E18 - Just Don't

Source: Crunchyroll
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(Please feel free to edit the speaker names if incomplete or inaccurate. Names are handled on a best-effort basis depending on the info on the source file. Dialogue is left as is.)
SIGN    "Just Don't"
[02:30] Nyaa
    Is his name Osomatsu-san?
[02:32] Toto
    Hm? What about Osomatsu-kun?
[02:35] Nyaa
    He's the youngest of the sextuplets, right?
[02:38] Toto
    Nope. Todomatsu-kun is the youngest.
    Osomatsu's the oldest.
[02:41] Nyaa
    What? He's the oldest?
[02:44] Toto
    Huh? Yeah.
[02:46] Nyaa
    He's the oldest, but he acts
    like that? That's hilarious.
[02:50] Toto
    Up you go!
[02:51] Nyaa
    I was just thinking he's pretty great.
[02:56] Toto
    Huh?
[02:59] toto
    You think Osomatsu-kun is... great?
[03:02] ---
    Yeah.
[03:03] toto
    How?
[03:04] Nyaa
    Well, isn't he?
[03:05] Toto
    Like, how?!
[03:06] Nyaa
    You know.
[03:07] Toto
    No, I don't!
[03:08] Nyaa
    I run into him every now and then,
[03:10] Nyaa
    and I've been wanting to
    learn more about him.
[03:12] Toto
    What? He's clearly a piece of shit.
[03:15] Toto
    He's a forever NEET. He's a stupid,
    perverted king of NEETs.
[03:18] Toto
    What do you like about him?
    He's the embodiment of failure.
[03:21] Nyaa
    I see. So he has some issues.
[03:24] Toto
    Yes.
[03:26] Nyaa
    I like him.
[03:27] Toto
    Why?! What is going on in your head?!
[03:29] Uggo
    I get it.
[03:32] Uggo
    There's a point in life when
    guys like that seem nice.
[03:36] Uggo
    Even if you know they're good-for-nothings,
    or that they're a bad seed,
[03:40] Uggo
    you just can't help yourself.
[03:42] Uggo
    I mean, quiet, earnest
    guys are just so boring.
[03:46] Uggo
    They're not interesting. They lack character.
[03:48] Uggo
    Do you understand? They're boring.
[03:51] Uggo
    Failures are better because, you know...
[03:55] Uggo
    Love isn't logical.
[03:57] Toto
    Who are you again?
    What was that speech about?
[04:01] Toto
    Anyway, just forget Osomatsu-kun.
[04:03] Toto
    I'm not kidding.
    He's a worthless piece of shit.
[04:05] Toto
    Really, he's a scumbag and a NEET. Just don't—
[04:08] Nyaa
    Oh, shut up already.
[04:09] Nyaa
    I was just sort of interested in him,
[04:11] Nyaa
    and it's not like I'd know for sure
[04:13] Nyaa
    if he's a bad guy or not
    unless I actually dated him.
[04:15] Toto
    You totally can tell with him. Nope.
[04:17] Nyaa
    He's nice.
[04:18] Toto
    Nope.
[04:19] Nyaa
    He's nice!
[04:19] Toto
    No, really, don't. No, really, don't!
[04:24] Nyaa
    I'm allowed to fall in love
    with whoever I choose.
[04:27] Toto
    Uh, love?! Wait, wait, wait. You didn't
    say anything about love earlier!
[04:31] Toto
    Seriously, where is this coming from?
     I don't understand!
[04:33] Uggo
    I get it.
[04:36] Uggo
    The more the people around you reject him,
    the more interested you are.
[04:40] Uggo
    The more the people around you reject him,
    the more you want to defend him.
[04:45] Uggo
    It actually excites you.
[04:48] Uggo
    It's not logical.
[04:50] Toto
    Who are you?
[04:50] Toto
    Stop agreeing with her.
    Talk her out of this.
[04:52] Nyaa
    Oh, I know. The next time I see him,
    I'll ask him for his contact info.
[04:58] Toto
    Shit. I don't usually like butting into
    other people's love interests...
[05:02] Toto
    But this is a special case,
    considering who we're dealing with!
[05:06] Toto
    This is an emergency!
[05:09] Toto
    Please! Reach them in time!
[05:15] All
    What's up?
[05:16] Jyushi
    I have no idea.
[05:18] Jyushi
    Hey, it's an arrow with
    a letter from Totoko-chan.
[05:20] Kara
    An arrow with a letter from Totoko-chan?
[05:22] Ichi
    Seriously?
[05:23] Ichi
    I-If this is true...
[05:25] Todo
    This is bad! We can't just sit here!
[05:28] Kara
    My brothers, we need to save
    this poor girl's future!
[05:31] All
    Yeah!
[05:39] Todo
    We're coming in!
[05:40] Jyushi
    We're coming in!
[05:41] Nyaa
    What? Where'd you all come from?
[05:47] Kara
    It's a pleasure to meet you,
    Hashimoto Nyaa-san.
[05:49] Kara
    I'm the second oldest of the
    Matsuno brothers, Karamatsu.
[05:52] Ichi
    I'm the fourth son, Ichimatsu.
[05:54] Jyushi
    I'm the fifth son, Jyushimatsu.
[05:57] Todo
    And I'm the youngest, Totty.
[05:59] Nyaa
    I-I see...
[06:00] Nyaa
    Can I help you?
[06:02] Kara
    I'll get straight to the point.
[06:04] Kara
    When it comes to our oldest
    brother... Ready, and...
[06:07] All
    Just don't.
[06:08] Nyaa
    Huh?
[06:09] Todo
    No, really. He's bad news.
[06:10] Jyushi
    He's really a piece of shit.
[06:11] Todo
    You'll regret everything.
    He'll make you unhappy.
[06:13] Kara
    Because he's...
[06:14] All
    A piece of shit!
[06:15] All
    Trash!
[06:18] Nyaa
    Um, I honestly can't imagine
    him being that bad.
[06:22] All
    Nope, nope, nope.
[06:23] Nyaa
    I mean, everyone has one
    good thing about them.
[06:26] All
    Nope, nope, nope.
[06:27] Ichi
    But he doesn't. Strange, right?
[06:29] Nyaa
    Does someone like that actually exist?
[06:31] Todo
    Yes! Weird, right?!
[06:32] Jyushi
    These are all the terrible
    things he's done in the past.
[06:36] Nyaa
    What? He's done this much?
SIGN    Matsuno Osomatsu
    "All the terrible things he's done"
[06:38] Nyaa
    This is vile.
[06:39] Jyushi
    Huh? Why, yes, he is vile.
    That's what we've been saying.
[06:45] Kara
    And now, representing his countless victims,
[06:48] Kara
    we will be talking to
    I-matsu-san and T-matsu-san.
[06:51] Kara
    Thank you for coming today.
[06:52] Both
    Thank you.
SIGN    Victims of Matsuno Osomatsu
SIGN    Victim: I-matsu-san (alias)
SIGN    Karamatsu
    What kind of man is Matsuno Osomatsu?
SIGN    I-matsu
    He's a piece of shit. He's insane.
     He's not human.
SIGN    Victim:
    T-matsu-san (alias)
SIGN    Karamatsu
    Can any woman find happiness in dating him?
SIGN    T-matsu
    Ahahaha.
SIGN    T-matsu
    Happiness? With that trash?
SIGN    T-matsu
    Happiness???
SIGN    Karamatsu
    It seems he has his doubts.
SIGN    Victim: I-matsu-san (alias)
SIGN    I-matsu
    He doesn't have any tact.
SIGN    I-matsu
    He'll grab someone's
    heart with his filthy paws,
SIGN    I-matsu
    then stir them all up, knock
     them over, and die of laughter.
SIGN    Karamatsu
    How awful.
SIGN    Victim:
    T-matsu-san (alias)
SIGN    T-matsu
    He has no manners. He seriously
    believes the world revolves around him.
SIGN    Karamatsu
    That devil!
SIGN    I-matsu
    He's a walking dick.
    He's a virgin manwhore.
SIGN    T-matsu
    He's mentally 8! A 2nd grader!
SIGN    Karamatsu
    Holy crap!
SIGN    I-matsu
    Once in a while, we hear idiots say,
    "That's what makes him great"...
SIGN    I-matsu and T-matsu
     ...but as his family...
[07:37] Kara
    You have my sympathy!
[07:40] Jyushi
    Now, then...
[07:41] Jyushi
    Let's ask some AIs for their evaluation.
[07:44] Jyushi
    What's the expected value of becoming
    happy with Matsuno Osomatsu?
[07:46] Both
    We will now determine the expected value.
SIGN    Smelly
SIGN    Brat
SIGN    Floppy
SIGN    Stupid
SIGN    Error Danger Bug Discovered NEET Danger Unknown Piece of Shit
[07:54] Jyushi
    This is all you need to know.
[07:56] Chibi
    Missy, you should lay off of him.
[07:59] Chibi
    I've been his friend since we were kids,
    so I know what I'm talking about, you idjit.
[08:02] Chibi
    Right, Hatabou?
[08:03] Hata
    He's insane, jo! Stay away from him!
[08:07] Chibi
    Hatabou can vouch for this, too,
    and he never talks like this.
[08:12] Mom
    Hashimoto Nyaa-san, don't do anything rash!
[08:15] Dad
    Are you willing to let
    your life go to waste?
[08:17] Dad
    He's way more of a handful than a baby!
SIGN    We are against this!
[08:20] Mom
    Just don't!
[08:21] Dad
    Just don't!
[08:22] Both
    Rethink your decision!
[08:34] Kara
    Ch-Choromatsu!
[08:36] Todo
    Nii-san...
[08:39] Todo
    He's the one who's been
    hit hardest by this news.
[08:42] Todo
    His beloved idol used to be
    married and has a child,
[08:45] Todo
    and now, the one she fell in love with
    happens to be our oldest brother.
[08:52] Ichi
    I'm surprised you made it here alive.
[08:54] Jyushi
    There's no way he can watch someone
    he loves so much fall into misery.
[08:58] Kara
    That's our superhero!
[09:00] All
    You've got this!
[09:03] Choro
    N-Nyaa-chan... You're free
    to love whoever you want,
[09:08] Choro
    but you're making a big mistake.
[09:12] Choro
    So please, listen to our advice—
[09:14] Nyaa
    Hey.
[09:16] Nyaa
    Who do you think you are,
    calling me "Nyaa-chan"?
[09:20] Nyaa
    We're not friends. I don't even know you.
[09:23] Choro
    Y-Y-Y-You don't know me?!
[09:28] Choro
    S-So you never even acknowledged me...
[09:33] All
    Choromatsu!
[09:40] Nyaa
    Could you just leave now?
[09:42] Nyaa
    I chose him. I love him.
[09:45] Nyaa
    Just leave me alone!
[09:46] Toto
    Sh-Shit!
[09:47] Kara
    We really need to figure something out!
SIGN    Nyaa </3 Osomatsu
    Reverse Cupid Plan
[10:16] Choro
    Hello, it's me, Choromatsu.
SIGN    Varanasi, India
[10:19] Choro
    I'm currently in Varanasi.
[10:22] Choro
    My plan is to ride buses
    until I get to London.
[10:27] Choro
    I'm on this journey to forget that
    inconceivable memory of someone
[10:31] Choro
    saying that piece of shit
    is more popular than me.
SIGN    Dramatic Travelogue Choro Express
SIGN    A Journey to Reset
[10:42] Choro
    Ah... Slowly, I'm feeling at peace.
[10:46] Choro
    Being overseas is great.
[10:48] Choro
    I think this will help me forget
    those ominous memories.
[11:12] Deka
    Did you hear this?
[11:14] Dayon
    What?
[11:16] Deka
    I heard that the oldest Matsuno
     boy is an absolute .
[11:20] Dayon
    Eek! What a good-for-nothing!
[11:26] Iyami
    Hey, miss.
[11:28] Iyami
    What about me?
    Me is basically just like him.
[11:34] Iyami
    Sheeeh?
[11:37] Nyaa
    Nope.
[11:38] Iyami
    Sheeeh?!
SIGN    Izakaya
SIGN    Akatsuka Izakaya
[11:55] Kara
    Guys, let's do this according to plan.
[11:57] All
    Yeah!
[11:59] Kara
    She just doesn't know the real Osomatsu yet.
[12:02] Kara
    Because of that,
    we're going to let her meet him,
[12:04] Kara
    have her face reality,
    and bring her back to her senses.
[12:06] Todo
    To do that, we need to make that
    idiot drink as much alcohol as possible.
[12:10] Todo
    He'll definitely do something if he's drunk.
[12:11] Todo
    Got it?
[12:12] All
    Yeah.
[12:13] Ichi
    So we're letting him dig
    his own grave. Nice plan.
[12:16] Jyushi
    Who came up with it?
[12:18] All
    Well done, Totty.
[12:20] Kara
    Now she'll be saved. Actually, the
    world will be one step closer to peace.
[12:25] Kara
    This is an excellent
    contribution to society.
[12:27] Kara
    Put your all into this for the
    sake of world peace, you guys!
[12:30] All
    Yeah!
[12:31] Kara
    When it comes to Osomatsu...
[12:32] All
    Just don't!
[12:33] Kara
    When it comes to Osomatsu...
[12:34] All
    Just don't!
[12:35] Kara
    When it comes to Osomatsu...
[12:36] All
    Just don't!
[12:37] Kara
    All right!
[12:39] Toto
    He should be showing up any minute.
[12:41] All
    Yeah.
[12:59] Kara
    He's still not here! The hell is he doing?!
[13:01] Ichi
    We planned to meet at six, right?!
[13:03] Jyushi
    We did! And Osomatsu-niisan is the
    one who said that time worked best!
[13:07] Toto
    What's going on? The hell's going on?!
[13:22] Nyaa
    He promised to meet us here,
    and even picked the time...
[13:27] Nya
    And he's late. I love it.
[13:32] Jyushi
    He's finally here!
[13:33] Todo
    You're late!
[13:34] Toto
    Come on!
[13:35] Oso
    Sorry, my bad.
[13:37] Kara
    Where the hell were you?!
[13:39] Oso
    Huh? Playing pachinko.
[13:40] All
    What?!
[13:41] Oso
    I was on a surprising roll today.
[13:43] Jyushi
    We promised to meet up at six!
[13:45] Ichi
    What's wrong with you?!
[13:46] Toto
    You jackass!
[13:49] Nyaa
    He chose pachinko over
    his plans with others...
[13:52] Nyaa
    I love it.
[13:54] Kara
    Your bedhead is out of control.
     I told you we'd be meeting with a lady today!
[13:58] Oso
    Huh?
[13:59] Nyaa
    I love it.
[14:00] All
    Huh?
[14:01] Jyushi
    Hey! We haven't toasted yet.
[14:03] Nyaa
    He's great.
[14:06] Nyaa
    He's great.
[14:08] All
    Hey!
[14:11] Oso
    Totoko-chwan!
[14:18] Oso
    Huh?
[14:21] Oso
    By the way...
[14:23] Oso
    Who are you?
[14:23] All
    Huh?!
[14:24] Nyaa
    Oh my gosh! And he
    doesn't even remember me!
[14:28] Toto
    Yeah, there's no saving her.
[14:28] Nyaa
    I love him!
[14:30] All
    Yeah.
[14:35] Choro
    Hello. It's me, Choromatsu.
[14:38] Choro
    I'm currently in Egypt.
[14:40] Choro
    I heard that pieces of shit were more
    popular, so I tried being one, and...
[14:46] Choro
    I was arrested. I'm scared.
[14:49] Choro
    I didn't want to be held prisoner by
    anything anymore, so I left Japan,
[14:53] Choro
    and now I'm literally a prisoner.
    Life's pretty funny, isn't it?
[14:58] Choro
    But some good things came out of this.
[15:02] Choro
    I don't have time to think
[15:04] Choro
    about anything other than eating,
    going to the bathroom, and sleeping,
[15:09] Choro
    so I don't let the little
    things get me down.
[15:12] Choro
    There's no envy, no self-loathing, and no hope.
[15:15] Choro
    And because there's no hope, I'm in a lovely
    state where there's also no despair.
[15:20] Choro
    I don't know how much happier I am
[15:22] Choro
    being a prisoner physically
    versus being one mentally,
[15:25] Choro
    but the fact that I'm thinking this way
    might be a sign that I'm still a prisoner.
[15:31] Choro
    I shouldn't feel trapped, but I do,
[15:33] Choro
    but I also feel trapped by the fact that
    I don't feel trapped over feeling trapped.
[15:37] Choro
    What the hell am I even saying?
[15:38] Choro
    I feel like I might go insane.
[15:41] Choro
    Anyway, I'm going to try to live life
    without being held prisoner by anyone.
SIGN    Izakaya
SIGN    Akatsuka Izakaya
[15:54] Oso
    I see. You're the girl from back then.
[15:56] Nyaa
    Yes. You were a lifesaver!
[15:59] Oso
    Hey, no problem.
[16:02] Ichi
    He's getting pretty drunk.
[16:04] Jyushi
    Yeah.
[16:05] Oso
    Hey, you've been acting
    kinda bashful around me.
[16:08] Oso
    Could it be...
[16:09] Oso
    that you like me?
[16:10] Nyaa
    Huh?
[16:13] Oso
    Just kidding!
[16:15] Ichi
    He's gonna do something.
[16:16] Todo
    Do it!
[16:17] Jyushi
    Freak her out!
[16:17] Oso
    Uh? Hello? Do you like me?
[16:18] Kara
    Make her hate you!
[16:20] Oso
    You wanna go out with me, then?
    Wanna go on a date?
[16:25] Nya
    Yes.
[16:27] Five
    Huh?
[16:28] Nyaa
    I would... like to date you.
[16:32] Nyaa
    Please.
[16:59] Jyushi
    What's going on?
[17:00] Jyushi
    He's actually going out on a
    date with someone that cute!
[17:03] Kara
    This world is messed up. It's insane.
[17:06] Ichi
    Everything we've been taught
    up until now has been a lie.
[17:10] Ichi
    You'll always get punished
    if you do something wrong?
[17:13] Todo
    Nah. I mean, obviously you win
    out if you're a piece of shit.
[17:16] Jyushi
    But God is watching!
[17:17] Kara
    The hell he is! Did he doze off?!
[17:20] Todo
    So did anyone find Choromatsu-niisan?
[17:23] Ichi
    He's still missing.
[17:25] Ichi
    That poor bastard.
[17:26] Ichi
    Hopefully he's alive somewhere.
[17:28] All
    Yeah.
[17:29] Jyushi
    Should we file a missing person's report?
[17:30] Todo
    Nah, we don't need to go that far.
[17:33] Kara
    And what are we gonna do about that?
[17:35] Kara
    He hasn't come out at all.
[17:39] Kara
    Hey, Osomatsu.
[17:40] Jyushi
    Osomatsu-niisan! Come out!
[17:42] Kara
    The hell are you doing? Actually,
    how did you even get under there?
[17:45] Todo
    Jyushimatsu-niisan, drag him out.
[17:47] Jyushi
    Aye!
[17:51] Jyushi
    I can't. He's super strong.
[17:53] Jyushi
    I feel an unbreakable will
    as strong as a demon's.
[17:55] Todo
    What?
[17:56] Ichi
    Hey, jackass. You've got a
    date tomorrow afternoon.
[17:59] Ichi
    Remember to go, and don't be late.
[18:03] Kara
    Huh? He's saying something.
[18:05] ---
    What?
[18:07] Jyushi
    That was so quiet. What'd you say?
[18:10] Jyushi
    He said, "I don't know."
[18:12] Kara
    What doesn't he know?
[18:14] Jyushi
    He doesn't know what he doesn't know.
[18:16] All
    Huh?
[18:19] Jyushi
    He doesn't know anything.
[18:21] Jyushi
    "I don't know."
[18:22] Oso
    I don't know. I don't know.
[18:24] Jyushi
    "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
    I don't know. I don't know."
[18:28] Kara
    Wait, what? What's going on?
[18:31] Totty
    Ooh, Totty's figured it out!
[18:34] Totty
    So basically...
[18:36] Totty
    You ass!
[18:37] Totty
    You're scared, aren't you?!
[18:39] Kara
    Seriously?! That's so lame!
[18:40] Jyushi
    So lame!
[18:41] Ichi
    So lame!
[18:42] Kara
    You said you'd go, so go!
[18:45] Todo
    Where'd your cockiness go?!
[18:47] Ichi
    Are you all talk?!
[18:52] Todo
    The hell?
[18:55] Jyushi
    "Someone wear this."
[18:57] Jyushi
    "Make yourself look like me."
[19:00] Jyushi
    "And go on this date in my place"?!
[19:03] All
    You're awful, you know that?!
[19:06] Jyushi
    Don't run! No hiding!
[19:07] Todo
    That's just super rude to Nyaa-chan!
[19:09] Ichi
    At least have the balls to
    turn her down yourself!
[19:12] Jyushi
    Come down here, you jerk!
[19:13] Todo
    This is who you are?
    You're such a disappointment!
[19:15] Ichi
    Oldest brother, my ass!
[19:17] Kara
    Hold it.
[19:18] Kara
    That's enough.
[19:20] Kara
    I can understand how
    Osomatsu must be feeling.
[19:23] Todo
    K-Karamatsu-niisan...
[19:27] Kara
    Have no fear, Osomatsu.
[19:29] Kara
    I'll go on this date for you.
[19:31] All
    Wait, wait, wait.
[19:32] Todo
    No!
[19:33] Kara
    Huh?
[19:34] Todo
    She'll figure it out immediately,
    plus it's honestly really rude.
[19:39] Todo
    I'll go on this date.
[19:40] All
    Wait, wait, wait.
[19:41] Jyushi
    I'll go.
[19:42] All
    Wait, wait, wait.
[19:44] Ichi
    Okay, I'll go.
[19:47] Kara
    I wanna go on a date, too!
[19:48] Todo
    I wanna go on a date!
[19:49] Jyushi
    I want someone to love me!
[19:50] Ichi
    I want to be popular!
SIGN    Hybrid Oden
[21:40] Nyaa
    I'm sorry!
[21:42] Nyaa
    I-I'm so sorry!
SIGN    End
SIGN    Next time on
SIGN    Mr. Osomatsu
[23:44] Oso
    Sorry to keep you waiting,
    all you dog lovers out there!
[23:47] Oso
    The next episode of Mr. Osomatsu is "Dogs!"
SIGN    "Dogs" etc.
[23:50] Oso
    To all you crayfish lovers out there,
    you'll have to wait a little longer!