E4 - Unit Formed

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
[00:09] Todo
    Why did you call me out here
    so late, Ichimatsu-niisan?
[00:12] Todo
    I'm pretty tired.
[00:16] Ichi
    I'm going to start recording
    my radio program now.
[00:19] Todo
    What? Radio?
[00:25] Todo
    A-And you're using a cassette tape...
SIGN    "Ichimatsu Radio"
[00:29] Todo
    Huh?
[00:31] Ichi
    To all of you spending this
    lonely night all alone...
[00:33] Ichi
    I'm here to bring you
    some comfort and laughs.
[00:36] Ichi
    Now, let us enjoy another
    lonely night together.
[00:40] Ichi
    This is Matsuno Ichimatsu's
    Deep Night Hour.
[00:44] Ichi
    Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow...
[00:49] Todo
    He just started meowing
    the show's opening theme!
[00:50] Ichi
    Meow, meow, meow...
[00:53] Todo
    Wait, what the hell?
[00:54] Todo
    I knew Ichimatsu-niisan was disappearing
    randomly in the middle of the night,
[00:57] Todo
    but this is what he was doing by himself?
[00:59] Todo
    Is this an original show? Why, though?
[01:02] Todo
    He's so cringe...
[01:04] Ichi
    So I was walking through the
    park by myself the other day,
[01:09] Ichi
    and there was this young
    couple sitting on a bench...
[01:12] Todo
    Now he's talking about something
    that happened to him!
[01:14] Todo
    Now he's trying to act like a comedian!
[01:16] Ichi
    Come on, Director Kanda.
    Why you gotta be like that?
[01:19] Todo
    So the control room's on the
    other side of the window,
[01:21] Todo
    and there's supposedly a director there?
[01:23] Ichi
    Wait, what was that, Director Kanda?
[01:25] Ichi
    I couldn't hear you.
[01:27] Todo
    Now he's pretending to mess
    with his headphones.
[01:29] Ichi
    Wait, I'm still on mute? Crap!
[01:32] Todo
    And now he's messing with the mute button.
SIGN    Ichimatsu: "Wait, I'm still on mute? Crap!" Ichimatsu: "And so, this program is brought to you by Pierrot, TV Tokyo, Avex, and Fuji Pro."
[01:34] Ichi
    And so, this program is brought to you by
    Pierrot, TV Tokyo, Avex, and Fuji Pro.
[01:40] Todo
    He just listed off sponsors!
[01:42] Ichi
    Meow, meow, meow...
    Ichimatsu's Deep Night Hour.
[01:48] Todo
    A jingle?!
[01:50] Ichi
    We're bringing this program
    to you live yet again.
[01:53] Todo
    It's live? But you're recording.
[01:55] Ichi
    I said this on last week's show, too, but...
[01:58] Todo
    You did this last week, too?
[02:00] Ichi
    This episode is our program's 32nd episode.
[02:04] Todo
    That's a lot! Also...
[02:06] Todo
    You don't need to straighten out the clip!
[02:08] Todo
    Don't act like you're trying to
    think of something to talk about!
[02:11] Ichi
    I wonder what our loyal Ichiners are like.
[02:14] Todo
    Ichiners?!
[02:15] Todo
    You mean the listeners? You gave your
    listeners an original nickname?!
[02:19] Todo
    But not a single soul has
    listened to this program.
[02:22] Ichi
    Okay, calm down, guys.
[02:24] Ichi
    No one's going to get why this is hilarious
    if they just tuned in right now.
[02:28] Todo
    You just wanted to say that.
[02:30] Ichi
    And then they made this face.
[02:34] Ichi
    Dude, our audience can't see
    your face! We're on the radio!
[02:39] Todo
    You just wanted to say that.
[02:41] Ichi
    Gah, could we cut that part out?
    Wait, this is live.
[02:45] Todo
    You just wanted to say that!
[02:47] Ichi
    We'll continue this after a commercial break.
[02:50] Todo
    Wait, there are commercials?!
[02:58] Todo
    The really heavy door
    used for soundproofing.
[03:02] Todo
    There are two. This is so detailed.
[03:05] Todo
    Spending the commercial break
    picking emails to read.
[03:08] Todo
    Talking with the staff.
[03:10] Todo
    Having a bite of catering.
[03:11] Ichi
    Thirty seconds until we're back on air.
[03:14] Todo
    That's not enough to get
    him to come back in.
[03:17] Ichi
    Ichimatsu-san!
[03:17] Todo
    He finally makes a move
    ten seconds before...
[03:20] Todo
    He's trying to imply he's got
    this mysterious aesthetic
[03:23] Todo
    where he'll return just in time,
[03:25] Todo
    but you should be more
    considerate of the staff
[03:27] Todo
    and get back to your seat earlier, you idiot!
[03:30] Ichi
    Deep Ni, Deep Ni, Deep Night Hour.
[03:35] Todo
    A different jingle?!
[03:37] Ichi
    The time is now 1:55 AM.
    Now for the traffic report.
[03:41] Todo
    Traffic report?! Right now?!
[03:44] Ichi
    Traffic Information Center, do your thing.
[03:47] Ichi
    And now for the traffic.
[03:49] Ichi
    We're not seeing any congestion
    throughout the Tokyo area,
[03:51] Ichi
    and the expressways seem pretty clear.
[03:53] Ichi
    However, there is a slow-down warning
    in effect due to rain and thick fog,
[03:56] Ichi
    so the Kan-Etsu Expressway,
    Joshin-Etsu Expressway,
[03:58] Ichi
    as well as the Chuo
    Expressway northbound...
[04:00] Todo
    Why's he so good reading at the script?
    How much did he practice?!
[04:04] Ichi
    Thanks for the traffic update.
[04:06] Ichi
    Next up is this segment...
[04:08] Ichi
    "Dreams of Bad Kitties."
[04:12] Todo
    Now it's a listener mail segment.
[04:13] Ichi
    Here's our first message from
    pen-name Märchen Kitty.
[04:18] Todo
    He's reading off mail he wrote himself.
[04:21] Todo
    How do you feel reading this?
    What is the point?
[04:23] Todo
    I mean, that basically sums up
    this whole radio program...
[04:27] Ichi
    What's with that punchline?
    That's messed up.
[04:30] Todo
    He's riffing on himself.
[04:33] Todo
    He's laughing at himself.
[04:34] Ichi
    Seriously, what the heck am
    I supposed to do with this?
[04:39] Todo
    He's suggesting this show has regular
    listeners, but he wrote this himself...
[04:43] Ichi
    Märchen Kitty gets a Kitty Punch.
[04:46] Todo
    Original novelty merch?!
[04:48] Todo
    He just read mail he wrote himself,
    then he riffed on himself,
[04:50] Todo
    laughed at himself, and then gave himself
    a novelty item that he created himself!
[04:54] Todo
    He's messed up! This whole thing is messed up!
[04:57] Ichi
    All right, here's the moment
    you've all been waiting for.
[05:00] Ichi
    We've got our show's first special guest.
[05:04] Todo
    Huh? Wait.
[05:05] Ichi
    He's our youngest brother,
    Todomatsu. Say hello.
[05:08] Todo
    What?! I'm supposed to be the guest today?!
[05:11] Todo
    What are we gonna talk about?
[05:13] Todo
    You're gonna record it? No way!
[05:14] Todo
    This is hella embarrassing! Someone save me!
SIGN    End
[05:17] Ichi
    Let's not keep them waiting.
SIGN    "Unit Formed"
SIGN    Battle of the Bands
SIGN    Hashimoto Nyaa Yowai Totoko
[06:57] Choro
    You're so cute, Nyaa-chan!
[07:03] Totoko
    Don't tear off my scales,
    my heart is so full!
[07:08] Choro
    Let me get one more serving!
[07:09] Choro
    You're so cute, Totoko-chan!
[07:09] Totoko
    Love is just an illusion!
[07:11] Choro
    Fish dried overnight!
[07:13] Totoko
    Everyone's breathing through gills
[07:15] Choro
    Glug, glug, glug, yay!
[07:21] Toto
    It's no use. I'm not attracting
    any more people.
[07:25] Toto
    I wonder why. Men in this world
    just have no taste anymore.
[07:28] Toto
    I mean, just look how cute I am!
[07:32] Toto
    Did I get this character wrong, though?
[07:35] Toto
    Two points?
[07:36] Toto
    But I'm the daughter of a fishmonger,
    so I have to stick with fish.
[07:40] Toto
    I'm gonna see this through.
[07:44] Nyaa
    Yowai Totoko.
[07:45] Toto
    Hashimoto Nyaa.
[07:49] Both
    Hmph.
[07:54] Toto
    Hey, wait.
[07:56] Toto
    Didn't you retire from your idol career?
[07:59] Toto
    Remember? You married some fool
    who thought he was hot stuff
[08:02] Toto
    because of his internet business.
[08:04] Nyaa
    Huh? Like I'd ever retire.
[08:07] Nyaa
    I mean, I actually have
    an audience, unlike you.
[08:10] Totoko
    Wha?
[08:10] Nya
    Wha?
[08:11] Toto
    Wha?!
[08:12] Nya
    Wha?!
[08:13] Both
    Whaaaa?!
[08:18] Toto
    You sure have changed, you know that?
[08:20] Toto
    What's with you? You weren't
    like this when were in school.
[08:25] Toto
    You looked up to me like crazy,
[08:27] Toto
    and waited for me outside the library
SIGN    To Totoko-senpai
[08:29] Toto
    to give me a fan letter, didn't you?
[08:32] Nya
    Y-You actually remember that?
[08:35] Toto
    Of course I do. That made
    me super happy, you know.
[08:40] Nya
    Are you stupid?! Forget about that!
[08:42] Nya
    Stop clinging to your past glories!
[08:45] Toto
    Shut up, uggo!
[08:46] Nya
    You're the uggo, uggo!
[08:47] Nya
    See ya.
[08:48] Toto
    Keh.
[08:52] Nya
    Hey, Yowai Totoko.
[08:54] Toto
    Huh?
[08:57] Nya
    You see...
[09:00] Toto
    Huh? What's up?
[09:02] Nya
    No, never mind.
[09:05] Nya
    See ya.
[09:08] Toto
    Could you not fart at me?! Holy crap, it reeks!
[09:13] Toto
    It reeks!
[09:19] Toto
    Hashimoto Nyaa! A-Are you okay?
[09:31] toto
    Hey, you're awake now? You okay?
[09:33] toto
    You just suddenly keeled over.
    It freaked me out.
[09:38] Nya
    Sorry...
[09:39] Nya
    Wait, what time is it?! I have to get home!
[09:43] Toto
    Wait, no! You can't!
[09:45] Toto
    More importantly, you need to go
    to the hospital. I'll take you.
[09:49] Nya
    No, I'm fine.
[09:50] Toto
    No! We're going right now.
[09:52] Nya
    It's fine. I don't have money, anyway.
[09:53] Toto
    Wait, why don't you have money?
[09:55] Toto
    Your husband's loaded, isn't he?
[09:58] Nya
    My husband's... gone.
[10:01] Toto
    What?
[10:01] Nya
    We divorced. He's out of my life.
[10:04] Toto
    Huh?
[10:19] Toto
    What?!
[10:22] Toto
    You're a single mother?!
[10:24] Toto
    You're kidding, right?! The hell?!
[10:26] Uggo
    See ya.
[10:27] Nya
    Sorry about this. And thank you.
[10:30] Uggo
    No worries!
[10:32] Toto
    Y-You are definitely holding a baby...
[10:35] Nya
    I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Here, all yours.
[10:40] Nya
    And be careful to support the head.
[10:45] Toto
    Hey, wait! Don't just
    suddenly give me a baby!
[10:48] Toto
    I don't know how to hold one! Someone
    tell me the right way to hold a baby!
[10:53] Toto
    What am I even doing?
[10:56] Toto
    Um... so where does my right
    hand and my left hand go?
[11:00] Toto
    I don't know the right way to hold a baby.
SIGN    Combustible Garbage
[11:02] Toto
    M-My arms are getting tired,
    but I can't move from this position.
[11:06] Toto
    I don't know how to move my arms.
    She said I need to support the head...
[11:11] Toto
    I'm scared to hold it...
[11:14] Toto
    Its hands are so tiny...
    Its feet are so tiny...
[11:17] Toto
    It's actually alive!
[11:20] Toto
    I'm scared that if I make one wrong move,
     I'm going to break it!
[11:32] Toto
    Goo... Goo.
[11:38] Toto
    Wait, no way!
[11:42] Toto
    Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
[11:44] Toto
    It's crying! It's crying! It's crying!
[11:46] Toto
    Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
[11:47] Toto
    It's crying! It's crying! It's crying!
[11:49] Toto
    It's crying! Someone save me!
[11:53] Toto
    Goo! Goo! There, there, there, there!
[12:02] Nya
    What's wrong? Is everything okay?
[12:04] Toto
    Jeez, you were gone too long, Mommy!
[12:08] Nya
    Wait, you were the one crying?
[12:10] Toto
    Mommy!
[12:11] Nya
    Quit calling me Mommy!
[12:21] Toto
    Wow...
[12:23] Nya
    Being a single mother and still trying
    to be an idol... It's silly, right?
[12:27] Nya
    I have no money. I'm exhausting my body,
    and it's hard mentally, too.
SIGN    Fight
[12:33] Nya
    But I don't want to give up.
     I want to keep doing this.
[12:39] Nya
    Single mothers are allowed to dream, too.
[12:42] Nya
    Am I wrong, Yowai Totoko?
[12:45] Toto
    Why are babies so soft?
[12:48] Nya
    Are you even listening to me?
[12:49] Toto
    So tiny.
[12:56] Nya
    Yowai Totoko... no, Totoko-senpai.
[13:01] Nya
    There's something I want to discuss with you.
[13:05] Toto
    What?!
[13:07] Toto
    Y-Y-You want us to form a unit?
[13:10] Toto
    You mean we'd be working together?
[13:13] Nya
    Yeah.
[13:14] Toto
    Nope, nope, nope, not happening!
    I don't even like you that much.
[13:19] Nya
    And I hate your guts, too.
[13:21] Toto
    The hell?! What's your problem?!
[13:24] Nya
    But sometimes sacrifices need to be made.
[13:26] Nya
    I need more money, and I need
    to be even more popular.
[13:28] Nya
    Teaming up will help us both out.
[13:31] Toto
    Wait, you're already plenty popular.
[13:33] Nya
    No, that doesn't even count as popular.
[13:36] Nya
    I'm not pro level at all.
[13:38] Toto
    Yeah... I dunno about teaming
    up with you, though.
[13:42] Toto
    I mean, we're a cat and a fish here.
[13:44] Toto
    We're a terrible match.
[13:46] Toto
    And it feels like I'd be the loser
    in the duo. I just don't know...
[13:51] Nya
    Would you trash that weird pride of yours?
[13:54] Nya
    You're out of options, too, aren't you?
[13:56] Nya
    You're stuck, right?
[13:57] Nya
    Listen, we're in the same boat.
[14:00] Nya
    Before we know it, we're both
    gonna be hanging off the edge.
[14:12] Nya
    It's okay...
[14:13] Nya
    There, there...
[14:15] Toto
    But I'm not confident about this.
[14:18] Toto
    I've never worked with anyone in my life.
[14:22] Nya
    Then—
[14:24] Toto
    B-Besides, what would we do
    about songs and choreography?
[14:27] nya
    Don't worry. We don't even
    need songs or choreography.
[14:30] Toto
    Huh? How do you figure?
[14:32] Toto
    We're going to be idols together, right?
[14:34] Nya
    I've got a great idea.
[14:45] Both
    Die!
[14:51] Kara
    Great job, Totoko-chan! Nyaa-chan!
[14:55] Oso
    This rocks.
[15:02] Nyaa
    Come at me!
[15:03] Toto
    I'll murder you!
SIGN    To Be Continued
[15:05] Choro
    Wh-Why?
[15:11] Mom
    There we go.
[15:17] Mom
    What? They're all gone.
[15:20] Mom
    Hey, NEETs!
[15:22] Mom
    Stop eating up our stock
     of instant noodles!
[15:25] Mom
    There's no end to this.
[15:27] Oso
    Well, we get hungry.
[15:28] Mom
    Then eat the food I make for you.
[15:31] Oso
    We do, and we're still hungry.
[15:33] Mom
    I guess that's normal for your age,
     but you've been eating too much lately.
[15:38] Mom
    Some of you are sneaking one or
    two in the middle of the night, too.
[15:41] Mom
    Don't think I don't know.
[15:42] Mom
    No instant noodles for you boys for a while.
[15:44] All
    What?!
[15:45] Mom
    Break that rule, and I'm not buying any more.
[15:47] All
    What?!
[15:48] Mom
    Our budget is on the rocks already
    since we have to feed all six of you.
[15:52] Mom
    Is that clear?
[15:54] Oso
    What an awful mother.
[15:56] Choro
    That miser.
[16:09] Oso
    It's no use. I'm so hungry, I can't sleep.
[16:12] Jyushi
    Likewise.
[16:13] Kara
    Likewise.
[16:17] Choro
    Hey, where are you going?
[16:19] Oso
    I'm gonna have some instant noodles.
[16:20] Choro
    You can't. We promised Mom, remember?
[16:23] Oso
    Don't worry. She won't find
    out if I eat it super fast.
[16:27] Oso
    Wanna come with, Ichimatsu-chan?
[16:29] Ichi
    I already brushed my teeth.
[16:30] Oso
    You, Karamatsu?
[16:31] Kara
    Here we go!
[16:32] Oso
    Totty?
[16:33] Todo
    Meh, my laziness is winning right now.
[16:36] Oso
    What about you?
[16:37] Choro
    I'm coming.
[16:38] Oso
    Are you now?
[16:40] Oso
    All right, let's go.
[16:41] Both
    Yeah.
[16:44] Jyushi
    Hey, I wanna go, too.
[16:45] Choro
    No, you can't come with us.
[16:47] Jyushi
    What?! Why not?!
[16:48] All
    Shh!
[16:49] Choro
    Don't yell, you moron!
[16:50] Jyushi
    But why not? I'm going, too.
[16:53] Choro
    If you come, we'll get caught.
    You'll do something to blow our cover.
[16:56] Jyushi
    I won't! I promise!
[16:58] Choro
    No!
[16:59] Jyushi
    Karamatsu-niisan...
[17:01] Kara
    Brother...
[17:03] Kara
    Get your ass back in bed!
[17:05] Jyushi
    What?! You're not the real Karamatsu-niisan!
[17:07] Choro
    Well, grub is involved.
[17:10] Kara
    Yeah, grub is involved.
[17:12] Oso
    Hey, let's go. I'm starving here.
[17:15] Oso
    Jyushimatsu, don't do
    anything to blow our cover.
[17:17] Jyushi
    Okay!
[17:19] Oso
    Shh!
[17:19] All
    Shh!
[17:28] Oso
    Hey! Quit making so much noise!
[17:30] Choro
    That was you, jackass.
[17:31] Oso
    Oh, right.
[17:32] Oso
    Shh!
[17:33] All
    Shh!
[17:36] Oso
    I said stop making so much noise!
[17:38] Choro
    And again, that was you, jackass.
[17:41] Oso
    Hey!
[17:41] Choro
    It's you, jackass! Get going already!
[17:44] Jyushi
    Osomatsu-niisan...
[17:46] Oso
    Huh?
[17:47] Jyushi
    Don't blow our cover. I'll kill you.
[17:50] Oso
    Wow, looks like he put me in my place.
[17:52] Kara
    Osomatsu, I'll lead the way.
[17:55] Oso
    Oh, really?
[17:57] Kara
    Shh!
[17:58] All
    Shh!
[18:05] Choro
    Hey, what are you doing,
    Karamatsu? Keep moving!
[18:08] Kara
    Wh-What is this? My foot...
[18:11] Kara
    It's birdlime!
[18:13] Choro
    Huh?
[18:18] Choro
    Karamatsu!
[18:19] Jyushi
    Karamatsu-niisan!
[18:20] Choro
    You okay? Wake up!
[18:22] Oso
    The hell is this? Who would do such a thing?
[18:30] choro
    It was Mom.
[18:33] Choro
    This is a trap Mom set for us.
SIGN    Matsuyo's Trap
[18:43] All
    Damn it. Curse you, Matsuyo!
[18:46] Choro
    Rest in peace, Karamatsu-niisan.
[18:51] Choro
    Let's go.
[18:52] All
    Yeah!
[18:56] Sign
    Stop
SIGN    Don't
    do it
SIGN    Turn
    back
SIGN    Treasure
    your lives
[19:07] Choro
    What's that?
[19:09] Choro
    Whoa! Kuri manju!
[19:11] Choro
    Hey, look! Look! Kuri manju!
[19:13] Choro
    They look so good!
[19:14] Jyushi
    Huh?
[19:15] Oso
    Wait! You aren't...
[19:16] Choro
    Yay!
[19:17] Both
    You fool!
[19:18] Jyushi
    That's just a drawing!
[19:18] Choro
    Yay! Kuri manju! Kuri—
[19:26] Mom
    Kuri manju hits the spot when
    you're just a little hungry.
[19:31] Jyushi
    Choromatsu-niisan...
[19:33] Jyushi
    Osomatsu-niisan, we can't do this!
[19:35] Jyushi
    Let's turn back!
[19:36] Oso
    Huh? Turn back?
[19:38] Jyushi
    We're no match for Mom!
[19:40] Oso
    You fool!
[19:43] Oso
    Who cares if two of our brothers just died?
[19:47] Oso
    Is that enough for you to give up
[19:48] Oso
    on the OP deliciousness known
    as late-night instant noodles?
[19:52] Oso
    And you call yourself a NEET?
[19:56] jyushi
    I'm... I'm a NEET!
[19:59] Oso
    Well said.
[20:01] Jyushi
    I won't waver anymore.
[20:03] Jyushi
    Thanks, King of NEETs-niisan.
[20:06] Oso
    You're welcome.
[20:08] Oso
    All right, let's go.
[20:09] Jyushi
    Okay.
[20:11] Oso
    But be careful. I'm sure
    Mom has other traps set.
[20:15] Oso
    Of course, as the eldest,
    I'm gonna find all of them.
[20:18] Jyushi
    Huh?!
[20:20] Jyushi
    Nii-san!
[20:23] Mom
    And the brains of the operation is gone.
    It's only a matter of time now.
[20:35] Mom
    Wh-What?
[20:44] Mom
    Tch. You just don't give up.
[21:11] Both
    Hey!
[21:36] Mom
    It looks like I underestimated you boys.
SIGN    Porky
    Udon
SIGN    Chicky
    Ramen
[21:41] Mom
    To think you actually made it...
    You've grown so much,
[21:44] Mom
    my NEETs.
SIGN    Porky Udon
SIGN    Iyami Ramen
[21:47] All
    Heck yeah! We did it!
[21:50] All
    We won!
[21:51] Todo
    Hurry up! I'm starving!
[21:53] Ichi
    Let's eat.
[21:56] Jyushi
    Yay!
[22:13] Matsu
    I'm taking you down with me.
SIGN    End
SIGN    "The Way Home" etc.
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu