from that?!
[00:53] Oso
    That hurt! Don't do surprise attacks like that!
[00:55] Kara
    Wh-What should I do?
[00:57] Oso
    Well, first, why don't you stop
    wearing that leather jacket?
[01:00] Kara
    My leather jacket?
[01:01] Oso
    Yeah. That's the sheer essence of painfulness.
[01:04] Kara
    All right...
[01:06] Kara
    Like this?
[01:07] Oso
    What's with that tanktop?!
    Your face is on it!
[01:10] Oso
    That's so painful!
[01:10] Kara
    Why are you in pain?!
[01:11] Oso
    Take off the sunglasses, too.
[01:14] Oso
    Color contacts?! Save me, Akatsuka-sensei!
[01:18] Oso
    It hurts so bad!
[01:19] Oso
    I broke my rib...
[01:22] Kara
    No matter what I do, I hurt people.
    I'm a sinful man. A guilt guy!
[01:26] Kara
    I'm trapped on all sides. Eight-side shut-out!
[01:29] Kara
    I'm doomed to live a life of only loneliness.
[01:34] Oso
    Uh... What? It doesn't hurt.
[01:36] Oso
    Why?
[01:37] Oso
    Oh! I get it! My body's gotten
    used to it, Karamatsu!
[01:41] Oso
    Because I was exposed to your dumb
    tanktop and your dumb color contacts,
[01:43] Oso
    my body's built up a resistance to you!
[01:46] Oso
    Your problem's solved!
[01:48] Oso
    You don't have to change, Karamatsu.
[01:50] Oso
    Everyone else's senses just need to be dulled.
[01:56] Kara
    Thank goodness.
[01:59] Todo
    Why are you relieved?!
SIGN    End
SIGN    "Iyami and Chibita's Rental Girlfriend"
[03:42] Iyami
    Me is going to die bathing outside in winter.
[03:44] Iyami
    Why must me live like this after
    coming back from France?
[03:48] Girl
    Wow, I see. That's amazing!
[03:51] Guy
    I know, right?
[03:52] Iyami
    A date? Hmph.
[03:53] Girl
    That's so funny.
[03:54] Guy
    And the front desk is so useless...
[03:59] Girl
    Time's up.
[04:01] Guy
    Oh... Already?
[04:03] Girl
    That'll be 14,000 yen for two hours.
[04:06] Iyami
    What?!
[04:07] Girl
    Thank you so much for today.
    Please use Girlfriend Rentals again!
[04:13] Iyami
    R-Rental girlfriends?!
[04:17] Chibi
    What are you doing, Iyami?
[04:19] Iyami
    Chibita!
[04:20] Iyami
    Perfect timing! Let's you and
    me be rental girlfriends!
[04:24] Chibi
    What the heck is that?
[04:25] Iyami
    We can be the dynamic duo again.
    We'll make a fortune!
[04:30] Iyami
    Chibita?!
[04:31] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjit!
[04:33] Chibi
    Rental girlfriends? We're guys!
[04:36] Iyami
    We'll dress up as women.
[04:38] Iyami
    You idjit! Like I could do
    anything that embarrassing!
[04:40] Iyami
    But you want money, don't you?
[04:45] Chibi
    I'm an adult now. I don't have time for—
[04:48] Iyami
    That's too bad. Me thought you'd look really
    cute dressed up like a girl, Chibita.
[04:57] Chibi
    Just this once, you idjit.
[04:59] Iyami
    So easy.
SIGN    Hybrid
    Rental Girlfriends
    Cards Accepted
[05:32] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjit! Damn it!
[05:34] Chibi
    We don't have any customers!
[05:37] Iyami
    Why is that?
[05:40] Iyami
    That's it!
SIGN    Hybrid
    Rental Girlfriends
[05:53] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjit! Damn it!
[05:55] Chibi
    We still aren't getting any!
[05:58] Iyami
    Why... Oh!
[06:00] Iyami
    That's it!
SIGN    Hybrid
    Rental Girlfriends
[06:13] Chibi
    Th-The hell...
[06:15] Chibi
    M-My heart...
[06:19] Iyami
    Perhaps this was too bold.
[06:26] Iyami
    Here come our suckers!
[06:29] Iyami
    Hello, sextuplets!
[06:31] Iyami
    How about some rental girlfriends?
[06:34] Iyami
    Right now, you could date us
    for a whole hour for a mere...
[06:39] Iyami
    H-Hey, wait a sec.
[06:41] Iyami
    We'll give you a deal! You can
    do whatever you want to us!
[06:44] Iyami
    Even though we're rentals, pay the
    right price, and you can do this or th—
[06:47] Oso
    Shut up!
[06:49] Oso
    Rental girlfriends? You guys
    are nothing but monsters!
[06:51] Oso
    Look in the mirror, stupid.
[06:52] Choro
    My ass hair is on fire, you uglies.
[06:53] Kara
    I'm gonna barf.
[06:55] Ichi
    Begone. I won't be able to eat.
[06:57] Todo
    You're not even worth Aroma Planning.
[06:59] Jyushi
    One out! Two outs!
[07:00] Jyushi
    Three outs! Change!
[07:03] All
    See ya, uglies!
[07:12] Iyami
    Uglies?
[07:13] Iyami
    Could it be we didn't get any
    customers because of how we look?
[07:17] Chibi
    Now I see the light, you idjit...
[07:20] Dayon
    Are you guys stupid?
[07:24] Iyami
    Th-That does it...
[07:27] Iyami
    We'll get pretty and have our revenge!
[07:58] Iyami
    It's not happening.
[08:01] Deka
    It's done.
[08:03] Deka
    This is a drug that can make anyone into
    a cute girl... The Pretty Girl Drug!
[08:08] Deka
    By taking this, even a man can... Hold it!
[08:13] Deka
    I want to ask before you take the drug...
[08:15] Deka
    Why do you two want to obtain cute exteriors?
[08:19] Deka
    I can't help but think
[08:21] Deka
    that external beauty ruins people.
[08:24] Deka
    That's why they need beautiful hearts.
[08:31] Iyami
    Th-This is...
[08:33] Chibi
    Whoa, what is this?
[08:39] Deka
    Th-This is...
[08:42] Deka
    Y-You ladies are pretty hot.
[08:45] Deka
    By the way, if you take one,
    the effects will last an hour.
[08:49] Deka
    Nose bleed!
[08:52] Deka
    P-Please hold me.
[08:56] Jyu
    Check!
[08:58] Todo
    Uh, Jyushimatsu-niisan...
[09:01] Todo
    You can't jump straight to that spot.
[09:03] Jyu
    Oh...
[09:04] Todo
    Try again.
[09:05] Jyu
    Hmm...
[09:07] Jyu
    Check!
[09:08] Todo
    No, look...
[09:09] Todo
    If you check with your king,
    your king will be taken.
[09:11] Jyu
    Oh.
[09:12] Todo
    Should we just quit?!
[09:14] Oso
    Hey, Choromatsu. We're adults now, right?
[09:17] Oso
    So we shouldn't be lazing around.
[09:20] Oso
    We have to do something...
SIGN    Atami
[09:23] Oso
    Wanna go on a trip?
[09:28] Ichi
    That's it.
[09:30] Ichi
    That's it.
[09:33] Ichi
    That's it.
[09:35] Oso
    Ugh, I'm so bored!
[09:39] Oso
    Isn't there something fun to do?
[09:41] Oso
    At this rate, I'm gonna die of boredom—
SIGN    Employment
[09:51] Ichi
    Hiss! Hiss!
[09:51] Jyu
    What the hell, you jerk?
[09:57] Oso
    What's this?
[09:59] Todo
    W-Well, Ichimatsu-niisan, what does it say?
[10:03] Ichi
    It says "Rental Girlfriends."
[10:05] Five
    Huh?
SIGN    Call Us!
[10:06] Oso
    It does! Whoa, and they're super hot!
[10:08] Todo
    So cute...
[10:09] Ichi
    But they're way too expensive.
    100,000 yen for an hour.
[10:12] Oso
    Yeah, that's not happening.
[10:14] Todo
    Wait. It says they're having
    a special for sextuplets.
[10:17] All
    Wha?
[10:17] Todo
    A special just for sextuplets...
    500 yen an hour?!
[10:22] Oso
    What is this miracle?!
    That's a special just for us!
[10:25] Oso
    All right, let's do this!
[10:27] Choro
    Wait, no...
[10:29] Choro
    No, no, no, no, no, no!
[10:30] Choro
    Wait a sec!
[10:32] Choro
    Don't you guys suspect anything?
    It's too suspicious!
[10:35] Choro
    What's a sextuplet special?
    I've never heard of that!
[10:37] Oso
    Oh, here we go. The cool virgin speaks.
[10:39] Todo
    And we were getting all excited.
[10:41] Oso
    So you're not gonna go?
    Even though they're this cute?
[10:44] Oso
    Are you sure? It's 500 yen!
[10:46] Oso
    Think about it, you idiot!
[10:49] Choro
    Idiot?
[10:53] Choro
    C-C-C-Calm down, Choromatsu.
    They are just rentals...
[10:58] Choro
    They're not real girlfriends.
    There's no reason to be so nervous.
[11:01] Iyayo
    Sorry I'm late!
SIGN    Thump
[11:03] Choro
    She's here!
[11:04] Choro
    N-Nice to meet you...
[11:08] Choro
    I'm M-M-Matsu-Matsuno Ch-Choroma...
[11:19] Choro
    Wh-Wha...
[11:21] Choro
    What?!
[11:24] Choro
    She's unbelievable in person!
    She's no rental girlfriend...
[11:26] Choro
    She's a rental goddess!
[11:34] Choro
    Wh-What is this? She's obviously first-string!
[11:39] Choro
    Am I really allowed to date someone this hot?
[11:43] Iyami
    He's totally fooled. Me is going to
    wring everything he has out of him.
[11:48] Choro
    U-Um, h-h-h-hello...
[11:51] Iyami
    Hi, zansu.
[11:52] Choro
    Huh?
[11:54] Choro
    Zansu?
[11:56] Iyami
    C-Crap! My habit...
[11:59] Iyami
    U-U-U-Um, Zan... Isn't
    Zan-Zangief super strong?
[12:05] Choro
    Zangief? You mean from Street Fighter?
[12:08] Iya
    Huh? Y-Yes...
[12:09] Choro
    What's with this lady? She's this hot,
    but she's talking about Zangief?
[12:16] Choro
    She's perfect! I think I'm falling for her!
[12:21] Iya
    U-Um...
[12:23] Iya
    What kind of date would you like today?
[12:25] Choro
    Ah, um...
[12:28] Choro
    How about a movie?
[12:29] Iya
    Yay! I'd love that!
[12:31] Choro
    Thank goodness!
[12:33] Iya
    Hmph... We're just getting started.
[12:37] Choro
    This is amazing! It's like a dream!
[12:39] Chor O
    500 yen an hour for this is too cheap!
[12:42] Choro
    Rental girlfriends are awesome!
SIGN    Ra Theater
SIGN    A love story that happened three times in thirty-three years
SIGN    Three Days
[12:46] Choro
    This is it.
[12:48] Choro
    Let's go, Iyayo-chan.
[12:49] Iya
    Um...
[12:51] Iya
    Shall we talk about optional
    fees before we go in?
[12:54] Choro
    Huh? What are those?
[12:55] Iya
    Rental Girlfriends offer various services,
[12:58] Iya
    and each comes at a fee.
[13:01] Iya
    Since we held hands just now,
    there's a fee for that...
[13:05] Choro
    Oh... I see. How much is it?
[13:09] Iya
    100 yen.
[13:10] Choro
    100 yen? Sure, that's no problem.
[13:12] Choro
    I'll pay that.
[13:13] Iyami
    Also, 50 yen every time our eyes
    meet times 38, which is 1,900 yen.
[13:17] Iyami
    Being nice to others is 800 yen. Staring at my
    bare legs is 1,000 yen and times 6 is 6,000 yen.
[13:22] Iya
    Glancing at my boobs is 1,000
    yen times 296 is 296,000 yen.
[13:26] Iya
    A memory of something you'll probably
    never experience is 250,000, so...
[13:30] Iya
    That brings the total to 554,800 yen.
[13:33] Choro
    What?!
[13:36] Iya
    That was so much fun. Thank you for today.
[13:39] Iya
    I'm glad you were my boyfriend,
    Choromatsu. See you again!
[13:46] Choro
    Sh-Sh-She called me her boyfriend!
[13:52] Choro
    I think I'm actually in love with her!
[13:55] Todo
    Chibimi-chan, I won't buy you anything
    else, no matter how cute you act.
[13:58] Todo
    You're just a rental girlfriend, after all.
[14:01] Chimi
    Hey, Totty. That bag is so cute.
[14:05] Todo
    Oh, all right.
[14:07] Chibi
    I want those shoes!
[14:08] Todo
    Oh, all right.
[14:10] Chibi
    This is too much trouble,
    so just give me your wallet.
[14:13] Todo
    Oh, all right.
[14:15] Chibi
    Teehee.
[14:17] Chibi
    This is so easy, you idjit, damn it.
[14:21] Kara
    I'll just say this...
[14:23] Kara
    Now that you're dating me, you're not
    gonna get away with just being a rental.
[14:27] Iya
    The fee for putting up with
    painful lines is 800,000 yen.
[14:31] Iya
    But you're so cool, Karamatsu-kun,
    so I'll make it 790,000 yen.
[14:40] Kara
    The gears of love have begun to turn!
[14:45] Chibi
    Hey, why don't we drink a bit closer?
[14:48] Chibi
    It's only a 1,000 yen every
    centimeter you move closer.
[14:51] Ichi
    No... I don't have any more money...
SIGN    Receipt Price of Breathing the Same Air in a Confined Space 10,000 yen per minute
[15:13] Jyu
    I can't anymore!
[15:18] Oso
    All right, this is all of it.
[15:20] Oso
    So... can we do the thing you promised now?
[15:29] Oso
    She smelled so good! It was only
    an instant, but she smelled so good!
[15:35] Oso
    So, Chibimi-chan... How about you become
    my real girlfriend rather than a rental...
[15:43] Oso
    She was so cute...
[15:47] Iya
    We got our revenge!
[15:49] Chibi
    We're going too far.
[15:50] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjit!
[15:52] Oso
    Iyayo-chan!
[15:55] Chibi
    They're totally hooked.
[15:57] Iya
    You came to see us again?
[15:59] Chibi
    What kind of date would you like?
[16:01] Oso
    W-Well... We don't have any more money,
    so we were hoping we could just talk...
[16:08] Todo
    Wait!
[16:10] Iyami
    If you're broke...
[16:11] Chibi
    ...we have no use for you, idjits.
[16:16] Toto
    Hey, guys!
[16:18] Toto
    Look! I'm trying out a crustacean look this time!
[16:23] Toto
    I'm a mantis shrimp!
[16:26] Toto
    Huh? Why aren't you complimenting me?
[16:29] Oso
    Totoko-chan, we don't have
    time for that right now...
[16:31] Choro
    Iyayo-chan!
[16:32] Ichi
    Chibimi, it's me!
[16:33] Kara
    I would die for you!
[16:34] Jyu
    Iyayo... I can't get enough of Iyayo!
[16:36] Todo
    I want to go on a date with Chibimi-chan!
[16:37] Oso
    Give me Chibimi!
[16:44] Toto
    I'm done with you.
SIGN    Akatsuka Bath
[16:49] Iya
    We should enjoy ourselves this way, too...
[16:52] Chibi
    The hell?! You idjit...
SIGN    Akatsuka Bath
[16:59] Chibi
    What the hell is going on?!
[17:00] Iyami
    Something's wrong! We just took the drug!
[17:05] Deka
    I think your bodies have built up a resistance.
[17:07] Deka
    The time the drug will
    work on you will get shorter.
[17:13] Chibi
    Well, I guess it's time to call it off.
    We did make a fortune.
[17:16] Iyami
    Indeed.
[17:17] Oso
    Iyayo-chan! Chibimi-chan!
[17:21] Oso
    There they are!
[17:22] Oso
    Hey, let's go on a date again!
[17:24] Iya
    Sorry, but Rental Girlfriends is closed.
[17:27] Six
    What?! No!
[17:29] Chibi
    Besides, you guys don't have
    any money left, right?
[17:33] Oso
    Actually...
[17:35] Oso
    We do.
[17:38] Oso
    Jyushimatsu.
[17:39] Jyu
    Right!
[17:40] Jyu
    Ta-da!
[17:42] Jyu
    Ta-da!
[17:43] Jyu
    Ta-da!
[17:44] Iyami
    Sheeh!
[17:46] Chibi
    The hell?!
[17:47] Iyami
    Sheeh!
[17:48] Chibi
    The hell?!
[17:48] Iyami
    Sheeh!
[17:49] Chibi
    The hell?!
[17:49] Iyami
    Sheeh!
[17:50] Chibi
    The hell?!
[17:50] Iyami
    Sheeh!
[17:50] Chibi
    The hell?!
[17:50] Iyami
    Sheeh!
[17:51] Iyami
    The hell?!
[17:51] Chibi
    Sheeh!
[17:51] Iyami
    The hell?!
[17:53] Iyami
    Wh-What is...
[17:55] Chibi
    What's going on?
[17:57] Oso
    We worked!
[18:00] Choro
    Working is great.
[18:02] Todo
    Working is wonderful.
SIGN    For Various Reasons, We Can't Show the Work They're Doing Here.
[18:06] Ichi
    People need goals in their lives.
[18:09] Oso
    Thank you both. I mean, because
    we wanted to do pervy things...
[18:13] Oso
    I mean...
[18:14] Oso
    Because we wanted to date you two,
    we all graduated from being NEETs.
[18:18] Iya
    M-Me has clearly underestimated
    the resolve of virgins.
[18:21] Chibi
    Getting this much money in
    so little time is impossible!
[18:26] Chibi
    Wh-What are we going to do?
[18:27] Iya
    We're going to date them.
[18:28] Chbi
    What?! But the drug's effect...
[18:30] Iya
    This is our chance!
[18:32] Iya
    If we make it work, we won't
    have to work for a while!
[18:37] Iya
    Me and you can do this.
[18:42] Oso
    All right, let's all have a fun night together!
[18:46] Oso
    Cheers!
[18:47] All
    Cheers!
[18:50] Kara
    A toast to your eyes.
[19:02] Jyu
    Change seats! Change seats!
[19:05] Oso
    Wait, this is messed up!
[19:07] Iyami
    This was actually pretty easy...
[19:10] Chibi
    There was nothing to worry about.
[19:14] Iya
    Me is gonna take them for all they're
    worth and high-tail it to France!
[19:23] Chibi
    Iyami?
[19:24] Iya
    Sheeh!
[19:27] Choro
    What's the matter, Iyayo-chan?
[19:29] Iyami
    B-But I just took the...
[19:30] Iyami
    Are you not feeling well?
[19:31] Chibi
    Did you get something in your
    throat? Here, drink this.
[19:39] Kara
    You've got some stardust on your lips.
[19:41] Iya
    Huh?
[19:42] Kra
    Don't move.
[19:47] Kara
    Huh? Whiskers?!
[19:48] Chibi
    No, no! They're just crumbs!
[19:50] Iya
    Sheeh—
[19:54] Iya
    ...ke it, my baby! Shake it, my baby!
[19:56] Oso
    Iyayo-chan? Everyone's staring...
[20:00] Iya
    We've reached our limit! We need to flee!
[20:03] Chibi
    Right! Let's make a run for it, you idjit!
[20:10] Iya
    Chibimi!
[20:12] Chibi
    Ah...
[20:13] Todo
    H-Huh?!
[20:16] Choro
    What's wrong, Totty?
[20:17] Todo
    Why?!
[20:21] Oso
    Wait, what? A power outage?
[20:22] Iya
    I'm scared! I'm going home!
[20:24] Choro
    What? You're going home?!
[20:25] Kara
    Why so suddenly?
[20:26] Jyu
    Let's dance some more!
[20:27] Chibi
    I'm going home, too.
[20:29] Ichi
    Huh? But you still have some juice left.
[20:30] Todo
    My eyes! My eyes!
[20:46] Iya
    U-Um... This is...
[20:48] Chibi
    Y-You've got the wrong idea, y-y-you idjits...
[21:00] Iyami
    Let us out!
[21:02] Chibi
    You idjits! Damn it!
[21:05] Ichi
    Do you want to rent the key?
[21:06] Iya
    Yes!
[21:07] Ichi
    100,000 yen.
[21:09] Iya
    All right!
[21:10] Five
    Thank you, come again.
[21:13] Chibi
    Hey, this key doesn't fit, you idjit!
[21:15] Ichi
    Oh. That's a key for a music box.
[21:17] Chibi
    You asshole!
[21:18] Iya
    The key to the cage!
    We'll rent the key to the cage!
[21:22] Ichi
    Five million yen.
[21:23] Iya
    Five mil— A-All right!
[21:26] Chibi
    Hey! Hurry up and give it to us!
[21:28] Ichi
    Could we get your thumb print first?
SIGN    Receipt Key Rental Fee
[21:31] Iyami
    The price went up!
[21:33] Chibi
    Fine! Hurry up and hand it over!
[21:35] Five
    Thank you, come again.
[21:36] Ichi
    We need your damn thumb print first!
[23:15] Lady
    And now, the winner
[23:17] Lady
    of this year's Miss Beauty Japan is...
[23:24] Lady
    Miss Tokyo!
[23:28] Guy
    Miss Beauty Japan, how do you feel right now?
[23:33] Miss
    To be chosen as the winner
[23:36] Miss
    is such an honor...
SIGN    Next Time on Osomatsu-san
[23:43] Ichi
    This is Ichiimatsu. The next
    episode basically looks like this.
[23:46] Ichi
    It's one that'll remind us of our shitty reality.
SIGN    "Christmas Osomatsu-san"